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The Merry Wiues of Windsor


Actus primusScena prima.


Enter Iustice ShallowSlenderSir Hugh EuansMaster Page
Falstoffe
BardolphNymPistollAnne PageMistresse FordMistresse
PageSimple.


Shallow. Sir Hughperswade me not: I will make a StarChamber
matter of itif hee were twenty Sir
Iohn Falstoffshe shall not abuse Robert Shallow
Esquire

Slen. In the County of GlocesterIustice of Peace and Coram

Shal. I (Cosen Slender) and Custalorum

Slen. Iand Ratolorum too; and a Gentleman borne
(Master Parson) who writes himselfe Armigeroin any
BillWarrantQuittanceor ObligationArmigero

Shal. I that I doeand haue done any time these three
hundred yeeres

Slen. All his successors (gone before him) hath don't:
and all his Ancestors (that come after him) may: they
may giue the dozen white Luces in their Coate

Shal. It is an olde Coate

Euans. The dozen white Lowses doe become an old
Coat well: it agrees well passant: It is a familiar beast to
manand signifies Loue

Shal. The Luse is the fresh-fishthe salt-fishis an old
Coate

Slen. I may quarter (Coz)

Shal. You mayby marrying

Euans. It is marring indeedif he quarter it

Shal. Not a whit

Euan. Yes per-lady: if he ha's a quarter of your coat
there is but three Skirts for your selfein my simple coniectures;
but that is all one: if Sir Iohn Falstaffe haue
committed disparagements vnto youI am of the Church
and will be glad to do my beneuolenceto make attonements
and compremises betweene you

Shal. The Councell shall heare itit is a Riot

Euan. It is not meet the Councell heare a Riot: there
is no feare of Got in a Riot: The Councell (looke you)
shall desire to heare the feare of Gotand not to heare a


Riot: take your vizaments in that

Shal. Ha; o'my lifeif I were yong againethe sword
should end it

Euans. It is petter that friends is the swordand end
it: and there is also another deuice in my prainewhich
peraduenture prings goot discretions with it. There is
Anne Pagewhich is daughter to Master Thomas Page
which is pretty virginity

Slen. Mistris Anne Page? she has browne haireand
speakes small like a woman

Euans. It is that ferry person for all the orldas iust as
you will desireand seuen hundred pounds of Moneyes
and Goldand Silueris her Grand-sire vpon his deathsbed
(Got deliuer to a ioyfull resurrections) giuewhen
she is able to ouertake seuenteene yeeres old. It were a
goot motionif we leaue our pribbles and prabblesand
desire a marriage betweene Master Abrahamand Mistris
Anne Page

Slen. Did her Grand-sire leaue her seauen hundred
pound?
Euan. Iand her father is make her a petter penny

Slen. I know the young Gentlewomanshe has good
gifts

Euan. Seuen hundred poundsand possibilitiesis
goot gifts

Shal. Wellet vs see honest Mr Page: is Falstaffe there?

Euan. Shall I tell you a lye? I doe despise a lyeras I
doe despise one that is falseor as I despise one that is not
true: the Knight Sir Iohn is thereand I beseech you be
ruled by your well-willers: I will peat the doore for Mr.
Page. What hoa? Got-plesse your house heere

Mr.Page. Who's there?

Euan. Here is go't's plessing and your friendand Iustice
Shallowand heere yong Master Slender: that peraduentures
shall tell you another taleif matters grow to
your likings

Mr.Page. I am glad to see your Worships well: I
thanke you for my Venison Master Shallow

Shal. Master PageI am glad to see you: much good
doe it your good heart: I wish'd your Venison betterit
was ill killd: how doth good Mistresse Page? and I thank
you alwaies with my heartla: with my heart

M.Page. SirI thanke you

Shal. SirI thanke you: by yeaand no I doe

M.Pa. I am glad to see yougood Master Slender

Slen. How do's your fallow GreyhoundSirI heard
say he was out-run on Cotsall

M.Pa. It could not be iudg'dSir


Slen. You'll not confesse: you'll not confesse

Shal. That he will not'tis your fault'tis your fault:
'tis a good dogge

M.Pa. A CurSir

Shal. Sir: hee's a good dogand a faire dogcan there
be more said? he is goodand faire. Is Sir Iohn Falstaffe
heere?

M.Pa. Sirhee is within: and I would I could doe a
good office betweene you

Euan. It is spoke as a Christians ought to speake

Shal. He hath wrong'd me (Master Page.)
M.Pa. Sirhe doth in some sort confesse it


Shal. If it be confessedit is not redressed; is not that
so (M[aster]. Page?) he hath wrong'd meindeed he hathat a
word he hath: beleeue meRobert Shallow Esquiresaith
he is wronged

Ma.Pa. Here comes Sir Iohn

Fal. NowMaster Shallowyou'll complaine of me to
the King?
Shal. Knightyou haue beaten my menkill'd my
deereand broke open my Lodge

Fal. But not kiss'd your Keepers daughter?
Shal. Tuta pin: this shall be answer'd


Fal. I will answere it straitI haue done all this:
That is now answer'd

Shal. The Councell shall know this

Fal. 'Twere better for you if it were known in councell:
you'll be laugh'd at

Eu. Pauca verba; (Sir Iohn) good worts

Fal. Good worts? good Cabidge; SlenderI broke
your head: what matter haue you against me?

Slen. Marry sirI haue matter in my head against you
and against your cony-catching RascallsBardolfNym
and Pistoll

Bar. You Banbery Cheese

Slen. Iit is no matter

Pist. How nowMephostophilus?
Slen. Iit is no matter


Nym. SliceI say; paucapauca: Slicethat's my humor

Slen. Where's Simple my man? can you tellCosen?

Eua. PeaceI pray you: now let vs vnderstand: there
is three Vmpires in this matteras I vnderstand; that is
Master Page (fidelicet Master Page) & there is my selfe
(fidelicet my selfe) and the three party is (lastlyand finally)


mine Host of the Garter

Ma.Pa. We three to hear it& end it between them

Euan. Ferry goo'tI will make a priefe of it in my
note-bookeand we wil afterwards orke vpon the cause
with as great discreetly as we can

Fal. Pistoll

Pist. He heares with eares

Euan. The Teuill and his Tam: what phrase is this?
he heares with eare? whyit is affectations

Fal. Pistolldid you picke M[aster]. Slenders purse?

Slen. Iby these gloues did heeor I would I might
neuer come in mine owne great chamber againe elseof
seauen groates in mill-sixpencesand two Edward Shouelboords
that cost me two shilling and two pence a
peece of Yead Miller: by these gloues

Fal. Is this truePistoll?
Euan. Noit is falseif it is a picke-purse


Pist. Hathou mountaine Forreyner: Sir Iohnand
Master mineI combat challenge of this Latine Bilboe:
word of deniall in thy labras here; word of denial; froth
and scum thou liest

Slen. By these glouesthen 'twas he

Nym. Be auis'd sirand passe good humours: I will
say marry trap with youif you runne the nut-hooks humor
on methat is the very note of it

Slen. By this hatthen he in the red face had it: for
though I cannot remember what I did when you made
me drunkeyet I am not altogether an asse

Fal. What say you Scarletand Iohn?
Bar. Why sir(for my part) I say the Gentleman had
drunke himselfe out of his fiue sentences

Eu. It is his fiue sences: fiewhat the ignorance is

Bar. And being fapsirwas (as they say) casheerd: and
so conclusions past the Careires

Slen. Iyou spake in Latten then to: but 'tis no matter;
Ile nere be drunk whilst I liue againebut in honest
ciuillgodly company for this tricke: if I be drunkeIle
be drunke with those that haue the feare of Godand not
with drunken knaues

Euan. So got-udge methat is a vertuous minde

Fal. You heare all these matters deni'dGentlemen;
you heare it

Mr.Page. Nay daughtercarry the wine inwee'll
drinke within

Slen. Oh heauen: This is Mistresse Anne Page


Mr.Page. How now Mistris Ford?
Fal. Mistris Fordby my troth you are very wel met:
by your leaue good Mistris

Mr.Page. Wifebid these gentlemen welcome: come
we haue a hot Venison pasty to dinner; Come gentlemen
I hope we shall drinke downe all vnkindnesse

Slen. I had rather then forty shillings I had my booke
of Songs and Sonnets heere: How now Simplewhere
haue you beene? I must wait on my selfemust I? you
haue not the booke of Riddles about youhaue you?

Sim. Booke of Riddles? why did you not lend it to
Alice Short-cake vpon Alhallowmas lasta fortnight afore
Michaelmas

Shal. Come Cozcome Cozwe stay for you: a word
with you Coz: marry thisCoz: there is as 'twere a tender
a kinde of tendermade a farre-off by Sir Hugh here:
doe you vnderstand me?

Slen. I Siryou shall finde me reasonable; if it be so
I shall doe that that is reason

Shal. Naybut vnderstand me

Slen. So I doe Sir

Euan. Giue eare to his motions; (Mr. Slender) I will
description the matter to youif you be capacity of it

Slen. NayI will doe as my Cozen Shallow saies: I
pray you pardon mehe's a Iustice of Peace in his Countrie
simple though I stand here

Euan. But that is not the question: the question is
concerning your marriage

Shal. Ithere's the point Sir

Eu. Marry is it: the very point of itto Mi[stris]. An Page

Slen. Why if it be so; I will marry her vpon any reasonable
demands

Eu. But can you affection the 'omanlet vs command
to know that of your mouthor of your lips: for diuers
Philosophers holdthat the lips is parcell of the mouth:
therfore preciselyca[n] you carry your good wil to y maid?

Sh. Cosen Abraham Slendercan you loue her?

Slen. I hope sirI will do as it shall become one that
would doe reason

Eu. Naygot's Lordsand his Ladiesyou must speake
possitableif you can carry-her your desires towards her

Shal. That you must:
Will you(vpon good dowry) marry her?
Slen. I will doe a greater thing then thatvpon your
request (Cosen) in any reason

Shal. Nay conceiue meconceiue mee(sweet Coz):
What I doe is to pleasure you (Coz:) can you loue the
maid?


Slen. I will marry her (Sir) at your request; but if
there bee no great loue in the beginningyet Heauen
may decrease it vpon better acquaintancewhen wee
are marriedand haue more occasion to know one another:
I hope vpon familiarity will grow more content:
but if you say mary-herI will mary-herthat I am freely
dissoluedand dissolutely

Eu. It is a fery discretion-answere; saue the fall is in
the 'orddissolutely: the ort is (according to our meaning)
resolutely: his meaning is good

Sh. I: I thinke my Cosen meant well

Sl. Ior else I would I might be hang'd (la.)
Sh. Here comes faire Mistris Anne; would I were
yong for your sakeMistris Anne

An. The dinner is on the Tablemy Father desires
your worships company

Sh. I will wait on him(faire Mistris Anne.)
Eu. Od's plessed-wil: I wil not be abse[n]ce at the grace


An. Wil't please your worship to come inSir?
Sl. NoI thank you forsoothhartely; I am very well


An. The dinner attends youSir

Sl. I am not a-hungryI thanke youforsooth: goe
Sirhafor all you are my mangoe wait vpon my Cosen
Shallow: a Iustice of peace sometime may be beholding
to his friendfor a Man; I keepe but three Menand a
Boy yettill my Mother be dead: but what thoughyet
I liue like a poore Gentleman borne

An. I may not goe in without your worship: they
will not sit till you come

Sl. I' faithile eate nothing: I thanke you as much as
though I did

An. I pray you Sir walke in

Sl. I had rather walke here (I thanke you) I bruiz'd
my shin th' other daywith playing at Sword and Dagger
with a Master of Fence (three veneys for a dish of
stew'd Prunes) and by my trothI cannot abide the smell
of hot meate since. Why doe your dogs barke so? be
there Beares ith' Towne?

An. I thinke there areSirI heard them talk'd of

Sl. I loue the sport wellbut I shall as soone quarrell
at itas any man in England: you are afraid if you see the
Beare looseare you not?

An. I indeede Sir

Sl. That's meate and drinke to me now: I haue seene
Saskerson loosetwenty timesand haue taken him by the
Chaine: but (I warrant you) the women haue so cride
and shrekt at itthat it past: But women indeedecannot
abide 'emthey are very ill-fauour'd rough things

Ma.Pa. Comegentle M[aster]. Slendercome; we stay for you


Sl. Ile eate nothingI thanke you Sir

Ma.Pa. By cocke and pieyou shall not chooseSir:
comecome

Sl. Naypray you lead the way

Ma.Pa. Come onSir

Sl. Mistris Anne: your selfe shall goe first

An. Not I Sirpray you keepe on

Sl. Truely I will not goe first: truely-la: I will not
doe you that wrong

An. I pray you Sir

Sl. Ile rather be vnmannerlythen troublesome: you
doe your selfe wrong indeede-la.

Exeunt.

Scena Secunda.

Enter Euansand Simple.

Eu. Go your waiesand aske of Doctor Caius house
which is the way; and there dwels one Mistris Quickly;
which is in the manner of his Nurse; or his dry-Nurse; or
his Cooke; or his Laundry; his Washerand his Ringer

Si. Well Sir

Eu. Nayit is petter yet: giue her this letter; for it is
a 'oman that altogeathers acquainta[n]ce with Mistris Anne
Page; and the Letter is to desireand require her to solicite
your Masters desiresto Mistris Anne Page: I pray
you be gon: I will make an end of my dinner; ther's Pippins
and Cheese to come.

Exeunt.

Scena Tertia.

Enter FalstaffeHostBardolfeNymPistollPage.

Fal. Mine Host of the Garter?

Ho. What saies my Bully Rooke? speake schollerly
and wisely

Fal. Truely mine Host; I must turne away some of my
followers

Ho. Discard(bully Hercules) casheere; let them wag;
trottrot

Fal. I sit at ten pounds a weeke

Ho. Thou'rt an Emperor (CesarKeiser and Pheazar)
I will entertaine Bardolfe: he shall draw; he shall tap; said


I well (bully Hector?)
Fa. Doe so (good mine Host.)
Ho. I haue spoke; let him follow; let me see thee froth

and liue: I am at a word: follow

Fal. Bardolfefollow him: a Tapster is a good trade:
an old Cloakemakes a new Ierkin: a wither'd Seruingman
a fresh Tapster: goeadew

Ba. It is a life that I haue desir'd: I will thriue

Pist. O base hungarian wight: wilt y the spigot wield

Ni. He was gotten in drink: is not the humor co[n]ceited?

Fal. I am glad I am so acquit of this Tinderbox: his
Thefts were too open: his filching was like an vnskilfull
Singerhe kept not time

Ni. The good humor is to steale at a minutes rest

Pist. Conuay: the wise it call: Steale? foh: a fico for
the phrase

Fal. Well sirsI am almost out at heeles

Pist. Why then let Kibes ensue

Fal. There is no remedy: I must conicatchI must shift

Pist. Yong Rauens must haue foode

Fal. Which of you know Ford of this Towne?
Pist. I ken the wight: he is of substance good


Fal. My honest LadsI will tell you what I am about

Pist. Two yardsand more

Fal. No quips now Pistoll: (Indeede I am in the waste
two yards about: but I am now about no waste: I am about
thrift) briefely: I doe meane to make loue to Fords
wife: I spie entertainment in her: shee discourses: shee
carues: she giues the leere of inuitation: I can construe
the action of her familier stile& the hardest voice of her
behauior (to be english'd rightly) isI am Sir Iohn Falstafs

Pist. He hath studied her will; and translated her will:
out of honestyinto English

Ni. The Anchor is deepe: will that humor passe?
Fal. Nowthe report goesshe has all the rule of her
husbands Purse: he hath a legend of Angels

Pist. As many diuels entertaine: and to her Boy say I

Ni. The humor rises: it is good: humor me the angels

Fal. I haue writ me here a letter to her: & here another
to Pages wifewho euen now gaue mee good eyes
too; examind my parts with most iudicious illiads: sometimes
the beame of her viewguilded my foote: sometimes
my portly belly

Pist. Then did the Sun on dung-hill shine


Ni. I thanke thee for that humour

Fal. O she did so course o're my exteriors with such
a greedy intentionthat the appetite of her eyedid seeme
to scorch me vp like a burning-glasse: here's another
letter to her: She beares the Purse too: She is a Region
in Guiana: all goldand bountie: I will be Cheaters to
them bothand they shall be Exchequers to mee: they
shall be my East and West Indiesand I will trade to
them both: Goebeare thou this Letter to Mistris Page;
and thou this to Mistris Ford: we will thriue (Lads) we
will thriue

Pist. Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become
And by my side weare Steele? then Lucifer take all

Ni. I will run no base humor: here take the humor-Letter;
I will keepe the hauior of reputation

Fal. Hold Sirhabeare you these Letters tightly
Saile like my Pinnasse to these golden shores.
Rogueshenceauauntvanish like haile-stones; goe
Trudge; plod away ith' hoofe: seeke shelterpacke:
Falstaffe will learne the honor of the age
French-thriftyou Roguesmy selfeand skirted Page

Pist. Let Vultures gripe thy guts: for gourdand
Fullam holds: & high and low beguiles the rich & poore
Tester ile haue in pouch when thou shalt lacke
Base Phrygian Turke

Ni. I haue opperations
Which be humors of reuenge

Pist. Wilt thou reuenge?
Ni. By Welkinand her Star


Pist. With witor Steele?
Ni. With both the humorsI:
I will discusse the humour of this Loue to Ford

Pist. And I to Page shall eke vnfold
How Falstaffe (varlet vile)
His Doue will proue; his gold will hold
And his soft couch defile

Ni. My humour shall not coole: I will incense Ford
to deale with poyson: I will possesse him with yallownesse
for the reuolt of mine is dangerous: that is my
true humour

Pist. Thou art the Mars of Malecontents: I second
thee: troope on.

Exeunt.

Scoena Quarta.

Enter Mistris QuicklySimpleIohn RugbyDoctorCaiusFenton.

Qu. WhatIohn RugbyI pray thee goe to the Casement
and see if you can see my MasterMaster Docter


Caius comming: if he doe (I' faith) and finde any body
in the house; here will be an old abusing of Gods patience
and the Kings English

Ru. Ile goe watch

Qu. Goeand we'll haue a posset for't soone at night
(in faith) at the latter end of a Sea-cole-fire: An honest
willingkinde fellowas euer seruant shall come in house
withall: and I warrant youno tel-talenor no breedebate:
his worst fault isthat he is giuen to prayer; hee is
something peeuish that way: but no body but has his
fault: but let that passe. Peter Simpleyou say your
name is?

Si. I: for fault of a better

Qu. And Master Slender's your Master?
Si. I forsooth


Qu. Do's he not weare a great round Beardlike a
Glouers pairing-knife?
Si. No forsooth: he hath but a little wee-face; with
a little yellow Beard: a Caine colourd Beard

Qu. A softly-sprighted manis he not?

Si. I forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his handsas
any is betweene this and his head: he hath fought with
a Warrener

Qu. How say you: ohI should remember him: do's
he not hold vp his head (as it were?) and strut in his gate?
Si. Yes indeede do's he

Qu. Wellheauen send Anne Pageno worse fortune:
Tell Master Parson EuansI will doe what I can for your
Master: Anne is a good girleand I wish


Ru. Out alas: here comes my Master

Qu. We shall all be shent: Run in heregood young
man: goe into this Closset: he will not stay long: what
Iohn Rugby? Iohn: what Iohn I say? goe Iohngoe enquire
for my MasterI doubt he be not wellthat hee
comes not home: (and downedowneadowne'a. &c

Ca. Vat is you sing? I doe not like des-toyes: pray
you goe and vetch me in my Clossetvnboyteere verd;
a Boxa greene-a-Box: do intend vat I speake? a greene-a-Box

Qu. I forsooth ile fetch it you:
I am glad hee went not in himselfe: if he had found the
yong man he would haue bin horne-mad

Ca. Fefefefemai foyil fait for ehandoIe man voi a le
Court la grand affaires

Qu. Is it this Sir?
Ca. Ouy mette le au mon pocketdepeech quickly:


Vere is dat knaue Rugby?
Qu. What Iohn RugbyIohn?
Ru. Here Sir

Ca. You are Iohn Rugbyand you are Iacke Rugby:
Cometake-a-your Rapierand come after my heele to
the Court


Ru. 'Tis ready Sirhere in the Porch

Ca. By my trot: I tarry too long: od's-me: que ay ie
oublie: dere is some Simples in my Clossetdat I vill not
for the varld I shall leaue behinde

Qu. Ay-mehe'll finde the yong man there& be mad

Ca. O DiableDiable: vat is in my Closset?
VillanieLaroone: Rugbymy Rapier

Qu. Good Master be content

Ca. Wherefore shall I be content-a?
Qu. The yong man is an honest man


Ca. What shall de honest man do in my Closset: dere
is no honest man dat shall come in my Closset

Qu. I beseech you be not so flegmaticke: heare the
truth of it. He came of an errand to meefrom Parson
Hugh

Ca. Vell

Si. I forsooth: to desire her to -
Qu. PeaceI pray you


Ca. Peace-a-your tongue: speake-a-your Tale

Si. To desire this honest Gentlewoman (your Maid)
to speake a good word to Mistris Anne Pagefor my Master
in the way of Marriage

Qu. This is all indeede-la: but ile nere put my finger
in the fireand neede not

Ca. Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugbyballow mee some
paper: tarry you a littell-a-while

Qui. I am glad he is so quiet: if he had bin throughly
mouedyou should haue heard him so loudand so melancholly:
but notwithstanding manIle doe yoe your
Master what good I can: and the very yea& the no isy
French Doctor my Master(I may call him my Master
looke youfor I keepe his house; and I washringbrew
bakescowredresse meat and drinkemake the bedsand
doe all my selfe.)

Simp. 'Tis a great charge to come vnder one bodies
hand

Qui. Are you auis'd o'that? you shall finde it a great
charge: and to be vp earlyand down late: but notwithstanding
(to tell you in your eareI wold haue no words
of it) my Master himselfe is in loue with Mistris Anne
Page: but notwithstanding that I know Ans mindthat's
neither heere nor there

Caius. YouIack'Nape: giue-'a this Letter to Sir
Hughby gar it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in de
Parkeand I will teach a scuruy Iackanape Priest to
meddleor make:- you may be gon: it is not good
you tarry here: by gar I will cut all his two stones: by


garhe shall not haue a stone to throw at his dogge

Qui. Alas: he speakes but for his friend

Caius. It is no matter 'a ver dat: do not you tell-a-me
dat I shall haue Anne Page for my selfe? by garI vill
kill de Iack-Priest: and I haue appointed mine Host of
de Iarteer to measure our weapon: by garI wil my selfe
haue Anne Page

Qui. Sirthe maid loues youand all shall bee well:
We must giue folkes leaue to prate: what the goodier

Caius. Rugbycome to the Court with me: by garif
I haue not Anne PageI shall turne your head out of my
dore: follow my heelesRugby

Qui. You shall haue An-fooles head of your owne:
NoI know Ans mind for that: neuer a woman in Windsor
knowes more of Ans minde then I doenor can doe
more then I doe with herI thanke heauen

Fenton. Who's with in therehoa?
Qui. Who's thereI troa? Come neere the house I
pray you

Fen. How now (good woman) how dost thou?

Qui. The better that it pleases your good Worship
to aske?

Fen. What newes? how do's pretty Mistris Anne?

Qui. In truth Sirand shee is prettyand honestand
gentleand one that is your friendI can tell you that by
the wayI praise heauen for it

Fen. Shall I doe any good thinkst thou? shall I not
loose my suit?

Qui. Troth Sirall is in his hands aboue: but notwithstanding
(Master Fenton) Ile be sworne on a booke
shee loues you: haue not your Worship a wart aboue
your eye?

Fen. Yes marry haue Iwhat of that?

Qui. Welthereby hangs a tale: good faithit is such
another Nan; (but (I detest) an honest maid as euer
broke bread: wee had an howres talke of that wart; I
shall neuer laugh but in that maids company: but (indeed)
shee is giuen too much to Allicholy and musing:
but for you - well - goe too


Fen. Well: I shall see her to day: holdthere's money
for thee: Let mee haue thy voice in my behalfe: if
thou seest her before mecommend me.


Qui. Will I? I faith that wee will: And I will tell
your Worship more of the Wartthe next time we haue
confidenceand of other wooers

Fen. Wellfare-wellI am in great haste now

Qui. Fare-well to your Worship: truely an honest
Gentleman: but Anne loues him not: for I know Ans
minde as well as another do's: out vpon't: what haue I
forgot.

Enter.


Actus Secundus. Scoena Prima.


Enter Mistris PageMistris FordMaster PageMaster Ford
PistollNim
QuicklyHostShallow.


Mist.Page. Whathaue scap'd Loue-letters in the
holly-day-time of my beautyand am I now a subiect
for them? let me see?
Aske me no reason why I loue youfor though Loue vse Reason
for his precisianhee admits him not for his Counsailour:
you are not yongno more am I: goe to thenthere's simpathie:
you are merryso am I: hahathen there's more simpathie:
you loue sackeand so do I: would you desire better simpathie?
Let it suffice thee (Mistris Page) at the least if the Loue of
Souldier can sufficethat I loue thee: I will not say pitty mee
'tis not a Souldier-like phrase; but I sayloue me:
By methine owne true Knightby day or night:
Or any kinde of lightwith all his might
For thee to fight. Iohn Falstaffe.
What a Herod of Iurie is this? O wickedwicked world:
One that is well-nye worne to peeces with age
To show himselfe a yong Gallant? What an vnwaied
Behauiour hath this Flemish drunkard pickt (with
The Deuills name) out of my conuersationthat he dares
In this manner assay me? whyhee hath not beene thrice
In my Company: what should I say to him? I was then
Frugall of my mirth: (heauen forgiue mee:) why Ile
Exhibit a Bill in the Parliament for the putting downe
of men: how shall I be reueng'd on him? for reueng'd I
will be? as sure as his guts are made of puddings

Mis.Ford. Mistris Pagetrust meI was going to your
house

Mis.Page. And trust meI was comming to you: you
looke very ill

Mis.Ford. Nay Ile nere beleeue that; I haue to shew
to the contrary

Mis.Page. 'Faith but you doe in my minde

Mis.Ford. Well: I doe then: yet I sayI could shew
you to the contrary: O Mistris Pagegiue mee some
counsaile

Mis.Page. What's the matterwoman?
Mi.Ford. O woman: if it were not for one trifling respect
I could come to such honour

Mi.Page. Hang the trifle (woman) take the honour:
what is it? dispence with trifles: what is it?
Mi.Ford. If I would but goe to hellfor an eternall
momentor so: I could be knighted

Mi.Page. What thou liest? Sir Alice Ford? these
Knights will hackeand so thou shouldst not alter the article
of thy Gentry

Mi.Ford. Wee burne day-light: heerereadread:
perceiue how I might bee knightedI shall thinke the
worse of fat menas long as I haue an eye to make difference
of mens liking: and yet hee would not sweare:


praise womens modesty: and gaue such orderly and welbehaued
reproofe to al vncomelinessethat I would haue
sworne his disposition would haue gone to the truth of
his words: but they doe no more adhere and keep place
togetherthen the hundred Psalms to the tune of Greensleeues:
What tempest (I troa) threw this Whale(with
so many Tuns of oyle in his belly) a'shoare at Windsor?
How shall I bee reuenged on him? I thinke the best way
wereto entertaine him with hopetill the wicked fire
of lust haue melted him in his owne greace: Did you euer
heare the like?

Mis.Page. Letter for letter; but that the name of
Page and Ford differs: to thy great comfort in this mystery
of ill opinionsheere's the twyn-brother of thy Letter:
but let thine inherit firstfor I protest mine neuer
shall: I warrant he hath a thousand of these Letterswrit
with blancke-space for different names (sure more): and
these are of the second edition: hee will print them out
of doubt: for he cares not what hee puts into the presse
when he would put vs two: I had rather be a Giantesse
and lye vnder Mount Pelion: Well; I will find you twentie
lasciuious Turtles ere one chaste man

Mis.Ford. Why this is the very same: the very hand:
the very words: what doth he thinke of vs?

Mis.Page. Nay I know not: it makes me almost readie
to wrangle with mine owne honesty: Ile entertaine
my selfe like one that I am not acquainted withall: for
sure vnlesse hee know some straine in meethat I know
not my selfehee would neuer haue boorded me in this
furie

Mi.Ford. Boordingcall you it? Ile bee sure to keepe
him aboue decke

Mi.Page. So will I: if hee come vnder my hatches
Ile neuer to Sea againe: Let's bee reueng'd on him: let's
appoint him a meeting: giue him a show of comfort in
his Suitand lead him on with a fine baited delaytill hee
hath pawn'd his horses to mine Host of the Garter

Mi.Ford. NayI wil consent to act any villany against
himthat may not sully the charinesse of our honesty: oh
that my husband saw this Letter: it would giue eternall
food to his iealousie

Mis.Page. Why look where he comes; and my good
man too: hee's as farre from iealousieas I am from giuing
him causeand that (I hope) is an vnmeasurable distance

Mis.Ford. You are the happier woman

Mis.Page. Let's consult together against this greasie
Knight: Come hither

Ford. Well: I hopeit be not so

Pist. Hope is a curtall-dog in some affaires:
Sir Iohn affects thy wife

Ford. Why sirmy wife is not young

Pist. He wooes both high and lowboth rich & poor
both yong and oldone with another (Ford) he loues the


Gally-mawfry (Ford) perpend

Ford. Loue my wife?

Pist. With liuerburning hot: preuent:
Or goe thou like Sir Acteon hewith
Ring-wood at thy heeles: Oodious is the name

Ford. What name Sir?

Pist. The horne I say: Farewell:
Take heedhaue open eyefor theeues doe foot by night.
Take heedere sommer comesor Cuckoo-birds do sing.
Away sir Corporall Nim:
Beleeue it (Page) he speakes sence

Ford. I will be patient: I will find out this

Nim. And this is true: I like not the humor of lying:
hee hath wronged mee in some humors: I should haue
borne the humour'd Letter to her: but I haue a sword:
and it shall bite vpon my necessitie: he loues your wife;
There's the short and the long: My name is Corporall
Nim: I speakand I auouch; 'tis true: my name is Nim:
and Falstaffe loues your wife: adieuI loue not the humour
of bread and cheese: adieu

Page. The humour of it (quoth 'a?) heere's a fellow
frights English out of his wits

Ford. I will seeke out Falstaffe

Page. I neuer heard such a drawling-affecting rogue

Ford. If I doe finde it: well

Page. I will not beleeue such a Cataianthough the
Priest o' th' Towne commended him for a true man

Ford. 'Twas a good sensible fellow: well

Page. How now Meg?
Mist.Page. Whether goe you (George?) harke you


Mis.Ford. How now (sweet Frank) why art thou melancholy?
Ford. I melancholy? I am not melancholy:
Get you home: goe

Mis.Ford. Faiththou hast some crochets in thy head
Now: will you goeMistris Page?

Mis.Page. Haue with you: you'll come to dinner
George? Looke who comes yonder: shee shall bee our
Messenger to this paltrie Knight

Mis.Ford. Trust meI thought on her: shee'll fit it

Mis.Page. You are come to see my daughter Anne?
Qui. I forsooth: and I pray how do's good Mistresse
Anne?
Mis.Page. Go in with vs and see: we haue an houres
talke with you

Page. How now Master Ford?
For. You heard what this knaue told medid you not?
Page. Yesand you heard what the other told me?
Ford. Doe you thinke there is truth in them?



Pag. Hang 'em slaues: I doe not thinke the Knight
would offer it: But these that accuse him in his intent
towards our wiuesare a yoake of his discarded men: very
roguesnow they be out of seruice

Ford. Were they his men?
Page. Marry were they


Ford. I like it neuer the beter for that
Do's he lye at the Garter?

Page. I marry do's he: if hee should intend this voyage
toward my wifeI would turne her loose to him;
and what hee gets more of herthen sharpe wordslet it
lye on my head

Ford. I doe not misdoubt my wife: but I would bee
loath to turne them together: a man may be too confident:
I would haue nothing lye on my head: I cannot
be thus satisfied

Page. Looke where my ranting-Host of the Garter
comes: there is eyther liquor in his pateor mony in his
pursewhen hee lookes so merrily: How now mine
Host?

Host. How now Bully-Rooke: thou'rt a Gentleman
Caueleiro IusticeI say

Shal. I follow(mine Host) I follow: Good-euen
and twenty (good Master Page.) Master Pagewil you go
with vs? we haue sport in hand

Host. Tell him Caueleiro-Iustice: tell him Bully-Rooke

Shall. Sirthere is a fray to be foughtbetweene Sir
Hugh the Welch Priestand Caius the French Doctor

Ford. Good mine Host o'th' Garter: a word with you

Host. What saist thoumy Bully-Rooke?

Shal. Will you goe with vs to behold it? My merry
Host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and (I
thinke) hath appointed them contrary places: for (beleeue
mee) I heare the Parson is no Iester: harkeI will
tell you what our sport shall be

Host. Hast thou no suit against my Knight? my guest-Caualeire?

Shal. NoneI protest: but Ile giue you a pottle of
burn'd sacketo giue me recourse to himand tell him
my name is Broome: onely for a iest

Host. My hand(Bully:) thou shalt haue egresse and
regresse(said I well?) and thy name shall be Broome. It
is a merry Knight: will you goe An-heires?

Shal. Haue with you mine Host

Page. I haue heard the French-man hath good skill
in his Rapier

Shal. Tut sir: I could haue told you more: In these
times you stand on distance: your PassesStoccado'sand
I know not what: 'tis the heart (Master Page) 'tis heere
'tis heere: I haue seene the timewith my long-swordI
would haue made you fowre tall fellowes skippe like
Rattes


Host. Heere boyesheereheere: shall we wag?
Page. Haue with you: I had rather heare them scold
then fight

Ford. Though Page be a secure fooleand stands so
firmely on his wiues frailty; yetI cannot put-off my opinion
so easily: she was in his company at Pages house:
and what they made thereI know not. WellI wil looke
further into'tand I haue a disguiseto sound Falstaffe; if
I finde her honestI loose not my labor: if she be otherwise
'tis labour well bestowed.

Exeunt.

Scoena Secunda.

Enter FalstaffePistollRobinQuicklyBardolffeFord.

Fal. I will not lend thee a penny

Pist. Why then the world's mine Oysterwhich I
with sword will open

Fal. Not a penny: I haue beene content (Sir) you
should lay my countenance to pawne: I haue grated vpon
my good friends for three Repreeues for youand
your Coach-fellow Nim; or else you had look'd through
the gratelike a Geminy of Baboones: I am damn'd in
hellfor swearing to Gentlemen my friendsyou were
good Souldiersand tall-fellowes. And when Mistresse
Briget lost the handle of her FanI took't vpon mine honour
thou hadst it not

Pist. Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteene
pence?

Fal. Reasonyou roaguereason: thinkst thou Ile endanger
my soulegratis? at a wordhang no more about
meeI am no gibbet for you: goea short knifeand a
throngto your Mannor of Pickt-hatch: goeyou'll not
beare a Letter for mee you roague? you stand vpon your
honor: why(thou vnconfinable basenesse) it is as much
as I can doe to keepe the termes of my honor precise:
III my selfe sometimesleauing the feare of heauen on
the left handand hiding mine honor in my necessityam
faine to shufflle: to hedgeand to lurchand yetyou
Roguewill en-sconce your raggs; your Cat-a-Mountaine-lookes
your red-lattice phrasesand your boldbeating-oathes
vnder the shelter of your honor? you
will not doe it? you?

Pist. I doe relent: what would thou more of man?

Robin. Sirhere's a woman would speake with you

Fal. Let her approach

Qui. Giue your worship good morrow

Fal. Good-morrowgood-wife

Qui. Not soand't please your worship


Fal. Good maid then

Qui. Ile be sworne
As my mother was the first houre I was borne

Fal. I doe beleeue the swearer; what with me?

Qui. Shall I vouch-safe your worship a wordor
two?

Fal. Two thousand (faire woman) and ile vouchsafe
thee the hearing

Qui. There is one Mistresse Ford(Sir) I pray come a
little neerer this waies: I my selfe dwell with M[aster]. Doctor
Caius:

Fal. Wellon; Mistresse Fordyou say

Qui. Your worship saies very true: I pray your worship
come a little neerer this waies

Fal. I warrant theeno-bodie heares: mine owne
peoplemine owne people

Qui. Are they so? heauen-blesse themand make
them his Seruants

Fal. Well; Mistresse Fordwhat of her?

Qui. WhySir; shee's a good-creature; LordLord
your Worship's a wanton: well: heauen forgiue you
and all of vsI pray


Fal. Mistresse Ford: comeMistresse Ford

Qui. Marry this is the shortand the long of it: you
haue brought her into such a Canariesas 'tis wonderfull:
the best Courtier of them all (when the Court lay
at Windsor) could neuer haue brought her to such a Canarie:
yet there has beene Knightsand Lordsand Gentlemen
with their Coaches; I warrant you Coach after
Coachletter after lettergift after giftsmelling so sweetly;
all Muskeand so rushlingI warrant youin silke
and goldeand in such alligant termesand in such wine
and suger of the bestand the fairestthat would haue
wonne any womans heart: and I warrant youthey could
neuer get an eye-winke of her: I had my selfe twentie
Angels giuen me this morningbut I defie all Angels (in
any such sortas they say) but in the way of honesty: and
I warrant youthey could neuer get her so much as sippe
on a cup with the prowdest of them alland yet there has
beene Earles: nay(which is more) Pentionersbut I
warrant you all is one with her

Fal. But what saies shee to mee? be briefe my good
sheeMercurie

Qui. Marryshe hath receiu'd your Letter: for the
which she thankes you a thousand times; and she giues
you to notifiethat her husband will be absence from his
housebetweene ten and eleuen

Fal. Tenand eleuen


Qui. Iforsooth: and then you may come and see the
picture (she sayes) that you wot of: Master Ford her husband
will be from home: alasthe sweet woman leades
an ill life with him: hee's a very iealousie-man; she leads
a very frampold life with him(good hart.)

Fal. Tenand eleuen.
Womancommend me to herI will not faile her

Qui. Whyyou say well: But I haue another messenger
to your worship: Mistresse Page hath her heartie
commendations to you to: and let mee tell you in your
eareshee's as fartuous a ciuill modest wifeand one (I
tell you) that will not misse you morning nor euening
prayeras any is in Windsorwho ere bee the other: and
shee bade me tell your worshipthat her husband is seldome
from homebut she hopes there will come a time.
I neuer knew a woman so doate vpon a man; surely I
thinke you haue charmesla: yes in truth

Fal. Not II assure thee; setting the attraction of my
good parts asideI haue no other charmes

Qui. Blessing on your heart for't

Fal. But I pray thee tell me this: has Fords wifeand
Pages wife acquainted each otherhow they loue me?

Qui. That were a iest indeed: they haue not so little
grace I hopethat were a tricke indeed: But Mistris Page
would desire you to send her your little Page of al loues:
her husband has a maruellous infectio[n] to the little Page:
and truely Master Page is an honest man: neuer a wife in
Windsor leades a better life then she do's: doe what shee
willsay what she willtake allpay allgoe to bed when
she listrise when she listall is as she will: and truly she
deserues it; for if there be a kinde woman in Windsorshe
is one: you must send her your Pageno remedie

Fal. WhyI will

Qu. Naybut doe so thenand looke youhee may
come and goe betweene you both: and in any case haue
a nay-wordthat you may know one anothers minde
and the Boy neuer neede to vnderstand any thing; for
'tis not good that children should know any wickednes:
olde folkes you knowhaue discretionas they sayand
know the world

Fal. Farethee-wellcommend mee to them both:
there's my purseI am yet thy debter: Boygoe along
with this womanthis newes distracts me

Pist. This Puncke is one of Cupids Carriers
Clap on more sailespursue: vp with your sights:
Giue fire: she is my prizeor Ocean whelme them all

Fal. Saist thou so (old Iacke) go thy waies: Ile make
more of thy olde body then I haue done: will they yet
looke after thee? wilt thou after the expence of so much
moneybe now a gainer? good BodyI thanke thee: let
them say 'tis grossely doneso it bee fairely doneno
matter


Bar. Sir Iohnthere's one Master Broome below would
faine speake with youand be acquainted with you; and
hath sent your worship a mornings draught of Sacke

Fal. Broome is his name?

Bar. I Sir

Fal. Call him in: such Broomes are welcome to mee
that ore'flowes such liquor: ah haMistresse Ford and Mistresse
Pagehaue I encompass'd you? goe tovia

Ford. 'Blesse you sir

Fal. And you sir: would you speake with me?

Ford. I make boldto pressewith so little preparation
vpon you

Fal. You'r welcomewhat's your will? giue vs leaue
Drawer

Ford. SirI am a Gentleman that haue spent much
my name is Broome

Fal. Good Master BroomeI desire more acquaintance
of you

Ford. Good Sir IohnI sue for yours: not to charge
youfor I must let you vnderstandI thinke my selfe in
better plight for a Lenderthen you are: the which hath
something emboldned me to this vnseason'd intrusion:
for they sayif money goe beforeall waies doe lye
open

Fal. Money is a good Souldier (Sir) and will on

Ford. Trothand I haue a bag of money heere troubles
me: if you will helpe to beare it (Sir Iohn) take all
or halfefor easing me of the carriage

Fal. SirI know not how I may deserue to bee your
Porter

Ford. I will tell you sirif you will giue mee the hearing

Fal. Speake (good Master Broome) I shall be glad to
be your Seruant

Ford. SirI heare you are a Scholler: (I will be briefe
with you) and you haue been a man long knowne to me
though I had neuer so good means as desireto make my
selfe acquainted with you. I shall discouer a thing to
youwherein I must very much lay open mine owne imperfection:
but (good Sir Iohn) as you haue one eye vpon
my folliesas you heare them vnfoldedturne another
into the Register of your ownethat I may passe with a
reproofe the easiersith you your selfe know how easie it
is to be such an offender

Fal. Very well Sirproceed

Ford. There is a Gentlewoman in this Towneher


husbands name is Ford

Fal. Well Sir

Ford. I haue long lou'd herand I protest to youbestowed
much on her: followed her with a doating obseruance:
Ingross'd opportunities to meete her: fee'd euery
slight occasion that could but nigardly giue mee
sight of her: not only bought many presents to giue her
but haue giuen largely to manyto know what shee
would haue giuen: brieflyI haue pursu'd heras Loue
hath pursued meewhich hath beene on the wing of all
occasions: but whatsoeuer I haue meritedeither in my
mindeor in my meanesmeede I am sure I haue receiued
nonevnlesse Experience be a Iewellthat I haue purchased
at an infinite rateand that hath taught mee to say
this
``Loue like a shadow flieswhen substance Loue pursues
``Pursuing that that fliesand flying what pursues

Fal. Haue you receiu'd no promise of satisfaction at
her hands?
Ford. Neuer

Fal. Haue you importun'd her to such a purpose?
Ford. Neuer


Fal. Of what qualitie was your loue then?

Ford. Like a fair housebuilt on another mans ground
so that I haue lost my edificeby mistaking the place
where I erected it

Fal. To what purpose haue you vnfolded this to me?

For. When I haue told you thatI haue told you all:
Some saythat though she appeare honest to meeyet in
other places shee enlargeth her mirth so farrethat there
is shrewd construction made of her. Now (Sir Iohn) here
is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent
breedingadmirable discourseof great admittance
authenticke in your place and persongenerally
allow'd for your many war-likecourt-likeand learned
preparations

Fal. O Sir

Ford. Beleeue itfor you know it: there is money
spend itspend itspend more; spend all I haueonely
giue me so much of your time in enchange of itas to lay
an amiable siege to the honesty of this Fords wife: vse
your Art of wooing; win her to consent to you: if any
man mayyou may as soone as any

Fal. Would it apply well to the vehemency of your
affection that I should win what you would enioy? Methinkes
you prescribe to your selfe very preposterously

Ford. Ovnderstand my drift: she dwells so securely
on the excellency of her honorthat the folly of my soule
dares not present it selfe: shee is too bright to be look'd
against. Nowcould I come to her with any detection
in my hand; my desires had instance and argument to
commend themseluesI could driue her then from the
ward of her purityher reputationher marriage-vow
and a thousand other her defenceswhich now are tootoo


strongly embattaild against me: what say you too't
Sir Iohn?

Fal. Master BroomeI will first make bold with your
money: nextgiue mee your hand: and lastas I am a
gentlemanyou shallif you willenioy Fords wife

Ford. O good Sir

Fal. I say you shall

Ford. Want no money (Sir Iohn) you shall want none

Fal. Want no Mistresse Ford (Master Broome) you shall
want none: I shall be with her (I may tell you) by her
owne appointmenteuen as you came in to meher assistant
or goe-betweeneparted from me: I say I shall be
with her betweene ten and eleuen: for at that time the
iealious-rascally-knaue her husband will be forth: come
you to me at nightyou shall know how I speed

Ford. I am blest in your acquaintance: do you know
Ford Sir?

Fal. Hang him (poore Cuckoldly knaue) I know
him not: yet I wrong him to call him poore: They say
the iealous wittolly-knaue hath masses of moneyfor
the which his wife seemes to me well-fauourd: I will vse
her as the key of the Cuckoldly-rogues Coffer& ther's
my haruest-home

Ford. I would you knew Fordsirthat you might auoid
himif you saw him

Fal. Hang himmechanicall-salt-butter rogue; I wil
stare him out of his wits: I will awe-him with my cudgell:
it shall hang like a Meteor ore the Cuckolds horns:
Master Broomethou shalt knowI will predominate ouer
the pezantand thou shalt lye with his wife. Come
to me soone at night: Ford's a knaueand I will aggrauate
his stile: thou (Master Broome) shalt know him for
knaueand Cuckold. Come to me soone at night

Ford. What a damn'd Epicurian-Rascall is this? my
heart is ready to cracke with impatience: who saies this
is improuident iealousie? my wife hath sent to himthe
howre is fixtthe match is made: would any man haue
thought this? see the hell of hauing a false woman: my
bed shall be abus'dmy Coffers ransack'dmy reputation
gnawne atand I shall not onely receiue this villanous
wrongbut stand vnder the adoption of abhominable
termesand by him that does mee this wrong: Termes
names: Amaimon sounds well: Luciferwell: Barbason
well: yet they are Diuels additionsthe names of fiends:
But CuckoldWittollCuckold? the Diuell himselfe
hath not such a name. Page is an Assea secure Asse; hee
will trust his wifehee will not be iealous: I will rather
trust a Fleming with my butterParson Hugh the Welshman
with my Cheesean Irish-man with my Aqua-vitae-bottle
or a Theefe to walke my ambling geldingthen
my wife with her selfe. Then she plotsthen shee ruminates
then shee deuises: and what they thinke in their
hearts they may effect; they will breake their hearts but
they will effect. Heauen bee prais'd for my iealousie:
eleuen o' clocke the howreI will preuent thisdetect
my wifebee reueng'd on Falstaffeand laugh at Page. I


will about itbetter three houres too soonethen a mynute
too late: fiefiefie: CuckoldCuckoldCuckold.

Enter.

Scena Tertia.

Enter CaiusRugbyPageShallowSlenderHost.

Caius. Iacke Rugby

Rug. Sir

Caius. Vat is the clockeIack

Rug. 'Tis past the howre (Sir) that Sir Hugh promis'd
to meet

Cai. By garhe has saue his souledat he is no-come:
hee has pray his Pible welldat he is no-come: by gar
(Iack Rugby) he is dead alreadyif he be come

Rug. Hee is wise Sir: hee knew your worship would
kill him if he came

Cai. By garde herring is no deadso as I vill kill
him: take your Rapier(Iacke) I vill tell you how I vill
kill him

Rug. Alas sirI cannot fence

Cai. Villainetake your Rapier

Rug. Forbeare: heer's company

Host. 'Blesse theebully-Doctor

Shal. 'Saue you Mr. Doctor Caius

Page. Now good Mr. Doctor

Slen. 'Giue you good-morrowsir

Caius. Vat be all you onetwotreefowrecome for?

Host. To see thee fightto see thee foigneto see thee
trauerseto see thee heereto see thee thereto see thee
passe thy punctothy stockthy reuersethy distancethy
montant: Is he deadmy Ethiopian? Is he deadmy Francisco?
ha Bully? what saies my Esculapius? my Galien? my
heart of Elder? ha? is he dead bully-Stale? is he dead?

Cai. By garhe is de Coward-Iack-Priest of de vorld:
he is not show his face

Host. Thou art a Castalion-king-Vrinall: Hector of
Greece (my Boy)
Cai. I pray you beare witnessethat me haue stay
sixe or seuentwo tree howres for himand hee is nocome

Shal. He is the wiser man (M[aster]. Doctor) he is a curer of
soulesand you a curer of bodies: if you should fightyou
goe against the haire of your professions: is it not true
Master Page?

Page. Master Shallow; you haue your selfe beene a


great fighterthough now a man of peace

Shal. Body-kins M[aster]. Pagethough I now be oldand
of the peace; if I see a sword outmy finger itches to
make one: though wee are Iusticesand Doctorsand
Church-men (M[aster]. Page) wee haue some salt of our youth
in vswe are the sons of women (M[aster]. Page.)

Page. 'Tis trueMr. Shallow

Shal. It wil be found so(M[aster]. Page:) M[aster]. Doctor
Caius
I am come to fetch you home: I am sworn of the peace:
you haue show'd your selfe a wise Physicianand Sir
Hugh hath showne himselfe a wise and patient Churchman:
you must goe with meM[aster]. Doctor

Host. PardonGuest-Iustice; a Mounseur Mocke-water

Cai. Mock-vater? vat is dat?
Host. Mock-waterin our English tongueis Valour
(Bully.)

Cai. By garthen I haue as much Mock-vater as de
Englishman: scuruy-Iack-dog-Priest: by garmee vill
cut his eares

Host. He will Clapper-claw thee tightly (Bully.)
Cai. Clapper-de-claw? vat is dat?
Host. That ishe will make thee amends


Cai. By-garme doe looke hee shall clapper-de-claw
mefor by-garme vill haue it

Host. And I will prouoke him to'tor let him wag

Cai. Me tanck you for dat

Host. And moreouer(Bully) but firstMr. Ghuest
and M[aster]. Page& eeke Caualeiro Slendergoe you through
the Towne to Frogmore

Page. Sir Hugh is thereis he?
Host. He is theresee what humor he is in: and I will
bring the Doctor about by the Fields: will it doe well?
Shal. We will doe it

All. Adieugood M[aster]. Doctor

Cai. By-garme vill kill de Priestfor he speake for a
Iack-an-Ape to Anne Page

Host. Let him die: sheath thy impatience: throw cold
water on thy Choller: goe about the fields with mee
through FrogmoreI will bring thee where Mistris Anne
Page isat a Farm-house a Feasting: and thou shalt wooe
her: Cride-gamesaid I well?

Cai. By-garmee dancke you vor dat: by gar I loue
you: and I shall procure 'a you de good Guest: de Earle
de Knightde Lordsde Gentlemenmy patients

Host. For the whichI will be thy aduersary toward
Anne Page: said I well?
Cai. By-gar'tis good: vell said

Host. Let vs wag then


Cai. Come at my heelesIack Rugby.

Exeunt.

Actus Tertius. Scoena Prima.

Enter EuansSimplePageShallowSlenderHostCaiusRugby.

Euans. I pray you nowgood Master Slenders seruingman
and friend Simple by your name; which way haue
you look'd for Master Caiusthat calls himselfe Doctor
of Phisicke

Sim. Marry Sirthe pittie-wardthe Parke-ward:
euery way: olde Windsor wayand euery way but the
Towne-way

Euan. I most fehemently desire youyou will also
looke that way

Sim. I will sir

Euan. 'Plesse my soule: how full of Chollors I amand
trempling of minde: I shall be glad if he haue deceiued
me: how melancholies I am? I will knog his Vrinalls about
his knaues costardwhen I haue good oportunities
for the orke: 'Plesse my soule: To shallow Riuers to whose
falls: melodious Birds sings Madrigalls: There will we make
our Peds of Roses: and a thousand fragrant posies. To shallow:
'Mercie on meeI haue a great dispositions to cry.
Melodious birds sing Madrigalls: - When as I sat in Pabilon:
and a thousand vagram Posies. To shallow&c

Sim. Yonder he is commingthis waySir Hugh

Euan. Hee's welcome: To shallow Riuersto whose fals:
Heauen prosper the right: what weapons is he?

Sim. No weaponsSir: there comes my MasterMr.
Shallowand another Gentleman; from Frogmoreouer
the stilethis way

Euan. Pray you giue mee my gowneor else keepe it
in your armes

Shal. How now Master Parson? good morrow good
Sir Hugh: keepe a Gamester from the diceand a good
Studient from his bookeand it is wonderfull

Slen. Ah sweet Anne Page

Page. 'Saue yougood Sir Hugh

Euan. 'Plesse you from his mercy-sakeall of you

Shal. What? the Swordand the Word?
Doe you study them bothMr. Parson?
Page. And youthfull stillin your doublet and hose
this raw-rumaticke day?
Euan. There is reasonsand causes for it

Page. We are come to youto doe a good officeMr.
Parson


Euan. Fery-well: what is it?

Page. Yonder is a most reuerend Gentleman; who
(be-like) hauing receiued wrong by some personis at
most odds with his owne grauity and patiencethat euer
you saw

Shal. I haue liued foure-score yeeresand vpward: I
neuer heard a man of his placegrauityand learningso
wide of his owne respect

Euan. What is he?
Page. I thinke you know him: Mr. Doctor Caius the
renowned French Physician

Euan. Got's-willand his passion of my heart: I had
as lief you would tell me of a messe of porredge

Page. Why?

Euan. He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and

Galenand hee is a knaue besides: a cowardly knaueas
you would desires to be acquainted withall

Page. I warrant youhee's the man should fight with
him

Slen. O sweet Anne Page

Shal. It appeares so by his weapons: keepe them asunder:
here comes Doctor Caius

Page. Nay good Mr. Parsonkeepe in your weapon

Shal. So doe yougood Mr. Doctor

Host. Disarme themand let them question: let them
keepe their limbs wholeand hack our English

Cai. I pray you let-a-mee speake a word with your
eare; vherefore vill you not meet-a me?
Euan. Pray you vse your patience in good time

Cai. By-garyou are de Coward: de Iack dog: Iohn
Ape

Euan. Pray you let vs not be laughing-stocks to other
mens humors: I desire you in friendshipand I will one
way or other make you amends: I will knog your Vrinal
about your knaues Cogs-combe

Cai. Diable: Iack Rugby: mine Host de Iarteer: haue I
not stay for himto kill him? haue I not at de place I did
appoint?

Euan. As I am a Christians-soulenow looke you:
this is the place appointedIle bee iudgement by mine
Host of the Garter

Host. PeaceI sayGallia and GauleFrench & Welch
Soule-Curerand Body-Curer

Cai. Idat is very goodexcellant

Host. PeaceI say: heare mine Host of the Garter
Am I politicke? Am I subtle? Am I a Machiuell?


Shall I loose my Doctor? Nohee giues me the Potions
and the Motions. Shall I loose my Parson? my Priest?
my Sir Hugh? Nohe giues me the Prouerbesand the
No-verbes. Giue me thy hand (Celestiall) so: Boyes of
ArtI haue deceiu'd you both: I haue directed you to
wrong places: your hearts are mightyyour skinnes are
wholeand let burn'd Sacke be the issue: Comelay their
swords to pawne: Follow meLad of peacefollowfollow
follow

Shal. Trust mea mad Host: follow Gentlemenfollow

Slen. O sweet Anne Page

Cai. Ha' do I perceiue dat? Haue you make-a-de-sot
of vshaha?

Eua. This is wellhe has made vs his vlowting-stog:
I desire you that we may be friends: and let vs knog our
praines together to be reuenge on this same scall
scuruy-cogging-companion
the Host of the Garter

Cai. By garwith all my heart: he promise to bring
me where is Anne Page: by gar he deceiue me too

Euan. WellI will smite his noddles: pray you follow.

Scena Secunda.

Mist.PageRobinFordPageShallowSlenderHostEuans
Caius.

Mist.Page. Nay keepe your way (little Gallant) you
were wont to be a followerbut now you are a Leader:
whether had you rather lead mine eyesor eye your masters
heeles?

Rob. I had rather (forsooth) go before you like a man
then follow him like a dwarfe

M.Pa. O you are a flattering boynow I see you'l be a
(Courtier

Ford. Well met mistris Pagewhether go you

M.Pa. Truly Sirto see your wifeis she at home?

Ford. Iand as idle as she may hang together for want
of company: I thinke if your husbands were deadyou
two would marry

M.Pa. Be sure of thattwo other husbands

Ford. Where had you this pretty weather-cocke?
M.Pa. I cannot tell what (the dickens) his name is my
husband had him ofwhat do you cal your Knights name sirrah?
Rob. Sir Iohn Falstaffe

Ford. Sir Iohn Falstaffe

M.Pa. HeheI can neuer hit on's name; there is such a
league betweene my goodmanand he: is your Wife at home
indeed?

Ford. Indeed she is

M.Pa. By your leaue sirI am sicke till I see her


Ford. Has Page any braines? Hath he any eies? Hath he
any thinking? Sure they sleepehe hath no vse of them:
why this boy will carrie a letter twentie mile as easieas
a Canon will shoot point-blanke twelue score: hee peeces
out his wiues inclination: he giues her folly motion
and aduantage: and now she's going to my wife& Falstaffes
boy with her: A man may heare this showre sing
in the winde; and Falstaffes boy with her: good plots
they are laideand our reuolted wiues share damnation
together. WellI will take himthen torture my wife
plucke the borrowed vaile of modestie from the so-seeming
Mist[ris]. Pagedivulge Page himselfe for a secure and
wilfull Acteonand to these violent proceedings all my
neighbors shall cry aime. The clocke giues me my Qu
and my assurance bids me searchthere I shall finde Falstaffe:
I shall be rather praisd for thisthen mock'dfor
it is as possitiueas the earth is firmethat Falstaffe is
there: I will go

Shal. Page&c. Well met Mr Ford

Ford. Trust mea good knotte; I haue good cheere at
homeand I pray you all go with me

Shal. I must excuse my selfe Mr Ford

Slen. And so must I Sir
We haue appointed to dine with Mistris Anne
And I would not breake with her for more mony
Then Ile speake of

Shal. We haue linger'd about a match betweene An
Pageand my cozen Slenderand this day wee shall haue
our answer

Slen. I hope I haue your good will Father Page

Pag. You haue Mr SlenderI stand wholly for you
But my wife (Mr Doctor) is for you altogether

Cai. I be-garand de Maid is loue-a-me: my nursh-a-Quickly
tell me so mush

Host. What say you to yong Mr Fenton? He capers
he danceshe has eies of youth: he writes verseshee
speakes hollidayhe smels April and Mayhe wil carry't
he will carry't'tis in his buttonshe will carry't

Page. Not by my consent I promise you. The Gentleman
is of no hauinghee kept companie with the wilde
Princeand Pointz: he is of too high a Regionhe knows
too much: nohee shall not knit a knot in his fortunes
with the finger of my substance: if he take herlet him
take her simply: the wealth I haue waits on my consent
and my consent goes not that way

Ford. I beseech you heartilysome of you goe home
with me to dinner: besides your cheere you shall haue
sportI will shew you a monster: Mr Doctoryou shal
goso shall you Mr Pageand you Sir Hugh

Shal. Wellfare you well:
We shall haue the freer woing at Mr Pages


Cai. Go home Iohn RugbyI come anon

Host. Farewell my heartsI will to my honest Knight
Falstaffeand drinke Canarie with him

Ford. I thinke I shall drinke in Pipe-wine first with
himIle make him dance. Will you go Gentles?
All. Haue with youto see this Monster.

Scena Tertia.


Enter M.FordM.PageSeruantsRobinFalstaffeFordPage
Caius
Euans.


Mist.Ford. What Iohnwhat Robert

M.Page. Quicklyquickly: Is the Buck-basket -
Mis.Ford. I warrant. What Robin I say


Mis.Page. Comecomecome

Mist.Ford. Heereset it downe

M.Pag. Giue your men the chargewe must be briefe

M.Ford. Marrieas I told you before (Iohn & Robert)
be ready here hard-by in the Brew-house& when I sodainly
call youcome forthand (without any pauseor
staggering) take this basket on your shoulders: y done
trudge with it in all hastand carry it among the Whitsters
in Dotchet Meadand there empty it in the muddie
ditchclose by the Thames side

M.Page. You will do it?
M.Ford. I ha told them ouer and ouerthey lacke no direction.
Be goneand come when you are call'd

M.Page. Here comes little Robin

Mist.Ford. How now my Eyas-Musketwhat newes with you?
Rob. My M[aster]. Sir Iohn is come in at your backe doore
(Mist[ris]. Fordand requests your company

M.Page. You litle Iack-a-lenthaue you bin true to vs

Rob. IIle be sworne: my Master knowes not of your
being heere: and hath threatned to put me into euerlasting
libertyif I tell you of it: for he sweares he'll turne
me away

Mist.Pag. Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine
shall be a Tailor to theeand shal make thee a new doublet
and hose. Ile go hide me

Mi.Ford. Do so: go tell thy MasterI am alone: Mistris
Pageremember you your Qu

Mist.Pag. I warrant theeif I do not act ithisse me

Mist.Ford. Go-too then: we'l vse this vnwholsome
humiditythis grosse-watry Pumpion; we'll teach him


to know Turtles from Iayes

Fal. Haue I caught theemy heauenly Iewell? Why
now let me diefor I haue liu'd long enough: This is the
period of my ambition: O this blessed houre

Mist.Ford. O sweet Sir Iohn

Fal. Mistris FordI cannot cogI cannot prate (Mist[ris].
Ford) now shall I sin in my wish; I would thy Husband
were deadIle speake it before the best LordI would
make thee my Lady

Mist.Ford. I your Lady Sir Iohn? AlasI should bee a
pittifull Lady

Fal. Let the Court of France shew me such another:
I see how thine eye would emulate the Diamond: Thou
hast the right arched-beauty of the browthat becomes
the Ship-tyrethe Tyre-valiantor any Tire of Venetian
admittance

Mist.Ford. A plaine KerchiefeSir Iohn:
My browes become nothing elsenor that well neither

Fal. Thou art a tyrant to say so: thou wouldst make
an absolute Courtierand the firme fixture of thy foote
would giue an excellent motion to thy gatein a semicircled
Farthingale. I see what thou wert if Fortune thy
foewere not Nature thy friend: Comethou canst not
hide it

Mist.Ford. Beleeue mether's no such thing in me

Fal. What made me loue thee? Let that perswade
thee. Ther's something extraordinary in thee: ComeI
cannot cogand say thou art this and thatlike a-manie
of these lisping-hauthorne budsthat come like women
in mens apparrelland smell like Bucklers-berry in simple
time: I cannotbut I loue theenone but thee; and
thou deseru'st it

M.Ford. Do not betray me sirI fear you loue M[istris]. Page

Fal. Thou mightst as well sayI loue to walke by the
Counter-gatewhich is as hatefull to meas the reeke of
a Lime-kill

Mis.Ford. Wellheauen knowes how I loue you
And you shall one day finde it

Fal. Keepe in that mindeIle deserue it

Mist.Ford. NayI must tell youso you doe;
Or else I could not be in that minde

Rob. Mistris FordMistris Ford: heere's Mistris Page at
the dooresweatingand blowingand looking wildely
and would needs speake with you presently

Fal. She shall not see meI will ensconce mee behinde
the Arras

M.Ford. Pray you do soshe's a very tatling woman.


Whats the matter? How now?

Mist.Page. O mistris Ford what haue you done?
You'r sham'dy'are ouerthrowney'are vndone for euer

M.Ford. What's the mattergood mistris Page?
M.Page. O weladaymist[ris]. Fordhauing an honest man
to your husbandto giue him such cause of suspition

M.Ford. What cause of suspition?

M.Page. What cause of suspition? Out vpon you:
How am I mistooke in you?

M.Ford. Why (alas) what's the matter?

M.Page. Your husband's comming hether (Woman)
with all the Officers in Windsorto search for a Gentleman
that he sayes is heere now in the house; by your
consent to take an ill aduantage of his absence: you are
vndone

M.Ford. 'Tis not soI hope

M.Page. Pray heauen it be not sothat you haue such
a man heere: but 'tis most certaine your husband's comming
with halfe Windsor at his heelesto serch for such
a oneI come before to tell you: If you know your selfe
cleerewhy I am glad of it: but if you haue a friend here
conueyconuey him out. Be not amaz'dcall all your
senses to youdefend your reputationor bid farwell to
your good life for euer

M.Ford. What shall I do? There is a Gentleman my
deere friend: and I feare not mine owne shame so much
as his perill. I had rather then a thousand pound he were
out of the house

M.Page. For shameneuer stand (you had ratherand
you had rather:) your husband's heere at handbethinke
you of some conueyance: in the house you cannot hide
him. Ohhow haue you deceiu'd me? Lookeheere is a
basketif he be of any reasonable staturehe may creepe
in heereand throw fowle linnen vpon himas if it were
going to bucking: Or it is whiting timesend him by
your two men to Datchet-Meade

M.Ford. He's too big to go in there: what shall I do?
Fal. Let me see'tlet me see'tO let me see't:
Ile inIle in: Follow your friends counsellIle in

M.Page. What Sir Iohn Falstaffe? Are these your Letters
Knight?
Fal. I loue theehelpe mee away: let me creepe in
heere: ile neuer M.
Page. Helpe to couer your master (Boy:) Call
your men (Mist[ris]. Ford.) You dissembling Knight

M.Ford. What IohnRobertIohn; Gotake vp these
cloathes heerequickly: Wher's the Cowle-staffe? Look
how you drumble? Carry them to the Landresse in Datchet
mead: quicklycome

Ford. 'Pray you come nere: if I suspect without cause
Why then make sport at methen let me be your iest
I deserue it: How now? Whether beare you this?

Ser. To the Landresse forsooth?

M.Ford. Whywhat haue you to doe whether they


beare it? You were best meddle with buck-washing

Ford. Buck? I would I could wash my selfe of y Buck:
BuckebuckebuckeI bucke: I warrant you Bucke
And of the season too; it shall appeare.
GentlemenI haue dream'd to nightIle tell you my
dreame: heereheereheere bee my keyesascend my
Chamberssearchseekefinde out: Ile warrant wee'le
vnkennell the Fox. Let me stop this way first: sonow
vncape

Page. Good master Fordbe contented:
You wrong your selfe too much

Ford. True (master Page) vp Gentlemen
You shall see sport anon:
Follow me Gentlemen

Euans. This is fery fantasticall humors and iealousies

Caius. By gar'tis no-the fashion of France:
It is not iealous in France

Page. Nay follow him (Gentlemen) see the yssue of
his search

Mist.Page. Is there not a double excellency in this?
Mist.Ford. I know not which pleases me better
That my husband is deceiuedor Sir Iohn

Mist.Page. What a taking was hee inwhen your
husband askt who was in the basket?

Mist.Ford. I am halfe affraid he will haue neede of
washing: so throwing him into the waterwill doe him
a benefit

Mist.Page. Hang him dishonest rascall: I would all
of the same strainewere in the same distresse

Mist.Ford. I thinke my husband hath some speciall
suspition of Falstaffs being heere: for I neuer saw him so
grosse in his iealousie till now

Mist.Page. I will lay a plot to try thatand wee will
yet haue more trickes with Falstaffe: his dissolute disease
will scarse obey this medicine

Mis.Ford. Shall we send that foolishion CarionMist[ris].
Quickly to himand excuse his throwing into the water
and giue him another hopeto betray him to another
punishment?

Mist.Page. We will do it: let him be sent for to morrow
eight a clocke to haue amends

Ford. I cannot finde him: may be the knaue bragg'd
of that he could not compasse

Mis.Page. Heard you that?
Mis.Ford. You vse me wellM[aster]. Ford? Do you?
Ford. II do so


M.Ford. Heauen make you better then your thoghts
Ford. Amen



Mi.Page. You do your selfe mighty wrong (M[aster]. Ford)
Ford. II: I must beare it


Eu. If there be any pody in the house& in the chambers
and in the coffersand in the presses: heauen forgiue
my sins at the day of iudgement

Caius. Be garnor I too: there is no-bodies

Page. FyfyM[aster]. Fordare you not asham'd? What spirit
what diuell suggests this imagination? I wold not ha
your distemper in this kindfor y welth of Windsor castle

Ford. 'Tis my fault (M[aster]. Page) I suffer for it

Euans. You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is
as honest a o'mansas I will desires among fiue thousand
and fiue hundred too

Cai. By garI see 'tis an honest woman

Ford. WellI promisd you a dinner: comecomewalk
in the ParkeI pray you pardon me: I wil hereafter make
knowne to you why I haue done this. Come wifecome
Mi[stris]. PageI pray you pardon me. Pray hartly pardon me

Page. Let's go in Gentlemenbut (trust me) we'l mock
him: I doe inuite you to morrow morning to my house
to breakfast: after we'll a Birding togetherI haue a fine
Hawke for the bush. Shall it be so:

Ford. Any thing

Eu. If there is oneI shall make two in the Companie
Ca. If there be oneor twoI shall make-a-theturd


Ford. Pray you goM[aster]. Page

Eua. I pray you now remembrance to morrow on the
lowsie knauemine Host

Cai. Dat is good by garwithall my heart

Eua. A lowsie knaueto haue his gibesand his mockeries.

Exeunt.

Scoena Quarta.

Enter FentonAnnePageShallowSlenderQuicklyPage
Mist.Page.

Fen. I see I cannot get thy Fathers loue

Therefore no more turne me to him (sweet Nan.)
Anne. Alashow then?
Fen. Why thou must be thy selfe.

He doth obiectI am too great of birth
And that my state being gall'd with my expence
I seeke to heale it onely by his wealth.
Besides theseother barres he layes before me
My Riots pastmy wilde Societies
And tels me 'tis a thing impossible
I should loue theebut as a property



An. May be he tels you true.
Noheauen so speed me in my time to come
Albeit I will confessethy Fathers wealth
Was the first motiue that I woo'd thee (Anne:)
Yet wooing theeI found thee of more valew
Then stampes in Goldor summes in sealed bagges:
And 'tis the very riches of thy selfe
That now I ayme at

An. Gentle M[aster]. Fenton
Yet seeke my Fathers louestill seeke it sir
If opportunity and humblest suite
Cannot attaine itwhy then harke you hither

Shal. Breake their talke Mistris Quickly.
My Kinsman shall speake for himselfe

Slen. Ile make a shaft or a bolt on'tslidtis but venturing

Shal. Be not dismaid

Slen. Noshe shall not dismay me:
I care not for thatbut that I am affeard

Qui. Hark yeM[aster]. Slender would speak a word with you

An. I come to him. This is my Fathers choice:
O what a world of vilde ill-fauour'd faults
Lookes handsome in three hundred pounds a yeere?

Qui. And how do's good Master Fenton?
Pray you a word with you

Shal. Shee's comming; to her Coz:
O boythou hadst a father

Slen. I had a father (M[istris]. An) my vncle can tel you good
iests of him: pray you Vncletel Mist[ris]. Anne the iest how
my Father stole two Geese out of a Pengood Vnckle

Shal. Mistris Annemy Cozen loues you

Slen. I that I doas well as I loue any woman in Glocestershire

Shal. He will maintaine you like a Gentlewoman

Slen. I that I willcome cut and long-tailevnder the
degree of a Squire

Shal. He will make you a hundred and fiftie pounds
ioynture

Anne. Good Maister Shallow let him woo for himselfe

Shal. Marrie I thanke you for it: I thanke you for
that good comfort: she cals you (Coz) Ile leaue you

Anne. Now Master Slender

Slen. Now good Mistris Anne

Anne. What is your will?

Slen. My will? Odd's-hartlingsthat's a prettie
iest indeede: I ne're made my Will yet (I thanke Heauen:)
I am not such a sickely creatureI giue Heauen
praise


Anne. I meane (M[aster]. Slender) what wold you with me?

Slen. Truelyfor mine owne partI would little or
nothing with you: your father and my vncle hath made
motions: if it be my luckeso; if nothappy man bee his
dolethey can tell you how things gobetter then I can:
you may aske your fatherheere he comes

Page. Now Mr Slender; Loue him daughter Anne.
Why how now? What does Mr Fenten here?
You wrong me Sirthus still to haunt my house.
I told you Sirmy daughter is disposd of

Fen. Nay Mr Pagebe not impatient

Mist.Page. Good M[aster]. Fentoncome not to my child

Page. She is no match for you

Fen. Sirwill you heare me?

Page. Nogood M[aster]. Fenton.
Come M[aster]. Shallow: Come sonne Slenderin;
Knowing my mindeyou wrong me (M[aster]. Fenton.)

Qui. Speake to Mistris Page

Fen. Good Mist[ris]. Pagefor that I loue your daughter
In such a righteous fashion as I do
Perforceagainst all checkesrebukesand manners
I must aduance the colours of my loue
And not retire. Let me haue your good will

An. Good motherdo not marry me to yond foole

Mist.Page. I meane it notI seeke you a better husband

Qui. That's my masterM[aster]. Doctor

An. Alas I had rather be set quick i'th earth
And bowl'd to death with Turnips

Mist.Page. Cometrouble not your selfe good M[aster].
FentonI will not be your friendnor enemy:
My daughter will I question how she loues you
And as I finde herso am I affected:
Till thenfarewell Sirshe must needs go in
Her father will be angry

Fen. Farewell gentle Mistris: farewell Nan

Qui. This is my doing now: Naysaide Iwill you
cast away your childe on a Fooleand a Physitian:
Looke on M[aster]. Fentonthis is my doing

Fen. I thanke thee: and I pray thee once to night
Giue my sweet Nan this Ring: there's for thy paines

Qui. Now heauen send thee good fortunea kinde
heart he hath: a woman would run through fire & water
for such a kinde heart. But yetI would my Maister
had Mistris Anneor I would M[aster]. Slender had her: or (in
sooth) I would M[aster]. Fenton had her; I will do what I can
for them all threefor so I haue promisdand Ile bee as
good as my wordbut speciously for M[aster]. Fenton. WellI
must of another errand to Sir Iohn Falstaffe from my two


Mistresses: what a beast am I to slacke it.

Exeunt.

Scena Quinta.

Enter FalstaffeBardolfeQuicklyFord.

Fal. Bardolfe I say

Bar. Heere Sir

Fal. Gofetch me a quart of Sackeput a tost in't.
Haue I liu'd to be carried in a Basket like a barrow of
butchers Offall? and to be throwne in the Thames? Wel
if I be seru'd such another trickeIle haue my braines
'tane out and butter'dand giue them to a dogge for a
New-yeares gift. The rogues slighted me into the riuer
with as little remorseas they would haue drown'de a
blinde bitches Puppiesfifteene i'th litter: and you may
know by my sizethat I haue a kinde of alacrity in sinking:
if the bottome were as deepe as hellI shold down.
I had beene drown'dbut that the shore was sheluy and
shallow: a death that I abhorre: for the water swelles a
man; and what a thing should I haue beenewhen I
had beene swel'd? I should haue beene a Mountaine of
Mummie

Bar. Here's M[istris]. Quickly Sir to speake with you

Fal. Comelet me poure in some Sack to the Thames
water: for my bellies as cold as if I had swallow'd snowbals
for pilles to coole the reines. Call her in

Bar. Come in woman

Qui. By your leaue: I cry you mercy?
Giue your worship good morrow

Fal. Take away these Challices:
Gobrew me a pottle of Sacke finely

Bard. With EggesSir?
Fal. Simple of it selfe: Ile no Pullet-Spersme in my
brewage. How now?
Qui. Marry SirI come to your worship from M[istris]. Ford

Fal. Mist[ris]. Ford? I haue had Ford enough: I was thrown
into the Ford; I haue my belly full of Ford

Qui. Alas the day(good-heart) that was not her
fault: she do's so take on with her men; they mistooke
their erection

Fal. So did I mineto build vpon a foolish Womans promise

Qui. Wellshe laments Sir for itthat it would yern
your heart to see it: her husband goes this morning a
birding; she desires you once more to come to herbetweene
eight and nine: I must carry her word quickely
she'll make you amends I warrant you

Fal. WellI will visit hertell her so: and bidde her
thinke what a man is: Let her consider his frailetyand


then iudge of my merit

Qui. I will tell her

Fal. Do so. Betweene nine and ten saist thou?
Qui. Eight and nine Sir


Fal. Wellbe gone: I will not misse her

Qui. Peace be with you Sir

Fal. I meruaile I heare not of Mr Broome: he sent me
word to stay within: I like his money well.
Ohheere he comes

Ford. Blesse you Sir

Fal. Now M[aster]. Broomeyou come to know
What hath past betweene meand Fords wife

Ford. That indeed (Sir Iohn) is my businesse

Fal. M[aster]. Broome I will not lye to you
I was at her house the houre she appointed me

Ford. And sped you Sir?
Fal. Very ill-fauouredly M[aster]. Broome


Ford. How so sirdid she change her determination?

Fal. No (M[aster]. Broome) but the peaking Curnuto her husband
(M[aster]. Broome) dwelling in a continual larum of ielousie
coms me in the instant of our encounterafter we had
embrastkistprotested& (as it were) spoke the prologue
of our Comedy: and at his heelesa rabble of his companions
thither prouoked and instigated by his distemper
and (forsooth) to serch his house for his wiues Loue

Ford. What? While you were there?
Fal. While I was there


For. And did he search for you& could not find you?

Fal. You shall heare. As good lucke would haue it
comes in one Mist[ris]. Pagegiues intelligence of Fords approch:
and in her inuentionand Fords wiues distraction
they conuey'd me into a bucke-basket

Ford. A Buck-basket?

Fal. Yes: a Buck-basket: ram'd mee in with foule
Shirts and SmockesSocksfoule Stockingsgreasie
Napkinsthat (Master Broome) there was the rankest
compound of villanous smellthat euer offended nostrill

Ford. And how long lay you there?

Fal. Nayyou shall heare (Master Broome) what I
haue sufferdto bring this woman to euillfor your
good: Being thus cram'd in the Basketa couple of
Fords knaueshis Hindeswere cald forth by their Mistris
to carry mee in the name of foule Cloathes to
Datchet-lane: they tooke me on their shoulders: met
the iealous knaue their Master in the doore; who
ask'd them once or twice what they had in their Basket?
I quak'd for feare least the Lunatique Knaue
would haue search'd it: but Fate (ordaining he should
be a Cuckold) held his hand: wellon went heefor


a searchand away went I for foule Cloathes: But
marke the sequell (Master Broome) I suffered the pangs
of three seuerall deaths: Firstan intollerable fright
to be detected with a iealious rotten Bell-weather:
Next to be compass'd like a good Bilbo in the circumference
of a Peckehilt to pointheele to head. And
then to be stopt in like a strong distillation with stinking
Cloathesthat fretted in their owne grease:
thinke of thata man of my Kidney; thinke of that
that am as subiect to heate as butter; a man of continuall
dissolutionand thaw: it was a miracle to scape
suffocation. And in the height of this Bath (when I
was more then halfe stew'd in grease (like a Dutch-dish)
to be throwne into the Thamesand
cooldglowing-hotin that serge like a Horse-shoo;
thinke of that; hissing hot: thinke of that (Master
Broome.)

Ford. In good sadnesse SirI am sorrythat for my sake
you haue sufferd all this.
My suite then is desperate: You'll vndertake her no
more?

Fal. Master Broome: I will be throwne into Etna
as I haue beene into Thamesere I will leaue her thus;
her Husband is this morning gone a Birding: I
haue receiued from her another ambassie of meeting:
'twixt eight and nine is the houre (Master
Broome.)

Ford. 'Tis past eight already Sir

Fal. Is it? I will then addresse mee to my appointment:
Come to mee at your conuenient leisureand
you shall know how I speede: and the conclusion
shall be crowned with your enioying her: adiew: you
shall haue her (Master Broome) Master Broomeyou shall
cuckold Ford

Ford. Hum: ha? Is this a vision? Is this a dreame?
doe I sleepe? Master Ford awakeawake Master Ford:
ther's a hole made in your best coate (Master Ford:) this
'tis to be married; this 'tis to haue Lynnenand Buckbaskets:
WellI will proclaime my selfe what I am:
I will now take the Leacher: hee is at my house: hee
cannot scape me: 'tis impossible hee should: hee cannot
creepe into a halfe-penny pursenor into a PepperBoxe:
But least the Diuell that guides himshould
aide himI will search impossible places: though
what I amI cannot auoide; yet to be what I would
notshall not make me tame: If I haue hornesto make
one madlet the prouerbe goe with meIle be hornemad.

Exeunt.

Actus Quartus. Scoena Prima.

Enter Mistris PageQuicklyWilliamEuans.

Mist.Pag. Is he at M[aster]. Fords already think'st thou?

Qui. Sure he is by this; or will be presently; but
truely he is very couragious madabout his throwing
into the water. Mistris Ford desires you to come sodainely

Mist.Pag. Ile be with her by and by: Ile but bring
my yong-man here to Schoole: looke where his Master


comes; 'tis a playing day I see: how now Sir Hughno
Schoole to day?

Eua. No: Master Slender is let the Boyes leaue to play

Qui 'Blessing of his heart

Mist.Pag. Sir Hughmy husband saies my sonne profits
nothing in the world at his Booke: I pray you aske
him some questions in his Accidence

Eu. Come hither William; hold vp your head; come

Mist.Pag. Come-on Sirha; hold vp your head; answere
your Masterbe not afraid

Eua. Williamhow many Numbers is in Nownes?
Will. Two


Qui. TruelyI thought there had bin one Number
morebecause they say od's-Nownes

Eua. Peaceyour tatlings. What is (Faire) William?
Will. Pulcher


Qu. Powlcats? there are fairer things then Powlcats
sure

Eua. You are a very simplicity o'man: I pray you
peace. What is (Lapis) William?
Will. A Stone

Eua. And what is a Stone (William?)
Will. A Peeble


Eua. No; it is Lapis: I pray you remember in your
praine

Will. Lapis

Eua. That is a good William: what is he (William) that
do's lend Articles

Will. Articles are borrowed of the Pronoune; and be
thus declined. Singulariter nominatiuo hichaechoc

Eua. Nominatiuo highaghog: pray you marke: genitiuo
huius: Well: what is your Accusatiue-case?
Will. Accusatiuo hinc

Eua. I pray you haue your remembrance (childe) Accusatiuo
hinghanghog

Qu. Hang-hogis latten for BaconI warrant you

Eua. Leaue your prables (o'man) What is the Focatiue
case (William?)
Will. OVocatiuoO

Eua. Remember WilliamFocatiueis caret

Qu. And that's a good roote

Eua. O'manforbeare


Mist.Pag. Peace

Eua. What is your Genitiue case plurall (William?)
Will. Genitiue case?
Eua. I


Will. Genitiue horumharumhorum

Qu. 'Vengeance of Ginyes case; fie on her; neuer
name her (childe) if she be a whore

Eua. For shame o'man

Qu. You doe ill to teach the childe such words: hee
teaches him to hicand to hac; which they'll doe fast
enough of themseluesand to call horum; fie vpon you

Euans. O'manart thou Lunatics? Hast thou no vnderstandings
for thy Cases& the numbers of the Genders?
Thou art as foolish Christian creaturesas I would
desires

Mi.Page. Pre'thee hold thy peace

Eu. Shew me now (William) some declensions of your
Pronounes

Will. ForsoothI haue forgot

Eu. It is Quiquequod; if you forget your Quies
your Quesand your Quodsyou must be preeches: Goe
your waies and playgo

M.Pag. He is a better scholler then I thought he was

Eu. He is a good sprag-memory: Farewel Mis[tris]. Page

Mis.Page. Adieu good Sir Hugh:
Get you home boyCome we stay too long.

Exeunt.


Scena Secunda.


Enter FalstoffeMist.FordMist.PageSeruantsFordPageCaius
Euans
Shallow.


Fal. Mi[stris]. FordYour sorrow hath eaten vp my sufferance;
I see you are obsequious in your loueand I professe
requitall to a haires bredthnot onely Mist[ris]. Ford
in the simple office of louebut in all the accustrement
complementand ceremony of it: But are you sure of
your husband now?

Mis.Ford. Hee's a birding (sweet Sir Iohn.)
Mis.Page. What hoagossip Ford: what hoa


Mis.Ford. Step into th' chamberSir Iohn

Mis.Page. How now (sweete heart) whose at home
besides your selfe?
Mis.Ford. Why none but mine owne people


Mis.Page. Indeed?
Mis.Ford. No certainly: Speake louder


Mist.Pag. TrulyI am so glad you haue no body here

Mist.Ford. Why?

Mis.Page. Why womanyour husband is in his olde
lines againe: he so takes on yonder with my husbandso
railes against all married mankinde; so curses all Eues
daughtersof what complexion soeuer; and so buffettes
himselfe on the for-head: crying peere-outpeere-out
that any madnesse I euer yet beheldseem'd but tamenesse
ciuilityand patience to this his distemper he is in
now: I am glad the fat Knight is not heere

Mist.Ford. Whydo's he talke of him?

Mist.Page. Of none but himand sweares he was caried
out the last time hee search'd for himin a Basket:
Protests to my husband he is now heere& hath drawne
him and the rest of their company from their sportto
make another experiment of his suspition: But I am glad
the Knight is not heere; now he shall see his owne foolerie

Mist.Ford. How neere is he Mistris Page?
Mist.Pag. Hard byat street end; he wil be here anon


Mist.Ford. I am vndonethe Knight is heere

Mist.Page. Why then you are vtterly sham'd& hee's
but a dead man. What a woman are you? Away with
himaway with him: Better shamethen murther

Mist.Ford. Which way should he go? How should I
bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket againe?
Fal. NoIle come no more i'th Basket:
May I not go out ere he come?

Mist.Page. Alas: three of Mr. Fords brothers watch
the doore with Pistolsthat none shall issue out: otherwise
you might slip away ere hee came: But what make
you heere?

Fal. What shall I do? Ile creepe vp into the chimney

Mist.Ford. There they alwaies vse to discharge their
Birding-peeces: creepe into the Kill-hole

Fal. Where is it?

Mist.Ford. He will seeke there on my word: Neyther
PresseCofferChestTrunkeWellVaultbut he hath
an abstract for the remembrance of such placesand goes
to them by his Note: There is no hiding you in the
house

Fal. Ile go out then

Mist.Ford. If you goe out in your owne semblance
you die Sir Iohnvnlesse you go out disguis'd

Mist.Ford. How might we disguise him?

Mist.Page. Alas the day I know notthere is no womans
gowne bigge enough for him: otherwise he might
put on a hata mufflerand a kerchiefeand so escape

Fal. Good heartsdeuise something: any extremitie
rather then a mischiefe


Mist.Ford. My Maids Aunt the fat woman of Brainford
has a gowne aboue

Mist.Page. On my word it will serue him: shee's as
big as he is: and there's her thrum'd hatand her muffler
too: run vp Sir Iohn

Mist.Ford. Gogosweet Sir Iohn: Mistris Page and
I will looke some linnen for your head

Mist.Page. Quickequickewee'le come dresse you
straight: put on the gowne the while

Mist.Ford. I would my husband would meete him
in this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brainford;
he sweares she's a witchforbad her my houseand
hath threatned to beate her

Mist.Page. Heauen guide him to thy husbands cudgell:
and the diuell guide his cudgell afterwards

Mist.Ford. But is my husband comming?
Mist.Page. I in good sadnesse is heand talkes of the
basket toohowsoeuer he hath had intelligence

Mist.Ford. Wee'l try that: for Ile appoint my men to
carry the basket againeto meete him at the doore with
itas they did last time

Mist.Page. Naybut hee'l be heere presently: let's go
dresse him like the witch of Brainford

Mist.Ford. Ile first direct my menwhat they
shall doe with the basket: Goe vpIle bring linnen for
him straight

Mist.Page. Hang him dishonest Varlet
We cannot misuse enough:
We'll leaue a proofe by that which we will doo
Wiues may be merryand yet honest too:
We do not acte that ofteniestand laugh
'Tis oldbut trueStill Swine eats all the draugh

Mist.Ford. Go Sirstake the basket againe on your
shoulders: your Master is hard at doore: if hee bid you
set it downeobey him: quicklydispatch

1 Ser. Comecometake it vp

2 Ser. Pray heauen it be not full of Knight againe

1 Ser. I hope notI had liefe as beare so much lead

Ford. Ibut if it proue true (Mr. Page) haue you any
way then to vnfoole me againe. Set downe the basket
villaine: some body call my wife: Youth in a basket:
Oh you Panderly Rascalsthere's a knot: a gina packe
a conspiracie against me: Now shall the diuel be sham'd.
What wife I say: Comecome forth: behold what honest
cloathes you send forth to bleaching

Page. Whythis passes M[aster]. Ford: you are not to goe
loose any longeryou must be pinnion'd


Euans. Whythis is Lunaticks: this is maddeas a
mad dogge

Shall. Indeed M[aster]. Fordthis is not well indeed

Ford. So say I too Sircome hither Mistris FordMistris
Fordthe honest womanthe modest wifethe vertuous
creaturethat hath the iealious foole to her husband:
I suspect without cause (Mistris) do I?

Mist.Ford. Heauen be my witnesse you doeif you
suspect me in any dishonesty

Ford. Well said Brazon-facehold it out: Come forth
sirrah

Page. This passes

Mist.Ford. Are you not asham'dlet the cloths alone

Ford. I shall finde you anon

Eua. 'Tis vnreasonable; will you take vp your wiues
cloathes? Comeaway

Ford. Empty the basket I say

M.Ford. Why manwhy?

Ford. Master Pageas I am a manthere was one conuay'd
out of my house yesterday in this basket: why
may not he be there againein my house I am sure he is:
my Intelligence is truemy iealousie is reasonablepluck
me out all the linnen

Mist.Ford. If you find a man therehe shall dye a Fleas
death

Page. Heer's no man

Shal. By my fidelity this is not well Mr. Ford: This
wrongs you

Euans. Mr Fordyou must prayand not follow the
imaginations of your owne heart: this is iealousies

Ford. Wellhee's not heere I seeke for

Page. Nonor no where else but in your braine

Ford. Helpe to search my house this one time: if I find
not what I seekeshew no colour for my extremity: Let
me for euer be your Table-sport: Let them say of meas
iealous as Fordthat search'd a hollow Wall-nut for his
wiues Lemman. Satisfie me once moreonce more serch
with me

M.Ford. What hoa (Mistris Page) come you and
the old woman downe: my husband will come into the
Chamber

Ford. Old woman? what old womans that?
M.Ford. Why it is my maids Aunt of Brainford


Ford. A witcha Queanean olde couzening queane:


Haue I not forbid her my house. She comes of errands
do's she? We are simple menwee doe not know what's
brought to passe vnder the profession of Fortune-telling.
She workes by Charmesby Spelsby th' Figure& such
dawbry as this isbeyond our Element: wee know nothing.
Come downe you Witchyou Hagge youcome
downe I say

Mist.Ford. Naygood sweet husbandgood Gentlemen
let him strike the old woman

Mist.Page. Come mother PratCome giue me your
hand

Ford. Ile Prat-her: Out of my dooreyou Witch
you Raggeyou Baggageyou Poulcatyou Runnion
outout: Ile coniure youIle fortune-tell you

Mist.Page. Are you not asham'd?
I thinke you haue kill'd the poore woman

Mist.Ford. Nay he will do it'tis a goodly credite
for you

Ford. Hang her witch

Eua. By yeaand noI thinke the o'man is a witch indeede:
I like not when a o'man has a great peard; I spie
a great peard vnder his muffler

Ford. Will you follow GentlemenI beseech you follow:
see but the issue of my iealousie: If I cry out thus
vpon no traileneuer trust me when I open againe

Page. Let's obey his humour a little further:
Come Gentlemen

Mist.Page. Trust me he beate him most pittifully

Mist.Ford. Nay by th' Masse that he did not: he beate
him most vnpittifullyme thought

Mist.Page. Ile haue the cudgell hallow'dand hung
ore the Altarit hath done meritorious seruice

Mist.Ford. What thinke you? May we with the warrant
of woman-hoodand the witnesse of a good conscience
pursue him with any further reuenge?

M.Page. The spirit of wantonnesse is sure scar'd out
of himif the diuell haue him not in fee-simplewith
fine and recoueryhe will neuer (I thinke) in the way of
wasteattempt vs againe

Mist.Ford. Shall we tell our husbands how wee haue
seru'd him?

Mist.Page. Yesby all meanes: if it be but to scrape
the figures out of your husbands braines: if they can find
in their heartsthe poore vnuertuous fat Knight shall be
any further afflictedwee two will still bee the ministers

Mist.Ford. Ile warrantthey'l haue him publiquely
sham'dand me thinkes there would be no period to the
iestshould he not be publikely sham'd


Mist.Page. Cometo the Forge with itthen shape it:
I would not haue things coole.

Exeunt.

Scena Tertia.

Enter Host and Bardolfe.

Bar. Sirthe Germane desires to haue three of your
horses: the Duke himselfe will be to morrow at Court
and they are going to meet him

Host. What Duke should that be comes so secretly?
I heare not of him in the Court: let mee speake with the
Gentlementhey speake English?

Bar. I Sir? Ile call him to you

Host. They shall haue my horsesbut Ile make them
pay: Ile sauce themthey haue had my houses a week at
commaund: I haue turn'd away my other gueststhey
must come offIle sawce themcome.

Exeunt.

Scena Quarta.

Enter PageFordMistris PageMistris Fordand Euans.

Eua. 'Tis one of the best discretions of a o'man as euer
I did looke vpon

Page. And did he send you both these Letters at an
instant?
Mist.Page. Within a quarter of an houre

Ford. Pardon me (wife) henceforth do what y wilt:
I rather will suspect the Sunne with gold
Then thee with wantonnes: Now doth thy honor stand
(In him that was of late an Heretike)
As firme as faith

Page. 'Tis well'tis wellno more:
Be not as extreme in submissionas in offence
But let our plot go forward: Let our wiues
Yet once againe (to make vs publike sport)
Appoint a meeting with this old fat-fellow
Where we may take himand disgrace him for it

Ford. There is no better way then that they spoke of

Page. How? to send him word they'll meete him in
the Parke at midnight? Fiefiehe'll neuer come

Eu. You say he has bin throwne in the Riuers: and
has bin greeuously peatenas an old o'man: me-thinkes
there should be terrors in himthat he should not come:
Me-thinkes his flesh is punish'dhee shall haue no desires

Page. So thinke I too

M.Ford. Deuise but how you'l vse him whe[n] he comes
And let vs two deuise to bring him thether


Mis.Page. There is an old tale goesthat Herne the
Hunter (sometime a keeper heere in Windsor Forrest)
Doth all the winter timeat still midnight
Walke round about an Oakewith great rag'd-hornes
And there he blasts the treeand takes the cattle
And make milch-kine yeeld bloodand shakes a chaine
In a most hideous and dreadfull manner.
You haue heard of such a Spiritand well you know
The superstitious idle-headed-Eld
Receiu'dand did deliuer to our age
This tale of Herne the Hunterfor a truth

Page. Why yet there want not many that do feare
In deepe of night to walke by this Hernes Oake:
But what of this?

Mist.Ford. Marry this is our deuise
That Falstaffe at that Oake shall meete with vs

Page. Welllet it not be doubted but he'll come
And in this shapewhen you haue brought him thether
What shall be done with him? What is your plot?

Mist.Pa. That likewise haue we thoght vpon: & thus:
Nan Page (my daughter) and my little sonne
And three or foure more of their growthwee'l dresse
Like VrchinsOuphesand Fairiesgreene and white
With rounds of waxen Tapers on their heads
And rattles in their hands; vpon a sodaine
As Falstaffesheand Iare newly met
Let them from forth a saw-pit rush at once
With some diffused song: Vpon their sight
We twoin great amazednesse will flye:
Then let them all encircle him about
And Fairy-like to pinch the vncleane Knight;
And aske him why that houre of Fairy Reuell
In their so sacred patheshe dares to tread
In shape prophane

Ford. And till he tell the truth
Let the supposed Fairies pinch himsound
And burne him with their Tapers

Mist.Page. The truth being knowne
We'll all present our selues; dis-horne the spirit
And mocke him home to Windsor

Ford. The children must
Be practis'd well to thisor they'll neu'r doo't

Eua. I will teach the children their behauiours: and I
will be like a Iacke-an-Apes alsoto burne the Knight
with my Taber

Ford. That will be excellent
Ile go buy them vizards

Mist.Page. My Nan shall be the Queene of all the
Fairiesfinely attired in a robe of white

Page. That silke will I go buyand in that time
Shall M[aster]. Slender steale my Nan away
And marry her at Eaton: gosend to Falstaffe straight

Ford. NayIle to him againe in name of Broome
Hee'l tell me all his purpose: sure hee'l come


Mist.Page. Feare not you that: Go get vs properties
And tricking for our Fayries

Euans. Let vs about it
It is admirable pleasuresand ferry honest knaueries

Mis.Page. Go Mist[ris]. Ford
Send quickly to Sir Iohnto know his minde:
Ile to the Doctorhe hath my good will
And none but he to marry with Nan Page:
That Slender (though well landed) is an Ideot:
And hemy husband best of all affects:
The Doctor is well moniedand his friends
Potent at Court: henone but he shall haue her
Though twenty thousand worthier come to craue her.

Scena Quinta.

Enter HostSimpleFalstaffeBardolfeEuansCaiusQuickly.

Host. What wouldst thou haue? (Boore) what? (thick
skin) speakebreathediscusse: breefeshortquicke
snap

Simp. Marry SirI come to speake with Sir Iohn Falstaffe
from M[aster]. Slender

Host. There's his Chamberhis Househis Castle
his standing-bed and truckle-bed: 'tis painted about
with the story of the Prodigallfresh and new: goknock
and call: hee'l speake like an Anthropophaginian vnto
thee: Knocke I say

Simp. There's an olde womana fat woman gone vp
into his chamber: Ile be so bold as stay Sir till she come
downe: I come to speake with her indeed

Host. Ha? A fat woman? The Knight may be robb'd:
Ile call. Bully-KnightBully Sir Iohn: speake from thy
Lungs Military: Art thou there? It is thine Hostthine
Ephesian cals

Fal. How nowmine Host?

Host. Here's a Bohemian-Tartar taries the comming
downe of thy fat-woman: Let her descend (Bully) let
her descend: my Chambers are honourable: Fiepriuacy?
Fie

Fal. There was (mine Host) an old-fat-woman euen
now with mebut she's gone

Simp. Pray you Sirwas't not the Wise-woman of
Brainford?
Fal. I marry was it (Mussel-shell) what would you
with her?

Simp. My Master (Sir) my master Slendersent to her
seeing her go thorough the streetsto know (Sir) whether
one Nim (Sir) that beguil'd him of a chainehad the
chaineor no

Fal. I spake with the old woman about it

Sim. And what sayes sheI pray Sir?


Fal. Marry shee sayesthat the very same man that
beguil'd Master Slender of his Chainecozon'd him of it

Simp. I would I could haue spoken with the Woman
her selfeI had other things to haue spoken with her
toofrom him

Fal. What are they? let vs know

Host. I: come: quicke

Fal. I may not conceale them (Sir.)
Host. Conceale themor thou di'st


Sim. Why sirthey were nothing but about Mistris
Anne Pageto know if it were my Masters fortune to
haue heror no

Fal. 'Tis'tis his fortune

Sim. What Sir?
Fal. To haue heror no: goe; say the woman told
me so

Sim. May I be bold to say so Sir?
Fal. I Sir: like who more bold


Sim. I thanke your worship: I shall make my Master
glad with these tydings

Host. Thou art clearkly: thou art clearkly (Sir Iohn)
was there a wise woman with thee?

Fal. I that there was (mine Host) one that hath taught
me more witthen euer I learn'd before in my life: and
I paid nothing for it neitherbut was paid for my learning

Bar. Out alas (Sir) cozonage: meere cozonage

Host. Where be my horses? speake well of them varletto

Bar. Run away with the cozoners: for so soone as
I came beyond Eatonthey threw me offfrom behinde
one of themin a slough of myre; and set spurresand
away; like three Germane-diuels; three Doctor Faustasses

Host. They are gone but to meete the Duke (villaine)
doe not say they be fled: Germanes are honest men

Euan. Where is mine Host?

Host. What is the matter Sir?

Euan. Haue a care of your entertainments: there is a
friend of mine come to Townetels mee there is three
Cozen-Iermansthat has cozend all the Hosts of Reading
of Maidenhead; of Cole-brookeof horses and money: I
tell you for good will (looke you) you are wiseand full
of gibesand vlouting-stocks: and 'tis not conuenient
you should be cozoned. Fare you well

Cai. Ver' is mine Host de Iarteere?
Host. Here (Master Doctor) in perplexitieand doubtfull
delemma

Cai. I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a-medat
you make grand preparation for a Duke de Iamanie: by


my trot: der is no Duke that the Court is knowto
come: I tell you for good will: adieu

Host. Huy and cry(villaine) goe: assist me KnightI
am vndone: flyrun: huyand cry (villaine) I am vndone

Fal. I would all the world might be cozondfor I
haue beene cozond and beaten too: if it should come
to the eare of the Courthow I haue beene transformed;
and how my transformation hath beene washdand
cudgeldthey would melt mee out of my fat drop by
dropand liquor Fishermens-boots with me: I warrant
they would whip me with their fine witstill I were as
crest-falne as a dride-peare: I neuer prosper'dsince I
forswore my selfe at Primero: wellif my winde were
but long enough; I would repent: Now? Whence come
you?

Qui. From the two parties forsooth

Fal. The Diuell take one partieand his Dam the
other: and so they shall be both bestowed; I haue suffer'd
more for their sakes; more then the villanous inconstancy
of mans disposition is able to beare

Qui. And haue not they suffer'd? YesI warrant; speciously
one of them; Mistris Ford (good heart) is beaten
blacke and blewthat you cannot see a white spot about
her

Fal. What tell'st thou mee of blackeand blew? I
was beaten my selfe into all the colours of the Rainebow:
and I was like to be apprehended for the Witch
of Brainefordbut that my admirable dexteritie of wit
my counterfeiting the action of an old woman deliuer'd
methe knaue Constable had set me ith' Stocksith' common
Stocksfor a Witch

QuSir: let me speake with you in your Chamber
you shall heare how things goeand (I warrant) to your
content: here is a Letter will say somewhat: (good-hearts)
what adoe here is to bring you together? Sure
one of you do's not serue heauen wellthat you are so
cross'd

Fal. Come vp into my Chamber.

Exeunt.

Scena Sexta.

Enter FentonHost.

Host. Master Fentontalke not to meemy minde is
heauy: I will giue ouer all

Fen. Yet heare me speake: assist me in my purpose
And (as I am a gentleman) ile giue thee
A hundred pound in goldmore then your losse

Host. I will heare you (Master Fenton) and I will (at
the least) keepe your counsell

Fen. From time to timeI haue acquainted you


With the deare loue I beare to faire Anne Page
Whomutuallyhath answer'd my affection
(So farre forthas her selfe might be her chooser)
Euen to my wish; I haue a letter from her
Of such contentsas you will wonder at;
The mirth whereofso larded with my matter
That neither (singly) can be manifested
Without the shew of both: fat Falstaffe
Hath a great Scene; the image of the iest
Ile show you here at large (harke good mine Host:)
To night at Hernes-Okeiust 'twixt twelue and one
Must my sweet Nan present the Faerie-Queene:
The purpose whyis here: in which disguise
While other Iests are something ranke on foote
Her father hath commanded her to slip
Away with Slenderand with himat Eaton
Immediately to Marry: She hath consented: Now Sir
Her Mother(euen strong against that match
And firme for Doctor Caius) hath appointed
That he shall likewise shuffle her away
While other sports are tasking of their mindes
And at the Deanrywhere a Priest attends
Strait marry her: to this her Mothers plot
She seemingly obedient) likewise hath
Made promise to the Doctor: Nowthus it rests
Her Father meanes she shall be all in white;
And in that habitwhen Slender sees his time
To take her by the handand bid her goe
She shall goe with him: her Mother hath intended
(The better to deuote her to the Doctor;
For they must all be mask'dand vizarded)
That quaint in greeneshe shall be loose en-roab'd
With Ribonds-pendantflaring 'bout her head;
And when the Doctor spies his vantage ripe
To pinch her by the handand on that token
The maid hath giuen consent to go with him


Host. Which meanes she to deceiue? Fatheror Mother

Fen. Both (my good Host) to go along with me:
And heere it reststhat you'l procure the Vicar
To stay for me at Church'twixt twelueand one
And in the lawfull name of marrying
To giue our hearts vnited ceremony

Host. Wellhusband your deuice; Ile to the Vicar
Bring you the Maidyou shall not lacke a Priest

Fen. So shall I euermore be bound to thee;
BesidesIle make a present recompence.

Exeunt.

Actus Quintus. Scoena Prima.

Enter FalstoffeQuicklyand Ford.

Fal. Pre'thee no more pratling: goIle holdthis is
the third time: I hope good lucke lies in odde numbers:
Awaygothey say there is Diuinity in odde Numbers
either in natiuitychanceor death: away

Qui. Ile prouide you a chaineand Ile do what I can
to get you a paire of hornes


Fall. Away I saytime weareshold vp your head &
mince. How now M[aster]. Broome? Master Broomethe matter
will be knowne to nightor neuer. Bee you in the
Parke about midnightat Hernes-Oakeand you shall
see wonders

Ford. Went you not to her yesterday (Sir) as you told
me you had appointed?

Fal. I went to her (Master Broome) as you seelike a
poore-old-manbut I came from her (Master Broome)
like a poore-old-woman; that same knaue (Ford hir husband)
hath the finest mad diuell of iealousie in him (Master
Broome) that euer gouern'd Frensie. I will tell you
he beate me greeuouslyin the shape of a woman: (for in
the shape of Man (Master Broome) I feare not Goliath
with a Weauers beamebecause I know alsolife is a
Shuttle) I am in hastgo along with meeIle tell you all
(Master Broome:) since I pluckt Geeseplaide Trewant
and whipt TopI knew not what 'twas to be beatentill
lately. Follow meeIle tell you strange things of this
knaue Fordon whom to night I will be reuengedand I
will deliuer his wife into your hand. Followstraunge
things in hand (M[aster]. Broome) follow.

Exeunt.

Scena Secunda.

Enter PageShallowSlender.

Page. Comecome: wee'll couch i'th Castle-ditch
till we see the light of our Fairies. Remember son Slender
my

Slen. I forsoothI haue spoke with her& we haue
a nay-wordhow to know one another. I come to her
in whiteand cry Mum; she cries Budgetand by that
we know one another

Shal. That's good too: But what needes either your
Mumor her Budget? The white will decipher her well
enough. It hath strooke ten a' clocke

Page. The night is darkeLight and Spirits will become
it wel: Heauen prosper our sport. No man means
euill but the deuilland we shal know him by his hornes.
Lets away: follow me.

Exeunt.

Scena Tertia.

Enter Mist.PageMist.FordCaius.

Mist.Page. Mr Doctormy daughter is in greenwhen
you see your timetake her by the handaway with her
to the Deanerieand dispatch it quickly: go before into
the Parke: we two must go together

Cai. I know vat I haue to doadieu

Mist.Page. Fare you well (Sir:) my husband will not


reioyce so much at the abuse of Falstaffeas he will chafe
at the Doctors marrying my daughter: But 'tis no matter;
better a little chidingthen a great deale of heartbreake

Mist.Ford. Where is Nan now? and her troop of Fairies?
and the Welch-deuill Herne?

Mist.Page. They are all couch'd in a pit hard by Hernes
Oakewith obscur'd Lights; which at the very instant
of Falstaffes and our meetingthey will at once display to
the night

Mist.Ford. That cannot choose but amaze him

Mist.Page. If he be not amaz'd he will be mock'd: If
he be amaz'dhe will euery way be mock'd

Mist.Ford. Wee'll betray him finely

Mist.Page. Against such Lewdstersand their lechery
Those that betray themdo no treachery

Mist.Ford. The houre drawes-on: to the Oaketo the
Oake.

Exeunt.

Scena Quarta.

Enter Euans and Fairies.

Euans. Tribtrib Fairies: Comeand remember your
parts: be pold (I pray you) follow me into the pitand
when I giue the watch-'ordsdo as I pid you: Come
cometribtrib.

Exeunt.


Scena Quinta.


Enter FalstaffeMistris PageMistris FordEuansAnne Page
Fairies
PageFordQuicklySlenderFentonCaiusPistoll.


Fal. The Windsor-bell hath stroke twelue: the Minute
drawes-on: Now the hot-bloodied-Gods assist me:
Remember Iouethou was't a Bull for thy EuropaLoue
set on thy hornes. O powerfull Louethat in some respects
makes a Beast a Man: in som othera Man a beast.
You were also (Iupiter) a Swanfor the loue of Leda: O
omnipotent Louehow nere the God drew to the complexion
of a Goose: a fault done first in the forme of a
beast(O Iouea beastly fault:) and then another fault
in the semblance of a Fowlethinke on't (Ioue) a fowle-fault.
When Gods haue hot backeswhat shall poore
men do? For meI am heere a Windsor Staggeand the
fattest (I thinke) i'th Forrest. Send me a coole rut-time
(Ioue) or who can blame me to pisse my Tallow? Who
comes heere? my Doe?

M.Ford. Sir Iohn? Art thou there (my Deere?)
My male-Deere?

Fal. My Doewith the blacke Scut? Let the skie
raine Potatoes: let it thunderto the tune of Greenesleeues
haile-kissing Comfitsand snow Eringoes: Let


there come a tempest of prouocationI will shelter mee
heere

M.Ford. Mistris Page is come with me (sweet hart.)

Fal. Diuide me like a brib'd-Buckeeach a Haunch:
I will keepe my sides to my selfemy shoulders for the
fellow of this walke; and my hornes I bequeath your
husbands. Am I a Woodmanha? Speake I like Herne
the Hunter? Whynow is Cupid a child of conscience
he makes restitution. As I am a true spiritwelcome

M.Page. Alaswhat noise?
M.Ford. Heauen forgiue our sinnes


Fal. What should this be?
M.Ford. M.Page. Awayaway


Fal. I thinke the diuell wil not haue me damn'd
Least the oyle that's in me should set hell on fire;
He would neuer else crosse me thus.

Enter Fairies.

Qui. Fairies blackegraygreeneand white
You Moone-shine reuellersand shades of night.
You Orphan heires of fixed destiny
Attend your officeand your quality.
Crier Hob-goblynmake the Fairy Oyes

Pist. Elueslist your names: Silence you aiery toyes.
Cricketto Windsor-chimnies shalt thou leape;
Where fires thou find'st vnrak'dand hearths vnswept
There pinch the Maids as blew as Bill-berry
Our radiant Queenehates Slutsand Sluttery

Fal. They are Fairieshe that speaks to them shall die
Ile winkeand couch: No man their workes must eie

Eu. Wher's Bede? Go youand where you find a maid
That ere she sleepe has thrice her prayers said
Raise vp the Organs of her fantasie
Sleepe she as sound as carelesse infancie
But those as sleepeand thinke not on their sins
Pinch them armeslegsbackesshoulderssides& shins

Qu. Aboutabout:
Search Windsor Castle (Elues) withinand out.
Strew good lucke (Ouphes) on euery sacred roome
That it may stand till the perpetuall doome
In state as wholsomeas in state 'tis fit
Worthy the Ownerand the Owner it.
The seuerall Chaires of Orderlooke you scowre
With iuyce of Balme; and euery precious flowre
Each faire InstalmentCoateand seu'rall Crest
With loyall Blazoneuermore be blest.
And Nightly-meadow-Fairieslooke you sing
Like to the Garters-Compassein a ring
Th' expressure that it beares: Greene let it be
More fertile-fresh then all the Field to see:
AndHony Soit Qui Maly-Pencewrite
In Emrold-tuffesFlowres purpleblewand white
Like Saphire-pearleand rich embroiderie
Buckled below faire Knight-hoods bending knee;
Fairies vse Flowres for their characterie.


Awaydisperse: But till 'tis one a clocke
Our Dance of Customeround about the Oke
Of Herne the Hunterlet vs not forget

Euan. Pray you lock hand in hand: your selues in order set:
And twenty glow-wormes shall our Lanthornes bee
To guide our Measure round about the Tree.
But stayI smell a man of middle earth

Fal. Heauens defend me from that Welsh Fairy
Least he transforme me to a peece of Cheese

Pist. Vilde wormethou wast ore-look'd euen in thy
birth

Qu. With Triall-fire touch me his finger end:
If he be chastethe flame will backe descend
And turne him to no paine: but if he start
It is the flesh of a corrupted hart

Pist. A triallcome

Eua. Come: will this wood take fire?
Fal. Ohohoh


Qui. Corruptcorruptand tainted in desire.
About him (Fairies) sing a scornfull rime
And as you tripstill pinch him to your time.

The Song.


Fie on sinnefull phantasie: Fie on Lustand Luxurie:
Lust is but a bloudy firekindled with vnchaste desire
Fed in heart whose flames aspire
As thoughts do blow them higher and higher.
Pinch him (Fairies) mutually: Pinch him for his villanie.
Pinch himand burne himand turne him about
Till Candles& Star-light& Moone-shine be out


Page. Nay do not flyeI thinke we haue watcht you
now: Will none but Herne the Hunter serue your
turne?

M.Page. I pray you comehold vp the iest no higher.
Now (good Sir Iohn) how like you Windsor wiues?
See you these husband? Do not these faire yoakes
Become the Forrest better then the Towne?

Ford. Now Sirwhose a Cuckold now?
Mr BroomeFalstaffes a Knauea Cuckoldly knaue
Heere are his hornes Master Broome:
And Master Broomehe hath enioyed nothing of Fords
but his Buck-baskethis cudgelland twenty pounds of
moneywhich must be paid to Mr Broomehis horses are
arrested for itMr Broome

M.Ford. Sir Iohnwe haue had ill lucke: wee could
neuer meete: I will neuer take you for my Loue againe
but I will alwayes count you my Deere

Fal. I do begin to perceiue that I am made an Asse

Ford. Iand an Oxe too: both the proofes are extant

Fal. And these are not Fairies:
I was three or foure times in the thought they were not


Fairiesand yet the guiltinesse of my mindethe sodaine
surprize of my powersdroue the grossenesse of the foppery
into a receiu'd beleefein despight of the teeth of
all rime and reasonthat they were Fairies. See now
how wit may be made a Iacke-a-Lentwhen 'tis vpon ill
imployment

Euans. Sir Iohn Falstaffeserue Gotand leaue your
desiresand Fairies will not pinse you

Ford. Well said Fairy Hugh

Euans. And leaue you your iealouzies tooI pray
you

Ford. I will neuer mistrust my wife againetill thou
art able to woo her in good English

Fal. Haue I laid my braine in the Sunand dri'de it
that it wants matter to preuent so grosse ore-reaching as
this? Am I ridden with a Welch Goate too? Shal I haue
a Coxcombe of Frize? Tis time I were choak'd with a
peece of toasted Cheese

Eu. Seese is not good to giue putter; your belly is al
putter

Fal. Seeseand Putter? Haue I liu'd to stand at the
taunt of one that makes Fritters of English? This is enough
to be the decay of lust and late-walking through
the Realme

Mist.Page. Why Sir Iohndo you thinke though wee
would haue thrust vertue out of our hearts by the head
and shouldersand haue giuen our selues without scruple
to hellthat euer the deuill could haue made you our
delight?

Ford. Whata hodge-pudding? A bag of flax?
Mist.Page. A puft man?
Page. Oldcoldwither'dand of intollerable entrailes?
Ford. And one that is as slanderous as Sathan?
Page. And as poore as Iob?
Ford. And as wicked as his wife?
Euan. And giuen to Fornicationsand to Tauernes


and Sackeand Wineand Metheglinsand to drinkings
and swearingsand starings? Pribles and prables?

Fal. WellI am your Theame: you haue the start of
meI am deiected: I am not able to answer the Welch
FlannellIgnorance it selfe is a plummet ore mevse me
as you will

Ford. Marry Sirwee'l bring you to Windsor to one
Mr Broomethat you haue cozon'd of moneyto whom
you should haue bin a Pander: ouer and aboue that you
haue suffer'dI thinketo repay that money will be a biting
affliction

Page. Yet be cheerefull Knight: thou shalt eat a posset
to night at my housewher I will desire thee to laugh
at my wifethat now laughes at thee: Tell her Mr Slender
hath married her daughter

Mist.Page. Doctors doubt that;
If Anne Page be my daughtershe is (by this) Doctour


Caius wife

Slen. Whoa hoehoeFather Page

Page. Sonne? How now? How now Sonne
Haue you dispatch'd?
Slen. Dispatch'd? Ile make the best in Glostershire
know on't: would I were hang'd laelse

Page. Of what sonne?

Slen. I came yonder at Eaton to marry Mistris Anne
Pageand she's a great lubberly boy. If it had not bene
i'th ChurchI would haue swing'd himor hee should
haue swing'd me. If I did not thinke it had beene Anne
Pagewould I might neuer stirreand 'tis a Post-masters
Boy

Page. Vpon my life thenyou tooke the wrong

Slen. What neede you tell me that? I think sowhen
I tooke a Boy for a Girle: If I had bene married to him
(for all he was in womans apparrell) I would not haue
had him

Page. Why this is your owne folly
Did not I tell you how you should know my daughter
By her garments?

Slen. I went to her in greeneand cried Mumand
she cride budgetas Anne and I had appointedand yet
it was not Annebut a Post-masters boy

Mist.Page. Good George be not angryI knew of
your purpose: turn'd my daughter into whiteand indeede
she is now with the Doctor at the Deanrieand
there married

Cai. Ver is Mistris Page: by gar I am cozonedI ha
married oon Garsoona boy; oon pesantby gar. A boy
it is not An Pageby garI am cozened

M.Page. Why? did you take her in white?
Cai. I bee garand 'tis a boy: be garIle raise all
Windsor

Ford. This is strange: Who hath got the right Anne?
Page. My heart misgiues mehere comes Mr Fenton.

How now Mr Fenton?
Anne. Pardon good fathergood my mother pardon
Page. Now Mistris:

How chance you went not with Mr Slender?
M.Page. Why went you not with Mr Doctormaid?
Fen. You do amaze her: heare the truth of it

You would haue married her most shamefully
Where there was no proportion held in loue:
The truth isshe and I (long since contracted)
Are now so sure that nothing can dissolue vs:
Th' offence is holythat she hath committed
And this deceit looses the name of craft
Of disobedienceor vnduteous title
Since therein she doth euitate and shun
A thousand irreligious cursed houres
Which forced marriage would haue brought vpon her


Ford. Stand not amaz'dhere is no remedie:


In Louethe heauens themselues do guide the state
Money buyes Landsand wiues are sold by fate

Fal. I am gladthough you haue tane a special stand
to strike at methat your Arrow hath glanc'd

Page. Wellwhat remedy? Fentonheauen giue thee
ioywhat cannot be eschew'dmust be embrac'd

Fal. When night-dogges runall sorts of Deere are
chac'd

Mist.Page. WellI will muse no further: Mr Fenton
Heauen giue you manymany merry dayes:
Good husbandlet vs euery one go home
And laugh this sport ore by a Countrie fire
Sir Iohn and all

Ford. Let it be so (Sir Iohn:)
To Master Broomeyou yet shall hold your word
For heto nightshall lye with Mistris Ford:

Exeunt.

FINIS. THE Merry Wiues of Windsor.