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The Works of Henry Fielding

FieldingHenry .

INTRODUCTION

WHEN it was determined toextend the present edition of Fieldingnot merely by the addition of JonathanWild to the three universally popular novelsbut by two volumes ofMiscellaniesthere could be no doubt about at least one of the contents ofthese latter. The Journal of a Voyage to Lisbonif it does not rank inmy estimation anywhere near to Jonathan Wild as an example of ourauthor's geniusis an invaluable and delightful document for his character andmemory. It is indeedas has been pointed out in the General Introduction tothis seriesour main source of indisputable information as to Fielding dans sonnatureland its valueso far as it goesis of the very highest. The gentleand unaffected stoicism which the author displays under a disease which he knewwell was probablyif not certainlymortaland whichwhether mortal or notmust cause him much actual pain and discomfort of a kind more intolerable thanpain itself; his affectionate care for his family; even little personal touchesless admirablebut hardly less pleasant than theseshowing an Englishman'sdislike to be ``done'' and an Englishman's determination to be treated withproper respectare scarcely less noticeable and important on the biographicalside than the unimpaired brilliancy of

 

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his satiric and yet kindly observation of life and character is on the side ofliterature.

There isas is now well known since Mr.Dobson's separate edition of the Voyagea little bibliographical problemabout the first appearance of this Journal in 1755. The best known issueof that year is much shorter than the version inserted by Murphy and reprintedherethe passages omitted being chiefly those reflecting on the captainetc.and so likely to seem invidious in a book published just after the author'sdeathand for the benefitas was expressly announcedof his family. But thecurious thing is that there is another editionof date so early thatsome argument is necessary to determine the prioritywhich does give thesepassages and is identical with the later or standard version. For satisfactionon this pointhoweverI must refer readers to Mr. Dobson himself.

There might have been a littlebut not muchdoubt as to a companion piece for the Journal; for indeedafter we closethis (with or without its ``Fragment on Bolingbroke'')the remainder ofFielding's work lies on a distinctly lower level of interest. It is stillinterestingor it would not be given here. It still has -- at least that partwhich here appears seems to its editor to have -- interest intrinsic and``simple of itself.'' But it is impossible for anybody who speaks critically todeny that we now get into the region where work is more interesting because ofits authorship than it would be if its authorship were different or unknown. Toput the same thing in a sharper antithesis

 

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Fielding is interestingfirst of allbecause he is the author of JosephAndrewsof Tom Jonesof Ameliaof Jonathan Wildofthe Journal. His playshis essayshis miscellanies generally areinterestingfirst of allbecause they were written by Fielding.

Yet of these worksthe Journey from thisWorld to the Next (whichby a grim trick of fortunemight have served as atitle for the more interesting Voyage with which we have yoked it) standsclearly first both in scale and merit. It is indeed very unequaland as theauthor was to leave it unfinishedit is a pity that he did not leave itunfinished much sooner than he actually did. The first ten chaptersif of akind of satire which has now grown rather obsolete for the nonceare of a goodkind and good in their kind; the history of the metempsychoses of Julian is of aless good kindand less good in that kind. The date of composition of the pieceis not knownbut it appeared in the Miscellanies of 1743and mayrepresent almost any period of its author's development prior to that year. Itsform was a very common form at the timeand continued to be so. I do not knowthat it is necessary to assign any very special origin to itthough Lucianitschief practitionerwas evidently and almost avowedly a favorite study ofFielding's. The Spanish romancerswhether borrowing it from Lucian or nothadbeen fond of it; their French followersof whom the chief were Fontenelle andLe Sagehad carried it northwards; the English essayists had almost from thebeginning continued the process of acclimatization.

 

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Fielding therefore found it ready to his handthough the present condition ofthis example would lead us to suppose that he did not find his hand quite readyto it. Stillin the actual ``journey'' there are touches enough of the master-- not yet quite in his stage of mastery.

It seemed particularly desirable not to closethe series without some representation of the work to which Fielding gave theprime of his manhoodand from whichhad he notfortunately for Englishliteraturebeen driven decidedly against his willwe had had in allprobability no Joseph Andrewsand pretty certainly no Tom Jones.Fielding's periodical and dramatic work has been comparatively seldom reprintedand has never yet been reprinted as a whole. The dramas indeed are open to twoobjections -- the firstthat they are not very ``proper;'' the secondand muchmore seriousthat they do not redeem this want of propriety by the possessionof any remarkable literary merit. Three (or two and part of a third) seemed toescape this double censure -- the first two acts of the Author's Farce (practicallya piece to themselvesfor the Puppet Show which follows is almostentirely independent); the famous burlesque of Tom Thumbwhich standsbetween the Rehearsal and the Criticbut nearer to the former;and Pasquinthe maturest example of Fielding's satiric work in drama.These accordingly have been selected; the rest I have readand he who likes mayread. I have read many worse things than even the worst of thembut not often

 

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worse things by so good a writer as Henry Fielding.

The next question concerned the selection ofwritings more miscellaneous stillso as to give in little a complete idea ofFielding's various powers and experiments. Two difficulties beset this part ofthe task -- want of space and the absence of anything so markedly good asabsolutely to insist on inclusion. The Essay on Conversationhoweverseemed pretty peremptorily to challenge a place. It is in a style which Fieldingwas very slow to abandonwhich indeed has left strong traces even on his greatnovels; and if its mannerism is not now very attractivethe separate traits init are often sharp and well-drawn. The book would not have been complete withouta specimen or two of Fielding's journalism. The Championhis firstattempt of this kindhas not been drawn upon in consequence of the extremedifficulty of fixing with absolute certainty on Fielding's part in it. I do notknow whether political prejudice interferesmore than I have usually found itinterferewith my judgment of the two Hanoverian-partisan papers of the '45time. But they certainly seem to me to fail in redeeming their dose of rancorand misrepresentation by any sufficient evidence of genius such asto my tastesaves not only the party journalism in verse and prose of Swift and Canning andPraed on one sidebut that of Wolcot and Moore and Sydney Smith on the other.Even the often-quoted journal of events in London under the Chevalier isoverwrought and tedious.

 

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The best thing in the True Patriot seems to me to be Parson Adams' letterdescribing his adventure with a young ``bowe'' of his day; and this I selecttogether with one or two numbers of the Covent Garden Journal. I have notfound in this latter anything more characteristic than Murphy's selectionthough Mr. Dobsonwith his unfailing kindnesslent me an original andunusually complete set of the Journal itself.

It is to the same kindness that I owe theopportunity of presenting the reader with something indisputably Fielding's andvery characteristic of himwhich Murphy did not printand which has notsofar as I knowever appeared either in a collection or a selection of Fielding'swork. After the success of David SimpleFielding gave his sisterforwhom he had already written a preface to that novelanother preface for a setof Familiar Letters between the characters of David Simple andothers. This preface Murphy reprinted; but he either did not noticeor did notchoose to attend toa note towards the end of the book attributing certain ofthe letters to the author of the prefacethe attribution being accompanied byan agreeably warm and sisterly denunciation of those who ascribed to Fieldingmatter unworthy of him. From these the letter which I have chosendescribing arow on the Thamesseems to me not only characteristicbutlike all thismiscellaneous workinteresting no less for its weakness than for its strength.In hardly any other instance known to me can we trace so clearly the influenceof a suitable

 

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medium and form on the genius of the artist. There are some writers -- Dryden isperhaps the greatest of them -- to whom form and medium seem almost indifferenttheir all-round craftsmanship being such that they can turn any kind and everystyle to their purpose. There are othersof whom I think our present author isthe chiefwho are never really at home but in one kind. In Fielding's case thatkind was narrative of a peculiar sorthalf-sentimentalhalf-satiricalandalmost wholly sympathetic -- narrative which has the singular gift of portrayingthe liveliest character and yet of admitting the widest disgression andsoliloquy.

Until comparatively late in his too shortlifewhen he found this special path of his (and it is impossible to saywhether the actual finding was in the case of Jonathan or in the case of Joseph)he did but flounder and slip. When he had found itand was content to walk inithe strode with as sure and steady a step as any othereven the greatestofthose who carry and hand on the torch of literature through the ages. But it isimpossible to derive full satisfaction from his feats in this part of the racewithout some notion of his performances elsewhere; and I believe that such anotion will be supplied to the readers of his novels by the following volumesin a very large number of casesfor the first time.

A JOURNEY FROM
THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT
ETC.ETC.

INTRODUCTION

WHETHER the ensuing pages werereally the dream or vision of some very pious and holy person; or whether theywere really written in the other worldand sent back to thiswhich is theopinion of many (though I think too much inclining to superstition); or lastlywhetheras infinitely the greatest part imaginethey were really theproduction of some choice inhabitant of New Bethlehemis not necessary nor easyto determine. It will be abundantly sufficient if I give the reader an accountby what means they came into my possession.

Mr. Robert Powneystationerwho dwellsopposite to Catherine-street in the Stranda very honest man and of greatgravity of countenance; whoamong other excellent stationery commoditiesisparticularly eminent for his penswhich I am abundantly bound to acknowledgeas I owe to their peculiar goodness that my manuscripts have by any means beenlegible: this gentlemanI sayfurnished me some time since with a bundle ofthose penswrapped up with great care and cautionin a very large sheet ofpaper full of

 

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characterswritten as it seemed in a very bad hand. NowI have a surprisingcuriosity to read everything which is almost illegible; partly perhaps from thesweet remembrance of the dear ScrawlsSkrawlsor Skrales (for the word isvariously spelled)which I have in my youth received from that lovely part ofthe creation for which I have the tenderest regard; and partly from that temperof mind which makes men set an immense value on old manuscripts so effacedbustoes so maimedand pictures so black that no one can tell what to make ofthem. I therefore perused this sheet with wonderful applicationand in about aday's time discovered that I could not understand it. I immediately repaired toMr. Powneyand inquired very eagerly whether he had not more of the samemanuscript? He produced about one hundred pagesacquainting me that he hadsaved no more; but that the book was originally a huge foliohad been left inhis garret by a gentleman who lodged thereand who had left him no othersatisfaction for nine months' lodging. He proceeded to inform me that themanuscript had been hawked about (as he phrased it) among all the booksellerswho refused to meddle; some alleged that they could not readothers that theycould not understand it. Some would haze it to be an atheistical bookand somethat it was a libel on the government; for one or other of which reasons theyall refused to print it. That it had been likewise shown to the R -- l Societybut they shook their headssayingthere was nothing in it wonderful enough forthem.

 

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Thathearing the gentleman was gone to the West-Indiesand believing it to begood for nothing elsehe had used it as waste paper. He said I was welcome towhat remainedand he was heartily sorry for what was missingas I seemed toset some value on it.

I desired him much to name a price: but hewould receive no consideration farther than the payment of a small bill I owedhimwhich at that time he said he looked on as so much money given him.

I presently communicated this manuscript to myfriend parson Abraham Adamswhoafter a long and careful perusalreturned itme with his opinion that there was more in it than at first appeared; that theauthor seemed not entirely unacquainted with the writings of Plato; but hewished he had quoted him sometimes in his marginthat I might be sure (said he)he had read him in the original: for nothingcontinued the parsonis commonerthan for men now-a-days to pretend to have read Greek authorswho have met withthem only in translationsand cannot conjugate a verb in mi.

To deliver my own sentiments on the occasionI think the author discovers a philosophical turn of thinkingwith some littleknowledge of the worldand no very inadequate value of it. There are someindeed whofrom the vivacity of their temper and the happiness of theirstationare willing to consider its blessings as more substantialand thewhole to be a scene of more consequence than it is here represented: butwithout

 

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controverting their opinions at presentthe number of wise and good men whohave thought with our author are sufficient to keep him in countenance: nor canthis be attended with any ill inferencesince he everywhere teaches this moral:That the greatest and truest happiness which this world affordsis to be foundonly in the possession of goodness and virtue; a doctrine whichas it isundoubtedly trueso hath it so noble and practical a tendencythat it cannever be too often or too strongly inculcated on the minds of men.


 

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BOOK I

CHAPTER I

The author diesmeets withMercuryand is by him conducted to the stage which sets out for the otherworld.

ON the first day of December 17411I departed this life at my lodgings in Cheapside. My body had been some timedead before I was at liberty to quit itlest it should by any accident returnto life: this is an injunction imposed on all souls by the eternal law of fateto prevent the inconveniences which would follow. As soon as the destined periodwas expired (being no longer than till the body is become perfectly cold andstiff) I began to move; but found myself under a difficulty of making my escapefor the mouth or door was shutso that it was impossible for me to go out at it;and the windowsvulgarly called the eyeswere so closely pulled down by thefingers of a nursethat I could by no means open them. At last I perceived abeam of light glimmering at the top of the house (for such I may call the body Ihad been inclosed in)whither

 

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ascendingI gently let myself down through a kind of chimneyand issued out atthe nostrils.

No prisoner discharged from a longconfinement ever tasted the sweets of liberty with a more exquisite relish thanI enjoyed in this delivery from a dungeon wherein I had been detained upwards offorty yearsand with much the same kind of regard I cast my eyes2backwards upon it.

My friends and relations had all quitted theroombeing all (as I plainly overheard) very loudly quarreling below stairsabout my will; there was only an old woman left above to guard the bodyas Iapprehend. She was in a fast sleepoccasionedas from her savor it seemedbya comfortable dose of gin. I had no pleasure in this companyandthereforeasthe window was wide openI sallied forth into the open air: butto my greatastonishmentfound myself unable to flywhich I had always during myhabitation in the body conceived of spirits; howeverI came so lightly to theground that I did not hurt myself; andthough I had not the gift of flying (owingprobably to my having neither feathers nor wings)I was capable of hopping sucha prodigious way at oncethat it served my turn almost as well.

I had not hopped far before I perceived a tallyoung gentleman in a silk waistcoatwith a wing on his left heela garland onhis headand a caduceus

 

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in his right hand.
3I thought I had seen this person beforebut had not time to recollect wherewhen he called out to me and asked me how long I had been departed. I answered Iwas just come forth. ``You must not stay here'' replied he``unless you hadbeen murdered: in which caseindeedyou might have been suffered to walk sometime; but if you died a natural death you must set out for the other worldimmediately.'' I desired to know the way. ``O'' cried the gentleman``I willshow you to the inn whence the stage proceeds; for I am the porter. Perhaps younever heard of me -- my name is Mercury.'' ``Suresir'' said I``I have seenyou at the play-house.'' Upon which he smiledandwithout satisfying me as tothat pointwalked directly forwardbidding me hop after him. I obeyed himandsoon found myself in Warwick-lane; where Mercurymaking a full stoppointed ata particular housewhere he bade me enquire for the stageandwishing me agood journeytook his leavesaying he must go seek after other customers.

I arrived just as the coach was setting outand found I had no reason for inquiry; for every person seemed to know mybusiness the moment I appeared at the door: the coachman told me his horses weretobut that he had no place left; howeverthough there were already sixthepassengers

 

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offered to make room for me. I thanked themand ascended without much ceremony.We immediately began our journeybeing seven in number; foras the women woreno hoopsthree of them were but equal to two men.

Perhapsreaderthou mayest be pleased withan account of this whole equipageas peradventure thou wilt notwhile alivesee any such. The coach was made by an eminent toymanwho is well known to dealin immaterial substancethat being the matter of which it was compounded. Thework was so extremely finethat it was entirely invisible to the human eye. Thehorses which drew this extraordinary vehicle were all spiritualas well as thepassengers. They hadindeedall died in the service of a certain postmaster;and as for the coachmanwho was a very thin piece of immaterial substancehehad the honor while alive of driving the Great Peteror Peter the Greatinwhose service his soulas well as bodywas almost starved to death.

Such was the vehicle in which I set outandnowthose who are not willing to travel on with me mayif they pleasestophere; those who aremust proceed to the subsequent chaptersin which thisjourney is continued.



[1] Some doubt whether this should not be rather 1641which is a date moreagreeable to the account given of it in the introduction: but then there aresome passages which seem to relate to transactions infinitely latereven withinthis year or two. To say the truth there are difficulties attending eitherconjecture; so the reader may take which he pleases.

[2] Eyes are not perhaps so properly adapted to a spiritual substance; but weare hereas in many other placesobliged to use corporeal terms to makeourselves the better understood.

[3] This is the dress in which the god appears to mortals at the theaters. Oneof the offices attributed to this god by the ancientswas to collect the ghostsas a shepherd doth a flock of sheepand drive them with his wand into the otherworld.

 

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CHAPTER II

In which the author firstrefutes some idle opinions concerning spiritsand then the passengers relatetheir several deaths.

IT is the common opinion that spiritslikeowlscan see in the dark; nayand can then most easily be perceived by others.For which reasonmany persons of good understandingto prevent being terrifiedwith such objectsusually keep a candle burning by themthat the light mayprevent their seeing. Mr. Lockein direct opposition to thishath not doubtedto assert that you may see a spirit in open daylight full as well as in thedarkest night.

It was very dark when we set out fromthe innnor could we see any more than if every soul of us had been alive. Wehad traveled a good way before any one offered to open his mouth; indeedmostof the company were fast asleep4butas I could not close my own eyesand perceived the spirit who sat oppositeto me to be likewise awakeI began to make overtures of conversationbycomplaining how dark it was. ``And extremely cold too'' answered myfellow traveler; ``thoughI thank Godas I have no bodyI feel noinconvenience from it: but you will believesirthat this

 

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frosty air must seem very sharp to one just issued forth out of an oven; forsuch was the inflamed habitation I am lately departed from.'' ``How did you cometo your endsir?'' said I. ``I was murderedsir'' answered the gentleman. ``Iam surprised then'' replied I``that you did not divert yourself by walking upand down and playing some merry tricks with the murderer.'' ``Ohsir''returned he``I had not that privilegeI was lawfully put to death. In shorta physician set me on fireby giving me medicines to throw out my distemper. Idied of a hot regimenas they call itin the small-pox.''

One of the spirits at that word started up andcried out``The small-pox! bless me! I hope I am not in company with thatdistemperwhich I have all my life with such caution avoidedand have sohappily escaped hitherto!'' This fright set all the passengers who were awakeinto a loud laughter; and the gentlemanrecollecting himselfwith someconfusionand not without blushingasked pardoncrying``I protest I dreamedthat I was alive.'' ``Perhapssir'' said I``you died of that distemperwhich therefore made so strong an impression on you.'' ``Nosir'' answered he``I never had it in my life; but the continual and dreadful apprehension it keptme so long under cannotI seebe so immediately. eradicated. You must knowsirI avoided coming to London for thirty years togetherfor fear of thesmall-poxtill the most urgent business brought me thither about five days ago.I was so dreadfully afraid of this disease that I refused

 

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the second night of my arrival to sup with a friend whose wife had recovered ofit several months beforeand the same evening got a surfeit by eating too manymuscleswhich brought me into this good company.''

``I will lay a wager'' cried the spirit whosat next him``there is not one in the coach able to guess my distemper.'' Idesired the favor of him to acquaint us with itif it was so uncommon. ``Whysir'' said he``I died of honor.'' -- ``Of honorsir!'' repeated Iwith somesurprise. ``Yessir'' answered the spirit``of honorfor I was killed in aduel.''

``For my part'' said a fair spirit``I wasinoculated last summerand had the good fortune to escape with a very few markson my face. I esteemed myself now perfectly happyas I imagined I had norestraint to a full enjoyment of the diversions of the town; but within a fewdays after my coming up I caught cold by overdancing myself at a balland lastnight died of a violent fever.''

After a short silence which now ensuedthefair spirit who spoke lastit being now daylightaddressed herself to a femalewho sat next herand asked her to what chance they owed the happiness of hercompany. She answeredshe apprehended to a consumptionbut the physicians werenot agreed concerning her distemperfor she left two of them in a very hotdispute about it when she came out of her body. ``And praymadam'' said thesame spirit to the sixth passenger``How came you to leave the other world?''But that

 

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female spiritscrewing up her mouthansweredshe wondered at the curiosity ofsome people; that perhaps persons had already heard some reports of her deathwhich were far from being true; thatwhatever was the occasion of itshe wasglad at being delivered from a world in which she had no pleasureand wherethere was nothing but nonsense and impertinence; particularly among her own sexwhose loose conduct she had long been entirely ashamed of.

The beauteous spiritperceiving herquestion gave offensepursued it no farther. She had indeed all the sweetnessand good-humor which are so extremely amiable (when found) in that sex whichtenderness most exquisitely becomes. Her countenance displayed all thecheerfulnessthe good-natureand the modestywhich diffuse such brightnessround the beauty of Seraphina5awing every beholder with respectandat the same timeravishing him withadmiration. Had it not been indeed for our conversation on the small-poxIshould have imagined we had been honored with her identical presence. Thisopinion might have been heightened by the good sense she uttered whenever shespokeby the delicacy of her sentimentsand the complacence of her behaviortogether with a certain dignity which attended every lookwordand gesture;qualities which could not fail making an impression on a heart6so capable

 

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of receiving it as minenor was she long in raising in me a very violent degreeof seraphic love. I do not intend by thisthat sort of love which men are veryproperly said to make to women in the lower worldand which seldom lasts anylonger than while it is making. I mean by seraphic love an extreme delicacy andtenderness of friendshipof whichmy worthy readerif thou hast noconceptionas it is probable thou mayest notmy endeavor to instruct theewould be as fruitless as it would be to explain the most difficult problems ofSir Isaac Newton to one ignorant of vulgar arithmetic.

To return therefore to matters comprehensibleby all understandings: the discourse now turned on the vanityfollyand miseryof the lower worldfrom which every passenger in the coach expressed thehighest satisfaction in being delivered; though it was very remarkable thatnotwithstanding the joy we declared at our deaththere was not one of us whodid not mention the accident which occasioned it as a thing we would haveavoided if we could. Naythe very grave lady herselfwho was the forwardest intestifying her delightconfessed inadvertently that she left a physician by herbedside; and the gentleman who died of honor very liberally cursed both hisfolly and his fencing. While we were entertaining ourselves with these matterson a sudden a most offensive

 

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smell began to invade our nostrils. This very much resembled the savor whichtravelers in summer perceive at their approach to that beautiful village of theHaguearising from those delicious canals whichas they consist of standingwaterdo at that time emit odors greatly agreeable to a Dutch tastebut not sopleasant to any other. Those perfumeswith the assistance of a fair windbeginto affect persons of quick olfactory nerves at a league's distanceand increasegradually as you approach. In the same manner did the smell I have justmentionedmore and more invade ustill one of the spiritslooking out of thecoach-windowdeclared we were just arrived at a very large city; and indeed hehad scarce said so before we found ourselves in the suburbsandat the sametimethe coachmanbeing asked by anotherinformed us that the name of thisplace was the City of Diseases. The road to it was extremely smoothandexcepting the above-mentioned savordelightfully pleasant. The streets of thesuburbs were lined with bagniostavernsand cooks' shops: in the first we sawseveral beautiful womenbut in tawdry dresseslooking out at the windows; andin the latter were visibly exposed all kinds of the richest dainties; but on ourentering the city we foundcontrary to all we had seen in the other worldthatthe suburbs were infinitely pleasanter than the city itself. It was indeed avery dulldarkand melancholy place. Few people appeared in the streetsandthesefor the most partwere old womenand here and there a formal gravegentlemanwho seemed

 

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to be thinkingwith large tie-wigs onand amber-headed canes in their hands.We were all in hopes that our vehicle would not stop here; butto our sorrowthe coach soon drove into an innand we were obliged to alight.



[4] Those who have read of the gods sleeping in Homer will not be surprised atthis happening to spirits.

[5] A particular lady of quality is meant here; but every lady of qualityor noqualityare welcome to apply the character to themselves.

[6] We have before made an apology for this languagewhich we here repeat forthe last time; though the heart maywe hopebe metaphorically used here withmore propriety than when we apply those passions to the body which belong to thesoul.

 

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CHAPTER III

The adventures we met with inthe City of Diseases.

WE had not been long arrived in our innwhereit seems we were to spend the remainder of the daybefore our host acquaintedus that it was customary for all spiritsin their passage through that citytopay their respects to that lady Diseaseto whose assistance they had owed theirdeliverance from the lower world. We answered we should not fail in anycomplacence which was usual to others; upon which our host replied he wouldimmediately send porters to conduct us. He had not long quitted the room beforewe were attended by some of those grave persons whom I have before described inlarge tie-wigs with amber-headed canes. These gentlemen are the ticket-portersin the cityand their canes are the insigniaor ticketsdenoting theiroffice. We informed them of the several ladies to whom we were obligedand werepreparing to follow themwhen on a sudden they all stared at one anotherandleft us in a hurrywith a frown on every countenance. We were surprised at thisbehaviorand presently summoned the hostwho was no sooner acquainted with itthan he burst into an hearty laughand told us the reason wasbecause we didnot fee the gentlemen the moment they came inaccording to the custom

 

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of the place. We answeredwith some confusionwe had brought nothing with usfrom the other worldwhich we had been all our lives informed was not lawful todo. ``Nonomaster'' replied the host; ``I am apprised of thatand indeed itwas my fault. I should have first sent you to my lord Scrape
7who would have supplied you with what you want.'' ``My lord Scrape supply us!''said Iwith astonishment: ``sure you must know we cannot give him security; andI am convinced he never lent a shilling without it in his life.'' ``Nosir''answered the host``and for that reason he is obliged to do it herewhere heis sentenced to keep a bankand to distribute money gratis to all passengers.This bank originally consisted of just that sumwhich he had miserably hoardedup in the other worldand he is to perceive it decrease visibly one shillinga-daytill it is totally exhausted; after which he is to return to the otherworldand perform the part of a miser for seventy years; thenbeing purifiedin the body of a hoghe is to enter the human species againand take a secondtrial.'' ``Sir'' said I``you tell me wonders: but if his bank be to decreaseonly a shilling a dayhow can he furnish all passengers?'' ``The rest''answered the host``is supplied again; but in a manner which I cannot easilyexplain to you.'' ``I apprehend'' said I``this distribution of his money isinflicted on him as a punishment; but I do not see how it can answer

 

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that endwhen he knows it is to be restored to him again. Would it not servethe purpose as well if he parted only with the single shillingwhich it seemsis all he is really to lose?'' ``Sir'' cries the host``when you observe theagonies with which he parts with every guineayou will be of another opinion.No prisoner condemned to death ever begged so heartily for transportation as hewhen he received his sentencedid to go to hellprovided he might carry hismoney with him. But you will know more of these things when you arrive at theupper world; and nowif you pleaseI will attend you to my lord'swho isobliged to supply you with whatever you desire.''

We found his lordship sitting at the upper endof a tableon which was an immense sum of moneydisposed in several heapsevery one of which would have purchased the honor of some patriots and thechastity of some prudes. The moment he saw us he turned paleand sighedaswell apprehending our business. Mine host accosted him with a familiar airwhich at first surprised mewho so well remembered the respect I had formerlyseen paid this lord by men infinitely superior in quality to the person who nowsaluted him in the following manner: ``Hereyou lordand be dam -- d to yourlittle sneaking soultell out your moneyand supply your betters with whatthey want. Be quicksirrahor I'll fetch the beadle to you. Don't fancyyourself in the lower world againwith your privilege at your a -- .'' He thenshook a cane at his lordshipwho immediately began to tell out his moneywiththe same

 

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miserable air and face which the miser on our stage wears while he delivers hisbank-bills. This affected some of us so much that we had certainly returned withno more than what would have been sufficient to fee the portershad not ourhostperceiving our compassionbegged us not to spare a fellow whoin themidst of immense wealthhad always refused the least contribution to charity.Our hearts were hardened with this reflectionand we all filled our pocketswith his money. I remarked a poetical spiritin particularwho swore he wouldhave a hearty gripe at him: ``For'' says he``the rascal not only refused tosubscribe to my worksbut sent back my letter unansweredthough I am a bettergentleman than himself.''

We now returned from this miserable objectgreatly admiring the propriety as well as justice of his punishmentwhichconsistedas our host informed usmerely in the delivering forth his money;andhe observedwe could not wonder at the pain this gave himsince it was asreasonable that the bare parting with money should make him miserable as thatthe bare having money without using it should have made him happy.

Other tie-wig porters (for those we hadsummoned before refused to visit us again) now attended us; and we having fee'dthem the instant they entered the roomaccording to the instructions of ourhostthey bowed and smiledand offered to introduce us to whatever disease wepleased.

We set out several waysas we were all to payour respects to different ladies. I directed my

 

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porter to show me to the Fever on the Spiritsbeing the disease which haddelivered me from the flesh. My guide and I traversed many streetsand knockedat several doorsbut to no purpose. At onewe were toldlived theConsumption; at anotherthe Maladie Alamodea French lady; at the thirdtheDropsy; at the fourththe Rheumatism; at the fifthIntemperance; at the sixthMisfortune. I was tiredand had exhausted my patienceand almost my purse; forI gave my porter a new fee at every blunder he made: when my guidewith asolemn countenancetold me he could do no more; and marched off without anyfarther ceremony.

He was no sooner gone than I met anothergentleman with a ticketi. e.an amber-headed cane in his hand. I firstfee'd himand then acquainted him with the name of the disease. He cast himselffor two or three minutes into a thoughtful posturethen pulled a piece of paperout of his pocketon which he wrote something in one of the Oriental languagesI believefor I could not read a syllable: he bade me carry it to such aparticular shopandtelling me it would do my businesshe took his leave.

Secureas I now thought myselfof mydirectionI went to the shopwhich very much resembled an apothecary's. Theperson who officiatedhaving read the papertook down about twenty differentjarsandpouring something out of every one of themmade a mixturewhich hedelivered to me in a bottlehaving first tied a paper round the neck of itonwhich were written three or four

 

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wordsthe last containing eleven syllables. I mentioned the name of the diseaseI wanted to find outbut received no other answer than that he had done as hewas orderedand the drugs were excellent.

I began now to be enragedandquitting theshop with some anger in my countenanceI intended to find out my innbutmeeting in the way a porter whose countenance had in it something more pleasingthan ordinaryI resolved to try once moreand clapped a fee into his hand. Assoon as I mentioned the disease to him he laughed heartilyand told me I hadbeen imposed onfor in reality no such disease was to be found in that city. Hethen inquired into the particulars of my caseand was no sooner acquainted withthem than he informed me that the Maladie Alamode was the lady to whom I wasobliged. I thanked himand immediately went to pay my respects to her.

The houseor rather palaceof this lady wasone of the most beautiful and magnificent in the city. The avenue to it wasplanted with sycamore treeswith beds of flowers on each side; it was extremelypleasant but short. I was conducted through a magnificent halladorned withseveral statues and bustoesmost of them maimedwhence I concluded them all tobe true antiques; but was informed they were the figures of several modernheroeswho had died martyrs to her ladyship's cause. I next mounted through alarge painted staircasewhere several persons were depicted in caricatura; andupon inquirywas told they were the portraits of those who had distinguishedthemselves

 

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against the lady in the lower world. I suppose I should have known the faces ofmany physicians and surgeonshad they not been so violently distorted by thepainter. Indeedhe had exerted so much malice in his workthat I believe hehad himself received some particular favors from the lady of this mansion: it isdifficult to conceive a group of stranger figures. I then entered a long roomhung round with the pictures of women of such exact shapes and features that Ishould have thought myself in a gallery of beautieshad not a certain sallowpaleness in their complexions given me a more distasteful idea. Through this Iproceeded to a second apartmentadornedif I may so call itwith the figuresof old ladies. Upon my seeming to admire at this furniturethe servant told mewith a smile that these had been very good friends of his ladyand had done hereminent service in the lower world. I immediately recollected the faces of oneor two of my acquaintancewho had formerly kept bagnios; but was very muchsurprised to see the resemblance of a lady of great distinction in such company.The servantupon my mentioning thismade no other answer than that his ladyhad pictures of all degrees.

I was now introduced into the presence of thelady herself. She was a thinor rather meagerpersonvery wan in thecountenancehad no nose and many pimples in her face. She offered to rise at myentrancebut could not stand. After many complimentsmuch congratulation onher sideand the most fervent expressions of gratitude on mineshe asked memany questions concerning the situation

 

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of her affairs in the lower world; most of which I answered to her entiresatisfaction. At lastwith a kind of forced smileshe said``I suppose thepill and drop go on swimmingly?'' I told her they were reported to have donegreat cures. She replied she could apprehend no danger from any person who wasnot of regular practice; ``forhowever simple mankind are'' said she``orhowever afraid they are of deaththey prefer dying in a regular manner to beingcured by a nostrum.'' She then expressed great pleasure at the account I gaveher of the beau monde. She said she had herself removed the hundreds of Drury tothe hundreds of Charing-crossand was very much delighted to find they hadspread into St. James's; that she imputed this chiefly to several of her dearand worthy friendswho had lately published their excellent worksendeavoringto extirpate all notions of religion and virtue; and particularly to thedeserving author of the Bachelor's Estimate; ``to whom'' said she``if I hadnot reason to think he was a surgeonand had therefore written from mercenaryviewsI could never sufficiently own my obligations.'' She spoke likewisegreatly in approbation of the methodso generally used by parentsof marryingchildren very youngand without the least affection between the parties; andconcluded by saying thatif these fashions continued to spreadshe doubted notbut she should shortly be the only disease who would ever receive a visit fromany person of considerable rank.

While we were discoursing her three daughters

 

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entered the room. They were all called by hard names; the eldest was namedLeprathe second Chærasand the third Scorbutia.
8They were all genteelbut ugly. I could not help observing the little respectthey paid their parentwhich the old lady remarking in my countenanceas soonas they quitted the roomwhich soon happenedacquainted me with herunhappiness in her offspringevery one of which had the confidence to denythemselves to be her childrenthough she said she had been a very indulgentmother and had plentifully provided for them all. As family complaints generallyas much tire the hearer as they relieve him who makes themwhen I found herlaunching farther into this subject I resolved to put an end to my visitandtaking my leave with many thanks for the favor she had done meI returned tothe innwhere I found my fellow-travelers just mounting into their vehicle. Ishook hands with my host and accompanied them into the coachwhich immediatelyafter proceeded on its journey.



[7] That we may mention it once for allin the panegyrical part of this worksome particular person is always meant: butin the satiricalnobody.

[8] These ladiesI believeby their namespresided over the leprosyking's-eviland scurvy.

 

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CHAPTER IV

Discourses on the roadand adescription of the palace of Death.

WE were all silent for some minutestillbeing well shaken into our several seatsI opened my mouth firstand relatedwhat had happened to me after our separation in the city we had just left. Therest of the companyexcept the grave female spirit whom our reader may rememberto have refused giving an account of the distemper which occasioned herdissolutiondid the same. It might be tedious to relate these at large; weshall therefore only mention a very remarkable inveteracy which the Surfeitdeclared to all the other diseasesespecially to the Feverwhoshe saidbythe roguery of the portersreceived acknowledgments from numberless passengerswhich were due to herself. ``Indeed'' says she``those cane-headed fellows''(for so she called themalludingI supposeto their ticket) ``are constantlymaking such mistakes; there is no gratitude in those fellows; for I am sure theyhave greater obligations to me than to any other diseaseexcept the Vapors.''These relations were no sooner over than one of the company informed us we wereapproaching to the most noble building he had ever beheldand which we learnedfrom our coachman was the palace of Death. Its outside

 

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indeedappeared extremely magnificent. Its structure was of the Gothic order;vast beyond imaginationthe whole pile consisting of black marble. Rows ofimmense yews form an amphitheater round it of such height and thickness that noray of the sun ever perforates this grovewhere black eternal darkness wouldreign was it not excluded by innumerable lamps which are placed in pyramidsround the grove; so that the distant reflection they cast on the palacewhichis plentifully gilt with gold on the outsideis inconceivably solemn. To this Imay add the hollow murmur of winds constantly heard from the groveand the veryremote sound of roaring waters. Indeedevery circumstance seems to conspire tofill the mind with horror and consternation as we approach to this palacewhichwe had scarce time to admire before our vehicle stopped at the gateand we weredesired to alight in order to pay our respects to his most mortal majesty (thisbeing the title which it seems he assumes). The outward court was full ofsoldiersandindeedthe whole very much resembled the state of an earthlymonarchonly more magnificent. We passed through several courts into a vasthallwhich led to a spacious staircaseat the bottom of which stood two pageswith very grave countenanceswhom I recollected afterwards to have formerlybeen very eminent undertakersand were in reality the only dismal faces I sawhere; for this palaceso awful and tremendous withoutis all gay and sprightlywithin; so that we soon lost all those dismal and gloomy

 

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ideas we had contracted in approaching it. Indeedthe still silence maintainedamong the guards and attendants resembled rather the stately pomp of easterncourts; but there was on every face such symptoms of content and happiness thatdiffused an air of cheerfulness all round. We ascended the staircase and passedthrough many noble apartments whose walls were adorned with variousbattle-pieces in tapistryand which we spent some time in observing. Thesebrought to my mind those beautiful ones I had in my lifetime seen at Blenheimnor could I prevent my curiosity from inquiring where the Duke of Marlborough'svictories were placed (for I think they were almost the only battles of anyeminence I had read of which I did not meet with); when the skeleton of abeef-eatershaking his headtold me a certain gentlemanone Lewis XIVwhohad great interest with his most mortal majestyhad prevented any such frombeing hung up there. ``Besides'' says he``his majesty hath no great respectfor that dukefor he never sent him a subject he could keep from himnor didhe ever get a single subject by his means but he lost 1000 others for him.'' Wefound the presence-chamber at our entrance very fulland a buzz ran through itas in all assembliesbefore the principal figure enters; for his majesty wasnot yet come out. At the bottom of the room were two persons in closeconferenceone with a square black cap on his headand the other with a robeembroidered with flames of fire. TheseI was informedwere a judge long sincedeadand an inquisitor-general. I overheard them disputing

 

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with great eagerness whether the one had hanged or the other burned the most.While I was listening to this disputewhich seemed to be in no likelihood of aspeedy decisionthe emperor entered the room and placed himself between twofiguresone of which was remarkable for the roughnessand the other for thebeauty of his appearance. These wereit seemsCharles XII of Sweden andAlexander of Macedon. I was at too great a distance to hear any of theconversationso could only satisfy my curiosity by contemplating the severalpersonages presentof whose names I informed myself by a pagewho looked aspale and meager as any court-page in the other worldbut was somewhat moremodest. He showed me here two or three Turkish emperorsto whom his most mortalmajesty seemed to express much civility. Here were likewise several of the Romanemperorsamong whom none seemed so much caressed as Caligulaon accountasthe page told meof his pious wish that he could send all the Romans hither atone blow. The reader may be perhaps surprised that I saw no physicians here; asindeed I was myselftill informed that they were all departed to the city ofDiseaseswhere they were busy in an experiment to purge away the immortality ofthe soul.

It would be tedious to recollect the manyindividuals I saw herebut I cannot omit a fat figurewell dressed in theFrench fashionwho was received with extraordinary complacence by the emperorand whom I imagined to be Lewis XIV

 

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himself; but the page acquainted me he was a celebrated French cook.

We were at length introduced to the royalpresenceand had the honor to kiss hands. His majesty asked us a few questionsnot very material to relateand soon after retired.

When we returned into the yard we found ourcaravan ready to set outat which we all declared ourselves well pleased; forwe were sufficiently tired with the formality of a courtnotwithstanding itsoutward splendor and magnificence.


 

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CHAPTER V

The travelers proceed on theirjourneyand meet several spirits who are coming into the flesh.

WE now came to the banks of the great riverCocytuswhere we quitted our vehicleand passed the water in a boatafterwhich we were obliged to travel on foot the rest of our journey; and now we metfor the first timeseveral passengers traveling to the world we had leftwhoinformed us they were souls going into the flesh.

The two first we met were walking arm-in-armin very close and friendly conference; they informed us that one of them wasintended for a dukeand the other for a hackney-coachman. As we had not yetarrived at the place where we were to deposit our passionswe were allsurprised at the familiarity which subsisted between persons of such differentdegrees; nor could the grave lady help expressing her astonishment at it. Thefuture coachman then repliedwith a laughthat they had exchanged lots; forthat the duke had with his dukedom drawn a shrew for a wifeand the coachmanonly a single state.

As we proceeded on our journey we met a solemnspirit walking alone with great gravity in his countenance: our curiosityinvited usnotwithstanding his reserveto ask what lot he had drawn.

 

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He answeredwith a smilehe was to have the reputation of a wise man with£100000 in his pocketand was practicing the solemnity which he was to act inthe other world.

A little farther we met a company of verymerry spiritswhom we imagined by their mirth to have drawn some mighty lotbuton inquirythey informed us they were to be beggars.

The farther we advancedthe greater numberswe met; and now we discovered two large roads leading different waysand ofvery different appearance; the one all craggy with rocksfull as it seemed ofboggy groundsand everywhere beset with briarsso that it was impossible topass through it without the utmost danger and difficulty; the otherthe mostdelightful imaginableleading through the most verdant meadowspainted andperfumed with all kinds of beautiful flowers; in shortthe most wantonimagination could imagine nothing more lovely. Notwithstanding whichwe weresurprised to see great numbers crowding into the formerand only one or twosolitary spirits choosing the latter. On inquirywe were acquainted that thebad road was the way to greatnessand the other to goodness. When we expressedour surprise at the preference given to the former we were acquainted that itwas chosen for the sake of the music of drums and trumpetsand the perpetualacclamations of the mobwith which those who traveled this way were constantlysaluted. We were told likewise that there were several noble palaces to be seenand lodged inon this roadby those who had

 

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passed through the difficulties of it (which indeed many were not able tosurmount)and great quantities of all sorts of treasure to be found in it;whereas the other had little inviting more than the beauty of the wayscarce ahandsome buildingsave one greatly resembling a certain house by the Bathtobe seen during that whole journey; andlastlythat it was thought veryscandalous and mean-spirited to travel through thisand as highly honorable andnoble to pass by the other.

We now heard a violent noisewhencastingour eyes forwardswe perceived a vast number of spirits advancing in pursuit ofone whom they mocked and insulted with all kinds of scorn. I cannot give myreader a more adequate idea of this scene than by comparing it to an English mobconducting a pickpocket to the water; or by supposing that an incensed audienceat a playhouse had unhappily possessed themselves of the miserable damned poet.Some laughedsome hissedsome squalledsome groanedsome bawledsome spitat himsome threw dirt at him. It was impossible not to ask who or what thewretched spirit was whom they treated in this barbarous manner; whento ourgreat surprisewe were informed that it was a king: we were likewise told thatthis manner of behavior was usual among the spirits to those who drew the lotsof emperorskingsand other great mennot from envy or angerbut merederision and contempt of earthly grandeur; that nothing was more common than forthose who had drawn these great prizes (as to us they seemed) to exchange themwith tailors and cobblers; and

 

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that Alexander the Great and Diogenes had formerly done so; he that wasafterwards Diogenes having originally fallen on the lot of Alexander.

And nowon a suddenthe mockery ceasedandthe king-spirithaving obtained a hearingbegan to speak as follows; for wewere now near enough to hear him distinctly: --

``GENTLEMEN-- I am justly surprised at yourtreating me in this mannersince whatever lot I have drawnI did not choose:ifthereforeit be worthy of derisionyou should compassionate mefor itmight have fallen to any of your shares. I know in how low a light the stationto which fate hath assigned me is considered hereand thatwhen ambition dothnot support itit becomes generally so intolerablethat there is scarce anyother condition for which it is not gladly exchanged: for what portionin theworld to which we are goingis so miserable as that of care? Should I thereforeconsider myself as become by this lot essentially your superiorand of a higherorder of being than the rest of my fellow-creatures; should I foolishly imaginemyself without wisdom superior to the wisewithout knowledge to the learnedwithout courage to the braveand without goodness and virtue to the good andvirtuous; surely so preposterousso absurd a pridewould justly render me theobject of ridicule. But far be it from me to entertain it. And yetgentlemenIprize the lot I have drawnnor would I exchange it with any of yoursseeing itis in my eye so much greater than the rest. Ambitionwhich I own myselfpossessed ofteaches me this; ambitionwhich

 

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makes me covet praiseassures me that I shall enjoy a much larger proportion ofit than can fall within your power either to deserve or obtain. I am thensuperior to you allwhen I am able to do more goodand when I execute thatpower. What the father is to the sonthe guardian to the orphanor the patronto his clientthat am I to you. You are my childrento whom I will be afathera guardianand a patron. Not one evening in my long reign (for so it isto be) will I repose myself to rest without the gloriousthe heart-warmingconsiderationthat thousands that night owe their sweetest rest to me. What adelicious fortune is it to him whose strongest appetite is doing goodto haveevery day the opportunity and the power of satisfying it! If such a man hathambitionhow happy is it for him to be seated so on highthat every act blazesabroadand attracts to him praises tainted with neither sarcasm nor adulationbut such as the nicest and most delicate mind may relish! Thusthereforewhileyou derive your good from meI am your superior. If to my strict distributionof justice you owe the safety of your property from domestic enemies; if by myvigilance and valor you are protected from foreign foes; if by my encouragementof genuine industryevery scienceevery art which can embellish or sweetenlifeis produced and flourishes among you; will any of you be so insensible orungrateful as to deny praise and respect to him by whose care and conduct youenjoy these blessings? I wonder not at the censure which so frequently falls onthose in my station; but I wonder that those in my

 

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station so frequently deserve it. What strange perverseness of nature! Whatwanton delight in mischief must taint his compositionwho prefers dangersdifficultyand disgraceby doing evilto safetyeaseand honorby doinggood! who refuses happiness in the other worldand heaven in thisfor miserythere and hell here! Butbe assuredmy intentions are different. I shallalways endeavor the easethe happinessand the glory of my peoplebeingconfident thatby so doingI take the most certain method of procuring themall to myself.'' -- He then struck directly into the road of goodnessandreceived such a shout of applause as I never remember to have heard equaled.

He was gone a little way when a spirit limpedafter himswearing he would fetch him back. This spiritI was presentlyinformedwas one who had drawn the lot of his prime minister.


 

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CHAPTER VI

An account of the wheel offortunewith a method of preparing a spirit for this world.

WE now proceeded on our journeywithoutstaying to see whether he fulfilled his word or no; and without encounteringanything worth mentioningcame to the place where the spirits on their passageto the other world were obliged to decide by lot the station in which every onewas to act there. Here was a monstrous wheelinfinitely larger than those inwhich I had formerly seen lottery-tickets deposited. This was called the WHEELOF FORTUNE. The goddess herself was present. She was one of the most deformedfemales I ever beheld; nor could I help observing the frowns she expressed whenany beautiful spirit of her own sex passed by hernor the affability whichsmiled in her countenance on the approach of any handsome male spirits. Hence Iaccounted for the truth of an observation I had often made on earththatnothing is more fortunate than handsome mennor more unfortunate than handsomewomen. The reader may be perhaps pleased with an account of the whole method ofequipping a spirit for his entrance into the flesh.

Firstthenhe receives from a very sagepersonwhose look much resembled that of an apothecary

 

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(his warehouse likewise bearing an affinity to an apothecary's shop)a smallphial inscribedTHE PATHETIC POTIONto be taken just before you are born. Thispotion is a mixture of all the passionsbut in no exact proportionso thatsometimes one predominatesand sometimes another; nayoften in the hurry ofmaking upone particular ingredient isas we were informedleft out. Thespirit receiveth at the same time another medicine called the NOUSPHORICDECOCTIONof which he is to drink ad libitum. This decoction is an extract fromthe faculties of the mindsometimes extremely strong and spirituousandsometimes altogether as weak; for very little care is taken in the preparation.This decoction is so extremely bitter and unpleasantthatnotwithstanding itswholesomenessseveral spirits will not be persuaded to swallow a drop of itbut throw it awayor give it to any other who will receive it; by which meanssome who were not disgusted by the nauseousness drank double and trebleportions. I observed a beautiful young femalewhotasting it immediately fromcuriosityscrewed up her face and cast it from her with great disdainwhenceadvancing presently to the wheelshe drew a coronetwhich she clapped up soeagerly that I could not distinguish the degree; and indeed I observed severalof the same sexafter a very small sipthrow the bottles away.

As soon as the spirit is dismissed by theoperatoror apothecaryhe is at liberty to approach the wheelwhere he hath aright to extract a single lot: but those whom Fortune favors she permits

 

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sometimes secretly to draw three or four. I observed a comical kind of figurewho drew forth a handfulwhichwhen he openedwere a bishopa generalaprivy-counselora playerand a poet-laureateandreturning the three firsthe walked offsmilingwith the two last.

Every single lot contained two more articleswhich were generally disposed so as to render the lots as equal as possible toeach other; on one was writtenearlricheshealthdisquietude; onanothercoblersicknessgood-humor; on a thirdpoetcontemptself-satisfaction; on a fourthgeneralhonordiscontent; on afifthcottagehappy love; on a sixthcoach and siximpotentjealous husband; on a seventhprime ministerdisgrace; on aneighthpatriotglory; on a ninthphilosopherpovertyease; ona tenthmerchantrichescare. And indeed the whole seemed to containsuch a mixture of good and evilthat it would have puzzled me which to choose.I must not omit here that in every lot was directed whether the drawer shouldmarry or remain in celibacythe married lots being all marked with a large pairof horns.

We were obligedbefore we quitted this placeto take each of us an emetic from the apothecarywhich immediately purged us ofall our earthly passionsand presently the cloud forsook our eyesas it doththose of Æneas in Virgilwhen removed by Venus; and we discerned things in amuch clearer light than before. We began to compassionate those spirits who weremaking their entry into the fleshwhom we had till then secretly enviedand tolong eagerly for those delightful

 

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plains which now opened themselves to our eyesand to which we now hastenedwith the utmost eagerness. On our way we met with several spirits with verydejected countenances; but our expedition would not suffer us to ask anyquestions.

At length we arrived at the gate of Elysium.Here was a prodigious crowd of spirits waiting for admittancesome of whom wereadmittedand some were rejected; for all were strictly examined by the porterwhom I soon discovered to be the celebrated judge Minos.


 

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CHAPTER VII

The proceedings of judge Minosat the gate of Elysium.

I NOW got near enough to the gate to hear theseveral claims of those who endeavored to pass. The first among otherpretensionsset forth that he had been very liberal to an hospital; but Minosanswered``Ostentation'' and repulsed him. The second exhibited that he hadconstantly frequented his churchbeen a rigid observer of fast-days: helikewise represented the great animosity he had shown to vice in otherswhichnever escaped his severest censure; and as to his own behaviorhe had neverbeen once guilty of whoringdrinkinggluttonyor any other excess. He said hehad disinherited his son for getting a bastard. ``Have you so?'' said Minos;``then pray return into the other world and beget another; for such an unnaturalrascal shall never pass this gate.'' A dozen otherswho had advanced with veryconfident countenancesseeing him rejectedturned about of their own accorddeclaringif he could not passthey had no expectationand accordingly theyfollowed him back to earth; which was the fate of all who were repulsedtheybeing obliged to take a further purificationunless those who were guilty ofsome very heinous crimeswho were hustled in at a little back

 

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gatewhence they tumbled immediately into the bottomless pit.

The next spirit that came up declared he haddone neither good nor evil in the world; for that since his arrival at man'sestate he had spent his whole time in search of curiosities; and particularly inthe study of butterfliesof which he had collected an immense number. Minosmade him no answerbut with great scorn pushed him back.

There now advanced a very beautiful spiritindeed. She began to ogle Minos the moment she saw him. She said she hoped therewas some merit in refusing a great number of loversand dying a maidthoughshe had had the choice of a hundred. Minos told her she had not refused enowyetand turned her back.

She was succeeded by a spirit who told thejudge he believed his works would speak for him. ``What works?'' answered Minos.``My dramatic works'' replied the other``which have done so much good inrecommending virtue and punishing vice.'' ``Very well'' said the judge; ``ifyou please to stand bythe first person who passes the gate by your means shallcarry you in with him; butif you will take my adviceI thinkfor expeditionsakeyou had better returnand live another life upon earth.'' The bardgrumbled at thisand replied thatbesides his poetical workshe had done someother good things: for that he had once lent the whole profits of abenefit-night to a friendand by that means had saved him and his family fromdestruction. Upon this the gate flew open

 

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and Minos desired him to walk intelling himif he had mentioned this atfirsthe might have spared the remembrance of his plays. The poet answeredhebelievedif Minos had read his workshe would set a higher value on them. Hewas then beginning to repeatbut Minos pushed him forwardandturning hisback to himapplied himself to the next passengera very genteel spiritwhomade a very low bow to Minosand then threw himself into an erect attitudeandimitated the motion of taking snuff with his right hand. Minos asked him what hehad to say for himself. He answeredhe would dance a minuet with any spirit inElysium: that he could likewise perform all his other exercises very wellandhoped he had in his life deserved the character of a perfect fine gentleman.Minos replied it would be great pity to rob the world of so fine a gentlemanand therefore desired him to take the other trip. The beau bowedthanked thejudgeand said he desired no better. Several spirits expressed muchastonishment at this his satisfaction; but we were afterwards informed he hadnot taken the emetic above mentioned.

A miserable old spirit now crawled forwardswhose face I thought I had formerly seen near Westminster Abbey. He entertainedMinos with a long harangue of what he had done when in the HOUSE; and thenproceeded to inform him how much he was worthwithout attempting to produce asingle instance of any one good action. Minos stopped the career of hisdiscourseand acquainted him he must take a trip back again.

 

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``What! to S -- -- house?'' said the spirit in an ecstasy; but the judgewithout making him any answerturned to anotherwho with a very solemn air andgreat dignityacquainted him he was a duke. ``To the right-aboutMr. Duke''cried Minos``you are infinitely too great a man for Elysium;'' and thengiving him a kick on the b -- chhe addressed himself to a spirit whowithfear and tremblingbegged he might not go to the bottomless pit: he said hehoped Minos would consider thatthough he had gone astrayhe had suffered forit -- that it was necessity which drove him to the robbery of eighteenpencewhich he had committedand for which he was hanged -- that he had done somegood actions in his life -- that he had supported an aged parent with his labor-- that he had been a very tender husband and a kind father -- and that he hadruined himself by being bail for his friend. At which words the gate openedandMinos bade him entergiving him a slap on the back as he passed by him.

A great number of spirits now came forwardswho all declared they had the same claimand that the captain should speak forthem. He acquainted the judge that they had been all slain in the service oftheir country. Minos was going to admit thembut had the curiosity to ask whohad been the invaderin orderas he saidto prepare the back gate for him.The captain answered they had been the invaders themselves -- that they hadentered the enemy's countryand burned and plundered several cities. ``And forwhat reason?'' said Minos. ``By the command of him who paid

 

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us'' said the captain; ``that is the reason of a soldier. We are to executewhatever we are commandedor we should be a disgrace to the armyand verylittle deserve our pay.'' ``You are brave fellows indeed'' said Minos; ``but bepleased to face aboutand obey my command for oncein returning back to theother world: for what should such fellows as you do where there are no cities tobe burnednor people to be destroyed? But let me advise you to have a stricterregard to truth for the futureand not call the depopulating other countriesthe service of your own.'' The captain answeredin a rage``D -- n me! do yougive me the lie?'' and was going to take Minos by the nose had not his guardsprevented himand immediately turned him and all his followers back the sameroad they came.

Four spirits informed the judge that they hadbeen starved to death through poverty -- being the fathermotherand twochildren; that they had been honest and as industrious as possibletillsickness had prevented the man from labor. ``All that is very true'' cried agrave spirit who stood by. ``I know the fact; for these poor people were undermy cure.'' ``You wasI supposethe parson of the parish'' cries Minos; ``Ihope you had a good livingsir.'' ``That was but a small one'' replied thespirit; ``but I had another a little better.'' -- ``Very well'' said Minos;``let the poor people pass.'' At which the parson was stepping forwards with astately gait before them; but Minos caught hold of him and pulled him backsaying``Not so fastdoctor -- you must take one

 

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step more into the other world first; for no man enters that gate withoutcharity.''

A very stately figure now presented himselfandinforming Minos he was a patriotbegan a very florid harangue on publicvirtue and the liberties of his country. Upon which Minos showed him the utmostrespectand ordered the gate to be opened. The patriot was not contented withthis applause; he said he had behaved as well in place as he had done in theopposition; and thatthough he was now obliged to embrace the court measuresyet he had behaved very honestly to his friendsand brought as many in as waspossible. ``Hold a moment'' says Minos: ``on second considerationMr. PatriotI think a man of your great virtue and abilities will be so much missed by yourcountrythatif I might advise youyou should take a journey back again. I amsure you will not decline it; for I am certain you willwith great readinesssacrifice your own happiness to the public good.'' The patriot smiledand toldMinos he believed he was in jest; and was offering to enter the gatebut thejudge laid fast hold of him and insisted on his returnwhich the patriot stilldeclininghe at last ordered his guards to seize him and conduct him back.

A spirit now advancedand the gate wasimmediately thrown open to him before he had spoken a word. I heard somewhisper``That is our last lord mayor.''

It now came to our company's turn. The fairspirit which I mentioned with so much applause in the beginning of my journeypassed through very

 

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easily; but the grave lady was rejected on her first appearanceMinos declaringthere was not a single prude in Elysium.

The judge then addressed himself to mewholittle expected to pass this fiery trial. I confessed I had indulged myself veryfreely with wine and women in my youthbut had never done an injury to any manlivingnor avoided an opportunity of doing good; that I pretended to verylittle virtue more than general philanthrophy and private friendship. I wasproceedingwhen Minos bade me enter the gateand not indulge myself withtrumpeting forth my virtues. I accordingly passed forward with my lovelycompanionandembracing her with vast eagernessbut spiritual innocenceshereturned my embrace in the same mannerand we both congratulated ourselves onour arrival in this happy regionwhose beauty no painting of the imaginationcan describe.


 

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CHAPTER VIII

The adventures which the authormet on his first entrance into Elysium.

WE pursued our way through a delicious groveof orange-treeswhere I saw infinite numbers of spiritsevery one of whom Iknewand was known by them (for spirits here know one another by intuition). Ipresently met a little daughter whom I had lost several years before. Good gods!what words can describe the rapturesthe melting passionate tendernesswithwhich we kissed each othercontinuing in our embracewith the most ecstaticjoya space whichif time had been measured here as on earthcould not beless than half a year.

The first spirit with whom I entered intodiscourse was the famous Leonidas of Sparta. I acquainted him with the honorswhich had been done him by a celebrated poet of our nation; to which he answeredhe was very much obliged to him.

We were presently afterwards entertained withthe most delicious voice I had ever heardaccompanied by a violinequal toSignior Piantinida. I presently discovered the musician and songster to beOrpheus and Sappho.

Old Homer was present at this concert (if Imay so call it)and Madam Dacier sat in his lap. He asked much after Mr. Popeand said he was

 

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very desirous of seeing him; for that he had read his Iliad in his translationwith almost as much delight as he believed he had given others in the original.I had the curiosity to inquire whether he had really writ that poem in detachedpiecesand sung it about as ballads all over Greeceaccording to the reportwhich went of him. He smiled at my questionand asked me whether there appearedany connection in the poem; for if there did he thought I might answer myself. Ithen importuned him to acquaint me in which of the cities which contended forthe honor of his birth he was really born? To which he answered``Upon my soulI can't tell.''

Virgil then came up to mewith Mr. Addisonunder his arm. ``Wellsir'' said he``how many translations have these fewlast years produced of my Æneid?'' I told him I believed severalbut I couldnot possibly remember; for that I had never read any but Dr. Trapp's. ``Ay''said he``that is a curious piece indeed!'' I then acquainted him with thediscovery made by Mr. Warburton of the Elusinian mysteries couched in his sixthbook. ``What mysteries?'' said Mr. Addison. ``The Elusinian'' answered Virgil``which I have disclosed in my sixth book.'' ``How!'' replied Addison. ``Younever mentioned a word of any such mysteries to me in all our acquaintance.''``I thought it was unnecessary'' cried the other``to a man of your infinitelearning: besidesyou always told me you perfectly understood my meaning.''Upon this I thought the critic looked a little out of countenanceand turnedaside to a very

 

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merry spiritone Dick Steelewho embraced himand told him he had been thegreatest man upon earth; that he readily resigned up all the merit of his ownworks to him. Upon which Addison gave him a gracious smileandclapping him onthe back with much solemnitycried out``Well saidDick!''

I then observed Shakespeare standing betweenBetterton and Boothand deciding a difference between those two great actorsconcerning the placing an accent in one of his lines: this was disputed on bothsides with a warmth which surprised me in Elysiumtill I discovered byintuition that every soul retained its principal characteristicbeingindeedits very essence. The line was that celebrated one in Othello --

Put out the lightand then put out the light.

according to Betterton. Mr. Booth contended to have it thus:--

Put out the lightand then put outTHE light.

I could not help offering my conjecture on this occasionandsuggested it might perhaps be

Put out the lightand then put outTHY light.

Another hinted a reading very sophisticated in my opinion --

Put out the lightand then put outTHEElight.

making light to be the vocative case. Another would havealtered the last wordand read --

 

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Put out thy lightand then put out thy sight.

But Betterton saidif the text was to be disturbedhe saw noreason why a word might not be changed as well as a letterandinstead of``put out thy light'' you may read ``put out thy eyes.'' At last it was agreedon all sides to refer the matter to the decision of Shakespeare himselfwhodelivered his sentiments as follows: ``Faithgentlemenit is so long since Iwrote the lineI have forgot my meaning. This I knowcould I have dreamed somuch nonsense would have been talked and writ about itI would have blotted itout of my works; for I am sureif any of these be my meaningit doth me verylittle honor.''

He was then interrogated concerning some other ambiguouspassages in his works; but he declined any satisfactory answer; sayingif Mr.Theobald had not writ about it sufficientlythere were three or four more neweditions of his plays coming outwhich he hoped would satisfy every one:concluding``I marvel nothing so much as that men will gird themselves atdiscovering obscure beauties in an author. Certes the greatest and most pregnantbeauties are ever the plainest and most evidently striking; and when twomeanings of a passage can in the least balance our judgments which to preferIhold it matter of unquestionable certainty that neither of them is worth afarthing.''

From his works our conversation turned on his monument; uponwhichShakespeareshaking his sidesand addressing himself to Miltoncriedout

 

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``On my wordbrother Miltonthey have brought a noble set of poets together;they would have been hanged erst have [ere they had] convened such a company attheir tables when alive.'' ``Truebrother'' answered Milton``unless we hadbeen as incapable of eating then as we are now.''


 

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CHAPTER IX

More adventures in Elysium.

A CROWD of spirits now joined uswhom I soon perceived to bethe heroeswho here frequently pay their respects to the several bards therecorders of their actions. I now saw Achilles and Ulysses addressing themselvesto Homerand Æneas and Julius Cæsar to Virgil: Adam went up to Miltonuponwhich I whispered Mr. Dryden that I thought the devil should have paid hiscompliments thereaccording to his opinion. Dryden only answered``I believethe devil was in me when I said so.'' Several applied themselves to Shakespeareamongst whom Henry V made a very distinguishing appearance. While my eyes werefixed on that monarch a very small spirit came up to meshook me heartily bythe handand told me his name was THOMAS THUMB. I expressed great satisfactionin seeing himnor could I help speaking my resentment against the historianwho had done such injustice to the stature of this great little manwhich herepresented to be no bigger than a spanwhereas I plainly perceived at firstsight he was full a foot and a half (and the 37th part of an inch moreas hehimself informed me)being indeed little shorter than some considerable beauxof the present age.

I asked this little hero concerning the truth of

 

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those stories related of himviz.of the puddingand the cow's belly. As tothe formerhe said it was a ridiculous legendworthy to be laughed at; but asto the latterhe could not help owning there was some truth in it: nor had heany reason to be ashamed of itas he was swallowed by surprise; addingwithgreat fiercenessthat if he had had any weapon in his hand the cow should haveas soon swallowed the devil.

He spoke the last word with so much furyand seemed soconfoundedthatperceiving the effect it had on himI immediately waived thestoryandpassing to other matterswe had much conversation touching giants.He saidso far from killing anyhe had never seen one alive; that he believedthose actions were by mistake recorded of himinstead of Jack the giant-killerwhom he knew very welland who hadhe fanciedextirpated the race. I assuredhim to the contraryand told him I had myself seen a huge tame giantwho verycomplacently stayed in London a whole winterat the special request of severalgentlemen and ladies; though the affairs of his family called him home toSweden.

I now beheld a stern-looking spirit leaning on the shoulder ofanother spiritand presently discerned the former to be Oliver Cromwellandthe latter Charles Martel. I own I was a little surprised at seeing Cromwellherefor I had been taught by my grandmother that he was carried away by thedevil himself in a tempest; but he assured meon his honorthere was not theleast truth in that story. Howeverhe confessed he had

 

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narrowly escaped the bottomless pit; andif the former part of his conduct hadnot been more to his honor than the latterhe had been certainly soused intoit. He wasneverthelesssent back to the upper world with this lot: -- Armycavalierdistress.

He was bornfor the second timethe day of Charles II'srestorationinto a family which had lost a very considerable fortune in theservice of that prince and his fatherfor which they received the reward veryoften conferred by princes on real meritviz. -- 000. At 16 his father bought asmall commission for him in the armyin which he served without any promotionall the reigns of Charles II and of his brother. At the Revolution he quittedhis regimentand followed the fortunes of his former masterand was in hisservice dangerously wounded at the famous battle of the Boynewhere he foughtin the capacity of a private soldier. He recovered of this woundand retiredafter the unfortunate king to Pariswhere he was reduced to support a wife andseven children (for his lot had horns in it) by cleaning shoes and snuffingcandles at the opera. In which situationafter he had spent a few miserableyearshe died half-starved and broken-hearted. He then revisited Minoswhocompassionating his sufferings by means of that familyto whom he had been inhis former capacity so bitter an enemysuffered him to enter here.

My curiosity would not refrain asking him one questioni.e.whether in reality he had any desire to obtain the crown? He smiledandsaid``No

 

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more than an ecclesiastic hath to the miterwhen he cries Nolo episcopari.''Indeedhe seemed to express some contempt at the questionand presently turnedaway.

A venerable spirit appeared nextwhom I found to be the greathistorian Livy. Alexander the Greatwho was just arrived from the palace ofdeathpassed by him with a frown. The historianobserving itsaid``Ayyoumay frown; but those troops which conquered the base Asiatic slaves would havemade no figure against the Romans.'' We then privately lamented the loss of themost valuable part of his history; after which he took occasion to commend thejudicious collection made by Mr. Hookwhichhe saidwas infinitely preferableto all others; and at my mentioning Echard's he gave a bouncenot unlike thegoing off of a squiband was departing from mewhen I begged him to satisfy mycuriosity in one point -- whether he was really superstitious or no? For I hadalways believed he was till Mr. Leibnitz had assured me to the contrary. Heanswered sullenly``Doth Mr. Leibnitz know my mind better than myself?'' andthen walked away.


 

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CHAPTER X

The author is surprised at meeting Julian theapostate in Elysium; but is satisfied by him by what means he procured hisentrance there. Julian relates his adventures in the character of a slave.

AS he was departing I heard him salute a spirit by the name ofMr. Julian the apostate. This exceedingly amazed me; for I had concluded that noman ever had a better title to the bottomless pit than he. But I soon found thatthis same Julian the apostate was also the very individual archbishop Latimer.He told me that several lies had been raised on him in his former capacitynorwas he so bad a man as he had been represented. Howeverhe had been deniedadmittanceand forced to undergo several subsequent pilgrimages on earthandto act in the different characters of a slavea Jewa generalan heiracarpentera beaua monka fiddlera wise mana kinga foola beggaraprincea statesmana soldiera tailoran aldermana poeta knightadancing-masterand three times a bishopbefore his martyrdomwhichtogetherwith his other behavior in this last charactersatisfied the judgeandprocured him a passage to the blessed regions.

I told him such various characters must have producedincidents extremely entertaining; and if

 

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he remembered allas I supposed he didand had leisureI should be obliged tohim for the recital. He answered he perfectly recollected every circumstance;and as to leisurethe only business of that happy place was to contribute tothe happiness of each other. He therefore thanked me for adding to hisinproposing to him a method of increasing mine. I then took my little darling inone handand my favorite fellow-traveler in the otherandgoing with him to asunny bank of flowerswe all sat downand he began as follows: --

``I suppose you are sufficiently acquainted with my storyduring the time I acted the part of the emperor Julianthough I assure you allwhich hath been related of me is not trueparticularly with regard to the manyprodigies forerunning my death. Howeverthey are now very little worthdisputing; and if they can serve any purpose of the historian they are extremelyat his service.

``My next entrance into the world was at Laodiceain Syriain a Roman family of no great note; andbeing of a roving dispositionI cameat the age of seventeen to Constantinoplewhereafter about a year's stayIset out for Thraceat the time when the emperor Valens admitted the Goths intothat country. I was there so captivated with the beauty of a Gothic ladythewife of one Rodorica captainwhose nameout of the most delicate tendernessfor her lovely sexI shall even at this distance conceal; since her behavior tome was more consistent with good-nature than with that virtue which women areobliged to preserve against every assailant. In order to procure

 

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an intimacy with this woman I sold myself a slave to her husbandwhobeing ofa nation not over-inclined to jealousypresented me to his wifefor those veryreasons which would have induced one of a jealous complexion to have withheld mefrom hernamelyfor that I was young and handsome.

``Matters succeeded so far according to my wishand thesequel answered those hopes which this beginning had raised. I soon perceived myservice was very acceptable to her; I often met her eyesnor did she withdrawthem without a confusion which is scarce consistent with entire purity of heart.Indeedshe gave me every day fresh encouragement; but the unhappy distancewhich circumstances had placed between us deterred me long from making anydirect attack; and she was too strict an observer of decorum to violate thesevere rules of modesty by advancing first; but passion at last got the betterof my respectand I resolved to make one bold attemptwhatever was theconsequence. Accordinglylaying hold of the first kind opportunitywhen shewas alone and my master abroadI stoutly assailed the citadel and carried it bystorm. Well may I say by storm; for the resistance I met was extremely resoluteand indeed as much as the most perfect decency would require. She swore oftenshe would cry out for help; but I answered it was in vainseeing there was noperson near to assist her; and probably she believed mefor she did not onceactually cry outwhich if she hadI might very likely have been prevented.

 

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``When she found her virtue thus subdued against her will shepatiently submitted to her fateand quietly suffered me a long time to enjoythe most delicious fruits of my victory; but envious fortune resolved to make mepay a dear price for my pleasure. One day in the midst of our happiness we weresuddenly surprised by the unexpected return of her husbandwhocoming directlyinto his wife's apartmentjust allowed me time to creep under the bed. Thedisorder in which he found his wife might have surprised a jealous temper; buthis was so far otherwisethat possibly no mischief might have happened had henot by a cross accident discovered my legswhich were not well hid. Heimmediately drew me out by themand thenturning to his wife with a sterncountenancebegan to handle a weapon he wore by his sidewith which I ampersuaded he would have instantly dispatched herhad I not very gallantlyandwith many imprecationsasserted her innocence and my own guilt; whichhoweverI protested had hitherto gone no farther than design. She so well seconded myplea (for she was a woman of wonderful art)that he was at length imposed upon;and now all his rage was directed against methreatening all manner oftortureswhich the poor lady was in too great a fright and confusion todissuade him from executing; and perhapsif her concern for me had made herattempt itit would have raised a jealousy in him not afterwards to be removed.

``After some hesitation Roderic cried out he had luckily hiton the most proper punishment for me

 

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in the worldby a method which would at once do severe justice on me for mycriminal intentionand at the same time prevent me from any danger of executingmy wicked purpose hereafter. This cruel resolution was immediately executedandI was no longer worthy the name of a man.

``Having thus disqualified me from doing him any futureinjuryhe still retained me in his family; but the ladyvery probablyrepenting of what she had doneand looking on me as the author of her guiltwould never for the future give me either a kind word or look: and shortlyaftera great exchange being made between the Romans and the Goths of dogs formenmy lady exchanged me with a Roman widow for a small lap-doggiving aconsiderable sum of money to boot.

``In this widow's service I remained seven yearsduring allwhich time I was very barbarously treated. I was worked without the least mercyand often severely beat by a swinging maid-servantwho never called me by anyother names than those of the Thing and the Animal. Though I used my utmostindustry to pleaseit never was in my power. Neither the lady nor her womanwould eat anything I touchedsaying they did not believe me wholesome. It isunnecessary to repeat particulars; in a wordyou can imagine no kind of illusage which I did not suffer in this family.

``At last an heathen priestan acquaintance of my lady'sobtained me of her for a present. The scene was now totally changedand I hadas much reason to be satisfied with my present situation as

 

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I had to lament my former. I was so absolutely my master's favoritethat therest of the slaves paid me almost as much regard as they showed to himwellknowing that it was entirely in my power to command and treat them as I pleased.I was intrusted with all my master's secretsand used to assist him inprivately conveying away by night the sacrifices from the altarswhich thepeople believed the deities themselves devoured. Upon these we feasted veryelegantlynor could invention suggest a rarity which we did not pamperourselves with. Perhaps you may admire at the close union between this priestand his slavebut we lived in an intimacy which the Christians thoughtcriminal; but my masterwho knew the will of the godswith whom he told me heoften conversedassured me it was perfectly innocent.

``This happy life continued about four yearswhen my master'sdeathoccasioned by a surfeit got by overfeeding on several exquisite daintiesput an end to it.

``I now fell into the hands of one of a very differentdispositionand this was no other than the celebrated St. Chrysostomwhodieted me with sermons instead of sacrificesand filled my ears with goodthingsbut not my belly. Instead of high food to fatten and pamper my fleshIhad receipts to mortify and reduce it. With these I edified so wellthat withina few months I became a skeleton. Howeveras he had converted me to his faithI was well enough satisfied with this new manner of livingby which he taughtme I might insure myself an eternal reward in a future state.

 

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The saint was a good-natured manand never gave me an ill word but oncewhichwas occasioned by my neglecting to place Aristophaneswhich was his constantbedfellowon his pillow. He wasindeedextremely fond of that Greek poetandfrequently made me read his comedies to him. When I came to any of the loosepassages he would smileand say`It was pity his matter was not as pure as hisstyle;' of which latter he was so immoderately fond thatnotwithstanding thedetestation he expressed for obscenityhe hath made me repeat those passagesten times over. The character of this good man hath been very unjustly attackedby his heathen contemporariesparticularly with regard to women; but his severeinvectives against that sex are his sufficient justification.

``From the service of this saintfrom whom I receivedmanumissionI entered into the family of Timasiusa leader of great eminencein the imperial armyinto whose favor I so far insinuated myself that hepreferred me to a good commandand soon made me partaker of both his companyand his secrets. I soon grew intoxicated with this prefermentand the more heloaded me with benefits the more he raised my opinion of my own meritwhichstill outstripping the rewards he conferred on meinspired me rather withdissatisfaction than gratitude. And thusby preferring me beyond my merit orfirst expectationhe made me an envious aspiring enemywhom perhaps a moremoderate bounty would have preserved a dutiful servant.

``I fell now acquainted with one Luciliusa creature

 

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of the prime minister Eutropiuswho had by his favor been raised to the post ofa tribune; a man of low moralsand eminent only in that meanest of qualitiescunning. This gentlemanimagining me a fit tool for the minister's purposehaving often sounded my principles of honor and honestyboth which he declaredto me were words without meaningand finding my ready concurrence in hissentimentsrecommended me to Eutropius as very proper to execute some wickedpurposes he had contrived against my frend Timasius. The minister embraced thisrecommendationand I was accordingly acquainted by Lucilius (after someprevious accounts of the great esteem Eutropius entertained of mefrom thetestimony he had borne of my parts) that he would introduce me to him; addingthat he was a great encourager of meritand that I might depend upon his favor.

``I was with little difficulty prevailed on to accept of thisinvitation. A late hour therefore the next evening being appointedI attendedmy friend Lucilius to the minister's house. He received me with the utmostcivility and cheerfulnessand affected so much regard to methat Iwho knewnothing of these high scenes of lifeconcluded I had in him a mostdisinterested friendowing to the favorable report which Lucilius had made ofme. I was however soon cured of this opinion; for immediately after supper ourdiscourse turned on the injustice which the generality of the world were guiltyof in their conduct to great menexpecting that they should reward theirprivate meritwithout ever endeavoring to apply

 

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it to their use. `What avail' said Eutropius`the learningwitcourageorany virtue which a man may be possessed ofto meunless I receive some benefitfrom them? Hath he not more merit to me who doth my business and obeys mycommandswithout any of these qualities?' I gave such entire satisfaction in myanswers on this headthat both the minister and his creature grew bolderandafter some preface began to accuse Timasius. At lastfinding I did not attemptto defend himLucilius swore a great oath that he was not fit to liveand thathe would destroy him. Eutropius answered that it would be too dangerous a task:`Indeed' says he`his crimes are of so black a dyeand so well known to theemperorthat his death must be a very acceptable serviceand could not failmeeting a proper reward: but I question whether you are capable of executingit.' `If he is not' cried I`I am; and surely no man can have greater motivesto destroy him than myself: forbesides his disloyalty to my princefor whom Ihave so perfect a dutyI have private disobligations to him. I have had fellowsput over my headto the great scandal of the service in generaland to my ownprejudice and disappointment in particular.' I will not repeat you my wholespeech; butto be as concise as possiblewhen we parted that evening theminister squeezed me heartily by the handand with great commendation of myhonesty and assurances of his favorhe appointed me the next evening to come tohim alone; whenfinding meafter a little more scrutinyready for hispurposehe proposed to me to

 

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accuse Timasius of high treasonpromising me the highest rewards if I wouldundertake it. The consequence to himI suppose you knowwas ruin; but what wasit to me? Whytrulywhen I waited on Eutropius for the fulfilling hispromisesreceived me with great distance and coldness; andon my dropping somehints of my expectations from himhe affected not to understand me; saying hethought impunity was the utmost I could hope for on discovering my accomplicewhose offense was only greater than mineas he was in a higher station; andtelling me he had great difficulty to obtain a pardon for me from the emperorwhich he saidhe had struggled very hardly foras he had worked the discoveryout of me. He turned awayand addressed himself to another person.

``I was so incensed at this treatmentthat I resolvedrevengeand should certainly have pursued ithad he not cautiously preventedme by taking effectual means to despatch me soon after out of the world.

``You willI believenow think I had a second good chancefor the bottomless pitand indeed Minos seemed inclined to tumble me intillhe was informed of the revenge taken on me by Rodericand my seven years'subsequent servitude to the widow; which he thought sufficient to make atonementfor all the crimes a single life could admit ofand so sent me back to try myfortune a third time.''


 

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CHAPTER XI

In which Julian relates his adventures in thecharacter of an avaricious Jew.

``THE next character in which I was destined to appear in theflesh was that of an avaricious Jew. I was born in Alexandria in Egypt. My namewas Balthazar. Nothing very remarkable happened to me till the year of thememorable tumult in which the Jews of that city are reported in history to havemassacred more Christians than at that time dwelt in it. Indeedthe truth isthey did maul the dogs pretty handsomely; but I myself was not presentfor asall our people were ordered to be armedI took that opportunity of selling twoswordswhich probably I might otherwise never have disposed ofthey beingextremely old and rusty; so thathaving no weapon leftI did not care toventure abroad. Besidesthough I really thought it an act meriting salvation tomurder the Nazarenesas the fact was to be committed at midnightat whichtimeto avoid suspicionwe were all to sally from our own housesI could notpersuade myself to consume so much oil in sitting up to that hour: for thesereasons therefore I remained at home that evening.

``I was at this time greatly enamored with one

 

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Hypatiathe daughter of a philosopher; a young lady of the greatest beauty andmerit: indeedshe had every imaginable ornament both of mind and body. Sheseemed not to dislike my person; but there were two obstructions to ourmarriageviz.my religion and her poverty: both which might probably have beengot overhad not those dogs the Christians murdered her; andwhat is worseafterwards burned her body: worseI saybecause I lost by that means a jewelof some valuewhich I had presented to herdesigningif our nuptials did nottake placeto demand it of her back again.

``Being thus disappointed in my loveI soon after leftAlexandria and went to the imperial citywhere I apprehended I should find agood market for jewels on the approaching marriage of the emperor with Athenais.I disguised myself as a beggar on this journeyfor these reasons: firstas Iimagined I should thus carry my jewels with greater safety; andsecondlytolessen my expenses; which latter expedient succeeded so wellthat I begged twooboli on my way more than my traveling cost memy diet being chiefly rootsandmy drink water.

``But perhapsit had been better for me if I had been morelavish and more expeditious; for the ceremony was over before I reachedConstantinople; so that I lost that glorious opportunity of disposing of myjewels with which many of our people were greatly enriched.

``The life of a miser is very little worth relatingas it isone constant scheme of getting or saving

 

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money. I shall therefore repeat to you some few only of my adventureswithoutregard to any order.

``A Roman Jewwho was a great lover of Falernian wineandwho indulged himself very freely with itcame to dine at my house; whenknowing he should meet with little wineand that of the cheaper sortsent mein half-a-dozen jars of Falernian. Can you believe I would not give this man hisown wine? SirI adulterated it so that I made six jars of [them] threewhichhe and his friend drank; the other three I afterwards sold to the very personwho originally sent them meknowing he would give a better price than anyother.

``A noble Roman came one day to my house in the countrywhichI had purchasedfor half the valueof a distressed person. My neighbors paidhim the compliment of some musicon which accountwhen he departedhe left apiece of gold with me to be distributed among them. I pocketed this moneyandordered them a small vessel of sour winewhich I could not have sold for abovetwo drachmsand afterwards made them pay in work three times the value of it.

``As I was not entirely void of religionthough I pretendedto infinitely more than I hadso I endeavored to reconcile my transactions tomy conscience as well as possible. Thus I never invited any one to eat with mebut those on whose pockets I had some design. After our collation it wasconstantly my method to set down in a book I kept for that purposewhat Ithought they owed me

 

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for their meal. Indeedthis was generally a hundred times as much as they couldhave dined elsewhere for; buthoweverit was quid pro quoif not ad valorem.Nowwhenever the opportunity offered of imposing on them I considered it onlyas paying myself what they owed me: indeedI did not always confine myselfstrictly to what I had set downhowever extravagant that was; but I reconciledtaking the overplus to myself as usance.

``But I was not only too cunning for others -- I sometimesoverreached myself. I have contracted distempers for want of food and warmthwhich have put me to the expense of a physician; nayI once very narrowlyescaped death by taking bad drugsonly to save one seven-eighth per cent in theprice.

``By these and such like meansin the midst of poverty andevery kind of distressI saw myself master of an immense fortunethe castingup and ruminating on which was my daily and only pleasure. This washoweverobstructed and embittered by two considerationswhich against my will ofteninvaded my thoughts. Onewhich would have been intolerable (but that indeedseldom troubled me)wasthat I must one day leave my darling treasure. Theother haunted me continuallyviz.that my riches were no greater. HoweverIcomforted myself against this reflection by an assurance that they wouldincrease daily: on which head my hopes were so extensive that I may say withVirgil --

`His ego nec metas rerum nec tempora pono.'


 

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Indeed I am convinced thathad I possessed the whole globe of earthsave onesingle drachmawhich I had been certain never to be master of -- I amconvincedI saythat single drachma would have given me more uneasiness thanall the rest could afford me pleasure.

``To say the truthbetween my solicitude in contrivingschemes to procure money and my extreme anxiety in preserving itI never hadone moment of ease while awake nor of quiet when in my sleep. In all thecharacters through which I have passedI have never undergone half the misery Isuffered in this; andindeedMinos seemed to be of the same opinion; for whileI stood trembling and shaking in expectation of my sentence he bid me go backabout my businessfor that nobody was to be d -- n'd in more worlds than one.AndindeedI have since learned that the devil will not receive a miser.''


 

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CHAPTER XII

What happened to Julian in the characters of ageneralan heira carpenterand a beau.

``THE next step I took into the world was at ApolloniainThracewhere I was born of a beautiful Greek slavewho was the mistress ofEutychesa great favorite of the emperor Zeno. That princeat his restorationgave me the command of a cohortI being then but fifteen years of age; and alittle afterwardsbefore I had even seen an armypreferred meover the headsof all the old officersto be a tribune.

``As I found an easy access to the emperorby means of myfather's intimacy with himhe being a very good courtier -- orin other wordsa most prostitute flatterer -- so I soon ingratiated myself with Zenoand sowell imitated my father in flattering himthat he would never part with me fromabout his person. So that the first armed force I ever beheld was that withwhich Marcian surrounded the palacewhere I was then shut up with the rest ofthe court.

``I was afterwards put at the head of a legion and ordered tomarch into Syria with Theodoric the Goth; that isI mean my legion was soordered; foras to myselfI remained at courtwith

 

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the name and pay of a generalwithout the labor or the danger.

``As nothing could be more gayi. e.debauchedthanZeno's courtso the ladies of gay disposition had great sway in it;particularly onewhose name was Faustawhothough not extremely handsomewasby her wit and sprightliness very agreeable to the emperor. With her I lived ingood correspondenceand we together disposed of all kinds of commissions in thearmynot to those who had most meritbut who would purchase at the highestrate. My levee was now prodigiously thronged by officers who returned from thecampaignswhothough they might have been convinced by daily example howineffectual a recommendation their services werestill continued indefatigablein attendanceand behaved to me with as much observance and respect as I shouldhave been entitled to for making their fortuneswhile I suffered them and theirfamilies to starve.

``Several poetslikewiseaddressed verses to mein whichthey celebrated my achievements; and whatperhapsmay seem strange to us atpresentI received all this incense with most greedy vanitywithout oncereflecting thatas I did not deserve these complimentsthey should rather putme in mind of my defects.

``My father was now deadand I became so absolute in theemperor's grace that one unacquainted with courts would scarce believe theservility with which all kinds of persons who entered the walls of the palacebehaved towards me. A bowa smilea nod from meas I passed through

 

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cringing crowdswere esteemed as signal favors; but a gracious word made anyone happy; andindeedhad this real benefit attending itthat it drew on theperson on whom it was bestowed a very great degree of respect from all others;for these are of current value in courtsandlike notes in tradingcommunitiesare assignable from one to the other. The smile of a court favoriteimmediately raises the person who receives itand gives a value to his smilewhen conferred on an inferior: thus the smile is transferred from one to theotherand the great man at last is the person to discount it. For instanceavery low fellow hath a desire for a place. To whom is he to apply? Not to thegreat man; for to him he hath no access. He therefore applies to Awho is thecreature of Bwho is the tool of Cwho is the flatterer of Dwho is thecatamite of Ewho is the pimp of Fwho is the bully of Gwho is the buffoonof Iwho is the husband of Kwho is the whore of Lwho is the bastard of Mwho is the instrument of the great man. Thus the smile descending regularly fromthe great man to Ais discounted back againand at last paid by the great man.

``It is manifest that a court would subsist as difficultlywithout this kind of coin as a trading city without paper credit. Indeedtheydiffer in thisthat their value is not quite so certainand a favorite mayprotest his smile without the danger of bankruptcy.

``In the midst of all this glory the emperor diedandAnastasius was preferred to the crown. As

 

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it was yet uncertain whether I should not continue in favorI was received asusual at my entrance into the palace to pay my respects to the new emperor; butI was no sooner rumped by him than I received the same compliment from all therest; the whole roomlike a regiment of soldiersturning their backs to me allat once: my smile now was become of equal value with the note of a brokenbankerand every one was as cautious not to receive it.

``I made as much haste as possible from the courtand shortlyafter from the cityretreating to the place of my nativitywhere I spent theremainder of my days in a retired life in husbandrythe only amusement forwhich I was qualifiedhaving neither learning nor virtue.

``When I came to the gate Minos again seemed at firstdoubtfulbut at length dismissed me; saying though I had been guilty of manyheinous crimesin as much as I hadthough a generalnever been concerned inspilling human bloodI might return again to earth.

``I was now again born in Alexandriaandby great accidententering into the womb of my daughter-in-lawcame forth my own grandsoninheriting that fortune which I had before amassed.

``Extravagance was now as notoriously my vice as avarice hadbeen formerly; and I spent in a very short life what had cost me the labor of avery long one to rake together. Perhaps you will think my present condition wasmore to be envied than my former: but upon my word it was very little so; forby possessing everything almost before

 

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I desired itI could hardly ever say I enjoyed my wish: I scarce ever knew thedelight of satisfying a craving appetite. Besidesas I never once thoughtmymind was useless to meand I was an absolute stranger to all the pleasuresarising from it. Norindeeddid my education qualify me for any delicacy inother enjoyments; so that in the midst of plenty I loathed everything. Taste forelegance I had none; and the greatest of corporeal blisses I felt no more fromthan the lowest animal. In a wordas while a miser I had plenty without daringto use itso now I had it without appetite.

``But if I was not very happy in the height of my enjoymentso I afterwards became perfectly miserable; being soon overtaken by diseaseandreduced to distresstill at lengthwith a broken constitution and brokenheartI ended my wretched days in a jail: nor can I think the sentence of Minostoo mildwho condemned meafter having taken a large dose of avaricetowander three years on the banks of Cocytuswith the knowledge of having spentthe fortune in the person of the grandson which I had raised in that of thegrandfather.

``The place of my birthon my return to the worldwasConstantinoplewhere my father was a carpenter. The first thing I remember wasthe triumph of Belisariuswhich wasindeedmost noble show; but nothingpleased me so much as the figure of Gelimerking of the African Vandalswhobeing led captive on this occasionreflecting with disdain on the mutation ofhis own fortune

 

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and on the ridiculous empty pomp of the conquerorcried outVANITYVANITYALL IS MERE VANITY.'

``I was bred up to my father's tradeand you may easilybelieve so low a sphere could produce no adventures worth your notice. HoweverI married a woman I likedand who proved a very tolerable wife. My days werepassed in hard laborbut this procured me healthand I enjoyed a homely supperat night with my wife with more pleasure than I apprehend greater persons findat their luxurious meals. My life had scarce any variety in itand at my deathI advanced to Minos with great confidence of entering the gate: but I wasunhappily obliged to discover some frauds I had been guilty of in the measure ofmy work when I worked by the footas well as my laziness when I was employed bythe day. On which accountwhen I attempted to passthe angry judge laid holdon me by the shouldersand turned me back so violentlythathad I had a neckof flesh and boneI believe he would have broke it.''


 

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CHAPTER XIII

Julian passes into a fop.

``MY scene of action was Rome. I was born into a noble familyand heir to a considerable fortune. On which my parentsthinking I should notwant any talentsresolved very kindly and wisely to throw none away upon me.The only instructors of my youth were therefore one Saltatorwho taught meseveral motions for my legs; and one Ficuswhose business was to show me thecleanest way (as he called it) of cutting off a man's head. When I was wellaccomplished in these sciencesI thought nothing more wantingbut what was tobe furnished by the several mechanics in Romewho dealt in dressing andadorning the pope. Being therefore well equipped with all which their art couldproduceI became at the age of twenty a complete finished beau. And now duringforty-five years I dressedI sang and dancedand danced and sangI bowed andogledand ogled and bowedtillin the sixty-sixth year of my ageI got coldby overheating myself with dancingand died.

``Minos told meas I was unworthy of Elysiumso I was tooinsignificant to be damnedand therefore bade me walk back again.''


 

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CHAPTER XIV

Adventures in the person of a monk.

``FORTUNE now placed me in the character of a younger brotherof a good houseand I was in my youth sent to school; but learning was now atso low an ebbthat my master himself could hardly construe a sentence of Latin;and as for Greekhe could not read it. With very little knowledge thereforeand with altogether as little virtueI was set apart for the churchand at theproper age commenced monk. I lived many years retired in a cella life veryagreeable to the gloominess of my temperwhich was much inclined to despise theworld; that isin other wordsto envy all men of superior fortune andqualificationsand in general to hate and detest the human species.Notwithstanding whichI couldon proper occasionssubmit to flatter thevilest fellow in naturewhich I did one Stephenan eunucha favorite of theemperor Justinian IIone of the wickedest wretches whom perhaps the world eversaw. I not only wrote a panegyric on this manbut I commended him as a patternto all others in my sermons; by which means I so greatly ingratiated myself withhimthat he introduced me to the emperor's presencewhere I prevailed so farby the same methodsthat I was shortly taken from my celland preferred

 

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to a place at court. I was no sooner established in the favor of Justinian thanI prompted him to all kind of cruelty. As I was of a sour morose temperandhated nothing more than the symptoms of happiness appearing in any countenanceI represented all kind of diversion and amusement as the most horrid sins. Iinveighed against cheerfulness as levityand encouraged nothing but gravityorto confess the truth to youhypocrisy. The unhappy emperor followed myadviceand incensed the people by such repeated barbaritiesthat he was atlast deposed by them and banished.

``I now retired again to my cell (for historians mistake insaying I was put to death)where I remained safe from the danger of theirritated mobwhom I cursed in my own heart as much as they could curse me.

``Justinianafter three years of his banishmentreturned toConstantinople in disguiseand paid me a visit. I at first affected not to knowhimand without the least compunction of gratitude for his former favorsintended not to receive himtill a thought immediately suggested itself to mehow I might convert him to my advantageI pretended to recollect him; andblaming the shortness of my memory and badness of my eyesI sprung forward andembraced him with great affection.

``My design was to betray him to ApsimarwhoI doubted notwould generously reward such a service. I therefore very earnestly requested himto spend the whole evening with me; to which he consented. I formed an excusefor leaving him a

 

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few minutesand ran away to the palace to acquaint Apsimar with the guest whomI had then in my cell. He presently ordered a guard to go with me and seize him;butwhether the length of my stay gave him any suspicionor whether he changedhis purpose after my departureI know not; for at my return we found he hadgiven us the slip; nor could we with the most diligent search discover him.

``Apsimarbeing disappointed of his preynow raged at me; atfirst denouncing the most dreadful vengeance if I did not produce the deposedmonarch. Howeverby soothing his passion when at the highestand afterwards bycanting and flatteryI made a shift to escape his fury.

``When Justinian was restored I very confidently went to wishhim joy of his restoration: but it seems he had unfortunately heard of mytreacheryso that he at first received me coldlyand afterwards upbraided meopenly with what I had done. I persevered stoutly in denying itas I knew noevidence could be produced against me; tillfinding him irreconcilableIbetook myself to reviling him in my sermonsand on every other occasionas anenemy to the church and good menand as an infidela heretican atheistaheathenand an Arian. This I did immediately on his returnand before he gavethose flagrant proofs of his inhumanity which afterwards sufficiently verifiedall I had said.

``Luckily I died on the same day when a great number of thoseforces which Justinian had sent against the Thracian Bosphorusand who hadexecuted

 

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such unheard-of cruelties thereperished. As every one of these was cast intothe bottomless pitMinos was so tired with condemnationthat he proclaimedthat all present who had not been concerned in that bloody expedition mightifthey pleasedreturn to the other world. I took him at his wordandpresentlyturning aboutbegan my journey.''


 

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CHAPTER XV

Julian passes into the character of a fiddler.

``ROME was now the seat of my nativity. My mother was anAfricana woman of no great beautybut a favoriteI suppose from her pietyof pope Gregory II. Who was my father I know notbut I believe no veryconsiderable man; for after the death of that popewho wasout of hisreligiona very good friend of my motherwe fell into great distressand wereat length reduced to walk the streets of Rome; nor had either of us any othersupport but a fiddleon which I played with pretty tolerable skill; foras mygenius turned naturally to musicso I had been in my youth very earlyinstructed at the expense of the good pope. This afforded us but a very poorlivelihood: forthough I had often a numerous crowd of hearersfew everthought themselves obliged to contribute the smallest pittance to the poorstarving wretch who had given them pleasure. Naysome of the graver sortafteran hour's attention to my musichave gone away shaking their headsand cryingit was a shame such vagabonds were suffered to stay in the city.

``To say the truthI am confident the fiddle would not havekept us alive had we entirely depended on the generosity of my hearers. My

 

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mother therefore was forced to use her own industry; and while I was soothingthe ears of the crowdshe applied to their pocketsand that generally withsuch good success that we now began to enjoy a very comfortable subsistence; andindeedhad we had the least prudence or forecastmight have soon acquiredenough to enable us to quit this dangerous and dishonorable way of life: but Iknow not what is the reason that money got with labor and safety is constantlypreservedwhile the produce of danger and ease is commonly spent as easilyandoften as wickedlyas acquired. Thus we proportioned our expenses rather by whatwe had than what we wanted or even desired; and on obtaining a considerablebooty we have even forced nature into the most profligate extravaganceand havebeen wicked without inclination.

``We carried on this method of thievery for a long timewithout detection: butas Fortune generally leaves persons of extraordinaryingenuity in the lurch at lastso did she us; for my poor mother was taken inthe factandtogether with myselfas her accomplicehurried before amagistrate.

``Luckily for usthe person who was to be our judge was thegreatest lover of music in the whole cityand had often sent for me to play tohimfor whichas he had given me very small rewardsperhaps his gratitude nowmoved him: butwhatever was his motivehe browbeat the informers against usand treated their evidence with so little favorthat their mouths were soonstopped

 

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and we dismissed with honor; acquittedI should rather have it saidfor wewere not suffered to depart till I had given the judge several tunes on thefiddle.

``We escaped the better on this occasion because the personrobbed happened to be a poet; which gave the judgewho was a facetious personmany opportunities of jesting. He said poets and musicians should agreetogetherseeing they had married sisters; which he afterwards explained to bethe sister arts. And when the piece of gold was produced he burst into a loudlaughand said it must be the golden agewhen poets had gold in their pocketsand in that age there could be no robbers. He made many more jests of the samekindbut a small taste will suffice.

``It is a common saying that men should take warning by anysignal delivery; but I cannot approve the justice of it; for to me it seems thatthe acquittal of a guilty person should rather inspire him with confidenceandit had this effect on us: for we now laughed at the lawand despised itspunishmentswhich we found were to be escaped even against positive evidence.We imagined the late example was rather a warning to the accuser than thecriminaland accordingly proceeded in the most impudent and flagitious manner.

``Among other robberiesone nightbeing admitted by theservants into the house of an opulent priestmy mother took an opportunitywhilst the servants were dancing to my tunesto convey away a silver vessel;this she did without the least sacrilegious intention; but it seems the cupwhich was

 

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a pretty large onewas dedicated to holy usesand only borrowed by the prieston an entertainment which he made for some of his brethren. We were immediatelypursued upon this robbery (the cup being taken in our possession)and carriedbefore the same magistratewho had before behaved to us with so muchgentleness: but his countenance was now changedfor the moment the priestappeared against ushis severity was as remarkable as his candor had beenbeforeand we were both ordered to be stripped and whipped through the streets.

``This sentence was executed with great severitythe priesthimself attending and encouraging the executionerwhich he said he did for thegood of our souls; butthough our backs were both flayedneither my mother'storments nor my own afflicted me so much as the indignity offered to my poorfiddlewhich was carried in triumph before meand treated with a contempt bythe multitudeintimating a great scorn for the science I had the honor toprofess; whichas it is one of the noblest inventions of menand as I had beenalways in the highest degree proud of my excellence in itI suffered so muchfrom the ill-treatment my fiddle receivedthat I would have given all myremainder of skin to have preserved it from this affront.

``My mother survived the whipping a very short time; and I wasnow reduced to great distress and miserytill a young Roman of considerablerank took a fancy to mereceived me into his familyand conversed with me inthe utmost familiarity. He had a violent attachment to musicand would

 

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learn to play on the fiddle; butthrough want of genius for the sciencehenever made any considerable progress. HoweverI flattered his performanceandhe grew extravagantly fond of me for so doing. Had I continued this behavior Imight possibly have reaped the greatest advantages from his kindness; but I hadraised his own opinion of his musical abilities so highthat he now began toprefer his skill to minea presumption I could not bear. One day as we wereplaying in concert he was horribly out; nor was it possibleas he destroyed theharmonyto avoid telling him of it. Instead of receiving my correctionheanswered it was my blunder and not hisand that I had mistaken the key. Such anaffront from my own scholar was beyond human patience; I flew into a violentpassionI flung down my instrument in a rageand swore I was not to be taughtmusic at my age. He answeredwith as much warmthnor was he to be instructedby a strolling fiddler. The dispute ended in a challenge to play a prize beforejudges. This wager was determined in my favor; but the purchase was a dear onefor I lost my friend by itwho nowtwitting me with all his kindnesswith myformer ignominious punishmentand the destitute condition from which I had beenby his bounty relieveddiscarded me for ever.

``While I lived with this gentleman I became knownamongothersto Sabinaa lady of distinctionand who valued herself much on hertaste for music. She no sooner heard of my being discarded than she took me intoher housewhere I

 

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was extremely well clothed and fed. Notwithstanding whichmy situation was farfrom agreeable; for I was obliged to submit to her constant reprehensions beforecompanywhich gave me the greater uneasiness because they were always wrong;nor am I certain that she did not by these provocations contribute to my death:foras experience had taught me to give up my resentment to my breadso mypassionsfor want of outward ventpreyed inwardly on my vitalsand perhapsoccasioned the distemper of which I sickened.

``The ladywhoamidst all the faults she foundwas veryfond of menayprobably was the fonder of me the more faults she foundimmediately called in the aid of three celebrated physicians. The doctors (beingwell fee'd) made me seven visits in three daysand two of them were at the doorto visit me the eighth timewhenbeing acquainted that I was just deadtheyshook their heads and departed.

``When I came to Minos he asked me with a smile whether I hadbrought my fiddle with me; andreceiving an answer in the negativehe bid meget about my businesssaying it was well for me that the devil was no lover ofmusic.''


 

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CHAPTER XVI

The history of the wise man.

``I NOW returned to Romebut in a very different character.Fortune had now allotted me a serious part to act. I had even in my infancy agrave dispositionnor was I ever seen to smilewhich infused an opinion intoall about me that I was a child of great solidity; some foreseeing that I shouldbe a judgeand others a bishop. At two years old my father presented me with arattlewhich I broke to pieces with great indignation. This the good parentbeing extremely wiseregarded as an eminent symptom of my wisdomand cried outin a kind of ecstasy`Well saidboy! I warrant thou makest a great man.'

``At school I could never be persuaded to play with my mates;not that I spent my hours in learningto which I was not in the least addictednor indeed had I any talents for it. Howeverthe solemnity of my carriage wonso much on my masterwho was a most sagacious personthat I was his chieffavoriteand my example on all occasions was recommended to the other boyswhich filled them with envyand me with pleasure; butthough they envied methey all paid me that involuntary respect which it is the curse attending thispassion to bear towards its object.

 

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``I had now obtained universally the character of a very wiseyoung manwhich I did not altogether purchase without pains; for the restraintI laid on myself in abstaining from the several diversions adapted to my yearscost me many a yearning; but the pride which I inwardly enjoyed in the fancieddignity of my character made me some amends.

``Thus I passed onwithout anything very memorable happeningto metill I arrived at the age of twenty-threewhen unfortunately I fellacquainted with a young Neapolitan lady whose name was Ariadne. Her beauty wasso exquisite that her first sight made a violent impression on me; this wasagain improved by her behaviorwhich was most genteeleasyand affable:lastlyher conversation completed the conquest. In this she discovered a strongand lively understandingwith the sweetest and most benign temper. This lovelycreature was about eighteen when I first unhappily beheld her at Romeon avisit to a relation with whom I had great intimacy. As our interviews at firstwere extremely frequentmy passions were captivated before I apprehended theleast danger; and the sooner probablyas the young lady herselfto whom Iconsulted every method of recommendationwas not displeased with my being heradmirer.

``Ariadnehaving spent three months at Romenow returned toNaplesbearing my heart with her: on the other handI had all the assurancesconsistent with the constraint under which the most perfect modesty lays a youngwomanthat

 

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her own heart was not entirely unaffected. I soon found her absence gave me anuneasiness not easy to be borne or to remove. I now first applied to diversions(of the graver sortparticularly to music)but in vain; they rather raised mydesires and heightened my anguish. My passion at length grew so violentthat Ibegan to think of satisfying it. As the first step to thisI cautiouslyinquired into the circumstances of Ariadne's parentswith which I was hithertounacquainted: thoughindeedI did not apprehend they were extremely greatnotwithstanding the handsome appearance of their daughter at Rome. Uponexaminationher fortune exceeded my expectationbut was not sufficient tojustify my marriage with herin the opinion of the wise and prudent. I had nowa violent struggle between wisdom and happinessin whichafter severalgrievous pangswisdom got the better. I could by no means prevail with myselfto sacrifice that character of profound wisdomwhich I had with such uniformconduct obtainedand with such caution hitherto preserved. I therefore resolvedto conquer my affectionwhatever it cost me; and indeed it did not cost me alittle.

``While I was engaged in this conflict (for it lasted a longtime) Ariadne returned to Rome: her presence was a terrible enemy to my wisdomwhich even in her absence had with great difficulty stood its ground. It seems(as she hath since told me in Elysium with much merriment) I had made the sameimpressions on her which she had made on me. IndeedI believe my wisdom wouldhave

 

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been totally subdued by this surprisehad it not cunningly suggested to me amethod of satisfying my passion without doing any injury to my reputation. Thiswas by engaging her privately as a mistresswhich was at that time reputableenough at Romeprovided the affair was managed with an air of slyness andgravitythough the secret was known to the whole city.

``I immediately set about this projectand employed every artand engine to effect it. I had particularly bribed her priestand an old femaleacquaintance and distant relation of hersinto my interest: but all was invain; her virtue opposed the passion in her breast as strongly as wisdom hadopposed it in mine. She received my proposals with the utmost disdainandpresently refused to see or hear from me any more.

``She returned again to Naplesand left me in a worsecondition than before. My days I now passed with the most irksome uneasinessand my nights were restless and sleepless. The story of our amour was now prettypublicand the ladies talked of our match as certain; but my acquaintancedenied their assentsaying`Nonohe is too wise to marry so imprudently.'This their opinion gave meI ownvery great pleasure; butto say the truthscarce compensated the pangs I suffered to preserve it.

``One daywhile I was balancing with myselfand had almostresolved to enjoy my happiness at the price of my charactera friend brought meword that Ariadne was married. This news struck me to the soul; and though I hadresolution

 

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enough to maintain my gravity before him (for which I suffered not a little themore)the moment I was alone I threw myself into the most violent fit ofdespairand would willingly have parted with wisdomfortuneand everythingelseto have retrieved her; but that was impossibleand I had now nothing buttime to hope a cure from. This was very tedious in performing itand the longeras Ariadne had married a Roman cavalierwas now become my near neighborand Ihad the mortification of seeing her make the best of wivesand of having thehappiness which I had lostevery day before my eyes.

``If I suffered so much on account of my wisdom in havingrefused AriadneI was not much more obliged to it for procuring me a richwidowwho was recommended to me by an old friend as a very prudent match; andindeedso it washer fortune being superior to mine in the same proportion asthat of Ariadne had been inferior. I therefore embraced this proposaland mycharacter of wisdom soon pleaded so effectually for me with the widowwho washerself a woman of great gravity and discretionthat I soon succeeded; and assoon as decency would permit (of which this lady was the strictest observer) wewere marriedbeing the second day of the second week of the second year afterher husband's death; for she said she thought some period of time above the yearhad a great air of decorum.

``Butprudent as this lady wasshe made me miserable. Herperson was far from being lovelybut her temper was intolerable. During fifteen

 

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years' habitationI never passed a single day without heartily cursing herandthe hour in which we came together. The only comfort I receivedin the midst ofthe highest tormentswas from continually hearing the prudence of my matchcommended by all my acquaintance.

``Thus you seein the affairs of loveI bought thereputation of wisdom pretty dear. In other matters I had it somewhat cheaper;not that hypocrisywhich was the price I gave for itgives one no pain. I haverefused myself a thousand little amusements with a feigned contemptwhile Ihave really had an inclination to them. I have often almost choked myself torestrain from laughing at a jestand (which was perhaps to myself the leasthurtful of all my hypocrisy) have heartily enjoyed a book in my closet which Ihave spoken with detestation of in public. To sum up my history in shortas Ihad few adventures worth rememberingmy whole life was one constant lie; andhappy would it have been for me if I could as thoroughly have imposed on myselfas I did on others: for reflectionat every turnwould often remind me I wasnot so wise as people thought me; and this considerably embittered the pleasureI received from the public commendation of my wisdom. This self-admonitionlikea memento mori or mortalis esmust bein my opiniona very dangerous enemy toflattery: indeeda weight sufficient to counterbalance all the false praise ofthe world. But whether it be that the generality of wise men do not reflect atallor whether they havefrom a constant imposition on otherscontracted

 

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such a habit of deceit as to deceive themselvesI will not determine: it isIbelievemost certain that very few wise men know themselves what fools theyaremore than the world doth. Good gods! could one but see what passes in thecloset of wisdom! how ridiculous a sight must it be to behold the wise manwhodespises gratifying his palatedevouring custard; the sober wise man with hisdram-bottle; orthe anti-carnalist (if I may be allowed the expression)chuckling over a b -- dy book or pictureand perhaps caressing his house-maid!

``But to conclude a character in which I apprehend I made asabsurd a figure as in any in which I trod the stage of earthmy wisdom at lastbut an end to itselfthat isoccasioned my dissolution.

``A relation of mine in the eastern part of the empiredisinherited his sonand left me his heir. This happened in the depth ofwinterwhen I was in my grand climactericand had just recovered of adangerous disease. As I had all the reason imaginable to apprehend the family ofthe deceased would conspire against meand embezzle as much as they couldIadvised with a grave and wise friend what was proper to be done; whether Ishould go myselfor employ a notary on this occasionand defer my journey tothe spring. To say the truthI was most inclined to the latter; the rather asmy circumstances were extremely flourishingas I was advanced in yearsand hadnot one person in the world to whom I should with pleasure bequeath any fortuneat my death.

 

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``My friend told me he thought my question admitted of nomanner of doubt or debate; that common prudence absolutely required my immediatedeparture; addingthat if the same good luck had happened to him he would havebeen already on his journey; `for' continued he`a man who knows the world sowell as youwould be inexcusable to give persons such an opportunity ofcheating youwhoyou must be assuredwill be too well inclined; and as foremploying a notaryremember that excellent maximNe facias per aliumquodfieri potest per te. I own the badness of the season and your very late recoveryare unlucky circumstances; but a wise man must get over difficulties whennecessity obliges him to encounter them.'

``I was immediately determined by this opinion. The duty of awise man made an irresistible impressionand I took the necessity for grantedwithout examination. I accordingly set forward the next morning; verytempestuous weather soon overtook me; I had not traveled three days before Irelapsed into my feverand died.

``I was now as cruelly disappointed by Minos as I had formerlybeen happily so. I advanced with the utmost confidence to the gateand reallyimagined I should have been admitted by the wisdom of my countenanceevenwithout any questions asked: but this was not my case; andto my greatsurpriseMinoswith a menacing voicecalled out to me`You Mr. therewiththe grave countenancewhither so fastpray? Will you pleasebefore you moveany farther forwardsto give me a short account of your transactions below?' Ithen began

 

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and recounted to him my whole historystill expecting at the end of everyperiod that the gate would be ordered to fly open; but I was obliged to go quitethrough with itand then Minos after some little consideration spoke to me asfollows: --

`` `YouMr. Wisemanstand forth if you please. Believe mesira trip back again to earth will be one of the wisest steps you ever tookand really more to the honor of your wisdom than any you have hitherto taken. Onthe other sidenothing could be simpler than to endeavor at Elysium; for whobut a fool would carry a commoditywhich is of such infinite value in oneplaceinto another where it is of none? Butwithout attempting to offend yourgravity with a jestyou must return to the place from whence you cameforElysium was never designed for those who are too wise to be happy.'

``This sentence confounded me greatlyespecially as it seemedto threaten me with carrying my wisdom back again to earth. I told the judgethough he would not admit me at the gateI hoped I had committed no crime whilealive which merited my being wise any longer. He answered meI must take mychance as to that matterand immediately we turned our backs to each other.''


 

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CHAPTER XVII

Julian enters into the person of a king.

``I WAS now born at Oviedo in Spain. My father's name wasVeremondand I was adopted by my uncle king Alphonso the chaste. I don'trecollect in all the pilgrimages I have made on earth that I ever passed a moremiserable infancy than now; being under the utmost confinement and restraintand surrounded with physicians who were ever dosing meand tutors who werecontinually plaguing me with their instructions; even those hours of leisurewhich my inclination would have spent in play were allotted to tedious pomp andceremonywhichat an age wherein I had no ambition to enjoy the servility ofcourtiersenslaved me more than it could the meanest of them. Howeveras Iadvanced towards manhoodmy condition made me some amends; for the mostbeautiful women of their own accord threw out lures for meand I had thehappinesswhich no man in an inferior degree can arrive atof enjoying themost delicious creatureswithout the previous and tiresome ceremonies ofcourtshipunless with the most simpleyoung and unexperienced. As for thecourt ladiesthey regarded me rather as men do the most lovely of the othersex; andthough they outwardly retained some appearance of modestythey

 

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in reality rather considered themselves as receiving than conferring favors.

``Another happiness I enjoyed was in conferring favors ofanother sort; foras I was extremely good-natured and generousso I had dailyopportunities of satisfying those passions. Besides my own princely allowancewhich was very bountifuland with which I did many liberal and good actionsIrecommended numberless persons of merit in distress to the king's noticemostof whom were provided for. Indeedhad I sufficiently known my blessed situationat this timeI should have grieved at nothing more than the death of Alphonsoby which the burden of government devolved upon me; butso blindly fond isambitionand such charms doth it fancy in the power and pomp and splendor of acrownthatthough I vehemently loved that kingand had the greatestobligations to himthe thoughts of succeeding him obliterated my regret at hislossand the wish for my approaching coronation dried my eyes at his funeral.

``But my fondness for the name of king did not make meforgetful of those over whom I was to reign. I considered them in the light inwhich a tender father regards his childrenas persons whose wellbeing God hadintrusted to my care; and againin that in which a prudent lord respects histenantsas those on whose wealth and grandeur he is to build his own. Boththese considerations inspired me with the greatest care for their welfareandtheir good was my first and ultimate concern.

 

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``The usurper Mauregas had impiously obliged himself and hissuccessors to pay to the Moors every year an infamous tribute of an hundredyoung virgins: from this cruel and scandalous imposition I resolved to relievemy country. Accordinglywhen their emperor Abderames the second had theaudaciousness to make this demand of meinstead of complying with it I orderedhis ambassadors to be driven away with all imaginable ignominyand would havecondemned them to deathcould I have done it without a manifest violation ofthe law of nations.

``I now raised an immense army; at the levying of which I madea speech from my throneacquainting my subjects with the necessity and thereasons of the war in which I was going to engage: which I convinced them I hadundertaken for their ease and safetyand not for satisfying any wantonambitionor revenging any private pique of my own. They all declaredunanimously that they would venture their lives and everything dear to them inmy defenseand in the support of the honor of my crown. Accordinglymy levieswere instantly completesufficient numbers being only left to till the land;churchmeneven bishops themselvesenlisting themselves under my banners.

``The armies met at Alveldawhere we were discomfited withimmense lossand nothing but the lucky intervention of the night could havesaved our whole army.

``I retreated to the summit of a hillwhere I abandonedmyself to the highest agonies of grief

 

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not so much for the danger in which I then saw my crownas for the loss ofthose miserable wretches who had exposed their lives at my command. I could notthen avoid this reflection -- thatif the deaths of these people in a warundertaken absolutely for their protection could give me such concernwhathorror must I have felt iflike princes greedy of dominionI had sacrificedsuch numbers to my own pridevanityand ridiculous lust of power.

``After having vented my sorrows for some time in this mannerI began to consider by what means I might possibly endeavor to retrieve thismisfortune; whenreflecting on the great number of priests I had in my armyand on the prodigious force of superstitiona thought luckily suggested itselfto meto counterfeit that St. James had appeared to me in a visionand hadpromised me the victory. While I was ruminating on this the bishop of Najaracame opportunely to me. As I did not intend to communicate the secret to himItook another methodandinstead of answering anything the bishop said to meIpretended to talk to St. Jamesas if he had been really present; till atlengthafter having spoke those things which I thought sufficientand thankedthe saint aloud for his promise of the victoryI turned about to the bishopandembracing him with a pleased countenanceprotested I did not know he waspresent; and theninforming him of this supposed visionI asked him if he hadnot himself seen the saint? He answered me he had; and afterwards proceeded toassure me that this appearance of St.

 

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James was entirely owing to his prayers; for that he was his tutelar saint. Headded he had a vision of him a few hours beforewhen he promised him a victoryover the infidelsand acquainted him at the same time of the vacancy of the seeof Toledo. Nowthis news being really truethough it had happened so latelythat I had not heard of it (norindeedwas it well possible I shouldconsidering the great distance of the way)when I was afterwards acquaintedwith ita little staggered methough far from being superstitious; till beinginformed that the bishop had lost three horses on a late expeditionI wassatisfied.

``The next morningthe bishopat my desiremounted therostrumand trumpeted forth this vision so effectuallywhich he said he hadthat evening twice seen with his own eyesthat a spirit began to be infusedthrough the whole army which rendered them superior to almost any force: thebishop insisted that the least doubt of success was giving the lie to the saintand a damnable sinand he took upon him in his name to promise them victory.

``The army being drawn outI soon experienced the effect ofenthusiasmforhaving contrived another stratagem9to strengthen what the bishop had saidthe soldiers fought more like furiesthan men. My stratagem was this: I had about me a dexterous fellowwho had beenformerly a pimp in my amours. Him I dressed up in a strange antic

 

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dresswith a pair of white colors in his right handa red cross in his leftand having disguised him so that no one could know himI placed him on a whitehorseand ordered him to ride to the head of the armyand cry out`Follow St.James!' These words were reiterated by all the troopswho attacked the enemywith such intrepiditythatnotwithstanding our inferiority of numberswe soonobtained a complete victory.

``The bishop was come up by the time that the enemy wasroutedandacquainting us that he had met St. James by the wayand that hehad informed him of what had passedhe added that he had express orders fromthe saint to receive a considerable sum for his useand that a certain tax oncorn and wine should be settled on his church for ever; and lastlythat ahorseman's pay should be allowed for the future to the saint himselfof whichhe and his successors were appointed receivers. The army received these demandswith such acclamations that I was obliged to comply with themas I could by nomeans discover the impositionnor do I believe I should have gained any creditif I had.

``I had now done with the saintbut the bishop had not; forabout a week afterwards lights were seen in a wood near where the battle wasfought; and in a short time afterwards they discovered his tomb at the sameplace. Upon this the bishop made me a visitand forced me to go thithertobuild a church to himand largely endow it. In a wordthe good man so plaguedme with miracle after miraclethat I was forced to make interest

 

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with the pope to convey him to Toledoto get rid of him.

``But to proceed to other matters. -- There was an inferiorofficerwho had behaved very bravely in the battle against the Moorsand hadreceived several woundswho solicited me for preferment; which I was about toconfer on himwhen one of my ministers came to me in a frightand told me thathe had promised the post I designed for this man to the son of count Alderedo;and that the countwho was a powerful personwould be greatly disobliged atthe refusalas he had sent for his son from school to take possession of it. Iwas obliged to agree with my minister's reasonsand at the same timerecommended the wounded soldier to be preferred by himwhich he faithfullypromised he would; but I met the poor wretch since in Elysiumwho informed mehe was afterwards starved to death.

``None who hath not been himself a princenor any prince tillhis deathcan conceive the impositions daily put on them by their favorites andministers; so that princes are often blamed for the faults of others. The countof Saldagne had been long confined in prisonwhen his sonD. Bernard delCarpiowho had performed the greatest actions against the Moorsentreated meas a reward for his serviceto grant him his father's liberty. The old man'spunishment had been so tediousand the services of the young one so singularlyeminentthat I was very inclinable to grant the request; but my ministersstrongly opposed it; they told me my glory demanded revenge for the dishonor

 

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offered to my family; that so positive a demand carried with it rather the airof menace than entreaty; that the vain detail of his servicesand therecompense due to themwas an injurious reproach; that to grant what had beenso haughtily demanded would argue in the monarch both weakness and timidity; ina wordthat to remit the punishment inflicted by my predecessors would be tocondemn their judgment. Lastlyone told me in a whisper`His whole family areenemies to your house.' By these means the ministers prevailed. The young lordtook the refusal so illthat he retired from courtand abandoned himself todespairwhilst the old one languished in prison. By which meansas I havesince discoveredI lost the use of two of my best subjects.

``To confess the truthI hadby means of my ministersconceived a very unjust opinion of my whole peoplewhom I fancied to be dailyconspiring against meand to entertain the most disloyal thoughtswheninreality (as I have known since my death)they held me in universal respect andesteem. This is a trickI believetoo often played with sovereignswhobysuch meansare prevented from that open intercourse with their subjects whichas it would greatly endear the person of the prince to the peopleso might itoften prove dangerous to a minister who was consulting his own interest only atthe expense of both. I believe I have now recounted to you the most materialpassages of my life; for I assure you there are some incidents in the lives ofkings not extremely worth relating. Everything which passes in their minds

 

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and families is not attended with the splendor which surrounds their throne --indeedthere are some hours wherein the naked king and the naked cobbler canscarce be distinguished from each other.

``Had it not beenhoweverfor my ingratitude to Bernard delCarpioI believe this would have been my last pilgrimage on earth; foras tothe story of St. JamesI thought Minos would have burst his sides at it; but hewas so displeased with me on the other accountthatwith a frownhe criedout`Get thee back againking.' Nor would he suffer me to say another word.''



[9] This silly story is told as a solemn truth (i. e.that St. Jamesreally appeared in the manner this fellow is described) by Mariana1. 778.

 

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CHAPTER XVIII

Julian passes into a fool.

``THE next visit I made to the world was performed in Francewhere I was born in the court of Lewis IIIand had afterwards the honor to bepreferred to be fool to the princewho was surnamed Charles the Simple. ButinrealityI know not whether I might so properly be said to have acted the foolin his court as to have made fools of all others in it. Certain it isI wasvery far from being what is generally understood by that wordbeing a mostcunningdesigningarch knave. I knew very well the folly of my masterand ofmany othersand how to make my advantage of this knowledge.

``I was as dear to Charles the Simple as the player Paris wasto Domitianandlike himbestowed all manner of offices and honors on whom Ipleased. This drew me a great number of followers among the courtierswhoreally mistook me for a fooland yet flattered my understanding. There wasparticularly in the court a fellow who had neither honorhonestysensewitcouragebeautynor indeed any one good qualityeither of mind or bodytorecommend him; but was at the same timeperhapsas cunning a monster as everlived. This gentleman took it into his head to list under my bannerand pursuedme so very assiduously

 

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with flatteryconstantly reminding me of my good sensethat I grewimmoderately fond of him; for though flattery is not most judiciously applied toqualities which the persons flattered possessyet asnotwithstanding my beingwell assured of my own partsI passed in the whole court for a foolthisflattery was a very sweet morsel to me. I therefore got this fellow preferred toa bishopricbut I lost my flatterer by it; for he never afterwards said a civilthing to me.

``I never balked my imagination for the grossness of thereflection on the character of the greatest noble -- nayeven the king himself;of which I will give you a very bold instance. One day his simple majesty toldme he believed I had so much power that his people looked on me as the kingandhimself as my fool. At this I pretended to be angryas with an affront. `Whyhow now?' says the king; `are you ashamed of being a king?' `Nosir' says I`but I am devilishly ashamed of my fool.'

``Herbertearl of Vermandoishad by my means been restoredto the favor of the Simple (for so I used always to call Charles). He afterwardsprevailed with the king to take the city of Arras from earl Baldwinby whichmeansHerbertin exchange for this cityhad Peronne restored to him by countAltmar. Baldwin came to court in order to procure the restoration of his city;buteither through pride or ignoranceneglected to apply to me. As I met himat court during his solicitationI told him he did not apply the right way; heanswered roughly he should not ask

 

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a fool's advice. I replied I did not wonder at his prejudicesince he hadmiscarried already by following a fool's advice; but I told him there were foolswho had more interest than that he had brought with him to court. He answered mesurlily he had no fool with himfor that he traveled alone. `Aymy lord' saysI`I often travel aloneand yet they will have it I always carry a fool withme.' This raised a laugh among the by-standerson which he gave me a blow. Iimmediately complained of this usage to the Simplewho dismissed the earl fromcourt with very hard wordsinstead of granting him the favor he solicited.

``I give you these rather as a specimen of my interest andimpudence than of my wit -- indeedmy jests were commonly more admired thanthey ought to be; for perhaps I was not in reality much more a wit than a fool.Butwith the latitude of unbounded scurrilityit is easy enough to attain thecharacter of witespecially in a courtwhereas all persons hate and envy oneanother heartilyand are at the same time obliged by the constrained behaviorof civility to profess the greatest likingso it isand must bewonderfullypleasant to them to see the follies of their acquaintance exposed by a thirdperson. Besidesthe opinion of the court is as uniform as the fashionand isalways guided by the will of the prince or of the favorite. I doubt not thatCaligula's horse was universally held in his court to be a good and able consul.In the same manner was I universally acknowledged to be the wittiest fool in theworld.

 

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Every word I said raised laughterand was held to be a jestespecially by theladieswho sometimes laughed before I had discovered my sentimentand oftenrepeated that as a jest which I did not even intend as one.

``I was as severe on the ladies as on the menand with thesame impunity; but this at last cost me dear: for once having joked on thebeauty of a lady whose name was Adelaidea favorite of the Simple'sshepretended to smile and be pleased at my wit with the rest of the company; but inreality she highly resented itand endeavored to undermine me with the king. Inwhich she so greatly succeeded (for what cannot a favorite woman do with one whodeserves the surname of Simple?) that the king grew every day more reserved tomeand when I attempted any freedom gave me such marks of his displeasurethatthe courtiers who have all hawks' eyes at a slight from the sovereignsoondiscerned it: and indeedhad I been blind enough not to have discovered that Ihad lost ground in the Simple's favor by his own change in his carriage towardsmeI must have found itnay even felt itin the behavior of the courtiers:foras my company was two days before solicited with the utmost eagernessitwas now rejected with as much scorn. I was now the jest of the ushers and pages;and an officer of the guardson whom I was a little jocosegave me a box onthe earbidding me make free with my equals. This very fellow had been my buttfor many yearswithout daring to lift his hand against me.

 

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``But though I visibly perceived the alteration in the SimpleI was utterly unable to make any guess at the occasion. I had not the leastsuspicion of Adelaide; forbesides her being a very good-humored womanI hadoften made severe jests on her reputationwhich I had all the reason imaginableto believe had given her no offense. But I soon perceived that a woman will bearthe most bitter censures on her morals easier than the smallest reflection onher beauty; for she now declared publiclythat I ought to be dismissed fromcourtas the stupidest of foolsand one in whom there was no diversion; andthat she wondered how any person could have so little taste as to imagine I hadany wit. This speech was echoed through the drawing-roomand agreed to by allpresent. Every one now put on an unusual gravity on their countenance whenever Ispoke; and it was as much out of my power to raise a laugh as formerly it hadbeen for me to open my mouth without one.

``While my affairs were in this posture I went one day intothe circle without my fool's dress. The Simplewho would still speak to mecried out`Sofoolwhat's the matter now?' `Sir' answered I`fools are liketo be so common a commodity at courtthat I am weary of my coat.' `How dostthou mean?' answered the Simple; `what can make them commoner now than usual?'-- `Osir' said I`there are ladies here make your majesty a fool every dayof their lives.' The Simple took no notice of my jestand several present saidmy bones ought to be broke for my impudence;

 

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but it pleased the queenwhoknowing Adelaidewhom she hatedto be the causeof my disgraceobtained me of the kingand took me into her service; so that Iwas henceforth called the queen's fooland in her court received the samehonorand had as much witas I had formerly had in the king's. But as thequeen had really no power unless over her own domesticsI was not treated ingeneral with that complacencenor did I receive those bribes and presentswhich had once fallen to my share.

``Nor did this confined respect continue long: for the queenwho had in fact no taste for humorsoon grew sick of my fooleryandforgetting the cause for which she had taken meneglected me so muchthat hercourt grew intolerable to my temperand I broke my heart and died.

``Minos laughed heartily at several things in my storyandthentelling me no one played the fool in Elysiumbid me go back again.''


 

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CHAPTER XIX

Julian appears in the character of a beggar.

``I NOW returned to Romeand was born into a very poor andnumerous familywhichto be honest with youprocured its livelihood bybegging. Thisif you was never yourself of the callingyou do not knowIsupposeto be as regular a trade as any other; to have its several rules andsecretsor mysterieswhich to learn require perhaps as tedious anapprenticeship as those of any craft whatever.

``The first thing we are taught is the countenance miserable.This indeed nature makes much easier to some than others; but there are none whocannot accomplish itif they begin early enough in youthand before themuscles are grown too stubborn.

``The second thing is the voice lamentable. In thisqualification toonature must have her share in producing the most consummateexcellence: howeverart will hereas in every other instancego a great waywith industry and applicationeven without the assistance of geniusespeciallyif the student begins young.

``There are many other instructionsbut these are the mostconsiderable. The women are taught one practice more than the menfor they areinstructed in the art of cryingthat isto have

 

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their tears ready on all occasions: but this is attained very easily by most.Some indeed arrive at the utmost perfection in this art with incrediblefacility.

``No profession requires a deeper insight into human naturethan the beggar's. Their knowledge of the passions of men is so extensivethatI have often thought it would be of no little service to a politician to havehis education among them. Naythere is a much greater analogy between these twocharacters than is imagined; for both concur in their first and grand principleit being equally their business to delude and impose on mankind. It must beconfessed that they differ widely in the degree of advantage which they make bytheir deceit; forwhereas the beggar is contented with a littlethe politicianleaves but a little behind.

``A very great English philosopher hath remarked our policyin taking care never to address any one with a title inferior to what he reallyclaims. My father was of the same opinion; for I remember when I was a boythepope happening to pass byI tended him with `Praysir;' `For God's sakesir;'`For the Lord's sakesir;' -- To which he answered gravely`Sirrahsirrahyou ought to be whipped for taking the Lord's name in vain;' and in vain it wasindeedfor he gave me nothing. My fatheroverhearing thistook his adviceand whipped me very severely. While I was under correction I promised oftennever to take the Lord's name in vain any more. My father then said`ChildIdo not whip you for taking

 

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his name in vain; I whip you for not calling the pope his holiness.'

``If all men were so wise and good to follow the clergy'sexamplethe nuisance of beggars would soon be removed. I do not remember tohave been above twice relieved by them during my whole state of beggary. Oncewas by a very well-looking manwho gave me a small piece of silveranddeclared he had given me more than he had left himself; the other was by aspruce young fellowwho had that very day first put on his robeswhom Iattended with `Prayreverend sirgood reverend sirconsider your cloth.' Heanswered`I dochildconsider my officeand I hope all our cloth do thesame.' He then threw down some moneyand strutted off with great dignity.

``With the women I had one general formulary: `Sweet prettylady' `God bless your ladyship' `God bless your handsome face.' This generallysucceeded; but I observed the uglier the woman wasthe surer I was of success.

``It was a constant maxim among usthat the greater retinueany one traveled with the less expectation we might promise ourselves from them;but whenever we saw a vehicle with a single or no servant we imagined our bootysureand were seldom deceived.

``We observed great difference introduced by time andcircumstance in the same person; for instancea losing gamester is sometimesgenerousbut from a winner you will as easily obtain his soul as a singlegroat. A lawyer traveling from his country seat to his clients at Romeand a

 

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physician going to visit a patientwere always worth asking; but the same ontheir return were (according to our cant phrase) untouchable.

``The most generaland indeed the truestmaxim among us wasthat those who possessed the least were always the readiest to give. The chiefart of a beggar-man isthereforeto discern the rich from the poorwhichthough it be only distinguishing substance from shadowis by no meansattainable without a pretty good capacity and a vast degree of attention; forthese two are eternally industrious in endeavoring to counterfeit each other. Inthis deceit the poor man is more heartily in earnest to deceive you than therichwhoamidst all the emblems of poverty which he puts onstill permitssome mark of his wealth to strike the eye. Thuswhile his apparel is not wortha groathis finger wears a ring of valueor his pocket a gold watch. In awordhe seems rather to affect poverty to insult than impose on you. Now thepoor manon the contraryis very sincere in his desire of passing for rich;but the eagerness of this desire hurries him to over-act his partand hebetrays himself as one who is drunk by his overacted sobriety. Thusinstead ofbeing attended by one servant well mountedhe will have two; andnot beingable to purchase or maintain a second horse of valueone of his servants atleast is mounted on a hired rascallion. He is not contented to go plain and neatin his clothes; he therefore claps on some tawdry ornamentand what he adds tothe fineness of his vestment he detracts from the fineness of his linen.

 

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Without descending into more minute particularsI believe I may assert it as anaxiom of indubitable truththat whoever shows you he is either in himself orhis equipage as gaudy as he canconvinces you he is more so than he can afford.Nowwhenever a man's expense exceeds his incomehe is indifferent in thedegree; we had therefore nothing more to do with such than to flatter them withtheir wealth and splendorand were always certain of success.

``There isindeedone kind of rich man who is commonly moreliberalnamelywhere riches surprise himas it werein the midst of povertyand distressthe consequence of which isI ownsometimes excessive avaricebut oftener extreme prodigality. I remember one of these whohaving received apretty large sum of moneygave mewhen I begged an obolusa whole talent; onwhich his friend having reproved himhe answeredwith an oath`Why not? HaveI not fifty left?'

``The life of a beggarif men estimated things by their realessenceand not by their outward false appearancewould beperhapsa moredesirable situation than any of those which ambition persuades uswith suchdifficultydangerand often villainyto aspire to. The wants of a beggar arecommonly as chimerical as the abundance of a nobleman; for besides vanitywhicha judicious beggar will always apply to with wonderful efficacythere are inreality very few natures so hardened as not to compassionate poverty anddistresswhen the predominancy of some other passion doth not prevent them.

 

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``There is one happiness which attends money got with easenamelythat it is never hoarded; otherwiseas we have frequent opportunitiesof growing richthat canker care might prey upon our quietas it doth onothers; but our money stock we spend as fast as we acquire it; usually at leastfor I speak not without exception; thus it gives us mirth onlyand no trouble.Indeedthe luxury of our lives might introduce diseasesdid not our dailyexercise prevent them. This gives us an appetite and relish for our daintiesand at the same time an antidote against the evil effects which slothunitedwith luxuryinduces on the habit of a human body. Our women we enjoy withecstasies at least equal to what the greatest men feel in their embraces. I canI am assuredsay of myselfthat no mortal could reap more perfect happinessfrom the tender passion than my fortune had decreed me. I married a charmingyoung woman for love; she was the daughter of a neighboring beggarwhowith animprovidence too often seenspent a very large income which he procured by hisprofessionso that he was able to give her no fortune down; howeverat hisdeath he left her a very well accustomed begging-hutsituated on the side of asteep hillwhere travelers could not immediately escape from usand a gardenadjoiningbeing the twenty-eighth part of an acrewell planted. She made thebest of wivesbore me nineteen childrenand never failedunless on herlying-inwhich generally lasted three daysto get my supper ready against myreturn home in an evening; this being my favorite mealand

 

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at which Ias well as my whole familygreatly enjoyed ourselves; the principalsubject of our discourse being generally the boons we had that day obtainedonwhich occasionslaughing at the folly of the donors made no inconsiderable partof the entertainment; forwhatever might be their motive for givingweconstantly imputed our success to our having flattered their vanityoroverreached their understanding.

``But perhaps I have dwelt too long on this character; I shallconcludethereforewith telling you that after a life of 102 years'continuanceduring all which I had never known any sickness or infirmity butthat which old age necessarily inducedI at lastwithout the least painwentout like the snuff of a candle.

``Minoshaving heard my historybid me computeif I couldhow many lies I had told in my life. As we are hereby a certain fatednecessityobliged to confine ourselves to truthI answeredI believed about50000000. He then repliedwith a frown`Can such a wretch conceive any hopesof entering Elysium?' I immediately turned aboutandupon the wholewasrejoiced at his not calling me back.''


 

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CHAPTER XX

Julian performs the part of a statesman.

``IT was now my fortune to be born of a German princess; but aman-midwifepulling my head off in delivering my motherput a speedy end to myprincely life.

``Spirits who end their lives before they are at the age offive years are immediately ordered into other bodies; and it was now my fortuneto perform several infancies before I could again entitle myself to anexamination of Minos.

``At length I was destined once more to play a considerablepart on the stage. I was born in Englandin the reign of Ethelred II. Myfather's name was Ulnoth: he was earl or thane of Sussex. I was afterwards knownby the name of earl Goodwinand began to make a considerable figure in theworld in the time of Harold Harefootwhom I procured to be made king of Wessexor the West Saxonsin prejudice of Hardicanutewhose mother Emma endeavoredafterwards to set another of her sons on the throne; but I circumvented herandcommunicating her design to the kingat the same time acquainted him witha project which I had formed for the murder of these two young princes. Emma hadsent for these her sons from Normandywith the king's leavewhom she haddeceived by her religious behavior

 

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and pretended neglect of all worldly affairs; but I prevailed with Harold toinvite these princes to his courtand put them to death. The prudent mothersent only Alfredretaining Edward to herselfas she suspected my ill designsand thought I should not venture to execute them on one of her sonswhile shesecured the other; but she was deceivedfor I had no sooner Alfred in mypossession than I caused him to be conducted to Elywhere I ordered his eyes tobe put outand afterwards to be confined in a monastery.

``This was one of those cruel expedients which great mensatisfy themselves well in executingby concluding them to be necessary to theservice of their princewho is the support of their ambition.

``Edwardthe other son of Emmaescaped again to Normandy;whenceafter the death of Harold and Hardicanutehe made no scruple ofapplying to my protection and favorthough he had before prosecuted me with allthe vengeance he was ablefor the murder of his brother; but in all greataffairs private relation must yield to public interest. Having thereforeconcluded very advantageous terms for myself with himI made no scruple ofpatronizing his causeand soon placed him on the throne. Nor did I conceive theleast apprehension from his resentmentas I knew my power was too great for himto encounter.

``Among other stipulated conditionsone was to marry mydaughter Editha. This Edward consented to with great reluctanceand I hadafterwards no reason to be pleased with it; for it raised herwho had been myfavorite childto such an <121> opinion of greatnessthatinstead ofpaying me the usual respectshe frequently threw in my teeth (as often at leastas I gave her any admonition)that she was now a queenand that the characterand title of father merged in that of subject. This behaviorhoweverdid notcure me of my affection towards hernor lessen the uneasiness which Iafterwards bore on Edward's dismissing her from his bed.

``One thing which principally induced me to labor thepromotion of Edward was the simplicity or weakness of that princeunder whom Ipromised myself absolute dominion under another name. Nor did this opiniondeceive me; forduring his whole reignmy administration was in the highestdegree despotic: I had everything of royalty but the outward ensigns; no manever applying for a placeor any kind of prefermentbut to me only. Acircumstance whichas it greatly enriched my coffersso it no less pampered myambitionand satisfied my vanity with a numerous attendance; and I had thepleasure of seeing those who only bowed to the king prostrating themselvesbefore me.

``Edward the Confessoror St. Edwardas some have calledhimin derision I supposebeing a very silly fellowhad all the faultsincidentand almost inseparableto fools. He married my daughter Editha fromhis fear of disobliging me; and afterwardsout of hatred to merefused even toconsummate his marriagethough she was one of the most beautiful women of herage. He was likewise guilty of the basest ingratitude to his

 

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mother (a vice to which fools are chieflyif not onlyliable); andin returnfor her endeavors to procure him a throne in his youthconfined her in aloathsome prison in her old age. Thisit is truehe did by my advice; but asto her walking over nine plowshares red-hotand giving nine manorswhen shehad not one in her possessionthere is not a syllable of veracity in it.

``The first great perplexity I fell into was on the account ofmy son Swanewho had deflowered the abbess of Leonsince called LeominsterinHerefordshire. After this fact he retired into Denmarkwhence he sent to me toobtain his pardon. The king at first refused itbeing moved theretoas Iafterwards foundby some churchmenparticularly by one of his chaplainswhomI had prevented from obtaining a bishopric. Upon this my son Swane invaded thecoasts with several shipsand committed many outrageous cruelties; whichindeeddid his businessas they served me to apply to the fear of this kingwhich I had long since discovered to be his predominant passion. Andat lasthe who had refused pardon to his first offense submitted to give it him after hehad committed many other more monstrous crimes; by which his pardon lost allgrace to the offendedand received double censure from all others.

``The king was greatly inclined to the Normanshad created aNorman archbishop of Canterburyand had heaped extraordinary favors on him. Ihad no other objection to this man than that he rose without my assistance; acause of dislike whichin the reign of great and powerful favorites

 

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hath often proved fatal to the persons who have given itas the persons thusraised inspire us constantly with jealousies and apprehensions. For when wepromote any one ourselveswe take effectual care to preserve such an ascendantover himthat we can at any time reduce him to his former degreeshould hedare to act in opposition to our wills; for which reason we never suffer any tocome near the prince but such as we are assured it is impossible should becapable of engaging or improving his affection; no prime ministeras Iapprehendesteeming himself to be safe while any other shares the ear of hisprinceof whom we are as jealous as the fondest husband can be of his wife.Whoeverthereforecan approach him by any other channel than that ofourselvesisin our opiniona declared enemyand one whom the firstprinciples of policy oblige us to demolish with the utmost expedition. For theaffection of kings is as precarious as that of womenand the only way to secureeither to ourselves is to keep all others from them.

``But the archbishop did not let matters rest on suspicion. Hesoon gave open proofs of his interest with the Confessor in procuring an officeof some importance for one Rolloa Roman of mean extraction and very despicableparts. When I represented to the king the indecency of conferring such an honoron such a fellowhe answered me that he was the archbishop's relation. `Thensir' replied I`he is related to your enemy.' Nothing more passed at thattime; but I soon perceivedby the archbishop's behaviorthat the king

 

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had acquainted him with our private discourse; a sufficient assurance of hisconfidence in him and neglect of me.

``The favor of princeswhen once lostis recoverable only bythe gaining a situation which may make you terrible to them. As I had no doubtof having lost all credit with this kingwhich indeed had been originallyfounded and constantly supported by his fearso I took the method of terror toregain it.

``The earl of Boulogne coming over to visit the king gave mean opportunity of breaking out into open opposition; foras the earl was on hisreturn to Franceone of his servantswho was sent before to procure lodgingsat Doverand insisted on having them in the house of a private man in spite ofthe owner's teethwasin a fray which ensuedkilled on the spot; and the earlhimselfarriving there soon aftervery narrowly escaped with his life. Theearlenraged at this affrontreturned to the king at Gloucester with loudcomplaints and demands of satisfaction. Edward consented to his demandsandordered me to chastise the rioterswho were under my government as earl ofKent: butinstead of obeying these ordersI answeredwith some warmththatthe English were not used to punish people unheardnor ought their rights andprivileges to be violated; that the accused should be first summoned -- ifguiltyshould make satisfaction both with body and estatebutif innocentshould be discharged. Addingwith great ferocitythat as earl of Kent it wasmy duty

 

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to protect those under my government against the insults of foreigners.

``This accident was extremely luckyas it gave my quarrelwith the king a popular colorand so ingratiated me with the peoplethat whenI set up my standardwhich I soon after didthey readily and cheerfully listedunder my banners and embraced my causewhich I persuaded them was their own;for that it was to protect them against foreigners that I had drawn my sword.The word foreigners with an Englishman hath a kind of magical effecttheyhaving the utmost hatred and aversion to themarising from the cruelties theysuffered from the Danes and some other foreign nations. No wonder therefore theyespoused my cause in a quarrel which had such a beginning.

``But what may be somewhat more remarkable isthat when Iafterwards returned to England from banishmentand was at the head of an armyof the Flemishwho were preparing to plunder the city of LondonI stillpersisted that I was come to defend the English from the danger of foreignersand gained their credit. Indeedthere is no lie so gross but it may be imposedon the people by those whom they esteem their patrons and defenders.

``The king saved his city by being reconciled to meandtaking again my daughterwhom he had put away from him; and thushavingfrightened the king into what concessions I thought properI dismissed my armyand fleetwith which I intendedcould I not have succeeded otherwiseto

 

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have sacked the city of London and ravaged the whole country.

``I was no sooner re-established in the king's favororwhatwas as well for methe appearance of itthan I fell violently on thearchbishop. He had of himself retired to his monastery in Normandy; but that didnot content me: I had him formally banishedthe see declared vacantand thenfilled up by another.

``I enjoyed my grandeur a very short time after my restorationto it; for the kinghating and fearing me to a very great degreeand findingno means of openly destroying meat last effected his purpose by poisonandthen spread abroad a ridiculous storyof my wishing the next morsel might chokeme if I had had any hand in the death of Alfred; andaccordinglythat the nextmorselby a divine judgmentstuck in my throat and performed that office.

``This of a statesman was one of my worst stages in the otherworld. It is a post subjected daily to the greatest danger and inquietudeandattended with little pleasure and less ease. In a wordit is a pill whichwasit not gilded over by ambitionwould appear nauseous and detestable in the eyeof every one; and perhaps that is one reason why Minos so greatly compassionatesthe case of those who swallow it: for that just judge told me he alwaysacquitted a prime minister who could produce one single good action in his wholelifelet him have committed ever so many crimes. IndeedI understood him alittle too largelyand was stepping towards the gate; but he pulled me

 

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by the sleeveandtelling me no prime minister ever entered therebid me goback again; sayinghe thought I had sufficient reason to rejoice in my escapingthe bottomless pitwhich half my crimes committed in any other capacity wouldhave entitled me to.''


 

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CHAPTER XXI

Julian's adventures in the post of a soldier.

``I WAS born at Caenin Normandy. My mother's name wasMatilda; as for my fatherI am not so certainfor the good woman on herdeath-bed assured me she herself could bring her guess to no greater certaintythan to five of duke William's captains. When I was no more than thirteen (beingindeed a surprising stout boy of my age) I enlisted into the army of dukeWilliamafterwards known by the name of William the Conquerorlanded with himat Pemesey or Pemseyin Sussexand was present at the famous battle ofHastings.

``At the first onset it was impossible to describe myconsternationwhich was heightened by the fall of two soldiers who stood by me;but this soon abatedand by degreesas my blood grew warmI thought no moreof my own safetybut fell on the enemy with great furyand did a good deal ofexecution; tillunhappilyI received a wound in my thighwhich rendered meunable to stand any longerso that I now lay among the deadand was constantlyexposed to the danger of being trampled to deathas well by my fellow-soldiersas by the enemy. HoweverI had the fortune to escape itand continued theremaining part of the day and the night following on the ground.

 

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``The next morningthe duke sending out parties to bring offthe woundedI was found almost expiring with loss of blood; notwithstandingwhichas immediate care was taken to dress my woundsyouth and a robustconstitution stood my friendsand I recovered after a long and tediousindispositionand was again able to use my limbs and do my duty.

``As soon as Dover was taken I was conveyed thither with allthe rest of the sick and wounded. Here I recovered of my wound; but fellafterwards into a violent fluxwhichwhen it departedleft me so weak that itwas long before I could regain my strength. And what most afflicted me wasthatduring my whole illnesswhen I languished under want as well as sicknessI haddaily the mortification to see and hear the riots and excess of myfellow-soldierswho had happily escaped safe from the battle.

``I was no sooner well than I was ordered into garrison atDover Castle. The officers here fared very indifferentlybut the private menmuch worse. We had great scarcity of provisionsandwhat was yet moreintolerablewere so closely confined for want of room (four of us being obligedto lie on the same bundle of straw)that many diedand most sickened.

``Here I had remained about four monthswhen one night wewere alarmed with the arrival of the earl of Boulognewho had come over privilyfrom Franceand endeavored to surprise the castle. The design provedineffectual; for the garrison making a brisk sallymost of his men were tumbled

 

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down the precipiceand he returned with a very few back to France. In thisactionhoweverI had the misfortune to come off with a broken arm; it was soshatteredthatbesides a great deal of pain and misery which I endured in mycureI was disabled for upwards of three months.

``Soon after my recovery I had contracted an amour with ayoung woman whose parents lived near the garrisonand were in much bettercircumstances than I had reason to expect should give their consent to thematch. Howeveras she was extremely fond of me (as I was indeed distractedlyenamored of her)they were prevailed on to comply with her desiresand the daywas fixed for our marriage.

``On the evening precedingwhile I was exulting with theeager expectation of the happiness I was the next day to enjoyI receivedorders to march early in the morning towards Windsorwhere a large army was tobe formedat the head of which the king intended to march into the west. Anyperson who hath ever been in love may easily imagine what I felt in my mind onreceiving those orders; and what still heightened my torments wasthat thecommanding officer would not permit any one to go out of the garrison thatevening; so that I had not even an opportunity of taking leave of my beloved.

``The morning came which was to have put me in the possessionof my wishes; butalas! the scene was now changedand all the hopes which Ihad raised were now so many ghosts to hauntand furies to torment me.

 

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``It was now the midst of winterand very severe weather forthe season; when we were obliged to make very long and fatiguing marchesinwhich we suffered all the inconveniences of cold and hunger. The night in whichI expected to riot in the arms of my beloved mistress I was obliged to take upwith a lodging on the groundexposed to the inclemencies of a rigid frost; norcould I obtain the least comfort of sleepwhich shunned me as its enemy. Inshortthe horrors of that night are not to be describedor perhaps imagined.They made such an impression on my soulthat I was forced to be dipped threetimes in the river Lethe to prevent my remembering it in the characters which Iafterwards performed in the flesh.''

Here I interrupted Julian for the first timeand told him nosuch dipping had happened to me in my voyage from one world to the other: but hesatisfied me by saying ``that this only happened to those spirits which returnedinto the fleshin order to prevent that reminiscence which Plato mentionsandwhich would otherwise cause great confusion in the other world.''

He then proceeded as follows: ``We continued a very laboriousmarch to Exeterwhich we were ordered to besiege. The town soon surrenderedand his majesty built a castle therewhich he garrisoned with his Normansandunhappily I had the misfortune to be one of the number.

``Here we were confined closer than I had been at Dover; foras the citizens were extremely disaffectedwe were never suffered to go withoutthe

 

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walls of the castle; nor indeed could weunless in large bodieswithout theutmost danger. We were likewise kept to continual dutynor could anysolicitations prevail with the commanding officer to give me a month's absenceto visit my lovefrom whom I had no opportunity of hearing in all my longabsence.

``Howeverin the springthe people being more quietandanother officer of a gentler temper succeeding to the principal commandIobtained leave to go to Dover; but alas! what comfort did my long journey bringme? I found the parents of my darling in the utmost misery at her loss; for shehad diedabout a week before my arrivalof a consumptionwhich they imputedto her pining at my sudden departure.

``I now fell into the most violent and almost raving fit ofdespair. I cursed myselfthe kingand the whole worldwhich no longer seemedto have any delight for me. I threw myself on the grave of my deceased loveandlay there without any kind of sustenance for two whole days. At last hungertogether with the persuasions of some people who took pity on meprevailed withme to quit that situationand refresh myself with food. They then persuaded meto return to my postand abandon a place where almost every object I sawrecalled ideas to my mind whichas they saidI should endeavor with my utmostforce to expel from it. This advice at length succeeded; the ratheras thefather and mother of my beloved refused to see melooking on me as the innocentbut certain cause of the death of their only child

 

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``The loss of one we tenderly loveas it is one of the mostbitter and biting evils which attend human lifeso it wants the lenitive whichpalliates and softens every other calamity; I mean that great relieverhope. Noman can be so totally undonebut that he may still cherish expectation: butthis deprives us of all such comfortnor can anything but time alone lessen it.Thishoweverin most mindsis sure to work a slow but effectual remedy; sodid it in mine: for within a twelve-month I was entirely reconciled to myfortuneand soon after absolutely forgot the object of a passion from which Ihad promised myself such extreme happinessand in the disappointment of which Ihad experienced such inconceivable misery.

``At the expiration of the month I returned to my garrison atExeter; where I was no sooner arrived than I was ordered to march into thenorthto oppose a force there levied by the earls of Chester andNorthumberland. We came to Yorkwhere his majesty pardoned the heads of therebelsand very severely punished some who were less guilty. It wasparticularly my lot to be ordered to seize a poor man who had never been out ofhis houseand convey him to prison. I detested this barbarityyet was obligedto execute it; naythough no reward would have bribed me in a private capacityto have acted such a partyet so much sanctity is there in the commands of amonarch or general to a soldierthat I performed it without reluctancenor hadthe tears of his wife and family any prevalence with me.

 

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``But thiswhich was a very small piece of mischief incomparison with many of my barbarities afterwardswas howeverthe only onewhich ever gave me any uneasiness; for when the king led us afterwards intoNorthumberland to revenge those people's having joined with Osborne the Dane inhis invasionand orders were given us to commit what ravages we couldI wasforward in fulfilling themandamong some lesser cruelties (I remember it yetwith sorrow)I ravished a womanmurdered a little infant playing in her lapand then burned her house. In shortfor I have no pleasure in this part of myrelationI had my share in all the cruelties exercised on those poor wretches;which were so grievousthat for sixty miles togetherbetween York and Durhamnot a single housechurchor any other public or private edificewas leftstanding.

``We had pretty well devoured the countrywhen we wereordered to march to the Isle of Elyto oppose Herewarda bold and stoutsoldierwho had under him a very large body of rebelswho had the impudence torise against their king and conqueror (I talk now in the same style I did then)in defense of their libertiesas they called them. These were soon subdued; butas I happened (more to my glory than my comfort) to be posted in that partthrough which Hereward cut his wayI received a dreadful cut on the foreheadasecond on the shoulderand was run through the body with a pike.

``I languished a long time with these woundswhich made meincapable of attending the king

 

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into Scotland. HoweverI was able to go over with him afterwards into Normandyin his expedition against Philipwho had taken the opportunity of the troublesin England to invade that province. Those few Normans who bad survived theirwoundsand had remained in the Isle of Elywere all of our nation who wentthe rest of his army being all composed of English. In a skirmish near the townof Mans my leg was broke and so shattered that it was forced to be cut off.

``I was now disabled from serving longer in the army; andaccordinglybeing discharged from the serviceI retired to the place of mynativitywherein extreme povertyand frequent bad health from the manywounds I had receivedI dragged on a miserable life to the age of sixty-three;my only pleasure being to recount the feats of my youthin which narratives Igenerally exceeded the truth.

``It would be tedious and unpleasant to recount to you theseveral miseries I suffered after my return to Caen; let it sufficethey wereso terrible that they induced Minos to compassionate meandnotwithstandingthe barbarities I had been guilty of in Northumberlandto suffer me to go oncemore back to earth.''


 

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CHAPTER XXII

What happened to Julian in the person of atailor.

``FORTUNE now stationed me in a character which theingratitude of mankind hath put them on ridiculingthough they owe to it notonly a relief from the inclemencies of coldto which they would otherwise beexposedbut likewise a considerable satisfaction of their vanity. The characterI mean was that of a tailor; whichif we consider it with due attentionmustbe confessed to have in it great dignity and importance. Forin realitywhoconstitutes the different degrees between men but the tailor? the prince indeedgives the titlebut it is the tailor who makes the man. To his labors are owingthe respect of crowdsand the awe which great men inspire into their beholdersthough these are too often unjustly attributed to other motives. Lastlytheadmiration of the fair is most commonly to be placed to his account.

``I was just set up in my trade when I made three suits offine clothes for king Stephen's coronation. I question whether the person whowears the rich coat hath so much pleasure and vanity in being admired in itaswe tailors have from that admiration; and perhaps a philosopher would say he isnot so well entitled to it. I bustled on the day of the ceremony through the

 

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crowdand it was with incredible delight I heard several sayas my clotheswalked by`Bless mewas ever anything so fine as the earl of Devonshire? Surehe and Sir Hugh Bigot are the two best dressed men I ever saw.' Now both thosesuits were of my making.

``There would indeed be infinite pleasure in working for thecourtiersas they are generally genteel menand show one's clothes to the bestadvantagewas it not for one small discouragement; this isthat they neverpay. I solemnly protestthough I lost almost as much by the court in my life asI got by the cityI never carried a suit into the latter with half thesatisfaction which I have done to the former; though from that I was certain ofready moneyand from this almost as certain of no money at all.

``Courtiers mayhoweverbe divided into two sortsveryessentially different from each other; into those who never intend to pay fortheir clothes; and those who do intend to pay for thembut never happen to beable. Of the latter sort are many of those young gentlemen whom we equip out forthe armyand who areunhappily for uscut off before they arrive atpreferment. This is the reason that tailorsin time of warare mistaken forpoliticians by their inquisitiveness into the event of battlesone campaignvery often proving the ruin of half-a-dozen of us. I am sure I had frequentreason to curse that fatal battle of Cardiganwhere the Welsh defeated some ofking Stephen's best troopsand where many a good suit of mine unpaid forfellto the ground.

 

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``The gentlemen of this honorable calling have fared muchbetter in later ages than when I was of it; for now it seems the fashion iswhen they apprehend their customer is not in the best circumstancesif they arenot paid as soon as they carry home the suitthey charge him in their book asmuch again as it is worthand then send a gentleman with a small scrip ofparchment to demand the money. If this be not immediately paid the gentlemantakes the beau with him to his housewhere he locks him up till the tailor iscontented: but in my time these scrips of parchment were not in use; and if thebeau disliked paying for his clothesas very often happenedwe had no methodof compelling him.

``In several of the characters which I have related to youIapprehend I have sometimes forgot myselfand considered myself as reallyinterested as I was when I personated them on earth. I have just now caughtmyself in the fact; for I have complained to you as bitterly of my customers asI formerly used to do when I was the tailor: but in realitythough there weresome few persons of very great qualityand some otherswho never paid theirdebtsyet those were but a fewand I had a method of repairing this loss. Mycustomers I divided under three heads: those who paid ready moneythose whopaid slowand those who never paid at all. The first of these I consideredapart by themselvesas persons by whom I got a certain but small profit. Thetwo last I lumped togethermaking those who paid slow contribute to repair mylosses by those who did not

 

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pay at all. Thusupon the wholeI was a very inconsiderable loserand mighthave left a fortune to my familyhad I not launched forth into expenses whichswallowed up all my gains. I had a wife and two children. These indeed I keptfrugally enoughfor I half starved them; but I kept a mistress in a finer wayfor whom I had a country-housepleasantly situated on the Thameselegantlyfitted up and neatly furnished. This woman might very properly be called mymistressfor she was most absolutely so; and though her tenure was no higherthan by my willshe domineered as tyrannically as if my chains had been rivetedin the strongest manner. To all this I submittednot through any adoration ofher beautywhich was indeed but indifferent. Her charms consisted in littlewantonnesseswhich she knew admirably well to use in hours of dallianceandwhichI believeare of all things the most delightful to a lover.

``She was so profusely extravagantthat it seemed as if shehad an actual intent to ruin me. This I am sure ofif such had been her realintentionshe could have taken no properer way to accomplish it; nayI myselfmight appear to have had the same view: forbesides this extravagant mistressand my country-houseI kept likewise a brace of huntersrather for that it wasfashionable so to do than for any great delight I took in the sportwhich Ivery little attended; not for want of leisurefor few noblemen had so much. Allthe work I ever did was taking measureand that only of my greatest and bestcustomers. I

 

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scare ever cut a piece of cloth in my lifenor was indeed much more able tofashion a coat than any gentleman in the kingdom. This made a skillful servanttoo necessary to me. He knew I must submit to any terms withor any treatmentfromhim. He knew it was easier for him to find another such a tailor as methan for me to procure such another workman as him: for this reason he exertedthe most notorious and cruel tyrannyseldom giving me a civil word; nor couldthe utmost condescension on my sidethough attended with continual presents andrewardsand raising his wagescontent or please him. In a wordhe was asabsolutely my master as was ever an ambitiousindustrious prime minister overan indolent and voluptuous king. All my other journeymen paid more respect tohim than to me; for they considered my favor as a necessary consequence ofobtaining his.

``These were the most remarkable occurrences while I actedthis part. Minos hesitated a few momentsand then bid me get back againwithout assigning any reason.''


 

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CHAPTER XXIII

The life of alderman Julian.

``I NOW revisited Englandand was born at London. My fatherwas one of the magistrates of that city. He had eleven childrenof whom I wasthe eldest. He had great success in tradeand grew extremely richbut thelargeness of his family rendered it impossible for him to leave me a fortunesufficient to live well on independent of business. I was accordingly brought upto be a fishmongerin which capacity I myself afterwards acquired veryconsiderable wealth.

``The same disposition of mind which in princes is calledambition is in subjects named faction. To this temper I was greatly addictedfrom my youth. I waswhile a boya great partisan of prince John's against hisbrother Richardduring the latter's absence in the holy war and in hiscaptivity. I was no more than one-and-twenty when I first began to makepolitical speeches in publicand to endeavor to foment disquietude anddiscontent in the city. As I was pretty well qualified for this officeby agreat fluency of wordsan harmonious accenta graceful deliveryand above allan invincible assuranceI had soon acquired some reputation among the youngercitizensand some of the weaker and more inconsiderate

 

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of a riper age. Thisco-operating with my own natural vanitymade meextravagantly proud and supercilious. I soon began to esteem myself a man ofsome consequenceand to overlook persons every way my superiors.

``The famous Robin Hoodand his companion Little Johnatthis time made a considerable figure in Yorkshire. I took upon me to write aletter to the formerin the name of the cityinviting him to come to Londonwhere I assured him of very good receptionsignifying to him my own greatweight and consequenceand how much I had disposed the citizens in his favor.Whether he received this letter or no I am not certain; but he never gave me anyanswer to it.

``A little afterwards one William Fitz-Osbornoras he wasnicknamedWilliam Long-Beardbegan to make a figure in the city. He was a boldand an impudent fellowand had raised himself to great popularity with therabbleby pretending to espouse their cause against the rich. I took this man'spartand made a public oration in his favorsetting him forth as a patriotand one who had embarked in the cause of liberty: for which service he did notreceive me with the acknowledgments I expected. Howeveras I thought I shouldeasily gain the ascendant over this fellowI continued still firm on his sidetill the archbishop of Canterburywith an armed forceput an end to hisprogress: for he was seized in Bowchurchwhere he had taken refugeand withnine of his accomplices hanged in chains.

``I escaped narrowly myself; for I was seized

 

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in the same church with the restandas I had been very considerably engagedin the enterprisethe archbishop was inclined to make me an example; but myfather's meritwho had advanced a considerable sum to queen Eleanor towards theking's ransompreserved me.

``The consternation my danger had occasioned kept me some timequietand I applied myself very assiduously to my trade. I invented all mannerof methods to enhance the price of fishand made use of my utmost endeavors toengross as much of the business as possible in my own hands. By these means Iacquired a substance which raised me to some little consequence in the citybutfar from elevating me to that degree which I had formerly flattered myself withpossessing at a time when I was totally insignificant; forin a tradingsocietymoney must at least lay the foundation of all power and interest.

``But as it hath been remarked that the same ambition whichsent Alexander into Asia brings the wrestler on the green; and as this sameambition is as incapable as quicksilver of lying still; so Iwho was possessedperhaps of a share equal to what hath fired the blood of any of the heroes ofantiquitywas no less restless and discontented with ease and quiet. My firstendeavors were to make myself head of my companywhich Richard I had justpublishedand soon afterwards I procured myself to be chosen alderman.

``Opposition is the only state which can give a subject anopportunity of exerting the disposition I was possessed of. AccordinglykingJohn was

 

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no sooner seated on his throne than I began to oppose his measureswhetherright or wrong. It is true that monarch had faults enow. He was so abandoned tolust and luxurythat he addicted himself to the most extravagant excesses inbothwhile he indolently suffered the king of France to rob him of almost allhis foreign dominions: my opposition therefore was justifiable enoughand if mymotive from within had been as good as the occasion from without I should havehad little to excuse; butin truthI sought nothing but my own prefermentbymaking myself formidable to the kingand then selling to him the interest ofthat party by whose means I had become so. Indeedhad the public good been mycarehowever zealously I might have opposed the beginning of his reignIshould not have scrupled to lend him my utmost assistance in this strugglebetween him and pope Innocent the thirdin which he was so manifestly in theright; nor have suffered the insolence of that popeand the power of the kingof Franceto have compelled him in the issuebasely to resign his crown intothe hands of the formerand receive it again as a vassal; by means of whichacknowledgment the pope afterwards claimed this kingdom as a tributary fief tobe held of the papal chair; a claim which occasioned great uneasiness to manysubsequent princesand brought numberless calamities on the nation.

``As the king hadamong other concessionsstipulated to payan immediate sum of money to Pandulphwhich he had great difficulty to raiseit was absolutely necessary for him to apply to the

 

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citywhere my interest and popularity were so high that he had no hopes withoutmy assistance. As I knew thisI took care to sell myself and country as high aspossible. The terms I demandedthereforewere a placea pensionand aknighthood. All those were immediately consented to. I was forthwith knightedand promised the other two.

``I now mounted the hustingsandwithout any regard todecency or modestymade as emphatical a speech in favor of the king as before Ihad done against him. In this speech I justified all those measures which I hadbefore condemnedand pleaded as earnestly with my fellow-citizens to open theirpursesas I had formerly done to prevail with them to keep them shut. Butalas! my rhetoric had not the effect I proposed. The consequence of my argumentswas only contempt to myself. The people at first stared on one anotherandafterwards began unanimously to express their dislike. An impudent fellow amongthemreflecting on my tradecried out`Stinking fish;' which was immediatelyreiterated through the whole crowd. I was then forced to slink away home; but Iwas not able to accomplish my retreat without being attended by the mobwhohuzza'd me along the street with the repeated cries of `Stinking fish.'

``I now proceeded to courtto inform his majesty of myfaithful serviceand how much I had suffered in his cause. I found by my firstreception he had already heard of my success. Instead of thanking me for myspeechhe said the city

 

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should repent of their obstinacyfor that he would show them who he was: and sosayinghe immediately turned that part to me to which the toe of man hath sowonderful an affectionthat it is very difficultwhenever it presents itselfconvenientlyto keep our toes from the most violent and ardent salutation ofit.

``I was a little nettled at this behaviorand with someearnestness claimed the king's fulfilling his promise; but he retired withoutanswering me. I then applied to some of the courtierswho had lately professedgreat friendship to mehad eat at my houseand invited me to theirs: but notone would return me any answerall running away from me as if I had been seizedwith some contagious distemper. I now found by experiencethat as none can beso civilso none can be ruder than a courtier.

``A few moments after the king's retiring I was left alone inthe room to consider what I should do or whither I should turn myself. Myreception in the city promised itself to be equal at least with what I found atcourt. Howeverthere was my homeand thither it was necessary I should retreatfor the present.

``Butindeedbad as I apprehended my treatment in the citywould beit exceeded my expectation. I rode home on an ambling pad throughcrowds who expressed every kind of disregard and contempt; pelting me not onlywith the most abusive languagebut with dirt. Howeverwith much difficulty Iarrived at last at my own housewith my bones wholebut covered over withfilth.

 

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``When I was got within my doorsand had shut them againstthe mobwho had pretty well vented their spleenand seemed now contented toretiremy wifewhom I found crying over her childrenand from whom I hadhoped some comfort in my afflictionsfell upon me in the most outrageousmanner. She asked me why I would venture on such a stepwithout consulting her;she said her advice might have been civilly askedif I was resolved not to havebeen guided by it. Thatwhatever opinion I might have conceived of herunderstandingthe rest of the world thought better of it. That I had neverfailed when I had asked her counselnor ever succeeded without it; -- with muchmore of the same kindtoo tedious to mention; concluding that it was amonstrous behavior to desert my party and come over to the court. An abuse whichI took worse than all the restas she had been constantly for several yearsassiduous in railing at the oppositionin siding with the court-partyandbegging me to come over to it; and especially after my mentioning the offer ofknighthood to hersince which time she had continually interrupted my reposewith dinning in my ears the folly of refusing honors and of adhering to a partyand to principles by which I was certain of procuring no advantage to myself andmy family.

``I had now entirely lost my tradeso that I had not theleast temptation to stay longer in a city where I was certain of receiving dailyaffronts and rebukes. I therefore made up my affairs with the utmost expeditionandscraping together

 

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all I couldretired into the countrywhere I spent the remainder of my days inuniversal contemptbeing shunned by everybodyperpetually abused by my wifeand not much respected by my children.

``Minos told methough I had been a very vile fellowhethought my sufferings made some atonementand so bid me take the other trial.''


 

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CHAPTER XXIV

Julian recounts what happened to him while hewas a poet.

``ROME was now the seat of my nativitywhere I was born of afamily more remarkable for honor than riches. I was intended for the churchandhad a pretty good education; but my father dying while I was youngand leavingme nothingfor he had wasted his whole patrimonyI was forced to enter myselfin the order of mendicants.

``When I was at school I had a knack of rhymingwhich Iunhappily mistook for geniusand indulged to my cost; for my verses drew on meonly ridiculeand I was in contempt called the poet.

``This humor pursued me through my life. My first compositionafter I left school was a panegyric on pope Alexander IVwho then pretended aproject of dethroning the king of Sicily. On this subject I composed a poem ofabout fifteen thousand lineswhich with much difficulty I got to be presentedto his holinessof whom I expected great preferment as my reward; but I wascruelly disappointed: for when I had waited a yearwithout hearing any of thecommendations I had flattered myself with receivingand being now able tocontain no longerI applied to a Jesuit who was my relationand had the pope'searto know what his holiness's opinion was of my work: he coldly

 

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answered me that he was at that time busied in concerns of too much importanceto attend the reading of poems.

``However dissatisfied I might beand really waswith thisreceptionand however angry I was with the pope? for whose understanding Ientertained an immoderate contemptI was not yet discouraged from a secondattempt. AccordinglyI soon after produced another workentitledThe TrojanHorse. This was an allegorical workin which the church was introduced into theworld in the same manner as that machine had been into Troy. The priests werethe soldiers in its bellyand the heathen superstition the city to be destroyedby them. This poem was written in Latin. I remember some of the lines: --

Mundanos scandit fatalis machina murosFarta sacerdotumturmis: exinde per alvum Visi exire omnesmagno cum murmure olentes. Nonaliter quam cum humanis furibundus ab antris It sonus et nares simul aurainvadit hiantes. Mille scatent et mille alii; trepidare timore Ethnica genscoepit: falsi per inane volantes Effugere Dei -- Desertaque templa relinquunt.Jam magnum crepitavit equusmox orbis et alti Ingemuere poli: tunc tu paterultimus omnium Maxime Alexanderventrem maturus equinum Deserisheu prolesmeliori digne parente.''

I believe Julianhad I not stopped himwould have gonethrough the whole poem (foras I observed in most of the characters he relatedthe affections he had enjoyed while he personated them on earth still made someimpression on

 

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him); but I begged him to omit the sequel of the poemand proceed with hishistory. He then recollected himselfandsmiling at the observation which byintuition he perceived I had madecontinued his narration as follows: --

``I confess to you'' says he``that the delight in repeatingour own works is so predominant in a poetthat I find nothing can totally rootit out of the soul. Happy would it be for those persons if their hearers couldbe delighted in the same manner: but alas! hence that ingens solitudo complainedof by Horace: for the vanity of mankind is so much greedier and more generalthan their avaricethat no beggar is so ill received by them as he who solicitstheir praise.

``This I sufficiently experienced in the character of a poet;for my company was shunned (I believe on this account chiefly) by my wholehouse: naythere were few who would submit to hearing me read my poetryevenat the price of sharing in my provisions. The only person who gave me audiencewas a brother poet; he indeed fed me with commendation very liberally: butas Iwas forced to hear and commend in my turnI perhaps bought his attention dearenough.

``Wellsirif my expectations of the reward I hoped from myfirst poem had balked meI had now still greater reason to complain; forinstead of being preferred or commended for the secondI was enjoined a verysevere penance by my superiorfor ludicrously comparing the pope to a f -- t.My poetry was now the jest of every companyexcept some few who spoke of itwith detestation;

 

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and I found thatinstead of recommending me to prefermentit had effectuallybarred me from all probability of attaining it.

``These discouragements had now induced me to lay down my penand write no more. Butas Juvenal says-- Si discedasLaqueo tenet ambitiosiConsuetudo mali. I was an example of the truth of this assertionfor I soonbetook myself again to my muse. Indeeda poet hath the same happiness with aman who is dotingly fond of an ugly woman. The one enjoys his museand theother his mistresswith a pleasure very little abated by the esteem of theworldand only undervalues their taste for not corresponding with his own.

``It is unnecessary to mention any more of my poems; they hadall the same fate; and though in reality some of my latter pieces deserved (Imay now speak it without the imputation of vanity) a better successas I hadthe character of a bad writerI found it impossible ever to obtain thereputation of a good one. Had I possessed the merit of Homer I could have hopedfor no applause; since it must have been a profound secret; for no one would nowread a syllable of my writings.

``The poets of my age wereas I believe you knownot veryfamous. Howeverthere was one of some credit at that timethough I have theconsolation to know his works are all perished long ago. The maliceenvyandhatred I bore this

 

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man are inconceivable to any but an authorand an unsuccessful one; I nevercould bear to hear him well spoken ofand writ anonymous satires against himthough I had received obligations from him; indeed I believe it would have beenan absolute impossibility for him at any rate to have made me sincerely hisfriend.

``I have heard an observation which was made by some one oflater daysthat there are no worse men than bad authors. A remark of the samekind hath been made on ugly womenand the truth of both stands on one and thesame reasonviz.that they are both tainted with that cursed and detestablevice of envy; whichas it is the greatest torment to the mind it inhabitssois it capable of introducing into it a total corruptionand of inspiring it tothe commission of the most horrid crimes imaginable.

``My life was but short; for I soon pined myself to death withthe vice I just now mentioned. Minos told me I was infinitely too bad forElysium; and as for the other placethe devil had sworn he would neverentertain a poet for Orpheus's sake: so I was forced to return again to theplace from whence I came.''


 

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CHAPTER XXV

Julian performs the parts of a knight and adancing-master.

``I NOW mounted the stage in Sicilyand became aknight-templar; butas my adventures differ so little from those I haverecounted you in the character of a common soldierI shall not tire you withrepetition. The soldier and the captain differ in reality so little from oneanotherthat it requires an accurate judgment to distinguish them; the latterwears finer clothesand in times of success lives somewhat more delicately; butas to everything elsethey very nearly resemble one another.

``My next step was into Francewhere fortune assigned me thepart of a dancing-master. I was so expert in my profession that I was brought tocourt in my youthand had the heels of Philip de Valoiswho afterwardssucceeded Charles the Faircommitted to my direction.

``I do not remember that in any of the characters in which Iappeared on earth I ever assumed to myself a greater dignityor thought myselfof more real importancethan now. I looked on dancing as the greatestexcellence of human natureand on myself as the greatest proficient in it. Andindeedthis seemed to be the general opinion of the whole court; for I was thechief instructor of the youth of both sexeswhose merit

 

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was almost entirely defined by the advances they made in that science which Ihad the honor to profess. As to myselfI was so fully persuaded of this truththat I not only slighted and despised those who were ignorant of dancingbut Ithought the highest character I could give any man was that he made a gracefulbow: for want of which accomplishment I had a sovereign contempt for mostpersons of learning; nayfor some officers in the armyand a few even of thecourtiers themselves.

``Though so little of my youth had been thrown away in whatthey call literature that I could hardly write and readyet I composed atreatise on education; the first rudiments of whichas I taughtwere toinstruct a child in the science of coming handsomely into a room. In this Icorrected many faults of my predecessorsparticularly that of being too much ina hurryand instituting a child in the sublimer parts of dancing before theyare capable of making their honors.

``But as I have not now the same high opinion of my professionwhich I had thenI shall not entertain you with a long history of a life whichconsisted of borées and coupées. Let it suffice that I lived to a very old ageand followed my business as long as I could crawl. At length I revisited my oldfriend Minoswho treated me with very little respect and bade me dance backagain to earth.

``I did soand was now once more born an Englishmanbred upto the churchand at length arrived to the station of a bishop.

 

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``Nothing was so remarkable in this character as my alwaysvoting -- 10.''



[10] Here part of the manuscript is lostand that a very considerable oneasappears by the number of the next book and chapterwhich containsI findthehistory of Anna Boleyn; but as to the manner in which it was introducedor towhom the narrative is toldwe are totally left in the dark. I have only toremarkthat this chapter isin the originalwrit in a woman's hand: andthough the observations in it areI thinkas excellent as any in the wholevolumethere seems to be a difference in style between this and the precedingchapters; andas it is the character of a woman which is relatedI am inclinedto fancy it was really written by one of that sex.

 

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BOOK XIX

CHAPTER VII

Wherein Anna Boleyn relates the history of herlife.

``I AM going now truly to recount a life which from the timeof its ceasing has beenin the other worldthe continual subject of the cavilsof contending parties; the one making me as black as hellthe other as pure andinnocent as the inhabitants of this blessed place; the mist of prejudiceblinding their eyesand zeal for what they themselves professmakingeverything appear in that light which they think most conduces to its honor.

``My infancy was spent in my father's housein those childishplays which are most suitable to that stateand I think this was one of thehappiest parts of my life; for my parents were not among the number of those wholook upon their children as so many objects of a tyrannic powerbut I wasregarded as the dear pledge of a virtuous loveand all my little pleasures werethought from their indulgence their greatest delight. At seven years old I wascarried into France with the king's sisterwho was married to the French kingwhere I lived with a person of qualitywho was an acquaintance of my father's.I spent my time in learning those things necessary to give young persons

 

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of fashion a polite educationand did neither good nor evilbut day passedafter day in the same easy way till I was fourteen; then began my anxietymyvanity grew strongand my heart fluttered with joy at every compliment paid tomy beauty: and as the lady with whom I lived was of a gaycheerful dispositionshe kept a great deal of companyand my youth and charms made me the continualobject of their admiration. I passed some little time in those exulting raptureswhich are felt by every woman perfectly satisfied with herself and with thebehavior of others towards her: I waswhen very youngpromoted to be maid ofhonor to her majesty. The court was frequented by a young nobleman whose beautywas the chief subject of conversation in all assemblies of ladies. The delicacyof his personadded to a great softness in his mannergave everything he saidand did such an air of tendernessthat every woman he spoke to flatteredherself with being the object of his love. I was one of those who was vainenough of my own charms to hope to make a conquest of him whom the whole courtsighed for. I now thought every other object below my notice; yet the onlypleasure I proposed to myself in this design wasthe triumphing over that heartwhich I plainly saw all the ladies of the highest quality and the greatestbeauty would have been proud of possessing. I was yet too young to be veryartful; but naturewithout any assistancesoon discovers to a man who is usedto gallantry a woman's desire to be liked by himwhether that desire arisesfrom any particular

 

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choice she makes of himor only from vanity. He soon perceived my thoughtsandgratified my utmost wishes by constantly preferring me before all other womenand exerting his utmost gallantry and address to engage my affections. Thissudden happinesswhich I then thought the greatest I could have hadappearedvisible in all my actions; I grew so gay and so full of vivacity that it made myperson appear still to a better advantageall my acquaintance pretending to befonder of me than ever: thoughyoung as I wasI plainly saw it was butpretensefor through all their endeavors to the contrary envy would often breakforth in sly insinuations and malicious sneerswhich gave me fresh matter oftriumphand frequent opportunities of insulting themwhich I never let slipfor now first my female heart grew sensible of the spiteful pleasure of seeinganother languish for what I enjoyed. Whilst I was in the height of my happinessher majesty fell ill of a languishing distemperwhich obliged her to go intothe country for the change of air: my place made it necessary for me to attendherand which way he brought it about I can't imaginebut my young hero foundmeans to be one of that small train that waited on my royal mistressalthoughshe went as privately as possible. Hitherto all the interviews I had ever hadwith him were in publicand I only looked on him as the fitter object to feedthat pride which had no other view but to show its power; but now the scene wasquite changed. My rivalswere all at a distance: the place we went to was ascharming as the most

 

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agreeable natural situationassisted by the greatest artcould make it; thepleasant solitary walks the singing of birdsthe thousand pretty romanticscenes this delightful place affordedgave a sudden turn to my mind; my wholesoul was melted into softnessand all my vanity was fled. My spark was too muchused to affairs of this nature not to perceive this change; at first the profusetransports of his joy made me believe him wholly mineand this belief gave mesuch happiness that no language affords words to express itand can be onlyknown to those who have felt it. But this was of a very short durationfor Isoon found I had to do with one of those men whose only end in the pursuit of awoman is to make her fall a victim to an insatiable desire to be admired. Hisdesigns had succeededand now he every day grew colderandas if byinfatuationmy passion every day increased; andnotwithstanding all myresolutions and endeavors to the contrarymy rage at the disappointment at onceboth of my love and prideand at the finding a passion fixed in my breast Iknew not how to conquerbroke out into that inconsistent behavior which mustalways be the consequence of violent passions. One moment I reproached himthenext I grew to tenderness and blamed myselfand thought I fancied what was nottrue: he saw my struggle and triumphed in it; butas he had not witnessesenough there of his victory to give him the full enjoyment of ithe grew wearyof the country and returned to Parisand left me in a condition it is utterlyimpossible to describe. My mind was like a city

 

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up in armsall confusion; and every new thought was a fresh disturber of mypeace. Sleep quite forsook meand the anxiety I suffered threw me into a feverwhich had like to have cost me my life. With great care I recoveredbut theviolence of the distemper left such a weakness on my body that the disturbanceof my mind was greatly assuaged; and now I began to comfort myself in thereflection that this gentleman's being a finished coquette was very likely theonly thing could have preserved me; for he was the only man from whom I was everin any danger. By that time I was got tolerably well we returned to Paris; and Iconfess I both wished and feared to see this cause of all my pain: howeverIhopedby the help of my resentmentto be able to meet him with indifference.This employed my thoughts till our arrival. The next day there was a very fullcourt to congratulate the queen on her recovery; and amongst the rest my loveappeared dressed and adorned as if he designed some new conquest. Instead ofseeing a woman he despised and slightedhe approached me with that assured airwhich is common to successful coxcombs. At the same time I perceived I wassurrounded by all those ladies who were on his account my greatest enemiesandin revengewished for nothing more than to see me make a ridiculous figure.This situation so perplexed my thoughtsthat when he came near enough to speakto meI fainted away in his arms. Had I studied which way I could gratify himmostit was impossible to have done anything to have pleased him more. Somethat

 

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stood by brought smelling-bottlesand used means for my recovery; and I waswelcomed to returning life by all those repartees which women enraged by envyare capable of venting. One cried `WellI never thought my lord had anything sofrightful in his person or so fierce in his manner as to strike a young ladydead at the sight of him.' `Nono' says another`some ladies' senses are moreapt to be hurried by agreeable than disagreeable objects.' With many more suchsort of speeches which showed more malice than wit. This not being able to beartremblingand with but just strength enough to moveI crawled to my coach andhurried home. When I was aloneand thought on what had happened to me in apublic courtI was at first driven to the utmost despair; but afterwardswhenI came to reflectI believe this accident contributed more to my being cured ofmy passion than any other could have done. I began to think the only method topique the man who had used me so barbarouslyand to be revenged on my spitefulrivalswas to recover that beauty which was then languid and had lost itslusterto let them see I had still charms enough to engage as many lovers as Icould desireand that I could yet rival them who had thus cruelly insulted me.These pleasing hopes revived my sinking spirits. and worked a more effectualcure on me than all the philosophy and advice of the wisest men could have done.I now employed all my time and care in adorning my personand studying thesurest means of engaging the affections of otherswhile I myself continuedquite indifferent;

 

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for I resolved for the futureif ever one soft thought made its way to myheartto fly the object of itand by new lovers to drive the image from mybreast. I consulted my glass every morningand got such a command of mycountenance that I could suit it to the different tastes of variety of lovers;and though I was youngfor I was not yet above seventeenyet my public way oflife gave me such continual opportunities of conversing with menand the strongdesire I now had of pleasing them led me to make such constant observations oneverything they said or didthat I soon found out the different methods ofdealing with them. I observed that most men generally liked in women what wasmost opposite to their own characters; therefore to the grave solid man of senseI endeavored to appear sprightly and full of spirit; to the witty and gaysoftand languishing; to the amorous (for they want no increase of their passions)cold and reserved; to the fearful and backwardwarm and full of fire; and so ofall the rest. As to beauxand all of those sort of menwhose desires arecentered in the satisfaction of their vanityI had learned by sad experiencethe only way to deal with them was to laugh at them and let their own goodopinion of themselves be the only support of their hopes. I knewwhile I couldget other followersI was sure of them; for the only sign of modesty they evergive is that of not depending on their own judgmentsbut following the opinionsof the greatest number. Thus furnished with maximsand grown wise by pasterrorsI in a

 

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manner began the world again: I appeared in all public places handsomer and morelively than everto the amazement of every one who saw me and had heard of theaffair between me and my lord. He himself was much surprised and vexed at thissudden changenor could he account how it was possible for me so soon to shakeoff those chains he thought he had fixed on me for life; nor was he willing tolose his conquest in this manner. He endeavored by all means possible to talk tome again of lovebut I stood fixed to my resolution (in which I was greatlyassisted by the crowd of admirers that daily surrounded me) never to let himexplain himself: fornotwithstanding all my prideI found the first impressionthe heart receives of love is so strong that it requires the most vigilant careto prevent a relapse. Now I lived three years in a constant round of diversionsand was made the perfect idol of all the men that came to court of all ages andall characters. I had several good matches offered mebut I thought none ofthem equal to my merit; and one of my greatest pleasures was to see those womenwho had pretended to rival me often glad to marry those whom I had refused. Yetnotwithstanding this great success of my schemesI cannot say I was perfectlyhappy; for every woman that was taken the least notice ofand every man thatwas insensible to my artsgave me as much pain as all the rest gave mepleasure; and sometimes little underhand plots which were laid against mydesigns would succeed in spite of my care: so that I really began to grow wearyof this

 

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manner of lifewhen my fatherreturning from his embassy in Francetook mehome with himand carried me to a little pleasant country-housewhere therewas nothing grand or superfluousbut everything neat and agreeable. There I leda life perfectly solitary. At first the time hung very heavy on my handsand Iwanted all kind of employmentand I had very like to have fallen into theheight of the vaporsfrom no other reason but from want of knowing what to dowith myself. But when I had lived here a little time I found such a calmness inmy mindand such a difference between this and the restless anxieties I hadexperienced in a courtthat I began to share the tranquillity that visiblyappeared in everything round me. I set myself to do works of fancyand to raiselittle flower-gardenswith many such innocent rural amusements; whichalthoughthey are not capable of affording any great pleasureyet they give that sereneturn to the mind which I think much preferable to anything else human nature ismade susceptible of. I now resolved to spend the rest of my days hereand thatnothing should allure me from that sweet retirementto be again tossed aboutwith tempestuous passions of any kind. Whilst I was in this situationmy lordPercythe earl of Northumberland's eldest sonby an accident of losing his wayafter a fox-chasewas met by my fatherabout a mile from our house; he camehome with himonly with a design of dining with usbut was so taken with methat he stayed three days. I had too much experience in all affairs of this kindnot to

 

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see presently the influence I had on him; but I was at that time so entirelyfree from all ambitionthat even the prospect of being a countess had no effecton me; and I then thought nothing in the world could have bribed me to havechanged my way of life. This young lordwho was just in his bloomfound hispassion so stronghe could not endure a long absencebut returned again in aweekand endeavoredby all the means he could think ofto engage me to returnhis affection. He addressed me with that tenderness and respect which women onearth think can flow from nothing but real love; and very often told me thatunless he could be so happy as by his assiduity and care to make himselfagreeable to mealthough he knew my father would eagerly embrace any proposalfrom himyet he would suffer that last of miseries of never seeing me morerather than owe his own happiness to anything that might be the leastcontradiction to my inclinations. This manner of proceeding had something in itso noble and generousthat by degrees it raised a sensation in me which I knownot how to describenor by what name to call it: it was nothing like my formerpassion: for there was no turbulenceno uneasy waking nights attending itbutall I could with honor grant to oblige him appeared to me to be justly due tohis truth and loveand more the effect of gratitude than of any desire of myown. The character I had heard of him from my father at my first returning toEnglandin discoursing of the young nobilityconvinced me that if I was hiswife I should have the perpetual satisfaction

 

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of knowing every action of his must be approved by all the sensible part ofmankind; so that very soon I began to have no scruple left but that of leavingmy little scene of quietnessand venturing again into the world. But thisbyhis continual application and submissive behaviorby degrees entirely vanishedand I agreed he should take his own time to break it to my fatherwhose consenthe was not long in obtaining; for such a match was by no means to be refused.There remained nothing now to be done but to prevail with the earl ofNorthumberland to comply with what his son so ardently desired; for whichpurpose he set out immediately for Londonand begged it as the greatest favorthat I would accompany my fatherwho was also to go thither the week following.I could not refuse his requestand as soon as we arrived in town he flew to mewith the greatest raptures to inform me his father was so good thatfinding hishappiness depended on his answerhe had given him free leave to act in thisaffair as would best please himselfand that he had now no obstacle to preventhis wishes. It was then the beginning of the winterand the time for ourmarriage was fixed for the latter end of March: the consent of all parties madehis access to me very easyand we conversed together both with innocence andpleasure. As his fondness was so great that he contrived all the methodspossible to keep me continually in his sighthe told me one morning he wascommanded by his father to attend him to court that eveningand begged I wouldbe so good as to meet him there. I was

 

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now so used to act as he would have me that I made no difficulty of complyingwith his desire. Two days after thisI was very much surprised at perceivingsuch a melancholy in his countenanceand alteration in his behavioras I couldno way account for; butby importunityat last I got from him that cardinalWolseyfor what reason he knew nothad peremptorily forbid him to think anymore of me: andwhen he urged that his father was not displeased with itthecardinalin his imperious manneranswered himhe should give his father suchconvincing reasons why it would be attended with great inconveniencesthat hewas sure he could bring him to be of his opinion. On which he turned from himand gave him no opportunity of replying. I could not imagine what design thecardinal could have in intermeddling in this matchand I was still moreperplexed to find that my father treated my lord Percy with much more coldnessthan usual; he too saw itand we both wondered what could possibly be the causeof all this. But it was not long before the mystery was all made clear by myfatherwhosending for me one day into his chamberlet me into a secret whichwas as little wished for as expected. He began with the surprising effects ofyouth and beautyand the madness of letting go those advantages they mightprocure us till it was too latewhen we might wish in vain to bring them backagain. I stood amazed at this beginning; he saw my confusionand bid me sitdown and attend to what he was going to tell mewhich was of the greatestconsequence; and he hoped I would

 

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be wise enough to take his adviceand act as he should think best for my futurewelfare. He then asked me if I should not be much pleased to be a queen? Iansweredwith the greatest earnestnessthatso far from itI would not livein a court again to be the greatest queen in the world; that I had a lover whowas both desirous and able to raise my station even beyond my wishes. I foundthis discourse was very displeasing; my father frownedand called me a romanticfooland said if I would hearken to him he could make me a queen; for thecardinal had told him that the kingfrom the time he saw me at court the othernightliked meand intended to get a divorce from his wifeand to put me inher place; and ordered him to find some method to make me a maid of honor to herpresent majestythat in the meantime he might have an opportunity of seeing me.It is impossible to express the astonishment these words threw me into; andnotwithstanding that the moment beforewhen it appeared at so great a distanceI was very sincere in my declaration how much it was against my will to beraised so highyet now the prospect came nearerI confess my heart flutteredand my eyes were dazzled with a view of being seated on a throne. My imaginationpresented before me all the pomppower and greatness that attend a crown; and Iwas so perplexed I knew not what to answerbut remained as silent as if I hadlost the use of my speech. My fatherwho guessed what it was that made me inthis conditionproceeded to bring all the arguments he thought most likely tobend me to his

 

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will; at last I recovered from this dream of grandeurand begged himby allthe most endearing names I could think ofnot to urge me dishonorably toforsake the man who I was convinced would raise me to an empire if in his powerand who had enough in his power to give me all I desired. But he was deaf to allI could sayand insisted that by next week I should prepare myself to go tocourt: he bid me consider of itand not prefer a ridiculous notion of honor tothe real interest of my whole family; butabove all thingsnot to disclosewhat he had trusted me with. On which he left me to my own thoughts. When I wasalone I reflected how little real tenderness this behavior showed to mewhosehappiness he did not at all consultbut only looked on me as a ladderon whichhe could climb to the height of his own ambitious desires: and when I thought onhis fondness for me in my infancy I could impute it to nothing but either theliking me as a plaything or the gratification of his vanity in my beauty. But Iwas too much divided between a crown and my engagement to lord Percy to spendmuch time in thinking of anything else; andalthough my father had positivelyforbid meyetwhen he came nextI could not help acquainting him with allthat had passedwith the reserve only of the struggle in my own mind on thefirst mention of being a queen. I expected he would have received the news withthe greatest agonies; but he showed no vast emotion: howeverhe could not helpturning paleandtaking me by the handlooked at me with an air oftendernessand said

 

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`If being a queen would make you happyand it is in your power to be soIwould not for the world prevent itlet me suffer what I will.' This amazinggreatness of mind had on me quite the contrary effect from what it ought to havehad; forinstead of increasing my love for him it almost put an end to itandI began to thinkif he could part with methe matter was not much. And I amconvincedwhen any man gives up the possession of a woman whose consent he hasonce obtainedlet his motive be ever so generoushe will disoblige her. Icould not help showing my dissatisfactionand told him I was very glad thisaffair sat so easily on him. He had not power to answerbut was so suddenlystruck with this unexpected ill-natured turn I gave his behaviorthat he stoodamazed for some timeand then bowed and left me. Now I was again left to my ownreflections; but to make anything intelligible out of them is quite impossible:I wished to be a queenand wished I might not be one: I would have my lordPercy happy without me; and yet I would not have the power of my charms be soweak that he could bear the thought of life after being disappointed in my love.But the result of all these confused thoughts was a resolution to obey myfather. I am afraid there was not much duty in the casethough at that time Iwas glad to take hold of that small shadow to save me from looking on my ownactions in the true light. When my lover came again I looked on him with thatcoldness that he could not bearon purpose to rid myself of all importunity:for since I had

 

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resolved to use him ill I regarded him as the monument of my shameand hisevery look appeared to me to upbraid me. My father soon carried me to court;there I had no very hard part to act; forwith the experience I had had ofmankindI could find no great difficulty in managing a man who liked meandfor whom I not only did not care but had an utter aversion to: but this aversionhe believed to be virtue; for how credulous is a man who has an inclination tobelieve! And I took care sometimes to drop words of cottages and loveand howhappy the woman was who fixed her affections on a man in such a station of lifethat she might show her love without being suspected of hypocrisy or mercenaryviews. All this was swallowed very easily by the amorous kingwho pushed on thedivorce with the utmost impetuosityalthough the affair lasted a good whileand I remained most part of the time behind the curtain. Whenever the kingmentioned it to me I used such arguments against it as I thought the most likelyto make him the more eager for it; begging thatunless his conscience wasreally touchedhe would not on my account give any grief to his virtuous queen;for in being her handmaid I thought myself highly honored; and that I would notonly forego a crownbut even give up the pleasure of ever seeing him morerather than wrong my royal mistress. This way of talkingjoined to his eagerdesire to possess my personconvinced the king so strongly of my exalted meritthat he thought it a meritorious act to displace the woman (whom

 

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he could not have so good an opinion ofbecause he was tired of her)and toput me in her place. After about a year's stay at courtas the king's love tome began to be talked ofit was thought proper to remove methat there mightbe no umbrage given to the queen's party. I was forced to comply with thisthough greatly against my will; for I was very jealous that absence might changethe king's mind. I retired again with my father to his country-seatbut it hadno longer those charms for me which I once enjoyed there; for my mind was nowtoo much taken up with ambition to make room for any other thoughts. During mystay heremy royal lover often sent gentlemen to me with messages and letterswhich I always answered in the manner I thought would best bring about mydesignswhich were to come back again to court. In all the letters that passedbetween us there was something so kingly and commanding in hisand so deceitfuland submissive in minethat I sometimes could not help reflecting on thedifference betwixt this correspondence and that with lord Percy; yet I was sopressed forward by the desire of a crownI could not think of turning back. Inall I wrote I continually praised his resolution of letting me be at a distancefrom himsince at this time it conduced indeed to my honor; butwhat was often times more weight with meI thought it was necessary for his; and I wouldsooner suffer anything in the world than be any means of hurt to himeither inhis interest or reputation. I always gave some hints of ill healthwith somereflections

 

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how necessary the peace of the mind was to that of the body. By these means Ibrought him to recall me again by the most absolute commandwhich Ifor alittle timeartfully delayed (for I knew the impatience of his temper would notbear any contradictions)till he made my father in a manner force me to what Imost wishedwith the utmost appearance of reluctance on my side. When I hadgained this point I began to think which way I could separate the king from thequeenfor hitherto they lived in the same house. The lady Marythe queen'sdaughterbeing then about sixteenI sought for emissaries of her own age thatI could confide into instill into her mind disrespectful thoughts of herfatherand make a jest of the tenderness of his conscience about the divorce. Iknew she had naturally strong passionsand that young people of that age areapt to think those that pretend to be their friends are really soand onlyspeak their minds freely. I afterwards contrived to have every word she spoke ofhim carried to the kingwho took it all as I could wishand fancied thosethings did not come at first from the young ladybut from her mother. He wouldoften talk of it to meand I agreed with him in his sentiments; but thenas agreat proof of my goodnessI always endeavored to excuse herby saying a ladyso long time used to be a royal queen might naturally be a little exasperatedwith those she fancied would throw her from that station she so justly deserved.By these sort of plots I found the way to make the king angry with the

 

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queen; for nothing is easier than to make a man angry with a woman he wants tobe rid ofand who stands in the way between him and his pleasure; so that nowthe kingon the pretense of the queen's obstinacy in a point where hisconscience was so tenderly concernedparted with her. Everything was now plainbefore me; I had nothing farther to do but to let the king alone to his owndesires; and I had no reason to fearsince they had carried him so farbutthat they would urge him on to do everything I aimed at. I was createdmarchioness of Pembroke. This dignity sat very easy on me; for the thoughts of amuch higher title took from me all feeling of this; and I looked upon being amarchioness as a triflenot that I saw the bauble in its true lightbutbecause it fell short of what I had figured to myself I should soon obtain. Theking's desires grew very impatientand it was not long before I was privatelymarried to him. I was no sooner his wife than I found all the queen come uponme; I felt myself conscious of royaltyand even the faces of my most intimateacquaintance seemed to me to be quite strange. I hardly knew them: height hadturned my headand I was like a man placed on a monumentto whose sight allcreatures at a great distance below him appear like so many little pigmiescrawling about on the earth; and the prospect so greatly delighted methat Idid not presently consider that in both cases descending a few steps erected byhuman hands would place us in the number of those very pigmies who appeared sodespicable. Our marriage

 

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was kept private for some timefor it was not thought proper to make it public(the affair of the divorce not being finished) till the birth of my daughterElizabeth made it necessary. But all who saw me knew it; for my manner ofspeaking and acting was so much changed with my stationthat all around meplainly perceived I was sure I was a queen. While it was a secret I had yetsomething to wish for; I could not be perfectly satisfied till all the world wasacquainted with my fortune: but when my coronation was overand I was raised tothe height of my ambitioninstead of finding myself happyI was in realitymore miserable than ever; forbesides that the aversion I had naturally to theking was much more difficult to dissemble after marriage than beforeand grewinto a perfect detestationmy imaginationwhich had thus warmly pursued acrowngrew cool when I was in the possession of itand gave me time to reflectwhat mighty matter I had gained by all this bustle; and I often used to thinkmyself in the case of the fox-hunterwhowhen he has toiled and sweated allday in the chase as if some unheard-of blessing was to crown his successfindsat last all he has got by his labor is a stinking nauseous animal. But mycondition was yet worse than his; for he leaves the loathsome wretch to be tornby his houndswhilst I was obliged to fondle mineand meanly pretend him to bethe object of my love. For the whole time I was in this enviedthis exaltedstateI led a continual life of hypocrisywhich I now know nothing on earthcan compensate.

 

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I had no companion but the man I hated. I dared not disclose my sentiments toany person about menor did any one presume to enter into any freedom ofconversation with me; but all who spoke to me talked to the queenand not tome; for they would have said just the same things to a dressed-up puppetif theking had taken a fancy to call it his wife. And as I knew every woman in thecourt was my enemyfrom thinking she had much more right than I had to theplace I filledI thought myself as unhappy as if I had been placed in a wildwoodwhere there was no human creature for me to speak toin a continual fearof leaving any traces of my footstepslest I should be found by some dreadfulmonsteror stung by snakes and adders; for such are spiteful women to theobjects of their envy. In this worst of all situations I was obliged to hide mymelancholy and appear cheerful. This threw me into an error the other wayand Isometimes fell into a levity in my behavior that was afterwards made use of tomy disadvantage. I had a son deadbornwhich I perceived abated something of theking's ardor; for his temper could not brook the least disappointment. This gaveme no uneasiness; fornot considering the consequencesI could not help beingbest pleased when l had least of his company. Afterwards I found he had cast hiseyes on one of my maids of honor; andwhether it was owing to any art of hersor only to the king's violent passionsI was in the end used even worse than myformer mistress had been by my means. The decay of the king's affection

 

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was presently seen by all those court-sycophants who continually watch themotions of royal eyes; and the moment they found they could be heard against methey turned my most innocent actions and wordsnayeven my very looksintoproofs of the blackest crimes. The kingwho was impatient to enjoy his newlovelent a willing ear to all my accuserswho found ways of making himjealous that I was false to his bed. He would not so easily have believedanything against me beforebut he was now glad to flatter himself that he hadfound a reason to do just what he had resolved upon without a reason; and onsome slight pretenses and hearsay evidence I was sent to the Towerwhere thelady who was my greatest enemy was appointed to watch me and lie in the samechamber with me. This was really as bad a punishment as my deathfor sheinsulted me with those keen reproaches and spiteful witticismswhich threw meinto such vapors and violent fits that I knew not what I uttered in thiscondition. She pretended I had confessed talking ridiculous stuff with a set oflow fellows whom I had hardly ever taken notice ofas could have imposed onnone but such as were resolved to believe. I was brought to my trialandtoblacken me the moreaccused of conversing criminally with my own brotherwhomindeed I loved extremely wellbut never looked on him in any other light thanas my friend. HoweverI was condemned to be beheadedor burntas the kingpleased; and he was graciously pleasedfrom the great remains of his lovetochoose the mildest

 

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sentence. I was much less shocked at this manner of ending my life than I shouldhave been in any other station: but I had had so little enjoyment from the timeI had been a queenthat death was the less dreadful to me. The chief thingsthat lay on my conscience were the arts I made use of to induce the king to partwith the queenmy ill usage of lady Maryand my jilting lord Percy. HoweverIendeavored to calm my mind as well as I couldand hoped these crimes would beforgiven me; for in other respects I had led a very innocent lifeand alwaysdid all the good-natured actions I found any opportunity of doing. From the timeI had it in my powerI gave a great deal of money amongst the poor; I prayedvery devoutlyand went to my execution very composedly. Thus I lost my life atthe age of twenty-ninein which short time I believe I went through morevariety of scenes than many people who live to be very old. I had lived in acourtwhere I spent my time in coquetry and gayety; I had experienced what itwas to have one of those violent passions which makes the mind all turbulenceand anxiety; I had had a lover whom I esteemed and valuedand at the latterpart of my life I was raised to a station as high as the vainest woman couldwish. But in all these various changes I never enjoyed any real satisfactionunless in the little time I lived retired in the country free from all noise andhurryand while I was conscious I was the object of the love and esteem of aman of sense and honor.''

On the conclusion of this history Minos paused

 

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for a small timeand then ordered the gate to be thrown open for Anna Boleyn'sadmittance on the consideration that whoever had suffered being the queen forfour yearsand been sensible during all that time of the real misery whichattends that exalted stationought to be forgiven whatever she had done toobtain it.11



[11] Here ends this curious manuscript; the rest being destroyed in rolling uppenstobacco&c. It is to be hoped heedless people will henceforth be morecautious what they burnor use to other vile purposes; especially when theyconsider the fate which had likely to have befallen the divine Miltonand thatthe works of Homer were probably discovered in some chandlers shop in Greece.

 

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INTRODUCTION

WHETHER the ensuing pages werereally the dream or vision of some very pious and holy person; or whether theywere really written in the other worldand sent back to thiswhich is theopinion of many (though I think too much inclining to superstition); or lastlywhetheras infinitely the greatest part imaginethey were really theproduction of some choice inhabitant of New Bethlehemis not necessary nor easyto determine. It will be abundantly sufficient if I give the reader an accountby what means they came into my possession.

Mr. Robert Powneystationerwho dwellsopposite to Catherine-street in the Stranda very honest man and of greatgravity of countenance; whoamong other excellent stationery commoditiesisparticularly eminent for his penswhich I am abundantly bound to acknowledgeas I owe to their peculiar goodness that my manuscripts have by any means beenlegible: this gentlemanI sayfurnished me some time since with a bundle ofthose penswrapped up with great care and cautionin a very large sheet ofpaper full of

 

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characterswritten as it seemed in a very bad hand. NowI have a surprisingcuriosity to read everything which is almost illegible; partly perhaps from thesweet remembrance of the dear ScrawlsSkrawlsor Skrales (for the word isvariously spelled)which I have in my youth received from that lovely part ofthe creation for which I have the tenderest regard; and partly from that temperof mind which makes men set an immense value on old manuscripts so effacedbustoes so maimedand pictures so black that no one can tell what to make ofthem. I therefore perused this sheet with wonderful applicationand in about aday's time discovered that I could not understand it. I immediately repaired toMr. Powneyand inquired very eagerly whether he had not more of the samemanuscript? He produced about one hundred pagesacquainting me that he hadsaved no more; but that the book was originally a huge foliohad been left inhis garret by a gentleman who lodged thereand who had left him no othersatisfaction for nine months' lodging. He proceeded to inform me that themanuscript had been hawked about (as he phrased it) among all the booksellerswho refused to meddle; some alleged that they could not readothers that theycould not understand it. Some would haze it to be an atheistical bookand somethat it was a libel on the government; for one or other of which reasons theyall refused to print it. That it had been likewise shown to the R -- l Societybut they shook their headssayingthere was nothing in it wonderful enough forthem.

 

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Thathearing the gentleman was gone to the West-Indiesand believing it to begood for nothing elsehe had used it as waste paper. He said I was welcome towhat remainedand he was heartily sorry for what was missingas I seemed toset some value on it.

I desired him much to name a price: but hewould receive no consideration farther than the payment of a small bill I owedhimwhich at that time he said he looked on as so much money given him.

I presently communicated this manuscript to myfriend parson Abraham Adamswhoafter a long and careful perusalreturned itme with his opinion that there was more in it than at first appeared; that theauthor seemed not entirely unacquainted with the writings of Plato; but hewished he had quoted him sometimes in his marginthat I might be sure (said he)he had read him in the original: for nothingcontinued the parsonis commonerthan for men now-a-days to pretend to have read Greek authorswho have met withthem only in translationsand cannot conjugate a verb in mi.

To deliver my own sentiments on the occasionI think the author discovers a philosophical turn of thinkingwith some littleknowledge of the worldand no very inadequate value of it. There are someindeed whofrom the vivacity of their temper and the happiness of theirstationare willing to consider its blessings as more substantialand thewhole to be a scene of more consequence than it is here represented: butwithout

 

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controverting their opinions at presentthe number of wise and good men whohave thought with our author are sufficient to keep him in countenance: nor canthis be attended with any ill inferencesince he everywhere teaches this moral:That the greatest and truest happiness which this world affordsis to be foundonly in the possession of goodness and virtue; a doctrine whichas it isundoubtedly trueso hath it so noble and practical a tendencythat it cannever be too often or too strongly inculcated on the minds of men.


 

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BOOK I

CHAPTER I

The author diesmeets withMercuryand is by him conducted to the stage which sets out for the otherworld.

ON the first day of December 17411I departed this life at my lodgings in Cheapside. My body had been some timedead before I was at liberty to quit itlest it should by any accident returnto life: this is an injunction imposed on all souls by the eternal law of fateto prevent the inconveniences which would follow. As soon as the destined periodwas expired (being no longer than till the body is become perfectly cold andstiff) I began to move; but found myself under a difficulty of making my escapefor the mouth or door was shutso that it was impossible for me to go out atit; and the windowsvulgarly called the eyeswere so closely pulled down bythe fingers of a nursethat I could by no means open them. At last I perceiveda beam of light glimmering at the top of the house (for such I may call the bodyI had been inclosed in)whither

 

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ascendingI gently let myself down through a kind of chimneyand issued out atthe nostrils.

No prisoner discharged from a longconfinement ever tasted the sweets of liberty with a more exquisite relish thanI enjoyed in this delivery from a dungeon wherein I had been detained upwards offorty yearsand with much the same kind of regard I cast my eyes2backwards upon it.

My friends and relations had all quitted theroombeing all (as I plainly overheard) very loudly quarreling below stairsabout my will; there was only an old woman left above to guard the bodyas Iapprehend. She was in a fast sleepoccasionedas from her savor it seemedbya comfortable dose of gin. I had no pleasure in this companyandthereforeasthe window was wide openI sallied forth into the open air: butto my greatastonishmentfound myself unable to flywhich I had always during myhabitation in the body conceived of spirits; howeverI came so lightly to theground that I did not hurt myself; andthough I had not the gift of flying(owing probably to my having neither feathers nor wings)I was capable ofhopping such a prodigious way at oncethat it served my turn almost as well.

I had not hopped far before I perceived a tallyoung gentleman in a silk waistcoatwith a wing on his left heela garland onhis headand a caduceus

 

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in his right hand.
3I thought I had seen this person beforebut had not time to recollect wherewhen he called out to me and asked me how long I had been departed. I answered Iwas just come forth. ``You must not stay here'' replied he``unless you hadbeen murdered: in which caseindeedyou might have been suffered to walk sometime; but if you died a natural death you must set out for the other worldimmediately.'' I desired to know the way. ``O'' cried the gentleman``I willshow you to the inn whence the stage proceeds; for I am the porter. Perhaps younever heard of me -- my name is Mercury.'' ``Suresir'' said I``I have seenyou at the play-house.'' Upon which he smiledandwithout satisfying me as tothat pointwalked directly forwardbidding me hop after him. I obeyed himandsoon found myself in Warwick-lane; where Mercurymaking a full stoppointed ata particular housewhere he bade me enquire for the stageandwishing me agood journeytook his leavesaying he must go seek after other customers.

I arrived just as the coach was setting outand found I had no reason for inquiry; for every person seemed to know mybusiness the moment I appeared at the door: the coachman told me his horses weretobut that he had no place left; howeverthough there were already sixthepassengers

 

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offered to make room for me. I thanked themand ascended without much ceremony.We immediately began our journeybeing seven in number; foras the women woreno hoopsthree of them were but equal to two men.

Perhapsreaderthou mayest be pleased withan account of this whole equipageas peradventure thou wilt notwhile alivesee any such. The coach was made by an eminent toymanwho is well known to dealin immaterial substancethat being the matter of which it was compounded. Thework was so extremely finethat it was entirely invisible to the human eye. Thehorses which drew this extraordinary vehicle were all spiritualas well as thepassengers. They hadindeedall died in the service of a certain postmaster;and as for the coachmanwho was a very thin piece of immaterial substancehehad the honor while alive of driving the Great Peteror Peter the Greatinwhose service his soulas well as bodywas almost starved to death.

Such was the vehicle in which I set outandnowthose who are not willing to travel on with me mayif they pleasestophere; those who aremust proceed to the subsequent chaptersin which thisjourney is continued.



[1] Some doubt whether this should not be rather 1641which is a date moreagreeable to the account given of it in the introduction: but then there aresome passages which seem to relate to transactions infinitely latereven withinthis year or two. To say the truth there are difficulties attending eitherconjecture; so the reader may take which he pleases.

[2] Eyes are not perhaps so properly adapted to a spiritual substance; but weare hereas in many other placesobliged to use corporeal terms to makeourselves the better understood.

[3] This is the dress in which the god appears to mortals at the theaters. Oneof the offices attributed to this god by the ancientswas to collect the ghostsas a shepherd doth a flock of sheepand drive them with his wand into the otherworld.

 

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CHAPTER II

In which the author firstrefutes some idle opinions concerning spiritsand then the passengers relatetheir several deaths.

IT is the common opinion that spiritslikeowlscan see in the dark; nayand can then most easily be perceived by others.For which reasonmany persons of good understandingto prevent being terrifiedwith such objectsusually keep a candle burning by themthat the light mayprevent their seeing. Mr. Lockein direct opposition to thishath not doubtedto assert that you may see a spirit in open daylight full as well as in thedarkest night.

It was very dark when we set out fromthe innnor could we see any more than if every soul of us had been alive. Wehad traveled a good way before any one offered to open his mouth; indeedmostof the company were fast asleep4butas I could not close my own eyesand perceived the spirit who sat oppositeto me to be likewise awakeI began to make overtures of conversationbycomplaining how dark it was. ``And extremely cold too'' answered myfellow traveler; ``thoughI thank Godas I have no bodyI feel noinconvenience from it: but you will believesirthat this

 

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frosty air must seem very sharp to one just issued forth out of an oven; forsuch was the inflamed habitation I am lately departed from.'' ``How did you cometo your endsir?'' said I. ``I was murderedsir'' answered the gentleman. ``Iam surprised then'' replied I``that you did not divert yourself by walking upand down and playing some merry tricks with the murderer.'' ``Ohsir''returned he``I had not that privilegeI was lawfully put to death. In shorta physician set me on fireby giving me medicines to throw out my distemper. Idied of a hot regimenas they call itin the small-pox.''

One of the spirits at that word started up andcried out``The small-pox! bless me! I hope I am not in company with thatdistemperwhich I have all my life with such caution avoidedand have sohappily escaped hitherto!'' This fright set all the passengers who were awakeinto a loud laughter; and the gentlemanrecollecting himselfwith someconfusionand not without blushingasked pardoncrying``I protest I dreamedthat I was alive.'' ``Perhapssir'' said I``you died of that distemperwhich therefore made so strong an impression on you.'' ``Nosir'' answered he``I never had it in my life; but the continual and dreadful apprehension it keptme so long under cannotI seebe so immediately. eradicated. You must knowsirI avoided coming to London for thirty years togetherfor fear of thesmall-poxtill the most urgent business brought me thither about five days ago.I was so dreadfully afraid of this disease that I refused

 

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the second night of my arrival to sup with a friend whose wife had recovered ofit several months beforeand the same evening got a surfeit by eating too manymuscleswhich brought me into this good company.''

``I will lay a wager'' cried the spirit whosat next him``there is not one in the coach able to guess my distemper.'' Idesired the favor of him to acquaint us with itif it was so uncommon. ``Whysir'' said he``I died of honor.'' -- ``Of honorsir!'' repeated Iwith somesurprise. ``Yessir'' answered the spirit``of honorfor I was killed in aduel.''

``For my part'' said a fair spirit``I wasinoculated last summerand had the good fortune to escape with a very few markson my face. I esteemed myself now perfectly happyas I imagined I had norestraint to a full enjoyment of the diversions of the town; but within a fewdays after my coming up I caught cold by overdancing myself at a balland lastnight died of a violent fever.''

After a short silence which now ensuedthefair spirit who spoke lastit being now daylightaddressed herself to a femalewho sat next herand asked her to what chance they owed the happiness of hercompany. She answeredshe apprehended to a consumptionbut the physicians werenot agreed concerning her distemperfor she left two of them in a very hotdispute about it when she came out of her body. ``And praymadam'' said thesame spirit to the sixth passenger``How came you to leave the other world?''But that

 

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female spiritscrewing up her mouthansweredshe wondered at the curiosity ofsome people; that perhaps persons had already heard some reports of her deathwhich were far from being true; thatwhatever was the occasion of itshe wasglad at being delivered from a world in which she had no pleasureand wherethere was nothing but nonsense and impertinence; particularly among her own sexwhose loose conduct she had long been entirely ashamed of.

The beauteous spiritperceiving herquestion gave offensepursued it no farther. She had indeed all the sweetnessand good-humor which are so extremely amiable (when found) in that sex whichtenderness most exquisitely becomes. Her countenance displayed all thecheerfulnessthe good-natureand the modestywhich diffuse such brightnessround the beauty of Seraphina5awing every beholder with respectandat the same timeravishing him withadmiration. Had it not been indeed for our conversation on the small-poxIshould have imagined we had been honored with her identical presence. Thisopinion might have been heightened by the good sense she uttered whenever shespokeby the delicacy of her sentimentsand the complacence of her behaviortogether with a certain dignity which attended every lookwordand gesture;qualities which could not fail making an impression on a heart6so capable

 

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of receiving it as minenor was she long in raising in me a very violent degreeof seraphic love. I do not intend by thisthat sort of love which men are veryproperly said to make to women in the lower worldand which seldom lasts anylonger than while it is making. I mean by seraphic love an extreme delicacy andtenderness of friendshipof whichmy worthy readerif thou hast noconceptionas it is probable thou mayest notmy endeavor to instruct theewould be as fruitless as it would be to explain the most difficult problems ofSir Isaac Newton to one ignorant of vulgar arithmetic.

To return therefore to matters comprehensibleby all understandings: the discourse now turned on the vanityfollyand miseryof the lower worldfrom which every passenger in the coach expressed thehighest satisfaction in being delivered; though it was very remarkable thatnotwithstanding the joy we declared at our deaththere was not one of us whodid not mention the accident which occasioned it as a thing we would haveavoided if we could. Naythe very grave lady herselfwho was the forwardest intestifying her delightconfessed inadvertently that she left a physician by herbedside; and the gentleman who died of honor very liberally cursed both hisfolly and his fencing. While we were entertaining ourselves with these matterson a sudden a most offensive

 

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smell began to invade our nostrils. This very much resembled the savor whichtravelers in summer perceive at their approach to that beautiful village of theHaguearising from those delicious canals whichas they consist of standingwaterdo at that time emit odors greatly agreeable to a Dutch tastebut not sopleasant to any other. Those perfumeswith the assistance of a fair windbeginto affect persons of quick olfactory nerves at a league's distanceand increasegradually as you approach. In the same manner did the smell I have justmentionedmore and more invade ustill one of the spiritslooking out of thecoach-windowdeclared we were just arrived at a very large city; and indeed hehad scarce said so before we found ourselves in the suburbsandat the sametimethe coachmanbeing asked by anotherinformed us that the name of thisplace was the City of Diseases. The road to it was extremely smoothandexcepting the above-mentioned savordelightfully pleasant. The streets of thesuburbs were lined with bagniostavernsand cooks' shops: in the first we sawseveral beautiful womenbut in tawdry dresseslooking out at the windows; andin the latter were visibly exposed all kinds of the richest dainties; but on ourentering the city we foundcontrary to all we had seen in the other worldthatthe suburbs were infinitely pleasanter than the city itself. It was indeed avery dulldarkand melancholy place. Few people appeared in the streetsandthesefor the most partwere old womenand here and there a formal gravegentlemanwho seemed

 

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to be thinkingwith large tie-wigs onand amber-headed canes in their hands.We were all in hopes that our vehicle would not stop here; butto our sorrowthe coach soon drove into an innand we were obliged to alight.



[4] Those who have read of the gods sleeping in Homer will not be surprised atthis happening to spirits.

[5] A particular lady of quality is meant here; but every lady of qualityor noqualityare welcome to apply the character to themselves.

[6] We have before made an apology for this languagewhich we here repeat forthe last time; though the heart maywe hopebe metaphorically used here withmore propriety than when we apply those passions to the body which belong to thesoul.

 

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CHAPTER III

The adventures we met with inthe City of Diseases.

WE had not been long arrived in our innwhereit seems we were to spend the remainder of the daybefore our host acquaintedus that it was customary for all spiritsin their passage through that citytopay their respects to that lady Diseaseto whose assistance they had owed theirdeliverance from the lower world. We answered we should not fail in anycomplacence which was usual to others; upon which our host replied he wouldimmediately send porters to conduct us. He had not long quitted the room beforewe were attended by some of those grave persons whom I have before described inlarge tie-wigs with amber-headed canes. These gentlemen are the ticket-portersin the cityand their canes are the insigniaor ticketsdenoting theiroffice. We informed them of the several ladies to whom we were obligedand werepreparing to follow themwhen on a sudden they all stared at one anotherandleft us in a hurrywith a frown on every countenance. We were surprised at thisbehaviorand presently summoned the hostwho was no sooner acquainted with itthan he burst into an hearty laughand told us the reason wasbecause we didnot fee the gentlemen the moment they came inaccording to the custom

 

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of the place. We answeredwith some confusionwe had brought nothing with usfrom the other worldwhich we had been all our lives informed was not lawful todo. ``Nonomaster'' replied the host; ``I am apprised of thatand indeed itwas my fault. I should have first sent you to my lord Scrape
7who would have supplied you with what you want.'' ``My lord Scrape supply us!''said Iwith astonishment: ``sure you must know we cannot give him security; andI am convinced he never lent a shilling without it in his life.'' ``Nosir''answered the host``and for that reason he is obliged to do it herewhere heis sentenced to keep a bankand to distribute money gratis to all passengers.This bank originally consisted of just that sumwhich he had miserably hoardedup in the other worldand he is to perceive it decrease visibly one shillinga-daytill it is totally exhausted; after which he is to return to the otherworldand perform the part of a miser for seventy years; thenbeing purifiedin the body of a hoghe is to enter the human species againand take a secondtrial.'' ``Sir'' said I``you tell me wonders: but if his bank be to decreaseonly a shilling a dayhow can he furnish all passengers?'' ``The rest''answered the host``is supplied again; but in a manner which I cannot easilyexplain to you.'' ``I apprehend'' said I``this distribution of his money isinflicted on him as a punishment; but I do not see how it can answer

 

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that endwhen he knows it is to be restored to him again. Would it not servethe purpose as well if he parted only with the single shillingwhich it seemsis all he is really to lose?'' ``Sir'' cries the host``when you observe theagonies with which he parts with every guineayou will be of another opinion.No prisoner condemned to death ever begged so heartily for transportation as hewhen he received his sentencedid to go to hellprovided he might carry hismoney with him. But you will know more of these things when you arrive at theupper world; and nowif you pleaseI will attend you to my lord'swho isobliged to supply you with whatever you desire.''

We found his lordship sitting at the upper endof a tableon which was an immense sum of moneydisposed in several heapsevery one of which would have purchased the honor of some patriots and thechastity of some prudes. The moment he saw us he turned paleand sighedaswell apprehending our business. Mine host accosted him with a familiar airwhich at first surprised mewho so well remembered the respect I had formerlyseen paid this lord by men infinitely superior in quality to the person who nowsaluted him in the following manner: ``Hereyou lordand be dam -- d to yourlittle sneaking soultell out your moneyand supply your betters with whatthey want. Be quicksirrahor I'll fetch the beadle to you. Don't fancyyourself in the lower world againwith your privilege at your a -- .'' He thenshook a cane at his lordshipwho immediately began to tell out his moneywiththe same

 

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miserable air and face which the miser on our stage wears while he delivers hisbank-bills. This affected some of us so much that we had certainly returned withno more than what would have been sufficient to fee the portershad not ourhostperceiving our compassionbegged us not to spare a fellow whoin themidst of immense wealthhad always refused the least contribution to charity.Our hearts were hardened with this reflectionand we all filled our pocketswith his money. I remarked a poetical spiritin particularwho swore he wouldhave a hearty gripe at him: ``For'' says he``the rascal not only refused tosubscribe to my worksbut sent back my letter unansweredthough I am a bettergentleman than himself.''

We now returned from this miserable objectgreatly admiring the propriety as well as justice of his punishmentwhichconsistedas our host informed usmerely in the delivering forth his money;andhe observedwe could not wonder at the pain this gave himsince it was asreasonable that the bare parting with money should make him miserable as thatthe bare having money without using it should have made him happy.

Other tie-wig porters (for those we hadsummoned before refused to visit us again) now attended us; and we having fee'dthem the instant they entered the roomaccording to the instructions of ourhostthey bowed and smiledand offered to introduce us to whatever disease wepleased.

We set out several waysas we were all to payour respects to different ladies. I directed my

 

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porter to show me to the Fever on the Spiritsbeing the disease which haddelivered me from the flesh. My guide and I traversed many streetsand knockedat several doorsbut to no purpose. At onewe were toldlived theConsumption; at anotherthe Maladie Alamodea French lady; at the thirdtheDropsy; at the fourththe Rheumatism; at the fifthIntemperance; at the sixthMisfortune. I was tiredand had exhausted my patienceand almost my purse; forI gave my porter a new fee at every blunder he made: when my guidewith asolemn countenancetold me he could do no more; and marched off without anyfarther ceremony.

He was no sooner gone than I met anothergentleman with a ticketi. e.an amber-headed cane in his hand. I firstfee'd himand then acquainted him with the name of the disease. He cast himselffor two or three minutes into a thoughtful posturethen pulled a piece of paperout of his pocketon which he wrote something in one of the Oriental languagesI believefor I could not read a syllable: he bade me carry it to such aparticular shopandtelling me it would do my businesshe took his leave.

Secureas I now thought myselfof mydirectionI went to the shopwhich very much resembled an apothecary's. Theperson who officiatedhaving read the papertook down about twenty differentjarsandpouring something out of every one of themmade a mixturewhich hedelivered to me in a bottlehaving first tied a paper round the neck of itonwhich were written three or four

 

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wordsthe last containing eleven syllables. I mentioned the name of the diseaseI wanted to find outbut received no other answer than that he had done as hewas orderedand the drugs were excellent.

I began now to be enragedandquitting theshop with some anger in my countenanceI intended to find out my innbutmeeting in the way a porter whose countenance had in it something more pleasingthan ordinaryI resolved to try once moreand clapped a fee into his hand. Assoon as I mentioned the disease to him he laughed heartilyand told me I hadbeen imposed onfor in reality no such disease was to be found in that city. Hethen inquired into the particulars of my caseand was no sooner acquainted withthem than he informed me that the Maladie Alamode was the lady to whom I wasobliged. I thanked himand immediately went to pay my respects to her.

The houseor rather palaceof this lady wasone of the most beautiful and magnificent in the city. The avenue to it wasplanted with sycamore treeswith beds of flowers on each side; it was extremelypleasant but short. I was conducted through a magnificent halladorned withseveral statues and bustoesmost of them maimedwhence I concluded them all tobe true antiques; but was informed they were the figures of several modernheroeswho had died martyrs to her ladyship's cause. I next mounted through alarge painted staircasewhere several persons were depicted in caricatura; andupon inquirywas told they were the portraits of those who had distinguishedthemselves

 

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against the lady in the lower world. I suppose I should have known the faces ofmany physicians and surgeonshad they not been so violently distorted by thepainter. Indeedhe had exerted so much malice in his workthat I believe hehad himself received some particular favors from the lady of this mansion: it isdifficult to conceive a group of stranger figures. I then entered a long roomhung round with the pictures of women of such exact shapes and features that Ishould have thought myself in a gallery of beautieshad not a certain sallowpaleness in their complexions given me a more distasteful idea. Through this Iproceeded to a second apartmentadornedif I may so call itwith the figuresof old ladies. Upon my seeming to admire at this furniturethe servant told mewith a smile that these had been very good friends of his ladyand had done hereminent service in the lower world. I immediately recollected the faces of oneor two of my acquaintancewho had formerly kept bagnios; but was very muchsurprised to see the resemblance of a lady of great distinction in such company.The servantupon my mentioning thismade no other answer than that his ladyhad pictures of all degrees.

I was now introduced into the presence of thelady herself. She was a thinor rather meagerpersonvery wan in thecountenancehad no nose and many pimples in her face. She offered to rise at myentrancebut could not stand. After many complimentsmuch congratulation onher sideand the most fervent expressions of gratitude on mineshe asked memany questions concerning the situation

 

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of her affairs in the lower world; most of which I answered to her entiresatisfaction. At lastwith a kind of forced smileshe said``I suppose thepill and drop go on swimmingly?'' I told her they were reported to have donegreat cures. She replied she could apprehend no danger from any person who wasnot of regular practice; ``forhowever simple mankind are'' said she``orhowever afraid they are of deaththey prefer dying in a regular manner to beingcured by a nostrum.'' She then expressed great pleasure at the account I gaveher of the beau monde. She said she had herself removed the hundreds of Drury tothe hundreds of Charing-crossand was very much delighted to find they hadspread into St. James's; that she imputed this chiefly to several of her dearand worthy friendswho had lately published their excellent worksendeavoringto extirpate all notions of religion and virtue; and particularly to thedeserving author of the Bachelor's Estimate; ``to whom'' said she``if I hadnot reason to think he was a surgeonand had therefore written from mercenaryviewsI could never sufficiently own my obligations.'' She spoke likewisegreatly in approbation of the methodso generally used by parentsof marryingchildren very youngand without the least affection between the parties; andconcluded by saying thatif these fashions continued to spreadshe doubted notbut she should shortly be the only disease who would ever receive a visit fromany person of considerable rank.

While we were discoursing her three daughters

 

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entered the room. They were all called by hard names; the eldest was namedLeprathe second Chærasand the third Scorbutia.
8They were all genteelbut ugly. I could not help observing the little respectthey paid their parentwhich the old lady remarking in my countenanceas soonas they quitted the roomwhich soon happenedacquainted me with herunhappiness in her offspringevery one of which had the confidence to denythemselves to be her childrenthough she said she had been a very indulgentmother and had plentifully provided for them all. As family complaints generallyas much tire the hearer as they relieve him who makes themwhen I found herlaunching farther into this subject I resolved to put an end to my visitandtaking my leave with many thanks for the favor she had done meI returned tothe innwhere I found my fellow-travelers just mounting into their vehicle. Ishook hands with my host and accompanied them into the coachwhich immediatelyafter proceeded on its journey.



[7] That we may mention it once for allin the panegyrical part of this worksome particular person is always meant: butin the satiricalnobody.

[8] These ladiesI believeby their namespresided over the leprosyking's-eviland scurvy.

 

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CHAPTER IV

Discourses on the roadand adescription of the palace of Death.

WE were all silent for some minutestillbeing well shaken into our several seatsI opened my mouth firstand relatedwhat had happened to me after our separation in the city we had just left. Therest of the companyexcept the grave female spirit whom our reader may rememberto have refused giving an account of the distemper which occasioned herdissolutiondid the same. It might be tedious to relate these at large; weshall therefore only mention a very remarkable inveteracy which the Surfeitdeclared to all the other diseasesespecially to the Feverwhoshe saidbythe roguery of the portersreceived acknowledgments from numberless passengerswhich were due to herself. ``Indeed'' says she``those cane-headed fellows''(for so she called themalludingI supposeto their ticket) ``are constantlymaking such mistakes; there is no gratitude in those fellows; for I am sure theyhave greater obligations to me than to any other diseaseexcept the Vapors.''These relations were no sooner over than one of the company informed us we wereapproaching to the most noble building he had ever beheldand which we learnedfrom our coachman was the palace of Death. Its outside

 

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indeedappeared extremely magnificent. Its structure was of the Gothic order;vast beyond imaginationthe whole pile consisting of black marble. Rows ofimmense yews form an amphitheater round it of such height and thickness that noray of the sun ever perforates this grovewhere black eternal darkness wouldreign was it not excluded by innumerable lamps which are placed in pyramidsround the grove; so that the distant reflection they cast on the palacewhichis plentifully gilt with gold on the outsideis inconceivably solemn. To this Imay add the hollow murmur of winds constantly heard from the groveand the veryremote sound of roaring waters. Indeedevery circumstance seems to conspire tofill the mind with horror and consternation as we approach to this palacewhichwe had scarce time to admire before our vehicle stopped at the gateand we weredesired to alight in order to pay our respects to his most mortal majesty (thisbeing the title which it seems he assumes). The outward court was full ofsoldiersandindeedthe whole very much resembled the state of an earthlymonarchonly more magnificent. We passed through several courts into a vasthallwhich led to a spacious staircaseat the bottom of which stood two pageswith very grave countenanceswhom I recollected afterwards to have formerlybeen very eminent undertakersand were in reality the only dismal faces I sawhere; for this palaceso awful and tremendous withoutis all gay and sprightlywithin; so that we soon lost all those dismal and gloomy

 

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ideas we had contracted in approaching it. Indeedthe still silence maintainedamong the guards and attendants resembled rather the stately pomp of easterncourts; but there was on every face such symptoms of content and happiness thatdiffused an air of cheerfulness all round. We ascended the staircase and passedthrough many noble apartments whose walls were adorned with variousbattle-pieces in tapistryand which we spent some time in observing. Thesebrought to my mind those beautiful ones I had in my lifetime seen at Blenheimnor could I prevent my curiosity from inquiring where the Duke of Marlborough'svictories were placed (for I think they were almost the only battles of anyeminence I had read of which I did not meet with); when the skeleton of abeef-eatershaking his headtold me a certain gentlemanone Lewis XIVwhohad great interest with his most mortal majestyhad prevented any such frombeing hung up there. ``Besides'' says he``his majesty hath no great respectfor that dukefor he never sent him a subject he could keep from himnor didhe ever get a single subject by his means but he lost 1000 others for him.'' Wefound the presence-chamber at our entrance very fulland a buzz ran through itas in all assembliesbefore the principal figure enters; for his majesty wasnot yet come out. At the bottom of the room were two persons in closeconferenceone with a square black cap on his headand the other with a robeembroidered with flames of fire. TheseI was informedwere a judge long sincedeadand an inquisitor-general. I overheard them disputing

 

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with great eagerness whether the one had hanged or the other burned the most.While I was listening to this disputewhich seemed to be in no likelihood of aspeedy decisionthe emperor entered the room and placed himself between twofiguresone of which was remarkable for the roughnessand the other for thebeauty of his appearance. These wereit seemsCharles XII of Sweden andAlexander of Macedon. I was at too great a distance to hear any of theconversationso could only satisfy my curiosity by contemplating the severalpersonages presentof whose names I informed myself by a pagewho looked aspale and meager as any court-page in the other worldbut was somewhat moremodest. He showed me here two or three Turkish emperorsto whom his most mortalmajesty seemed to express much civility. Here were likewise several of the Romanemperorsamong whom none seemed so much caressed as Caligulaon accountasthe page told meof his pious wish that he could send all the Romans hither atone blow. The reader may be perhaps surprised that I saw no physicians here; asindeed I was myselftill informed that they were all departed to the city ofDiseaseswhere they were busy in an experiment to purge away the immortality ofthe soul.

It would be tedious to recollect the manyindividuals I saw herebut I cannot omit a fat figurewell dressed in theFrench fashionwho was received with extraordinary complacence by the emperorand whom I imagined to be Lewis XIV

 

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himself; but the page acquainted me he was a celebrated French cook.

We were at length introduced to the royalpresenceand had the honor to kiss hands. His majesty asked us a few questionsnot very material to relateand soon after retired.

When we returned into the yard we found ourcaravan ready to set outat which we all declared ourselves well pleased; forwe were sufficiently tired with the formality of a courtnotwithstanding itsoutward splendor and magnificence.


 

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CHAPTER V

The travelers proceed on theirjourneyand meet several spirits who are coming into the flesh.

WE now came to the banks of the great riverCocytuswhere we quitted our vehicleand passed the water in a boatafterwhich we were obliged to travel on foot the rest of our journey; and now we metfor the first timeseveral passengers traveling to the world we had leftwhoinformed us they were souls going into the flesh.

The two first we met were walking arm-in-armin very close and friendly conference; they informed us that one of them wasintended for a dukeand the other for a hackney-coachman. As we had not yetarrived at the place where we were to deposit our passionswe were allsurprised at the familiarity which subsisted between persons of such differentdegrees; nor could the grave lady help expressing her astonishment at it. Thefuture coachman then repliedwith a laughthat they had exchanged lots; forthat the duke had with his dukedom drawn a shrew for a wifeand the coachmanonly a single state.

As we proceeded on our journey we met a solemnspirit walking alone with great gravity in his countenance: our curiosityinvited usnotwithstanding his reserveto ask what lot he had drawn.

 

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He answeredwith a smilehe was to have the reputation of a wise man with£100000 in his pocketand was practicing the solemnity which he was to act inthe other world.

A little farther we met a company of verymerry spiritswhom we imagined by their mirth to have drawn some mighty lotbuton inquirythey informed us they were to be beggars.

The farther we advancedthe greater numberswe met; and now we discovered two large roads leading different waysand ofvery different appearance; the one all craggy with rocksfull as it seemed ofboggy groundsand everywhere beset with briarsso that it was impossible topass through it without the utmost danger and difficulty; the otherthe mostdelightful imaginableleading through the most verdant meadowspainted andperfumed with all kinds of beautiful flowers; in shortthe most wantonimagination could imagine nothing more lovely. Notwithstanding whichwe weresurprised to see great numbers crowding into the formerand only one or twosolitary spirits choosing the latter. On inquirywe were acquainted that thebad road was the way to greatnessand the other to goodness. When we expressedour surprise at the preference given to the former we were acquainted that itwas chosen for the sake of the music of drums and trumpetsand the perpetualacclamations of the mobwith which those who traveled this way were constantlysaluted. We were told likewise that there were several noble palaces to be seenand lodged inon this roadby those who had

 

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passed through the difficulties of it (which indeed many were not able tosurmount)and great quantities of all sorts of treasure to be found in it;whereas the other had little inviting more than the beauty of the wayscarce ahandsome buildingsave one greatly resembling a certain house by the Bathtobe seen during that whole journey; andlastlythat it was thought veryscandalous and mean-spirited to travel through thisand as highly honorable andnoble to pass by the other.

We now heard a violent noisewhencastingour eyes forwardswe perceived a vast number of spirits advancing in pursuit ofone whom they mocked and insulted with all kinds of scorn. I cannot give myreader a more adequate idea of this scene than by comparing it to an English mobconducting a pickpocket to the water; or by supposing that an incensed audienceat a playhouse had unhappily possessed themselves of the miserable damned poet.Some laughedsome hissedsome squalledsome groanedsome bawledsome spitat himsome threw dirt at him. It was impossible not to ask who or what thewretched spirit was whom they treated in this barbarous manner; whento ourgreat surprisewe were informed that it was a king: we were likewise told thatthis manner of behavior was usual among the spirits to those who drew the lotsof emperorskingsand other great mennot from envy or angerbut merederision and contempt of earthly grandeur; that nothing was more common than forthose who had drawn these great prizes (as to us they seemed) to exchange themwith tailors and cobblers; and

 

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that Alexander the Great and Diogenes had formerly done so; he that wasafterwards Diogenes having originally fallen on the lot of Alexander.

And nowon a suddenthe mockery ceasedandthe king-spirithaving obtained a hearingbegan to speak as follows; for wewere now near enough to hear him distinctly: --

``GENTLEMEN-- I am justly surprised at yourtreating me in this mannersince whatever lot I have drawnI did not choose:ifthereforeit be worthy of derisionyou should compassionate mefor itmight have fallen to any of your shares. I know in how low a light the stationto which fate hath assigned me is considered hereand thatwhen ambition dothnot support itit becomes generally so intolerablethat there is scarce anyother condition for which it is not gladly exchanged: for what portionin theworld to which we are goingis so miserable as that of care? Should I thereforeconsider myself as become by this lot essentially your superiorand of a higherorder of being than the rest of my fellow-creatures; should I foolishly imaginemyself without wisdom superior to the wisewithout knowledge to the learnedwithout courage to the braveand without goodness and virtue to the good andvirtuous; surely so preposterousso absurd a pridewould justly render me theobject of ridicule. But far be it from me to entertain it. And yetgentlemenIprize the lot I have drawnnor would I exchange it with any of yoursseeing itis in my eye so much greater than the rest. Ambitionwhich I own myselfpossessed ofteaches me this; ambitionwhich

 

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makes me covet praiseassures me that I shall enjoy a much larger proportion ofit than can fall within your power either to deserve or obtain. I am thensuperior to you allwhen I am able to do more goodand when I execute thatpower. What the father is to the sonthe guardian to the orphanor the patronto his clientthat am I to you. You are my childrento whom I will be afathera guardianand a patron. Not one evening in my long reign (for so it isto be) will I repose myself to rest without the gloriousthe heart-warmingconsiderationthat thousands that night owe their sweetest rest to me. What adelicious fortune is it to him whose strongest appetite is doing goodto haveevery day the opportunity and the power of satisfying it! If such a man hathambitionhow happy is it for him to be seated so on highthat every act blazesabroadand attracts to him praises tainted with neither sarcasm nor adulationbut such as the nicest and most delicate mind may relish! Thusthereforewhileyou derive your good from meI am your superior. If to my strict distributionof justice you owe the safety of your property from domestic enemies; if by myvigilance and valor you are protected from foreign foes; if by my encouragementof genuine industryevery scienceevery art which can embellish or sweetenlifeis produced and flourishes among you; will any of you be so insensible orungrateful as to deny praise and respect to him by whose care and conduct youenjoy these blessings? I wonder not at the censure which so frequently falls onthose in my station; but I wonder that those in my

 

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station so frequently deserve it. What strange perverseness of nature! Whatwanton delight in mischief must taint his compositionwho prefers dangersdifficultyand disgraceby doing evilto safetyeaseand honorby doinggood! who refuses happiness in the other worldand heaven in thisfor miserythere and hell here! Butbe assuredmy intentions are different. I shallalways endeavor the easethe happinessand the glory of my peoplebeingconfident thatby so doingI take the most certain method of procuring themall to myself.'' -- He then struck directly into the road of goodnessandreceived such a shout of applause as I never remember to have heard equaled.

He was gone a little way when a spirit limpedafter himswearing he would fetch him back. This spiritI was presentlyinformedwas one who had drawn the lot of his prime minister.


 

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CHAPTER VI

An account of the wheel offortunewith a method of preparing a spirit for this world.

WE now proceeded on our journeywithoutstaying to see whether he fulfilled his word or no; and without encounteringanything worth mentioningcame to the place where the spirits on their passageto the other world were obliged to decide by lot the station in which every onewas to act there. Here was a monstrous wheelinfinitely larger than those inwhich I had formerly seen lottery-tickets deposited. This was called the WHEELOF FORTUNE. The goddess herself was present. She was one of the most deformedfemales I ever beheld; nor could I help observing the frowns she expressed whenany beautiful spirit of her own sex passed by hernor the affability whichsmiled in her countenance on the approach of any handsome male spirits. Hence Iaccounted for the truth of an observation I had often made on earththatnothing is more fortunate than handsome mennor more unfortunate than handsomewomen. The reader may be perhaps pleased with an account of the whole method ofequipping a spirit for his entrance into the flesh.

Firstthenhe receives from a very sagepersonwhose look much resembled that of an apothecary

 

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(his warehouse likewise bearing an affinity to an apothecary's shop)a smallphial inscribedTHE PATHETIC POTIONto be taken just before you are born. Thispotion is a mixture of all the passionsbut in no exact proportionso thatsometimes one predominatesand sometimes another; nayoften in the hurry ofmaking upone particular ingredient isas we were informedleft out. Thespirit receiveth at the same time another medicine called the NOUSPHORICDECOCTIONof which he is to drink ad libitum. This decoction is an extract fromthe faculties of the mindsometimes extremely strong and spirituousandsometimes altogether as weak; for very little care is taken in the preparation.This decoction is so extremely bitter and unpleasantthatnotwithstanding itswholesomenessseveral spirits will not be persuaded to swallow a drop of itbut throw it awayor give it to any other who will receive it; by which meanssome who were not disgusted by the nauseousness drank double and trebleportions. I observed a beautiful young femalewhotasting it immediately fromcuriosityscrewed up her face and cast it from her with great disdainwhenceadvancing presently to the wheelshe drew a coronetwhich she clapped up soeagerly that I could not distinguish the degree; and indeed I observed severalof the same sexafter a very small sipthrow the bottles away.

As soon as the spirit is dismissed by theoperatoror apothecaryhe is at liberty to approach the wheelwhere he hath aright to extract a single lot: but those whom Fortune favors she permits

 

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sometimes secretly to draw three or four. I observed a comical kind of figurewho drew forth a handfulwhichwhen he openedwere a bishopa generalaprivy-counselora playerand a poet-laureateandreturning the three firsthe walked offsmilingwith the two last.

Every single lot contained two more articleswhich were generally disposed so as to render the lots as equal as possible toeach other; on one was writtenearlricheshealthdisquietude; onanothercoblersicknessgood-humor; on a thirdpoetcontemptself-satisfaction; on a fourthgeneralhonordiscontent; on afifthcottagehappy love; on a sixthcoach and siximpotentjealous husband; on a seventhprime ministerdisgrace; on aneighthpatriotglory; on a ninthphilosopherpovertyease; ona tenthmerchantrichescare. And indeed the whole seemed to containsuch a mixture of good and evilthat it would have puzzled me which to choose.I must not omit here that in every lot was directed whether the drawer shouldmarry or remain in celibacythe married lots being all marked with a large pairof horns.

We were obligedbefore we quitted this placeto take each of us an emetic from the apothecarywhich immediately purged us ofall our earthly passionsand presently the cloud forsook our eyesas it doththose of Æneas in Virgilwhen removed by Venus; and we discerned things in amuch clearer light than before. We began to compassionate those spirits who weremaking their entry into the fleshwhom we had till then secretly enviedand tolong eagerly for those delightful

 

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plains which now opened themselves to our eyesand to which we now hastenedwith the utmost eagerness. On our way we met with several spirits with verydejected countenances; but our expedition would not suffer us to ask anyquestions.

At length we arrived at the gate of Elysium.Here was a prodigious crowd of spirits waiting for admittancesome of whom wereadmittedand some were rejected; for all were strictly examined by the porterwhom I soon discovered to be the celebrated judge Minos.


 

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CHAPTER VII

The proceedings of judge Minosat the gate of Elysium.

I NOW got near enough to the gate to hear theseveral claims of those who endeavored to pass. The first among otherpretensionsset forth that he had been very liberal to an hospital; but Minosanswered``Ostentation'' and repulsed him. The second exhibited that he hadconstantly frequented his churchbeen a rigid observer of fast-days: helikewise represented the great animosity he had shown to vice in otherswhichnever escaped his severest censure; and as to his own behaviorhe had neverbeen once guilty of whoringdrinkinggluttonyor any other excess. He said hehad disinherited his son for getting a bastard. ``Have you so?'' said Minos;``then pray return into the other world and beget another; for such an unnaturalrascal shall never pass this gate.'' A dozen otherswho had advanced with veryconfident countenancesseeing him rejectedturned about of their own accorddeclaringif he could not passthey had no expectationand accordingly theyfollowed him back to earth; which was the fate of all who were repulsedtheybeing obliged to take a further purificationunless those who were guilty ofsome very heinous crimeswho were hustled in at a little back

 

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gatewhence they tumbled immediately into the bottomless pit.

The next spirit that came up declared he haddone neither good nor evil in the world; for that since his arrival at man'sestate he had spent his whole time in search of curiosities; and particularly inthe study of butterfliesof which he had collected an immense number. Minosmade him no answerbut with great scorn pushed him back.

There now advanced a very beautiful spiritindeed. She began to ogle Minos the moment she saw him. She said she hoped therewas some merit in refusing a great number of loversand dying a maidthoughshe had had the choice of a hundred. Minos told her she had not refused enowyetand turned her back.

She was succeeded by a spirit who told thejudge he believed his works would speak for him. ``What works?'' answered Minos.``My dramatic works'' replied the other``which have done so much good inrecommending virtue and punishing vice.'' ``Very well'' said the judge; ``ifyou please to stand bythe first person who passes the gate by your means shallcarry you in with him; butif you will take my adviceI thinkfor expeditionsakeyou had better returnand live another life upon earth.'' The bardgrumbled at thisand replied thatbesides his poetical workshe had done someother good things: for that he had once lent the whole profits of abenefit-night to a friendand by that means had saved him and his family fromdestruction. Upon this the gate flew open

 

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and Minos desired him to walk intelling himif he had mentioned this atfirsthe might have spared the remembrance of his plays. The poet answeredhebelievedif Minos had read his workshe would set a higher value on them. Hewas then beginning to repeatbut Minos pushed him forwardandturning hisback to himapplied himself to the next passengera very genteel spiritwhomade a very low bow to Minosand then threw himself into an erect attitudeandimitated the motion of taking snuff with his right hand. Minos asked him what hehad to say for himself. He answeredhe would dance a minuet with any spirit inElysium: that he could likewise perform all his other exercises very wellandhoped he had in his life deserved the character of a perfect fine gentleman.Minos replied it would be great pity to rob the world of so fine a gentlemanand therefore desired him to take the other trip. The beau bowedthanked thejudgeand said he desired no better. Several spirits expressed muchastonishment at this his satisfaction; but we were afterwards informed he hadnot taken the emetic above mentioned.

A miserable old spirit now crawled forwardswhose face I thought I had formerly seen near Westminster Abbey. He entertainedMinos with a long harangue of what he had done when in the HOUSE; and thenproceeded to inform him how much he was worthwithout attempting to produce asingle instance of any one good action. Minos stopped the career of hisdiscourseand acquainted him he must take a trip back again.

 

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``What! to S -- -- house?'' said the spirit in an ecstasy; but the judgewithout making him any answerturned to anotherwho with a very solemn air andgreat dignityacquainted him he was a duke. ``To the right-aboutMr. Duke''cried Minos``you are infinitely too great a man for Elysium;'' and thengiving him a kick on the b -- chhe addressed himself to a spirit whowithfear and tremblingbegged he might not go to the bottomless pit: he said hehoped Minos would consider thatthough he had gone astrayhe had suffered forit -- that it was necessity which drove him to the robbery of eighteenpencewhich he had committedand for which he was hanged -- that he had done somegood actions in his life -- that he had supported an aged parent with his labor-- that he had been a very tender husband and a kind father -- and that he hadruined himself by being bail for his friend. At which words the gate openedandMinos bade him entergiving him a slap on the back as he passed by him.

A great number of spirits now came forwardswho all declared they had the same claimand that the captain should speak forthem. He acquainted the judge that they had been all slain in the service oftheir country. Minos was going to admit thembut had the curiosity to ask whohad been the invaderin orderas he saidto prepare the back gate for him.The captain answered they had been the invaders themselves -- that they hadentered the enemy's countryand burned and plundered several cities. ``And forwhat reason?'' said Minos. ``By the command of him who paid

 

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us'' said the captain; ``that is the reason of a soldier. We are to executewhatever we are commandedor we should be a disgrace to the armyand verylittle deserve our pay.'' ``You are brave fellows indeed'' said Minos; ``but bepleased to face aboutand obey my command for oncein returning back to theother world: for what should such fellows as you do where there are no cities tobe burnednor people to be destroyed? But let me advise you to have a stricterregard to truth for the futureand not call the depopulating other countriesthe service of your own.'' The captain answeredin a rage``D -- n me! do yougive me the lie?'' and was going to take Minos by the nose had not his guardsprevented himand immediately turned him and all his followers back the sameroad they came.

Four spirits informed the judge that they hadbeen starved to death through poverty -- being the fathermotherand twochildren; that they had been honest and as industrious as possibletillsickness had prevented the man from labor. ``All that is very true'' cried agrave spirit who stood by. ``I know the fact; for these poor people were undermy cure.'' ``You wasI supposethe parson of the parish'' cries Minos; ``Ihope you had a good livingsir.'' ``That was but a small one'' replied thespirit; ``but I had another a little better.'' -- ``Very well'' said Minos;``let the poor people pass.'' At which the parson was stepping forwards with astately gait before them; but Minos caught hold of him and pulled him backsaying``Not so fastdoctor -- you must take one

 

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step more into the other world first; for no man enters that gate withoutcharity.''

A very stately figure now presented himselfandinforming Minos he was a patriotbegan a very florid harangue on publicvirtue and the liberties of his country. Upon which Minos showed him the utmostrespectand ordered the gate to be opened. The patriot was not contented withthis applause; he said he had behaved as well in place as he had done in theopposition; and thatthough he was now obliged to embrace the court measuresyet he had behaved very honestly to his friendsand brought as many in as waspossible. ``Hold a moment'' says Minos: ``on second considerationMr. PatriotI think a man of your great virtue and abilities will be so much missed by yourcountrythatif I might advise youyou should take a journey back again. I amsure you will not decline it; for I am certain you willwith great readinesssacrifice your own happiness to the public good.'' The patriot smiledand toldMinos he believed he was in jest; and was offering to enter the gatebut thejudge laid fast hold of him and insisted on his returnwhich the patriot stilldeclininghe at last ordered his guards to seize him and conduct him back.

A spirit now advancedand the gate wasimmediately thrown open to him before he had spoken a word. I heard somewhisper``That is our last lord mayor.''

It now came to our company's turn. The fairspirit which I mentioned with so much applause in the beginning of my journeypassed through very

 

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easily; but the grave lady was rejected on her first appearanceMinos declaringthere was not a single prude in Elysium.

The judge then addressed himself to mewholittle expected to pass this fiery trial. I confessed I had indulged myself veryfreely with wine and women in my youthbut had never done an injury to any manlivingnor avoided an opportunity of doing good; that I pretended to verylittle virtue more than general philanthrophy and private friendship. I wasproceedingwhen Minos bade me enter the gateand not indulge myself withtrumpeting forth my virtues. I accordingly passed forward with my lovelycompanionandembracing her with vast eagernessbut spiritual innocenceshereturned my embrace in the same mannerand we both congratulated ourselves onour arrival in this happy regionwhose beauty no painting of the imaginationcan describe.


 

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CHAPTER VIII

The adventures which the authormet on his first entrance into Elysium.

WE pursued our way through a delicious groveof orange-treeswhere I saw infinite numbers of spiritsevery one of whom Iknewand was known by them (for spirits here know one another by intuition). Ipresently met a little daughter whom I had lost several years before. Good gods!what words can describe the rapturesthe melting passionate tendernesswithwhich we kissed each othercontinuing in our embracewith the most ecstaticjoya space whichif time had been measured here as on earthcould not beless than half a year.

The first spirit with whom I entered intodiscourse was the famous Leonidas of Sparta. I acquainted him with the honorswhich had been done him by a celebrated poet of our nation; to which he answeredhe was very much obliged to him.

We were presently afterwards entertained withthe most delicious voice I had ever heardaccompanied by a violinequal toSignior Piantinida. I presently discovered the musician and songster to beOrpheus and Sappho.

Old Homer was present at this concert (if Imay so call it)and Madam Dacier sat in his lap. He asked much after Mr. Popeand said he was

 

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very desirous of seeing him; for that he had read his Iliad in his translationwith almost as much delight as he believed he had given others in the original.I had the curiosity to inquire whether he had really writ that poem in detachedpiecesand sung it about as ballads all over Greeceaccording to the reportwhich went of him. He smiled at my questionand asked me whether there appearedany connection in the poem; for if there did he thought I might answer myself. Ithen importuned him to acquaint me in which of the cities which contended forthe honor of his birth he was really born? To which he answered``Upon my soulI can't tell.''

Virgil then came up to mewith Mr. Addisonunder his arm. ``Wellsir'' said he``how many translations have these fewlast years produced of my Æneid?'' I told him I believed severalbut I couldnot possibly remember; for that I had never read any but Dr. Trapp's. ``Ay''said he``that is a curious piece indeed!'' I then acquainted him with thediscovery made by Mr. Warburton of the Elusinian mysteries couched in his sixthbook. ``What mysteries?'' said Mr. Addison. ``The Elusinian'' answered Virgil``which I have disclosed in my sixth book.'' ``How!'' replied Addison. ``Younever mentioned a word of any such mysteries to me in all our acquaintance.''``I thought it was unnecessary'' cried the other``to a man of your infinitelearning: besidesyou always told me you perfectly understood my meaning.''Upon this I thought the critic looked a little out of countenanceand turnedaside to a very

 

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merry spiritone Dick Steelewho embraced himand told him he had been thegreatest man upon earth; that he readily resigned up all the merit of his ownworks to him. Upon which Addison gave him a gracious smileandclapping him onthe back with much solemnitycried out``Well saidDick!''

I then observed Shakespeare standing betweenBetterton and Boothand deciding a difference between those two great actorsconcerning the placing an accent in one of his lines: this was disputed on bothsides with a warmth which surprised me in Elysiumtill I discovered byintuition that every soul retained its principal characteristicbeingindeedits very essence. The line was that celebrated one in Othello --

Put out the lightand then put out the light.

according to Betterton. Mr. Booth contended to have it thus:--

Put out the lightand then put outTHE light.

I could not help offering my conjecture on this occasionandsuggested it might perhaps be

Put out the lightand then put outTHY light.

Another hinted a reading very sophisticated in my opinion --

Put out the lightand then put outTHEElight.

making light to be the vocative case. Another would havealtered the last wordand read --

 

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Put out thy lightand then put out thy sight.

But Betterton saidif the text was to be disturbedhe saw noreason why a word might not be changed as well as a letterandinstead of``put out thy light'' you may read ``put out thy eyes.'' At last it was agreedon all sides to refer the matter to the decision of Shakespeare himselfwhodelivered his sentiments as follows: ``Faithgentlemenit is so long since Iwrote the lineI have forgot my meaning. This I knowcould I have dreamed somuch nonsense would have been talked and writ about itI would have blotted itout of my works; for I am sureif any of these be my meaningit doth me verylittle honor.''

He was then interrogated concerning some other ambiguouspassages in his works; but he declined any satisfactory answer; sayingif Mr.Theobald had not writ about it sufficientlythere were three or four more neweditions of his plays coming outwhich he hoped would satisfy every one:concluding``I marvel nothing so much as that men will gird themselves atdiscovering obscure beauties in an author. Certes the greatest and most pregnantbeauties are ever the plainest and most evidently striking; and when twomeanings of a passage can in the least balance our judgments which to preferIhold it matter of unquestionable certainty that neither of them is worth afarthing.''

From his works our conversation turned on his monument; uponwhichShakespeareshaking his sidesand addressing himself to Miltoncriedout

 

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``On my wordbrother Miltonthey have brought a noble set of poets together;they would have been hanged erst have [ere they had] convened such a company attheir tables when alive.'' ``Truebrother'' answered Milton``unless we hadbeen as incapable of eating then as we are now.''


 

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CHAPTER IX

More adventures in Elysium.

A CROWD of spirits now joined uswhom I soon perceived to bethe heroeswho here frequently pay their respects to the several bards therecorders of their actions. I now saw Achilles and Ulysses addressing themselvesto Homerand Æneas and Julius Cæsar to Virgil: Adam went up to Miltonuponwhich I whispered Mr. Dryden that I thought the devil should have paid hiscompliments thereaccording to his opinion. Dryden only answered``I believethe devil was in me when I said so.'' Several applied themselves to Shakespeareamongst whom Henry V made a very distinguishing appearance. While my eyes werefixed on that monarch a very small spirit came up to meshook me heartily bythe handand told me his name was THOMAS THUMB. I expressed great satisfactionin seeing himnor could I help speaking my resentment against the historianwho had done such injustice to the stature of this great little manwhich herepresented to be no bigger than a spanwhereas I plainly perceived at firstsight he was full a foot and a half (and the 37th part of an inch moreas hehimself informed me)being indeed little shorter than some considerable beauxof the present age.

I asked this little hero concerning the truth of

 

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those stories related of himviz.of the puddingand the cow's belly. As tothe formerhe said it was a ridiculous legendworthy to be laughed at; but asto the latterhe could not help owning there was some truth in it: nor had heany reason to be ashamed of itas he was swallowed by surprise; addingwithgreat fiercenessthat if he had had any weapon in his hand the cow should haveas soon swallowed the devil.

He spoke the last word with so much furyand seemed soconfoundedthatperceiving the effect it had on himI immediately waived thestoryandpassing to other matterswe had much conversation touching giants.He saidso far from killing anyhe had never seen one alive; that he believedthose actions were by mistake recorded of himinstead of Jack the giant-killerwhom he knew very welland who hadhe fanciedextirpated the race. I assuredhim to the contraryand told him I had myself seen a huge tame giantwho verycomplacently stayed in London a whole winterat the special request of severalgentlemen and ladies; though the affairs of his family called him home toSweden.

I now beheld a stern-looking spirit leaning on the shoulder ofanother spiritand presently discerned the former to be Oliver Cromwellandthe latter Charles Martel. I own I was a little surprised at seeing Cromwellherefor I had been taught by my grandmother that he was carried away by thedevil himself in a tempest; but he assured meon his honorthere was not theleast truth in that story. Howeverhe confessed he had

 

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narrowly escaped the bottomless pit; andif the former part of his conduct hadnot been more to his honor than the latterhe had been certainly soused intoit. He wasneverthelesssent back to the upper world with this lot: -- Armycavalierdistress.

He was bornfor the second timethe day of Charles II'srestorationinto a family which had lost a very considerable fortune in theservice of that prince and his fatherfor which they received the reward veryoften conferred by princes on real meritviz. -- 000. At 16 his father bought asmall commission for him in the armyin which he served without any promotionall the reigns of Charles II and of his brother. At the Revolution he quittedhis regimentand followed the fortunes of his former masterand was in hisservice dangerously wounded at the famous battle of the Boynewhere he foughtin the capacity of a private soldier. He recovered of this woundand retiredafter the unfortunate king to Pariswhere he was reduced to support a wife andseven children (for his lot had horns in it) by cleaning shoes and snuffingcandles at the opera. In which situationafter he had spent a few miserableyearshe died half-starved and broken-hearted. He then revisited Minoswhocompassionating his sufferings by means of that familyto whom he had been inhis former capacity so bitter an enemysuffered him to enter here.

My curiosity would not refrain asking him one questioni.e.whether in reality he had any desire to obtain the crown? He smiledandsaid``No

 

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more than an ecclesiastic hath to the miterwhen he cries Nolo episcopari.''Indeedhe seemed to express some contempt at the questionand presently turnedaway.

A venerable spirit appeared nextwhom I found to be the greathistorian Livy. Alexander the Greatwho was just arrived from the palace ofdeathpassed by him with a frown. The historianobserving itsaid``Ayyoumay frown; but those troops which conquered the base Asiatic slaves would havemade no figure against the Romans.'' We then privately lamented the loss of themost valuable part of his history; after which he took occasion to commend thejudicious collection made by Mr. Hookwhichhe saidwas infinitely preferableto all others; and at my mentioning Echard's he gave a bouncenot unlike thegoing off of a squiband was departing from mewhen I begged him to satisfy mycuriosity in one point -- whether he was really superstitious or no? For I hadalways believed he was till Mr. Leibnitz had assured me to the contrary. Heanswered sullenly``Doth Mr. Leibnitz know my mind better than myself?'' andthen walked away.


 

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CHAPTER X

The author is surprised at meeting Julian theapostate in Elysium; but is satisfied by him by what means he procured hisentrance there. Julian relates his adventures in the character of a slave.

AS he was departing I heard him salute a spirit by the name ofMr. Julian the apostate. This exceedingly amazed me; for I had concluded that noman ever had a better title to the bottomless pit than he. But I soon found thatthis same Julian the apostate was also the very individual archbishop Latimer.He told me that several lies had been raised on him in his former capacitynorwas he so bad a man as he had been represented. Howeverhe had been deniedadmittanceand forced to undergo several subsequent pilgrimages on earthandto act in the different characters of a slavea Jewa generalan heiracarpentera beaua monka fiddlera wise mana kinga foola beggaraprincea statesmana soldiera tailoran aldermana poeta knightadancing-masterand three times a bishopbefore his martyrdomwhichtogetherwith his other behavior in this last charactersatisfied the judgeandprocured him a passage to the blessed regions.

I told him such various characters must have producedincidents extremely entertaining; and if

 

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he remembered allas I supposed he didand had leisureI should be obliged tohim for the recital. He answered he perfectly recollected every circumstance;and as to leisurethe only business of that happy place was to contribute tothe happiness of each other. He therefore thanked me for adding to hisinproposing to him a method of increasing mine. I then took my little darling inone handand my favorite fellow-traveler in the otherandgoing with him to asunny bank of flowerswe all sat downand he began as follows: --

``I suppose you are sufficiently acquainted with my storyduring the time I acted the part of the emperor Julianthough I assure you allwhich hath been related of me is not trueparticularly with regard to the manyprodigies forerunning my death. Howeverthey are now very little worthdisputing; and if they can serve any purpose of the historian they are extremelyat his service.

``My next entrance into the world was at Laodiceain Syriain a Roman family of no great note; andbeing of a roving dispositionI cameat the age of seventeen to Constantinoplewhereafter about a year's stayIset out for Thraceat the time when the emperor Valens admitted the Goths intothat country. I was there so captivated with the beauty of a Gothic ladythewife of one Rodorica captainwhose nameout of the most delicate tendernessfor her lovely sexI shall even at this distance conceal; since her behavior tome was more consistent with good-nature than with that virtue which women areobliged to preserve against every assailant. In order to procure

 

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an intimacy with this woman I sold myself a slave to her husbandwhobeing ofa nation not over-inclined to jealousypresented me to his wifefor those veryreasons which would have induced one of a jealous complexion to have withheld mefrom hernamelyfor that I was young and handsome.

``Matters succeeded so far according to my wishand thesequel answered those hopes which this beginning had raised. I soon perceived myservice was very acceptable to her; I often met her eyesnor did she withdrawthem without a confusion which is scarce consistent with entire purity of heart.Indeedshe gave me every day fresh encouragement; but the unhappy distancewhich circumstances had placed between us deterred me long from making anydirect attack; and she was too strict an observer of decorum to violate thesevere rules of modesty by advancing first; but passion at last got the betterof my respectand I resolved to make one bold attemptwhatever was theconsequence. Accordinglylaying hold of the first kind opportunitywhen shewas alone and my master abroadI stoutly assailed the citadel and carried it bystorm. Well may I say by storm; for the resistance I met was extremely resoluteand indeed as much as the most perfect decency would require. She swore oftenshe would cry out for help; but I answered it was in vainseeing there was noperson near to assist her; and probably she believed mefor she did not onceactually cry outwhich if she hadI might very likely have been prevented.

 

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``When she found her virtue thus subdued against her will shepatiently submitted to her fateand quietly suffered me a long time to enjoythe most delicious fruits of my victory; but envious fortune resolved to make mepay a dear price for my pleasure. One day in the midst of our happiness we weresuddenly surprised by the unexpected return of her husbandwhocoming directlyinto his wife's apartmentjust allowed me time to creep under the bed. Thedisorder in which he found his wife might have surprised a jealous temper; buthis was so far otherwisethat possibly no mischief might have happened had henot by a cross accident discovered my legswhich were not well hid. Heimmediately drew me out by themand thenturning to his wife with a sterncountenancebegan to handle a weapon he wore by his sidewith which I ampersuaded he would have instantly dispatched herhad I not very gallantlyandwith many imprecationsasserted her innocence and my own guilt; whichhoweverI protested had hitherto gone no farther than design. She so well seconded myplea (for she was a woman of wonderful art)that he was at length imposed upon;and now all his rage was directed against methreatening all manner oftortureswhich the poor lady was in too great a fright and confusion todissuade him from executing; and perhapsif her concern for me had made herattempt itit would have raised a jealousy in him not afterwards to be removed.

``After some hesitation Roderic cried out he had luckily hiton the most proper punishment for me

 

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in the worldby a method which would at once do severe justice on me for mycriminal intentionand at the same time prevent me from any danger of executingmy wicked purpose hereafter. This cruel resolution was immediately executedandI was no longer worthy the name of a man.

``Having thus disqualified me from doing him any futureinjuryhe still retained me in his family; but the ladyvery probablyrepenting of what she had doneand looking on me as the author of her guiltwould never for the future give me either a kind word or look: and shortlyaftera great exchange being made between the Romans and the Goths of dogs formenmy lady exchanged me with a Roman widow for a small lap-doggiving aconsiderable sum of money to boot.

``In this widow's service I remained seven yearsduring allwhich time I was very barbarously treated. I was worked without the least mercyand often severely beat by a swinging maid-servantwho never called me by anyother names than those of the Thing and the Animal. Though I used my utmostindustry to pleaseit never was in my power. Neither the lady nor her womanwould eat anything I touchedsaying they did not believe me wholesome. It isunnecessary to repeat particulars; in a wordyou can imagine no kind of illusage which I did not suffer in this family.

``At last an heathen priestan acquaintance of my lady'sobtained me of her for a present. The scene was now totally changedand I hadas much reason to be satisfied with my present situation as

 

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I had to lament my former. I was so absolutely my master's favoritethat therest of the slaves paid me almost as much regard as they showed to himwellknowing that it was entirely in my power to command and treat them as I pleased.I was intrusted with all my master's secretsand used to assist him inprivately conveying away by night the sacrifices from the altarswhich thepeople believed the deities themselves devoured. Upon these we feasted veryelegantlynor could invention suggest a rarity which we did not pamperourselves with. Perhaps you may admire at the close union between this priestand his slavebut we lived in an intimacy which the Christians thoughtcriminal; but my masterwho knew the will of the godswith whom he told me heoften conversedassured me it was perfectly innocent.

``This happy life continued about four yearswhen my master'sdeathoccasioned by a surfeit got by overfeeding on several exquisite daintiesput an end to it.

``I now fell into the hands of one of a very differentdispositionand this was no other than the celebrated St. Chrysostomwhodieted me with sermons instead of sacrificesand filled my ears with goodthingsbut not my belly. Instead of high food to fatten and pamper my fleshIhad receipts to mortify and reduce it. With these I edified so wellthat withina few months I became a skeleton. Howeveras he had converted me to his faithI was well enough satisfied with this new manner of livingby which he taughtme I might insure myself an eternal reward in a future state.

 

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The saint was a good-natured manand never gave me an ill word but oncewhichwas occasioned by my neglecting to place Aristophaneswhich was his constantbedfellowon his pillow. He wasindeedextremely fond of that Greek poetandfrequently made me read his comedies to him. When I came to any of the loosepassages he would smileand say`It was pity his matter was not as pure as hisstyle;' of which latter he was so immoderately fond thatnotwithstanding thedetestation he expressed for obscenityhe hath made me repeat those passagesten times over. The character of this good man hath been very unjustly attackedby his heathen contemporariesparticularly with regard to women; but his severeinvectives against that sex are his sufficient justification.

``From the service of this saintfrom whom I receivedmanumissionI entered into the family of Timasiusa leader of great eminencein the imperial armyinto whose favor I so far insinuated myself that hepreferred me to a good commandand soon made me partaker of both his companyand his secrets. I soon grew intoxicated with this prefermentand the more heloaded me with benefits the more he raised my opinion of my own meritwhichstill outstripping the rewards he conferred on meinspired me rather withdissatisfaction than gratitude. And thusby preferring me beyond my merit orfirst expectationhe made me an envious aspiring enemywhom perhaps a moremoderate bounty would have preserved a dutiful servant.

``I fell now acquainted with one Luciliusa creature

 

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of the prime minister Eutropiuswho had by his favor been raised to the post ofa tribune; a man of low moralsand eminent only in that meanest of qualitiescunning. This gentlemanimagining me a fit tool for the minister's purposehaving often sounded my principles of honor and honestyboth which he declaredto me were words without meaningand finding my ready concurrence in hissentimentsrecommended me to Eutropius as very proper to execute some wickedpurposes he had contrived against my frend Timasius. The minister embraced thisrecommendationand I was accordingly acquainted by Lucilius (after someprevious accounts of the great esteem Eutropius entertained of mefrom thetestimony he had borne of my parts) that he would introduce me to him; addingthat he was a great encourager of meritand that I might depend upon his favor.

``I was with little difficulty prevailed on to accept of thisinvitation. A late hour therefore the next evening being appointedI attendedmy friend Lucilius to the minister's house. He received me with the utmostcivility and cheerfulnessand affected so much regard to methat Iwho knewnothing of these high scenes of lifeconcluded I had in him a mostdisinterested friendowing to the favorable report which Lucilius had made ofme. I was however soon cured of this opinion; for immediately after supper ourdiscourse turned on the injustice which the generality of the world were guiltyof in their conduct to great menexpecting that they should reward theirprivate meritwithout ever endeavoring to apply

 

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it to their use. `What avail' said Eutropius`the learningwitcourageorany virtue which a man may be possessed ofto meunless I receive some benefitfrom them? Hath he not more merit to me who doth my business and obeys mycommandswithout any of these qualities?' I gave such entire satisfaction in myanswers on this headthat both the minister and his creature grew bolderandafter some preface began to accuse Timasius. At lastfinding I did not attemptto defend himLucilius swore a great oath that he was not fit to liveand thathe would destroy him. Eutropius answered that it would be too dangerous a task:`Indeed' says he`his crimes are of so black a dyeand so well known to theemperorthat his death must be a very acceptable serviceand could not failmeeting a proper reward: but I question whether you are capable of executingit.' `If he is not' cried I`I am; and surely no man can have greater motivesto destroy him than myself: forbesides his disloyalty to my princefor whom Ihave so perfect a dutyI have private disobligations to him. I have had fellowsput over my headto the great scandal of the service in generaland to my ownprejudice and disappointment in particular.' I will not repeat you my wholespeech; butto be as concise as possiblewhen we parted that evening theminister squeezed me heartily by the handand with great commendation of myhonesty and assurances of his favorhe appointed me the next evening to come tohim alone; whenfinding meafter a little more scrutinyready for hispurposehe proposed to me to

 

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accuse Timasius of high treasonpromising me the highest rewards if I wouldundertake it. The consequence to himI suppose you knowwas ruin; but what wasit to me? Whytrulywhen I waited on Eutropius for the fulfilling hispromisesreceived me with great distance and coldness; andon my dropping somehints of my expectations from himhe affected not to understand me; saying hethought impunity was the utmost I could hope for on discovering my accomplicewhose offense was only greater than mineas he was in a higher station; andtelling me he had great difficulty to obtain a pardon for me from the emperorwhich he saidhe had struggled very hardly foras he had worked the discoveryout of me. He turned awayand addressed himself to another person.

``I was so incensed at this treatmentthat I resolvedrevengeand should certainly have pursued ithad he not cautiously preventedme by taking effectual means to despatch me soon after out of the world.

``You willI believenow think I had a second good chancefor the bottomless pitand indeed Minos seemed inclined to tumble me intillhe was informed of the revenge taken on me by Rodericand my seven years'subsequent servitude to the widow; which he thought sufficient to make atonementfor all the crimes a single life could admit ofand so sent me back to try myfortune a third time.''


 

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CHAPTER XI

In which Julian relates his adventures in thecharacter of an avaricious Jew.

``THE next character in which I was destined to appear in theflesh was that of an avaricious Jew. I was born in Alexandria in Egypt. My namewas Balthazar. Nothing very remarkable happened to me till the year of thememorable tumult in which the Jews of that city are reported in history to havemassacred more Christians than at that time dwelt in it. Indeedthe truth isthey did maul the dogs pretty handsomely; but I myself was not presentfor asall our people were ordered to be armedI took that opportunity of selling twoswordswhich probably I might otherwise never have disposed ofthey beingextremely old and rusty; so thathaving no weapon leftI did not care toventure abroad. Besidesthough I really thought it an act meriting salvation tomurder the Nazarenesas the fact was to be committed at midnightat whichtimeto avoid suspicionwe were all to sally from our own housesI could notpersuade myself to consume so much oil in sitting up to that hour: for thesereasons therefore I remained at home that evening.

``I was at this time greatly enamored with one

 

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Hypatiathe daughter of a philosopher; a young lady of the greatest beauty andmerit: indeedshe had every imaginable ornament both of mind and body. Sheseemed not to dislike my person; but there were two obstructions to ourmarriageviz.my religion and her poverty: both which might probably have beengot overhad not those dogs the Christians murdered her; andwhat is worseafterwards burned her body: worseI saybecause I lost by that means a jewelof some valuewhich I had presented to herdesigningif our nuptials did nottake placeto demand it of her back again.

``Being thus disappointed in my loveI soon after leftAlexandria and went to the imperial citywhere I apprehended I should find agood market for jewels on the approaching marriage of the emperor with Athenais.I disguised myself as a beggar on this journeyfor these reasons: firstas Iimagined I should thus carry my jewels with greater safety; andsecondlytolessen my expenses; which latter expedient succeeded so wellthat I begged twooboli on my way more than my traveling cost memy diet being chiefly rootsandmy drink water.

``But perhapsit had been better for me if I had been morelavish and more expeditious; for the ceremony was over before I reachedConstantinople; so that I lost that glorious opportunity of disposing of myjewels with which many of our people were greatly enriched.

``The life of a miser is very little worth relatingas it isone constant scheme of getting or saving

 

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money. I shall therefore repeat to you some few only of my adventureswithoutregard to any order.

``A Roman Jewwho was a great lover of Falernian wineandwho indulged himself very freely with itcame to dine at my house; whenknowing he should meet with little wineand that of the cheaper sortsent mein half-a-dozen jars of Falernian. Can you believe I would not give this man hisown wine? SirI adulterated it so that I made six jars of [them] threewhichhe and his friend drank; the other three I afterwards sold to the very personwho originally sent them meknowing he would give a better price than anyother.

``A noble Roman came one day to my house in the countrywhichI had purchasedfor half the valueof a distressed person. My neighbors paidhim the compliment of some musicon which accountwhen he departedhe left apiece of gold with me to be distributed among them. I pocketed this moneyandordered them a small vessel of sour winewhich I could not have sold for abovetwo drachmsand afterwards made them pay in work three times the value of it.

``As I was not entirely void of religionthough I pretendedto infinitely more than I hadso I endeavored to reconcile my transactions tomy conscience as well as possible. Thus I never invited any one to eat with mebut those on whose pockets I had some design. After our collation it wasconstantly my method to set down in a book I kept for that purposewhat Ithought they owed me

 

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for their meal. Indeedthis was generally a hundred times as much as they couldhave dined elsewhere for; buthoweverit was quid pro quoif not ad valorem.Nowwhenever the opportunity offered of imposing on them I considered it onlyas paying myself what they owed me: indeedI did not always confine myselfstrictly to what I had set downhowever extravagant that was; but I reconciledtaking the overplus to myself as usance.

``But I was not only too cunning for others -- I sometimesoverreached myself. I have contracted distempers for want of food and warmthwhich have put me to the expense of a physician; nayI once very narrowlyescaped death by taking bad drugsonly to save one seven-eighth per cent in theprice.

``By these and such like meansin the midst of poverty andevery kind of distressI saw myself master of an immense fortunethe castingup and ruminating on which was my daily and only pleasure. This washoweverobstructed and embittered by two considerationswhich against my will ofteninvaded my thoughts. Onewhich would have been intolerable (but that indeedseldom troubled me)wasthat I must one day leave my darling treasure. Theother haunted me continuallyviz.that my riches were no greater. HoweverIcomforted myself against this reflection by an assurance that they wouldincrease daily: on which head my hopes were so extensive that I may say withVirgil --

`His ego nec metas rerum nec tempora pono.'


 

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Indeed I am convinced thathad I possessed the whole globe of earthsave onesingle drachmawhich I had been certain never to be master of -- I amconvincedI saythat single drachma would have given me more uneasiness thanall the rest could afford me pleasure.

``To say the truthbetween my solicitude in contrivingschemes to procure money and my extreme anxiety in preserving itI never hadone moment of ease while awake nor of quiet when in my sleep. In all thecharacters through which I have passedI have never undergone half the misery Isuffered in this; andindeedMinos seemed to be of the same opinion; for whileI stood trembling and shaking in expectation of my sentence he bid me go backabout my businessfor that nobody was to be d -- n'd in more worlds than one.AndindeedI have since learned that the devil will not receive a miser.''


 

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CHAPTER XII

What happened to Julian in the characters of ageneralan heira carpenterand a beau.

``THE next step I took into the world was at ApolloniainThracewhere I was born of a beautiful Greek slavewho was the mistress ofEutychesa great favorite of the emperor Zeno. That princeat his restorationgave me the command of a cohortI being then but fifteen years of age; and alittle afterwardsbefore I had even seen an armypreferred meover the headsof all the old officersto be a tribune.

``As I found an easy access to the emperorby means of myfather's intimacy with himhe being a very good courtier -- orin other wordsa most prostitute flatterer -- so I soon ingratiated myself with Zenoand sowell imitated my father in flattering himthat he would never part with me fromabout his person. So that the first armed force I ever beheld was that withwhich Marcian surrounded the palacewhere I was then shut up with the rest ofthe court.

``I was afterwards put at the head of a legion and ordered tomarch into Syria with Theodoric the Goth; that isI mean my legion was soordered; foras to myselfI remained at courtwith

 

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the name and pay of a generalwithout the labor or the danger.

``As nothing could be more gayi. e.debauchedthanZeno's courtso the ladies of gay disposition had great sway in it;particularly onewhose name was Faustawhothough not extremely handsomewasby her wit and sprightliness very agreeable to the emperor. With her I lived ingood correspondenceand we together disposed of all kinds of commissions in thearmynot to those who had most meritbut who would purchase at the highestrate. My levee was now prodigiously thronged by officers who returned from thecampaignswhothough they might have been convinced by daily example howineffectual a recommendation their services werestill continued indefatigablein attendanceand behaved to me with as much observance and respect as I shouldhave been entitled to for making their fortuneswhile I suffered them and theirfamilies to starve.

``Several poetslikewiseaddressed verses to mein whichthey celebrated my achievements; and whatperhapsmay seem strange to us atpresentI received all this incense with most greedy vanitywithout oncereflecting thatas I did not deserve these complimentsthey should rather putme in mind of my defects.

``My father was now deadand I became so absolute in theemperor's grace that one unacquainted with courts would scarce believe theservility with which all kinds of persons who entered the walls of the palacebehaved towards me. A bowa smilea nod from meas I passed through

 

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cringing crowdswere esteemed as signal favors; but a gracious word made anyone happy; andindeedhad this real benefit attending itthat it drew on theperson on whom it was bestowed a very great degree of respect from all others;for these are of current value in courtsandlike notes in tradingcommunitiesare assignable from one to the other. The smile of a court favoriteimmediately raises the person who receives itand gives a value to his smilewhen conferred on an inferior: thus the smile is transferred from one to theotherand the great man at last is the person to discount it. For instanceavery low fellow hath a desire for a place. To whom is he to apply? Not to thegreat man; for to him he hath no access. He therefore applies to Awho is thecreature of Bwho is the tool of Cwho is the flatterer of Dwho is thecatamite of Ewho is the pimp of Fwho is the bully of Gwho is the buffoonof Iwho is the husband of Kwho is the whore of Lwho is the bastard of Mwho is the instrument of the great man. Thus the smile descending regularly fromthe great man to Ais discounted back againand at last paid by the great man.

``It is manifest that a court would subsist as difficultlywithout this kind of coin as a trading city without paper credit. Indeedtheydiffer in thisthat their value is not quite so certainand a favorite mayprotest his smile without the danger of bankruptcy.

``In the midst of all this glory the emperor diedandAnastasius was preferred to the crown. As

 

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it was yet uncertain whether I should not continue in favorI was received asusual at my entrance into the palace to pay my respects to the new emperor; butI was no sooner rumped by him than I received the same compliment from all therest; the whole roomlike a regiment of soldiersturning their backs to me allat once: my smile now was become of equal value with the note of a brokenbankerand every one was as cautious not to receive it.

``I made as much haste as possible from the courtand shortlyafter from the cityretreating to the place of my nativitywhere I spent theremainder of my days in a retired life in husbandrythe only amusement forwhich I was qualifiedhaving neither learning nor virtue.

``When I came to the gate Minos again seemed at firstdoubtfulbut at length dismissed me; saying though I had been guilty of manyheinous crimesin as much as I hadthough a generalnever been concerned inspilling human bloodI might return again to earth.

``I was now again born in Alexandriaandby great accidententering into the womb of my daughter-in-lawcame forth my own grandsoninheriting that fortune which I had before amassed.

``Extravagance was now as notoriously my vice as avarice hadbeen formerly; and I spent in a very short life what had cost me the labor of avery long one to rake together. Perhaps you will think my present condition wasmore to be envied than my former: but upon my word it was very little so; forby possessing everything almost before

 

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I desired itI could hardly ever say I enjoyed my wish: I scarce ever knew thedelight of satisfying a craving appetite. Besidesas I never once thoughtmymind was useless to meand I was an absolute stranger to all the pleasuresarising from it. Norindeeddid my education qualify me for any delicacy inother enjoyments; so that in the midst of plenty I loathed everything. Taste forelegance I had none; and the greatest of corporeal blisses I felt no more fromthan the lowest animal. In a wordas while a miser I had plenty without daringto use itso now I had it without appetite.

``But if I was not very happy in the height of my enjoymentso I afterwards became perfectly miserable; being soon overtaken by diseaseandreduced to distresstill at lengthwith a broken constitution and brokenheartI ended my wretched days in a jail: nor can I think the sentence of Minostoo mildwho condemned meafter having taken a large dose of avaricetowander three years on the banks of Cocytuswith the knowledge of having spentthe fortune in the person of the grandson which I had raised in that of thegrandfather.

``The place of my birthon my return to the worldwasConstantinoplewhere my father was a carpenter. The first thing I remember wasthe triumph of Belisariuswhich wasindeedmost noble show; but nothingpleased me so much as the figure of Gelimerking of the African Vandalswhobeing led captive on this occasionreflecting with disdain on the mutation ofhis own fortune

 

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and on the ridiculous empty pomp of the conquerorcried outVANITYVANITYALL IS MERE VANITY.'

``I was bred up to my father's tradeand you may easilybelieve so low a sphere could produce no adventures worth your notice. HoweverI married a woman I likedand who proved a very tolerable wife. My days werepassed in hard laborbut this procured me healthand I enjoyed a homely supperat night with my wife with more pleasure than I apprehend greater persons findat their luxurious meals. My life had scarce any variety in itand at my deathI advanced to Minos with great confidence of entering the gate: but I wasunhappily obliged to discover some frauds I had been guilty of in the measure ofmy work when I worked by the footas well as my laziness when I was employed bythe day. On which accountwhen I attempted to passthe angry judge laid holdon me by the shouldersand turned me back so violentlythathad I had a neckof flesh and boneI believe he would have broke it.''


 

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CHAPTER XIII

Julian passes into a fop.

``MY scene of action was Rome. I was born into a noble familyand heir to a considerable fortune. On which my parentsthinking I should notwant any talentsresolved very kindly and wisely to throw none away upon me.The only instructors of my youth were therefore one Saltatorwho taught meseveral motions for my legs; and one Ficuswhose business was to show me thecleanest way (as he called it) of cutting off a man's head. When I was wellaccomplished in these sciencesI thought nothing more wantingbut what was tobe furnished by the several mechanics in Romewho dealt in dressing andadorning the pope. Being therefore well equipped with all which their art couldproduceI became at the age of twenty a complete finished beau. And now duringforty-five years I dressedI sang and dancedand danced and sangI bowed andogledand ogled and bowedtillin the sixty-sixth year of my ageI got coldby overheating myself with dancingand died.

``Minos told meas I was unworthy of Elysiumso I was tooinsignificant to be damnedand therefore bade me walk back again.''


 

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CHAPTER XIV

Adventures in the person of a monk.

``FORTUNE now placed me in the character of a younger brotherof a good houseand I was in my youth sent to school; but learning was now atso low an ebbthat my master himself could hardly construe a sentence of Latin;and as for Greekhe could not read it. With very little knowledge thereforeand with altogether as little virtueI was set apart for the churchand at theproper age commenced monk. I lived many years retired in a cella life veryagreeable to the gloominess of my temperwhich was much inclined to despise theworld; that isin other wordsto envy all men of superior fortune andqualificationsand in general to hate and detest the human species.Notwithstanding whichI couldon proper occasionssubmit to flatter thevilest fellow in naturewhich I did one Stephenan eunucha favorite of theemperor Justinian IIone of the wickedest wretches whom perhaps the world eversaw. I not only wrote a panegyric on this manbut I commended him as a patternto all others in my sermons; by which means I so greatly ingratiated myself withhimthat he introduced me to the emperor's presencewhere I prevailed so farby the same methodsthat I was shortly taken from my celland preferred

 

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to a place at court. I was no sooner established in the favor of Justinian thanI prompted him to all kind of cruelty. As I was of a sour morose temperandhated nothing more than the symptoms of happiness appearing in any countenanceI represented all kind of diversion and amusement as the most horrid sins. Iinveighed against cheerfulness as levityand encouraged nothing but gravityorto confess the truth to youhypocrisy. The unhappy emperor followed myadviceand incensed the people by such repeated barbaritiesthat he was atlast deposed by them and banished.

``I now retired again to my cell (for historians mistake insaying I was put to death)where I remained safe from the danger of theirritated mobwhom I cursed in my own heart as much as they could curse me.

``Justinianafter three years of his banishmentreturned toConstantinople in disguiseand paid me a visit. I at first affected not to knowhimand without the least compunction of gratitude for his former favorsintended not to receive himtill a thought immediately suggested itself to mehow I might convert him to my advantageI pretended to recollect him; andblaming the shortness of my memory and badness of my eyesI sprung forward andembraced him with great affection.

``My design was to betray him to ApsimarwhoI doubted notwould generously reward such a service. I therefore very earnestly requested himto spend the whole evening with me; to which he consented. I formed an excusefor leaving him a

 

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few minutesand ran away to the palace to acquaint Apsimar with the guest whomI had then in my cell. He presently ordered a guard to go with me and seize him;butwhether the length of my stay gave him any suspicionor whether he changedhis purpose after my departureI know not; for at my return we found he hadgiven us the slip; nor could we with the most diligent search discover him.

``Apsimarbeing disappointed of his preynow raged at me; atfirst denouncing the most dreadful vengeance if I did not produce the deposedmonarch. Howeverby soothing his passion when at the highestand afterwards bycanting and flatteryI made a shift to escape his fury.

``When Justinian was restored I very confidently went to wishhim joy of his restoration: but it seems he had unfortunately heard of mytreacheryso that he at first received me coldlyand afterwards upbraided meopenly with what I had done. I persevered stoutly in denying itas I knew noevidence could be produced against me; tillfinding him irreconcilableIbetook myself to reviling him in my sermonsand on every other occasionas anenemy to the church and good menand as an infidela heretican atheistaheathenand an Arian. This I did immediately on his returnand before he gavethose flagrant proofs of his inhumanity which afterwards sufficiently verifiedall I had said.

``Luckily I died on the same day when a great number of thoseforces which Justinian had sent against the Thracian Bosphorusand who hadexecuted

 

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such unheard-of cruelties thereperished. As every one of these was cast intothe bottomless pitMinos was so tired with condemnationthat he proclaimedthat all present who had not been concerned in that bloody expedition mightifthey pleasedreturn to the other world. I took him at his wordandpresentlyturning aboutbegan my journey.''


 

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CHAPTER XV

Julian passes into the character of a fiddler.

``ROME was now the seat of my nativity. My mother was anAfricana woman of no great beautybut a favoriteI suppose from her pietyof pope Gregory II. Who was my father I know notbut I believe no veryconsiderable man; for after the death of that popewho wasout of hisreligiona very good friend of my motherwe fell into great distressand wereat length reduced to walk the streets of Rome; nor had either of us any othersupport but a fiddleon which I played with pretty tolerable skill; foras mygenius turned naturally to musicso I had been in my youth very earlyinstructed at the expense of the good pope. This afforded us but a very poorlivelihood: forthough I had often a numerous crowd of hearersfew everthought themselves obliged to contribute the smallest pittance to the poorstarving wretch who had given them pleasure. Naysome of the graver sortafteran hour's attention to my musichave gone away shaking their headsand cryingit was a shame such vagabonds were suffered to stay in the city.

``To say the truthI am confident the fiddle would not havekept us alive had we entirely depended on the generosity of my hearers. My

 

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mother therefore was forced to use her own industry; and while I was soothingthe ears of the crowdshe applied to their pocketsand that generally withsuch good success that we now began to enjoy a very comfortable subsistence; andindeedhad we had the least prudence or forecastmight have soon acquiredenough to enable us to quit this dangerous and dishonorable way of life: but Iknow not what is the reason that money got with labor and safety is constantlypreservedwhile the produce of danger and ease is commonly spent as easilyandoften as wickedlyas acquired. Thus we proportioned our expenses rather by whatwe had than what we wanted or even desired; and on obtaining a considerablebooty we have even forced nature into the most profligate extravaganceand havebeen wicked without inclination.

``We carried on this method of thievery for a long timewithout detection: butas Fortune generally leaves persons of extraordinaryingenuity in the lurch at lastso did she us; for my poor mother was taken inthe factandtogether with myselfas her accomplicehurried before amagistrate.

``Luckily for usthe person who was to be our judge was thegreatest lover of music in the whole cityand had often sent for me to play tohimfor whichas he had given me very small rewardsperhaps his gratitude nowmoved him: butwhatever was his motivehe browbeat the informers against usand treated their evidence with so little favorthat their mouths were soonstopped

 

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and we dismissed with honor; acquittedI should rather have it saidfor wewere not suffered to depart till I had given the judge several tunes on thefiddle.

``We escaped the better on this occasion because the personrobbed happened to be a poet; which gave the judgewho was a facetious personmany opportunities of jesting. He said poets and musicians should agreetogetherseeing they had married sisters; which he afterwards explained to bethe sister arts. And when the piece of gold was produced he burst into a loudlaughand said it must be the golden agewhen poets had gold in their pocketsand in that age there could be no robbers. He made many more jests of the samekindbut a small taste will suffice.

``It is a common saying that men should take warning by anysignal delivery; but I cannot approve the justice of it; for to me it seems thatthe acquittal of a guilty person should rather inspire him with confidenceandit had this effect on us: for we now laughed at the lawand despised itspunishmentswhich we found were to be escaped even against positive evidence.We imagined the late example was rather a warning to the accuser than thecriminaland accordingly proceeded in the most impudent and flagitious manner.

``Among other robberiesone nightbeing admitted by theservants into the house of an opulent priestmy mother took an opportunitywhilst the servants were dancing to my tunesto convey away a silver vessel;this she did without the least sacrilegious intention; but it seems the cupwhich was

 

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a pretty large onewas dedicated to holy usesand only borrowed by the prieston an entertainment which he made for some of his brethren. We were immediatelypursued upon this robbery (the cup being taken in our possession)and carriedbefore the same magistratewho had before behaved to us with so muchgentleness: but his countenance was now changedfor the moment the priestappeared against ushis severity was as remarkable as his candor had beenbeforeand we were both ordered to be stripped and whipped through the streets.

``This sentence was executed with great severitythe priesthimself attending and encouraging the executionerwhich he said he did for thegood of our souls; butthough our backs were both flayedneither my mother'storments nor my own afflicted me so much as the indignity offered to my poorfiddlewhich was carried in triumph before meand treated with a contempt bythe multitudeintimating a great scorn for the science I had the honor toprofess; whichas it is one of the noblest inventions of menand as I had beenalways in the highest degree proud of my excellence in itI suffered so muchfrom the ill-treatment my fiddle receivedthat I would have given all myremainder of skin to have preserved it from this affront.

``My mother survived the whipping a very short time; and I wasnow reduced to great distress and miserytill a young Roman of considerablerank took a fancy to mereceived me into his familyand conversed with me inthe utmost familiarity. He had a violent attachment to musicand would

 

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learn to play on the fiddle; butthrough want of genius for the sciencehenever made any considerable progress. HoweverI flattered his performanceandhe grew extravagantly fond of me for so doing. Had I continued this behavior Imight possibly have reaped the greatest advantages from his kindness; but I hadraised his own opinion of his musical abilities so highthat he now began toprefer his skill to minea presumption I could not bear. One day as we wereplaying in concert he was horribly out; nor was it possibleas he destroyed theharmonyto avoid telling him of it. Instead of receiving my correctionheanswered it was my blunder and not hisand that I had mistaken the key. Such anaffront from my own scholar was beyond human patience; I flew into a violentpassionI flung down my instrument in a rageand swore I was not to be taughtmusic at my age. He answeredwith as much warmthnor was he to be instructedby a strolling fiddler. The dispute ended in a challenge to play a prize beforejudges. This wager was determined in my favor; but the purchase was a dear onefor I lost my friend by itwho nowtwitting me with all his kindnesswith myformer ignominious punishmentand the destitute condition from which I had beenby his bounty relieveddiscarded me for ever.

``While I lived with this gentleman I became knownamongothersto Sabinaa lady of distinctionand who valued herself much on hertaste for music. She no sooner heard of my being discarded than she took me intoher housewhere I

 

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was extremely well clothed and fed. Notwithstanding whichmy situation was farfrom agreeable; for I was obliged to submit to her constant reprehensions beforecompanywhich gave me the greater uneasiness because they were always wrong;nor am I certain that she did not by these provocations contribute to my death:foras experience had taught me to give up my resentment to my breadso mypassionsfor want of outward ventpreyed inwardly on my vitalsand perhapsoccasioned the distemper of which I sickened.

``The ladywhoamidst all the faults she foundwas veryfond of menayprobably was the fonder of me the more faults she foundimmediately called in the aid of three celebrated physicians. The doctors (beingwell fee'd) made me seven visits in three daysand two of them were at the doorto visit me the eighth timewhenbeing acquainted that I was just deadtheyshook their heads and departed.

``When I came to Minos he asked me with a smile whether I hadbrought my fiddle with me; andreceiving an answer in the negativehe bid meget about my businesssaying it was well for me that the devil was no lover ofmusic.''


 

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CHAPTER XVI

The history of the wise man.

``I NOW returned to Romebut in a very different character.Fortune had now allotted me a serious part to act. I had even in my infancy agrave dispositionnor was I ever seen to smilewhich infused an opinion intoall about me that I was a child of great solidity; some foreseeing that I shouldbe a judgeand others a bishop. At two years old my father presented me with arattlewhich I broke to pieces with great indignation. This the good parentbeing extremely wiseregarded as an eminent symptom of my wisdomand cried outin a kind of ecstasy`Well saidboy! I warrant thou makest a great man.'

``At school I could never be persuaded to play with my mates;not that I spent my hours in learningto which I was not in the least addictednor indeed had I any talents for it. Howeverthe solemnity of my carriage wonso much on my masterwho was a most sagacious personthat I was his chieffavoriteand my example on all occasions was recommended to the other boyswhich filled them with envyand me with pleasure; butthough they envied methey all paid me that involuntary respect which it is the curse attending thispassion to bear towards its object.

 

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``I had now obtained universally the character of a very wiseyoung manwhich I did not altogether purchase without pains; for the restraintI laid on myself in abstaining from the several diversions adapted to my yearscost me many a yearning; but the pride which I inwardly enjoyed in the fancieddignity of my character made me some amends.

``Thus I passed onwithout anything very memorable happeningto metill I arrived at the age of twenty-threewhen unfortunately I fellacquainted with a young Neapolitan lady whose name was Ariadne. Her beauty wasso exquisite that her first sight made a violent impression on me; this wasagain improved by her behaviorwhich was most genteeleasyand affable:lastlyher conversation completed the conquest. In this she discovered a strongand lively understandingwith the sweetest and most benign temper. This lovelycreature was about eighteen when I first unhappily beheld her at Romeon avisit to a relation with whom I had great intimacy. As our interviews at firstwere extremely frequentmy passions were captivated before I apprehended theleast danger; and the sooner probablyas the young lady herselfto whom Iconsulted every method of recommendationwas not displeased with my being heradmirer.

``Ariadnehaving spent three months at Romenow returned toNaplesbearing my heart with her: on the other handI had all the assurancesconsistent with the constraint under which the most perfect modesty lays a youngwomanthat

 

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her own heart was not entirely unaffected. I soon found her absence gave me anuneasiness not easy to be borne or to remove. I now first applied to diversions(of the graver sortparticularly to music)but in vain; they rather raised mydesires and heightened my anguish. My passion at length grew so violentthat Ibegan to think of satisfying it. As the first step to thisI cautiouslyinquired into the circumstances of Ariadne's parentswith which I was hithertounacquainted: thoughindeedI did not apprehend they were extremely greatnotwithstanding the handsome appearance of their daughter at Rome. Uponexaminationher fortune exceeded my expectationbut was not sufficient tojustify my marriage with herin the opinion of the wise and prudent. I had nowa violent struggle between wisdom and happinessin whichafter severalgrievous pangswisdom got the better. I could by no means prevail with myselfto sacrifice that character of profound wisdomwhich I had with such uniformconduct obtainedand with such caution hitherto preserved. I therefore resolvedto conquer my affectionwhatever it cost me; and indeed it did not cost me alittle.

``While I was engaged in this conflict (for it lasted a longtime) Ariadne returned to Rome: her presence was a terrible enemy to my wisdomwhich even in her absence had with great difficulty stood its ground. It seems(as she hath since told me in Elysium with much merriment) I had made the sameimpressions on her which she had made on me. IndeedI believe my wisdom wouldhave

 

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been totally subdued by this surprisehad it not cunningly suggested to me amethod of satisfying my passion without doing any injury to my reputation. Thiswas by engaging her privately as a mistresswhich was at that time reputableenough at Romeprovided the affair was managed with an air of slyness andgravitythough the secret was known to the whole city.

``I immediately set about this projectand employed every artand engine to effect it. I had particularly bribed her priestand an old femaleacquaintance and distant relation of hersinto my interest: but all was invain; her virtue opposed the passion in her breast as strongly as wisdom hadopposed it in mine. She received my proposals with the utmost disdainandpresently refused to see or hear from me any more.

``She returned again to Naplesand left me in a worsecondition than before. My days I now passed with the most irksome uneasinessand my nights were restless and sleepless. The story of our amour was now prettypublicand the ladies talked of our match as certain; but my acquaintancedenied their assentsaying`Nonohe is too wise to marry so imprudently.'This their opinion gave meI ownvery great pleasure; butto say the truthscarce compensated the pangs I suffered to preserve it.

``One daywhile I was balancing with myselfand had almostresolved to enjoy my happiness at the price of my charactera friend brought meword that Ariadne was married. This news struck me to the soul; and though I hadresolution

 

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enough to maintain my gravity before him (for which I suffered not a little themore)the moment I was alone I threw myself into the most violent fit ofdespairand would willingly have parted with wisdomfortuneand everythingelseto have retrieved her; but that was impossibleand I had now nothing buttime to hope a cure from. This was very tedious in performing itand the longeras Ariadne had married a Roman cavalierwas now become my near neighborand Ihad the mortification of seeing her make the best of wivesand of having thehappiness which I had lostevery day before my eyes.

``If I suffered so much on account of my wisdom in havingrefused AriadneI was not much more obliged to it for procuring me a richwidowwho was recommended to me by an old friend as a very prudent match; andindeedso it washer fortune being superior to mine in the same proportion asthat of Ariadne had been inferior. I therefore embraced this proposaland mycharacter of wisdom soon pleaded so effectually for me with the widowwho washerself a woman of great gravity and discretionthat I soon succeeded; and assoon as decency would permit (of which this lady was the strictest observer) wewere marriedbeing the second day of the second week of the second year afterher husband's death; for she said she thought some period of time above the yearhad a great air of decorum.

``Butprudent as this lady wasshe made me miserable. Herperson was far from being lovelybut her temper was intolerable. During fifteen

 

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years' habitationI never passed a single day without heartily cursing herandthe hour in which we came together. The only comfort I receivedin the midst ofthe highest tormentswas from continually hearing the prudence of my matchcommended by all my acquaintance.

``Thus you seein the affairs of loveI bought thereputation of wisdom pretty dear. In other matters I had it somewhat cheaper;not that hypocrisywhich was the price I gave for itgives one no pain. I haverefused myself a thousand little amusements with a feigned contemptwhile Ihave really had an inclination to them. I have often almost choked myself torestrain from laughing at a jestand (which was perhaps to myself the leasthurtful of all my hypocrisy) have heartily enjoyed a book in my closet which Ihave spoken with detestation of in public. To sum up my history in shortas Ihad few adventures worth rememberingmy whole life was one constant lie; andhappy would it have been for me if I could as thoroughly have imposed on myselfas I did on others: for reflectionat every turnwould often remind me I wasnot so wise as people thought me; and this considerably embittered the pleasureI received from the public commendation of my wisdom. This self-admonitionlikea memento mori or mortalis esmust bein my opiniona very dangerous enemy toflattery: indeeda weight sufficient to counterbalance all the false praise ofthe world. But whether it be that the generality of wise men do not reflect atallor whether they havefrom a constant imposition on otherscontracted

 

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such a habit of deceit as to deceive themselvesI will not determine: it isIbelievemost certain that very few wise men know themselves what fools theyaremore than the world doth. Good gods! could one but see what passes in thecloset of wisdom! how ridiculous a sight must it be to behold the wise manwhodespises gratifying his palatedevouring custard; the sober wise man with hisdram-bottle; orthe anti-carnalist (if I may be allowed the expression)chuckling over a b -- dy book or pictureand perhaps caressing his house-maid!

``But to conclude a character in which I apprehend I made asabsurd a figure as in any in which I trod the stage of earthmy wisdom at lastbut an end to itselfthat isoccasioned my dissolution.

``A relation of mine in the eastern part of the empiredisinherited his sonand left me his heir. This happened in the depth ofwinterwhen I was in my grand climactericand had just recovered of adangerous disease. As I had all the reason imaginable to apprehend the family ofthe deceased would conspire against meand embezzle as much as they couldIadvised with a grave and wise friend what was proper to be done; whether Ishould go myselfor employ a notary on this occasionand defer my journey tothe spring. To say the truthI was most inclined to the latter; the rather asmy circumstances were extremely flourishingas I was advanced in yearsand hadnot one person in the world to whom I should with pleasure bequeath any fortuneat my death.

 

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``My friend told me he thought my question admitted of nomanner of doubt or debate; that common prudence absolutely required my immediatedeparture; addingthat if the same good luck had happened to him he would havebeen already on his journey; `for' continued he`a man who knows the world sowell as youwould be inexcusable to give persons such an opportunity ofcheating youwhoyou must be assuredwill be too well inclined; and as foremploying a notaryremember that excellent maximNe facias per aliumquodfieri potest per te. I own the badness of the season and your very late recoveryare unlucky circumstances; but a wise man must get over difficulties whennecessity obliges him to encounter them.'

``I was immediately determined by this opinion. The duty of awise man made an irresistible impressionand I took the necessity for grantedwithout examination. I accordingly set forward the next morning; verytempestuous weather soon overtook me; I had not traveled three days before Irelapsed into my feverand died.

``I was now as cruelly disappointed by Minos as I had formerlybeen happily so. I advanced with the utmost confidence to the gateand reallyimagined I should have been admitted by the wisdom of my countenanceevenwithout any questions asked: but this was not my case; andto my greatsurpriseMinoswith a menacing voicecalled out to me`You Mr. therewiththe grave countenancewhither so fastpray? Will you pleasebefore you moveany farther forwardsto give me a short account of your transactions below?' Ithen began

 

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and recounted to him my whole historystill expecting at the end of everyperiod that the gate would be ordered to fly open; but I was obliged to go quitethrough with itand then Minos after some little consideration spoke to me asfollows: --

`` `YouMr. Wisemanstand forth if you please. Believe mesira trip back again to earth will be one of the wisest steps you ever tookand really more to the honor of your wisdom than any you have hitherto taken. Onthe other sidenothing could be simpler than to endeavor at Elysium; for whobut a fool would carry a commoditywhich is of such infinite value in oneplaceinto another where it is of none? Butwithout attempting to offend yourgravity with a jestyou must return to the place from whence you cameforElysium was never designed for those who are too wise to be happy.'

``This sentence confounded me greatlyespecially as it seemedto threaten me with carrying my wisdom back again to earth. I told the judgethough he would not admit me at the gateI hoped I had committed no crime whilealive which merited my being wise any longer. He answered meI must take mychance as to that matterand immediately we turned our backs to each other.''


 

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CHAPTER XVII

Julian enters into the person of a king.

``I WAS now born at Oviedo in Spain. My father's name wasVeremondand I was adopted by my uncle king Alphonso the chaste. I don'trecollect in all the pilgrimages I have made on earth that I ever passed a moremiserable infancy than now; being under the utmost confinement and restraintand surrounded with physicians who were ever dosing meand tutors who werecontinually plaguing me with their instructions; even those hours of leisurewhich my inclination would have spent in play were allotted to tedious pomp andceremonywhichat an age wherein I had no ambition to enjoy the servility ofcourtiersenslaved me more than it could the meanest of them. Howeveras Iadvanced towards manhoodmy condition made me some amends; for the mostbeautiful women of their own accord threw out lures for meand I had thehappinesswhich no man in an inferior degree can arrive atof enjoying themost delicious creatureswithout the previous and tiresome ceremonies ofcourtshipunless with the most simpleyoung and unexperienced. As for thecourt ladiesthey regarded me rather as men do the most lovely of the othersex; andthough they outwardly retained some appearance of modestythey

 

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in reality rather considered themselves as receiving than conferring favors.

``Another happiness I enjoyed was in conferring favors ofanother sort; foras I was extremely good-natured and generousso I had dailyopportunities of satisfying those passions. Besides my own princely allowancewhich was very bountifuland with which I did many liberal and good actionsIrecommended numberless persons of merit in distress to the king's noticemostof whom were provided for. Indeedhad I sufficiently known my blessed situationat this timeI should have grieved at nothing more than the death of Alphonsoby which the burden of government devolved upon me; butso blindly fond isambitionand such charms doth it fancy in the power and pomp and splendor of acrownthatthough I vehemently loved that kingand had the greatestobligations to himthe thoughts of succeeding him obliterated my regret at hislossand the wish for my approaching coronation dried my eyes at his funeral.

``But my fondness for the name of king did not make meforgetful of those over whom I was to reign. I considered them in the light inwhich a tender father regards his childrenas persons whose wellbeing God hadintrusted to my care; and againin that in which a prudent lord respects histenantsas those on whose wealth and grandeur he is to build his own. Boththese considerations inspired me with the greatest care for their welfareandtheir good was my first and ultimate concern.

 

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``The usurper Mauregas had impiously obliged himself and hissuccessors to pay to the Moors every year an infamous tribute of an hundredyoung virgins: from this cruel and scandalous imposition I resolved to relievemy country. Accordinglywhen their emperor Abderames the second had theaudaciousness to make this demand of meinstead of complying with it I orderedhis ambassadors to be driven away with all imaginable ignominyand would havecondemned them to deathcould I have done it without a manifest violation ofthe law of nations.

``I now raised an immense army; at the levying of which I madea speech from my throneacquainting my subjects with the necessity and thereasons of the war in which I was going to engage: which I convinced them I hadundertaken for their ease and safetyand not for satisfying any wantonambitionor revenging any private pique of my own. They all declaredunanimously that they would venture their lives and everything dear to them inmy defenseand in the support of the honor of my crown. Accordinglymy levieswere instantly completesufficient numbers being only left to till the land;churchmeneven bishops themselvesenlisting themselves under my banners.

``The armies met at Alveldawhere we were discomfited withimmense lossand nothing but the lucky intervention of the night could havesaved our whole army.

``I retreated to the summit of a hillwhere I abandonedmyself to the highest agonies of grief

 

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not so much for the danger in which I then saw my crownas for the loss ofthose miserable wretches who had exposed their lives at my command. I could notthen avoid this reflection -- thatif the deaths of these people in a warundertaken absolutely for their protection could give me such concernwhathorror must I have felt iflike princes greedy of dominionI had sacrificedsuch numbers to my own pridevanityand ridiculous lust of power.

``After having vented my sorrows for some time in this mannerI began to consider by what means I might possibly endeavor to retrieve thismisfortune; whenreflecting on the great number of priests I had in my armyand on the prodigious force of superstitiona thought luckily suggested itselfto meto counterfeit that St. James had appeared to me in a visionand hadpromised me the victory. While I was ruminating on this the bishop of Najaracame opportunely to me. As I did not intend to communicate the secret to himItook another methodandinstead of answering anything the bishop said to meIpretended to talk to St. Jamesas if he had been really present; till atlengthafter having spoke those things which I thought sufficientand thankedthe saint aloud for his promise of the victoryI turned about to the bishopandembracing him with a pleased countenanceprotested I did not know he waspresent; and theninforming him of this supposed visionI asked him if he hadnot himself seen the saint? He answered me he had; and afterwards proceeded toassure me that this appearance of St.

 

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James was entirely owing to his prayers; for that he was his tutelar saint. Headded he had a vision of him a few hours beforewhen he promised him a victoryover the infidelsand acquainted him at the same time of the vacancy of the seeof Toledo. Nowthis news being really truethough it had happened so latelythat I had not heard of it (norindeedwas it well possible I shouldconsidering the great distance of the way)when I was afterwards acquaintedwith ita little staggered methough far from being superstitious; till beinginformed that the bishop had lost three horses on a late expeditionI wassatisfied.

``The next morningthe bishopat my desiremounted therostrumand trumpeted forth this vision so effectuallywhich he said he hadthat evening twice seen with his own eyesthat a spirit began to be infusedthrough the whole army which rendered them superior to almost any force: thebishop insisted that the least doubt of success was giving the lie to the saintand a damnable sinand he took upon him in his name to promise them victory.

``The army being drawn outI soon experienced the effect ofenthusiasmforhaving contrived another stratagem9to strengthen what the bishop had saidthe soldiers fought more like furiesthan men. My stratagem was this: I had about me a dexterous fellowwho had beenformerly a pimp in my amours. Him I dressed up in a strange antic

 

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dresswith a pair of white colors in his right handa red cross in his leftand having disguised him so that no one could know himI placed him on a whitehorseand ordered him to ride to the head of the armyand cry out`Follow St.James!' These words were reiterated by all the troopswho attacked the enemywith such intrepiditythatnotwithstanding our inferiority of numberswe soonobtained a complete victory.

``The bishop was come up by the time that the enemy wasroutedandacquainting us that he had met St. James by the wayand that hehad informed him of what had passedhe added that he had express orders fromthe saint to receive a considerable sum for his useand that a certain tax oncorn and wine should be settled on his church for ever; and lastlythat ahorseman's pay should be allowed for the future to the saint himselfof whichhe and his successors were appointed receivers. The army received these demandswith such acclamations that I was obliged to comply with themas I could by nomeans discover the impositionnor do I believe I should have gained any creditif I had.

``I had now done with the saintbut the bishop had not; forabout a week afterwards lights were seen in a wood near where the battle wasfought; and in a short time afterwards they discovered his tomb at the sameplace. Upon this the bishop made me a visitand forced me to go thithertobuild a church to himand largely endow it. In a wordthe good man so plaguedme with miracle after miraclethat I was forced to make interest

 

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with the pope to convey him to Toledoto get rid of him.

``But to proceed to other matters. -- There was an inferiorofficerwho had behaved very bravely in the battle against the Moorsand hadreceived several woundswho solicited me for preferment; which I was about toconfer on himwhen one of my ministers came to me in a frightand told me thathe had promised the post I designed for this man to the son of count Alderedo;and that the countwho was a powerful personwould be greatly disobliged atthe refusalas he had sent for his son from school to take possession of it. Iwas obliged to agree with my minister's reasonsand at the same timerecommended the wounded soldier to be preferred by himwhich he faithfullypromised he would; but I met the poor wretch since in Elysiumwho informed mehe was afterwards starved to death.

``None who hath not been himself a princenor any prince tillhis deathcan conceive the impositions daily put on them by their favorites andministers; so that princes are often blamed for the faults of others. The countof Saldagne had been long confined in prisonwhen his sonD. Bernard delCarpiowho had performed the greatest actions against the Moorsentreated meas a reward for his serviceto grant him his father's liberty. The old man'spunishment had been so tediousand the services of the young one so singularlyeminentthat I was very inclinable to grant the request; but my ministersstrongly opposed it; they told me my glory demanded revenge for the dishonor

 

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offered to my family; that so positive a demand carried with it rather the airof menace than entreaty; that the vain detail of his servicesand therecompense due to themwas an injurious reproach; that to grant what had beenso haughtily demanded would argue in the monarch both weakness and timidity; ina wordthat to remit the punishment inflicted by my predecessors would be tocondemn their judgment. Lastlyone told me in a whisper`His whole family areenemies to your house.' By these means the ministers prevailed. The young lordtook the refusal so illthat he retired from courtand abandoned himself todespairwhilst the old one languished in prison. By which meansas I havesince discoveredI lost the use of two of my best subjects.

``To confess the truthI hadby means of my ministersconceived a very unjust opinion of my whole peoplewhom I fancied to be dailyconspiring against meand to entertain the most disloyal thoughtswheninreality (as I have known since my death)they held me in universal respect andesteem. This is a trickI believetoo often played with sovereignswhobysuch meansare prevented from that open intercourse with their subjects whichas it would greatly endear the person of the prince to the peopleso might itoften prove dangerous to a minister who was consulting his own interest only atthe expense of both. I believe I have now recounted to you the most materialpassages of my life; for I assure you there are some incidents in the lives ofkings not extremely worth relating. Everything which passes in their minds

 

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and families is not attended with the splendor which surrounds their throne --indeedthere are some hours wherein the naked king and the naked cobbler canscarce be distinguished from each other.

``Had it not beenhoweverfor my ingratitude to Bernard delCarpioI believe this would have been my last pilgrimage on earth; foras tothe story of St. JamesI thought Minos would have burst his sides at it; but hewas so displeased with me on the other accountthatwith a frownhe criedout`Get thee back againking.' Nor would he suffer me to say another word.''



[9] This silly story is told as a solemn truth (i. e.that St. Jamesreally appeared in the manner this fellow is described) by Mariana1. 778.

 

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CHAPTER XVIII

Julian passes into a fool.

``THE next visit I made to the world was performed in Francewhere I was born in the court of Lewis IIIand had afterwards the honor to bepreferred to be fool to the princewho was surnamed Charles the Simple. ButinrealityI know not whether I might so properly be said to have acted the foolin his court as to have made fools of all others in it. Certain it isI wasvery far from being what is generally understood by that wordbeing a mostcunningdesigningarch knave. I knew very well the folly of my masterand ofmany othersand how to make my advantage of this knowledge.

``I was as dear to Charles the Simple as the player Paris wasto Domitianandlike himbestowed all manner of offices and honors on whom Ipleased. This drew me a great number of followers among the courtierswhoreally mistook me for a fooland yet flattered my understanding. There wasparticularly in the court a fellow who had neither honorhonestysensewitcouragebeautynor indeed any one good qualityeither of mind or bodytorecommend him; but was at the same timeperhapsas cunning a monster as everlived. This gentleman took it into his head to list under my bannerand pursuedme so very assiduously

 

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with flatteryconstantly reminding me of my good sensethat I grewimmoderately fond of him; for though flattery is not most judiciously applied toqualities which the persons flattered possessyet asnotwithstanding my beingwell assured of my own partsI passed in the whole court for a foolthisflattery was a very sweet morsel to me. I therefore got this fellow preferred toa bishopricbut I lost my flatterer by it; for he never afterwards said a civilthing to me.

``I never balked my imagination for the grossness of thereflection on the character of the greatest noble -- nayeven the king himself;of which I will give you a very bold instance. One day his simple majesty toldme he believed I had so much power that his people looked on me as the kingandhimself as my fool. At this I pretended to be angryas with an affront. `Whyhow now?' says the king; `are you ashamed of being a king?' `Nosir' says I`but I am devilishly ashamed of my fool.'

``Herbertearl of Vermandoishad by my means been restoredto the favor of the Simple (for so I used always to call Charles). He afterwardsprevailed with the king to take the city of Arras from earl Baldwinby whichmeansHerbertin exchange for this cityhad Peronne restored to him by countAltmar. Baldwin came to court in order to procure the restoration of his city;buteither through pride or ignoranceneglected to apply to me. As I met himat court during his solicitationI told him he did not apply the right way; heanswered roughly he should not ask

 

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a fool's advice. I replied I did not wonder at his prejudicesince he hadmiscarried already by following a fool's advice; but I told him there were foolswho had more interest than that he had brought with him to court. He answered mesurlily he had no fool with himfor that he traveled alone. `Aymy lord' saysI`I often travel aloneand yet they will have it I always carry a fool withme.' This raised a laugh among the by-standerson which he gave me a blow. Iimmediately complained of this usage to the Simplewho dismissed the earl fromcourt with very hard wordsinstead of granting him the favor he solicited.

``I give you these rather as a specimen of my interest andimpudence than of my wit -- indeedmy jests were commonly more admired thanthey ought to be; for perhaps I was not in reality much more a wit than a fool.Butwith the latitude of unbounded scurrilityit is easy enough to attain thecharacter of witespecially in a courtwhereas all persons hate and envy oneanother heartilyand are at the same time obliged by the constrained behaviorof civility to profess the greatest likingso it isand must bewonderfullypleasant to them to see the follies of their acquaintance exposed by a thirdperson. Besidesthe opinion of the court is as uniform as the fashionand isalways guided by the will of the prince or of the favorite. I doubt not thatCaligula's horse was universally held in his court to be a good and able consul.In the same manner was I universally acknowledged to be the wittiest fool in theworld.

 

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Every word I said raised laughterand was held to be a jestespecially by theladieswho sometimes laughed before I had discovered my sentimentand oftenrepeated that as a jest which I did not even intend as one.

``I was as severe on the ladies as on the menand with thesame impunity; but this at last cost me dear: for once having joked on thebeauty of a lady whose name was Adelaidea favorite of the Simple'sshepretended to smile and be pleased at my wit with the rest of the company; but inreality she highly resented itand endeavored to undermine me with the king. Inwhich she so greatly succeeded (for what cannot a favorite woman do with one whodeserves the surname of Simple?) that the king grew every day more reserved tomeand when I attempted any freedom gave me such marks of his displeasurethatthe courtiers who have all hawks' eyes at a slight from the sovereignsoondiscerned it: and indeedhad I been blind enough not to have discovered that Ihad lost ground in the Simple's favor by his own change in his carriage towardsmeI must have found itnay even felt itin the behavior of the courtiers:foras my company was two days before solicited with the utmost eagernessitwas now rejected with as much scorn. I was now the jest of the ushers and pages;and an officer of the guardson whom I was a little jocosegave me a box onthe earbidding me make free with my equals. This very fellow had been my buttfor many yearswithout daring to lift his hand against me.

 

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``But though I visibly perceived the alteration in the SimpleI was utterly unable to make any guess at the occasion. I had not the leastsuspicion of Adelaide; forbesides her being a very good-humored womanI hadoften made severe jests on her reputationwhich I had all the reason imaginableto believe had given her no offense. But I soon perceived that a woman will bearthe most bitter censures on her morals easier than the smallest reflection onher beauty; for she now declared publiclythat I ought to be dismissed fromcourtas the stupidest of foolsand one in whom there was no diversion; andthat she wondered how any person could have so little taste as to imagine I hadany wit. This speech was echoed through the drawing-roomand agreed to by allpresent. Every one now put on an unusual gravity on their countenance whenever Ispoke; and it was as much out of my power to raise a laugh as formerly it hadbeen for me to open my mouth without one.

``While my affairs were in this posture I went one day intothe circle without my fool's dress. The Simplewho would still speak to mecried out`Sofoolwhat's the matter now?' `Sir' answered I`fools are liketo be so common a commodity at courtthat I am weary of my coat.' `How dostthou mean?' answered the Simple; `what can make them commoner now than usual?'-- `Osir' said I`there are ladies here make your majesty a fool every dayof their lives.' The Simple took no notice of my jestand several present saidmy bones ought to be broke for my impudence;

 

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but it pleased the queenwhoknowing Adelaidewhom she hatedto be the causeof my disgraceobtained me of the kingand took me into her service; so that Iwas henceforth called the queen's fooland in her court received the samehonorand had as much witas I had formerly had in the king's. But as thequeen had really no power unless over her own domesticsI was not treated ingeneral with that complacencenor did I receive those bribes and presentswhich had once fallen to my share.

``Nor did this confined respect continue long: for the queenwho had in fact no taste for humorsoon grew sick of my fooleryandforgetting the cause for which she had taken meneglected me so muchthat hercourt grew intolerable to my temperand I broke my heart and died.

``Minos laughed heartily at several things in my storyandthentelling me no one played the fool in Elysiumbid me go back again.''


 

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CHAPTER XIX

Julian appears in the character of a beggar.

``I NOW returned to Romeand was born into a very poor andnumerous familywhichto be honest with youprocured its livelihood bybegging. Thisif you was never yourself of the callingyou do not knowIsupposeto be as regular a trade as any other; to have its several rules andsecretsor mysterieswhich to learn require perhaps as tedious anapprenticeship as those of any craft whatever.

``The first thing we are taught is the countenance miserable.This indeed nature makes much easier to some than others; but there are none whocannot accomplish itif they begin early enough in youthand before themuscles are grown too stubborn.

``The second thing is the voice lamentable. In thisqualification toonature must have her share in producing the most consummateexcellence: howeverart will hereas in every other instancego a great waywith industry and applicationeven without the assistance of geniusespeciallyif the student begins young.

``There are many other instructionsbut these are the mostconsiderable. The women are taught one practice more than the menfor they areinstructed in the art of cryingthat isto have

 

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their tears ready on all occasions: but this is attained very easily by most.Some indeed arrive at the utmost perfection in this art with incrediblefacility.

``No profession requires a deeper insight into human naturethan the beggar's. Their knowledge of the passions of men is so extensivethatI have often thought it would be of no little service to a politician to havehis education among them. Naythere is a much greater analogy between these twocharacters than is imagined; for both concur in their first and grand principleit being equally their business to delude and impose on mankind. It must beconfessed that they differ widely in the degree of advantage which they make bytheir deceit; forwhereas the beggar is contented with a littlethe politicianleaves but a little behind.

``A very great English philosopher hath remarked our policyin taking care never to address any one with a title inferior to what he reallyclaims. My father was of the same opinion; for I remember when I was a boythepope happening to pass byI tended him with `Praysir;' `For God's sakesir;'`For the Lord's sakesir;' -- To which he answered gravely`Sirrahsirrahyou ought to be whipped for taking the Lord's name in vain;' and in vain it wasindeedfor he gave me nothing. My fatheroverhearing thistook his adviceand whipped me very severely. While I was under correction I promised oftennever to take the Lord's name in vain any more. My father then said`ChildIdo not whip you for taking

 

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his name in vain; I whip you for not calling the pope his holiness.'

``If all men were so wise and good to follow the clergy'sexamplethe nuisance of beggars would soon be removed. I do not remember tohave been above twice relieved by them during my whole state of beggary. Oncewas by a very well-looking manwho gave me a small piece of silveranddeclared he had given me more than he had left himself; the other was by aspruce young fellowwho had that very day first put on his robeswhom Iattended with `Prayreverend sirgood reverend sirconsider your cloth.' Heanswered`I dochildconsider my officeand I hope all our cloth do thesame.' He then threw down some moneyand strutted off with great dignity.

``With the women I had one general formulary: `Sweet prettylady' `God bless your ladyship' `God bless your handsome face.' This generallysucceeded; but I observed the uglier the woman wasthe surer I was of success.

``It was a constant maxim among usthat the greater retinueany one traveled with the less expectation we might promise ourselves from them;but whenever we saw a vehicle with a single or no servant we imagined our bootysureand were seldom deceived.

``We observed great difference introduced by time andcircumstance in the same person; for instancea losing gamester is sometimesgenerousbut from a winner you will as easily obtain his soul as a singlegroat. A lawyer traveling from his country seat to his clients at Romeand a

 

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physician going to visit a patientwere always worth asking; but the same ontheir return were (according to our cant phrase) untouchable.

``The most generaland indeed the truestmaxim among us wasthat those who possessed the least were always the readiest to give. The chiefart of a beggar-man isthereforeto discern the rich from the poorwhichthough it be only distinguishing substance from shadowis by no meansattainable without a pretty good capacity and a vast degree of attention; forthese two are eternally industrious in endeavoring to counterfeit each other. Inthis deceit the poor man is more heartily in earnest to deceive you than therichwhoamidst all the emblems of poverty which he puts onstill permitssome mark of his wealth to strike the eye. Thuswhile his apparel is not wortha groathis finger wears a ring of valueor his pocket a gold watch. In awordhe seems rather to affect poverty to insult than impose on you. Now thepoor manon the contraryis very sincere in his desire of passing for rich;but the eagerness of this desire hurries him to over-act his partand hebetrays himself as one who is drunk by his overacted sobriety. Thusinstead ofbeing attended by one servant well mountedhe will have two; andnot beingable to purchase or maintain a second horse of valueone of his servants atleast is mounted on a hired rascallion. He is not contented to go plain and neatin his clothes; he therefore claps on some tawdry ornamentand what he adds tothe fineness of his vestment he detracts from the fineness of his linen.

 

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Without descending into more minute particularsI believe I may assert it as anaxiom of indubitable truththat whoever shows you he is either in himself orhis equipage as gaudy as he canconvinces you he is more so than he can afford.Nowwhenever a man's expense exceeds his incomehe is indifferent in thedegree; we had therefore nothing more to do with such than to flatter them withtheir wealth and splendorand were always certain of success.

``There isindeedone kind of rich man who is commonly moreliberalnamelywhere riches surprise himas it werein the midst of povertyand distressthe consequence of which isI ownsometimes excessive avaricebut oftener extreme prodigality. I remember one of these whohaving received apretty large sum of moneygave mewhen I begged an obolusa whole talent; onwhich his friend having reproved himhe answeredwith an oath`Why not? HaveI not fifty left?'

``The life of a beggarif men estimated things by their realessenceand not by their outward false appearancewould beperhapsa moredesirable situation than any of those which ambition persuades uswith suchdifficultydangerand often villainyto aspire to. The wants of a beggar arecommonly as chimerical as the abundance of a nobleman; for besides vanitywhicha judicious beggar will always apply to with wonderful efficacythere are inreality very few natures so hardened as not to compassionate poverty anddistresswhen the predominancy of some other passion doth not prevent them.

 

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``There is one happiness which attends money got with easenamelythat it is never hoarded; otherwiseas we have frequent opportunitiesof growing richthat canker care might prey upon our quietas it doth onothers; but our money stock we spend as fast as we acquire it; usually at leastfor I speak not without exception; thus it gives us mirth onlyand no trouble.Indeedthe luxury of our lives might introduce diseasesdid not our dailyexercise prevent them. This gives us an appetite and relish for our daintiesand at the same time an antidote against the evil effects which slothunitedwith luxuryinduces on the habit of a human body. Our women we enjoy withecstasies at least equal to what the greatest men feel in their embraces. I canI am assuredsay of myselfthat no mortal could reap more perfect happinessfrom the tender passion than my fortune had decreed me. I married a charmingyoung woman for love; she was the daughter of a neighboring beggarwhowith animprovidence too often seenspent a very large income which he procured by hisprofessionso that he was able to give her no fortune down; howeverat hisdeath he left her a very well accustomed begging-hutsituated on the side of asteep hillwhere travelers could not immediately escape from usand a gardenadjoiningbeing the twenty-eighth part of an acrewell planted. She made thebest of wivesbore me nineteen childrenand never failedunless on herlying-inwhich generally lasted three daysto get my supper ready against myreturn home in an evening; this being my favorite mealand

 

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at which Ias well as my whole familygreatly enjoyed ourselves; the principalsubject of our discourse being generally the boons we had that day obtainedonwhich occasionslaughing at the folly of the donors made no inconsiderable partof the entertainment; forwhatever might be their motive for givingweconstantly imputed our success to our having flattered their vanityoroverreached their understanding.

``But perhaps I have dwelt too long on this character; I shallconcludethereforewith telling you that after a life of 102 years'continuanceduring all which I had never known any sickness or infirmity butthat which old age necessarily inducedI at lastwithout the least painwentout like the snuff of a candle.

``Minoshaving heard my historybid me computeif I couldhow many lies I had told in my life. As we are hereby a certain fatednecessityobliged to confine ourselves to truthI answeredI believed about50000000. He then repliedwith a frown`Can such a wretch conceive any hopesof entering Elysium?' I immediately turned aboutandupon the wholewasrejoiced at his not calling me back.''


 

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CHAPTER XX

Julian performs the part of a statesman.

``IT was now my fortune to be born of a German princess; but aman-midwifepulling my head off in delivering my motherput a speedy end to myprincely life.

``Spirits who end their lives before they are at the age offive years are immediately ordered into other bodies; and it was now my fortuneto perform several infancies before I could again entitle myself to anexamination of Minos.

``At length I was destined once more to play a considerablepart on the stage. I was born in Englandin the reign of Ethelred II. Myfather's name was Ulnoth: he was earl or thane of Sussex. I was afterwards knownby the name of earl Goodwinand began to make a considerable figure in theworld in the time of Harold Harefootwhom I procured to be made king of Wessexor the West Saxonsin prejudice of Hardicanutewhose mother Emma endeavoredafterwards to set another of her sons on the throne; but I circumvented herandcommunicating her design to the kingat the same time acquainted him witha project which I had formed for the murder of these two young princes. Emma hadsent for these her sons from Normandywith the king's leavewhom she haddeceived by her religious behavior

 

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and pretended neglect of all worldly affairs; but I prevailed with Harold toinvite these princes to his courtand put them to death. The prudent mothersent only Alfredretaining Edward to herselfas she suspected my ill designsand thought I should not venture to execute them on one of her sonswhile shesecured the other; but she was deceivedfor I had no sooner Alfred in mypossession than I caused him to be conducted to Elywhere I ordered his eyes tobe put outand afterwards to be confined in a monastery.

``This was one of those cruel expedients which great mensatisfy themselves well in executingby concluding them to be necessary to theservice of their princewho is the support of their ambition.

``Edwardthe other son of Emmaescaped again to Normandy;whenceafter the death of Harold and Hardicanutehe made no scruple ofapplying to my protection and favorthough he had before prosecuted me with allthe vengeance he was ablefor the murder of his brother; but in all greataffairs private relation must yield to public interest. Having thereforeconcluded very advantageous terms for myself with himI made no scruple ofpatronizing his causeand soon placed him on the throne. Nor did I conceive theleast apprehension from his resentmentas I knew my power was too great for himto encounter.

``Among other stipulated conditionsone was to marry mydaughter Editha. This Edward consented to with great reluctanceand I hadafterwards no reason to be pleased with it; for it raised herwho had been myfavorite childto such an <121> opinion of greatnessthatinstead ofpaying me the usual respectshe frequently threw in my teeth (as often at leastas I gave her any admonition)that she was now a queenand that the characterand title of father merged in that of subject. This behaviorhoweverdid notcure me of my affection towards hernor lessen the uneasiness which Iafterwards bore on Edward's dismissing her from his bed.

``One thing which principally induced me to labor thepromotion of Edward was the simplicity or weakness of that princeunder whom Ipromised myself absolute dominion under another name. Nor did this opiniondeceive me; forduring his whole reignmy administration was in the highestdegree despotic: I had everything of royalty but the outward ensigns; no manever applying for a placeor any kind of prefermentbut to me only. Acircumstance whichas it greatly enriched my coffersso it no less pampered myambitionand satisfied my vanity with a numerous attendance; and I had thepleasure of seeing those who only bowed to the king prostrating themselvesbefore me.

``Edward the Confessoror St. Edwardas some have calledhimin derision I supposebeing a very silly fellowhad all the faultsincidentand almost inseparableto fools. He married my daughter Editha fromhis fear of disobliging me; and afterwardsout of hatred to merefused even toconsummate his marriagethough she was one of the most beautiful women of herage. He was likewise guilty of the basest ingratitude to his

 

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mother (a vice to which fools are chieflyif not onlyliable); andin returnfor her endeavors to procure him a throne in his youthconfined her in aloathsome prison in her old age. Thisit is truehe did by my advice; but asto her walking over nine plowshares red-hotand giving nine manorswhen shehad not one in her possessionthere is not a syllable of veracity in it.

``The first great perplexity I fell into was on the account ofmy son Swanewho had deflowered the abbess of Leonsince called LeominsterinHerefordshire. After this fact he retired into Denmarkwhence he sent to me toobtain his pardon. The king at first refused itbeing moved theretoas Iafterwards foundby some churchmenparticularly by one of his chaplainswhomI had prevented from obtaining a bishopric. Upon this my son Swane invaded thecoasts with several shipsand committed many outrageous cruelties; whichindeeddid his businessas they served me to apply to the fear of this kingwhich I had long since discovered to be his predominant passion. Andat lasthe who had refused pardon to his first offense submitted to give it him after hehad committed many other more monstrous crimes; by which his pardon lost allgrace to the offendedand received double censure from all others.

``The king was greatly inclined to the Normanshad created aNorman archbishop of Canterburyand had heaped extraordinary favors on him. Ihad no other objection to this man than that he rose without my assistance; acause of dislike whichin the reign of great and powerful favorites

 

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hath often proved fatal to the persons who have given itas the persons thusraised inspire us constantly with jealousies and apprehensions. For when wepromote any one ourselveswe take effectual care to preserve such an ascendantover himthat we can at any time reduce him to his former degreeshould hedare to act in opposition to our wills; for which reason we never suffer any tocome near the prince but such as we are assured it is impossible should becapable of engaging or improving his affection; no prime ministeras Iapprehendesteeming himself to be safe while any other shares the ear of hisprinceof whom we are as jealous as the fondest husband can be of his wife.Whoeverthereforecan approach him by any other channel than that ofourselvesisin our opiniona declared enemyand one whom the firstprinciples of policy oblige us to demolish with the utmost expedition. For theaffection of kings is as precarious as that of womenand the only way to secureeither to ourselves is to keep all others from them.

``But the archbishop did not let matters rest on suspicion. Hesoon gave open proofs of his interest with the Confessor in procuring an officeof some importance for one Rolloa Roman of mean extraction and very despicableparts. When I represented to the king the indecency of conferring such an honoron such a fellowhe answered me that he was the archbishop's relation. `Thensir' replied I`he is related to your enemy.' Nothing more passed at thattime; but I soon perceivedby the archbishop's behaviorthat the king

 

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had acquainted him with our private discourse; a sufficient assurance of hisconfidence in him and neglect of me.

``The favor of princeswhen once lostis recoverable only bythe gaining a situation which may make you terrible to them. As I had no doubtof having lost all credit with this kingwhich indeed had been originallyfounded and constantly supported by his fearso I took the method of terror toregain it.

``The earl of Boulogne coming over to visit the king gave mean opportunity of breaking out into open opposition; foras the earl was on hisreturn to Franceone of his servantswho was sent before to procure lodgingsat Doverand insisted on having them in the house of a private man in spite ofthe owner's teethwasin a fray which ensuedkilled on the spot; and the earlhimselfarriving there soon aftervery narrowly escaped with his life. Theearlenraged at this affrontreturned to the king at Gloucester with loudcomplaints and demands of satisfaction. Edward consented to his demandsandordered me to chastise the rioterswho were under my government as earl ofKent: butinstead of obeying these ordersI answeredwith some warmththatthe English were not used to punish people unheardnor ought their rights andprivileges to be violated; that the accused should be first summoned -- ifguiltyshould make satisfaction both with body and estatebutif innocentshould be discharged. Addingwith great ferocitythat as earl of Kent it wasmy duty

 

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to protect those under my government against the insults of foreigners.

``This accident was extremely luckyas it gave my quarrelwith the king a popular colorand so ingratiated me with the peoplethat whenI set up my standardwhich I soon after didthey readily and cheerfully listedunder my banners and embraced my causewhich I persuaded them was their own;for that it was to protect them against foreigners that I had drawn my sword.The word foreigners with an Englishman hath a kind of magical effecttheyhaving the utmost hatred and aversion to themarising from the cruelties theysuffered from the Danes and some other foreign nations. No wonder therefore theyespoused my cause in a quarrel which had such a beginning.

``But what may be somewhat more remarkable isthat when Iafterwards returned to England from banishmentand was at the head of an armyof the Flemishwho were preparing to plunder the city of LondonI stillpersisted that I was come to defend the English from the danger of foreignersand gained their credit. Indeedthere is no lie so gross but it may be imposedon the people by those whom they esteem their patrons and defenders.

``The king saved his city by being reconciled to meandtaking again my daughterwhom he had put away from him; and thushavingfrightened the king into what concessions I thought properI dismissed my armyand fleetwith which I intendedcould I not have succeeded otherwiseto

 

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have sacked the city of London and ravaged the whole country.

``I was no sooner re-established in the king's favororwhatwas as well for methe appearance of itthan I fell violently on thearchbishop. He had of himself retired to his monastery in Normandy; but that didnot content me: I had him formally banishedthe see declared vacantand thenfilled up by another.

``I enjoyed my grandeur a very short time after my restorationto it; for the kinghating and fearing me to a very great degreeand findingno means of openly destroying meat last effected his purpose by poisonandthen spread abroad a ridiculous storyof my wishing the next morsel might chokeme if I had had any hand in the death of Alfred; andaccordinglythat the nextmorselby a divine judgmentstuck in my throat and performed that office.

``This of a statesman was one of my worst stages in the otherworld. It is a post subjected daily to the greatest danger and inquietudeandattended with little pleasure and less ease. In a wordit is a pill whichwasit not gilded over by ambitionwould appear nauseous and detestable in the eyeof every one; and perhaps that is one reason why Minos so greatly compassionatesthe case of those who swallow it: for that just judge told me he alwaysacquitted a prime minister who could produce one single good action in his wholelifelet him have committed ever so many crimes. IndeedI understood him alittle too largelyand was stepping towards the gate; but he pulled me

 

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by the sleeveandtelling me no prime minister ever entered therebid me goback again; sayinghe thought I had sufficient reason to rejoice in my escapingthe bottomless pitwhich half my crimes committed in any other capacity wouldhave entitled me to.''


 

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CHAPTER XXI

Julian's adventures in the post of a soldier.

``I WAS born at Caenin Normandy. My mother's name wasMatilda; as for my fatherI am not so certainfor the good woman on herdeath-bed assured me she herself could bring her guess to no greater certaintythan to five of duke William's captains. When I was no more than thirteen (beingindeed a surprising stout boy of my age) I enlisted into the army of dukeWilliamafterwards known by the name of William the Conquerorlanded with himat Pemesey or Pemseyin Sussexand was present at the famous battle ofHastings.

``At the first onset it was impossible to describe myconsternationwhich was heightened by the fall of two soldiers who stood by me;but this soon abatedand by degreesas my blood grew warmI thought no moreof my own safetybut fell on the enemy with great furyand did a good deal ofexecution; tillunhappilyI received a wound in my thighwhich rendered meunable to stand any longerso that I now lay among the deadand was constantlyexposed to the danger of being trampled to deathas well by my fellow-soldiersas by the enemy. HoweverI had the fortune to escape itand continued theremaining part of the day and the night following on the ground.

 

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``The next morningthe duke sending out parties to bring offthe woundedI was found almost expiring with loss of blood; notwithstandingwhichas immediate care was taken to dress my woundsyouth and a robustconstitution stood my friendsand I recovered after a long and tediousindispositionand was again able to use my limbs and do my duty.

``As soon as Dover was taken I was conveyed thither with allthe rest of the sick and wounded. Here I recovered of my wound; but fellafterwards into a violent fluxwhichwhen it departedleft me so weak that itwas long before I could regain my strength. And what most afflicted me wasthatduring my whole illnesswhen I languished under want as well as sicknessI haddaily the mortification to see and hear the riots and excess of myfellow-soldierswho had happily escaped safe from the battle.

``I was no sooner well than I was ordered into garrison atDover Castle. The officers here fared very indifferentlybut the private menmuch worse. We had great scarcity of provisionsandwhat was yet moreintolerablewere so closely confined for want of room (four of us being obligedto lie on the same bundle of straw)that many diedand most sickened.

``Here I had remained about four monthswhen one night wewere alarmed with the arrival of the earl of Boulognewho had come over privilyfrom Franceand endeavored to surprise the castle. The design provedineffectual; for the garrison making a brisk sallymost of his men were tumbled

 

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down the precipiceand he returned with a very few back to France. In thisactionhoweverI had the misfortune to come off with a broken arm; it was soshatteredthatbesides a great deal of pain and misery which I endured in mycureI was disabled for upwards of three months.

``Soon after my recovery I had contracted an amour with ayoung woman whose parents lived near the garrisonand were in much bettercircumstances than I had reason to expect should give their consent to thematch. Howeveras she was extremely fond of me (as I was indeed distractedlyenamored of her)they were prevailed on to comply with her desiresand the daywas fixed for our marriage.

``On the evening precedingwhile I was exulting with theeager expectation of the happiness I was the next day to enjoyI receivedorders to march early in the morning towards Windsorwhere a large army was tobe formedat the head of which the king intended to march into the west. Anyperson who hath ever been in love may easily imagine what I felt in my mind onreceiving those orders; and what still heightened my torments wasthat thecommanding officer would not permit any one to go out of the garrison thatevening; so that I had not even an opportunity of taking leave of my beloved.

``The morning came which was to have put me in the possessionof my wishes; butalas! the scene was now changedand all the hopes which Ihad raised were now so many ghosts to hauntand furies to torment me.

 

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``It was now the midst of winterand very severe weather forthe season; when we were obliged to make very long and fatiguing marchesinwhich we suffered all the inconveniences of cold and hunger. The night in whichI expected to riot in the arms of my beloved mistress I was obliged to take upwith a lodging on the groundexposed to the inclemencies of a rigid frost; norcould I obtain the least comfort of sleepwhich shunned me as its enemy. Inshortthe horrors of that night are not to be describedor perhaps imagined.They made such an impression on my soulthat I was forced to be dipped threetimes in the river Lethe to prevent my remembering it in the characters which Iafterwards performed in the flesh.''

Here I interrupted Julian for the first timeand told him nosuch dipping had happened to me in my voyage from one world to the other: but hesatisfied me by saying ``that this only happened to those spirits which returnedinto the fleshin order to prevent that reminiscence which Plato mentionsandwhich would otherwise cause great confusion in the other world.''

He then proceeded as follows: ``We continued a very laboriousmarch to Exeterwhich we were ordered to besiege. The town soon surrenderedand his majesty built a castle therewhich he garrisoned with his Normansandunhappily I had the misfortune to be one of the number.

``Here we were confined closer than I had been at Dover; foras the citizens were extremely disaffectedwe were never suffered to go withoutthe

 

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walls of the castle; nor indeed could weunless in large bodieswithout theutmost danger. We were likewise kept to continual dutynor could anysolicitations prevail with the commanding officer to give me a month's absenceto visit my lovefrom whom I had no opportunity of hearing in all my longabsence.

``Howeverin the springthe people being more quietandanother officer of a gentler temper succeeding to the principal commandIobtained leave to go to Dover; but alas! what comfort did my long journey bringme? I found the parents of my darling in the utmost misery at her loss; for shehad diedabout a week before my arrivalof a consumptionwhich they imputedto her pining at my sudden departure.

``I now fell into the most violent and almost raving fit ofdespair. I cursed myselfthe kingand the whole worldwhich no longer seemedto have any delight for me. I threw myself on the grave of my deceased loveandlay there without any kind of sustenance for two whole days. At last hungertogether with the persuasions of some people who took pity on meprevailed withme to quit that situationand refresh myself with food. They then persuaded meto return to my postand abandon a place where almost every object I sawrecalled ideas to my mind whichas they saidI should endeavor with my utmostforce to expel from it. This advice at length succeeded; the ratheras thefather and mother of my beloved refused to see melooking on me as the innocentbut certain cause of the death of their only child

 

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``The loss of one we tenderly loveas it is one of the mostbitter and biting evils which attend human lifeso it wants the lenitive whichpalliates and softens every other calamity; I mean that great relieverhope. Noman can be so totally undonebut that he may still cherish expectation: butthis deprives us of all such comfortnor can anything but time alone lessen it.Thishoweverin most mindsis sure to work a slow but effectual remedy; sodid it in mine: for within a twelve-month I was entirely reconciled to myfortuneand soon after absolutely forgot the object of a passion from which Ihad promised myself such extreme happinessand in the disappointment of which Ihad experienced such inconceivable misery.

``At the expiration of the month I returned to my garrison atExeter; where I was no sooner arrived than I was ordered to march into thenorthto oppose a force there levied by the earls of Chester andNorthumberland. We came to Yorkwhere his majesty pardoned the heads of therebelsand very severely punished some who were less guilty. It wasparticularly my lot to be ordered to seize a poor man who had never been out ofhis houseand convey him to prison. I detested this barbarityyet was obligedto execute it; naythough no reward would have bribed me in a private capacityto have acted such a partyet so much sanctity is there in the commands of amonarch or general to a soldierthat I performed it without reluctancenor hadthe tears of his wife and family any prevalence with me.

 

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``But thiswhich was a very small piece of mischief incomparison with many of my barbarities afterwardswas howeverthe only onewhich ever gave me any uneasiness; for when the king led us afterwards intoNorthumberland to revenge those people's having joined with Osborne the Dane inhis invasionand orders were given us to commit what ravages we couldI wasforward in fulfilling themandamong some lesser cruelties (I remember it yetwith sorrow)I ravished a womanmurdered a little infant playing in her lapand then burned her house. In shortfor I have no pleasure in this part of myrelationI had my share in all the cruelties exercised on those poor wretches;which were so grievousthat for sixty miles togetherbetween York and Durhamnot a single housechurchor any other public or private edificewas leftstanding.

``We had pretty well devoured the countrywhen we wereordered to march to the Isle of Elyto oppose Herewarda bold and stoutsoldierwho had under him a very large body of rebelswho had the impudence torise against their king and conqueror (I talk now in the same style I did then)in defense of their libertiesas they called them. These were soon subdued; butas I happened (more to my glory than my comfort) to be posted in that partthrough which Hereward cut his wayI received a dreadful cut on the foreheadasecond on the shoulderand was run through the body with a pike.

``I languished a long time with these woundswhich made meincapable of attending the king

 

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into Scotland. HoweverI was able to go over with him afterwards into Normandyin his expedition against Philipwho had taken the opportunity of the troublesin England to invade that province. Those few Normans who bad survived theirwoundsand had remained in the Isle of Elywere all of our nation who wentthe rest of his army being all composed of English. In a skirmish near the townof Mans my leg was broke and so shattered that it was forced to be cut off.

``I was now disabled from serving longer in the army; andaccordinglybeing discharged from the serviceI retired to the place of mynativitywherein extreme povertyand frequent bad health from the manywounds I had receivedI dragged on a miserable life to the age of sixty-three;my only pleasure being to recount the feats of my youthin which narratives Igenerally exceeded the truth.

``It would be tedious and unpleasant to recount to you theseveral miseries I suffered after my return to Caen; let it sufficethey wereso terrible that they induced Minos to compassionate meandnotwithstandingthe barbarities I had been guilty of in Northumberlandto suffer me to go oncemore back to earth.''


 

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CHAPTER XXII

What happened to Julian in the person of atailor.

``FORTUNE now stationed me in a character which theingratitude of mankind hath put them on ridiculingthough they owe to it notonly a relief from the inclemencies of coldto which they would otherwise beexposedbut likewise a considerable satisfaction of their vanity. The characterI mean was that of a tailor; whichif we consider it with due attentionmustbe confessed to have in it great dignity and importance. Forin realitywhoconstitutes the different degrees between men but the tailor? the prince indeedgives the titlebut it is the tailor who makes the man. To his labors are owingthe respect of crowdsand the awe which great men inspire into their beholdersthough these are too often unjustly attributed to other motives. Lastlytheadmiration of the fair is most commonly to be placed to his account.

``I was just set up in my trade when I made three suits offine clothes for king Stephen's coronation. I question whether the person whowears the rich coat hath so much pleasure and vanity in being admired in itaswe tailors have from that admiration; and perhaps a philosopher would say he isnot so well entitled to it. I bustled on the day of the ceremony through the

 

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crowdand it was with incredible delight I heard several sayas my clotheswalked by`Bless mewas ever anything so fine as the earl of Devonshire? Surehe and Sir Hugh Bigot are the two best dressed men I ever saw.' Now both thosesuits were of my making.

``There would indeed be infinite pleasure in working for thecourtiersas they are generally genteel menand show one's clothes to the bestadvantagewas it not for one small discouragement; this isthat they neverpay. I solemnly protestthough I lost almost as much by the court in my life asI got by the cityI never carried a suit into the latter with half thesatisfaction which I have done to the former; though from that I was certain ofready moneyand from this almost as certain of no money at all.

``Courtiers mayhoweverbe divided into two sortsveryessentially different from each other; into those who never intend to pay fortheir clothes; and those who do intend to pay for thembut never happen to beable. Of the latter sort are many of those young gentlemen whom we equip out forthe armyand who areunhappily for uscut off before they arrive atpreferment. This is the reason that tailorsin time of warare mistaken forpoliticians by their inquisitiveness into the event of battlesone campaignvery often proving the ruin of half-a-dozen of us. I am sure I had frequentreason to curse that fatal battle of Cardiganwhere the Welsh defeated some ofking Stephen's best troopsand where many a good suit of mine unpaid forfellto the ground.

 

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``The gentlemen of this honorable calling have fared muchbetter in later ages than when I was of it; for now it seems the fashion iswhen they apprehend their customer is not in the best circumstancesif they arenot paid as soon as they carry home the suitthey charge him in their book asmuch again as it is worthand then send a gentleman with a small scrip ofparchment to demand the money. If this be not immediately paid the gentlemantakes the beau with him to his housewhere he locks him up till the tailor iscontented: but in my time these scrips of parchment were not in use; and if thebeau disliked paying for his clothesas very often happenedwe had no methodof compelling him.

``In several of the characters which I have related to youIapprehend I have sometimes forgot myselfand considered myself as reallyinterested as I was when I personated them on earth. I have just now caughtmyself in the fact; for I have complained to you as bitterly of my customers asI formerly used to do when I was the tailor: but in realitythough there weresome few persons of very great qualityand some otherswho never paid theirdebtsyet those were but a fewand I had a method of repairing this loss. Mycustomers I divided under three heads: those who paid ready moneythose whopaid slowand those who never paid at all. The first of these I consideredapart by themselvesas persons by whom I got a certain but small profit. Thetwo last I lumped togethermaking those who paid slow contribute to repair mylosses by those who did not

 

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pay at all. Thusupon the wholeI was a very inconsiderable loserand mighthave left a fortune to my familyhad I not launched forth into expenses whichswallowed up all my gains. I had a wife and two children. These indeed I keptfrugally enoughfor I half starved them; but I kept a mistress in a finer wayfor whom I had a country-housepleasantly situated on the Thameselegantlyfitted up and neatly furnished. This woman might very properly be called mymistressfor she was most absolutely so; and though her tenure was no higherthan by my willshe domineered as tyrannically as if my chains had been rivetedin the strongest manner. To all this I submittednot through any adoration ofher beautywhich was indeed but indifferent. Her charms consisted in littlewantonnesseswhich she knew admirably well to use in hours of dallianceandwhichI believeare of all things the most delightful to a lover.

``She was so profusely extravagantthat it seemed as if shehad an actual intent to ruin me. This I am sure ofif such had been her realintentionshe could have taken no properer way to accomplish it; nayI myselfmight appear to have had the same view: forbesides this extravagant mistressand my country-houseI kept likewise a brace of huntersrather for that it wasfashionable so to do than for any great delight I took in the sportwhich Ivery little attended; not for want of leisurefor few noblemen had so much. Allthe work I ever did was taking measureand that only of my greatest and bestcustomers. I

 

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scare ever cut a piece of cloth in my lifenor was indeed much more able tofashion a coat than any gentleman in the kingdom. This made a skillful servanttoo necessary to me. He knew I must submit to any terms withor any treatmentfromhim. He knew it was easier for him to find another such a tailor as methan for me to procure such another workman as him: for this reason he exertedthe most notorious and cruel tyrannyseldom giving me a civil word; nor couldthe utmost condescension on my sidethough attended with continual presents andrewardsand raising his wagescontent or please him. In a wordhe was asabsolutely my master as was ever an ambitiousindustrious prime minister overan indolent and voluptuous king. All my other journeymen paid more respect tohim than to me; for they considered my favor as a necessary consequence ofobtaining his.

``These were the most remarkable occurrences while I actedthis part. Minos hesitated a few momentsand then bid me get back againwithout assigning any reason.''


 

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CHAPTER XXIII

The life of alderman Julian.

``I NOW revisited Englandand was born at London. My fatherwas one of the magistrates of that city. He had eleven childrenof whom I wasthe eldest. He had great success in tradeand grew extremely richbut thelargeness of his family rendered it impossible for him to leave me a fortunesufficient to live well on independent of business. I was accordingly brought upto be a fishmongerin which capacity I myself afterwards acquired veryconsiderable wealth.

``The same disposition of mind which in princes is calledambition is in subjects named faction. To this temper I was greatly addictedfrom my youth. I waswhile a boya great partisan of prince John's against hisbrother Richardduring the latter's absence in the holy war and in hiscaptivity. I was no more than one-and-twenty when I first began to makepolitical speeches in publicand to endeavor to foment disquietude anddiscontent in the city. As I was pretty well qualified for this officeby agreat fluency of wordsan harmonious accenta graceful deliveryand above allan invincible assuranceI had soon acquired some reputation among the youngercitizensand some of the weaker and more inconsiderate

 

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of a riper age. Thisco-operating with my own natural vanitymade meextravagantly proud and supercilious. I soon began to esteem myself a man ofsome consequenceand to overlook persons every way my superiors.

``The famous Robin Hoodand his companion Little Johnatthis time made a considerable figure in Yorkshire. I took upon me to write aletter to the formerin the name of the cityinviting him to come to Londonwhere I assured him of very good receptionsignifying to him my own greatweight and consequenceand how much I had disposed the citizens in his favor.Whether he received this letter or no I am not certain; but he never gave me anyanswer to it.

``A little afterwards one William Fitz-Osbornoras he wasnicknamedWilliam Long-Beardbegan to make a figure in the city. He was a boldand an impudent fellowand had raised himself to great popularity with therabbleby pretending to espouse their cause against the rich. I took this man'spartand made a public oration in his favorsetting him forth as a patriotand one who had embarked in the cause of liberty: for which service he did notreceive me with the acknowledgments I expected. Howeveras I thought I shouldeasily gain the ascendant over this fellowI continued still firm on his sidetill the archbishop of Canterburywith an armed forceput an end to hisprogress: for he was seized in Bowchurchwhere he had taken refugeand withnine of his accomplices hanged in chains.

``I escaped narrowly myself; for I was seized

 

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in the same church with the restandas I had been very considerably engagedin the enterprisethe archbishop was inclined to make me an example; but myfather's meritwho had advanced a considerable sum to queen Eleanor towards theking's ransompreserved me.

``The consternation my danger had occasioned kept me some timequietand I applied myself very assiduously to my trade. I invented all mannerof methods to enhance the price of fishand made use of my utmost endeavors toengross as much of the business as possible in my own hands. By these means Iacquired a substance which raised me to some little consequence in the citybutfar from elevating me to that degree which I had formerly flattered myself withpossessing at a time when I was totally insignificant; forin a tradingsocietymoney must at least lay the foundation of all power and interest.

``But as it hath been remarked that the same ambition whichsent Alexander into Asia brings the wrestler on the green; and as this sameambition is as incapable as quicksilver of lying still; so Iwho was possessedperhaps of a share equal to what hath fired the blood of any of the heroes ofantiquitywas no less restless and discontented with ease and quiet. My firstendeavors were to make myself head of my companywhich Richard I had justpublishedand soon afterwards I procured myself to be chosen alderman.

``Opposition is the only state which can give a subject anopportunity of exerting the disposition I was possessed of. AccordinglykingJohn was

 

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no sooner seated on his throne than I began to oppose his measureswhetherright or wrong. It is true that monarch had faults enow. He was so abandoned tolust and luxurythat he addicted himself to the most extravagant excesses inbothwhile he indolently suffered the king of France to rob him of almost allhis foreign dominions: my opposition therefore was justifiable enoughand if mymotive from within had been as good as the occasion from without I should havehad little to excuse; butin truthI sought nothing but my own prefermentbymaking myself formidable to the kingand then selling to him the interest ofthat party by whose means I had become so. Indeedhad the public good been mycarehowever zealously I might have opposed the beginning of his reignIshould not have scrupled to lend him my utmost assistance in this strugglebetween him and pope Innocent the thirdin which he was so manifestly in theright; nor have suffered the insolence of that popeand the power of the kingof Franceto have compelled him in the issuebasely to resign his crown intothe hands of the formerand receive it again as a vassal; by means of whichacknowledgment the pope afterwards claimed this kingdom as a tributary fief tobe held of the papal chair; a claim which occasioned great uneasiness to manysubsequent princesand brought numberless calamities on the nation.

``As the king hadamong other concessionsstipulated to payan immediate sum of money to Pandulphwhich he had great difficulty to raiseit was absolutely necessary for him to apply to the

 

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citywhere my interest and popularity were so high that he had no hopes withoutmy assistance. As I knew thisI took care to sell myself and country as high aspossible. The terms I demandedthereforewere a placea pensionand aknighthood. All those were immediately consented to. I was forthwith knightedand promised the other two.

``I now mounted the hustingsandwithout any regard todecency or modestymade as emphatical a speech in favor of the king as before Ihad done against him. In this speech I justified all those measures which I hadbefore condemnedand pleaded as earnestly with my fellow-citizens to open theirpursesas I had formerly done to prevail with them to keep them shut. Butalas! my rhetoric had not the effect I proposed. The consequence of my argumentswas only contempt to myself. The people at first stared on one anotherandafterwards began unanimously to express their dislike. An impudent fellow amongthemreflecting on my tradecried out`Stinking fish;' which was immediatelyreiterated through the whole crowd. I was then forced to slink away home; but Iwas not able to accomplish my retreat without being attended by the mobwhohuzza'd me along the street with the repeated cries of `Stinking fish.'

``I now proceeded to courtto inform his majesty of myfaithful serviceand how much I had suffered in his cause. I found by my firstreception he had already heard of my success. Instead of thanking me for myspeechhe said the city

 

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should repent of their obstinacyfor that he would show them who he was: and sosayinghe immediately turned that part to me to which the toe of man hath sowonderful an affectionthat it is very difficultwhenever it presents itselfconvenientlyto keep our toes from the most violent and ardent salutation ofit.

``I was a little nettled at this behaviorand with someearnestness claimed the king's fulfilling his promise; but he retired withoutanswering me. I then applied to some of the courtierswho had lately professedgreat friendship to mehad eat at my houseand invited me to theirs: but notone would return me any answerall running away from me as if I had been seizedwith some contagious distemper. I now found by experiencethat as none can beso civilso none can be ruder than a courtier.

``A few moments after the king's retiring I was left alone inthe room to consider what I should do or whither I should turn myself. Myreception in the city promised itself to be equal at least with what I found atcourt. Howeverthere was my homeand thither it was necessary I should retreatfor the present.

``Butindeedbad as I apprehended my treatment in the citywould beit exceeded my expectation. I rode home on an ambling pad throughcrowds who expressed every kind of disregard and contempt; pelting me not onlywith the most abusive languagebut with dirt. Howeverwith much difficulty Iarrived at last at my own housewith my bones wholebut covered over withfilth.

 

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``When I was got within my doorsand had shut them againstthe mobwho had pretty well vented their spleenand seemed now contented toretiremy wifewhom I found crying over her childrenand from whom I hadhoped some comfort in my afflictionsfell upon me in the most outrageousmanner. She asked me why I would venture on such a stepwithout consulting her;she said her advice might have been civilly askedif I was resolved not to havebeen guided by it. Thatwhatever opinion I might have conceived of herunderstandingthe rest of the world thought better of it. That I had neverfailed when I had asked her counselnor ever succeeded without it; -- with muchmore of the same kindtoo tedious to mention; concluding that it was amonstrous behavior to desert my party and come over to the court. An abuse whichI took worse than all the restas she had been constantly for several yearsassiduous in railing at the oppositionin siding with the court-partyandbegging me to come over to it; and especially after my mentioning the offer ofknighthood to hersince which time she had continually interrupted my reposewith dinning in my ears the folly of refusing honors and of adhering to a partyand to principles by which I was certain of procuring no advantage to myself andmy family.

``I had now entirely lost my tradeso that I had not theleast temptation to stay longer in a city where I was certain of receiving dailyaffronts and rebukes. I therefore made up my affairs with the utmost expeditionandscraping together

 

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all I couldretired into the countrywhere I spent the remainder of my days inuniversal contemptbeing shunned by everybodyperpetually abused by my wifeand not much respected by my children.

``Minos told methough I had been a very vile fellowhethought my sufferings made some atonementand so bid me take the other trial.''


 

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CHAPTER XXIV

Julian recounts what happened to him while hewas a poet.

``ROME was now the seat of my nativitywhere I was born of afamily more remarkable for honor than riches. I was intended for the churchandhad a pretty good education; but my father dying while I was youngand leavingme nothingfor he had wasted his whole patrimonyI was forced to enter myselfin the order of mendicants.

``When I was at school I had a knack of rhymingwhich Iunhappily mistook for geniusand indulged to my cost; for my verses drew on meonly ridiculeand I was in contempt called the poet.

``This humor pursued me through my life. My first compositionafter I left school was a panegyric on pope Alexander IVwho then pretended aproject of dethroning the king of Sicily. On this subject I composed a poem ofabout fifteen thousand lineswhich with much difficulty I got to be presentedto his holinessof whom I expected great preferment as my reward; but I wascruelly disappointed: for when I had waited a yearwithout hearing any of thecommendations I had flattered myself with receivingand being now able tocontain no longerI applied to a Jesuit who was my relationand had the pope'searto know what his holiness's opinion was of my work: he coldly

 

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answered me that he was at that time busied in concerns of too much importanceto attend the reading of poems.

``However dissatisfied I might beand really waswith thisreceptionand however angry I was with the pope? for whose understanding Ientertained an immoderate contemptI was not yet discouraged from a secondattempt. AccordinglyI soon after produced another workentitledThe TrojanHorse. This was an allegorical workin which the church was introduced into theworld in the same manner as that machine had been into Troy. The priests werethe soldiers in its bellyand the heathen superstition the city to be destroyedby them. This poem was written in Latin. I remember some of the lines: --

Mundanos scandit fatalis machina murosFarta sacerdotumturmis: exinde per alvum Visi exire omnesmagno cum murmure olentes. Nonaliter quam cum humanis furibundus ab antris It sonus et nares simul aurainvadit hiantes. Mille scatent et mille alii; trepidare timore Ethnica genscoepit: falsi per inane volantes Effugere Dei -- Desertaque templa relinquunt.Jam magnum crepitavit equusmox orbis et alti Ingemuere poli: tunc tu paterultimus omnium Maxime Alexanderventrem maturus equinum Deserisheu prolesmeliori digne parente.''

I believe Julianhad I not stopped himwould have gonethrough the whole poem (foras I observed in most of the characters he relatedthe affections he had enjoyed while he personated them on earth still made someimpression on

 

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him); but I begged him to omit the sequel of the poemand proceed with hishistory. He then recollected himselfandsmiling at the observation which byintuition he perceived I had madecontinued his narration as follows: --

``I confess to you'' says he``that the delight in repeatingour own works is so predominant in a poetthat I find nothing can totally rootit out of the soul. Happy would it be for those persons if their hearers couldbe delighted in the same manner: but alas! hence that ingens solitudo complainedof by Horace: for the vanity of mankind is so much greedier and more generalthan their avaricethat no beggar is so ill received by them as he who solicitstheir praise.

``This I sufficiently experienced in the character of a poet;for my company was shunned (I believe on this account chiefly) by my wholehouse: naythere were few who would submit to hearing me read my poetryevenat the price of sharing in my provisions. The only person who gave me audiencewas a brother poet; he indeed fed me with commendation very liberally: butas Iwas forced to hear and commend in my turnI perhaps bought his attention dearenough.

``Wellsirif my expectations of the reward I hoped from myfirst poem had balked meI had now still greater reason to complain; forinstead of being preferred or commended for the secondI was enjoined a verysevere penance by my superiorfor ludicrously comparing the pope to a f -- t.My poetry was now the jest of every companyexcept some few who spoke of itwith detestation;

 

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and I found thatinstead of recommending me to prefermentit had effectuallybarred me from all probability of attaining it.

``These discouragements had now induced me to lay down my penand write no more. Butas Juvenal says-- Si discedasLaqueo tenet ambitiosiConsuetudo mali. I was an example of the truth of this assertionfor I soonbetook myself again to my muse. Indeeda poet hath the same happiness with aman who is dotingly fond of an ugly woman. The one enjoys his museand theother his mistresswith a pleasure very little abated by the esteem of theworldand only undervalues their taste for not corresponding with his own.

``It is unnecessary to mention any more of my poems; they hadall the same fate; and though in reality some of my latter pieces deserved (Imay now speak it without the imputation of vanity) a better successas I hadthe character of a bad writerI found it impossible ever to obtain thereputation of a good one. Had I possessed the merit of Homer I could have hopedfor no applause; since it must have been a profound secret; for no one would nowread a syllable of my writings.

``The poets of my age wereas I believe you knownot veryfamous. Howeverthere was one of some credit at that timethough I have theconsolation to know his works are all perished long ago. The maliceenvyandhatred I bore this

 

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man are inconceivable to any but an authorand an unsuccessful one; I nevercould bear to hear him well spoken ofand writ anonymous satires against himthough I had received obligations from him; indeed I believe it would have beenan absolute impossibility for him at any rate to have made me sincerely hisfriend.

``I have heard an observation which was made by some one oflater daysthat there are no worse men than bad authors. A remark of the samekind hath been made on ugly womenand the truth of both stands on one and thesame reasonviz.that they are both tainted with that cursed and detestablevice of envy; whichas it is the greatest torment to the mind it inhabitssois it capable of introducing into it a total corruptionand of inspiring it tothe commission of the most horrid crimes imaginable.

``My life was but short; for I soon pined myself to death withthe vice I just now mentioned. Minos told me I was infinitely too bad forElysium; and as for the other placethe devil had sworn he would neverentertain a poet for Orpheus's sake: so I was forced to return again to theplace from whence I came.''


 

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CHAPTER XXV

Julian performs the parts of a knight and adancing-master.

``I NOW mounted the stage in Sicilyand became aknight-templar; butas my adventures differ so little from those I haverecounted you in the character of a common soldierI shall not tire you withrepetition. The soldier and the captain differ in reality so little from oneanotherthat it requires an accurate judgment to distinguish them; the latterwears finer clothesand in times of success lives somewhat more delicately; butas to everything elsethey very nearly resemble one another.

``My next step was into Francewhere fortune assigned me thepart of a dancing-master. I was so expert in my profession that I was brought tocourt in my youthand had the heels of Philip de Valoiswho afterwardssucceeded Charles the Faircommitted to my direction.

``I do not remember that in any of the characters in which Iappeared on earth I ever assumed to myself a greater dignityor thought myselfof more real importancethan now. I looked on dancing as the greatestexcellence of human natureand on myself as the greatest proficient in it. Andindeedthis seemed to be the general opinion of the whole court; for I was thechief instructor of the youth of both sexeswhose merit

 

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was almost entirely defined by the advances they made in that science which Ihad the honor to profess. As to myselfI was so fully persuaded of this truththat I not only slighted and despised those who were ignorant of dancingbut Ithought the highest character I could give any man was that he made a gracefulbow: for want of which accomplishment I had a sovereign contempt for mostpersons of learning; nayfor some officers in the armyand a few even of thecourtiers themselves.

``Though so little of my youth had been thrown away in whatthey call literature that I could hardly write and readyet I composed atreatise on education; the first rudiments of whichas I taughtwere toinstruct a child in the science of coming handsomely into a room. In this Icorrected many faults of my predecessorsparticularly that of being too much ina hurryand instituting a child in the sublimer parts of dancing before theyare capable of making their honors.

``But as I have not now the same high opinion of my professionwhich I had thenI shall not entertain you with a long history of a life whichconsisted of borées and coupées. Let it suffice that I lived to a very old ageand followed my business as long as I could crawl. At length I revisited my oldfriend Minoswho treated me with very little respect and bade me dance backagain to earth.

``I did soand was now once more born an Englishmanbred upto the churchand at length arrived to the station of a bishop.

 

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``Nothing was so remarkable in this character as my alwaysvoting -- 10.''



[10] Here part of the manuscript is lostand that a very considerable oneasappears by the number of the next book and chapterwhich containsI findthehistory of Anna Boleyn; but as to the manner in which it was introducedor towhom the narrative is toldwe are totally left in the dark. I have only toremarkthat this chapter isin the originalwrit in a woman's hand: andthough the observations in it areI thinkas excellent as any in the wholevolumethere seems to be a difference in style between this and the precedingchapters; andas it is the character of a woman which is relatedI am inclinedto fancy it was really written by one of that sex.

 

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BOOK XIX

CHAPTER VII

Wherein Anna Boleyn relates thehistory of her life.

``I AM going now truly to recount a life whichfrom the time of its ceasing has beenin the other worldthe continual subjectof the cavils of contending parties; the one making me as black as helltheother as pure and innocent as the inhabitants of this blessed place; the mist ofprejudice blinding their eyesand zeal for what they themselves professmakingeverything appear in that light which they think most conduces to its honor.

``My infancy was spent in my father's housein those childish plays which are most suitable to that stateand I think thiswas one of the happiest parts of my life; for my parents were not among thenumber of those who look upon their children as so many objects of a tyrannicpowerbut I was regarded as the dear pledge of a virtuous loveand all mylittle pleasures were thought from their indulgence their greatest delight. Atseven years old I was carried into France with the king's sisterwho wasmarried to the French kingwhere I lived with a person of qualitywho was anacquaintance of my father's. I spent my time in learning those things necessaryto give young persons

 

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of fashion a polite educationand did neither good nor evilbut day passedafter day in the same easy way till I was fourteen; then began my anxietymyvanity grew strongand my heart fluttered with joy at every compliment paid tomy beauty: and as the lady with whom I lived was of a gaycheerful dispositionshe kept a great deal of companyand my youth and charms made me the continualobject of their admiration. I passed some little time in those exulting raptureswhich are felt by every woman perfectly satisfied with herself and with thebehavior of others towards her: I waswhen very youngpromoted to be maid ofhonor to her majesty. The court was frequented by a young nobleman whose beautywas the chief subject of conversation in all assemblies of ladies. The delicacyof his personadded to a great softness in his mannergave everything he saidand did such an air of tendernessthat every woman he spoke to flatteredherself with being the object of his love. I was one of those who was vainenough of my own charms to hope to make a conquest of him whom the whole courtsighed for. I now thought every other object below my notice; yet the onlypleasure I proposed to myself in this design wasthe triumphing over that heartwhich I plainly saw all the ladies of the highest quality and the greatestbeauty would have been proud of possessing. I was yet too young to be veryartful; but naturewithout any assistancesoon discovers to a man who is usedto gallantry a woman's desire to be liked by himwhether that desire arisesfrom any particular

 

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choice she makes of himor only from vanity. He soon perceived my thoughtsandgratified my utmost wishes by constantly preferring me before all other womenand exerting his utmost gallantry and address to engage my affections. Thissudden happinesswhich I then thought the greatest I could have hadappearedvisible in all my actions; I grew so gay and so full of vivacity that it made myperson appear still to a better advantageall my acquaintance pretending to befonder of me than ever: thoughyoung as I wasI plainly saw it was butpretensefor through all their endeavors to the contrary envy would often breakforth in sly insinuations and malicious sneerswhich gave me fresh matter oftriumphand frequent opportunities of insulting themwhich I never let slipfor now first my female heart grew sensible of the spiteful pleasure of seeinganother languish for what I enjoyed. Whilst I was in the height of my happinessher majesty fell ill of a languishing distemperwhich obliged her to go intothe country for the change of air: my place made it necessary for me to attendherand which way he brought it about I can't imaginebut my young hero foundmeans to be one of that small train that waited on my royal mistressalthoughshe went as privately as possible. Hitherto all the interviews I had ever hadwith him were in publicand I only looked on him as the fitter object to feedthat pride which had no other view but to show its power; but now the scene wasquite changed. My rivalswere all at a distance: the place we went to was ascharming as the most

 

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agreeable natural situationassisted by the greatest artcould make it; thepleasant solitary walks the singing of birdsthe thousand pretty romanticscenes this delightful place affordedgave a sudden turn to my mind; my wholesoul was melted into softnessand all my vanity was fled. My spark was too muchused to affairs of this nature not to perceive this change; at first the profusetransports of his joy made me believe him wholly mineand this belief gave mesuch happiness that no language affords words to express itand can be onlyknown to those who have felt it. But this was of a very short durationfor Isoon found I had to do with one of those men whose only end in the pursuit of awoman is to make her fall a victim to an insatiable desire to be admired. Hisdesigns had succeededand now he every day grew colderandas if byinfatuationmy passion every day increased; andnotwithstanding all myresolutions and endeavors to the contrarymy rage at the disappointment at onceboth of my love and prideand at the finding a passion fixed in my breast Iknew not how to conquerbroke out into that inconsistent behavior which mustalways be the consequence of violent passions. One moment I reproached himthenext I grew to tenderness and blamed myselfand thought I fancied what was nottrue: he saw my struggle and triumphed in it; butas he had not witnessesenough there of his victory to give him the full enjoyment of ithe grew wearyof the country and returned to Parisand left me in a condition it is utterlyimpossible to describe. My mind was like a city

 

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up in armsall confusion; and every new thought was a fresh disturber of mypeace. Sleep quite forsook meand the anxiety I suffered threw me into a feverwhich had like to have cost me my life. With great care I recoveredbut theviolence of the distemper left such a weakness on my body that the disturbanceof my mind was greatly assuaged; and now I began to comfort myself in thereflection that this gentleman's being a finished coquette was very likely theonly thing could have preserved me; for he was the only man from whom I was everin any danger. By that time I was got tolerably well we returned to Paris; and Iconfess I both wished and feared to see this cause of all my pain: howeverIhopedby the help of my resentmentto be able to meet him with indifference.This employed my thoughts till our arrival. The next day there was a very fullcourt to congratulate the queen on her recovery; and amongst the rest my loveappeared dressed and adorned as if he designed some new conquest. Instead ofseeing a woman he despised and slightedhe approached me with that assured airwhich is common to successful coxcombs. At the same time I perceived I wassurrounded by all those ladies who were on his account my greatest enemiesandin revengewished for nothing more than to see me make a ridiculous figure.This situation so perplexed my thoughtsthat when he came near enough to speakto meI fainted away in his arms. Had I studied which way I could gratify himmostit was impossible to have done anything to have pleased him more. Somethat

 

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stood by brought smelling-bottlesand used means for my recovery; and I waswelcomed to returning life by all those repartees which women enraged by envyare capable of venting. One cried `WellI never thought my lord had anything sofrightful in his person or so fierce in his manner as to strike a young ladydead at the sight of him.' `Nono' says another`some ladies' senses are moreapt to be hurried by agreeable than disagreeable objects.' With many more suchsort of speeches which showed more malice than wit. This not being able to beartremblingand with but just strength enough to moveI crawled to my coach andhurried home. When I was aloneand thought on what had happened to me in apublic courtI was at first driven to the utmost despair; but afterwardswhenI came to reflectI believe this accident contributed more to my being cured ofmy passion than any other could have done. I began to think the only method topique the man who had used me so barbarouslyand to be revenged on my spitefulrivalswas to recover that beauty which was then languid and had lost itslusterto let them see I had still charms enough to engage as many lovers as Icould desireand that I could yet rival them who had thus cruelly insulted me.These pleasing hopes revived my sinking spirits. and worked a more effectualcure on me than all the philosophy and advice of the wisest men could have done.I now employed all my time and care in adorning my personand studying thesurest means of engaging the affections of otherswhile I myself continuedquite indifferent;

 

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for I resolved for the futureif ever one soft thought made its way to myheartto fly the object of itand by new lovers to drive the image from mybreast. I consulted my glass every morningand got such a command of mycountenance that I could suit it to the different tastes of variety of lovers;and though I was youngfor I was not yet above seventeenyet my public way oflife gave me such continual opportunities of conversing with menand the strongdesire I now had of pleasing them led me to make such constant observations oneverything they said or didthat I soon found out the different methods ofdealing with them. I observed that most men generally liked in women what wasmost opposite to their own characters; therefore to the grave solid man of senseI endeavored to appear sprightly and full of spirit; to the witty and gaysoftand languishing; to the amorous (for they want no increase of their passions)cold and reserved; to the fearful and backwardwarm and full of fire; and so ofall the rest. As to beauxand all of those sort of menwhose desires arecentered in the satisfaction of their vanityI had learned by sad experiencethe only way to deal with them was to laugh at them and let their own goodopinion of themselves be the only support of their hopes. I knewwhile I couldget other followersI was sure of them; for the only sign of modesty they evergive is that of not depending on their own judgmentsbut following the opinionsof the greatest number. Thus furnished with maximsand grown wise by pasterrorsI in a

 

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manner began the world again: I appeared in all public places handsomer and morelively than everto the amazement of every one who saw me and had heard of theaffair between me and my lord. He himself was much surprised and vexed at thissudden changenor could he account how it was possible for me so soon to shakeoff those chains he thought he had fixed on me for life; nor was he willing tolose his conquest in this manner. He endeavored by all means possible to talk tome again of lovebut I stood fixed to my resolution (in which I was greatlyassisted by the crowd of admirers that daily surrounded me) never to let himexplain himself: fornotwithstanding all my prideI found the first impressionthe heart receives of love is so strong that it requires the most vigilant careto prevent a relapse. Now I lived three years in a constant round of diversionsand was made the perfect idol of all the men that came to court of all ages andall characters. I had several good matches offered mebut I thought none ofthem equal to my merit; and one of my greatest pleasures was to see those womenwho had pretended to rival me often glad to marry those whom I had refused. Yetnotwithstanding this great success of my schemesI cannot say I was perfectlyhappy; for every woman that was taken the least notice ofand every man thatwas insensible to my artsgave me as much pain as all the rest gave mepleasure; and sometimes little underhand plots which were laid against mydesigns would succeed in spite of my care: so that I really began to grow wearyof this

 

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manner of lifewhen my fatherreturning from his embassy in Francetook mehome with himand carried me to a little pleasant country-housewhere therewas nothing grand or superfluousbut everything neat and agreeable. There I leda life perfectly solitary. At first the time hung very heavy on my handsand Iwanted all kind of employmentand I had very like to have fallen into theheight of the vaporsfrom no other reason but from want of knowing what to dowith myself. But when I had lived here a little time I found such a calmness inmy mindand such a difference between this and the restless anxieties I hadexperienced in a courtthat I began to share the tranquillity that visiblyappeared in everything round me. I set myself to do works of fancyand to raiselittle flower-gardenswith many such innocent rural amusements; whichalthoughthey are not capable of affording any great pleasureyet they give that sereneturn to the mind which I think much preferable to anything else human nature ismade susceptible of. I now resolved to spend the rest of my days hereand thatnothing should allure me from that sweet retirementto be again tossed aboutwith tempestuous passions of any kind. Whilst I was in this situationmy lordPercythe earl of Northumberland's eldest sonby an accident of losing his wayafter a fox-chasewas met by my fatherabout a mile from our house; he camehome with himonly with a design of dining with usbut was so taken with methat he stayed three days. I had too much experience in all affairs of this kindnot to

 

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see presently the influence I had on him; but I was at that time so entirelyfree from all ambitionthat even the prospect of being a countess had no effecton me; and I then thought nothing in the world could have bribed me to havechanged my way of life. This young lordwho was just in his bloomfound hispassion so stronghe could not endure a long absencebut returned again in aweekand endeavoredby all the means he could think ofto engage me to returnhis affection. He addressed me with that tenderness and respect which women onearth think can flow from nothing but real love; and very often told me thatunless he could be so happy as by his assiduity and care to make himselfagreeable to mealthough he knew my father would eagerly embrace any proposalfrom himyet he would suffer that last of miseries of never seeing me morerather than owe his own happiness to anything that might be the leastcontradiction to my inclinations. This manner of proceeding had something in itso noble and generousthat by degrees it raised a sensation in me which I knownot how to describenor by what name to call it: it was nothing like my formerpassion: for there was no turbulenceno uneasy waking nights attending itbutall I could with honor grant to oblige him appeared to me to be justly due tohis truth and loveand more the effect of gratitude than of any desire of myown. The character I had heard of him from my father at my first returning toEnglandin discoursing of the young nobilityconvinced me that if I was hiswife I should have the perpetual satisfaction

 

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of knowing every action of his must be approved by all the sensible part ofmankind; so that very soon I began to have no scruple left but that of leavingmy little scene of quietnessand venturing again into the world. But thisbyhis continual application and submissive behaviorby degrees entirely vanishedand I agreed he should take his own time to break it to my fatherwhose consenthe was not long in obtaining; for such a match was by no means to be refused.There remained nothing now to be done but to prevail with the earl ofNorthumberland to comply with what his son so ardently desired; for whichpurpose he set out immediately for Londonand begged it as the greatest favorthat I would accompany my fatherwho was also to go thither the week following.I could not refuse his requestand as soon as we arrived in town he flew to mewith the greatest raptures to inform me his father was so good thatfinding hishappiness depended on his answerhe had given him free leave to act in thisaffair as would best please himselfand that he had now no obstacle to preventhis wishes. It was then the beginning of the winterand the time for ourmarriage was fixed for the latter end of March: the consent of all parties madehis access to me very easyand we conversed together both with innocence andpleasure. As his fondness was so great that he contrived all the methodspossible to keep me continually in his sighthe told me one morning he wascommanded by his father to attend him to court that eveningand begged I wouldbe so good as to meet him there. I was

 

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now so used to act as he would have me that I made no difficulty of complyingwith his desire. Two days after thisI was very much surprised at perceivingsuch a melancholy in his countenanceand alteration in his behavioras I couldno way account for; butby importunityat last I got from him that cardinalWolseyfor what reason he knew nothad peremptorily forbid him to think anymore of me: andwhen he urged that his father was not displeased with itthecardinalin his imperious manneranswered himhe should give his father suchconvincing reasons why it would be attended with great inconveniencesthat hewas sure he could bring him to be of his opinion. On which he turned from himand gave him no opportunity of replying. I could not imagine what design thecardinal could have in intermeddling in this matchand I was still moreperplexed to find that my father treated my lord Percy with much more coldnessthan usual; he too saw itand we both wondered what could possibly be the causeof all this. But it was not long before the mystery was all made clear by myfatherwhosending for me one day into his chamberlet me into a secret whichwas as little wished for as expected. He began with the surprising effects ofyouth and beautyand the madness of letting go those advantages they mightprocure us till it was too latewhen we might wish in vain to bring them backagain. I stood amazed at this beginning; he saw my confusionand bid me sitdown and attend to what he was going to tell mewhich was of the greatestconsequence; and he hoped I would

 

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be wise enough to take his adviceand act as he should think best for my futurewelfare. He then asked me if I should not be much pleased to be a queen? Iansweredwith the greatest earnestnessthatso far from itI would not livein a court again to be the greatest queen in the world; that I had a lover whowas both desirous and able to raise my station even beyond my wishes. I foundthis discourse was very displeasing; my father frownedand called me a romanticfooland said if I would hearken to him he could make me a queen; for thecardinal had told him that the kingfrom the time he saw me at court the othernightliked meand intended to get a divorce from his wifeand to put me inher place; and ordered him to find some method to make me a maid of honor to herpresent majestythat in the meantime he might have an opportunity of seeing me.It is impossible to express the astonishment these words threw me into; andnotwithstanding that the moment beforewhen it appeared at so great a distanceI was very sincere in my declaration how much it was against my will to beraised so highyet now the prospect came nearerI confess my heart flutteredand my eyes were dazzled with a view of being seated on a throne. My imaginationpresented before me all the pomppower and greatness that attend a crown; and Iwas so perplexed I knew not what to answerbut remained as silent as if I hadlost the use of my speech. My fatherwho guessed what it was that made me inthis conditionproceeded to bring all the arguments he thought most likely tobend me to his

 

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will; at last I recovered from this dream of grandeurand begged himby allthe most endearing names I could think ofnot to urge me dishonorably toforsake the man who I was convinced would raise me to an empire if in his powerand who had enough in his power to give me all I desired. But he was deaf to allI could sayand insisted that by next week I should prepare myself to go tocourt: he bid me consider of itand not prefer a ridiculous notion of honor tothe real interest of my whole family; butabove all thingsnot to disclosewhat he had trusted me with. On which he left me to my own thoughts. When I wasalone I reflected how little real tenderness this behavior showed to mewhosehappiness he did not at all consultbut only looked on me as a ladderon whichhe could climb to the height of his own ambitious desires: and when I thought onhis fondness for me in my infancy I could impute it to nothing but either theliking me as a plaything or the gratification of his vanity in my beauty. But Iwas too much divided between a crown and my engagement to lord Percy to spendmuch time in thinking of anything else; andalthough my father had positivelyforbid meyetwhen he came nextI could not help acquainting him with allthat had passedwith the reserve only of the struggle in my own mind on thefirst mention of being a queen. I expected he would have received the news withthe greatest agonies; but he showed no vast emotion: howeverhe could not helpturning paleandtaking me by the handlooked at me with an air oftendernessand said

 

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`If being a queen would make you happyand it is in your power to be soIwould not for the world prevent itlet me suffer what I will.' This amazinggreatness of mind had on me quite the contrary effect from what it ought to havehad; forinstead of increasing my love for him it almost put an end to itandI began to thinkif he could part with methe matter was not much. And I amconvincedwhen any man gives up the possession of a woman whose consent he hasonce obtainedlet his motive be ever so generoushe will disoblige her. Icould not help showing my dissatisfactionand told him I was very glad thisaffair sat so easily on him. He had not power to answerbut was so suddenlystruck with this unexpected ill-natured turn I gave his behaviorthat he stoodamazed for some timeand then bowed and left me. Now I was again left to my ownreflections; but to make anything intelligible out of them is quite impossible:I wished to be a queenand wished I might not be one: I would have my lordPercy happy without me; and yet I would not have the power of my charms be soweak that he could bear the thought of life after being disappointed in my love.But the result of all these confused thoughts was a resolution to obey myfather. I am afraid there was not much duty in the casethough at that time Iwas glad to take hold of that small shadow to save me from looking on my ownactions in the true light. When my lover came again I looked on him with thatcoldness that he could not bearon purpose to rid myself of all importunity:for since I had

 

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resolved to use him ill I regarded him as the monument of my shameand hisevery look appeared to me to upbraid me. My father soon carried me to court;there I had no very hard part to act; forwith the experience I had had ofmankindI could find no great difficulty in managing a man who liked meandfor whom I not only did not care but had an utter aversion to: but this aversionhe believed to be virtue; for how credulous is a man who has an inclination tobelieve! And I took care sometimes to drop words of cottages and loveand howhappy the woman was who fixed her affections on a man in such a station of lifethat she might show her love without being suspected of hypocrisy or mercenaryviews. All this was swallowed very easily by the amorous kingwho pushed on thedivorce with the utmost impetuosityalthough the affair lasted a good whileand I remained most part of the time behind the curtain. Whenever the kingmentioned it to me I used such arguments against it as I thought the most likelyto make him the more eager for it; begging thatunless his conscience wasreally touchedhe would not on my account give any grief to his virtuous queen;for in being her handmaid I thought myself highly honored; and that I would notonly forego a crownbut even give up the pleasure of ever seeing him morerather than wrong my royal mistress. This way of talkingjoined to his eagerdesire to possess my personconvinced the king so strongly of my exalted meritthat he thought it a meritorious act to displace the woman (whom

 

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he could not have so good an opinion ofbecause he was tired of her)and toput me in her place. After about a year's stay at courtas the king's love tome began to be talked ofit was thought proper to remove methat there mightbe no umbrage given to the queen's party. I was forced to comply with thisthough greatly against my will; for I was very jealous that absence might changethe king's mind. I retired again with my father to his country-seatbut it hadno longer those charms for me which I once enjoyed there; for my mind was nowtoo much taken up with ambition to make room for any other thoughts. During mystay heremy royal lover often sent gentlemen to me with messages and letterswhich I always answered in the manner I thought would best bring about mydesignswhich were to come back again to court. In all the letters that passedbetween us there was something so kingly and commanding in hisand so deceitfuland submissive in minethat I sometimes could not help reflecting on thedifference betwixt this correspondence and that with lord Percy; yet I was sopressed forward by the desire of a crownI could not think of turning back. Inall I wrote I continually praised his resolution of letting me be at a distancefrom himsince at this time it conduced indeed to my honor; butwhat was often times more weight with meI thought it was necessary for his; and I wouldsooner suffer anything in the world than be any means of hurt to himeither inhis interest or reputation. I always gave some hints of ill healthwith somereflections

 

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how necessary the peace of the mind was to that of the body. By these means Ibrought him to recall me again by the most absolute commandwhich Ifor alittle timeartfully delayed (for I knew the impatience of his temper would notbear any contradictions)till he made my father in a manner force me to what Imost wishedwith the utmost appearance of reluctance on my side. When I hadgained this point I began to think which way I could separate the king from thequeenfor hitherto they lived in the same house. The lady Marythe queen'sdaughterbeing then about sixteenI sought for emissaries of her own age thatI could confide into instill into her mind disrespectful thoughts of herfatherand make a jest of the tenderness of his conscience about the divorce. Iknew she had naturally strong passionsand that young people of that age areapt to think those that pretend to be their friends are really soand onlyspeak their minds freely. I afterwards contrived to have every word she spoke ofhim carried to the kingwho took it all as I could wishand fancied thosethings did not come at first from the young ladybut from her mother. He wouldoften talk of it to meand I agreed with him in his sentiments; but thenas agreat proof of my goodnessI always endeavored to excuse herby saying a ladyso long time used to be a royal queen might naturally be a little exasperatedwith those she fancied would throw her from that station she so justly deserved.By these sort of plots I found the way to make the king angry with the

 

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queen; for nothing is easier than to make a man angry with a woman he wants tobe rid ofand who stands in the way between him and his pleasure; so that nowthe kingon the pretense of the queen's obstinacy in a point where hisconscience was so tenderly concernedparted with her. Everything was now plainbefore me; I had nothing farther to do but to let the king alone to his owndesires; and I had no reason to fearsince they had carried him so farbutthat they would urge him on to do everything I aimed at. I was createdmarchioness of Pembroke. This dignity sat very easy on me; for the thoughts of amuch higher title took from me all feeling of this; and I looked upon being amarchioness as a triflenot that I saw the bauble in its true lightbutbecause it fell short of what I had figured to myself I should soon obtain. Theking's desires grew very impatientand it was not long before I was privatelymarried to him. I was no sooner his wife than I found all the queen come uponme; I felt myself conscious of royaltyand even the faces of my most intimateacquaintance seemed to me to be quite strange. I hardly knew them: height hadturned my headand I was like a man placed on a monumentto whose sight allcreatures at a great distance below him appear like so many little pigmiescrawling about on the earth; and the prospect so greatly delighted methat Idid not presently consider that in both cases descending a few steps erected byhuman hands would place us in the number of those very pigmies who appeared sodespicable. Our marriage

 

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was kept private for some timefor it was not thought proper to make it public(the affair of the divorce not being finished) till the birth of my daughterElizabeth made it necessary. But all who saw me knew it; for my manner ofspeaking and acting was so much changed with my stationthat all around meplainly perceived I was sure I was a queen. While it was a secret I had yetsomething to wish for; I could not be perfectly satisfied till all the world wasacquainted with my fortune: but when my coronation was overand I was raised tothe height of my ambitioninstead of finding myself happyI was in realitymore miserable than ever; forbesides that the aversion I had naturally to theking was much more difficult to dissemble after marriage than beforeand grewinto a perfect detestationmy imaginationwhich had thus warmly pursued acrowngrew cool when I was in the possession of itand gave me time to reflectwhat mighty matter I had gained by all this bustle; and I often used to thinkmyself in the case of the fox-hunterwhowhen he has toiled and sweated allday in the chase as if some unheard-of blessing was to crown his successfindsat last all he has got by his labor is a stinking nauseous animal. But mycondition was yet worse than his; for he leaves the loathsome wretch to be tornby his houndswhilst I was obliged to fondle mineand meanly pretend him to bethe object of my love. For the whole time I was in this enviedthis exaltedstateI led a continual life of hypocrisywhich I now know nothing on earthcan compensate.

 

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I had no companion but the man I hated. I dared not disclose my sentiments toany person about menor did any one presume to enter into any freedom ofconversation with me; but all who spoke to me talked to the queenand not tome; for they would have said just the same things to a dressed-up puppetif theking had taken a fancy to call it his wife. And as I knew every woman in thecourt was my enemyfrom thinking she had much more right than I had to theplace I filledI thought myself as unhappy as if I had been placed in a wildwoodwhere there was no human creature for me to speak toin a continual fearof leaving any traces of my footstepslest I should be found by some dreadfulmonsteror stung by snakes and adders; for such are spiteful women to theobjects of their envy. In this worst of all situations I was obliged to hide mymelancholy and appear cheerful. This threw me into an error the other wayand Isometimes fell into a levity in my behavior that was afterwards made use of tomy disadvantage. I had a son deadbornwhich I perceived abated something of theking's ardor; for his temper could not brook the least disappointment. This gaveme no uneasiness; fornot considering the consequencesI could not help beingbest pleased when l had least of his company. Afterwards I found he had cast hiseyes on one of my maids of honor; andwhether it was owing to any art of hersor only to the king's violent passionsI was in the end used even worse than myformer mistress had been by my means. The decay of the king's affection

 

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was presently seen by all those court-sycophants who continually watch themotions of royal eyes; and the moment they found they could be heard against methey turned my most innocent actions and wordsnayeven my very looksintoproofs of the blackest crimes. The kingwho was impatient to enjoy his newlovelent a willing ear to all my accuserswho found ways of making himjealous that I was false to his bed. He would not so easily have believedanything against me beforebut he was now glad to flatter himself that he hadfound a reason to do just what he had resolved upon without a reason; and onsome slight pretenses and hearsay evidence I was sent to the Towerwhere thelady who was my greatest enemy was appointed to watch me and lie in the samechamber with me. This was really as bad a punishment as my deathfor sheinsulted me with those keen reproaches and spiteful witticismswhich threw meinto such vapors and violent fits that I knew not what I uttered in thiscondition. She pretended I had confessed talking ridiculous stuff with a set oflow fellows whom I had hardly ever taken notice ofas could have imposed onnone but such as were resolved to believe. I was brought to my trialandtoblacken me the moreaccused of conversing criminally with my own brotherwhomindeed I loved extremely wellbut never looked on him in any other light thanas my friend. HoweverI was condemned to be beheadedor burntas the kingpleased; and he was graciously pleasedfrom the great remains of his lovetochoose the mildest

 

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sentence. I was much less shocked at this manner of ending my life than I shouldhave been in any other station: but I had had so little enjoyment from the timeI had been a queenthat death was the less dreadful to me. The chief thingsthat lay on my conscience were the arts I made use of to induce the king to partwith the queenmy ill usage of lady Maryand my jilting lord Percy. HoweverIendeavored to calm my mind as well as I couldand hoped these crimes would beforgiven me; for in other respects I had led a very innocent lifeand alwaysdid all the good-natured actions I found any opportunity of doing. From the timeI had it in my powerI gave a great deal of money amongst the poor; I prayedvery devoutlyand went to my execution very composedly. Thus I lost my life atthe age of twenty-ninein which short time I believe I went through morevariety of scenes than many people who live to be very old. I had lived in acourtwhere I spent my time in coquetry and gayety; I had experienced what itwas to have one of those violent passions which makes the mind all turbulenceand anxiety; I had had a lover whom I esteemed and valuedand at the latterpart of my life I was raised to a station as high as the vainest woman couldwish. But in all these various changes I never enjoyed any real satisfactionunless in the little time I lived retired in the country free from all noise andhurryand while I was conscious I was the object of the love and esteem of aman of sense and honor.''

On the conclusion of this history Minos paused

 

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for a small timeand then ordered the gate to be thrown open for Anna Boleyn'sadmittance on the consideration that whoever had suffered being the queen forfour yearsand been sensible during all that time of the real misery whichattends that exalted stationought to be forgiven whatever she had done toobtain it.
11



[11] Here ends this curious manuscript; the rest being destroyed in rolling uppenstobacco&c. It is to be hoped heedless people will henceforth be morecautious what they burnor use to other vile purposes; especially when theyconsider the fate which had likely to have befallen the divine Miltonand thatthe works of Homer were probably discovered in some chandlers shop in Greece.

 

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THE JOURNAL
OF A
VOYAGE TO LISBON

DEDICATION TO THE PUBLIC

YOUR candor is desired on theperusal of the following sheetsas they are the product of a genius that haslong been your delight and entertainment. It must be acknowledged that a lampalmost burnt out does not give so steady and uniform a light as when it blazesin its full vigor; but yet it is well known that by its waveringas ifstruggling against its own dissolutionit sometimes darts a ray as bright asever. In like mannera strong and lively genius willin its last strugglessometimes mount aloftand throw forth the most striking marks of its originalluster.

Wherever these are to be founddo youthegenuine patrons of extraordinary capacitiesbe as liberal in your applauses ofhim who is now no more as you were of him whilst he was yet amongst you. Andonthe other handif in this little work there should appear any traces of aweakened and decayed lifelet your own imaginations place before your eyes atrue picture in that of a hand trembling in almost its latest hourof

 

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a body emaciated with painsyet struggling for your entertainment; and let thisaffecting picture open each tender heartand call forth a melting tearto blotout whatever failings may be found in a work begun in painand finished almostat the same period with life.

It was thought proper by the friends of thedeceased that this little piece should come into your hands as it came from thehands of the authorit being judged that you would be better pleased to have anopportunity of observing the faintest traces of a genius you have long admiredthan have it patched by a different handby which means the marks of its trueauthor might have been effaced.

That the success of the last writtenthoughfirst publishedvolume of the author's posthumous pieces may be attended withsome convenience to those innocents he hath left behindwill no doubt be amotive to encourage its circulation through the kingdomwhich will engage everyfuture genius to exert itself for your pleasure.

The principles and spirit which breathe inevery line of the small fragment begun in answer to Lord Bolingbroke willunquestionably be a sufficient apology for its publicationalthough vitalstrength was wanting to finish a work so happily begun and so well designed.


 

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PREFACE

THERE would notperhapsbe amore pleasant or profitable studyamong those which have their principal end inamusementthan that of travels or voyagesif they were wrote as they might beand ought to bewith a joint view to the entertainment and information ofmankind. If the conversation of travelers be so eagerly sought after as it iswe may believe their books will be still more agreeable companyas they will ingeneral be more instructive and more entertaining.

But when I say the conversation of travelersis usually so welcomeI must be understood to mean that only of such as havehad good sense enough to apply their peregrinations to a proper useso as toacquire from them a real and valuable knowledge of men and thingsboth whichare best known by comparison. If the customs and manners of men were everywherethe samethere would be no office so dull as that of a travelerfor thedifference of hillsvalleysriversin shortthe various views of which wemay see the face of the earthwould scarce afford him a pleasure worthy of hislabor; and surely it would give him very little opportunity of communicating anykind of entertainment or improvement to others.

To make a traveler an agreeable companion to aman of senseit is necessarynot only that he

 

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should have seen muchbut that he should have overlooked much of what he hathseen. Nature is notany more than a great geniusalways admirable in herproductionsand therefore the travelerwho may be called her commentatorshould not expect to find everywhere subjects worthy of his notice.

It is certainindeedthat one may be guiltyof omissionas well as of the opposite extreme; but a fault on that side willbe more easily pardonedas it is better to be hungry than surfeited; and tomiss your dessert at the table of a man whose gardens abound with the choicestfruitsthan to have your taste affronted with every sort of trash that can bepicked up at the green-stall or the wheel-barrow.

If we should carry on the analogy between thetraveler and the commentatorit is impossible to keep one's eye a moment offfrom the laborious much-read doctor Zachary Grayof whose redundant notes onHudibras I shall only say that it isI am confidentthe single book extant inwhich above five hundred authors are quotednot one of which could be found inthe collection of the late doctor Mead.

As there are few things which a traveler is torecordthere are fewer on which he is to offer his observations: this is theoffice of the reader; and it is so pleasant a onethat he seldom chooses tohave it taken from himunder the pretense of lending him assistance. Someoccasionsindeedthere arewhen proper observations are pertinentand otherswhen they are necessary; but

 

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good sense alone must point them out. I shall lay down only one general rule;which I believe to be of universal truth between relator and heareras it isbetween author and reader; this isthat the latter never forgive anyobservation of the former which doth not convey some knowledge that they aresensible they could not possibly have attained of themselves.

But all his pains in collecting knowledgeallhis judgment in selectingand all his art in communicating itwill notsufficeunless he can make himselfin some degreean agreeable as well as aninstructive companion. The highest instruction we can derive from the tedioustale of a dull fellow scarce ever pays us for our attention. There is nothingIthinkhalf so valuable as knowledgeand yet there is nothing which men willgive themselves so little trouble to attain; unless it beperhapsthat lowestdegree of it which is the object of curiosityand which hath therefore thatactive passion constantly employed in its service. Thisindeedit is in thepower of every traveler to gratify; but it is the leading principle in weakminds only.

To render his relation agreeable to the man ofsenseit is therefore necessary that the voyager should possess several eminentand rare talents; so rare indeedthat it is almost wonderful to see them everunited in the same person.

And if all these talents must concur in therelatorthey are certainly in a more eminent degree necessary to the writer;for here the narration admits of higher ornaments of styleand every

 

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fact and sentiment offers itself to the fullest and most deliberate examination.

It would appearthereforeI thinksomewhatstrange if such writers as these should be found extremely common; since naturehath been a most parsimonious distributor of her richest talentsand hathseldom bestowed many on the same person. Buton the other handwhy thereshould scarce exist a single writer of this kind worthy our regard; andwhilstthere is no other branch of history (for this is history) which hath notexercised the greatest penswhy this alone should be overlooked by all men ofgreat genius and eruditionand delivered up to the Goths and Vandals as theirlawful propertyis altogether as difficult to determine.

And yet that this is the casewith some veryfew exceptionsis most manifest. Of these I shall willingly admit Burnet andAddison; if the former was notperhapsto be considered as a politicalessayistand the latter as a commentator on the classicsrather than as awriter of travels; which last titleperhapsthey would both of them have beenleast ambitious to affect.

Indeedif these two and two or three moreshould be removed from the massthere would remain such a heap of dullnessbehindthat the appellation of voyage-writer would not appear very desirable.

I am not here unapprised that old Homerhimself is by some considered as a voyage-writer; andindeedthe beginning ofhis Odyssey may be urged to countenance that opinionwhich I shall

 

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not controvert. Butwhatever species of writing the Odyssey is ofit is surelyat the head of that speciesas much as the Iliad is of another; and so far theexcellent Longinus would allowI believeat this day.

Butin realitythe Odysseythe Telemachusand all of that kindare to the voyage-writing I here intendwhat romance isto true historythe former being the confounder and corrupter of the latter. Iam far from supposing that HomerHesiodand the other ancient poets andmythologistshad any settled design to pervert and confuse the records ofantiquity; but it is certain they have effected it; and for my part I mustconfess I should have honored and loved Homer more had he written a true historyof his own times in humble prosethan those noble poems that have so justlycollected the praise of all ages; forthough I read these with more admirationand astonishmentI still read HerodotusThucydidesand Xenophon with moreamusement and more satisfaction.

The original poets were nothoweverwithoutexcuse. They found the limits of nature too straight for the immensity of theirgeniuswhich they had not room to exert without extending fact by fiction: andthat especially at a time when the manners of men were too simple to afford thatvariety which they have since offered in vain to the choice of the meanestwriters. In doing this they are again excusable for the manner in which theyhave done it.

Ut speciosa dehine miracula promant.


 

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They are notindeedso properly said to turn reality intofictionas fiction into reality. Their paintings are so boldtheir colors sostrongthat everything they touch seems to exist in the very manner theyrepresent it; their portraits are so justand their landscapes so beautifulthat we acknowledge the strokes of nature in bothwithout inquiring whetherNature herselfor her journeyman the poetformed the first pattern of thepiece.

But other writers (I will put Pliny at their head) have nosuch pretensions to indulgence; they lie for lying sakeor in order insolentlyto impose the most monstrous improbabilities and absurdities upon their readerson their own authority; treating them as some fathers treat childrenand asother fathers do laymenexacting their belief of whatever they relateon noother foundation than their own authoritywithout ever taking the pains oradapting their lies to human credulityand of calculating them for the meridianof a common understanding; butwith as much weakness as wickednessand withmore impudence often than eitherthey assert facts contrary to the honor ofGodto the visible order of the creationto the known laws of natureto thehistories of former agesand to the experience of our ownand which no man canat once understand and believe.

If it should be objected (and it can nowhere be objectedbetter than where I now write12 as there

 

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is nowhere more pomp of bigotry) that whole nations have been firm believers insuch most absurd suppositionsI replythe fact is not true. They have knownnothing of the matterand have believed they knew not what. It isindeedwithme no matter of doubt but that the pope and his clergy might teach any of thoseChristian heterodoxiesthe tenets of which are the most diametrically oppositeto their own; nayall the doctrines of ZoroasterConfuciusand Mahometnotonly with certain and immediate successbut without one Catholic in a thousandknowing he had changed his religion.

What motive a man can have to sit downand to draw forth alist of stupidsenselessincredible lies upon paperwould be difficult todeterminedid not Vanity present herself so immediately as the adequate cause.The vanity of knowing more than other men isperhapsbesides hungerthe onlyinducement to writingat least to publishingat all. Why then should not thevoyage-writer be inflamed with the glory of having seen what no man ever did orwill see but himself? This is the true source of the wonderful in the discourseand writingsand sometimesI believein the actions of men. There is anotherfaultof a kind directly opposite to thisto which these writers are sometimesliablewheninstead of filling their pages with monsters which nobody hathever seenand with adventures which never havenor could possibly havehappened to themwaste their time and paper with recording things and facts ofso common a kindthat they challenge no other right

 

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of being remembered than as they had the honor of having happened to the authorto whom nothing seems trivial that in any manner happens to himself. Of suchconsequence do his own actions appear to one of this kindthat he wouldprobably think himself guilty of infidelity should he omit the minutest thing inthe detail of his journal. That the fact is true is sufficient to give it aplace therewithout any consideration whether it is capable of pleasing orsurprisingof diverting or informingthe reader.

I have seen a play (if I mistake not it is one of Mrs. Behn'sor of Mrs. Centlivre's) where this vice in a voyage-writer is finely ridiculed.An ignorant pedantto whose governmentfor I know not what reasonthe conductof a young nobleman in his travels is committedand who is sent abroad to showmy lord the worldof which he knows nothing himselfbefore his departure froma towncalls for his Journal to record the goodness of the wine and tobaccowith other articles of the same importancewhich are to furnish the materialsof a voyage at his return home. The humorit is trueis here carried very far;and yetperhapsvery little beyond what is to be found in writers who professno intention of dealing in humor at all.

Of one or otheror both of these kindsareI conceiveallthat vast pile of books which pass under the names of voyagestravelsadventureslivesmemoirshistoriesetc.some of which a single travelersends into the world in many volumesand others areby judicious booksellers

 

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collected into vast bodies in folioand inscribed with their own namesas ifthey were indeed their own travels: thus unjustly attributing to themselves themerit of others.

Nowfrom both these faults we have endeavored to steer clearin the following narrative; whichhowever the contrary may be insinuated byignorantunlearnedand fresh-water criticswho have never traveled either inbooks or shipsI do solemnly declare dothin my own impartial opiniondeviateless from truth than any other voyage extant; my lord Anson's alone beingperhapsexcepted.

Some few embellishments must be allowed to every historian;for we are not to conceive that the speeches in LivySallustor Thucydideswere literally spoken in the very words in which we now read them. It issufficient that every fact hath its foundation in truthas I do seriously averis the ease in the ensuing pages; and when it is soa good critic will be sofar from denying all kind of ornament of style or dictionor even ofcircumstanceto his authorthat he would be rather sorry if he omitted it; forhe could hence derive no other advantage than the loss of an additional pleasurein the perusal.

Againif any merely common incident should appear in thisjournalwhich will seldom I apprehend be the casethe candid reader willeasily perceive it is not introduced for its own sakebut for some observationsand reflections naturally resulting from it; and whichif but little to hisamusementtend directly to the instruction of the

 

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reader or to the information of the public; to whom if I choose to convey suchinstruction or information with an air of joke and laughternone but thedullest of fellows willI believecensure it; but if they shouldI have theauthority of more than one passage in Horace to allege in my defense.

Having thus endeavored to obviate some censuresto which aman without the gift of foresightor any fear of the imputation of being aconjurermight conceive this work would be liableI might now undertake a morepleasing taskand fall at once to the direct and positive praises of the workitself; of which indeedI could say a thousand good things; but the task is sovery pleasant that I shall leave it wholly to the readerand it is all the taskthat I impose on him. A moderation for which he may think himself obliged to mewhen he compares it with the conduct of authorswho often fill a whole sheetwith their own praisesto which they sometimes set their own real namesandsometimes a fictitious one. One hinthoweverI must give the kind reader;which isthat if he should be able to find no sort of amusement in the bookhewill be pleased to remember the public utility which will arise from it. Ifentertainmentas Mr. Richardson observesbe but a secondary consideration in aromance; with which Mr. AddisonI thinkagreesaffirming the use of thepastry cook to be the first; if thisI saybe true of a mere work ofinventionsure it may well be so considered in a work foundedlike thisontruth; and

 

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where the political reflections form so distinguishing a part.

But perhaps I may hearfrom some critic of the most saturninecomplexionthat my vanity must have made a horrid dupe of my judgmentif ithath flattered me with an expectation of having anything here seen in a gravelightor of conveying any useful instruction to the publicor to theirguardians. I answerwith the great man whom I just now quotedthat my purposeis to convey instruction in the vehicle of entertainment; and so to bring aboutat oncelike the revolution in the Rehearsala perfect reformation of the lawsrelating to our maritime affairs: an undertakingI will not say more modestbut surely more feasiblethan that of reforming a whole peopleby making useof a vehicular storyto wheel in among them worse manners than their own.



[12] At Lisbon.

 

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INTRODUCTION

IN the beginning of August1753when I hadtaken the duke of Portland's medicineas it is callednear a yearthe effectsof which had been the carrying off the symptoms of a lingering imperfect goutIwas persuaded by Mr. Ranbythe king's premier sergeant-surgeonand the ablestadviceI believein all branches of the physical professionto go immediatelyto Bath. I accordingly wrote that very night to Mrs. Bowdenwhoby the nextpostinformed me she had taken me a lodging for a month certain.

Within a few days after thiswhilst I was preparing for myjourneyand when I was almost fatigued to death with several long examinationsrelating to five different murdersall committed within the space of a weekbydifferent gangs of street-robbersI received a message from his grace the dukeof Newcastleby Mr. Carringtonthe king's messengerto attend his grace thenext morningin Lincoln's-inn-fieldsupon some business of importance; but Iexcused myself from complying with the messageasbesides being lameI wasvery ill with the great fatigues I had lately undergone added to my distemper.

His gracehoweversent Mr. Carringtonthe very nextmorningwith another summons; with whichthough in the utmost distressIimmediately complied; but the dukehappeningunfortunately

 

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for meto be then particularly engagedafter I had waited some timesent agentleman to discourse with me on the best plan which could be invented forputting an immediate end to those murders and robberies which were every daycommitted in the streets; upon which I promised to transmit my opinioninwritingto his gracewhoas the gentleman informed meintended to lay itbefore the privy council.

Though this visit cost me a severe coldInotwithstandingset myself down to work; and in about four days sent the duke as regular a planas I could formwith all the reasons and arguments I could bring to support itdrawn out in several sheets of paper; and soon received a message from the dukeby Mr. Carringtonacquainting me that my plan was highly approved ofand thatall the terms of it would be complied with.

The principal and most material of those terms was theimmediately depositing six hundred pound in my hands; at which small charge Iundertook to demolish the then reigning gangsand to put the civil policy intosuch orderthat no such gangs should ever be ablefor the futureto formthemselves into bodiesor at least to remain any time formidable to the public.

I had delayed my Bath journey for some timecontrary to therepeated advice of my physical acquaintanceand to the ardent desire of mywarmest friendsthough my distemper was now turned to a deep jaundice; in whichcase the Bath waters are generally reputed to be almost infallible. But I hadthe most eager desire of demolishing

 

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this gang of villains and cut-throatswhich I was sure of accomplishing themoment I was enabled to pay a fellow who had undertakenfor a small sumtobetray them into the hands of a set of thief-takers whom I had enlisted into theserviceall men of known and approved fidelity and intrepidity.

After some weeks the money was paid at the treasuryandwithin a few days after two hundred pounds of it had come to my handsthe wholegang of cut-throats was entirely dispersedseven of them were in actualcustodyand the rest drivensome out of the townand others out of thekingdom.

Though my health was now reduced to the last extremityIcontinued to act with the utmost vigor against these villains; in examiningwhomand in taking the depositions against themI have often spent whole daysnaysometimes whole nightsespecially when there was any difficulty inprocuring sufficient evidence to convict them; which is a very common case instreet-robberieseven when the guilt of the party is sufficiently apparent tosatisfy the most tender conscience. But courts of justice know nothing of acause more than what is told them on oath by a witness; and the most flagitiousvillain upon earth is tried in the same manner as a man of the best characterwho is accused of the same crime.

Meanwhileamidst all my fatigues and distressesI had thesatisfaction to find my endeavors had been attended with such success that thishellish society were almost utterly extirpated

 

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and thatinstead of reading of murders and street-robberies in the news almostevery morningthere wasin the remaining part of the month of Novemberand inall Decembernot only no such thing as a murderbut not even a street-robberycommitted. Some suchindeedwere mentioned in the public papers; but they wereall found on the strictest inquiryto be false.

In this entire freedom from street-robberiesduring the darkmonthsno man willI believescruple to acknowledge that the winter of 1753stands unrivaledduring a course of many years; and this may possibly appearthe more extraordinary to those who recollect the outrages with which it began.

Having thus fully accomplished my undertakingI went into thecountryin a very weak and deplorable conditionwith no fewer or less diseasesthan a jaundicea dropsyand an asthmaaltogether uniting their forces in thedestruction of a body so entirely emaciated that it had lost all its muscularflesh.

Mine was now no longer what was called a Bath case; norif ithad been sohad I strength remaining sufficient to go thithera ride of sixmiles only being attended with an intolerable fatigue. I now discharged mylodgings at Bathwhich I had hitherto kept. I began in earnest to look on mycase as desperateand I had vanity enough to rank myself with those heroes whoof old timesbecame voluntary sacrifices to the good of the public.

Butlest the reader should be too eager to catch

 

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at the word vanityand should be unwilling to indulge me with so sublimea gratificationfor I think he is not too apt to gratify meI will take my keya pitch lowerand will frankly own that I had a stronger motive than the loveof the public to push me on: I will therefore confess to him that my privateaffairs at the beginning of the winter had but a gloomy aspect; for I had notplundered the public or the poor of those sums which menwho are always readyto plunder both as much as they canhave been pleased to suspect me of taking:on the contraryby composinginstead of inflaming the quarrels of porters andbeggars (which I blush when I say hath not been universally practiced)and byrefusing to take a shilling from a man who most undoubtedly would not have hadanother leftI had reduced an income of about five hundred pounds13a-year of the dirtiest

 

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money upon earth to little more than three hundred pounds; a considerableproportion of which remained with my clerk; andindeedif the whole had donesoas it oughthe would be but ill paid for sitting almost sixteen hours inthe twenty-four in the most unwholesomeas well as nauseous air in theuniverseand which hath in his case corrupted a good constitution withoutcontaminating his morals.

Butnot to trouble the reader with anecdotescontrary to myown rule laid down in my prefaceI assure him I thought my family was veryslenderly provided for; and that my health began to decline so fast that I hadvery little more of life left to accomplish what I had thought of too late. Irejoiced therefore greatly in seeing an opportunityas I apprehendedofgaining such merit in the eve of the publicthatif my life were the sacrificeto itmy friends might think they did a popular act in putting my family atleast beyond the reach of necessitywhich I myself began to despair of doing.And though I disclaim all pretense to that Spartan or Roman patriotism whichloved the public so well that it was always ready to become a voluntarysacrifice to the public good

 

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I do solemnly declare I have that love for my family.

After this confession thereforethat the public was not theprincipal deity to which my life was offered a sacrificeand when it is fartherconsidered what a poor sacrifice this wasbeing indeed no other than the givingup what I saw little likelihood of being able to hold much longerand whichupon the terms I held itnothing but the weakness of human nature couldrepresent to me as worth holding at all; the world mayI believewithout envyallow me all the praise to which I have any title.

My aimin factwas not praisewhich is the last gift theycare to bestow; at leastthis was not my aim as an endbut rather as a meansof purchasing some moderate provision for my familywhichthough it shouldexceed my meritmust fall infinitely short of my serviceif I succeeded in myattempt.

To say the truththe public never act more wisely than whenthey act most liberally in the distribution of their rewards; and here the goodthey receive is often more to be considered than the motive from which theyreceive it. Example alone is the end of all public punishments and rewards. Lawsnever inflict disgrace in resentmentnor confer honor from gratitude. ``For itis very hardmy lord'' said a convicted felon at the bar to the late excellentjudge Burnet``to hang a poor man for stealing a horse.'' ``You are not to behanged sir'' answered my ever-honored and beloved friend``for stealing ahorse

 

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but you are to be hanged that horses may not be stolen.'' In like manner itmight have been said to the late duke of Marlboroughwhen the parliament was sodeservedly liberal to himafter the battle of Blenheim``You receive not thesehonors and bounties on account of a victory pastbut that other victories maybe obtained.''

I was nowin the opinion of all mendying of a complicationof disorders; andwere I desirous of playing the advocateI have an occasionfair enough; but I disdain such an attempt. I relate facts plainly and simply asthey are; and let the world draw from them what conclusions they pleasetakingwith them the following facts for their instruction: the one isthat theproclamation offering one hundred pounds for the apprehending felons for certainfelonies committed in certain placeswhich I prevented from being revivedhadformerly cost the government several thousand pounds within a single year.Secondlythat all such proclamationsinstead of curing the evilhad actuallyincreased it; had multiplied the number of robberies; had propagated the worstand wickedest of perjuries; had laid snares for youth and ignorancewhichbythe temptation of these rewardshad been sometimes drawn into guilt; andsometimeswhich cannot be thought on without the highest horrorhad destroyedthem without it. Thirdlythat my plan had not put the government to more thanthree hundred pound expenseand had produced none of the ill consequences abovementioned; butlastlyhad actually suppressed the evil for a timeand had

 

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plainly pointed out the means of suppressing it for ever. This I would myselfhave undertakenhad my health permittedat the annual expense of theabove-mentioned sum.

After having stood the terrible six weeks which succeeded lastChristmasand put a lucky endif they had known their own intereststo suchnumbers of aged and infirm valetudinarianswho might have gasped through two orthree mild winters moreI returned to town in Februaryin a condition lessdespaired of by myself than by any of my friends. I now became the patient ofDr. Wardwho wished I had taken his advice earlier.

By his advice I was tappedand fourteen quarts of water drawnfrom my belly. The sudden relaxation which this causedadded to my enervateemaciated habit of bodyso weakened me that within two days I was thought to befalling into the agonies of death.

I was at the worst on that memorable day when the public lostMr. Pelham. From that day I began slowlyas it wereto draw my feet out of thegrave; till in two months' time I had again acquired some little degree ofstrengthbut was again full of water.

During this whole time I took Mr. Ward's medicineswhich hadseldom any perceptible operation. Those in particular of the diaphoretic kindthe working of which is thought to require a great strength of constitution tosupporthad so little effect on methat Mr. Ward declared it was as vain toattempt sweating me as a deal board.

 

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In this situation I was tapped a second time. I had one quartof water less taken from me now than before; but I bore all the consequences ofthe operation much better. This I attributed greatly to a dose of laudanumprescribed by my surgeon. It first gave me the most delicious flow of spiritsand afterwards as comfortable a nap.

The month of Maywhich was now begunit seemed reasonable toexpect would introduce the springand drive of that winter which yet maintainedits footing on the stage. I resolved therefore to visit a little house of minein the countrywhich stands at Ealingin the county of Middlesexin the bestairI believein the whole kingdomand far superior to that of KensingtonGravel-pits; for the gravel is here much wider and deeperthe place higher andmore open towards the southwhilst it is guarded from the north wind by a ridgeof hillsand from the smells and smoke of London by its distance; which last isnot the fate of Kensingtonwhen the wind blows from any corner of the east.

Obligations to Mr. Ward I shall always confess; for I amconvinced that he omitted no care in endeavoring to serve mewithout anyexpectation or desire of fee or reward.

The powers of Mr. Ward's remedies want indeed no unfair puffsof mine to give them credit; and though this distemper of the dropsy standsIbelievefirst in the list of those over which he is always certain oftriumphingyetpossiblythere might be something particular in my casecapable of eluding that radical force which had healed so

 

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many thousands. The same distemperin different constitutionsmay possibly beattended with such different symptomsthat to find an infallible nostrum forthe curing any one distemper in every patient may be almost as difficult as tofind a panacea for the cure of all.

But even such a panacea one of the greatest scholars and bestof men did lately apprehend he had discovered. It is trueindeedhe was nophysician; that ishe had not by the forms of his education acquired a right ofapplying his skill in the art of physic to his own private advantage; and yetperhapsit may be truly asserted that no other modern hath contributed so muchto make his physical skill useful to the public; at leastthat none hathundergone the pains of communicating this discovery in writing to the world. ThereaderI thinkwill scarce need to be informed that the writer I mean is thelate bishop of Cloynein Irelandand the discovery that of the virtues oftar-water.

I then happened to recollectupon a hint given me by theinimitable and shamefully-distressed author of the Female Quixotethat I hadmany years beforefrom curiosity onlytaken a cursory view of bishopBerkeley's treatise on the virtues of tar-waterwhich I had formerly observedhe strongly contends to be that real panacea which Sydenham supposes to have anexistence in naturethough it yet remains undiscoveredand perhaps will alwaysremain so.

Upon the reperusal of this book I found the bishop onlyasserting his opinion that tar-water

 

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might be useful in the dropsysince he had known it to have a surprisingsuccess in the cure of a most stubborn anasarcawhich is indeed no other thanas the word impliesthe dropsy of the flesh; and this wasat that timealarge part of my complaint.

After a short trialthereforeof a milk dietwhich Ipresently found did not suit with my caseI betook myself to the bishop'sprescriptionand dosed myself every morning and evening with half a pint oftar-water.

It was no more than three weeks since my last tappingand mybelly and limbs were distended with water. This did not give me the worseopinion of tar-water; for I never supposed there could be any such virtue intar-water as immediately to carry off a quantity of water already collected. Formy delivery from this I well knew I must be again obliged to the trochar; andthat if the tar-water did me any good at all it must be only by the slowestdegrees; and that if it should ever get the better of my distemper it must be bythe tedious operation of underminingand not by a sudden attack and storm.

Some visible effectshoweverand far beyond what my mostsanguine hopes could with any modesty expectI very soon experienced; thetar-water havingfrom the very firstlessened my illnessincreased myappetiteand addedthough in a very slow proportionto my bodily strength.

But if my strength had increased a little my water dailyincreased much more. So thatby the end of Maymy belly became again ripe for

 

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the trocharand I was a third time tapped; upon whichtwo very favorablesymptoms appeared. I had three quarts of water taken from me less than had beentaken the last time; and I bore the relaxation with much less (indeed withscarce any) faintness.

Those of my physical friends on whose judgment I chieflydepended seemed to think my only chance of life consisted in having the wholesummer before me; in which I might hope to gather sufficient strength toencounter the inclemencies of the ensuing winter. But this chance began daily tolessen. I saw the summer mouldering awayor ratherindeedthe year passingaway without intending to bring on any summer at all. In the whole month of Maythe sun scarce appeared three times. So that the early fruits came to thefullness of their growthand to some appearance of ripenesswithout acquiringany real maturity; having wanted the heat of the sun to soften and melioratetheir juices. I saw the dropsy gaining rather than losing ground; the distancegrowing still shorter between the tappings. I saw the asthma likewise beginningagain to become more troublesome. I saw the midsummer quarter drawing towards aclose. So that I conceivedif the Michaelmas quarter should steal off in thesame manneras it wasin my opinionvery much to be apprehended it wouldIshould be delivered up to the attacks of winter before I recruited my forcessoas to be anywise able to withstand them.

 

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I now began to recall an intentionwhich from the firstdawnings of my recovery I had conceivedof removing to a warmer climate; andfinding this to be approved of by a very eminent physicianI resolved to put itinto immediate execution.

Aix in Provence was the place first thought on; but thedifficulties of getting thither were insuperable. The Journey by landbesidethe expense of itwas infinitely too long and fatiguing; and I could hear of noship that was likely to set out from Londonwithin any reasonable timeforMarseillesor any other port in that part of the Mediterranean.

Lisbon was presently fixed on in its room. The air hereas itwas near four degrees to the south of Aixmust be more mild and warmand thewinter shorter and less piercing.

It was not difficult to find a ship bound to a place withwhich we carry on so immense a trade. Accordinglymy brother soon informed meof the excellent accommodations for passengers which were to be found on board aship that was obliged to sail for Lisbon in three days.

I eagerly embraced the offernotwithstanding the shortness ofthe time; andhaving given my brother full power to contract for our passageIbegan to prepare my family for the voyage with the utmost expedition.

But our great haste was needless; for the captain having twiceput off his sailingI at length invited him to dinner with me at Fordhookafull

 

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week after the time on which he had declaredand that with many asseverationshe must and would weigh anchor.

He dined with me according to his appointment; and when allmatters were settled between usleft me with positive orders to be on board theWednesday followingwhen he declared he would fall down the river to Gravesendand would not stay a moment for the greatest man in the world.

He advised me to go to Gravesend by landand there wait thearrival of his shipassigning many reasons for thisevery one of which wasasI well rememberamong those that had before determined me to go on board nearthe Tower.



[13] A predecessor of mine used to boast that he made one thousand pounds a-yearin his office; but how he did this (if indeed he did it) is to me a secret. Hisclerknow minetold me I had more business than he had ever known there; I amsure I had as much as any man could do. The truth isthe fees are so very lowwhen any are dueand so much is done for nothingthatif a single justice ofpeace had business enough to employ twenty clerksneither he nor they would getmuch by their labor. The public will notthereforeI hopethink I betray asecret when I inform them that I received from the Government a yearly pensionout of the public service money; whichI believeindeedwould have beenlarger had my great patron been convinced of an errorwhich I have heard himutter more than oncethat he could not indeed say that the acting as aprincipal justice of peace in Westminster was on all accounts very desirablebut that all the world knew it was a very lucrative office. Nowto have shownhim plainly that a man must be a rogue to make a very little this wayand thathe could not make much by being as great a rogue as he could bewould haverequired more confidence thanI believehe had in meand more of hisconversation than he chose to allow me; I therefore resigned the office and thefarther execution of my plan to my brotherwho had long been my assistant. Andnowlest the case between me and the reader should be the same in bothinstances as it was between me and the great manI will not add another word onthe subject.

 

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THE VOYAGE

WEDNESDAYJune 261754. -- On this day the most melancholy sun I had ever beheld aroseand foundme awake at my house at Fordhook. By the light of this sun I wasin my ownopinionlast to behold and take leave of some of those creatures on whom Idoted with a mother-like fondnessguided by nature and passionand uncured andunhardened by all the doctrine of that philosophical school where I had learnedto bear pains and to despise death.

In this situationas I could not conquer NatureI submittedentirely to herand she made as great a fool of me as she had ever done of anywoman whatsoever; under pretense of giving me leave to enjoyshe drew me in tosufferthe company of my little ones during eight hours; and I doubt notwhetherin that timeI did not undergo more than in all my distemper.

At twelve precisely my coach was at the doorwhich was nosooner told me than I kissed my children roundand went into it with somelittle resolution. My wifewho behaved more like a heroine and philosopherthough at the same time the tenderest mother in the worldand my eldestdaughterfollowed me; some friends went with usand others here took theirleave; and I heard my behavior applaudedwith many murmurs and

 

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praises to which I well knew I had no title; as all other such philosophers mayif they have any modestyconfess on the like occasions.

In two hours we arrived in Rotherhitheand immediately wenton boardand were to have sailed the next morning; butas this was the king'sproclamation-dayand consequently a holiday at the custom-housethe captaincould not clear his vessel till the Thursday; for these holidays are as strictlyobserved as those in the popish calendarand are almost as numerous. I mightadd that both are opposite to the genius of tradeand consequently contra bonumpublicum.

To go on board the ship it was necessary first to go into aboat; a matter of no small difficultyas I had no use of my limbsand was tobe carried by men whothough sufficiently strong for their burdenwerelikeArchimedespuzzled to find a steady footing. Of thisas few of my readers havenot gone into wherries on the Thamesthey will easily be able to form tothemselves an idea. Howeverby the assistance of my friendMr. Welchwhom Inever think or speak of but with love and esteemI conquered this difficultyas I did afterwards that of ascending the shipinto which I was hoisted withmore ease by a chair lifted with pulleys. I was soon seated in a great chair inthe cabinto refresh myself after a fatigue which had been more intolerableina quarter of a mile's passage from my coach to the shipthan I had beforeundergone in a land-journey of twelve mileswhich I had traveled with theutmost expedition.

 

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This latter fatigue wasperhapssomewhat heightened by anindignation which I could not prevent arising in my mind. I thinkupon myentrance into the boatI presented a spectacle of the highest horror. The totalloss of limbs was apparent to all who saw meand my face contained marks of amost diseased stateif not of death itself. Indeedso ghastly was mycountenancethat timorous women with child had abstained from my houseforfear of the ill consequences of looking at me. In this condition I ran thegauntlope (so I think I may justly call it) through rows of sailors andwatermenfew of whom failed of paying their compliments to me by all manner ofinsults and jests on my misery. No man who knew me will think I conceived anypersonal resentment at this behavior; but it was a lively picture of thatcruelty and inhumanity in the nature of men which I have often contemplated withconcernand which leads the mind into a train of very uncomfortable andmelancholy thoughts. It may be said that this barbarous custom is peculiar tothe Englishand of them only to the lowest degree; that it is an excrescence ofan uncontrolled licentiousness mistaken for libertyand never shows itself inmen who are polished and refined in such manner as human nature requires toproduce that perfection of which it is susceptibleand to purge away thatmalevolence of disposition of whichat our birthwe partake in common with thesavage creation.

This may be saidand this is all that can be said; and it isI am afraidbut little satisfactory

 

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to account for the inhumanity of those whowhile they boast of being made afterGod's own imageseem to bear in their minds a resemblance of the vilest speciesof brutes; or ratherindeedof our idea of devils; for I don't know that anybrutes can be taxed with such malevolence.

A sirloin of beef was now placed on the tablefor whichthough little better than carrionas much was charged by the master of thelittle paltry ale-house who dressed it as would have been demanded for all theelegance of the King's Armsor any other polite tavern or eating-house! forindeedthe difference between the best house and the worst isthat at theformer you pay largely for luxuryat the latter for nothing.

ThursdayJune 27. -- This morningthe captainwho lay on shore at his own housepaid us a visit in the cabinand behaved like an angry bashawdeclaring thathad he known we were not to bepleasedhe would not have carried us for five hundred pounds. He added manyasseverations that he was a gentlemanand despised money; not forgettingseveral hints of the presents which had been made him for his cabinof twentythirtyand forty guineasby several gentlemenover and above the sum forwhich they had contracted. This behavior greatly surprised meas I knew not howto account for itnothing having happened since we parted from the captain theevening before in perfect good humor; and all this broke forth on the firstmoment of his arrival this morning. He did nothoweversuffer my amazement tohave any long continuance before he clearly

 

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showed me that all this was meant only as an apology to introduce anotherprocrastination (being the fifth) of his weighing anchorwhich was nowpostponed till Saturdayfor such was his will and pleasure.

Besides the disagreeable situation in which we then layinthe confines of Wapping and Rotherhithetasting a delicious mixture of the airof both these sweet placesand enjoying the concord of sweet sounds of seamenwatermenfish-womenoyster-womenand of all the vociferous inhabitants ofboth shorescomposing altogether a greater variety of harmony than Hogarth'simagination hath brought together in that print of hiswhich is enough to makea man deaf to look at -- I had a more urgent cause to press our departurewhichwasthat the dropsyfor which I had undergone three tappingsseemed tothreaten me with a fourth discharge before I should reach Lisbonand when Ishould have nobody on board capable of performing the operation; but I wasobliged to hearken to the voice of reasonif I may use the captain's own wordsand to rest myself contented. Indeedthere was no alternative within my reachbut what would have cost me much too dear.

There are many evils in society from which people of thehighest rank are so entirely exemptthat they have not the least knowledge oridea of them; nor indeed of the characters which are formed by them. Suchforinstanceis the conveyance of goods and passengers from one place to another.Now there is no such thing as any kind of knowledge contemptible in itself; andas the particular

 

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knowledge I here mean is entirely necessary to the well understanding and wellenjoying this journal; andlastlyas in this case the most ignorant will bethose very readers whose amusement we chiefly consultand to whom we wish to besupposed principally to writewe will here enter somewhat largely into thediscussion of this matter; the ratherfor that no ancient or modern author (ifwe can trust the catalogue of doctor Mead's library) hath ever undertaken itbut that it seems (in the style of Don Quixote) a task reserved for my penalone.

When I first conceived this intention I began to entertainthoughts of inquiring into the antiquity of traveling; andas many persons haveperformed in this way (I mean have traveled) at the expense of the publicIflattered myself that the spirit of improving arts and sciencesand ofadvancing useful and substantial learningwhich so eminently distinguishes thisageand hath given rise to more speculative societies in Europe than I atpresent can recollect the names of -- perhapsindeedthan I or any otherbesides their very near neighborsever heard mentioned -- would assist inpromoting so curious a work; a work begun with the same viewscalculated forthe same purposesand fitted for the same useswith the labors which thoseright honorable societies have so cheerfully undertaken themselvesandencouraged in others; sometimes with the highest honorseven with admissioninto their collegesand with enrollment among their members.

From these societies I promised myself all assistance

 

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in their powerparticularly the communication of such valuable manuscripts andrecords as they must be supposed to have collected from those obscure ages ofantiquity when history yields us such imperfect accounts of the residenceandmuch more imperfect of the travelsof the human race; unlessperhapsas acurious and learned member of the young Society of Antiquarians is said to havehinted his conjecturesthat their residence and their travels were one and thesame; and this discovery (for such it seems to be) he is said to have owed tothe lighting by accident on a bookwhich we shall have occasion to mentionpresentlythe contents of which were then little known to the society.

The king of Prussiamoreoverwhofrom a degree ofbenevolence and taste which in either case is a rare production in so northern aclimateis the great encourager of art and scienceI was well assured wouldpromote so useful a designand order his archives to be searched on my behalf.

But after well weighing all these advantagesand muchmeditation on the order of my workmy whole design was subverted in a moment byhearing of the discovery just mentioned to have been made by the youngantiquarianwhofrom the most ancient record in the world (though I don't findthe society are all agreed on this point)one long preceding the date of theearliest modern collectionseither of books or butterfliesnone of whichpretend to go beyond the floodshows us that the first man was a travelerandthat he and his family were scarce settled in Paradise before

 

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they disliked their own homeand became passengers to another place. Hence itappears that the humor of traveling is as old as the human raceand that it wastheir curse from the beginning.

By this discovery my plan became much shortenedand I foundit only necessary to treat of the conveyance of goods and passengers from placeto place; whichnot being universally knownseemed proper to be explainedbefore we examined into its original. There are indeed two different ways oftracing all things used by the historian and the antiquary; these are upwardsand downwards. The former shows you how things areand leaves to others todiscover when they began to be so. The latter shows you how things wereandleaves their present existence to be examined by others. Hence the former ismore usefulthe latter more curious. The former receives the thanks of mankind;the latter of that valuable partthe virtuosi.

In explainingthereforethis mystery of carrying goods andpassengers from one place to anotherhitherto so profound a secret to the verybest of our readerswe shall pursue the historical methodand endeavor to showby what means it is at present performedreferring the more curious inquiryeither to some other pen or to some other opportunity.

Now there are two general ways of performing (if God permit)this conveyanceviz.by land and waterboth of which have much variety; thatby land being performed in different vehiclessuch as coachescaravanswagonsetc.; and that by water

 

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in shipsbargesand boatsof various sizes and denominations. Butas allthese methods of conveyance are formed on the same principlesthey agree sowell togetherthat it is fully sufficient to comprehend them all in the generalviewwithout descending to such minute particulars as would distinguish onemethod from another.

Common to all of these is one general principle thatas thegoods to be conveyed are usually the largerso they are to be chieflyconsidered in the conveyance; the owner being indeed little more than anappendage to his trunkor boxor baleor at best a small part of his ownbaggagevery little care is to be taken in stowing or packing them up withconvenience to himself; for the conveyance is not of passengers and goodsbutof goods and passengers.

Secondlyfrom this conveyance arises a new kind of relationor rather of subjectionin the societyby which the passenger becomes bound inallegiance to his conveyer. This allegiance is indeed only temporary and localbut the most absolute during its continuance of any known in Great Britainandto say truthscarce consistent with the liberties of a free peoplenor couldit be reconciled with themdid it not move downwards; a circumstanceuniversally apprehended to be incompatible to all kinds of slavery; forAristotle in his Politics hath proved abundantly to my satisfaction that no menare born to be slavesexcept barbarians; and these only to such as are notthemselves barbarians; and indeed Mr. Montesquieu hath carried it very littlefarther in the case of the

 

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Africans; the real truth being that no man is born to be a slaveunless to himwho is able to make him so.

Thirdlythis subjection is absoluteand consists of aperfect resignation both of body and soul to the disposal of another; afterwhich resignationduring a certain timehis subject retains no more power overhis own will than an Asiatic slaveor an English wifeby the laws of bothcountriesand by the customs of one of them. If I should mention the instanceof a stage-coachmanmany of my readers would recognize the truth of what I havehere observed; allindeedthat ever have been under the dominion of thattyrantwho in this free country is as absolute as a Turkish bashaw. In twoparticulars only his power is defective; he cannot press you into his serviceand if you enter yourself at one placeon condition of being discharged at acertain time at anotherhe is obliged to perform his agreementif God permitbut all the intermediate time you are absolutely under his government; hecarries you how he willwhen he willand whither he willprovided it be notmuch out of the road; you have nothing to eat or to drinkbut whatand whenand where he pleases. Nayyou cannot sleep unless he pleases you should; for hewill order you sometimes out of bed at midnight and hurry you away at a moment'swarning: indeedif you can sleep in his vehicle he cannot prevent it; nayindeedto give him his duethis he is ordinarily disposed to encourage: forthe earlier he forces yon to rise in the morningthe more time he will give youin the

 

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heat of the daysometimes even six hours at an ale-houseor at their doorswhere he always gives you the same indulgence which he allows himself; and forthis he is generally very moderate in his demands. I have known a whole bundleof passengers charged no more than half-a-crown for being suffered to remainquiet at an ale-house door for above a whole hourand that even in the hottestday in summer.

But as this kind of tyrannythough it hath escaped ourpolitical writershath been I think touched by our dramaticand is more triteamong the generality of readers; and as this and all other kinds of suchsubjection are alike unknown to my friendsI will quit the passengers by landand treat of those who travel by water; for whatever is said on this subject isapplicable to both alikeand we may bring them together as closely as they arebrought in the liturgywhen they are recommended to the prayers of allChristian congregations; and (which I have often thought very remarkable) wherethey are joined with other miserable wretchessuch as women in laborpeople insicknessinfants just bornprisoners and captives.

Goods and passengers are conveyed by water in divers vehiclesthe principal of which being a shipit shall suffice to mention that alone.Here the tyrant doth not derive his titleas the stage-coachman dothfrom thevehicle itself in which he stows his goods and passengersbut he is called thecaptain -- a word of such various use and uncertain significationthat it seemsvery difficult to fix any positive idea to it: ifindeedthere be any

 

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general meaning which may comprehend all its different usesthat of the head orchief of any body of men seems to be most capable of this comprehension; forwhether they be a company of soldiersa crew of sailorsor a gang of rogueshe who is at the head of them is always styled the captain.

The particular tyrant whose fortune it was to stow us aboardlaid a farther claim to this appellation than the bare command of a vehicle ofconveyance. He had been the captain of a privateerwhich he chose to call beingin the king's serviceand thence derived a right of hoisting the militaryornament of a cockade over the button of his hat. He likewise wore a sword of noordinary length by his sidewith which he swaggered in his cabinamong thewretches his passengerswhom he had stowed in cupboards on each side. He was aperson of a very singular character. He had taken it into his head that he was agentlemanfrom those very reasons that proved he was not one; and to showhimself a fine gentlemanby a behavior which seemed to insinuate he had neverseen one. He wasmoreovera man of gallantry; at the age of seventy he had thefinicalness of Sir Courtly Nicewith the roughness of Surly; andwhile he wasdeaf himselfhad a voice capable of deafening all others.

Nowas I saw myself in danger by the delays of the captainwho wasin realitywaiting for more freightand as the wind had been longnestedas it werein the southwestwhere it constantly blew hurricanesIbegan with great reason to apprehend

 

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that our voyage might be longand that my bellywhich began already to be muchextendedwould require the water to be let out at a time when no assistance wasat hand; thoughindeedthe captain comforted me with assurances that he had apretty young fellow on board who acted as his surgeonas I found he likewisedid as stewardcookbutlersailor. In shorthe had as many offices as Scrubin the playand went through them all with great dexterity; this of surgeonwasperhapsthe only one in which his skill was somewhat deficientat leastthat branch of tapping for the dropsy; for he very ingenuously and modestlyconfessed he had never seen the operation performednor was possessed of thatchirurgical instrument with which it is performed.

FridayJune 28. -- By way ofpreventionthereforeI this day sent for my friendMr. Hunterthe greatsurgeon and anatomist of Covent-garden; andthough my belly was not yet veryfull and tightlet out ten quarts of water; the young sea-surgeon attended theoperationnot as a performerbut as a student.

I was now eased of the greatest apprehension which I had fromthe length of the passage; and I told the captain I was become indifferent as tothe time of his sailing. He expressed much satisfaction in this declarationandat hearing from me that I found myselfsince my tappingmuch lighter andbetter. In thisI believehe was sincere; for he wasas we shall haveoccasion to observe more than oncea very good-natured man; andas he was avery brave one tooI found that the

 

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heroic constancy with which I had borne an operation that is attended withscarce any degree of pain had not a little raised me in his esteem. That hemight adherethereforein the most religious and rigorous manner to his wordwhen he had no longer any temptation from interest to break itas he had nolonger any hopes of more goods or passengershe ordered his ship to fall downto Gravesend on Sunday morningand there to wait his arrival.

SundayJune 30. -- Nothing worthnotice passed till that morningwhen my poor wifeafter passing a night in theutmost torments of the toothacheresolved to have it drawn. I despatchedtherefore a servant into Wapping to bring in haste the best tooth-drawer hecould find. He soon found out a female of great eminence in the art; but when hebrought her to the boatat the watersidethey were informed that the ship wasgone; for indeed she had set out a few minutes after his quitting her; nor didthe pilotwho well knew the errand on which I had sent my servantthink fit towait a moment for his returnor to give me any notice of his setting outthough I had very patiently attended the delays of the captain four daysaftermany solemn promises of weighing anchor every one of the three last.

But of all the petty bashaws or turbulent tyrants I everbeheldthis sour-faced pilot was the worst tempered; forduring the time thathe had the guidance of the shipwhich was till we arrived in the Downshecomplied with no one's desires

 

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nor did he give a civil wordor indeed a civil lookto any on board.

The tooth-drawerwhoas I said beforewas one of greateminence among her neighborsrefused to follow the ship; so that my man madehimself the best of his wayand with some difficulty came up with us before wewere got under full sail; for after thatas we had both wind and tide with ushe would have found it impossible to overtake the ship till she was come to ananchor at Gravesend.

The morning was fair and brightand we had a passage thitherI thinkas pleasant as can be conceived: fortake it with all its advantagesparticularly the number of fine ships you are always sure of seeing by the waythere is nothing to equal it in all the rivers of the world. The yards ofDeptford and of Woolwich are noble sightsand give us a just idea of the greatperfection to which we are arrived in building those floating castlesand thefigure which we may always make in Europe among the other maritime powers. Thatof Woolwichat leastvery strongly imprinted this idea on my mind; for therewas now on the stocks there the Royal Annesupposed to be the largest ship everbuiltand which contains ten carriage-guns more than had ever yet equipped afirst-rate.

It is trueperhapsthat there is more of ostentation than ofreal utility in ships of this vast and unwieldy burdenwhich are rarely capableof acting against an enemy; but if the building such

 

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contributes to preserveamong other nationsthe notion of the Britishsuperiority in naval affairsthe expensethough very greatis well incurredand the ostentation is laudable and truly political. IndeedI should be sorryto allow that HollandFranceor Spainpossessed a vessel larger and morebeautiful than the largest and most beautiful of ours; for this honor I wouldalways administer to the pride of our sailorswho should challenge it from alltheir neighbors with truth and success. And sure I am that not our honest tarsalonebut every inhabitant of this islandmay exult in the comparisonwhen heconsiders the king of Great Britain as a maritime princein opposition to anyother prince in Europe; but I am not so certain that the same idea ofsuperiority will result from comparing our land forces with those of many othercrowned heads. In numbers they all far exceed usand in the goodness andsplendor of their troops many nationsparticularly the Germans and Frenchandperhaps the Dutchcast us at a distance; forhowever we may flatter ourselveswith the Edwards and Henrys of former agesthe change of the whole art of warsince those daysby which the advantage of personal strength is in a mannerentirely losthath produced a change in military affairs to the advantage ofour enemies. As for our successes in later daysif they were not entirely owingto the superior genius of our generalthey were not a little due to thesuperior force of his money. Indeedif we should arraign marshal Saxe ofostentation when he showed his armydrawn upto our

 

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captive generalthe day after the battle of La Valwe cannot say that theostentation was entirely vain; since he certainly showed him an army which hadnot been often equaledeither in the number or goodness of the troopsandwhichin those respectsso far exceeded oursthat none can ever cast anyreflection on the brave young prince who could not reap the laurels of conquestin that day; but his retreat will be always mentioned as an addition to hisglory.

In our marine the case is entirely the reverseand it must beour own fault if it doth not continue so; for continue so it will as long as theflourishing state of our trade shall support itand this support it can neverwant till our legislature shall cease to give sufficient attention to theprotection of our tradeand our magistrates want sufficient powerabilityandhonestyto execute the laws; a circumstance not to be apprehendedas it cannothappen till our senates and our benches shall be filled with the blindestignoranceor with the blackest corruption.

Besides the ships in the dockswe saw many on the water: theyachts are sights of great paradeand the king's body yacht isI believeunequaled in any country for convenience as well as magnificence; both which areconsulted in building and equipping her with the most exquisite art andworkmanship.

We saw likewise several Indiamen just returned from theirvoyage. These areI believethe largest and finest vessels which are anywhereemployed in commercial affairs. The colliers

 

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likewisewhich are very numerousand even assemble in fleetsare ships ofgreat bulk; and if we descend to those used in the AmericanAfricanandEuropean tradesand pass through those which visit our own coaststo the smallcraft that lie between Chatham and the Towerthe whole forms a most pleasingobject to the eyeas well as highly warming to the heart of an Englishman whohas any degree of love for his countryor can recognize any effect of thepatriot in his constitution.

Lastlythe Royal Hospital at Greenwichwhich presents sodelightful a front to the waterand doth such honor at once to its builder andthe nationto the great skill and ingenuity of the oneand to the no lesssensible gratitude of the othervery properly closes the account of this scene;which may well appear romantic to those who have not themselves seen thatinthis one instancetruth and reality are capableperhapsof exceeding thepower of fiction.

When we had passed by Greenwich we saw only two or threegentlemen's housesall of very moderate accounttill we reached Gravesend:these are all on the Kentish shorewhich affords a much dryerwholesomerandpleasanter situationthan doth that of its oppositeEssex. This circumstanceI ownis somewhat surprising to mewhen I reflect on the numerous villas thatcrowd the river from Chelsea upwards as far as Sheppertonwhere the narrowerchannel affords not half so noble a prospectand where the continual successionof the small craftlike the frequent repetition

 

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of all thingswhich have nothing in them greatbeautifulor admirabletirethe eyeand give us distaste and aversioninstead of pleasure. With some ofthese situationssuch as BarnesMortlakeetc.even the shore of Essex mightcontendnot upon very unequal terms; but on the Kentish borders there are manyspots to be chosen by the builder which might justly claim the preference overalmost the very finest of those in Middlesex and Surrey.

How shall we account for this depravity in taste? for surelythere are none so very mean and contemptible as to bring the pleasure of seeinga number of little wherriesgliding along after one anotherin competitionwith what we enjoy in viewing a succession of shipswith all their sailsexpanded to the windsbounding over the waves before us.

And here I cannot pass by another observation on thedeplorable want of taste in our enjoymentswhich we show by almost totallyneglecting the pursuit of what seems to me the highest degree of amusement; thisisthe sailing ourselves in little vessels of our owncontrived only for ourease and accommodationto which such situations of our villas as I haverecommended would be so convenientand even necessary.

This amusementI confessif enjoyed in any perfectionwouldbe of the expensive kind; but such expense would not exceed the reach of amoderate fortuneand would fall very short of the prices which are daily paidfor pleasures of a far inferior rate. The truthI believeisthat

 

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sailing in the manner I have just mentioned is a pleasure rather unknownorunthought ofthan rejected by those who have experienced it; unlessperhapsthe apprehension of danger or seasickness may be supposedby the timorous anddelicateto make too large deductions -- insisting that all their enjoymentsshall come to them pure and unmixedand being ever ready to cry out

-- -- Nocet empta dolore voluptas.

Thishoweverwas my present case; for the ease and lightnesswhich I felt from my tappingthe gayety of the morningthe pleasant sailingwith wind and tideand the many agreeable objects with which I was constantlyentertained during the whole waywere all suppressed and overcome by the singleconsideration of my wife's painwhich continued incessantly to torment her tillwe came to an anchorwhen I dispatched a messenger in great haste for the bestreputed operator in Gravesend. A surgeon of some eminence now appearedwho didnot decline tooth-drawingthough he certainly would have been offended with theappellation of tooth-drawer no less than his brethrenthe members of thatvenerable bodywould be with that of barbersince the late separation betweenthose long-united companiesby whichif the surgeons have gained muchthebarbers are supposed to have lost very little.

This able and careful person (for so I sincerely believe heis) after examining the guilty toothdeclared that it was such a rotten shelland so placed at the very remotest end of the upper jaw

 

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where it was in a manner covered and secured by a large fine firm tooththat hedespaired of his power of drawing it.

He saidindeedmore to my wifeand used more rhetoric todissuade her from having it drawnthan is generally employed to persuade youngladies to prefer a pain of three moments to one of three months' continuanceespecially if those young ladies happen to be past forty and fifty years of agewhenby submitting to support a racking tormentthe only good circumstanceattending which isit is so short that scarce one in a thousand can cry out ``Ifeel it'' they are to do a violence to their charmsand lose one of thosebeautiful holders with which alone Sir Courtly Nice declares a lady can ever layhold of his heart.

He said at last so muchand seemed to reason so justlythatI came over to his sideand assisted him in prevailing on my wife (for it wasno easy matter) to resolve on keeping her tooth a little longerand to applypalliatives only for relief. These were opium applied to the toothand blistersbehind the ears.

Whilst we were at dinner this day in the cabinon a suddenthe window on one side was beat into the room with a crash as if atwenty-pounder had been discharged among us. We were all alarmed at thesuddenness of the accidentfor whichhoweverwe were soon able to accountfor the sashwhich was shivered all to pieceswas pursued into the middle ofthe cabin by the bowsprit of a little ship called a cod-smackthe master ofwhich made us amends for running (carelessly at best) against

 

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usand injuring the shipin the sea-way; that is to sayby damning us all tohelland uttering several pious wishes that it had done us much more mischief.All which were answered in their own kind and phrase by our menbetween whomand the other crew a dialogue of oaths and scurrility was carried on as long asthey continued in each other's hearing.

It is difficultI thinkto assign a satisfactory reason whysailors in general shouldof all othersthink themselves entirely dischargedfrom the common bands of humanityand should seem to glory in the language andbehavior of savages! They see more of the worldand havemost of thema moreerudite education than is the portion of landmen of their degree. Nor do Ibelieve that in any country they visit (Holland itself not excepted) they canever find a parallel to what daily passes on the river Thames. Is it that theythink true courage (for they are the bravest fellows upon earth) inconsistentwith all the gentleness of a humane carriageand that the contempt of civilorder springs up in minds but little cultivatedat the same time and from thesame principles with the contempt of danger and death? Is it -- ? in shortitis so; and how it comes to be so I leave to form a question in the Robin HoodSocietyor to he propounded for solution among the enigmas in the Woman'sAlmanac for the next year.

MondayJuly 1. -- This day Mr.Welch took his leave of me after dinneras did a young lady of her sisterwhowas proceeding with my wife to

 

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Lisbon. They both set out together in a post-chaise for London.

Soon after their departure our cabinwhere my wife and I weresitting togetherwas visited by two ruffianswhose appearance greatlycorresponded with that of the sheriffsor rather the knight-marshal's bailiffs.One of these especiallywho seemed to affect a more than ordinary degree ofrudeness and insolencecame in without any kind of ceremonywith a broad goldlace on his hatwhich was cocked with much military fierceness on his head. Aninkhorn at his buttonhole and some papers in his hand sufficiently assured mewhat he wasand I asked him if he and his companion were not custom-houseofficers: he answered with sufficient dignity that they wereas an informationwhich he seemed to conclude would strike the hearer with aweand suppress allfurther inquiry; buton the contraryI proceeded to ask of what rank he was inthe custom-houseandreceiving an answer from his companionas I rememberthat the gentleman was a riding surveyorI replied that he might be a ridingsurveyorbut could be no gentlemanfor that none who had any title to thatdenomination would break into the presence of a lady without an apology or evenmoving his hat. He then took his covering from his head and laid it on thetablesayinghe asked pardonand blamed the matewho shouldhe saidhaveinformed him if any persons of distinction were below. I told him he might guessby our appearance (whichperhapswas

 

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rather more than could be said with the strictest adherence to truth) that hewas before a gentleman and ladywhich should teach him to be very civil in hisbehaviorthough we should not happen to be of that number whom the world callspeople of fashion and distinction. HoweverI saidthat as he seemed sensibleof his errorand had asked pardonthe lady would permit him to put his hat onagain if he chose it. This he refused with some degree of surlinessand failednot to convince me thatif I should condescend to become more gentlehe wouldsoon grow more rude.

I now renewed a reflectionwhich I have often seen occasionto makethat there is nothing so incongruous in nature as any kind of powerwith lowness of mind and of abilityand that there is nothing more deplorablethan the want of truth in the whimsical notion of Platowho tells us that``Saturnwell knowing the state of human affairsgave us kings and rulersnotof human but divine original; foras we make not shepherds of sheepnoroxherds of oxennor goatherds of goatsbut place some of our own kind over allas being better and fitter to govern them; in the same manner were demons by thedivine love set over us as a race of beings of a superior order to menand whowith great ease to themselvesmight regulate our affairs and establish peacemodestyfreedomand justiceandtotally destroying all seditionmightcomplete the happiness of the human race. So farat leastmay even now be saidwith truththat in all states which are under the government of mere manwithout any divine assistance

 

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there is nothing but labor and misery to be found. From what I have saidthereforewe may at least learnwith our utmost endeavorsto imitate theSaturnian institution; borrowing all assistance from our immortal partwhile wepay to this the strictest obediencewe should form both our private economy andpublic policy from its dictates. By this dispensation of our immortal minds weare to establish a law and to call it by that name. But if any government be inthe hands of a single personof the fewor of the manyand such governor orgovernors shall abandon himself or themselves to the unbridled pursuit of thewildest pleasures or desiresunable to restrain any passionbut possessed withan insatiable bad disease; if such shall attempt to governand at the same timeto trample on all lawsthere can be no means of preservation left for thewretched people.'' Plato de Leg.lib. iv. p. 713c. 714edit. Serrani.

It is true that Plato is here treating of the highest orsovereign power in a statebut it is as true that his observations are generaland may be applied to all inferior powers; andindeedevery subordinate degreeis immediately derived from the highest; andas it is equally protected by thesame force and sanctified by the same authorityis alike dangerous to thewell-being of the subject.

Of all powersperhapsthere is none so sanctified andprotected as this which is under our present consideration. So numerousindeedand strongare the sanctions given to it by many acts of parliamentthathaving once established the

 

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laws of customs on merchandiseit seems to have been the sole view of thelegislature to strengthen the hands and to protect the persons of the officerswho became established by those lawsmany of whom are so far from bearing anyresemblance to the Saturnian institutionand to be chosen from a degree ofbeings superior to the rest of human racethat they sometimes seemindustriously picked out of the lowest and vilest orders of mankind.

There isindeednothingso useful to man in generalnor sobeneficial to particular societies and individualsas trade. This is that almamater at whose plentiful breast all mankind are nourished. It is truelikeother parentsshe is not always equally indulgent to all her childrenbutthough she gives to her favorites a vast proportion of redundancy andsuperfluitythere are very few whom she refuses to supply with theconveniencesand none with the necessariesof life.

Such a benefactress as this must naturally be beloved bymankind in general; it would be wonderfulthereforeif her interest was notconsidered by themand protected from the fraud and violence of some of herrebellious offspringwhocoveting more than their share or more than shethinks proper to allow themare daily employed in meditating mischief againstherand in endeavoring to steal from their brethren those shares which thisgreat alma mater had allowed them.

At length our governor came on boardand about six in theevening we weighed anchorand

 

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fell down to the Norewhither our passage was extremely pleasantthe eveningbeing very delightfulthe moon just past the fulland both wind and tidefavorable to us.

TuesdayJuly 2. -- This morning weagain set sailunder all the advantages we had enjoyed the evening before. Thisday we left the shore of Essex and coasted along Kentpassing by the pleasantisland of Thanetwhich is an islandand that of Sheppywhich is not anislandand about three o 'clockthe wind being now full in our teethwe cameto an anchor in the Downswithin two miles of Deal. -- My wifehaving sufferedintolerable pain from her toothagain renewed her resolution of having itdrawnand another surgeon was sent for from Dealbut with no better successthan the former. He likewise declined the operationfor the same reason whichhad been assigned by the former: howeversuch was her resolutionbacked withpainthat he was obliged to make the attemptwhich concluded more in honor ofhis judgment than of his operation; forafter having put my poor wife toinexpressible tormenthe was obliged to leave her tooth in statu quo; and shehad now the comfortable prospect of a long fit of painwhich might have lastedher whole voyagewithout any possibility of relief.

In these pleasing sensationsof which I had my just sharenatureovercome with fatigueabout eight in the evening resigned her to rest-- a circumstance which would have given me some happinesscould I have knownhow to employ those spirits which were raised by it; butunfortunately for

 

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meI was left in a disposition of enjoying an agreeable hour without theassistance of a companionwhich has always appeared to me necessary to suchenjoyment; my daughter and her companion were both retired sea-sick to bed; theother passengers were a rude school-boy of fourteen years old and an illiteratePortuguese friarwho understood no language but his ownin which I had not theleast smattering. The captain was the only person left in whose conversation Imight indulge myself; but unluckilybesides a total ignorance of everything inthe world but a shiphe had the misfortune of being so deafthat to make himhearI will not say understandmy wordsI must run the risk of conveying themto the ears of my wifewhothough in another room (calledI thinkthestate-room -- beingindeeda most stately apartmentcapable of containing onehuman body in lengthif not very talland three bodies in breadth)lay asleepwithin a yard of me. In this situation necessity and choice were one and thesame thing; the captain and I sat down together to a small bowl of punchoverwhich we both soon fell fast asleepand so concluded the evening.

WednesdayJuly 3. -- This morning Iawaked at four o'clock for my distemper seldom suffered me to sleep later. Ipresently got upand had the pleasure of enjoying the sight of a tempestuoussea for four hours before the captain was stirring; for he loved to indulgehimself in morning slumberswhich were attended with a wind-musicmuch moreagreeable to the performers than to

 

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the hearersespecially such as haveas I hadthe privilege of sitting in theorchestra. At eight o 'clock the captain roseand sent his boat on shore. Iordered my man likewise to go in itas my distemper was not of that kind whichentirely deprives us of appetite. Nowthough the captain had well victualledhis ship with all manner of salt provisions for the voyageand had added greatquantities of fresh storesparticularly of vegetablesat Gravesendsuch asbeans and peaswhich had been on board only two daysand had possibly not beengathered above two moreI apprehended I could provide better for myself at Dealthan the ship's ordinary seemed to promise. I accordingly sent for freshprovisions of all kinds from the shorein order to put off the evil day ofstarving as long as possible. My man returned with most of the articles I sentforand I now thought myself in a condition of living a week on my ownprovisions. I therefore ordered my own dinnerwhich I wanted nothing but a cookto dress and a proper fire to dress it at; but those were not to be hadnorindeed any addition to my roast muttonexcept the pleasure of the captain'scompanywith that of the other passengers; for my wife continued the whole dayin a state of dozingand my other femaleswhose sickness did not abate by therolling of the ship at anchorseemed more inclined to empty their stomachs thanto fill them. Thus I passed the whole day (except about an hour at dinner) bymyselfand the evening concluded with the captain as the preceding one haddone; one comfortable piece of news he communicated

 

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to mewhich wasthat he had no doubt of a prosperous wind in the morning; butas he did not divulge the reasons of this confidenceand as I saw none myselfbesides the wind being directly oppositemy faith in this prophecy was notstrong enough to build any great hopes upon.

ThursdayJuly 4. -- This morninghoweverthe captain seemed resolved to fulfill his own predictionswhether thewind would or no; he accordingly weighed anchorandtaking the advantage ofthe tide when the wind was not very boisteroushe hoisted his sails; andas ifhis power had been no less absolute over Æolus than it was over Neptuneheforced the wind to blow him on in its own despite.

But as all men who have ever been at sea well know how weaksuch attempts areand want no authorities of Scripture to prove that the mostabsolute power of a captain of a ship is very contemptible in the wind's eyesodid it befall our noble commanderwhohaving struggled with the wind three orfour hourswas obliged to give overand lost in a few minutes all that he hadbeen so long a-gaining; in shortwe returned to our former stationand oncemore cast anchor in the neighborhood of Deal.

Herethough we lay near the shorethat we might promiseourselves all the emolument which could be derived from itwe found ourselvesdeceived; and that we might with as much conveniency be out of the sight ofland; forexcept when the captain launched forth his own boatwhich he didalways with great reluctance

 

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we were incapable of procuring anything from Dealbut at a price tooexorbitantand beyond the reach even of modern luxury -- the fare of a boatfrom Dealwhich lay at two miles' distancebeing at least three half-crownsandif we had been in any distress for itas many half-guineas; for these goodpeople consider the sea as a large common appendant to their manor; in whichwhen they find any of their fellow-creatures impoundedthey conclude that theyhave a full right of making them pay at their own discretion for theirdeliverance: to say the truthwhether it be that men who live on the sea-shoreare of an amphibious kindand do not entirely partake of human natureorwhatever else may be the reasonthey are so far from taking any share in thedistresses of mankindor of being moved with any compassion for themthat theylook upon them as blessings showered down from aboveand which the more theyimprove to their own usethe greater is their gratitude and piety. Thus atGravesend a sculler requires a shilling for going less way than he would row inLondon for threepence; and at Deal a boat often brings more profit in a day thanit can produce in London in a weekor perhaps in a month; in both places theowner of the boat founds his demand on the necessity and distress of one whostands more or less in absolute want of his assistanceand with the urgency ofthese always rises in the exorbitancy of his demandwithout ever consideringthatfrom these very circumstancesthe power or ease of gratifying such demandis in like proportion lessened. Nowas I

 

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am unwilling that some conclusionswhich may beI am awaretoo justly drawnfrom these observationsshould be imputed to human nature in generalI haveendeavored to account for them in a way more consistent with the goodness anddignity of that nature. However it beit seems a little to reflect on thegovernors of such monsters that they do not take some means to restrain theseimpositionsand prevent them from triumphing any longer in the miseries ofthose who arein many circumstances at leasttheir fellow-creaturesandconsidering the distresses of a wretched seamanfrom his being wrecked to hisbeing barely windboundas a blessing sent among them from aboveand calling itby that blasphemous name.

FridayJuly 5. -- This day I sent aservant on board a man-of-war that was stationed herewith my compliments tothe captainto represent to him the distress of the ladiesand to desire thefavor of his long-boat to conduct us to Doverat about seven miles' distance;and at the same time presumed to make use of a great lady's namethe wife ofthe first lord commissioner of the admiraltywho wouldI told himbe pleasedwith any kindness shown by him towards us in our miserable condition. And this Iam convinced was truefrom the humanity of the ladythough she was entirelyunknown to me.

The captain returned a verbal answer to a long letteracquainting me that what I desired could not be complied withit being a favornot in his power to grant. This might beand I suppose

 

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wastrue; but it is as true thatif he was able to writeand had peninkand paper on boardhe might have sent a written answerand that it was thepart of a gentleman so to have done; but this is a character seldom maintainedon the watery elementespecially by those who exercise any power on it. Everycommander of a vessel here seems to think himself entirely free from all thoserules of decency and civility which direct and restrain the conduct of themembers of a society on shore; and eachclaiming absolute dominion in hislittle wooden worldrules by his own laws and his own discretion. I do notindeedknow so pregnant an instance of the dangerous consequences of absolutepowerand its aptness to intoxicate the mindas that of those petty tyrantswho become such in a momentfrom very well-disposed and social members of thatcommunion in which they affect no superioritybut live in an orderly state oflegal subjection with their fellow-citizens.

SaturdayJuly 6. -- This morningour commanderdeclaring he was sure the wind would changetook the advantageof an ebbing tideand weighed his anchor. His assurancehoweverhad the samecompletionand his endeavors the same successwith his formal trial; and hewas soon obliged to return once more to his old quarters. Just before we let goour anchora small slooprather than submit to yield us an inch of wayranfoul of our shipand carried off her bowsprit. This obstinate frolic would havecost those aboard the sloop very dearif our steersman had not been

 

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too generous to exert his superioritythe certain consequence of which wouldhave been the immediate sinking of the other. This contention of the inferiorwith a might capable of crushing it in an instant may seem to argue no smallshare of folly or madnessas well as of impudence; but I am convinced there isvery little danger in it: contempt is a port to which the pride of man submitsto fly with reluctancebut those who are within it are always in a place of themost assured security; for whosoever throws away his sword prefersindeedaless honorable but much safer means of avoiding danger than he who defendshimself with it. And here we shall offer another distinctionof the truth ofwhich much reading and experience have well convinced usthat as in the mostabsolute governments there is a regular progression of slavery downwardsfromthe top to the bottomthe mischief of which is seldom felt with any great forceand bitterness but by the next immediate degree; so in the most dissolute andanarchical states there is as regular an ascent of what is called rank orconditionwhich is always laying hold of the head of him who is advanced butone step higher on the ladderwho mightif he did not too much despise sucheffortskick his pursuer headlong to the bottom. We will conclude thisdigression with one general and short observationwhich willperhapsset thewhole matter in a clearer light than the longest and most labored harangue.Whereas envy of all things most exposes us to danger from othersso contempt ofall things best secures us from them.

 

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And thuswhile the dung-cart and the sloop are always meditating mischiefagainst the coach and the shipand throwing themselves designedly in their waythe latter consider only their own securityand are not ashamed to break theroad and let the other pass by them.

MondayJuly 8. -- Having passed ourSunday without anything remarkableunless the catching a great number ofwhitings in the afternoon may be thought sowe now set sail on Monday at six o'clockwith a little variation of wind; but this was so very littleand thebreeze itself so smallbut the tide was our best and indeed almost our onlyfriend. This conducted us along the short remainder of the Kentish shore. Herewe passed that cliff of Dover which makes so tremendous a figure in Shakespeareand which whoever reads without being giddymustaccording to Mr. Addison'sobservationhave either a very good head or a very badone; but whichwhoevercontracts any such ideas from the sight ofmust have at least a poetic if not aShakesperian genius. In truthmountainsriversheroesand gods owe greatpart of their existence to the poets; and Greece and Italy do so plentifullyabound in the formerbecause they furnish so glorious a number of the latter;whowhile they bestowed immortality on every little hillock and blind streamleft the noblest rivers and mountains in the world to share the same obscuritywith the eastern and western poetsin which they are celebrated.

This evening we beat the sea of Sussex in sight of Dungenesswith much more pleasure than

 

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progress; for the weather was almost a perfect calmand the moonwhich wasalmost at the fullscarce suffered a single cloud to veil her from our sight.

TuesdayWednesdayJuly 910. --These two days we had much the same fine weatherand made much the same way;but in the evening of the latter day a pretty fresh gale sprung up at N.N.W.which brought us by the morning in sight of the Isle of Wight.

ThursdayJuly 11. -- This galecontinued till towards noon; when the east end of the island bore but littleahead of us. The captain swaggered and declared he would keep the sea; but thewind got the better of himso that about three he gave up the victoryandmaking a sudden tack stood in for the shorepassed by Spithead and Portsmouthand came to an anchor at a place called Ryde on the island.

A most tragical incident fell out this day at sea. While theship was under sailbut making as will appear no great waya kittenone offour of the feline inhabitants of the cabinfell from the window into thewater: an alarm was immediately given to the captainwho was then upon deckand received it with the utmost concern and many bitter oaths. He immediatelygave orders to the steersman in favor of the poor thingas he called it; thesails were instantly slackenedand all handsas the phrase isemployed torecover the poor animal. I wasI ownextremely surprised at all this; lessindeed at the captain's extreme tenderness than at his conceiving anypossibility

 

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of success; for if puss had had nine thousand instead of nine livesI concludedthey had been all lost. The boatswainhoweverhad more sanguine hopesforhaving stripped himself of his jacketbreechesand shirthe leaped boldlyinto the waterand to my great astonishment in a few minutes returned to theshipbearing the motionless animal in his mouth. Nor was thisI observedamatter of such great difficulty as it appeared to my ignoranceand possibly mayseem to that of my fresh-water reader. The kitten was now exposed to air and sunon the deckwhere its lifeof which it retained no symptomswas despaired ofby all.

The captain's humanityif I may so call itdid not sototally destroy his philosophy as to make him yield himself up to affliction onthis melancholy occasion. Having felt his loss like a manhe resolved to showhe could bear it like one; andhaving declared he had rather have lost a caskof rum or brandybetook himself to threshing at backgammon with the Portuguesefriarin which innocent amusement they had passed about two-thirds of theirtime.

But as I haveperhapsa little too wantonly endeavored toraise the tender passions of my readers in this narrativeI should think myselfunpardonable if I concluded it without giving them the satisfaction of hearingthat the kitten at last recoveredto the great joy of the good captainbut tothe great disappointment of some of the sailorswho asserted that the drowninga cat was the very surest way of raising a favorable wind; a

 

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supposition of whichthough we have heard several plausible accountswe willnot presume to assign the true original reason.

FridayJuly 12. -- This day ourladies went ashore at Rydeand drank their afternoon tea at an ale-house therewith great satisfaction: here they were regaled with fresh creamto which theyhad been strangers since they left the Downs.

SaturdayJuly 13. -- The windseeming likely to continue in the same corner where it had been almostconstantly for two months togetherI was persuaded by my wife to go ashore andstay at Ryde till we sailed. I approved the motion much; for though I am a greatlover of the seaI now fancied there was more pleasure in breathing the freshair of the land; but how to get thither was the question; forbeing really thatdead luggage which I considered all passengers to be in the beginning of thisnarrativeand incapable of any bodily motion without external impulseit wasin vain to leave the shipor to determine to do itwithout the assistance ofothers. In one instanceperhapsthe livingluggage is more difficult to bemoved or removed than an equal or much superior weight of dead matter; whichifof the brittle kindmay indeed be liable to be broken through negligence; butthisby proper caremay be almost certainly prevented; whereas the fracturesto which the living lumps are exposed are sometimes by no caution avoidableandoften by no art to be amended.

I was deliberating on the means of conveyancenot so much outof the ship to the boat as out of

 

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a little tottering boat to the land; a matter whichas I had alreadyexperienced in the Thameswas not extremely easywhen to be performed by anyother limbs than your own. Whilst I weighed all that could suggest itself onthis headwithout strictly examining the merit of the several schemes whichwere advanced by the captain and sailorsandindeedgiving no very deepattention even to my wifewhoas well as her friend and my daughterwereexerting their tender concern for my ease and safetyFortunefor I amconvinced she had a hand in itsent me a present of a buck; a present welcomeenough of itselfbut more welcome on account of the vessel in which it camebeing a large hoywhich in some places would pass for a shipand many peoplewould go some miles to see the sight. I was pretty easily conveyed on board thishoy; but to get from hence to the shore was not so easy a task; forhoweverstrange it may appearthe water itself did not extend so far; an instance whichseems to explain those lines of Ovid

Omnia pontus erantdeerant quoque littora ponto

in a less tautological sense than hath generally been imputedto them.

In factbetween the sea and the shore there wasat lowwateran impassable gulfif I may so call itof deep mudwhich could neitherbe traversed by walking nor swimming; so that for near one half of thetwenty-four hours Ryde was inaccessible by friend or foe. But as the magistratesof this place seemed more to desire the

 

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company of the former than to fear that of the latterthey had begun to make asmall causeway to the low-water markso that foot passengers might landwhenever they pleased; but as this work was of a public kindand would havecost a large sum of moneyat least ten poundsand the magistratesthat is tosaythe churchwardensthe overseersconstableand tithingmanand theprincipal inhabitantshad every one of them some separate scheme of privateinterest to advance at the expense of the publicthey fell out amongthemselves; andafter having thrown away one half of the requisite sumresolved at least to save the other halfand rather be contented to sit downlosers themselves than to enjoy any benefit which might bring in a greaterprofit to another. Thus that unanimity which is so necessary in all publicaffairs became wantingand every manfrom the fear of being a bubble toanotherwasin realitya bubble to himself.

Howeveras there is scarce any difficulty to which thestrength of menassisted with the cunning of artis not equalI was at lasthoisted into a small boatand being rowed pretty near the shorewas taken upby two sailorswho waded with me through the mudand placed me in a chair onthe landwhence they afterwards conveyed me a quarter of a mile fartherandbrought me to a house which seemed to bid the fairest for hospitality of any inRyde.

We brought with us our provisions from the shipso that wewanted nothing but a fire to dress our dinnerand a room in which we might eatit.

 

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In neither of these had we any reason to apprehend a disappointmentour dinnerconsisting only of beans and bacon; and the worst apartment in his majesty'sdominionseither at home or abroadbeing fully sufficient to answer ourpresent ideas of delicacy.

Unluckilyhoweverwe were disappointed in both; for when wearrived about four at our innexulting in the hopes of immediately seeing ourbeans smoking on the tablewe had the mortification of seeing them on the tableindeedbut without that circumstance which would have made the sight agreeablebeing in the same state in which we had dispatched them from our ship.

In excuse for this delaythough we had exceededalmostpurposelythe time appointedand our provision had arrived three hours beforethe mistress of the house acquainted us that it was not for want of time todress them that they were not readybut for fear of their being cold orover-done before we should come; which she assured us was much worse thanwaiting a few minutes for our dinner; an observation so very justthat it isimpossible to find any objection in it; butindeedit was not altogether soproper at this timefor we had given the most absolute orders to have themready at fourand had been ourselvesnot without much care and difficultymost exactly punctual in keeping to the very minute of our appointment. Buttradesmeninn-keepersand servantsnever care to indulge us in matterscontrary to our true interestwhich they always know better than ourselves; norcan any bribes corrupt

 

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them to go out of their way while they are consulting our good in our owndespite.

Our disappointment in the other particularin defiance of ourhumilityas it was more extraordinarywas more provoking. In shortMrs.Francis (for that was the name of the good woman of the house) no soonerreceived the news of our intended arrival than she considered more the gentilitythan the humanity of her guestsand applied herself not to that which kindlesbut to that which extinguishes fireandforgetting to put on her potfell towashing her house.

As the messenger who had brought my venison was impatient tobe dispatchedI ordered it to be brought and laid on the table in the roomwhere I was seated; and the table not being large enoughone sideand that avery bloody onewas laid on the brick floor. I then ordered Mrs. Francis to becalled inin order to give her instructions concerning it; in particularwhatI would have roasted and what baked; concluding that she would be highly pleasedwith the prospect of so much money being spent in her house as she might havenow reason to expectif the wind continued only a few days longer to blow fromthe same points whence it had blown for several weeks past.

I soon saw good causeI must confessto despise my ownsagacity. Mrs. Francishaving received her orderswithout making any answersnatched the side from the floorwhich remained stained with bloodandbidding a servant to take up that on the tableleft the room with no pleasant

 

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countenancemuttering to herself that``had she known the litter which was tohave been madeshe would not have taken such pains to wash her house thatmorning. If this was gentilitymuch good may it do such gentlefolks; for herpart she had no notion of it.''

From these murmurs I received two hints. The onethat it wasnot from a mistake of our inclination that the good woman had starved usbutfrom wisely consulting her own dignityor rather perhaps her vanityto whichour hunger was offered up as a sacrifice. The otherthat I was now sitting in adamp rooma circumstancethough it had hitherto escaped my notice from thecolor of the brickswhich was by no means to be neglected in a valetudinarystate.

My wifewhobesides discharging excellently well her own andall the tender offices becoming the female character; whobesides being afaithful friendan amiable companionand a tender nursecould likewise supplythe wants of a decrepit husbandand occasionally perform his parthadbeforethisdiscovered the immoderate attention to neatness in Mrs. Francisandprovided against its ill consequences. She had foundthough not under the sameroofa very snug apartment belonging to Mr. Francisand which had escaped themop by his wife's being satisfied it could not possibly be visited bygentle-folks.

This was a drywarmoaken-floored barnlined on both sideswith wheaten strawand opening at one end into a green field and a beautifulprospect.

 

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Herewithout hesitationshe ordered the cloth to be laidand came hastily tosnatch me from worse perils by water than the common dangers of the sea.

Mrs. Franciswho could not trust her own earsor could notbelieve a footman in so extraordinary a phenomenonfollowed my wifeand askedher if she had indeed ordered the cloth to be laid in the barn? She answered inthe affirmative; upon which Mrs. Francis declared she would not dispute herpleasurebut it was the first time she believed that quality had ever preferreda barn to a house. She showed at the same time the most pregnant marks ofcontemptand again lamented the labor she had undergonethrough her ignoranceof the absurd taste of her guests.

At length we were seated in one of the most pleasant spots Ibelieve in the kingdomand were regaled with our beans and baconin whichthere was nothing deficient but the quantity. This defect was however sodeplorable that we had consumed our whole dish before we had visibly lessenedour hunger. We now waited with impatience the arrival of our second coursewhich necessityand not luxuryhad dictated. This was a joint of mutton whichMrs. Francis had been ordered to provide; but whenbeing tired withexpectationwe ordered our servants to see for something elsewe wereinformed that there was nothing else; on which Mrs. Francisbeing summoneddeclared there was no such thing as mutton to be had at Ryde. When I expressedsome astonishment at their having no butcher in

 

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a village so situatedshe answered they had a very good oneand one thatkilled all sorts of meat in seasonbeef two or three times a yearand muttonthe whole year round; but thatit being then beans and peas timehe killed nomeatby reason he was not sure of selling it. This she had not thought worthyof communicationany more than that there lived a fisherman at next doorwhowas then provided with plenty of solesand whitingsand lobstersfar superiorto those which adorn a city feast. This discovery being made by accidentwecompleted the bestthe pleasantestand the merriest mealwith more appetitemore real solid luxuryand more festivitythan was ever seen in anentertainment at White's.

It may be wondered atperhapsthat Mrs. Francis should be sonegligent of providing for her guestsas she may seem to be thus inattentive toher own interest; but this was not the case; forhaving clapped a poll-tax onour heads at our arrivaland determined at what price to discharge our bodiesfrom her housethe less she suffered any other to share in the levy the clearerit came into her own pocket; and that it was better to get twelve pence in ashilling than ten pencewhich latter would be the case if she afforded us fishat any rate.

Thus we passed a most agreeable day owing to good appetitesand good humor; two hearty feeders which will devour with satisfaction whateverfood you place before them; whereaswithout thesethe elegance of St. James'sthe charde

 

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the perigord-pieor the ortolanthe venisonthe turtleor the custardmaytitillate the throatbut will never convey happiness to the heart orcheerfulness to the countenance.

As the wind appeared still immovablemy wife proposed mylying on shore. I presently agreedthough in defiance of an act of parliamentby which persons wandering abroad and lodging in ale-houses are decreed to berogues and vagabonds; and this too after having been very singularly officiousin putting that law in execution.

My wifehaving reconnoitered the housereported that therewas one room in which were two beds. It was concludedthereforethat she andHarriot should occupy one and myself take possession of the other. She addedlikewise an ingenious recommendation of this room to one who had so long been ina cabinwhich it exactly resembledas it was sunk down with age on one sideand was in the form of a ship with gunwales too.

For my own partI make little doubt but this apartment was anancient templebuilt with the materials of a wreckand probably dedicated toNeptune in honor of THE BLESSING sent by him to the inhabitants; such blessingshaving in all ages been very common to them. The timber employed in it confirmsthis opinionbeing such as is seldom used by ally but ship-builders. I do notfind indeed any mention of this matter in Hearn; but perhaps its antiquity wastoo modern to deserve his notice. Certain it is that this island of Wight wasnot an early convert to Christianity; naythere is some reason to doubt

 

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whether it was ever entirely converted. But I have only time to touch slightlyon things of this kindwhichluckily for uswe have a society whose peculiarprofession it is to discuss and develop.

SundayJuly 19. -- This morningearly I summoned Mrs. Francisin order to pay her the preceding day's account.As I could recollect only two or three articles I thought there was no necessityof pen and ink. In a single instance only we had exceeded what the law allowsgratis to a foot-soldier on his marchviz.vinegarsaltetc.and dressinghis meat. I foundhoweverI was mistaken in my calculation; for when the goodwoman attended with her bill it contained as follows: --

 

£

s.

d.

Bread and beer

0

2

4

Wind

0

2

0

Rum

0

2

0

Dressing dinner

0

3

0

Tea

0

1

6

Firing

0

1

0

Lodging

0

1

6

Servants' lodging

0

0

6

 

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

  
 

£0

13

10

Now that five people and two servants should live a day andnight at a public-house for so small a sum will appear incredible to any personin London above the degree of a chimney-sweeper; but more astonishing will itseem that these people should remain so long at such a house without tasting anyother delicacy than breadsmall

 

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beera teacupful of milk called creama glass of rum converted into punch bytheir own materialsand one bottle of windof which we only tasted asingle glass though possiblyindeedour servants drank the remainder of thebottle.

This wind is a liquor of English manufactureand itsflavor is thought very delicious by the generality of the Englishwho drink itin great quantities. Every seventh year is thought to produce as much as theother six. It is then drank so plentifully that the whole nation are in a mannerintoxicated by it; and consequently very little business is carried on at thatseason.

It resembles in color the red wine which is imported fromPortugalas it doth in its intoxicating quality; henceand from this agreementin the orthographythe one is often confounded with the otherthough both areseldom esteemed by the same person. It is to be had in every parish of thekingdomand a pretty large quantity is consumed in the metropoliswhereseveral taverns are set apart solely for the vendition of this liquorthemasters never dealing in any other.

The disagreement in our computation produced some smallremonstrance to Mrs. Francis on my side; but this received an immediate answer:``She scorned to overcharge gentlemen; her house had been always frequented bythe very best gentry of the island; and she had never had a bill found faultwith in her lifethough she had lived upwards of forty years in the houseandwithin that time the greatest gentry in Hampshire had been at it; and thatlawyer Willis never went to

 

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any other when he came to those parts. That for her part she did not get herlivelihood by travelerswho were gone and awayand she never expected to seethem morebut that her neighbors might come again; whereforeto be suretheyhad the only right to complain.''

She was proceeding thusand from her volubility of tongueseemed likely to stretch the discourse to an immoderate lengthwhen I suddenlycut all short by paying the bill.

This morning our ladies went to churchmoreI fearfromcuriosity than religion; they were attended by the captain in a most militaryattirewith his cockade in his hat and his sword by his side. So unusual anappearance in this little chapel drew the attention of all presentand probablydisconcerted the womenwho were in dishabilleand wished themselves dressedfor the sake of the curatewho was the greatest of their beholders.

While I was left alone I received a visit from Mr. Francishimselfwho was much more considerable as a farmer than as an inn-holder.Indeedhe left the latter entirely to the care of his wifeand he actedwiselyI believein so doing.

As nothing more remarkable passed on this day I will close itwith the account of these two charactersas far as a few days' residence couldinform me of them. If they should appear as new to the reader as they did to mehe will not be displeased at finding them here.

This amiable couple seemed to border hard on their grandclimacteric; nor indeed were they shy

 

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of owning enough to fix their ages within a year or two of that time. Theyappeared to be rather proud of having employed their time well than ashamed ofhaving lived so long; the only reason which I could ever assign why some fineladiesand fine gentlemen tooshould desire to be thought younger than theyreally are by the contemporaries of their grandchildren. Someindeedwho toohastily credit appearancesmight doubt whether they had made so good a use oftheir time as I would insinuatesince there was no appearance of anything butpovertywantand wretchednessabout their house; nor could they produceanything to a customer in exchange for his money but a few bottles of windand spirituous liquorsand some very bad aleto drink; with rusty bacon andworse cheese to eat. But then it should be consideredon the other sidethatwhatever they received was almost as entirely clear profit as the blessing of awreck itself; such an inn being the very reverse of a coffee-house; for here youcan neither sit for nothing nor have anything for your money.

Againas many marks of want abounded everywhereso were themarks of antiquity visible. Scarce anything was to be seen which had not somescar upon itmade by the hand of Time; not an utensilit was manifesthadbeen purchased within a dozen years last past; so that whatever money had comeinto the house during that period at least must have remained in itunless ithad been sent abroad for foodor other perishable commodities; but these weresupplied by a

 

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small portion of the fruits of the farmin which the farmer allowed he had avery good bargain. In factit is inconceivable what sums may be collected bystarving onlyand how easy it is for a man to die rich if he will but becontented to live miserable.

Nor is there in this kind of starving anything so terrible assome apprehend. It neither wastes a man's flesh nor robs him of hischeerfulness. The famous Cornaro's case well proves the contrary; and so didfarmer Franciswho was of a round staturehad a plumpround facewith a kindof smile on itand seemed to borrow an air of wretchedness rather from hiscoat's age than from his own.

The truth isthere is a certain diet which emaciates men morethan any possible degree of abstinence; though I do not remember to have seenany caution against iteither in CheneyArbuthnotor in any other modernwriter or regimen. Naythe very name is notI believein the learned Dr.James's Dictionary; all which is the more extraordinary as it is a very commonfood in this kingdomand the college themselves were not long since veryliberally entertained with it by the present attorney and other eminent lawyersin Lincoln's-inn-halland were all made horribly sick by it.

But though it should not be found among our English physicalwriterswe may be assured of meeting with it among the Greeks; for nothingconsiderable in nature escapes their noticethough many things considerable inthemit is to

 

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be fearedhave escaped the notice of their readers. The Greeksthento allsuch as feed too voraciously on this dietgive the name of HEAUTOFAGIwhichour physicians willI supposetranslate men that eat themselves.

As nothing is so destructive to the body as this kind of foodso nothing is so plentiful and cheap; but it was perhaps the only cheap thingthe farmer disliked. Probably living much on fish might produce this disgust;for Diodorus Siculus attributes the same aversion in a people of Ethiopia to thesame cause; he calls them the fish-eatersand asserts that they cannot bebrought to eat a single meal with the Heautofagi by any persuasionthreatorviolence whatevernot even though they should kill their children before theirfaces.

What hath puzzled our physiciansand prevented them fromsetting this matter in the clearest lightis possibly one simple mistakearising from a very excusable ignorance; that the passions of men are capable ofswallowing food as well as their appetites; that the formerin feedingresemble the state of those animals who chew the cud; and thereforesuch menin some sensemay be said to prey on themselvesand as it were to devour theirown entrails. And hence ensues a meager aspect and thin habit of bodyas surelyas from what is called a consumption.

Our farmer was one of these. He had no more passion than anIchthuofagus or Ethiopian fisher. He wished not for anythingthought not ofanything; indeedhe scarce did anything or

 

-261-



said anything. Here I cannot be understood strictly; for then I must describe anonentitywhereas I would rob him of nothing but that free agency which is thecause of all the corruption and of all the misery of human nature. No manindeedever did more than the farmerfor he was an absolute slave to labor allthe week; but in truthas my sagacious reader must have at first apprehendedwhen I said he resigned the care of the house to his wifeI meant more than Ithen expressedeven the house and all that belonged to it; for he was really afarmer only under the direction of his wife. In a wordso composedso sereneso placid a countenanceI never saw; and he satisfied himself by answering toevery question he was asked``I don't know anything about itsir; I leaves allthat to my wife.''

Nowas a couple of this kind wouldlike two vessels of oilhave made no composition in lifeand for want of all savor must have palledevery taste; nature or fortuneor both of themtook care to provide a properquantity of acid in the materials that formed the wifeand to render her aperfect helpmate for so tranquil a husband. She abounded in whatsoever he wasdefective; that is to sayin almost everything. She was indeed as vinegar tooilor a brisk wind to a standing-pooland preserved all from stagnation andcorruption.

Quin the playeron taking a nice and severe survey of afellow-comedianburst forth into this exclamation: -- ``If that fellow be not arogueGod Almighty doth not write a legible hand.''

 

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Whether he guessed right or no is not worth my while to examine; certain it isthat the latterhaving wrought his features into a proper harmony to become thecharacters of IagoShylockand others of the same castgave us a semblance oftruth to the observation that was sufficient to confirm the wit of it. Indeedwe may remarkin favor of the physiognomistthough the law has made him arogue and vagabondthat Nature is seldom curious in her works withinwithoutemploying some little pains on the outside; and this more particularly inmischievous charactersin forming whichas Mr. Derham observesin venomousinsectsas the sting or saw of a waspshe is sometimes wonderfullyindustrious. Nowwhen she hath thus completely armed our hero to carry on a warwith manshe never fails of furnishing that innocent lambkin with some means ofknowing his enemyand foreseeing his designs. Thus she hath been observed toact in the case of a rattlesnakewhich never meditates a human prey withoutgiving warning of his approach.

This observation willI am convincedhold most trueifapplied to the most venomous individuals of human insects. A tyrantatricksterand a bullygenerally wear the marks of their several dispositionsin their countenances; so do the vixenthe shrewthe scoldand all otherfemales of the like kind. Butperhapsnature hath never afforded a strongerexample of all this than in the case of Mrs. Francis. She was a shortsquatwoman; her head was closely joined to her shoulderswhere it was fixed somewhatawry; every

 

-263-



feature of her countenance was sharp and pointed; her face was furrowed with thesmallpox; and her complexionwhich seemed to be able to turn milk to curdsnota little resembled in color such milk as had already undergone that operation.She appearedindeedto have many symptoms of a deep jaundice in her look; butthe strength and firmness of her voice overbalanced them all; the tone of thiswas a sharp treble at a distancefor I seldom heard it on the same floorbutwas usually waked with it in the morningand entertained with it almostcontinually through the whole day.

Though vocal be usually put in opposition to instrumentalmusicI question whether this might not be thought to partake of the nature ofboth; for she played on two instrumentswhich she seemed to keep for no otheruse from morning till night; these were two maidsor rather scolding-stockswhoI supposeby some means or otherearned their boardand she gave themtheir lodging gratisor for no other service than to keep her lungs in constantexercise.

She differedas I have saidin every particular from herhusband; but very remarkably in thisthatas it was impossible to displeasehimso it was as impossible to please her; and as no art could remove a smilefrom his countenanceso could no art carry it into hers. If her bills wereremonstrated against she was offended with the tacit censure of herfair-dealing; if they were notshe seemed to regard it as a tacit sarcasm onher follywhich might have set down larger prices

 

-264-



with the same success. On this lather hint she did indeed improvefor she dailyraised some of her articles. A pennyworth of fire was to-day rated at ashillingto-morrow at eighteen-pence; and if she dressed us two dishes for twoshillings on the Saturdaywe paid half-a-crown for the cookery of one on theSunday; andwhenever she was paidshe never left the room without lamentingthe small amount of her billsaying``she knew not how it was that others gottheir money by gentle-folksbut for her part she had not the art of it.'' Whenshe was asked why she complainedwhen she was paid all she demandedsheanswered``she could not deny thatnor did she know she had omitted anything;but that it was but a poor bill for gentle-folks to pay.''

I accounted for all this by her having heardthat it is amaxim with the principal inn-holders on the continentto levy considerable sumson their guestswho travel with many horses and servantsthough such guestsshould eat little or nothing in their houses; the method beingI believeinsuch casesto lay a capitation on the horsesand not on their masters. But shedid not consider that in most of these inns a very great degree of hungerwithout any degree of delicacymay be satisfied; and that in all such innsthere is some appearanceat leastof provisionas well as of a man-cook todress itone of the hostlers being always furnished with a cook's capwaistcoatand apronready to attend gentlemen and ladies on their summons;that the case therefore of such inns differed from herswhere there was nothing

 

-265-



to eat or to drinkand in reality no house to inhabitno chair to sit uponnor any bed to lie in; that one third or fourth part therefore of the levyimposed at inns wasin trutha higher tax than the whole was when laid on inthe otherwherein order to raise a small suma man is obliged to submit topay as many various ways for the same thing as he doth to the government for thelight which enters through his own window into his own housefrom his ownestate; such are the articles of bread and beerfiringeating and dressingdinner.

The foregoing is a very imperfect sketch of this extraordinarycouple; for everything is here lowered instead of being heightened. Those whowould see them set forth in more lively colorsand with the proper ornamentsmay read the descriptions of the Furies in some of the classical poetsor ofthe Stoic philosophers in the works of Lucian.

MondayJuly 20. -- This day nothingremarkable passed; Mrs. Francis levied a tax of fourteen shillings for theSunday. We regaled ourselves at dinner with venison and good claret of our own;and in the afternoonthe womenattended by the captainwalked to see adelightful scene two miles distantwith the beauties of which they declaredthemselves most highly charmed at their returnas well as with the goodness ofthe lady of the mansionwho had slipped out of the way that my wife and theircompany might refresh themselves with the flowers and fruits with which hergarden abounded.

 

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TuesdayJuly 21. -- This dayhaving paid our taxes of yesterdaywe were permitted to regale ourselves withmore venison. Some of this we would willingly have exchanged for mutton; but nosuch flesh was to be had nearer than Portsmouthfrom whence it would have costmore to convey a joint to us than the freight of a Portugal ham from Lisbon toLondon amounts to; for though the water-carriage be somewhat cheaper here thanat Dealyet can you find no waterman who will go on board his boatunless bytwo or three hours' rowing he can get drunk for the residue of the week.

And here I have an opportunitywhich possibly may not offeragainof publishing some observations on that political economy of this nationwhichas it concerns only the regulation of the mobis below the notice of ourgreat men; though on the due regulation of this order depend many emolumentswhich the great men themselvesor at least many who tread close on their heelsmay enjoyas well as some dangers which may some time or other arise fromintroducing a pure state of anarchy among them. I will represent the caseas itappears to mevery fairly and impartially between the mob and their betters.

The whole mischief which infects this part of our economyarises from the vague and uncertain use of a word called libertyof whichasscarce any two men with whom I have ever conversed seem to have one and the sameideaI am inclined to doubt whether there be any simple universal notionrepresented by this wordor whether it

 

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conveys any clearer or more determinate idea than some of those old Puniccompositions of syllables preserved in one of the comedies of Plautusbut atpresentas I conceivenot supposed to be understood by any one.

By libertyhoweverI apprehendis commonly understood thepower of doing what we please; not absolutelyfor then it would be inconsistentwith lawby whose control the liberty of the freest peopleexcept only theHottentots and wild Indiansmust always be restrained.

Butindeedhowever largely we extendor however moderatelywe confinethe sense of the wordno politician willI presumecontend thatit is to pervade in an equal degreeand bewith the same extentenjoyed byevery member of society; no such polity having been ever foundunless amongthose vile people just before commemorated. Among the Greeks and Romans theservile and free conditions were opposed to each other; and no man who had themisfortune to be enrolled under the former could lay any claim to liberty tillthe right was conveyed to him by that master whose slave he waseither by themeans of conquestof purchaseor of birth.

This was the state of all the free nations in the world; andthistill very latelywas understood to be the case of our own.

I will not indeed say this is the case at presentthe lowestclass of our people having shaken off all the shackles of their superiorsandbecome not only as freebut even freerthan most of their superiors. I believeit cannot be doubtedthough

 

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perhaps we have no recent instance of itthat the personal attendance of everyman who hath three hundred pounds per annumin parliamentis indispensably hisduty; and thatif the citizens and burgesses of any city or borough shallchoose such a onehowever reluctant he appearhe may be obliged to attendandbe forcibly brought to his duty by the sergeant-at-arms.

Againthere are numbers of subordinate officessome of whichare of burdenand others of expensein the civil government -- all of whichpersons who are qualified are liable to have imposed on themmay be obliged toundertake and properly executenotwithstanding any bodily laboror evendangerto which they may subject themselvesunder the penalty of fines andimprisonment; nayand what may appear somewhat hardmay be compelled tosatisfy the losses which are eventually incidentto that of sheriff inparticularout of their own private fortunes; and though this should prove theruin of a familyyet the publicto whom the price is dueincurs no debt orobligation to preserve its officer harmlesslet his innocence appear ever soclearly.

I purposely omit the mention of those military or militaryduties which our old constitution laid upon its greatest members. These mightindeedsupply their posts with some other able-bodied men; but if no such couldhave been foundthe obligation nevertheless remainedand they were compellableto serve in their own proper persons.

The only onethereforewho is possessed of absolute libertyis the lowest member of the society

 

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whoif he prefers hungeror the wild product of the fieldshedgeslanesandriverswith the indulgence of ease and lazinessto a food a little moredelicatebut purchased at the expense of labormay lay himself under a shade;nor can be forced to take the other alternative from that which he hathI willnot affirm whether wisely or foolishlychosen.

Here I mayperhapsbe reminded of the last Vagrant Actwhere all such persons are compellable to work for the usual and accustomedwages allowed in the place; but this is a clause little known to the justices ofthe peaceand least likely to be executed by those who do know itas they knowlikewise that it is formed on the ancient power of the justices to fix andsettle these wages every yearmaking proper allowances for the scarcity andplenty of the timesthe cheapness and dearness of the place; and that theusual and accustomed wages are words without any force or meaningwhenthere are no such; but every man spunges and raps whatever he can get; and willhaggle as long and struggle as hard to cheat his employer of twopence in a day'slabor as an honest tradesman will to cheat his customers of the same sum in ayard of cloth or silk.

It is a great pity then that this poweror rather thispracticewas not revived; butthis having been so long omitted that it isbecome obsoletewill be best done by a new lawin which this poweras well asthe consequent power of forcing the poor to labor at a moderate and reasonblerateshould be well considered and their execution

 

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facilitated; for gentlemen who give their time and labor gratisand evenvoluntarilyto the publichave a right to expect that all their business bemade as easy as possible; and to enact laws without doing this is to fill ourstatute-booksmuch too full alreadystill fuller with dead letterof no usebut to the printer of the acts of parliament.

That the evil which I have here pointed at is of itself worthredressingisI apprehendno subject of dispute; for why should any personsin distress be deprived of the assistance of their fellow-subjectswhen theyare willing amply to reward them for their labor? orwhy should the lowest ofthe people be permitted to exact ten times the value of their work? For thoseexactions increase with the degrees of necessity in their objectinsomuch thaton the former side many are horribly imposed uponand that often in no triflingmatters. I was very well assured that at Deal no less than ten guineas wasrequiredand paid by the supercargo of an Indiamanfor carrying him on boardtwo miles from the shore when she was just ready to sail; so that his necessityas his pillager well understoodwas absolute. Againmany otherswhoseindignation will not submit to such plunderare forced to refuse theassistancethough they are often great sufferers by so doing. On the lattersidethe lowest of the people are encouraged in laziness and idleness; whilethey live by a twentieth part of the labor that ought to maintain themwhich isdiametrically opposite to the interest of the public; for that requires a great

 

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deal to be donenot to be paidfor a little. And moreoverthey are confirmedin habits of exactionand are taught to consider the distresses of theirsuperiors as their own fair emolument.

But enough of this matterof which I at first intended onlyto convey a hint to those who are alone capable of applying the remedythoughthey are the last to whom the notice of those evils would occurwithout somesuch monitor as myselfwho am forced to travel about the world in the form of apassenger. I cannot but say I heartily wish our governors would attentivelyconsider this method of fixing the price of laborand by that means ofcompelling the poor to worksince the due execution of such powers willIapprehendbe found the true and only means of making them usefuland ofadvancing trade from its present visibly declining state to the height to whichSir William Pettyin his Political Arithmeticthinks it capable of beingcarried.

In the afternoon the lady of the above-mentioned mansioncalled at our innand left her compliments to us with Mrs. Franciswith anassurance that while we continued wind-bound in that placewhere she feared wecould be but indifferently accommodatedwe were extremely welcome to the use ofanything which her garden or her house afforded. So polite a message convincedusin spite of some arguments to the contrarythat we were not on the coast ofAfricaor on some island where the few savage inhabitants have little of humanin them besides their form.

And here I mean nothing less than to derogate

 

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from the merit of this ladywho is not only extremely polite in her behavior tostrangers of her own rankbut so extremely good and charitable to all her poorneighbors who stand in need of her assistancethat she hath the universal loveand praises of all who live near her. Butin realityhow little doth theacquisition of so valuable a characterand the full indulgence of so worthy adispositioncost those who possess it! Both are accomplished by the very offalswhich fall from a table moderately plentiful. That they are enjoyed therefore byso few arises truly from there being so few who have any such disposition togratifyor who aim at any such character.

WednesdayJuly 22. -- This morningafter having been mulcted as usualwe dispatched a servant with properacknowledgments of the lady's goodness; but confined our wants entirely to theproductions of her garden. He soon returnedin company with the gardenerbothrichly laden with almost every particular which a garden at this most fruitfulseason of the year produces.

While we were regaling ourselves with thesetowards the closeof our dinnerwe received orders from our commanderwho had dined that daywith some inferior officers on board a man-of-warto return instantly to theship; for that the wind was become favorable and he should weigh that evening.These orders were soon followed by the captain himselfwho was still in theutmost hurrythough the occasion of it had long since ceased; for the wind hadindeeda little shifted that afternoon

 

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but was before this very quietly set down in its old quarters.

This last was a lucky hit for me; foras the captaintowhose orders we resolved to pay no obedienceunless delivered by himselfdidnot return till past sixso much time seemed requisite to put up the furnitureof our bed-chamber or dining-roomfor almost every articleeven to some of thechairswere either our own or the captain's property; so much more in conveyingit as well as myselfas dead a luggage as anyto the shoreand thence to theshipthat the night threatened first to overtake us. A terrible circumstance tomein my decayed condition; especially as very heavy showers of rainattendedwith a high windcontinued to fall incessantly; the being carried through whichtwo miles in the darkin a wet and open boatseemed little less than certaindeath.

Howeveras my commander was absolutehis orders peremptoryand my obedience necessaryI resolved to avail myself of a philosophy whichhath been of notable use to me in the latter part of my lifeand which iscontained in this hemistich of Virgil: --

-- -- Superanda omnis fortuna ferendo est.

The meaning of whichif Virgil had anyI think I rightlyunderstoodand rightly applied.

As I was therefore to be entirely passive in my motionIresolved to abandon myself to the conduct of those who were to carry me into acart when it returned from unloading the goods.

 

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But before thisthe captainperceiving what had happened inthe cloudsand that the wind remained as much his enemy as evercame upstairsto me with a reprieve till the morning. This wasI ownvery agreeable newsand I little regretted the trouble of refurnishing my apartmentby sending backfor the goods.

Mrs. Francis was not well pleased with this. As she understoodthe reprieve to be only till the morningshe saw nothing but lodging to bepossibly addedout of which she was to deduct fire and candleand theremaindershe thoughtwould scarce pay her for her trouble. She exertedtherefore all the ill-humor of which she was mistressand did all she could tothwart and perplex everything during the whole evening.

ThursdayJuly 23. -- Early in themorning the captainwho had remained on shore all nightcame to visit usandto press us to make haste on board. ``I am resolved'' says he``not to lose amoment now the wind is coming about fair: for my own partI never was surer ofa wind in all my life.'' I use his very words; nor will I presume to interpretor comment upon them farther than by observing that they were spoke in theutmost hurry.

We promised to be ready as soon as breakfast was overbutthis was not so soon as was expected; forin removing our goods the eveningbeforethe tea-chest was unhappily lost.

Every place was immediately searchedand many where it wasimpossible for it to be; for this was a loss of much greater consequence than it

 

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may at first seem to many of my readers. Ladies and valetudinarians do noteasily dispense with the use of this sovereign cordial in a single instance; butto undertake a long voyagewithout any probability of being supplied with itthe whole waywas above the reach of patience. And yetdreadful as thiscalamity wasit seemed unavoidable. The whole town of Ryde could not supply asingle leaf; foras to what Mrs. Francis and the shop called by that nameitwas not of Chinese growth. It did not indeed in the least resemble teaeitherin smell or tasteor in any particularunless in being a leaf; for it was intruth no other than a tobacco of the mundungus species. And as for the hopes ofrelief in any other portthey were not to be depended uponfor the captain hadpositively declared he was sure of a windand would let go his anchor no moretill he arrived in the Tajo.

When a good deal of time had been spentmost of it indeedwasted on this occasiona thought occurred which every one wondered at its nothaving presented itself the first moment. This was to apply to the good ladywho could not fail of pitying and relieving such distress. A messenger wasimmediately despatched with an account of our misfortunetill whose return weemployed ourselves in preparatives for our departurethat we might have nothingto do but to swallow our breakfast when it arrived. The tea-chestthough of noless consequence to us than the military-chest to a generalwas given up aslostor rather as stolenfor though I would notfor the world

 

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mention any particular nameit is certain we had suspicionsand allI amafraidfell on the same person.

The man returned from the worthy lady with much expeditionand brought with him a canister of teadespatched with so true a generosityaswell as politenessthat if our voyage had been as long again we should haveincurred no danger of being brought to a short allowance in this most importantarticle. At the very same instant likewise arrived William the footman with ourown tea-chest. It had beenindeedleft in the hoywhen the other goods werere-landedas Williamwhen he first heard it was missinghad suspected; andwhencehad not the owner of the hoy been unluckily out of the wayhe hadretrieved it soon enough to have prevented our giving the lady an opportunity ofdisplaying some part of her goodness.

To search the hoy wasindeedtoo natural a suggestion tohave escaped any onenor did it escape being mentioned by many of us; but wewere dissuaded from it by my wife's maidwho perfectly well remembered she hadleft the chest in the bed-chamber; for that she had never given it out of herhand in her way to or from the hoy; but William perhaps knew the maid betterand best understood how far she was to be believed; for otherwise he wouldhardly of his own accordafter hearing her declarationhave hunted out thehoy-manwith much pains and difficulty.

Thus ended this scenewhich began with such

 

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appearance of distressand ended with becoming the subject of mirth andlaughter.

Nothing now remained but to pay our taxeswhich were indeedlaid with inconceivable severity. Lodging was raised sixpencefire in the sameproportionand even candleswhich had hitherto escapedwere charged with awantonness of impositionfrom the beginningand placed under the style ofoversight. We were raised a whole poundwhereas we had only burned tenin fivenightsand the pound consisted of twenty-four.

Lastlyan attempt was made which almost as far exceeds humancredulity to believe as it did human patience to submit to. This was to make uspay as much for existing an hour or two as for existing a whole day; anddressing dinner was introduced as an articlethough we left the house beforeeither pot or spit had approached the fire. Here I own my patience failed meand I became an example of the truth of the observation``That all tyranny andoppression may be carried too farand that a yoke may be made too intolerablefor the neck of the tamest slave.'' When I remonstratedwith some warmthagainst this grievanceMrs. Francis gave me a lookand left the room withoutmaking any answer. She returned in a minuterunning to me with peninkandpaperin her handand desired me to make my own bill; ``for she hoped'' shesaid ``I did not expect that her house was to be dirtiedand her goods spoiledand consumed for nothing.

 

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The whole is but thirteen shillings. Can gentlefolks lie a whole night at apublic-house for less? If they can I am sure it is time to give off being alandlady: but pay me what you please; I would have people know that I valuemoney as little as other folks. But I was always a foolas I says to myhusbandand never knows which side my bread is buttered of. And yetto besureyour honor shall be my warning not to be bit so again. Some folks knowsbetter than other some how to make their bills. Candles! why yesto be sure;why should not travelers pay for candles? I am sure I pays for my candlesandthe chandler pays the king's majesty for them; and if he did not I mustso asit comes to the same thing in the end. To be sure I am out of sixteens atpresentbut these burn as white and as clearthough not quite so large. Iexpects my chandler here soonor I would send to Portsmouthif your honor wasto stay any time longer. But when folks stays only for a windyou knows therecan be no dependence on such!'' Here she put on a little slyness of aspectandseemed willing to submit to interruption. I interrupted her accordingly bythrowing down half a guineaand declared I had no more English moneywhich wasindeed true; andas she could not immediately change the thirty-six shillingpiecesit put a final end to the dispute. Mrs. Francis soon left the roomandwe soon after left the house; nor would this good woman see us or wish us a goodvoyage.

I must nothoweverquit this placewhere we had been soill-treatedwithout doing it impartial

 

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justiceand recording what maywith the strictest truthbe said in its favor.

Firstthenas to its situationit isI thinkmostdelightfuland in the most pleasant spot in the whole island. It is true itwants the advantage of that beautiful river which leads from Newport to Cowes;but the prospect here extending to the seaand taking in PortsmouthSpitheadand St. Helen'swould be more than a recompense for the loss of the Thamesitselfeven in the most delightful part of Berkshire or Buckinghamshirethoughanother Denhamor another Popeshould unite in celebrating it. For my ownpartI confess myself so entirely fond of a sea prospectthat I think nothingon the land can equal it; and if it be set off with shippingI desire to borrowno ornament from the terra firma. A fleet of ships isin my opinionthenoblest object which the art of man hath ever produced; and far beyond the powerof those architects who deal in brickin stoneor in marble.

When the late Sir Robert Walpoleone of the best of men andof ministersused to equip us a yearly fleet at Spitheadhis enemies of tastemust have allowed that heat leasttreated the nation with a fine sight fortheir money. A much finerindeedthan the same expense in an encampment couldhave produced. For what indeed is the best idea which the prospect of a numberof huts can furnish to the mindbut of a number of men forming themselves intoa society before the art of building more substantial houses was known? Thisperhapswould be agreeable enough; but

 

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in truththere is a much worse idea ready to step in before itand that is ofa body of cut-throatsthe supports of tyrannythe invaders of the justliberties and properties of mankindthe plunderers of the industrioustheravishers of the chastethe murderers of the innocentandin a wordthedestroyers of the plentythe peaceand the safetyof their fellow-creatures.

And whatit may be saidare these men-of-war which seem sodelightful an object to our eyes? Are they not alike the support of tyranny andoppression of innocencecarrying with them desolation and ruin wherever theirmasters please to send them? This is indeed too true; and however the ship ofwar mayin its bulk and equipmentexceed the honest merchantmanI heartilywish there was no necessity for it; forthough I must own the superior beautyof the object on one sideI am more pleased with the superior excellence of theidea which I can raise in my mind on the otherwhile I reflect on the art andindustry of mankind engaged in the daily improvements of commerce to the mutualbenefit of all countriesand to the establishment and happiness of social life.

This pleasant village is situated on a gentle ascent from thewaterwhence it affords that charming prospect I have above described. Its soilis a gravelwhichassisted with its declivitypreserves it always so dry thatimmediately after the most violent rain a fine lady may walk without wetting hersilken shoes. The fertility of the place is apparent from its extraordinaryverdureand it is so shaded with large and flourishing elms

 

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that its narrow lanes are a natural grove or walkwhichin the regularity ofits plantationvies with the power of artand in its wanton exuberancy greatlyexceeds it.

In a field in the ascent of this hillabout a quarter of amile from the seastands a neat little chapel. It is very smallbut adequateto the number of inhabitants; for the parish doth not seem to contain abovethirty houses.

At about two miles distant from this parish lives that politeand good lady to whose kindness we were so much obliged. It is placed on a hillwhose bottom is washed by the seaand which from its eminence at topcommandsa view of great part of the island as well as it does that of the oppositeshore. This house was formerly built by one Boycewhofrom a blacksmith atGosportbecame possessedby great success in smugglingof forty thousandpound. With part of this he purchased an estate hereandby chance probablyfixed on this spot for building a large house. Perhaps the convenience ofcarrying on his businessto which it is so well adaptedmight dictate thesituation to him. We can hardlyat leastattribute it to the same taste withwhich he furnished his houseor at least his libraryby sending an order to abookseller in London to pack him up five hundred pounds' worth of his handsomestbooks. They tell here several almost incredible stories of the ignorancethefollyand the pridewhich this poor man and his wife discovered during theshort continuance of his prosperity; for he did not long escape the sharp eyes

 

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of the revenue solicitorsand wasby extents from the court of Exchequersoonreduced below his original state to that of confinement in the Fleet. All hiseffects were soldand among the rest his booksby an auction at Portsmouthfor a very small price; for the bookseller was now discovered to have beenperfectly a master of his tradeandrelying on Mr. Boyce's finding little timeto readhad sent him not only the most lasting wares of his shopbutduplicates of the sameunder different titles.

His estate and house were purchased by a gentleman of thesepartswhose widow now enjoys themand who hath improved themparticularly hergardenswith so elegant a tastethat the painter who would assist hisimagination in the composition of a most exquisite landscapeor the poet whowould describe an earthly paradisecould nowhere furnish themselves with aricher pattern.

We left this place about eleven in the morningand were againconveyedwith more sunshine than windaboard our ship.

Whence our captain had acquired his power of prophecywhen hepromised us and himself a prosperous windI will not determine; it issufficient to observe that he was a false prophetand that the weathercockscontinued to point as before.

He would nothoweverso easily give up his skill inprediction. He persevered in asserting that the wind was changedandhavingweighed his anchorfell down that afternoon to St. Helen's

 

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which was at about the distance of five miles; and whither his friend the tidein defiance of the windwhich was most manifestly against himsoftly waftedhim in as many hours.

Hereabout seven in the eveningbefore which time we couldnot procure itwe sat down to regale ourselves with some roasted venisonwhichwas much better dressed than we imagined it would beand an excellent coldpasty which my wife had made at Rydeand which we had reserved uncut to eat onboard our shipwhither we all cheerfully exulted in being returned from thepresence of Mrs. Franciswhoby the exact resemblance she bore to a furyseemed to have been with no great propriety settled in paradise.

FridayJuly 24. -- As we passed bySpithead on the preceding evening we saw the two regiments of soldiers who werejust returned from Gibraltar and Minorca; and this day a lieutenant belonging toone of themwho was the captain's nephewcame to pay a visit to his uncle. Hewas what is called by some a very pretty fellow; indeedmuch too pretty afellow at his years; for he was turned of thirty-fourthough his address andconversation would have become him more before he had reached twenty. In hisconversationit is truethere was something military enoughas it consistedchiefly of oathsand of the great actions and wise sayings of Jackand Willand Tom of our regimenta phrase eternally in his mouth; and he seemed toconclude that it conveyed to all the officers such a degree of public notorietyand importance that it entitled him like the head of a

 

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professionor a first ministerto be the subject of conversation among thosewho had not the least personal acquaintance with him. This did not much surprisemeas I have seen several examples of the same; but the defects in his addressespecially to the womenwere so great that they seemed absolutely inconsistentwith the behavior of a pretty fellowmuch less of one in a red coat; and yetbesides having been eleven years in the armyhe had hadas his uncle informedmean education in France. ThisI ownwould have appeared to have beenabsolutely thrown away had not his animal spiritswhich were likewise thrownaway upon him in great abundanceborne the visible stamp of the growth of thatcountry. The character to which he had an indisputable title was that of a merryfellow; so very merry was he that he laughed at everything he saidand alwaysbefore he spoke. Possiblyindeedhe often laughed at what he did not utterfor every speech begun with a laughthough it did not always end with a jest.There was no great analogy between the characters of the uncle and the nephewand yet they seemed entirely to agree in enjoying the honor which the red-coatdid to his family. This the uncle expressed with great pleasure in hiscountenanceand seemed desirous of showing all present the honor which he hadfor his nephewwhoon his sidewas at some pains to convince us of hisconcurring in this opinionand at the same time of displaying the contempt hehad for the partsas well as the occupation of his unclewhich he seemed tothink

 

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reflected some disgrace on himselfwho was a member of that profession whichmakes every man a gentleman. Not that I would be understood to insinuate thatthe nephew endeavored to shake off or disown his uncleor indeed to keep him atany distance. On the contraryhe treated him with the utmost familiarityoftencalling him Dickand dear Dickand old Dickand frequently beginning anoration with D -- n meDick.

All this condescension on the part of the young man wasreceived with suitable marks of complaisance and obligation by the old one;especially when it was attended with evidences of the same familiarity withgeneral officers and other persons of rank; one of whomin particularI knowto have the pride and insolence of the devil himselfand whowithout somestrong bias of interestis no more liable to converse familiarly with alieutenant than of being mistaken in his judgment of a fool; which was notperhapsso certainly the case of the worthy lieutenantwhoin declaring to usthe qualifications which recommended men to his countenance and conversationaswell as what effectually set a bar to all hopes of that honorexclaimed``Nosirby the d -- I hate all fools -- Nod -- n meexcuse me for that. That's alittle too muchold Dick. There are two or three officers of our regiment whomI know to be fools; but d -- n me if I am ever seen in their company. If a manhath a fool of a relationDickyou know he can't help thatold boy.''

Such jokes as these the old man not only tools in good partbut glibly gulped down the whole

 

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narrative of his nephew; nor did heI am convincedin the least doubt of ouras readily swallowing the same. This made him so charmed with the lieutenantthat it is probable we should have been pestered with him the whole eveninghadnot the north winddearer to our sea-captain even than this glory of hisfamilysprung suddenly upand called aloud to him to weigh his anchor.

While this ceremony was performingthe sea-captain orderedout his boat to row the land-captain to shore; not indeed on an uninhabitedislandbut one whichin this partlooked but little betternot presenting usthe view of a single house. Indeedour old friendwhen his boat returned onshoreperhaps being no longer able to stifle his envy of the superiority of hisnephewtold us with a smile that the young man had a good five mile to walkbefore he could be accommodated with a passage to Portsmouth.

It appeared now that the captain had been only mistaken in thedate of his predictionby placing the event a day earlier than it happened; forthe wind which now arose was not only favorable but briskand was no sooner inreach of our sails than it swept us away by the back of the Isle of Wightandhaving in the night carried us by Christchurch and Peveral-pointbrought us thenext noonSaturdayJuly 25oft the island of Portlandso famous forthe smallness and sweetness of its muttonof which a leg seldom weighs fourpounds. We would have bought a sheepbut our captain would not permit it;though he needed not have been in such a hurryfor presently the

 

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windI will not positively assert in resentment of his surlinessshowed him adog's trickand slyly slipped back again to his summer-house in the south-west.

The captain now grew outrageousanddeclaring open war withthe windtook a resolutionrather more bold than wiseof sailing in defianceof itand in its teeth. He swore he would let go his anchor no morebut wouldbeat the sea while he had either yard or sail left. He accordingly stood fromthe shoreand made so large a tack that before nightthough he seemed toadvance but little on his wayhe was got out of sight of land.

Towards evening the wind beganin the captain's own languageand indeed it freshened so muchthat before ten it blew a perfect hurricane.

The captain having gotas he supposedto a safe distancetacked again towards the English shore; and now the wind veered a point only inhis favorand continued to blow with such violencethat the ship ran aboveeight knots or miles an hour during this whole day and tempestuous night tillbed-time. I was obliged to betake myself once more to my solitudefor my womenwere again all down in their sea-sicknessand the captain was busy on deck; forhe began to grow uneasychieflyI believebecause he did not well know wherehe wasand wouldI am convincedhave been very glad to have been inPortland-roadeating some sheep's-head broth.

Having contracted no great degree of good-humor by living awhole day alonewithout a

 

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single soul to converse withI took but ill physic to purge it offby abed-conversation with the captainwhoamongst many bitter lamentations of hisfateand protesting he had more patience than a Jobfrequently intermixedsummons to the commanding officer on the deckwho now happened to be oneMorrisona carpenterthe only fellow that had either common sense or commoncivility in the ship. Of Morrison he inquired every quarter of an hourconcerning the state of affairs: the windthe care of the shipand othermatters of navigation. The frequency of these summonsas well as the solicitudewith which they were madesufficiently testified the state of the captain'smind; he endeavored to conceal itand would have given no small alarm to a manwho had either not learned what it is to dieor known what it is to bemiserable. And my dear wife and child must pardon meif what I did not conceiveto be any great evil to myself I was not much terrified with the thoughts ofhappening to them; in truthI have often thought they are both too good and toogentle to be trusted to the power of any man I knowto whom they could possiblybe so trusted.

Can I say then I had no fear? indeed I cannot. ReaderI wasafraid for theelest thou shouldst have been deprived of that pleasure thou artnow enjoying; and that I should not live to draw out on paper that militarycharacter which thou didst peruse in the journal of yesterday.

From all these fears we were relievedat six in the morningby the arrival of Mr. Morrisonwho

 

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acquainted us that he was sure he beheld land very near; for he could not seehalf a mileby reason of the haziness of the weather. This land he said washebelievedthe Berry-headwhich forms one side of Torbay: the captain declaredthat it was impossibleand sworeon condition he was righthe would give himhis mother for a maid. A forfeit which became afterwards strictly due andpayable; for the captainwhipping on his night-gownran up without hisbreechesand within half an hour returning into the cabinwished me joy of ourlying safe at anchor in the bay.

SundayJuly 26. -- Things now beganto put on an aspect very different from what they had lately worn; the news thatthe ship had almost lost its mizzenand that we had procured very fine cloutedcream and fresh bread and butter from the shorerestored health and spirits toour womenand we all sat down to a very cheerful breakfast.

Buthowever pleasant our stay promised to be herewe wereall desirous it should be short: I resolved immediately to despatch my man intothe country to purchase a present of ciderfor my friends of that which iscalled Southamas well as to take with me a hogshead of it to Lisbon; for itisin my opinionmuch more delicious than that which is the growth ofHerefordshire. I purchased three hogsheads for five pounds ten shillingsallwhich I should have scarce thought worth mentioninghad I not believed it mightbe of equal service to the honest farmer who sold it meand who is by theneighboring gentlemen reputed to

 

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deal in the very best; and to the readerwhofrom ignorance of the means ofproviding better for himselfswallows at a dearer rate the juice of Middlesexturnipinstead of that Vinum Pomonæ which Mr. Giles Leverance of Cheeshurstnear Dartmouth in Devonwillat the price of forty shillings per hogsheadsend in double casks to any part of the world. Had the wind been very sudden inshiftingI had lost my cider by an attempt of a boatman to exactaccording tocustom. He required five shillings for conveying my man a mile and a half to theshoreand four more if he stayed to bring him back. This I thought to be suchinsufferable impudence that I ordered him to be immediately chased from theshipwithout any answer. Indeedthere are few inconveniences that I would notrather encounter than encourage the insolent demands of these wretchesat theexpense of my own indignationof which I own they are not the only objectsbutrather those who purchase a paltry convenience by encouraging them. But of thisI have already spoken very largely. I shall concludethereforewith the leavewhich this fellow took of our ship; saying he should know it againand wouldnot put off from the shore to relieve it in any distress whatever.

It willdoubtlesssurprise many of my readers to hear thatwhen we lay at anchor within a mile or two of a town several days togetherandeven in the most temperate weatherwe should frequently want fresh provisionsand herbageand other emoluments of the shoreas much as if

 

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we had been a hundred leagues from land. And this too while numbers of boatswere in our sightwhose owners get their livelihood by rowing people up anddownand could be at any time summoned by a signal to our assistanceand whilethe captain had a little boat of his ownwith men always ready to row it at hiscommand.

Thishoweverhath been partly accounted for already by theimposing disposition of the peoplewho asked so much more than the proper priceof their labor. And as to the usefulness of the captain's boatit requires tobe a little expatiated uponas it will tend to lay open some of the grievanceswhich demand the utmost regard of our legislatureas they affect the mostvaluable part of the king's subjects -- those by whom the commerce of the nationis carried into execution.

Our captain thenwho was a very good and experienced seamanhaving been above thirty years the master of a vesselpart of which he hadservedso he phrased itas commander of a privateerand had dischargedhimself with great courage and conductand with as great successdiscoveredthe utmost aversion to the sending his boat ashore whenever we lay wind-bound inany of our harbors. This aversion did not arise from any fear of wearing out hisboat by using itbut wasin truththe result of experiencethat it waseasier to send his men on shore than to recall them. They acknowledged him to betheir master while they remained on shipboardbut did not allow his power toextend to the shoreswhere they had no sooner set their foot than every manbecame

 

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sui jurisand thought himself at full liberty to return when he pleased. Now itis not any delight that these fellows have in the fresh air or verdant fields onthe land. Every one of them would prefer his ship and his hammock to all thesweets of Arabia the Happy; butunluckily for themthere are in every seaportin England certain houses whose chief livelihood depends on providingentertainment for the gentlemen of the jacket. For this purpose they are alwayswell furnished with those cordial liquors which do immediately inspire the heartwith gladnessbanishing all careful thoughtsand indeed all othersfrom themindand opening the mouth with songs of cheerfulness and thanksgiving for themany wonderful blessings with which a seafaring life overflows.

For my own parthowever whimsical it may appearI confess Ihave thought the strange story of Circe in the Odyssey no other than aningenious allegoryin which Homer intended to convey to his countrymen the samekind of instruction which we intend to communicate to our own in thisdigression. As teaching the art of war to the Greeks was the plain design of theIliadso was teaching them the art of navigation the no less manifest intentionof the Odyssey. For the improvement of thistheir situation was mostexcellently adapted; and accordingly we find Thucydidesin the beginning of hishistoryconsiders the Greeks as a set of pirates or privateersplundering eachother by sea. This being probably the first institution of commerce before theArs Cauponaria

 

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was inventedand merchantsinstead of robbingbegan to cheat and outwit eachotherand by degrees changed the Metableticthe only kind of traffic allowedby Aristotle in his Politicsinto the Chrematistic.

By this allegory then I suppose Ulysses to have been thecaptain of a merchant-shipand Circe some good ale-wifewho made his crewdrunk with the spirituous liquors of those days. With this the transformationinto swineas well as all other incidents of the fablewill notably agree; andthus a key will be found out for unlocking the whole mysteryand forging atleast some meaning to a story whichat presentappears very strange andabsurd.

Hencemoreoverwill appear the very near resemblance betweenthe sea-faring men of all ages and nations; and here perhaps may be establishedthe truth and justice of that observationwhich will occur oftener than once inthis voyagethat all human flesh is not the same fleshbut that there is onekind of flesh of landmenand another of seamen.

Philosophersdivinesand otherswho have treated thegratification of human appetites with contempthaveamong other instancesinsisted very strongly on that satiety which is so apt to overtake them even inthe very act of enjoyment. And here they more particularly deserve ourattentionas most of them may be supposed to speak from their own experienceand very probably gave us their lessons with a full stomach. Thus hunger andthirstwhatever delight they may afford

 

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while we are eating and drinkingpass both away from us with the plate and thecup; and though we should imitate the Romansifindeedthey were such dullbeastswhich I can scarce believeto unload the belly like a dung-potinorder to fill it again with another loadyet would the pleasure be soconsiderably lessened that it would scarce repay us the trouble of purchasing itwith swallowing a basin of camomile tea. A second haunch of venisonor a seconddose of turtlewould hardly allure a city glutton with its smell. Even thecelebrated Jew himselfwhen well filled with calipash and calipeegoescontentedly home to tell his moneyand expects no more pleasure from his throatduring the next twenty-four hours. Hence I suppose Dr. South took that elegantcomparison of the joys of a speculative man to the solemn silence of anArchimedes over a problemand those of a glutton to the stillness of a sow ather wash. A simile whichif it became the pulpit at allcould only become itin the afternoon.

Whereas in those potations which the mind seems to enjoyrather than the bodily appetitethere is happily no such satiety; but the morea man drinksthe more he desires; as iflike Mark Anthony in Drydenhisappetite increased with feedingand this to such an immoderate degreeutnullus sit desiderio aut pudor aut modus. Henceas with the gang of CaptainUlyssesensues so total a transformationthat the man no more continues whathe was. Perhaps he ceases for a time to be at all; orthough he may retain

 

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the same outward form and figure he had beforeyet is his nobler partas weare taught to call itso changedthatinstead of being the same manhescarce remembers what he was a few hours before. And this transformationbeingonce obtainedis so easily preserved by the same potationswhich induced nosatietythat the captain in vain sends or goes in quest of his crew. They knowhim no longer; orif they dothey acknowledge not his powerhaving indeed asentirely forgotten themselves as if they had taken a large draught of the riverof Lethe.

Nor is the captain always sure of even finding out the placeto which Circe hath conveyed them. There are many of those houses in everyport-town. Naythere are some where the sorceress doth not trust only to herdrugs; but hath instruments of a different kind to execute her purposesbywhose means the tar is effectually secreted from the knowledge and pursuit ofhis captain. This wouldindeedbe very fatalwas it not for one circumstance;that the sailor is seldom provided with the proper bait for these harpies.Howeverthe contrary sometimes happensas these harpies will bite at almostanythingand will snap at a pair of silver buttonsor bucklesas surely as atthe specie itself. Naysometimes they are so voraciousthat the very nakedhook will go downand the jolly young sailor is sacrificed for his own sake.

In vainat such a season as thiswould the vows of a piousheathen have prevailed over NeptuneÆolusor any other marine deity. In vain

 

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would the prayers of a Christian captain be attended with the like success. Thewind may change how it pleases while all hands are on shore; the anchor wouldremain firm in the groundand the ship would continue in duranceunlesslikeother forcible prison-breakersit forcibly got loose for no good purpose.

Nowas the favor of winds and courtsand such likeisalways to be laid hold on at the very first motionfor within twenty-four hoursall may be changed again; soin the former casethe loss of a day may be theloss of a voyage: forthough it may appear to persons not well skilled innavigationwho see ships meet and sail by each otherthat the wind blowssometimes east and westnorth and southbackwards and forwardsat the sameinstant; yetcertain it is that the land is so contrivedthat even the samewind will notlike the same horsealways bring a man to the end of hisjourney; butthat the gale which the mariner prayed heartily for yesterdayhemay as heartily deprecate to-morrow; while all use and benefit which would havearisen to him from the westerly wind of to-morrow may be totally lost and thrownaway by neglecting the offer of the easterly blast which blows to-day.

Hence ensues grief and disreputation to the innocent captainloss and disappointment to the worthy merchantand not seldom great prejudiceto the trade of a nation whose manufactures are thus liable to lie unsold in aforeign warehouse the market being forestalled by some rival whose sailors areunder a better discipline. To guard

 

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against these inconveniences the prudent captain takes every precaution in hispower; he makes the strongest contracts with his crewand thereby binds them sofirmlythat none but the greatest or least of men can break through them withimpunity; but for one of these two reasonswhich I will not determinethesailorlike his brother fish the eelis too slippery to be heldand plungesinto his element with perfect impunity.

To speak a plain truththere is no trusting to any contractwith one whom the wise citizens of London call a bad man; forwith such a onethough your bond be ever so strongit will prove in the end good for nothing.

What then is to be done in this case? Whatindeedbut tocall in the assistance of that tremendous magistratethe justice of peacewhocanand often dothlay good and bad men in equal durance; andthough heseldom cares to stretch his bonds to what is greatnever finds anything toominute for their detentionbut will hold the smallest reptile alive so fast inhis noosethat he can never get out till he is let drop through it.

Whythereforeupon the breach of those contractsshould notan immediate application be made to the nearest magistrate of this orderwhoshould be empowered to convey the delinquent either to ship or to prisonat theelection of the captainto be fettered by the leg in either place?

Butas the case now standsthe condition of this poorcaptain without any commissionand of this absolute commander without anypoweris much worse than we have hitherto shown it to be; for

 

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notwithstanding all the aforesaid contracts to sail in the good ship the Elizabethif the sailor shouldfor better wagesfind it more his interest to go on boardthe better ship the Maryeither before their setting out or on theirspeedy meeting in some porthe may prefer the latter without any other dangerthan that of ``doing what he ought not to have done'' contrary to a rule whichhe is seldom Christian enough to have much at heartwhile the captain isgenerally too good a Christian to punish a man out of revenge onlywhen he isto be at a considerable expense for so doing. There are many other deficienciesin our laws relating to maritime affairsand which would probably have beenlong since correctedhad we any seamen in the House of Commons. Not that Iwould insinuate that the legislature wants a supply of many gentlemen in thesea-service; butas these gentlemen are by their attendance in the houseunfortunately prevented from ever going to seaand there learning what theymight communicate to their landed brethrenthese latter remain as ignorant inthat branch of knowledge as they would be if none but courtiers and fox-huntershad been elected into parliamentwithout a single fish among them. Thefollowing seems to me to be an effect of this kindand it strikes me thestronger as I remember the case to have happenedand remember it to have beendispunishable. A captain of a trading vesselof which he was part ownertookin a large freight of oats at Liverpoolconsigned to the market at Bearkey:this he carried to a port in Hampshireand there sold it as

 

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his ownandfreighting his vessel with wheat for the port of Cadizin Spaindropped it at Oporto in his way; and thereselling it for his own usetook ina lading of winewith which he sailed againandhaving converted it in thesame mannertogether with a large sum of money with which he was intrustedforthe benefit of certain merchantssold the ship and cargo in another portandthen wisely sat down contented with the fortune he had madeand returned toLondon to enjoy the remainder of his dayswith the fruits of his former laborsand a good conscience.

The sum he brought home with him consisted of near sixthousand poundsall in specieand most of it in that coin which Portugaldistributes so liberally over Europe.

He was not yet old enough to be past all sense of pleasurenor so puffed up with the pride of his good fortune as to overlook his oldacquaintances the journeymen tailorsfrom among whom he had been formerlypressed into the sea-serviceandhaving there laid the foundation of hisfuture success by his shares in prizeshad afterwards become captain of atrading vesselin which he purchased an interestand had soon begun to tradein the honorable manner above mentioned.

The captain now took up his residence at an ale-house inDrury-lanewherehaving all his money by him in a trunkhe spent about fivepounds a day among his old friends the gentlemen and ladies of those parts.

The merchant of Liverpoolhaving luckily had notice from afriend during the blaze of his fortune

 

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didby the assistance of a justice of peacewithout the assistance of the lawrecover his whole loss. The captainhoweverwisely chose to refund no more;butperceiving with what hasty strides Envy was pursuing his fortunehe tookspeedy means to retire out of her reachand to enjoy the rest of his wealth inan inglorious obscurity; nor could the same justice overtake him time enough toassist a second merchant as he had done the first.

This was a very extraordinary caseand the more so as theingenious gentleman had steered entirely clear of all crimes in our law.

Nowhow it comes about that a robbery so very easy to becommittedand to which there is such immediate temptation always before theeyes of these fellowsshould receive the encouragement of impunityis to beaccounted for only from the oversight of the legislatureas that oversight canonly beI thinkderived from the reasons I have assigned for it.

But I will dwell no longer on this subject. If what I havehere said should seem of sufficient consequence to engage the attention of anyman in powerand should thus be the means of applying any remedy to the mostinveterate evilsat leastI have obtained my whole desireand shall have lainso long wind-bound in the ports of this kingdom to some purpose. I wouldindeedhave this work -- whichif I should live to finish ita matter of nogreat certaintyif indeed of any great hope to mewill be probably the last Ishall

 

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ever undertake -- to produce some better end than the mere diversion of thereader.

Monday. -- This day our captain wentashoreto dine with a gentleman who lives in these partsand who so exactlyresembles the character given by Homer of Axylusthat the only difference I cantrace between them isthe oneliving by the highwayerected his hospitalitychiefly in favor of land-travelers; and the otherliving by the water-sidegratified his humanity by accommodating the wants of the mariner.

In the evening our commander received a visit from a brotherbashawwho lay wind-bound in the same harbor. This latter captain was a Swiss.He was then master of a vessel bound to Guineaand had formerly been aprivateeringwhen our own hero was employed in the same laudable service. Thehonesty and freedom of the Switzerhis vivacityin which he was in no respectinferior to his near neighbors the Frenchthe awkward and affected politenesswhich was likewise of French extractionmixed with the brutal roughness of theEnglish tar -- for he had served under the colors of this nation and his crewhad been of the same -- made such an odd varietysuch a hotch-potch ofcharacterthat I should have been much diverted with himhad not his voicewhich was as loud as a speaking-trumpetunfortunately made my head ache. Thenoise which he conveyed into the deaf ears of his brother captainwho sat onone side of himthe soft addresses with whichmixed with awkward bowshesaluted the ladies

 

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on the otherwere so agreeably contrastedthat a man must not only have beenvoid of all taste of humorand insensible of mirthbut duller than Cibber isrepresented in the Dunciadwho could be unentertained with him a little while;forI confesssuch entertainments should always be very shortas they arevery liable to pall. But he suffered not this to happen at present; forhavinggiven us his company a quarter of an hour onlyhe retiredafter many apologiesfor the shortness of his visit.

Tuesday. -- The wind being lessboisterous than it had hitherto been since our arrival hereseveralfishing-boatswhich the tempestuous weather yesterday had prevented fromworkingcame on board us with fish. This was so freshso good in kindand sovery cheapthat we supplied ourselves in great numbersamong which were verylarge soles at fourpence a pairand whitings of almost a preposterous size atninepence a score.

The only fish which bore any price was a john doréeas it iscalled. I bought one of at least four pounds weight for as many shillings. Itresembles a turbot in shapebut exceeds it in firmness and flavor. The pricehad the appearance of being considerable when opposed to the extraordinarycheapness of others of valuebut wasin truthso very reasonable whenestimated by its goodnessthat it left me under no other surprise than how thegentlemen of this countrynot greatly eminent for the delicacy of their tastehad discovered the preference of the dorée to all other fish: but I wasinformed that Mr. Quinwhose distinguishing

 

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tooth hath been so justly celebratedhad lately visited Plymouthand had donethose honors to the dorée which are so justly due to it from that sect ofmodern philosophers whowith Sir Epicure Mammonor Sir Epicure Quintheirheadseem more to delight in a fish-pond than in a gardenas the oldEpicureans are said to have done.

Unfortunately for the fishmongers of Londonthe doréeresides only in those seas; forcould any of this company but convey one to thetemple of luxury under the Piazzawhere Macklin the high-priest daily serves uphis rich offerings to that goddessgreat would be the reward of thatfishmongerin blessings poured down upon him from the goddessas great wouldhis merit be towards the high-priestwho could never be thought to overratesuch valuable incense.

And herehaving mentioned the extreme cheapness of fish inthe Devonshire seaand given some little hint of the extreme dearness withwhich this commodity is dispensed by those who deal in it in LondonI cannotpass on without throwing forth an observation or twowith the same view withwhich I have scattered my several remarks through this voyagesufficientlysatisfied in having finished my lifeas I have probably lost itin the serviceof my countryfrom the best of motivesthough it should be attended with theworst of success. Means are always in our power; ends are very seldom so.

Of all the animal foods with which man is furnishedthere arenone so plenty as fish. A little

 

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rivuletthat glides almost unperceived through a vast tract of rich landwillsupport more hundreds with the flesh of its inhabitants than the meadow willnourish individuals. But if this be true of riversit is much truer of thesea-shoreswhich abound with such immense variety of fish that the curiousfishermanafter he hath made his draughtoften culls only the daintiest partand leaves the rest of his prey to perish on the shore.

If this be true it would appearI thinkthat there isnothing which might be had in such abundanceand consequently so cheapasfishof which Nature seems to have provided such inexhaustible stores with somepeculiar design. In the production of terrestrial animals she proceeds with suchslownessthat in the larger kind a single female seldom produces more than onea-yearand this again requires threeforor five years more to bring it toperfection. And though the lesser quadrupedsthose of the wild kindparticularlywith the birdsdo multiply much fasteryet can none of thesebear any proportion with the aquatic animalsof whom every female matrix isfurnished with an annual offspring almost exceeding the power of numbersandwhichin many instances at leasta single year is capable of bringing to somedegree of maturity.

What then ought in general to be so plentifulwhat so cheapas fish? What then so properly the food of the poor? So in many places they areand so might they always be in great citieswhich are always situated near theseaor on the conflux of large rivers. How comes it thento look

 

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no farther abroad for instancesthat in our city of London the case is so farotherwise thatexcept that of spratsthere is not one poor palate in a hundredthat knows the taste of fish?

It is true indeed that this taste is generally of suchexcellent flavor that it exceeds the power of French cookery to treat thepalates of the rich with anything more exquisitely delicate; so that was fishthe common food of the poor it might put them too much upon an equality withtheir betters in the great article of eatingin whichat presentin theopinion of somethe great difference in happiness between man and man consists.But this argument I shall treat with the utmost disdain: for if ortolans were asbig as buzzardsand at the same time as plenty as sparrowsI should hold ityet reasonable to indulge the poor with the daintyand that for this causeespeciallythat the rich would soon find a sparrowif as scarce as an ortolanto be much the greateras it would certainly be the rarerdainty of the two.

Vanity or scarcity will be always the favorite of luxury; buthonest hunger will be satisfied with plenty. Not to search deeper into the causeof the evilI should think it abundantly sufficient to propose the remedies ofit. AndfirstI humbly submit the absolute necessity of immediately hangingall the fishmongers within the bills of mortality; andhowever it might havebeen some time ago the opinion of mild and temporizing men that the evilcomplained of might be removed by gentler methodsI suppose at this day thereare none who do not see the impossibility of using

 

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such with any effect. Cuncta prius tentanda might have been formerly urged withsome plausibilitybut cuncta prius tentata may now be replied: for surelyif afew monopolizing fishmongers could defeat that excellent scheme of theWestminster marketto the erecting which so many justices of peaceas well asother wise and learned mendid so vehemently apply themselvesthat they mightbe truly said not only to have laid the whole strength of their headsbut oftheir shoulders tooto the businessit would be a vain endeavor for any otherbody of men to attempt to remove so stubborn a nuisance.

If it should be doubted whether we can bring this case withinthe letter of any capital law now subsistingI am ashamed to own it cannot; forsurely no crime better deserves such punishment; but the remedy mayneverthelessbe immediate; and if a law was made at the beginning of nextsessionto take place immediatelyby which the starving thousands of poor wasdeclared to be felonywithout benefit of clergythe fishmongers would behanged before the end of the session.

A second method of filling the mouths of the poorif not withloaves at least with fishesis to desire the magistrates to carry intoexecution one at least out of near a hundred acts of parliamentfor preservingthe small fry of the river of Thamesby which means as few fish would satisfythousands as may now be devoured by a small number of individnals. But while afisherman can break through the strongest meshes of an act of parliamentwe maybe assured he will learn so

 

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to contrive his own meshes that the smallest fry will not be able to swimthrough them.

Other methods maywe doubt nothe suggested by those whoshall attentively consider the evil here hinted at; but we have dwelt too longon it alreadyand shall conclude with observing that it is difficult to affirmwhether the atrocity of the evil itselfthe facility of curing itor theshameful neglect of the curebe the more scandalous or more astonishing.

After havinghowevergloriously regaled myself with thisfoodI was washing it down with some good claret with my wife and her friendin the cabinwhen the captain 's valet-de-chambrehead cookhouse and shipstewardfootman in livery and out on'tsecretary and fore-mast manall burstinto the cabin at oncebeingindeedall but one personandwithout sayingby your leavebegan to pack half a hogshead of small beer in bottlesthenecessary consequence of which must have been either a total stop toconversation at that cheerful season when it is most agreeableor the admittingthat polyonymous officer aforesaid to the participation of it. I desired himtherefore to delay his purpose a little longerbut he refused to grant myrequest; nor was he prevailed on to quit the room till he was threatened withhaving one bottle to pack more than his numberwhich then happened to standempty within my reach.

With these menaces he retired at lastbut not withoutmuttering some menaces on his sideand whichto our great terrorhe failednot to put into immediate execution.

 

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Our captain was gone to dinner this day with his Swissbrother; andthough he was a very sober manwas a little elevated with somechampagnewhichas it cost the Swiss little or nothinghe dispensed at histable more liberally than our hospitable English noblemen put about thosebottleswhich the ingenious Peter Taylor teaches a led captain to avoid bydistinguishing by the name of that generous liquorwhich all humble companionsare taught to postpone to the flavor of methuenor honest port.

While our two captains were thus regaling themselvesandcelebrating their own heroic exploits with all the inspiration which the liquorat leastof wit could afford themthe polyonymous officer arrivedandbeingsaluted by the name of Honest Tomwas ordered to sit down and take his glassbefore he delivered his message; for every sailor is by turns his captain's mateover a cannexcept only that captain bashaw who presides in a man-of-warandwho upon earth has no other mateunless it be another of the same bashaws.

Tom had no sooner swallowed his draught than he hastily beganhis narrativeand faithfully related what had happened on board our ship; wesay faithfullythough from what happened it may be suspected that Tom chose toadd perhaps only five or six immaterial circumstancesas is always I believethe caseand may possibly have been done by me in relating this very storythough it happened not many hours ago.

No sooner was the captain informed of the interruption whichhad been given to his officerand

 

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indeed to his ordersfor he thought no time so convenient as that of hisabsence for causing any confusion in the cabinthan he leaped with such hastefrom his chair that he had like to have broke his swordwith which he alwaysbegirt himself when he walked out of his shipand sometimes when he walkedabout in it; at the same timegrasping eagerly that other implement called acockadewhich modern soldiers wear on their helmets with the same view as theancients did their crests -- to terrify the enemy he muttered somethingbut soinarticulately that the word damn was only intelligible; he then hastilytook leave of the Swiss captainwho was too well bred to press his stay on suchan occasionand leaped first from the ship to his boatand then from his boatto his own shipwith as much fierceness in his looks as he had ever expressedon boarding his defenseless prey in the honorable calling of a privateer.

Having regained the middle deckhe paused a moment while Tomand others loaded themselves with bottlesand then descending into the cabinexclaimed with a thundering voice``D -- n mewhy arn't the bottles stowed inaccording to my orders?''

I answered him very mildly that I had prevented his man fromdoing itas it was at an inconvenient time to meand as in his absenceatleastI esteemed the cabin to be my own. ``Your cabin!'' repeated he manytimes; ``nod -- n me! 'tis my cabin. Your cabin! d -- n me! I have brought myhogs to a fair market. I suppose indeed you think it your cabinand your shipby

 

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your commanding in it; but I will command in itd -- n me! I will show theworld I am the commanderand nobody but I! Did you think I sold you the commandof my ship for that pitiful thirty pounds? I wish I had not seen you nor yourthirty pounds aboard of her.'' He then repeated the words thirty pounds oftenwith great disdainand with a contempt which I own the sum did not seem todeserve in my eyeeither in itself or on the present occasion; beingindeedpaid for the freight of -- -- weight of human fleshwhich is above fifty percent dearer than the freight of any other luggagewhilst in reality it takes upless room; in factno room at all.

In truththe sum was paid for nothing more than for a libertyto six persons (two of them servants) to stay on board a ship while she sailsfrom one port to anotherevery shilling of which comes clear into the captain'spocket. Ignorant people may perhaps imagineespecially when they are told thatthe captain is obliged to sustain themthat their diet at least is worthsomethingwhich may probably be now and then so far the case as to deduct atenth part from the net profits on this account; but it was otherwise atpresent; for when I had contracted with the captain at a price which I by nomeans thought moderateI had some content in thinking I should have no more topay for my voyage; but I was whispered that it was expected the passengersshould find themselves in several things; such as teawineand such like; andparticularly that gentlemen should stow of the latter a much larger quantity

 

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than they could usein order to leave the remainder as a present to the captainat the end of the voyage; and it was expected likewise that gentlemen should putaboard some fresh storesand the more of such things were put aboard thewelcomer they would be to the captain.

I was prevailed with by these hints to follow the adviceproposed; and accordinglybesides tea and a large hamper of winewith severalhams and tonguesI caused a number of live chickens and sheep to be conveyedaboard; in truthtreble the quantity of provisions which would have supportedthe persons I took with mehad the voyage continued three weeksas it wassupposedwith a bare possibilityit might.

Indeed it continued much longer; but as this was occasioned byour being wind-bound in our own portsit was by no means of any ill consequenceto the captainas the additional stores of fishfresh meatbutterbread&c.which I constantly laid ingreatly exceeded the consumptionand wentsome way in maintaining the ship's crew. It is true I was not obliged to dothis; but it seemed to be expected; for the captain did not think himselfobliged to do itand I can truly say I soon ceased to expect it of him. He hadI confesson board a number of fowls and ducks sufficient for a West Indiavoyage; all of themas he often said``Very fine birdsand of the largestbreed.'' This I believe was really the factand I can add that they were allarrived at the full perfection of their size. Nor was thereI am convincedanywant of provisions of a more substantial kind;

 

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such as dried beefporkand fish; so that the captain seemed ready to performhis contractand amply to provide for his passengers. What I did then was notfrom necessitybutperhapsfrom a less excusable motiveand was by no meanschargeable to the account of the captain.

Butlet the motive have been what it wouldthe consequencewas still the same; and this was such that I am firmly persuaded the wholepitiful thirty pounds came pure and neat into the captain's pocketand not onlysobut attended with the value of ten pound more in sundries into the bargain.I must confess myself therefore at a loss how the epithet pitiful came tobe annexed to the above sum; fornot being a pitiful price for what it wasgivenI cannot conceive it to be pitiful in itself; nor do I believe it isthought by the greatest men in the kingdom; none of whom would scruple to searchfor it in the dirtiest kennelwhere they had only a reasonable hope of success.

Howthereforesuch a sum should acquire the idea of pitifulin the eyes of the master of a ship seems not easy to be accounted for; since itappears more likely to produce in him ideas of a different kind. Some menperhapsare no more sincere in the contempt for it which they express thanothers in their contempt of money in general; and I am the rather inclined tothis persuasionas I have seldom heard of either who have refused or refundedthis their despised object. Besidesit is sometimes impossible to believe theseprofessionsas every action of the man's life is a contradiction to it. Who canbelieve a tradesman

 

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who says he would not tell his name for the profit he gets by the selling such aparcel of goodswhen he hath told a thousand lies in order to get it?

Pitifulindeedis often applied to an object not absolutelybut comparatively with our expectationsor with a greater object: in whichsense it is not easy to set any bounds to the use of the word. Thusa handfulof halfpence daily appear pitiful to a porterand a handful of silver to adrawer. The latterI am convincedat a polite tavernwill not tell his name(for he will not give you any answer) under the price of gold. And in this sensethirty pound may be accounted pitiful by the lowest mechanic.

One difficulty only seems to occurand that is this: howcomes it thatif the profits of the meanest arts are so considerabletheprofessors of them are not richer than we generally see them? One answer to thisshall suffice. Men do not become rich by what they getbut by what they keep.He who is worth no more than his annual wages or salaryspends the whole; hewill be always a beggar let his income be what it willand so will be hisfamily when he dies. This we see daily to be the case of ecclesiasticswhoduring their livesare extremely well provided foronly because they desire tomaintain the honor of the cloth by living like gentlemenwhich wouldperhapsbe better maintained by living unlike them.

Butto return from so long a digressionto which the use ofso improper an epithet gave occasionand to which the novelty of the subjectalluredI will make the reader amends by concisely

 

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telling him that the captain poured forth such a torrent of abuse that I veryhastily and very foolishly resolved to quit the ship. I gave immediate orders tosummon a hoy to carry me that evening to Dartmouthwithout considering anyconsequence. Those orders I gave in no very low voiceso that those abovestairs might possibly conceive there was more than one master in the cabin. Inthe same tone I likewise threatened the captain with that whichhe afterwardssaidhe feared more than any rock or quicksand. Nor can we wonder at this whenwe are told he had been twice obliged to bring to and cast anchor there beforeand had neither time escaped without the loss of almost his whole cargo.

The most distant sound of law thus frightened a man who hadoftenI am convincedheard numbers of cannon roar round him with intrepidity.Nor did he sooner see the hoy approaching the vessel than he ran down again intothe cabinandhis rage being perfectly subsidedhe tumbled on his kneesanda little too abjectly implored for mercy.

I did not suffer a brave man and an old man to remain a momentin this posturebut I immediately forgave him.

And herethat I may not be thought the sly trumpeter of myown praisesI do utterly disclaim all praise on the occasion. Neither did thegreatness of my mind dictatenor the force of my Christianity exactthisforgiveness. To speak truthI forgave him from a motive which would make menmuch more forgiving if they were much

 

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wiser than they arebecause it was convenient for me so to do.

Wednesday. -- This morning thecaptain dressed himself in scarlet in order to pay a visit to a Devonshiresquireto whom a captain of a ship is a guest of no ordinary consequenceas heis a stranger and a gentlemanwho hath seen a great deal of the world inforeign partsand knows all the news of the times.

The squirethereforewas to send his boat for the captainbut a most unfortunate accident happened; foras the wind was extremely roughand against the hoywhile this was endeavoring to avail itself of greatseamanship in hauling up against the winda sudden squall carried off sail andyardor at least so disabled them that they were no longer of any use andunable to reach the ship; but the captainfrom the decksaw his hopes ofvenison disappointedand was forced either to stay on board his shipor tohoist forth his own long-boatwhich he could not prevail with himself to thinkofthough the smell of the venison had had twenty times its attraction. He didindeedlove his ship as his wifeand his boats as childrenand neverwillingly trusted the latterpoor things! to the dangers of the sea.

To say truthnotwithstanding the strict rigor with which hepreserved the dignity of his stations and the hasty impatience with which heresented any affront to his person or ordersdisobedience to which he could inno instance brook in any person on board. he was one of the best natured fellowsalive. He acted the part of a father to his

 

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sailors; he expressed great tenderness for any of them when illand neversuffered any the least work of supererogation to go unrewarded by a glass ofgin. He even extended his humanityif I may so call itto animalsand evenhis cats and kittens had large shares in his affections. An instance of which wesaw this eveningwhen the catwhich had shown it could not be drownedwasfound suffocated under a feather-bed in the cabin. I will not endeavor todescribe his lamentations with more prolixity than barely by saying they weregrievousand seemed to have some mixture of the Irish howl in them. Nayhecarried his fondness even to inanimate objectsof which we have above set downa pregnant example in his demonstration of love and tenderness towards his boatsand ship. He spoke of a ship which he had commanded formerlyand which was longsince no morewhich he had called the Princess of Brazilas a widower of adeceased wife. This shipafter having followed the honest business of carryinggoods and passengers for hire many yearsdid at last take to evil courses andturn privateerin which serviceto use his own wordsshe received manydreadful woundswhich he himself had felt as if they had been his own.

Thursday. -- As the wind did notyesterday discover any purpose of shiftingand the water in my belly grewtroublesome and rendered me short-breathedI began a second time to haveapprehensions of wanting the assistance of a trochar when none was to be found;I therefore concluded to be tapped again by way of precautionand accordingly

 

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I this morning summoned on board a surgeon from a neighboring parishone whomthe captain greatly recommendedand who did indeed perform his office with muchdexterity. He wasI believelikewise a man of great judgment and knowledge inthe profession; but of this I cannot speak with perfect certaintyforwhen hewas going to open on the dropsy at large and on the particular degree of thedistemper under which I laboredI was obliged to stop him shortfor the windwas changedand the captain in the utmost hurry to depart; and to desire himinstead of his opinionto assist me with his execution.

I was now once more delivered from my burdenwhich was notindeed so great as I had apprenhendedwanting two quarts of what was let out atthe last operation.

While the surgeon was drawing away my water the sailors weredrawing up the anchor; both were finished at the same time; we unfurled oursails and soon passed the Berry-headwhich forms the mouth of the bay.

We had not however sailed far when the windwhichhad thoughwith a slow pacekept us company about six milessuddenly turned aboutandoffered to conduct us back again; a favor whichthough sorely against thegrainwe were obliged to accept.

Nothing remarkable happened this day; for as to the firmpersuasion of the captain that he was under the spell of witchcraftI would notrepeat it too oftenthough indeed he repeated it an hundred times every day; intruthhe talked of nothing

 

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elseand seemed not only to be satisfied in general of his being bewitchedbutactually to have fixed with good certainty on the person of the witchwhomhadhe lived in the days of Sir Matthew Halehe would have infallibly indictedandvery possibly have hangedfor the detestable sin of witchcraft; but that lawand the whole doctrine that supported itare now out of fashion; and witchesas a learned divine once chose to express himselfare put down by act ofparliament. This witchin the captain's opinionwas no other than Mrs. Francisof Rydewhoas he insinuatedout of anger to me for not spending more moneyin her house than she could produce anything to exchange foror ally pretenseto charge forhad laid this spell on his ship.

Though we were again got near our harbor by three in theafternoonyet it seemed to require a full hour or more before we could come toour former place of anchoringor berthas the captain called it. On thisoccasion we exemplified one of the few advantages which the travelers by waterhave over the travelers by land. What would the latter often give for the sightof one of those hospitable mansions where he is assured that there is goodentertainment for man and horse; and where both may consequently promisethemselves to assuage that hunger which exercise is so sure to raise in ahealthy constitution.

At their arrival at this mansion how much happier is the stateof the horse than that of the master! The former is immediately led to hisrepastsuch as it isandwhatever it ishe falls to

 

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it with appetite. But the latter is in a much worse situation. His hungerhowever violentis always in some degree delicateand his food must have somekind of ornamentoras the more usual phrase isof dressingto recommend it.Now all dressing requires timeand thereforethough perhaps the sheep might bejust killed before you came to the innyet in cutting him upfetching thejointwhich the landlord by mistake said he had in the housefrom the butcherat two miles' distanceand afterwards warming it a little by the firetwohours at least must be consumedwhile hungerfor want of better foodpreysall the time on the vitals of the man.

How different was the case with us! we carried our provisionour kitchenand our cook with usand we were at one and the same timetraveling on our roadand sitting down to a repast of fishwith which thegreatest table in London can scarce at any rate be supplied.

Friday. -- As we were disappointedof our windand obliged to return back the preceding eveningwe resolved toextract all the good we could out of our misfortuneand to add considerably toour fresh stores of meat and breadwith which we were very indifferentlyprovided when we hurried away yesterday. By the captain's advice we likewiselaid in some stores of butterwhich we salted and potted ourselvesfor our useat Lisbonand we had great reason afterwards to thank him for his advice.

In the afternoon I persuaded my wife whom it was no easymatter for me to force from my side

 

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to take a walk on shorewhither the gallant captain declared he was ready toattend her. Accordingly the ladies set outand left me to enjoy a sweet andcomfortable nap after the operation of the preceding day.

Thus we enjoyed our separate pleasures full three hourswhenwe met againand my wife gave the foregoing account of the gentleman whom Ihave before compared to Axylusand of his habitationto both which she hadbeen introduced by the captainin the style of an old friend and acquaintancethough this foundation of intimacy seemed to her to be no deeper laid than in anaccidental dinnereaten many years beforeat this temple of hospitalitywhenthe captain lay wind-bound in the same bay.

Saturday. -- Early this morning thewind seemed inclined to change in our favor. Our alert captain snatched its veryfirst motionand got under sail with so very gentle a breeze thatas the tidewas against himhe recommended to a fishing boy to bring after him a vastsalmon and some other provisions which lay ready for him on shore.

Our anchor was up at sixand before nine in the morning wehad doubled the Berry-headand were arrived off Dartmouthhaving gone fullthree miles in as many hoursin direct opposition to the tidewhich onlybefriended us out of our harbor; and though the wind was perhaps our frienditwas so very silentand exerted itself so little in our favorthatlike somecool partisansit was difficult to say whether it was with us or against us.The captainhoweverdeclared the former to be the

 

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case during the whole three hours; but at last he perceived his errororratherperhapsthis friendwhich had hitherto wavered in choosing his sidebecame now more determined. The captain then suddenly tacked aboutandasserting that he was bewitchedsubmitted to return to the place from whence hecame. Nowthough I am as free from superstition as any man breathingand neverdid believe in witchesnotwithstanding all the excellent arguments of my lordchief-justice Hale in their favorand long before they were put down by act ofparliamentyet by what power a ship of burden should sail three miles againstboth wind and tideI cannot conceiveunless there was some supernaturalinterposition in the case; naycould we admit that the wind stood neuterthedifficulty would still remain. So that we must of necessity conclude that theship was either bewinded or bewitched.

The captainperhapshad another meaning. He imaginedhimselfI believebewitchedbecause the windinstead of persevering in itschange in his favorfor change it certainly did that morningshould suddenlyreturn to its favorite stationand blow him back towards the bay. Butif thiswas his opinionhe soon saw cause to alter; for he had not measured half theway back when the wind again declared in his favorand so loudlythat therewas no possibility of being mistaken.

The orders for the second tack were givenand obeyed withmuch more alacrity than those had been for the first. We were all of us indeedin high spirits on the occasion; though some of us a

 

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little regretted the good things we were likely to leave behind us by thefisherman's neglect; I might give it a worse namefor he faithfully promised toexecute the commissionwhich he had had abundant opportunity to do; but nauticafides deserves as much to be proverbial as ever Punica fides could formerly havedone. Naywhen we consider that the Carthaginians came from the Phenicians whoare supposed to have produced the first marinerswe may probably see the truereason of the adageand it may open a field of very curious discoveries to theantiquarian.

We werehowevertoo eager to pursue our voyage to sufferanything we left behind us to interrupt our happinesswhichindeedmanyagreeable circumstances conspired to advance. The weather was inexpressiblypleasantand we were all seated on the deckwhen our canvas began to swellwith the wind. We had likewise in our view above thirty other sail around usall in the same situation. Here an observation occurred to mewhichperhapsthough extremely obviousdid not offer itself to every individual in our littlefleet: when I perceived with what different success we proceeded under theinfluence of a superior power whichwhile we lay almost idle ourselvespushedus forward on our intended voyageand compared this with the slow progresswhich we had made in the morningof ourselvesand without any such assistanceI could not help reflecting how often the greatest abilities lie wind-bound asit were in life; orif they venture out and attempt to beat the seastheystruggle in vain against wind and tide

 

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andif they have not sufficient prudence to put backare most probably castaway on the rocks and quicksands which are every day ready to devour them.

It was now our fortune to set out melioribus avibus. The windfreshened so briskly in our poop that the shore appeared to move from us as fastas we did from the shore. The captain declared he was sure of a windmeaningits continuance; but he had disappointed us so often that he had lost allcredit. Howeverhe kept his word a little better nowand we lost sight of ournative land as joyfullyat leastas it is usual to regain it.

Sunday. -- The next morning thecaptain told me he thought himself thirty miles to the westward of Plymouthandbefore evening declared that the Lizard Pointwhich is the extremity ofCornwallbore several leagues to leeward. Nothing remarkable passed this dayexcept the captain's devotionwhoin his own phrasesummoned all hands toprayerswhich were read by a common sailor upon deckwith more devout forceand address than they are commonly read by a country curateand received withmore decency and attention by the sailors than are usually preserved in citycongregations. I am indeed assuredthat if any such affected disregard of thesolemn office in which they were engagedas I have seen practiced by finegentlemen and ladiesexpressing a kind of apprehension lest they should besuspected of being really in earnest in their devotionhad been shown herethey would have contracted the contempt of the whole audience. To say the truthfrom what

 

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I observed in the behavior of the sailors in this voyageand on comparing itwith what I have formerly seen of them at sea and on shoreI am convinced thaton land there is nothing more idle and dissolute; in their own element there areno persons near the level of their degree who live in the constant practice ofhalf so many good qualities. They arefor much the greater partperfectmasters of their businessand always extremely alertand ready in executingitwithout any regard to fatigue or hazard. The soldiers themselves are notbetter disciplined nor more obedient to orders than these whilst aboard; theysubmit to every difficulty which attends their calling with cheerfulnessand noless virtues and patience and fortitude are exercised by them every day of theirlives.

All these good qualitieshoweverthey always leave behindthem on shipboard; the sailor out of water isindeedas wretched an animal asthe fish out of water; for though the former hathin common with amphibiousanimalsthe bare power of existing on the landyet if he be kept there anytime he never fails to become a nuisance.

The ship having had a good deal of motion since she was lastunder sailour women returned to their sicknessand I to my solitude; havingfor twenty-four hours togetherscarce opened my lips to a single person. Thiscircumstance of being shut up within the circumference of a few yardswith ascore of human creatureswith not one of whom it was possible to conversewasperhaps so rare as scarce ever to have happened beforenor could it ever happento one who disliked it more

 

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than myselfor to myself at a season when I wanted more food for my socialdispositionor could converse less wholesomely and happily with my ownthoughts. To this accidentwhich fortune opened to me in the Downswas owingthe first serious thought which I ever entertained of enrolling myself among thevoyage-writers; some of the most amusing pagesifindeedthere be any whichdeserve that namewere possibly the production of the most disagreeable hourswhich ever haunted the author.

Monday. -- At noon the captain tookan observationby which it appeared that Ushant bore some leagues northward ofusand that we were just entering the bay of Biscay. We had advanced a very fewmiles in this bay before we were entirely becalmed: we furled our sailsasbeing of no use to us while we lay in this most disagreeable situationmoredetested by the sailors than the most violent tempest: we were alarmed with theloss of a fine piece of salt beefwhich had been hung in the sea to freshen it;this beingit seemsthe strange property of salt-water. The thief wasimmediately suspectedand presently afterwards taken by the sailors. He wasindeedno other than a huge sharkwhonot knowing when he was well offswallowed another piece of beeftogether with a great iron crook on which itwas hungand by which he was dragged into the ship.

I should scarce have mentioned the catching this sharkthoughso exactly conformable to the rules and practice of voyage-writinghad it notbeen for a strange circumstance that attended it. This was

 

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the recovery of the stolen beef out of the shark's mawwhere it lay unchewedand undigestedand whencebeing conveyed into the potthe fleshand thethief that had stolen itjoined together in furnishing variety to the ship'screw.

During this calm we likewise found the mast of a large vesselwhich the captain thought had lain at least three years in the sea. It was stuckall over with a little shell-fish or reptilecalled a barnacleand whichprobably are the prey of the rockfishas our captain calls itasserting thatit is the finest fish in the world; for which we are obliged to confide entirelyto his taste; forthough he struck the fish with a kind of harping-ironandwounded himI am convincedto deathyet he could not possess himself of hisbody; but the poor wretch escaped to linger out a few hours with probably greattorments.

In the evening our wind returnedand so brisklythat we ranupwards of twenty leagues before the next day's [Tuesday's] observationwhich brought us to lat. 47o 42'. The captain promised us a very speedy passagethrough the bay; but he deceived usor the wind deceived himfor it soslackened at sunsetthat it scarce carried us a mile in an hour during thewhole succeeding night.

Wednesday. -- A gale struck up alittle after sunrisingwhich carried us between three and four knots or milesan hour. We were this day at noon about the middle of the bay of Biscaywhenthe wind once more deserted usand we were so entirely becalmedthat we didnot advance a mile in many hours. My fresh-water reader will perhaps

 

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conceive no unpleasant idea from this calm; but it affected us much more than astorm could have done; foras the irascible passions of men are apt to swellwith indignation long after the injury which first raised them is overso faredit with the sea. It rose mountains highand lifted our poor ship up and downbackwards and forwardswith so violent an emotionthat there was scarce a manin the ship better able to stand than myself. Every utensil in our cabin rolledup and downas we should have rolled ourselveshad not our chairs been fastlashed to the floor. In this situationwith our tables likewise fastened byropesthe captain and myself took our meal with some difficultyand swalloweda little of our brothfor we spilt much the greater part. The remainder of ourdinner being an oldleantame duck roastedI regretted but little the lossofmy teeth not being good enough to have chewed it.

Our womenwho began to creep out of their holes in themorningretired again within the cabin to their bedsand were no more heard ofthis dayin which my whole comfort was to find by the captain's relation thatthe swelling was sometimes much worse; he didindeedtake this occasion to bemore communicative than everand informed me of such misadventures that hadbefallen him within forty-six years at sea as might frighten a very bold spiritfrom undertaking even the shortest voyage. Were theseindeedbut universallyknownour matrons of quality would possibly be deterred from venturing theirtender offspring at sea; by which means our navy would lose the honor

 

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of many a young commodorewho at twenty-two is better versed in maritimeaffairs than real seamen are made by experience at sixty.

And this mayperhapsappear the more extraordinaryas theeducation of both seems to be pretty much the same; neither of them having hadtheir courage tried by Virgil's description of a stormin whichinspired as hewasI doubt whether our captain doth not exceed him.

In the evening the windwhich continued in the N.W.againfreshenedand that so briskly that Cape Finisterre appeared by this day'sobservation to bear a few miles to the southward. We now indeed sailedorrather flewnear ten knots an hour; and the captainin the redundancy of hisgood-humordeclared he would go to church at Lisbon on Sunday nextfor that hewas sure of a wind; andindeedwe all firmly believed him. But the event againcontradicted him; for we were again visited by a calm in the evening.

But herethough our voyage was retardedwe were entertainedwith a scenewhich as no one can behold without going to seaso no one canform an idea of anything equal to it on shore. We were seated on the deckwomenand allin the serenest evening that can be imagined. Not a single cloudpresented itself to our viewand the sun himself was the only object whichengrossed our whole attention. He did indeed set with a majesty which isincapable of descriptionwith whichwhile the horizon was yet blazing withgloryour eyes were called off to the opposite part to survey the moonwhichwas then at fulland which in rising presented

 

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us with the second object that this world hath offered to our vision. Comparedto these the pageantry of theatersor splendor of courtsare sights almostbelow the regard of children.

We did not return from the deck till late in the evening; theweather being inexpressibly pleasantand so warm that even my old distemperperceived the alteration of the climate. There was indeed a swellbut nothingcomparable to what we had felt beforeand it affected us on the deck much lessthan in the cabin.

Friday. -- The calm continued tillsun-risingwhen the wind likewise arosebut unluckily for us it came from awrong quarter; it was S.S.E.which is that very wind which Juno would havesolicited of Æolushad Gneas been in our latitude bound for Lisbon.

The captain now put on his most melancholy aspectand resumedhis former opinion that he was bewitched. He declared with great solemnity thatthis was worse and worsefor that a wind directly in his teeth was worse thanno wind at all. Had we pursued the course which the wind persuaded us to take wehad gone directly for Newfoundlandif we had not fallen in with Ireland in ourway. Two ways remained to avoid this; one was to put into a port of Galicia; theotherto beat to the westward with as little sail as possible: and this was ourcaptain's election.

As for uspoor passengersany port would have been welcometo us; especiallyas not only our fresh provisionsexcept a great number ofold ducks and fowlsbut even our bread was come to

 

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an endand nothing but sea-biscuit remainedwhich I could not chew. So thatnow for the first time in my life I saw what it was to want a bit of bread.

The wind however was not so unkind as we had apprehended; buthaving declined with the sunit changed at the approach of the moonand becameagain favorable to usthough so gentle that the next day's observation carriedus very little to the southward of Cape Finisterre. This evening at six thewindwhich had been very quiet all dayrose very highand continuing in ourfavor drove us seven knots an hour.

This day we saw a sailthe only oneas I heard ofwe hadseen in our whole passage through the bay. I mention this on account of whatappeared to me somewhat extraordinary. Though she was at such a distance that Icould only perceive she was a shipthe sailors discovered that she was a snowbound to a port in Galicia.

Sunday. -- After prayerswhich ourgood captain read on the deck with an audible voiceand with but one mistakeof a lion for Eliasin the second lesson for this daywe found ourselves faradvanced in 42oand the captain declared we should sup off Porte. We had notmuch wind this day; butas this was directly in our favorwe made it up withsailof which we crowded all we had. We went only at the rate of four miles anhourbut with so uneasy a motioncontinuing rolling from side to sidethat Isuffered more than I had done in our whole voyage; my bowels being almosttwisted out of my belly. Howeverthe day

 

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was very serene and brightand the captainwho was in high spiritsaffirmedhe had never passed a pleasanter at sea.

The wind continued so brisk that we ran upward of six knots anhour the whole night.

Monday. -- In the morning ourcaptain concluded that he was got into lat. 40oand was very little; short ofthe Burlingsas they are called in the charts. We came up with them at five inthe afternoonbeing the first land we had distinctly seen since we leftDevonshire. They consist of abundance of little rocky islandsa little distantfrom the shorethree of them only showing themselves above the water.

Here the Portuguese maintain a kind of garrisonif we mayallow it that name. It consists of malefactorswho are banished hither for atermfor divers small offenses -- a policy which they may have copied from theEgyptiansas we may read in Diodorus Siculus. That wise peopleto prevent thecorruption of good manners by evil communicationbuilt a town on the Red Seawhither they transported a great number of their criminalshaving first set anindelible mark on themto prevent their returning and mixing with the soberpart of their citizens.

These rocks lie about fifteen leagues northwest of CapeRoxentoras it is commonly calledthe Rock of Lisbonwhich we passed earlythe next morning. The windindeedwould have carried us thither sooner; butthe captain was not in a hurryas he was to lose nothing by his delay.

Tuesday. -- This is a very highmountainsituated

 

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on the northern side of the mouth of the river Tajowhichrising about Madridin Spainand soon becoming navigable for small craftempties itselfafter along courseinto the seaabout four leagues below Lisbon.

On the summit of the rock stands a hermitagewhich is now inthe possession of an Englishmanwho was formerly master of a vessel trading toLisbon; andhaving changed his religion and his mannersthe latter of whichat leastwere none of the bestbetook himself to this placein order to dopenance for his sins. He is now very oldand hath inhabited this hermitage fora great number of yearsduring which he hath received some countenance from theroyal familyand particularly from the present queen dowagerwhose pietyrefuses no trouble or expense by which she may make a proselytebeing used tosay that the saving one soul would repay all the endeavors of her life.

Here we waited for the tideand had the pleasure of surveyingthe face of the countrythe soil of whichat this seasonexactly resembles anold brick-kilnor a field where the green sward is pared up and set a-burningor rather a smokingin little heaps to manure the land. This sight willperhapsof all othersmake an Englishman proud ofand pleased withhis owncountrywhich in verdure excelsI believeevery other country. Anotherdeficiency here is the want of large treesnothing above a shrub being here tobe discovered in the circumference of many miles.

At this place we took a pilot on boardwhobeing the firstPortuguese we spoke togave us an

 

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instance of that religious observance which is paid by all nations to theirlaws; forwhereas it is here a capital offense to assist any person in going onshore from a foreign vessel before it hath been examinedand every person in itviewed by the magistrates of healthas they are calledthis worthy pilotfora very small rewardrowed the Portuguese priest to shore at this placebeyondwhich he did not dare to advanceand in venturing whither he had givensufficient testimony of love for his native country.

We did not enter the Tajo till noonwhenafter passingseveral old castles and other buildings which had greatly the aspect of ruinswe came to the castle of Bellislewhere we had a full prospect of Lisbonandwereindeedwithin three miles of it.

Here we were saluted with a gunwhich was a signal to pass nofarther till we had complied with certain ceremonies which the laws of thiscountry require to be observed by all ships which arrive in this port. We wereobliged then to cast anchorand expect the arrival of the officers of thecustomswithout whose passport no ship must proceed farther than this place.

Here likewise we received a visit from one of thosemagistrates of health before mentioned. He refused to come on board the shiptill every person in her had been drawn up on deck and personally viewed by him.This occasioned some delay on my partas it was not the work of a minute tolift me from the cabin to the deck. The captain thought my particular case mighthave been excused

 

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from this ceremonyand that it would be abundantly sufficient if themagistratewho was obliged afterwards to visit the cabinsurveyed me there.But this did not satisfy the magistrate's strict regard to his duty. When he wastold of my lamenesshe called outwith a voice of authority``Let him bebrought up'' and his orders were presently complied with. He wasindeedaperson of great dignityas well as of the most exact fidelity in the dischargeof his trust. Both which are the more admirable as his salary is less thanthirty pounds English per annum.

Before a ship hath been visited by one of those magistrates noperson can lawfully go on board hernor can any on board depart from her. ThisI saw exemplified in a remarkable instance. The young lad whom I have mentionedas one of our passengers was here met by his fatherwhoon the first news ofthe captain's arrivalcame from Lisbon to Bellisle in a boatbeing eager toembrace a son whom he had not seen for many years. But when he came alongsideour ship neither did the father dare ascend nor the son descendas themagistrate of health had not yet been on board.

Some of our readers willperhapsadmire the great caution ofthis policyso nicely calculated for the preservation of this country from allpestilential distempers. Others will as probably regard it as too exact andformal to be constantly persisted inin seasons of the utmost safetyas wellas in times of danger. I will not decide either waybut will content myselfwith observing that I never yet saw or heard of a place where a traveler had so

 

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much trouble given him at his landing as here. The only use of whichas allsuch matters begin and end in form onlyis to put it into the power of low andmean fellows to be either rudely officious or grossly corruptas they shall seeoccasion to prefer the gratification of their pride or of their avarice.

Of this kindlikewiseis that power which is lodged withother officers hereof taking away every grain of snuff and every leaf oftobacco brought hither from other countriesthough only for the temporary useof the person during his residence here. This is executed with great insolenceandas it is in the hands of the dregs of the peoplevery scandalously; forunder pretense of searching for tobacco and snuffthey are sure to stealwhatever they can findinsomuch that when they came on board our sailorsaddressed us in the Covent-garden language: ``Praygentlemen and ladiestakecare of your swords and watches.'' IndeedI never yet saw anything equal to thecontempt and hatred which our honest tars every moment expressed for thesePortuguese officers.

At Bellisle lies buried Catharine of Arragonwidow of princeArthureldest son of our Henry VIIafterwards married toand divorced fromHenry VIII. Close by the church where her remains are deposited is a largeconvent of Geronymitesone of the most beautiful piles of building in allPortugal.

In the eveningat twelveour shiphaving received previousvisits from all the neeessary parties

 

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took the advantage of the tideand having sailed up to Lisbon cast anchortherein a calm and moonshiny nightwhich made the passage incredibly pleasantto the womenwho remained three hours enjoying itwhilst I was left to thecooler transports of enjoying their pleasures at second-hand; and yetcooler asthey may bewhoever is totally ignorant of such sensation isat the same timevoid of all ideas of friendship.

Wednesday. -- Lisbonbefore whichwe now lay at anchoris said to be built on the same number of hills with oldRome; but these do not all appear to the water; on the contraryone sees fromthence one vast high hill and rockwith buildings arising above one anotherand that in so steep and almost perpendicular a mannerthat they all seem tohave but one foundation.

As the housesconventschurches&c.are largeand allbuilt with white stonethey look very beautiful at a distance; but as youapproach nearerand find them to want every kind of ornamentall idea ofbeauty vanishes at once. While I was surveying the prospect of this citywhichbears so little resemblance to any other that I have ever seena reflectionoccurred to me thatif a man was suddenly to be removed from Palmyra hitherand should take a view of no other cityin how glorious a light would theancient architecture appear to him! and what desolation and destruction of artsand sciences would he conclude had happened between the several eras of thesecities!

I had now waited full three hours upon deck for the return ofmy manwhom I had sent to bespeak

 

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a good dinner (a thing which had been long unknown to me) on shoreand then tobring a Lisbon chaise with him to the seashore; but it seems the impertinence ofthe providore was not yet brought to a conclusion. At three o'clockwhen I wasfrom emptinessrather faint than hungrymy man returnedand told me there wasa new law lately made that no passenger should set his foot on shore without aspecial order from the providoreand that he himself would have been sent toprison for disobeying ithad he not been protected as the servant of thecaptain. He informed me likewise that the captain had been very industrious toget this orderbut that it was then the providore's hour of sleepa time whenno manexcept the king himselfdurst disturb him.

To avoid prolixitythough in a part of my narrative which maybe more agreeable to my reader than it was to methe providorehaving at lastfinished his napdispatched this absurd matter of formand gave me leave tocomeor rather to be carriedon shore.

What it was that gave the first hint of this strange law isnot easy to guess. Possiblyin the infancy of their defectionand before theirgovernment could be well establishedthey were willing to guard against thebare possibility of surpriseof the success of which bare possibility theTrojan horse will remain for ever on recordas a great and memorable example.Now the Portuguese have no walls to secure themand a vessel of two or threehundred tons will contain a much larger body of troops than could be concealedin

 

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that famous machinethough Virgil tells us (somewhat hyperbolicallyI believe)that it was as big as a mountain.

About seven in the evening I got into a chaise on shoreandwas driven through the nastiest city in the worldthough at the same time oneof the most populousto a kind of coffee-housewhich is very pleasantlysituated on the brow of a hillabout a mile from the cityand hath a very fineprospect of the river Tajo from Lisbon to the sea.

Here we regaled ourselves with a good supperfor which wewere as well charged as if the bill had been made on the Bath-roadbetweenNewbury and London.

And now we could joyfully say

Egressi optata Troes potiuntur arena.

Thereforein the words of Horace

-- hie Finis chartæque viæque.

 


END OF VOL. I.

DEDICATION TO THE PUBLIC

YOUR candor is desired on theperusal of the following sheetsas they are the product of a genius that haslong been your delight and entertainment. It must be acknowledged that a lampalmost burnt out does not give so steady and uniform a light as when it blazesin its full vigor; but yet it is well known that by its waveringas ifstruggling against its own dissolutionit sometimes darts a ray as bright asever. In like mannera strong and lively genius willin its last strugglessometimes mount aloftand throw forth the most striking marks of its originalluster.

Wherever these are to be founddo youthegenuine patrons of extraordinary capacitiesbe as liberal in your applauses ofhim who is now no more as you were of him whilst he was yet amongst you. Andonthe other handif in this little work there should appear any traces of aweakened and decayed lifelet your own imaginations place before your eyes atrue picture in that of a hand trembling in almost its latest hourof

 

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a body emaciated with painsyet struggling for your entertainment; and let thisaffecting picture open each tender heartand call forth a melting tearto blotout whatever failings may be found in a work begun in painand finished almostat the same period with life.

It was thought proper by the friends of thedeceased that this little piece should come into your hands as it came from thehands of the authorit being judged that you would be better pleased to have anopportunity of observing the faintest traces of a genius you have long admiredthan have it patched by a different handby which means the marks of its trueauthor might have been effaced.

That the success of the last writtenthoughfirst publishedvolume of the author's posthumous pieces may be attended withsome convenience to those innocents he hath left behindwill no doubt be amotive to encourage its circulation through the kingdomwhich will engage everyfuture genius to exert itself for your pleasure.

The principles and spirit which breathe inevery line of the small fragment begun in answer to Lord Bolingbroke willunquestionably be a sufficient apology for its publicationalthough vitalstrength was wanting to finish a work so happily begun and so well designed.

PREFACE

THERE would notperhapsbe amore pleasant or profitable studyamong those which have their principal end inamusementthan that of travels or voyagesif they were wrote as they might beand ought to bewith a joint view to the entertainment and information ofmankind. If the conversation of travelers be so eagerly sought after as it iswe may believe their books will be still more agreeable companyas they will ingeneral be more instructive and more entertaining.

But when I say the conversation of travelersis usually so welcomeI must be understood to mean that only of such as havehad good sense enough to apply their peregrinations to a proper useso as toacquire from them a real and valuable knowledge of men and thingsboth whichare best known by comparison. If the customs and manners of men were everywherethe samethere would be no office so dull as that of a travelerfor thedifference of hillsvalleysriversin shortthe various views of which wemay see the face of the earthwould scarce afford him a pleasure worthy of hislabor; and surely it would give him very little opportunity of communicating anykind of entertainment or improvement to others.

To make a traveler an agreeable companion to aman of senseit is necessarynot only that he

 

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should have seen muchbut that he should have overlooked much of what he hathseen. Nature is notany more than a great geniusalways admirable in herproductionsand therefore the travelerwho may be called her commentatorshould not expect to find everywhere subjects worthy of his notice.

It is certainindeedthat one may be guiltyof omissionas well as of the opposite extreme; but a fault on that side willbe more easily pardonedas it is better to be hungry than surfeited; and tomiss your dessert at the table of a man whose gardens abound with the choicestfruitsthan to have your taste affronted with every sort of trash that can bepicked up at the green-stall or the wheel-barrow.

If we should carry on the analogy between thetraveler and the commentatorit is impossible to keep one's eye a moment offfrom the laborious much-read doctor Zachary Grayof whose redundant notes onHudibras I shall only say that it isI am confidentthe single book extant inwhich above five hundred authors are quotednot one of which could be found inthe collection of the late doctor Mead.

As there are few things which a traveler is torecordthere are fewer on which he is to offer his observations: this is theoffice of the reader; and it is so pleasant a onethat he seldom chooses tohave it taken from himunder the pretense of lending him assistance. Someoccasionsindeedthere arewhen proper observations are pertinentand otherswhen they are necessary; but

 

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good sense alone must point them out. I shall lay down only one general rule;which I believe to be of universal truth between relator and heareras it isbetween author and reader; this isthat the latter never forgive anyobservation of the former which doth not convey some knowledge that they aresensible they could not possibly have attained of themselves.

But all his pains in collecting knowledgeallhis judgment in selectingand all his art in communicating itwill notsufficeunless he can make himselfin some degreean agreeable as well as aninstructive companion. The highest instruction we can derive from the tedioustale of a dull fellow scarce ever pays us for our attention. There is nothingIthinkhalf so valuable as knowledgeand yet there is nothing which men willgive themselves so little trouble to attain; unless it beperhapsthat lowestdegree of it which is the object of curiosityand which hath therefore thatactive passion constantly employed in its service. Thisindeedit is in thepower of every traveler to gratify; but it is the leading principle in weakminds only.

To render his relation agreeable to the man ofsenseit is therefore necessary that the voyager should possess several eminentand rare talents; so rare indeedthat it is almost wonderful to see them everunited in the same person.

And if all these talents must concur in therelatorthey are certainly in a more eminent degree necessary to the writer;for here the narration admits of higher ornaments of styleand every

 

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fact and sentiment offers itself to the fullest and most deliberate examination.

It would appearthereforeI thinksomewhatstrange if such writers as these should be found extremely common; since naturehath been a most parsimonious distributor of her richest talentsand hathseldom bestowed many on the same person. Buton the other handwhy thereshould scarce exist a single writer of this kind worthy our regard; andwhilstthere is no other branch of history (for this is history) which hath notexercised the greatest penswhy this alone should be overlooked by all men ofgreat genius and eruditionand delivered up to the Goths and Vandals as theirlawful propertyis altogether as difficult to determine.

And yet that this is the casewith some veryfew exceptionsis most manifest. Of these I shall willingly admit Burnet andAddison; if the former was notperhapsto be considered as a politicalessayistand the latter as a commentator on the classicsrather than as awriter of travels; which last titleperhapsthey would both of them have beenleast ambitious to affect.

Indeedif these two and two or three moreshould be removed from the massthere would remain such a heap of dullnessbehindthat the appellation of voyage-writer would not appear very desirable.

I am not here unapprised that old Homerhimself is by some considered as a voyage-writer; andindeedthe beginning ofhis Odyssey may be urged to countenance that opinionwhich I shall

 

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not controvert. Butwhatever species of writing the Odyssey is ofit is surelyat the head of that speciesas much as the Iliad is of another; and so far theexcellent Longinus would allowI believeat this day.

Butin realitythe Odysseythe Telemachusand all of that kindare to the voyage-writing I here intendwhat romance isto true historythe former being the confounder and corrupter of the latter. Iam far from supposing that HomerHesiodand the other ancient poets andmythologistshad any settled design to pervert and confuse the records ofantiquity; but it is certain they have effected it; and for my part I mustconfess I should have honored and loved Homer more had he written a true historyof his own times in humble prosethan those noble poems that have so justlycollected the praise of all ages; forthough I read these with more admirationand astonishmentI still read HerodotusThucydidesand Xenophon with moreamusement and more satisfaction.

The original poets were nothoweverwithoutexcuse. They found the limits of nature too straight for the immensity of theirgeniuswhich they had not room to exert without extending fact by fiction: andthat especially at a time when the manners of men were too simple to afford thatvariety which they have since offered in vain to the choice of the meanestwriters. In doing this they are again excusable for the manner in which theyhave done it.

Ut speciosa dehine miracula promant.


 

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They are notindeedso properly said to turn reality intofictionas fiction into reality. Their paintings are so boldtheir colors sostrongthat everything they touch seems to exist in the very manner theyrepresent it; their portraits are so justand their landscapes so beautifulthat we acknowledge the strokes of nature in bothwithout inquiring whetherNature herselfor her journeyman the poetformed the first pattern of thepiece.

But other writers (I will put Pliny at their head) have nosuch pretensions to indulgence; they lie for lying sakeor in order insolentlyto impose the most monstrous improbabilities and absurdities upon their readerson their own authority; treating them as some fathers treat childrenand asother fathers do laymenexacting their belief of whatever they relateon noother foundation than their own authoritywithout ever taking the pains oradapting their lies to human credulityand of calculating them for the meridianof a common understanding; butwith as much weakness as wickednessand withmore impudence often than eitherthey assert facts contrary to the honor ofGodto the visible order of the creationto the known laws of natureto thehistories of former agesand to the experience of our ownand which no man canat once understand and believe.

If it should be objected (and it can nowhere be objectedbetter than where I now write12 as there

 

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is nowhere more pomp of bigotry) that whole nations have been firm believers insuch most absurd suppositionsI replythe fact is not true. They have knownnothing of the matterand have believed they knew not what. It isindeedwithme no matter of doubt but that the pope and his clergy might teach any of thoseChristian heterodoxiesthe tenets of which are the most diametrically oppositeto their own; nayall the doctrines of ZoroasterConfuciusand Mahometnotonly with certain and immediate successbut without one Catholic in a thousandknowing he had changed his religion.

What motive a man can have to sit downand to draw forth alist of stupidsenselessincredible lies upon paperwould be difficult todeterminedid not Vanity present herself so immediately as the adequate cause.The vanity of knowing more than other men isperhapsbesides hungerthe onlyinducement to writingat least to publishingat all. Why then should not thevoyage-writer be inflamed with the glory of having seen what no man ever did orwill see but himself? This is the true source of the wonderful in the discourseand writingsand sometimesI believein the actions of men. There is anotherfaultof a kind directly opposite to thisto which these writers are sometimesliablewheninstead of filling their pages with monsters which nobody hathever seenand with adventures which never havenor could possibly havehappened to themwaste their time and paper with recording things and facts ofso common a kindthat they challenge no other right

 

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of being remembered than as they had the honor of having happened to the authorto whom nothing seems trivial that in any manner happens to himself. Of suchconsequence do his own actions appear to one of this kindthat he wouldprobably think himself guilty of infidelity should he omit the minutest thing inthe detail of his journal. That the fact is true is sufficient to give it aplace therewithout any consideration whether it is capable of pleasing orsurprisingof diverting or informingthe reader.

I have seen a play (if I mistake not it is one of Mrs. Behn'sor of Mrs. Centlivre's) where this vice in a voyage-writer is finely ridiculed.An ignorant pedantto whose governmentfor I know not what reasonthe conductof a young nobleman in his travels is committedand who is sent abroad to showmy lord the worldof which he knows nothing himselfbefore his departure froma towncalls for his Journal to record the goodness of the wine and tobaccowith other articles of the same importancewhich are to furnish the materialsof a voyage at his return home. The humorit is trueis here carried very far;and yetperhapsvery little beyond what is to be found in writers who professno intention of dealing in humor at all.

Of one or otheror both of these kindsareI conceiveallthat vast pile of books which pass under the names of voyagestravelsadventureslivesmemoirshistoriesetc.some of which a single travelersends into the world in many volumesand others areby judicious booksellers

 

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collected into vast bodies in folioand inscribed with their own namesas ifthey were indeed their own travels: thus unjustly attributing to themselves themerit of others.

Nowfrom both these faults we have endeavored to steer clearin the following narrative; whichhowever the contrary may be insinuated byignorantunlearnedand fresh-water criticswho have never traveled either inbooks or shipsI do solemnly declare dothin my own impartial opiniondeviateless from truth than any other voyage extant; my lord Anson's alone beingperhapsexcepted.

Some few embellishments must be allowed to every historian;for we are not to conceive that the speeches in LivySallustor Thucydideswere literally spoken in the very words in which we now read them. It issufficient that every fact hath its foundation in truthas I do seriously averis the ease in the ensuing pages; and when it is soa good critic will be sofar from denying all kind of ornament of style or dictionor even ofcircumstanceto his authorthat he would be rather sorry if he omitted it; forhe could hence derive no other advantage than the loss of an additional pleasurein the perusal.

Againif any merely common incident should appear in thisjournalwhich will seldom I apprehend be the casethe candid reader willeasily perceive it is not introduced for its own sakebut for some observationsand reflections naturally resulting from it; and whichif but little to hisamusementtend directly to the instruction of the

 

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reader or to the information of the public; to whom if I choose to convey suchinstruction or information with an air of joke and laughternone but thedullest of fellows willI believecensure it; but if they shouldI have theauthority of more than one passage in Horace to allege in my defense.

Having thus endeavored to obviate some censuresto which aman without the gift of foresightor any fear of the imputation of being aconjurermight conceive this work would be liableI might now undertake a morepleasing taskand fall at once to the direct and positive praises of the workitself; of which indeedI could say a thousand good things; but the task is sovery pleasant that I shall leave it wholly to the readerand it is all the taskthat I impose on him. A moderation for which he may think himself obliged to mewhen he compares it with the conduct of authorswho often fill a whole sheetwith their own praisesto which they sometimes set their own real namesandsometimes a fictitious one. One hinthoweverI must give the kind reader;which isthat if he should be able to find no sort of amusement in the bookhewill be pleased to remember the public utility which will arise from it. Ifentertainmentas Mr. Richardson observesbe but a secondary consideration in aromance; with which Mr. AddisonI thinkagreesaffirming the use of thepastry cook to be the first; if thisI saybe true of a mere work ofinventionsure it may well be so considered in a work foundedlike thisontruth; and

 

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where the political reflections form so distinguishing a part.

But perhaps I may hearfrom some critic of the most saturninecomplexionthat my vanity must have made a horrid dupe of my judgmentif ithath flattered me with an expectation of having anything here seen in a gravelightor of conveying any useful instruction to the publicor to theirguardians. I answerwith the great man whom I just now quotedthat my purposeis to convey instruction in the vehicle of entertainment; and so to bring aboutat oncelike the revolution in the Rehearsala perfect reformation of the lawsrelating to our maritime affairs: an undertakingI will not say more modestbut surely more feasiblethan that of reforming a whole peopleby making useof a vehicular storyto wheel in among them worse manners than their own.



[12] At Lisbon.

 

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INTRODUCTION

IN the beginning of August1753when I had taken the duke of Portland's medicineas it is callednear ayearthe effects of which had been the carrying off the symptoms of a lingeringimperfect goutI was persuaded by Mr. Ranbythe king's premiersergeant-surgeonand the ablest adviceI believein all branches of thephysical professionto go immediately to Bath. I accordingly wrote that verynight to Mrs. Bowdenwhoby the next postinformed me she had taken me alodging for a month certain.

Within a few days after thiswhilst I waspreparing for my journeyand when I was almost fatigued to death with severallong examinationsrelating to five different murdersall committed within thespace of a weekby different gangs of street-robbersI received a message fromhis grace the duke of Newcastleby Mr. Carringtonthe king's messengertoattend his grace the next morningin Lincoln's-inn-fieldsupon some businessof importance; but I excused myself from complying with the messageasbesidesbeing lameI was very ill with the great fatigues I had lately undergone addedto my distemper.

His gracehoweversent Mr. Carringtonthevery next morningwith another summons; with whichthough in the utmostdistressI immediately complied; but the dukehappeningunfortunately

 

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for meto be then particularly engagedafter I had waited some timesent agentleman to discourse with me on the best plan which could be invented forputting an immediate end to those murders and robberies which were every daycommitted in the streets; upon which I promised to transmit my opinioninwritingto his gracewhoas the gentleman informed meintended to lay itbefore the privy council.

Though this visit cost me a severe coldInotwithstandingset myself down to work; and in about four days sent the dukeas regular a plan as I could formwith all the reasons and arguments I couldbring to support itdrawn out in several sheets of paper; and soon received amessage from the duke by Mr. Carringtonacquainting me that my plan was highlyapproved ofand that all the terms of it would be complied with.

The principal and most material of those termswas the immediately depositing six hundred pound in my hands; at which smallcharge I undertook to demolish the then reigning gangsand to put the civilpolicy into such orderthat no such gangs should ever be ablefor the futureto form themselves into bodiesor at least to remain any time formidable to thepublic.

I had delayed my Bath journey for some timecontrary to the repeated advice of my physical acquaintanceand to the ardentdesire of my warmest friendsthough my distemper was now turned to a deepjaundice; in which case the Bath waters are generally reputed to be almostinfallible. But I had the most eager desire of demolishing

 

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this gang of villains and cut-throatswhich I was sure of accomplishing themoment I was enabled to pay a fellow who had undertakenfor a small sumtobetray them into the hands of a set of thief-takers whom I had enlisted into theserviceall men of known and approved fidelity and intrepidity.

After some weeks the money was paid at thetreasuryand within a few days after two hundred pounds of it had come to myhandsthe whole gang of cut-throats was entirely dispersedseven of them werein actual custodyand the rest drivensome out of the townand others out ofthe kingdom.

Though my health was now reduced to the lastextremityI continued to act with the utmost vigor against these villains; inexamining whomand in taking the depositions against themI have often spentwhole daysnaysometimes whole nightsespecially when there was anydifficulty in procuring sufficient evidence to convict them; which is a verycommon case in street-robberieseven when the guilt of the party issufficiently apparent to satisfy the most tender conscience. But courts ofjustice know nothing of a cause more than what is told them on oath by awitness; and the most flagitious villain upon earth is tried in the same manneras a man of the best character who is accused of the same crime.

Meanwhileamidst all my fatigues anddistressesI had the satisfaction to find my endeavors had been attended withsuch success that this hellish society were almost utterly extirpated

 

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and thatinstead of reading of murders and street-robberies in the news almostevery morningthere wasin the remaining part of the month of Novemberand inall Decembernot only no such thing as a murderbut not even a street-robberycommitted. Some suchindeedwere mentioned in the public papers; but they wereall found on the strictest inquiryto be false.

In this entire freedom from street-robberiesduring the dark monthsno man willI believescruple to acknowledge that thewinter of 1753 stands unrivaledduring a course of many years; and this maypossibly appear the more extraordinary to those who recollect the outrages withwhich it began.

Having thus fully accomplished my undertakingI went into the countryin a very weak and deplorable conditionwith no feweror less diseases than a jaundicea dropsyand an asthmaaltogether unitingtheir forces in the destruction of a body so entirely emaciated that it had lostall its muscular flesh.

Mine was now no longer what was called a Bathcase; norif it had been sohad I strength remaining sufficient to go thithera ride of six miles only being attended with an intolerable fatigue. I nowdischarged my lodgings at Bathwhich I had hitherto kept. I began in earnest tolook on my case as desperateand I had vanity enough to rank myself with thoseheroes whoof old timesbecame voluntary sacrifices to the good of the public.

Butlest the reader should be too eager tocatch

 

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at the word vanityand should be unwilling to indulge me with so sublimea gratificationfor I think he is not too apt to gratify meI will take my keya pitch lowerand will frankly own that I had a stronger motive than the loveof the public to push me on: I will therefore confess to him that my privateaffairs at the beginning of the winter had but a gloomy aspect; for I had notplundered the public or the poor of those sums which menwho are always readyto plunder both as much as they canhave been pleased to suspect me of taking:on the contraryby composinginstead of inflaming the quarrels of porters andbeggars (which I blush when I say hath not been universally practiced)and byrefusing to take a shilling from a man who most undoubtedly would not have hadanother leftI had reduced an income of about five hundred pounds
13a-year of the dirtiest

 

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money upon earth to little more than three hundred pounds; a considerableproportion of which remained with my clerk; andindeedif the whole had donesoas it oughthe would be but ill paid for sitting almost sixteen hours inthe twenty-four in the most unwholesomeas well as nauseous air in theuniverseand which hath in his case corrupted a good constitution withoutcontaminating his morals.

Butnot to trouble the reader with anecdotescontrary to my own rule laid down in my prefaceI assure him I thought myfamily was very slenderly provided for; and that my health began to decline sofast that I had very little more of life left to accomplish what I had thoughtof too late. I rejoiced therefore greatly in seeing an opportunityas Iapprehendedof gaining such merit in the eve of the publicthatif my lifewere the sacrifice to itmy friends might think they did a popular act inputting my family at least beyond the reach of necessitywhich I myself beganto despair of doing. And though I disclaim all pretense to that Spartan or Romanpatriotism which loved the public so well that it was always ready to become avoluntary sacrifice to the public good

 

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I do solemnly declare I have that love for my family.

After this confession thereforethat thepublic was not the principal deity to which my life was offered a sacrificeandwhen it is farther considered what a poor sacrifice this wasbeing indeed noother than the giving up what I saw little likelihood of being able to hold muchlongerand whichupon the terms I held itnothing but the weakness of humannature could represent to me as worth holding at all; the world mayI believewithout envyallow me all the praise to which I have any title.

My aimin factwas not praisewhich is thelast gift they care to bestow; at leastthis was not my aim as an endbutrather as a means of purchasing some moderate provision for my familywhichthough it should exceed my meritmust fall infinitely short of my serviceif Isucceeded in my attempt.

To say the truththe public never act morewisely than when they act most liberally in the distribution of their rewards;and here the good they receive is often more to be considered than the motivefrom which they receive it. Example alone is the end of all public punishmentsand rewards. Laws never inflict disgrace in resentmentnor confer honor fromgratitude. ``For it is very hardmy lord'' said a convicted felon at the barto the late excellent judge Burnet``to hang a poor man for stealing a horse.''``You are not to be hanged sir'' answered my ever-honored and beloved friend``for stealing a horse

 

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but you are to be hanged that horses may not be stolen.'' In like manner itmight have been said to the late duke of Marlboroughwhen the parliament was sodeservedly liberal to himafter the battle of Blenheim``You receive not thesehonors and bounties on account of a victory pastbut that other victories maybe obtained.''

I was nowin the opinion of all mendying ofa complication of disorders; andwere I desirous of playing the advocateIhave an occasion fair enough; but I disdain such an attempt. I relate factsplainly and simply as they are; and let the world draw from them whatconclusions they pleasetaking with them the following facts for theirinstruction: the one isthat the proclamation offering one hundred pounds forthe apprehending felons for certain felonies committed in certain placeswhichI prevented from being revivedhad formerly cost the government severalthousand pounds within a single year. Secondlythat all such proclamationsinstead of curing the evilhad actually increased it; had multiplied the numberof robberies; had propagated the worst and wickedest of perjuries; had laidsnares for youth and ignorancewhichby the temptation of these rewardshadbeen sometimes drawn into guilt; and sometimeswhich cannot be thought onwithout the highest horrorhad destroyed them without it. Thirdlythat my planhad not put the government to more than three hundred pound expenseand hadproduced none of the ill consequences above mentioned; butlastlyhad actuallysuppressed the evil for a timeand had

 

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plainly pointed out the means of suppressing it for ever. This I would myselfhave undertakenhad my health permittedat the annual expense of theabove-mentioned sum.

After having stood the terrible six weekswhich succeeded last Christmasand put a lucky endif they had known their ownintereststo such numbers of aged and infirm valetudinarianswho might havegasped through two or three mild winters moreI returned to town in Februaryin a condition less despaired of by myself than by any of my friends. I nowbecame the patient of Dr. Wardwho wished I had taken his advice earlier.

By his advice I was tappedand fourteenquarts of water drawn from my belly. The sudden relaxation which this causedadded to my enervateemaciated habit of bodyso weakened me that within twodays I was thought to be falling into the agonies of death.

I was at the worst on that memorable day whenthe public lost Mr. Pelham. From that day I began slowlyas it wereto draw myfeet out of the grave; till in two months' time I had again acquired some littledegree of strengthbut was again full of water.

During this whole time I took Mr. Ward'smedicineswhich had seldom any perceptible operation. Those in particular ofthe diaphoretic kindthe working of which is thought to require a greatstrength of constitution to supporthad so little effect on methat Mr. Warddeclared it was as vain to attempt sweating me as a deal board.

 

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In this situation I was tapped a second time.I had one quart of water less taken from me now than before; but I bore all theconsequences of the operation much better. This I attributed greatly to a doseof laudanum prescribed by my surgeon. It first gave me the most delicious flowof spiritsand afterwards as comfortable a nap.

The month of Maywhich was now begunitseemed reasonable to expect would introduce the springand drive of that winterwhich yet maintained its footing on the stage. I resolved therefore to visit alittle house of mine in the countrywhich stands at Ealingin the county ofMiddlesexin the best airI believein the whole kingdomand far superior tothat of Kensington Gravel-pits; for the gravel is here much wider and deeperthe place higher and more open towards the southwhilst it is guarded from thenorth wind by a ridge of hillsand from the smells and smoke of London by itsdistance; which last is not the fate of Kensingtonwhen the wind blows from anycorner of the east.

Obligations to Mr. Ward I shall alwaysconfess; for I am convinced that he omitted no care in endeavoring to serve mewithout any expectation or desire of fee or reward.

The powers of Mr. Ward's remedies want indeedno unfair puffs of mine to give them credit; and though this distemper of thedropsy standsI believefirst in the list of those over which he is alwayscertain of triumphingyetpossiblythere might be something particular in mycase capable of eluding that radical force which had healed so

 

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many thousands. The same distemperin different constitutionsmay possibly beattended with such different symptomsthat to find an infallible nostrum forthe curing any one distemper in every patient may be almost as difficult as tofind a panacea for the cure of all.

But even such a panacea one of the greatestscholars and best of men did lately apprehend he had discovered. It is trueindeedhe was no physician; that ishe had not by the forms of his educationacquired a right of applying his skill in the art of physic to his own privateadvantage; and yetperhapsit may be truly asserted that no other modern hathcontributed so much to make his physical skill useful to the public; at leastthat none hath undergone the pains of communicating this discovery in writing tothe world. The readerI thinkwill scarce need to be informed that the writerI mean is the late bishop of Cloynein Irelandand the discovery that of thevirtues of tar-water.

I then happened to recollectupon a hintgiven me by the inimitable and shamefully-distressed author of the FemaleQuixotethat I had many years beforefrom curiosity onlytaken a cursory viewof bishop Berkeley's treatise on the virtues of tar-waterwhich I had formerlyobserved he strongly contends to be that real panacea which Sydenham supposes tohave an existence in naturethough it yet remains undiscoveredand perhapswill always remain so.

Upon the reperusal of this book I found thebishop only asserting his opinion that tar-water

 

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might be useful in the dropsysince he had known it to have a surprisingsuccess in the cure of a most stubborn anasarcawhich is indeed no other thanas the word impliesthe dropsy of the flesh; and this wasat that timealarge part of my complaint.

After a short trialthereforeof a milkdietwhich I presently found did not suit with my caseI betook myself to thebishop's prescriptionand dosed myself every morning and evening with half apint of tar-water.

It was no more than three weeks since my lasttappingand my belly and limbs were distended with water. This did not give methe worse opinion of tar-water; for I never supposed there could be any suchvirtue in tar-water as immediately to carry off a quantity of water alreadycollected. For my delivery from this I well knew I must be again obliged to thetrochar; and that if the tar-water did me any good at all it must be only by theslowest degrees; and that if it should ever get the better of my distemper itmust be by the tedious operation of underminingand not by a sudden attack andstorm.

Some visible effectshoweverand far beyondwhat my most sanguine hopes could with any modesty expectI very soonexperienced; the tar-water havingfrom the very firstlessened my illnessincreased my appetiteand addedthough in a very slow proportionto my bodilystrength.

But if my strength had increased a little mywater daily increased much more. So thatby the end of Maymy belly becameagain ripe for

 

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the trocharand I was a third time tapped; upon whichtwo very favorablesymptoms appeared. I had three quarts of water taken from me less than had beentaken the last time; and I bore the relaxation with much less (indeed withscarce any) faintness.

Those of my physical friends on whose judgmentI chiefly depended seemed to think my only chance of life consisted in havingthe whole summer before me; in which I might hope to gather sufficient strengthto encounter the inclemencies of the ensuing winter. But this chance began dailyto lessen. I saw the summer mouldering awayor ratherindeedthe year passingaway without intending to bring on any summer at all. In the whole month of Maythe sun scarce appeared three times. So that the early fruits came to thefullness of their growthand to some appearance of ripenesswithout acquiringany real maturity; having wanted the heat of the sun to soften and melioratetheir juices. I saw the dropsy gaining rather than losing ground; the distancegrowing still shorter between the tappings. I saw the asthma likewise beginningagain to become more troublesome. I saw the midsummer quarter drawing towards aclose. So that I conceivedif the Michaelmas quarter should steal off in thesame manneras it wasin my opinionvery much to be apprehended it wouldIshould be delivered up to the attacks of winter before I recruited my forcessoas to be anywise able to withstand them.

 

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I now began to recall an intentionwhich fromthe first dawnings of my recovery I had conceivedof removing to a warmerclimate; andfinding this to be approved of by a very eminent physicianIresolved to put it into immediate execution.

Aix in Provence was the place first thoughton; but the difficulties of getting thither were insuperable. The Journey bylandbeside the expense of itwas infinitely too long and fatiguing; and Icould hear of no ship that was likely to set out from Londonwithin anyreasonable timefor Marseillesor any other port in that part of theMediterranean.

Lisbon was presently fixed on in its room. Theair hereas it was near four degrees to the south of Aixmust be more mild andwarmand the winter shorter and less piercing.

It was not difficult to find a ship bound to aplace with which we carry on so immense a trade. Accordinglymy brother sooninformed me of the excellent accommodations for passengers which were to befound on board a ship that was obliged to sail for Lisbon in three days.

I eagerly embraced the offernotwithstandingthe shortness of the time; andhaving given my brother full power to contractfor our passageI began to prepare my family for the voyage with the utmostexpedition.

But our great haste was needless; for thecaptain having twice put off his sailingI at length invited him to dinner withme at Fordhooka full

 

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week after the time on which he had declaredand that with many asseverationshe must and would weigh anchor.

He dined with me according to his appointment;and when all matters were settled between usleft me with positive orders to beon board the Wednesday followingwhen he declared he would fall down the riverto Gravesendand would not stay a moment for the greatest man in the world.

He advised me to go to Gravesend by landandthere wait the arrival of his shipassigning many reasons for thisevery oneof which wasas I well rememberamong those that had before determined me togo on board near the Tower.



[13] A predecessor of mine used to boast that he made one thousand pounds a-yearin his office; but how he did this (if indeed he did it) is to me a secret. Hisclerknow minetold me I had more business than he had ever known there; I amsure I had as much as any man could do. The truth isthe fees are so very lowwhen any are dueand so much is done for nothingthatif a single justice ofpeace had business enough to employ twenty clerksneither he nor they would getmuch by their labor. The public will notthereforeI hopethink I betray asecret when I inform them that I received from the Government a yearly pensionout of the public service money; whichI believeindeedwould have beenlarger had my great patron been convinced of an errorwhich I have heard himutter more than oncethat he could not indeed say that the acting as aprincipal justice of peace in Westminster was on all accounts very desirablebut that all the world knew it was a very lucrative office. Nowto have shownhim plainly that a man must be a rogue to make a very little this wayand thathe could not make much by being as great a rogue as he could bewould haverequired more confidence thanI believehe had in meand more of hisconversation than he chose to allow me; I therefore resigned the office and thefarther execution of my plan to my brotherwho had long been my assistant. Andnowlest the case between me and the reader should be the same in bothinstances as it was between me and the great manI will not add another word onthe subject.

 

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THE VOYAGE

WEDNESDAYJune261754. -- On this day the most melancholy sun I had ever beheld aroseandfound me awake at my house at Fordhook. By the light of this sun I wasin myown opinionlast to behold and take leave of some of those creatures on whom Idoted with a mother-like fondnessguided by nature and passionand uncured andunhardened by all the doctrine of that philosophical school where I had learnedto bear pains and to despise death.

In this situationas I could not conquerNatureI submitted entirely to herand she made as great a fool of me as shehad ever done of any woman whatsoever; under pretense of giving me leave toenjoyshe drew me in to sufferthe company of my little ones during eighthours; and I doubt not whetherin that timeI did not undergo more than in allmy distemper.

At twelve precisely my coach was at the doorwhich was no sooner told me than I kissed my children roundand went into itwith some little resolution. My wifewho behaved more like a heroine andphilosopherthough at the same time the tenderest mother in the worldand myeldest daughterfollowed me; some friends went with usand others here tooktheir leave; and I heard my behavior applaudedwith many murmurs and

 

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praises to which I well knew I had no title; as all other such philosophers mayif they have any modestyconfess on the like occasions.

In two hours we arrived in Rotherhitheandimmediately went on boardand were to have sailed the next morning; butasthis was the king's proclamation-dayand consequently a holiday at thecustom-housethe captain could not clear his vessel till the Thursday; forthese holidays are as strictly observed as those in the popish calendarand arealmost as numerous. I might add that both are opposite to the genius of tradeand consequently contra bonum publicum.

To go on board the ship it was necessary firstto go into a boat; a matter of no small difficultyas I had no use of my limbsand was to be carried by men whothough sufficiently strong for their burdenwerelike Archimedespuzzled to find a steady footing. Of thisas few of myreaders have not gone into wherries on the Thamesthey will easily be able toform to themselves an idea. Howeverby the assistance of my friendMr. Welchwhom I never think or speak of but with love and esteemI conquered thisdifficultyas I did afterwards that of ascending the shipinto which I washoisted with more ease by a chair lifted with pulleys. I was soon seated in agreat chair in the cabinto refresh myself after a fatigue which had been moreintolerablein a quarter of a mile's passage from my coach to the shipthan Ihad before undergone in a land-journey of twelve mileswhich I had traveledwith the utmost expedition.

 

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This latter fatigue wasperhapssomewhatheightened by an indignation which I could not prevent arising in my mind. Ithinkupon my entrance into the boatI presented a spectacle of the highesthorror. The total loss of limbs was apparent to all who saw meand my facecontained marks of a most diseased stateif not of death itself. Indeedsoghastly was my countenancethat timorous women with child had abstained from myhousefor fear of the ill consequences of looking at me. In this condition Iran the gauntlope (so I think I may justly call it) through rows of sailors andwatermenfew of whom failed of paying their compliments to me by all manner ofinsults and jests on my misery. No man who knew me will think I conceived anypersonal resentment at this behavior; but it was a lively picture of thatcruelty and inhumanity in the nature of men which I have often contemplated withconcernand which leads the mind into a train of very uncomfortable andmelancholy thoughts. It may be said that this barbarous custom is peculiar tothe Englishand of them only to the lowest degree; that it is an excrescence ofan uncontrolled licentiousness mistaken for libertyand never shows itself inmen who are polished and refined in such manner as human nature requires toproduce that perfection of which it is susceptibleand to purge away thatmalevolence of disposition of whichat our birthwe partake in common with thesavage creation.

This may be saidand this is all that can besaid; and it isI am afraidbut little satisfactory

 

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to account for the inhumanity of those whowhile they boast of being made afterGod's own imageseem to bear in their minds a resemblance of the vilest speciesof brutes; or ratherindeedof our idea of devils; for I don't know that anybrutes can be taxed with such malevolence.

A sirloin of beef was now placed on the tablefor whichthough little better than carrionas much was charged by the masterof the little paltry ale-house who dressed it as would have been demanded forall the elegance of the King's Armsor any other polite tavern or eating-house!forindeedthe difference between the best house and the worst isthat at theformer you pay largely for luxuryat the latter for nothing.

ThursdayJune27. -- This morning the captainwho lay on shore at his own housepaid us avisit in the cabinand behaved like an angry bashawdeclaring thathad heknown we were not to be pleasedhe would not have carried us for five hundredpounds. He added many asseverations that he was a gentlemanand despised money;not forgetting several hints of the presents which had been made him for hiscabinof twentythirtyand forty guineasby several gentlemenover andabove the sum for which they had contracted. This behavior greatly surprised meas I knew not how to account for itnothing having happened since we partedfrom the captain the evening before in perfect good humor; and all this brokeforth on the first moment of his arrival this morning. He did nothoweversuffer my amazement to have any long continuance before he clearly

 

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showed me that all this was meant only as an apology to introduce anotherprocrastination (being the fifth) of his weighing anchorwhich was nowpostponed till Saturdayfor such was his will and pleasure.

Besides the disagreeable situation in which wethen layin the confines of Wapping and Rotherhithetasting a deliciousmixture of the air of both these sweet placesand enjoying the concord of sweetsounds of seamenwatermenfish-womenoyster-womenand of all the vociferousinhabitants of both shorescomposing altogether a greater variety of harmonythan Hogarth's imagination hath brought together in that print of hiswhich isenough to make a man deaf to look at -- I had a more urgent cause to press ourdeparturewhich wasthat the dropsyfor which I had undergone three tappingsseemed to threaten me with a fourth discharge before I should reach Lisbonandwhen I should have nobody on board capable of performing the operation; but Iwas obliged to hearken to the voice of reasonif I may use the captain's ownwordsand to rest myself contented. Indeedthere was no alternative within myreach but what would have cost me much too dear.

There are many evils in society from whichpeople of the highest rank are so entirely exemptthat they have not the leastknowledge or idea of them; nor indeed of the characters which are formed bythem. Suchfor instanceis the conveyance of goods and passengers from oneplace to another. Now there is no such thing as any kind of knowledgecontemptible in itself; andas the particular

 

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knowledge I here mean is entirely necessary to the well understanding and wellenjoying this journal; andlastlyas in this case the most ignorant will bethose very readers whose amusement we chiefly consultand to whom we wish to besupposed principally to writewe will here enter somewhat largely into thediscussion of this matter; the ratherfor that no ancient or modern author (ifwe can trust the catalogue of doctor Mead's library) hath ever undertaken itbut that it seems (in the style of Don Quixote) a task reserved for my penalone.

When I first conceived this intention I beganto entertain thoughts of inquiring into the antiquity of traveling; andas manypersons have performed in this way (I mean have traveled) at the expense of thepublicI flattered myself that the spirit of improving arts and sciencesandof advancing useful and substantial learningwhich so eminently distinguishesthis ageand hath given rise to more speculative societies in Europe than I atpresent can recollect the names of -- perhapsindeedthan I or any otherbesides their very near neighborsever heard mentioned -- would assist inpromoting so curious a work; a work begun with the same viewscalculated forthe same purposesand fitted for the same useswith the labors which thoseright honorable societies have so cheerfully undertaken themselvesandencouraged in others; sometimes with the highest honorseven with admissioninto their collegesand with enrollment among their members.

From these societies I promised myself allassistance

 

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in their powerparticularly the communication of such valuable manuscripts andrecords as they must be supposed to have collected from those obscure ages ofantiquity when history yields us such imperfect accounts of the residenceandmuch more imperfect of the travelsof the human race; unlessperhapsas acurious and learned member of the young Society of Antiquarians is said to havehinted his conjecturesthat their residence and their travels were one and thesame; and this discovery (for such it seems to be) he is said to have owed tothe lighting by accident on a bookwhich we shall have occasion to mentionpresentlythe contents of which were then little known to the society.

The king of Prussiamoreoverwhofrom adegree of benevolence and taste which in either case is a rare production in sonorthern a climateis the great encourager of art and scienceI was wellassured would promote so useful a designand order his archives to be searchedon my behalf.

But after well weighing all these advantagesand much meditation on the order of my workmy whole design was subverted in amoment by hearing of the discovery just mentioned to have been made by the youngantiquarianwhofrom the most ancient record in the world (though I don't findthe society are all agreed on this point)one long preceding the date of theearliest modern collectionseither of books or butterfliesnone of whichpretend to go beyond the floodshows us that the first man was a travelerandthat he and his family were scarce settled in Paradise before

 

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they disliked their own homeand became passengers to another place. Hence itappears that the humor of traveling is as old as the human raceand that it wastheir curse from the beginning.

By this discovery my plan became muchshortenedand I found it only necessary to treat of the conveyance of goods andpassengers from place to place; whichnot being universally knownseemedproper to be explained before we examined into its original. There are indeedtwo different ways of tracing all things used by the historian and theantiquary; these are upwards and downwards. The former shows you how things areand leaves to others to discover when they began to be so. The latter shows youhow things wereand leaves their present existence to be examined by others.Hence the former is more usefulthe latter more curious. The former receivesthe thanks of mankind; the latter of that valuable partthe virtuosi.

In explainingthereforethis mystery ofcarrying goods and passengers from one place to anotherhitherto so profound asecret to the very best of our readerswe shall pursue the historical methodand endeavor to show by what means it is at present performedreferring themore curious inquiry either to some other pen or to some other opportunity.

Now there are two general ways of performing(if God permit) this conveyanceviz.by land and waterboth of which havemuch variety; that by land being performed in different vehiclessuch ascoachescaravanswagonsetc.; and that by water

 

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in shipsbargesand boatsof various sizes and denominations. Butas allthese methods of conveyance are formed on the same principlesthey agree sowell togetherthat it is fully sufficient to comprehend them all in the generalviewwithout descending to such minute particulars as would distinguish onemethod from another.

Common to all of these is one generalprinciple thatas the goods to be conveyed are usually the largerso they areto be chiefly considered in the conveyance; the owner being indeed little morethan an appendage to his trunkor boxor baleor at best a small part of hisown baggagevery little care is to be taken in stowing or packing them up withconvenience to himself; for the conveyance is not of passengers and goodsbutof goods and passengers.

Secondlyfrom this conveyance arises a newkind of relationor rather of subjectionin the societyby which thepassenger becomes bound in allegiance to his conveyer. This allegiance is indeedonly temporary and localbut the most absolute during its continuance of anyknown in Great Britainandto say truthscarce consistent with the libertiesof a free peoplenor could it be reconciled with themdid it not movedownwards; a circumstance universally apprehended to be incompatible to allkinds of slavery; for Aristotle in his Politics hath proved abundantly to mysatisfaction that no men are born to be slavesexcept barbarians; and theseonly to such as are not themselves barbarians; and indeed Mr. Montesquieu hathcarried it very little farther in the case of the

 

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Africans; the real truth being that no man is born to be a slaveunless to himwho is able to make him so.

Thirdlythis subjection is absoluteandconsists of a perfect resignation both of body and soul to the disposal ofanother; after which resignationduring a certain timehis subject retains nomore power over his own will than an Asiatic slaveor an English wifeby thelaws of both countriesand by the customs of one of them. If I should mentionthe instance of a stage-coachmanmany of my readers would recognize the truthof what I have here observed; allindeedthat ever have been under thedominion of that tyrantwho in this free country is as absolute as a Turkishbashaw. In two particulars only his power is defective; he cannot press you intohis serviceand if you enter yourself at one placeon condition of beingdischarged at a certain time at anotherhe is obliged to perform his agreementif God permitbut all the intermediate time you are absolutely under hisgovernment; he carries you how he willwhen he willand whither he willprovided it be not much out of the road; you have nothing to eat or to drinkbut whatand whenand where he pleases. Nayyou cannot sleep unless hepleases you should; for he will order you sometimes out of bed at midnight andhurry you away at a moment's warning: indeedif you can sleep in his vehicle hecannot prevent it; nayindeedto give him his duethis he is ordinarilydisposed to encourage: for the earlier he forces yon to rise in the morningthemore time he will give you in the

 

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heat of the daysometimes even six hours at an ale-houseor at their doorswhere he always gives you the same indulgence which he allows himself; and forthis he is generally very moderate in his demands. I have known a whole bundleof passengers charged no more than half-a-crown for being suffered to remainquiet at an ale-house door for above a whole hourand that even in the hottestday in summer.

But as this kind of tyrannythough it hathescaped our political writershath been I think touched by our dramaticand ismore trite among the generality of readers; and as this and all other kinds ofsuch subjection are alike unknown to my friendsI will quit the passengers bylandand treat of those who travel by water; for whatever is said on thissubject is applicable to both alikeand we may bring them together as closelyas they are brought in the liturgywhen they are recommended to the prayers ofall Christian congregations; and (which I have often thought very remarkable)where they are joined with other miserable wretchessuch as women in laborpeople in sicknessinfants just bornprisoners and captives.

Goods and passengers are conveyed by water indivers vehiclesthe principal of which being a shipit shall suffice tomention that alone. Here the tyrant doth not derive his titleas thestage-coachman dothfrom the vehicle itself in which he stows his goods andpassengersbut he is called the captain -- a word of such various use anduncertain significationthat it seems very difficult to fix any positive ideato it: ifindeedthere be any

 

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general meaning which may comprehend all its different usesthat of the head orchief of any body of men seems to be most capable of this comprehension; forwhether they be a company of soldiersa crew of sailorsor a gang of rogueshe who is at the head of them is always styled the captain.

The particular tyrant whose fortune it was tostow us aboard laid a farther claim to this appellation than the bare command ofa vehicle of conveyance. He had been the captain of a privateerwhich he choseto call being in the king's serviceand thence derived a right of hoisting themilitary ornament of a cockade over the button of his hat. He likewise wore asword of no ordinary length by his sidewith which he swaggered in his cabinamong the wretches his passengerswhom he had stowed in cupboards on each side.He was a person of a very singular character. He had taken it into his head thathe was a gentlemanfrom those very reasons that proved he was not one; and toshow himself a fine gentlemanby a behavior which seemed to insinuate he hadnever seen one. He wasmoreovera man of gallantry; at the age of seventy hehad the finicalness of Sir Courtly Nicewith the roughness of Surly; andwhilehe was deaf himselfhad a voice capable of deafening all others.

Nowas I saw myself in danger by the delaysof the captainwho wasin realitywaiting for more freightand as the windhad been long nestedas it werein the southwestwhere it constantly blewhurricanesI began with great reason to apprehend

 

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that our voyage might be longand that my bellywhich began already to be muchextendedwould require the water to be let out at a time when no assistance wasat hand; thoughindeedthe captain comforted me with assurances that he had apretty young fellow on board who acted as his surgeonas I found he likewisedid as stewardcookbutlersailor. In shorthe had as many offices as Scrubin the playand went through them all with great dexterity; this of surgeonwasperhapsthe only one in which his skill was somewhat deficientat leastthat branch of tapping for the dropsy; for he very ingenuously and modestlyconfessed he had never seen the operation performednor was possessed of thatchirurgical instrument with which it is performed.

FridayJune28. -- By way of preventionthereforeI this day sent for my friendMr.Hunterthe great surgeon and anatomist of Covent-garden; andthough my bellywas not yet very full and tightlet out ten quarts of water; the youngsea-surgeon attended the operationnot as a performerbut as a student.

I was now eased of the greatest apprehensionwhich I had from the length of the passage; and I told the captain I was becomeindifferent as to the time of his sailing. He expressed much satisfaction inthis declarationand at hearing from me that I found myselfsince my tappingmuch lighter and better. In thisI believehe was sincere; for he wasas weshall have occasion to observe more than oncea very good-natured man; andashe was a very brave one tooI found that the

 

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heroic constancy with which I had borne an operation that is attended withscarce any degree of pain had not a little raised me in his esteem. That hemight adherethereforein the most religious and rigorous manner to his wordwhen he had no longer any temptation from interest to break itas he had nolonger any hopes of more goods or passengershe ordered his ship to fall downto Gravesend on Sunday morningand there to wait his arrival.

SundayJune30. -- Nothing worth notice passed till that morningwhen my poor wifeafterpassing a night in the utmost torments of the toothacheresolved to have itdrawn. I despatched therefore a servant into Wapping to bring in haste the besttooth-drawer he could find. He soon found out a female of great eminence in theart; but when he brought her to the boatat the watersidethey were informedthat the ship was gone; for indeed she had set out a few minutes after hisquitting her; nor did the pilotwho well knew the errand on which I had sent myservantthink fit to wait a moment for his returnor to give me any notice ofhis setting outthough I had very patiently attended the delays of the captainfour daysafter many solemn promises of weighing anchor every one of the threelast.

But of all the petty bashaws or turbulenttyrants I ever beheldthis sour-faced pilot was the worst tempered; forduringthe time that he had the guidance of the shipwhich was till we arrived in theDownshe complied with no one's desires

 

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nor did he give a civil wordor indeed a civil lookto any on board.

The tooth-drawerwhoas I said beforewasone of great eminence among her neighborsrefused to follow the ship; so thatmy man made himself the best of his wayand with some difficulty came up withus before we were got under full sail; for after thatas we had both wind andtide with ushe would have found it impossible to overtake the ship till shewas come to an anchor at Gravesend.

The morning was fair and brightand we had apassage thitherI thinkas pleasant as can be conceived: fortake it with allits advantagesparticularly the number of fine ships you are always sure ofseeing by the waythere is nothing to equal it in all the rivers of the world.The yards of Deptford and of Woolwich are noble sightsand give us a just ideaof the great perfection to which we are arrived in building those floatingcastlesand the figure which we may always make in Europe among the othermaritime powers. That of Woolwichat leastvery strongly imprinted this ideaon my mind; for there was now on the stocks there the Royal Annesupposed to bethe largest ship ever builtand which contains ten carriage-guns more than hadever yet equipped a first-rate.

It is trueperhapsthat there is more ofostentation than of real utility in ships of this vast and unwieldy burdenwhich are rarely capable of acting against an enemy; but if the building such

 

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contributes to preserveamong other nationsthe notion of the Britishsuperiority in naval affairsthe expensethough very greatis well incurredand the ostentation is laudable and truly political. IndeedI should be sorryto allow that HollandFranceor Spainpossessed a vessel larger and morebeautiful than the largest and most beautiful of ours; for this honor I wouldalways administer to the pride of our sailorswho should challenge it from alltheir neighbors with truth and success. And sure I am that not our honest tarsalonebut every inhabitant of this islandmay exult in the comparisonwhen heconsiders the king of Great Britain as a maritime princein opposition to anyother prince in Europe; but I am not so certain that the same idea ofsuperiority will result from comparing our land forces with those of many othercrowned heads. In numbers they all far exceed usand in the goodness andsplendor of their troops many nationsparticularly the Germans and Frenchandperhaps the Dutchcast us at a distance; forhowever we may flatter ourselveswith the Edwards and Henrys of former agesthe change of the whole art of warsince those daysby which the advantage of personal strength is in a mannerentirely losthath produced a change in military affairs to the advantage ofour enemies. As for our successes in later daysif they were not entirely owingto the superior genius of our generalthey were not a little due to thesuperior force of his money. Indeedif we should arraign marshal Saxe ofostentation when he showed his armydrawn upto our

 

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captive generalthe day after the battle of La Valwe cannot say that theostentation was entirely vain; since he certainly showed him an army which hadnot been often equaledeither in the number or goodness of the troopsandwhichin those respectsso far exceeded oursthat none can ever cast anyreflection on the brave young prince who could not reap the laurels of conquestin that day; but his retreat will be always mentioned as an addition to hisglory.

In our marine the case is entirely thereverseand it must be our own fault if it doth not continue so; for continueso it will as long as the flourishing state of our trade shall support itandthis support it can never want till our legislature shall cease to givesufficient attention to the protection of our tradeand our magistrates wantsufficient powerabilityand honestyto execute the laws; a circumstance notto be apprehendedas it cannot happen till our senates and our benches shall befilled with the blindest ignoranceor with the blackest corruption.

Besides the ships in the dockswe saw many onthe water: the yachts are sights of great paradeand the king's body yacht isI believeunequaled in any country for convenience as well as magnificence;both which are consulted in building and equipping her with the most exquisiteart and workmanship.

We saw likewise several Indiamen just returnedfrom their voyage. These areI believethe largest and finest vessels whichare anywhere employed in commercial affairs. The colliers

 

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likewisewhich are very numerousand even assemble in fleetsare ships ofgreat bulk; and if we descend to those used in the AmericanAfricanandEuropean tradesand pass through those which visit our own coaststo the smallcraft that lie between Chatham and the Towerthe whole forms a most pleasingobject to the eyeas well as highly warming to the heart of an Englishman whohas any degree of love for his countryor can recognize any effect of thepatriot in his constitution.

Lastlythe Royal Hospital at Greenwichwhichpresents so delightful a front to the waterand doth such honor at once to itsbuilder and the nationto the great skill and ingenuity of the oneand to theno less sensible gratitude of the othervery properly closes the account ofthis scene; which may well appear romantic to those who have not themselves seenthatin this one instancetruth and reality are capableperhapsof exceedingthe power of fiction.

When we had passed by Greenwich we saw onlytwo or three gentlemen's housesall of very moderate accounttill we reachedGravesend: these are all on the Kentish shorewhich affords a much dryerwholesomerand pleasanter situationthan doth that of its oppositeEssex.This circumstanceI ownis somewhat surprising to mewhen I reflect on thenumerous villas that crowd the river from Chelsea upwards as far as Sheppertonwhere the narrower channel affords not half so noble a prospectand where thecontinual succession of the small craftlike the frequent repetition

 

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of all thingswhich have nothing in them greatbeautifulor admirabletirethe eyeand give us distaste and aversioninstead of pleasure. With some ofthese situationssuch as BarnesMortlakeetc.even the shore of Essex mightcontendnot upon very unequal terms; but on the Kentish borders there are manyspots to be chosen by the builder which might justly claim the preference overalmost the very finest of those in Middlesex and Surrey.

How shall we account for this depravity intaste? for surely there are none so very mean and contemptible as to bring thepleasure of seeing a number of little wherriesgliding along after one anotherin competition with what we enjoy in viewing a succession of shipswith alltheir sails expanded to the windsbounding over the waves before us.

And here I cannot pass by another observationon the deplorable want of taste in our enjoymentswhich we show by almosttotally neglecting the pursuit of what seems to me the highest degree ofamusement; this isthe sailing ourselves in little vessels of our owncontrived only for our ease and accommodationto which such situations of ourvillas as I have recommended would be so convenientand even necessary.

This amusementI confessif enjoyed in anyperfectionwould be of the expensive kind; but such expense would not exceedthe reach of a moderate fortuneand would fall very short of the prices whichare daily paid for pleasures of a far inferior rate. The truthI believeisthat

 

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sailing in the manner I have just mentioned is a pleasure rather unknownorunthought ofthan rejected by those who have experienced it; unlessperhapsthe apprehension of danger or seasickness may be supposedby the timorous anddelicateto make too large deductions -- insisting that all their enjoymentsshall come to them pure and unmixedand being ever ready to cry out

-- -- Nocet empta dolore voluptas.

Thishoweverwas my present case; for the ease and lightnesswhich I felt from my tappingthe gayety of the morningthe pleasant sailingwith wind and tideand the many agreeable objects with which I was constantlyentertained during the whole waywere all suppressed and overcome by the singleconsideration of my wife's painwhich continued incessantly to torment her tillwe came to an anchorwhen I dispatched a messenger in great haste for the bestreputed operator in Gravesend. A surgeon of some eminence now appearedwho didnot decline tooth-drawingthough he certainly would have been offended with theappellation of tooth-drawer no less than his brethrenthe members of thatvenerable bodywould be with that of barbersince the late separation betweenthose long-united companiesby whichif the surgeons have gained muchthebarbers are supposed to have lost very little.

This able and careful person (for so I sincerely believe heis) after examining the guilty toothdeclared that it was such a rotten shelland so placed at the very remotest end of the upper jaw

 

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where it was in a manner covered and secured by a large fine firm tooththat hedespaired of his power of drawing it.

He saidindeedmore to my wifeand used more rhetoric todissuade her from having it drawnthan is generally employed to persuade youngladies to prefer a pain of three moments to one of three months' continuanceespecially if those young ladies happen to be past forty and fifty years of agewhenby submitting to support a racking tormentthe only good circumstanceattending which isit is so short that scarce one in a thousand can cry out ``Ifeel it'' they are to do a violence to their charmsand lose one of thosebeautiful holders with which alone Sir Courtly Nice declares a lady can ever layhold of his heart.

He said at last so muchand seemed to reason so justlythatI came over to his sideand assisted him in prevailing on my wife (for it wasno easy matter) to resolve on keeping her tooth a little longerand to applypalliatives only for relief. These were opium applied to the toothand blistersbehind the ears.

Whilst we were at dinner this day in the cabinon a suddenthe window on one side was beat into the room with a crash as if atwenty-pounder had been discharged among us. We were all alarmed at thesuddenness of the accidentfor whichhoweverwe were soon able to accountfor the sashwhich was shivered all to pieceswas pursued into the middle ofthe cabin by the bowsprit of a little ship called a cod-smackthe master ofwhich made us amends for running (carelessly at best) against

 

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usand injuring the shipin the sea-way; that is to sayby damning us all tohelland uttering several pious wishes that it had done us much more mischief.All which were answered in their own kind and phrase by our menbetween whomand the other crew a dialogue of oaths and scurrility was carried on as long asthey continued in each other's hearing.

It is difficultI thinkto assign a satisfactory reason whysailors in general shouldof all othersthink themselves entirely dischargedfrom the common bands of humanityand should seem to glory in the language andbehavior of savages! They see more of the worldand havemost of thema moreerudite education than is the portion of landmen of their degree. Nor do Ibelieve that in any country they visit (Holland itself not excepted) they canever find a parallel to what daily passes on the river Thames. Is it that theythink true courage (for they are the bravest fellows upon earth) inconsistentwith all the gentleness of a humane carriageand that the contempt of civilorder springs up in minds but little cultivatedat the same time and from thesame principles with the contempt of danger and death? Is it -- ? in shortitis so; and how it comes to be so I leave to form a question in the Robin HoodSocietyor to he propounded for solution among the enigmas in the Woman'sAlmanac for the next year.

MondayJuly 1. -- This day Mr.Welch took his leave of me after dinneras did a young lady of her sisterwhowas proceeding with my wife to

 

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Lisbon. They both set out together in a post-chaise for London.

Soon after their departure our cabinwhere my wife and I weresitting togetherwas visited by two ruffianswhose appearance greatlycorresponded with that of the sheriffsor rather the knight-marshal's bailiffs.One of these especiallywho seemed to affect a more than ordinary degree ofrudeness and insolencecame in without any kind of ceremonywith a broad goldlace on his hatwhich was cocked with much military fierceness on his head. Aninkhorn at his buttonhole and some papers in his hand sufficiently assured mewhat he wasand I asked him if he and his companion were not custom-houseofficers: he answered with sufficient dignity that they wereas an informationwhich he seemed to conclude would strike the hearer with aweand suppress allfurther inquiry; buton the contraryI proceeded to ask of what rank he was inthe custom-houseandreceiving an answer from his companionas I rememberthat the gentleman was a riding surveyorI replied that he might be a ridingsurveyorbut could be no gentlemanfor that none who had any title to thatdenomination would break into the presence of a lady without an apology or evenmoving his hat. He then took his covering from his head and laid it on thetablesayinghe asked pardonand blamed the matewho shouldhe saidhaveinformed him if any persons of distinction were below. I told him he might guessby our appearance (whichperhapswas

 

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rather more than could be said with the strictest adherence to truth) that hewas before a gentleman and ladywhich should teach him to be very civil in hisbehaviorthough we should not happen to be of that number whom the world callspeople of fashion and distinction. HoweverI saidthat as he seemed sensibleof his errorand had asked pardonthe lady would permit him to put his hat onagain if he chose it. This he refused with some degree of surlinessand failednot to convince me thatif I should condescend to become more gentlehe wouldsoon grow more rude.

I now renewed a reflectionwhich I have often seen occasionto makethat there is nothing so incongruous in nature as any kind of powerwith lowness of mind and of abilityand that there is nothing more deplorablethan the want of truth in the whimsical notion of Platowho tells us that``Saturnwell knowing the state of human affairsgave us kings and rulersnotof human but divine original; foras we make not shepherds of sheepnoroxherds of oxennor goatherds of goatsbut place some of our own kind over allas being better and fitter to govern them; in the same manner were demons by thedivine love set over us as a race of beings of a superior order to menand whowith great ease to themselvesmight regulate our affairs and establish peacemodestyfreedomand justiceandtotally destroying all seditionmightcomplete the happiness of the human race. So farat leastmay even now be saidwith truththat in all states which are under the government of mere manwithout any divine assistance

 

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there is nothing but labor and misery to be found. From what I have saidthereforewe may at least learnwith our utmost endeavorsto imitate theSaturnian institution; borrowing all assistance from our immortal partwhile wepay to this the strictest obediencewe should form both our private economy andpublic policy from its dictates. By this dispensation of our immortal minds weare to establish a law and to call it by that name. But if any government be inthe hands of a single personof the fewor of the manyand such governor orgovernors shall abandon himself or themselves to the unbridled pursuit of thewildest pleasures or desiresunable to restrain any passionbut possessed withan insatiable bad disease; if such shall attempt to governand at the same timeto trample on all lawsthere can be no means of preservation left for thewretched people.'' Plato de Leg.lib. iv. p. 713c. 714edit. Serrani.

It is true that Plato is here treating of the highest orsovereign power in a statebut it is as true that his observations are generaland may be applied to all inferior powers; andindeedevery subordinate degreeis immediately derived from the highest; andas it is equally protected by thesame force and sanctified by the same authorityis alike dangerous to thewell-being of the subject.

Of all powersperhapsthere is none so sanctified andprotected as this which is under our present consideration. So numerousindeedand strongare the sanctions given to it by many acts of parliamentthathaving once established the

 

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laws of customs on merchandiseit seems to have been the sole view of thelegislature to strengthen the hands and to protect the persons of the officerswho became established by those lawsmany of whom are so far from bearing anyresemblance to the Saturnian institutionand to be chosen from a degree ofbeings superior to the rest of human racethat they sometimes seemindustriously picked out of the lowest and vilest orders of mankind.

There isindeednothingso useful to man in generalnor sobeneficial to particular societies and individualsas trade. This is that almamater at whose plentiful breast all mankind are nourished. It is truelikeother parentsshe is not always equally indulgent to all her childrenbutthough she gives to her favorites a vast proportion of redundancy andsuperfluitythere are very few whom she refuses to supply with theconveniencesand none with the necessariesof life.

Such a benefactress as this must naturally be beloved bymankind in general; it would be wonderfulthereforeif her interest was notconsidered by themand protected from the fraud and violence of some of herrebellious offspringwhocoveting more than their share or more than shethinks proper to allow themare daily employed in meditating mischief againstherand in endeavoring to steal from their brethren those shares which thisgreat alma mater had allowed them.

At length our governor came on boardand about six in theevening we weighed anchorand

 

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fell down to the Norewhither our passage was extremely pleasantthe eveningbeing very delightfulthe moon just past the fulland both wind and tidefavorable to us.

TuesdayJuly 2. -- This morning weagain set sailunder all the advantages we had enjoyed the evening before. Thisday we left the shore of Essex and coasted along Kentpassing by the pleasantisland of Thanetwhich is an islandand that of Sheppywhich is not anislandand about three o 'clockthe wind being now full in our teethwe cameto an anchor in the Downswithin two miles of Deal. -- My wifehaving sufferedintolerable pain from her toothagain renewed her resolution of having itdrawnand another surgeon was sent for from Dealbut with no better successthan the former. He likewise declined the operationfor the same reason whichhad been assigned by the former: howeversuch was her resolutionbacked withpainthat he was obliged to make the attemptwhich concluded more in honor ofhis judgment than of his operation; forafter having put my poor wife toinexpressible tormenthe was obliged to leave her tooth in statu quo; and shehad now the comfortable prospect of a long fit of painwhich might have lastedher whole voyagewithout any possibility of relief.

In these pleasing sensationsof which I had my just sharenatureovercome with fatigueabout eight in the evening resigned her to rest-- a circumstance which would have given me some happinesscould I have knownhow to employ those spirits which were raised by it; butunfortunately for

 

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meI was left in a disposition of enjoying an agreeable hour without theassistance of a companionwhich has always appeared to me necessary to suchenjoyment; my daughter and her companion were both retired sea-sick to bed; theother passengers were a rude school-boy of fourteen years old and an illiteratePortuguese friarwho understood no language but his ownin which I had not theleast smattering. The captain was the only person left in whose conversation Imight indulge myself; but unluckilybesides a total ignorance of everything inthe world but a shiphe had the misfortune of being so deafthat to make himhearI will not say understandmy wordsI must run the risk of conveying themto the ears of my wifewhothough in another room (calledI thinkthestate-room -- beingindeeda most stately apartmentcapable of containing onehuman body in lengthif not very talland three bodies in breadth)lay asleepwithin a yard of me. In this situation necessity and choice were one and thesame thing; the captain and I sat down together to a small bowl of punchoverwhich we both soon fell fast asleepand so concluded the evening.

WednesdayJuly 3. -- This morning Iawaked at four o'clock for my distemper seldom suffered me to sleep later. Ipresently got upand had the pleasure of enjoying the sight of a tempestuoussea for four hours before the captain was stirring; for he loved to indulgehimself in morning slumberswhich were attended with a wind-musicmuch moreagreeable to the performers than to

 

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the hearersespecially such as haveas I hadthe privilege of sitting in theorchestra. At eight o 'clock the captain roseand sent his boat on shore. Iordered my man likewise to go in itas my distemper was not of that kind whichentirely deprives us of appetite. Nowthough the captain had well victualledhis ship with all manner of salt provisions for the voyageand had added greatquantities of fresh storesparticularly of vegetablesat Gravesendsuch asbeans and peaswhich had been on board only two daysand had possibly not beengathered above two moreI apprehended I could provide better for myself at Dealthan the ship's ordinary seemed to promise. I accordingly sent for freshprovisions of all kinds from the shorein order to put off the evil day ofstarving as long as possible. My man returned with most of the articles I sentforand I now thought myself in a condition of living a week on my ownprovisions. I therefore ordered my own dinnerwhich I wanted nothing but a cookto dress and a proper fire to dress it at; but those were not to be hadnorindeed any addition to my roast muttonexcept the pleasure of the captain'scompanywith that of the other passengers; for my wife continued the whole dayin a state of dozingand my other femaleswhose sickness did not abate by therolling of the ship at anchorseemed more inclined to empty their stomachs thanto fill them. Thus I passed the whole day (except about an hour at dinner) bymyselfand the evening concluded with the captain as the preceding one haddone; one comfortable piece of news he communicated

 

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to mewhich wasthat he had no doubt of a prosperous wind in the morning; butas he did not divulge the reasons of this confidenceand as I saw none myselfbesides the wind being directly oppositemy faith in this prophecy was notstrong enough to build any great hopes upon.

ThursdayJuly 4. -- This morninghoweverthe captain seemed resolved to fulfill his own predictionswhether thewind would or no; he accordingly weighed anchorandtaking the advantage ofthe tide when the wind was not very boisteroushe hoisted his sails; andas ifhis power had been no less absolute over Æolus than it was over Neptuneheforced the wind to blow him on in its own despite.

But as all men who have ever been at sea well know how weaksuch attempts areand want no authorities of Scripture to prove that the mostabsolute power of a captain of a ship is very contemptible in the wind's eyesodid it befall our noble commanderwhohaving struggled with the wind three orfour hourswas obliged to give overand lost in a few minutes all that he hadbeen so long a-gaining; in shortwe returned to our former stationand oncemore cast anchor in the neighborhood of Deal.

Herethough we lay near the shorethat we might promiseourselves all the emolument which could be derived from itwe found ourselvesdeceived; and that we might with as much conveniency be out of the sight ofland; forexcept when the captain launched forth his own boatwhich he didalways with great reluctance

 

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we were incapable of procuring anything from Dealbut at a price tooexorbitantand beyond the reach even of modern luxury -- the fare of a boatfrom Dealwhich lay at two miles' distancebeing at least three half-crownsandif we had been in any distress for itas many half-guineas; for these goodpeople consider the sea as a large common appendant to their manor; in whichwhen they find any of their fellow-creatures impoundedthey conclude that theyhave a full right of making them pay at their own discretion for theirdeliverance: to say the truthwhether it be that men who live on the sea-shoreare of an amphibious kindand do not entirely partake of human natureorwhatever else may be the reasonthey are so far from taking any share in thedistresses of mankindor of being moved with any compassion for themthat theylook upon them as blessings showered down from aboveand which the more theyimprove to their own usethe greater is their gratitude and piety. Thus atGravesend a sculler requires a shilling for going less way than he would row inLondon for threepence; and at Deal a boat often brings more profit in a day thanit can produce in London in a weekor perhaps in a month; in both places theowner of the boat founds his demand on the necessity and distress of one whostands more or less in absolute want of his assistanceand with the urgency ofthese always rises in the exorbitancy of his demandwithout ever consideringthatfrom these very circumstancesthe power or ease of gratifying such demandis in like proportion lessened. Nowas I

 

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am unwilling that some conclusionswhich may beI am awaretoo justly drawnfrom these observationsshould be imputed to human nature in generalI haveendeavored to account for them in a way more consistent with the goodness anddignity of that nature. However it beit seems a little to reflect on thegovernors of such monsters that they do not take some means to restrain theseimpositionsand prevent them from triumphing any longer in the miseries ofthose who arein many circumstances at leasttheir fellow-creaturesandconsidering the distresses of a wretched seamanfrom his being wrecked to hisbeing barely windboundas a blessing sent among them from aboveand calling itby that blasphemous name.

FridayJuly 5. -- This day I sent aservant on board a man-of-war that was stationed herewith my compliments tothe captainto represent to him the distress of the ladiesand to desire thefavor of his long-boat to conduct us to Doverat about seven miles' distance;and at the same time presumed to make use of a great lady's namethe wife ofthe first lord commissioner of the admiraltywho wouldI told himbe pleasedwith any kindness shown by him towards us in our miserable condition. And this Iam convinced was truefrom the humanity of the ladythough she was entirelyunknown to me.

The captain returned a verbal answer to a long letteracquainting me that what I desired could not be complied withit being a favornot in his power to grant. This might beand I suppose

 

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wastrue; but it is as true thatif he was able to writeand had peninkand paper on boardhe might have sent a written answerand that it was thepart of a gentleman so to have done; but this is a character seldom maintainedon the watery elementespecially by those who exercise any power on it. Everycommander of a vessel here seems to think himself entirely free from all thoserules of decency and civility which direct and restrain the conduct of themembers of a society on shore; and eachclaiming absolute dominion in hislittle wooden worldrules by his own laws and his own discretion. I do notindeedknow so pregnant an instance of the dangerous consequences of absolutepowerand its aptness to intoxicate the mindas that of those petty tyrantswho become such in a momentfrom very well-disposed and social members of thatcommunion in which they affect no superioritybut live in an orderly state oflegal subjection with their fellow-citizens.

SaturdayJuly 6. -- This morningour commanderdeclaring he was sure the wind would changetook the advantageof an ebbing tideand weighed his anchor. His assurancehoweverhad the samecompletionand his endeavors the same successwith his formal trial; and hewas soon obliged to return once more to his old quarters. Just before we let goour anchora small slooprather than submit to yield us an inch of wayranfoul of our shipand carried off her bowsprit. This obstinate frolic would havecost those aboard the sloop very dearif our steersman had not been

 

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too generous to exert his superioritythe certain consequence of which wouldhave been the immediate sinking of the other. This contention of the inferiorwith a might capable of crushing it in an instant may seem to argue no smallshare of folly or madnessas well as of impudence; but I am convinced there isvery little danger in it: contempt is a port to which the pride of man submitsto fly with reluctancebut those who are within it are always in a place of themost assured security; for whosoever throws away his sword prefersindeedaless honorable but much safer means of avoiding danger than he who defendshimself with it. And here we shall offer another distinctionof the truth ofwhich much reading and experience have well convinced usthat as in the mostabsolute governments there is a regular progression of slavery downwardsfromthe top to the bottomthe mischief of which is seldom felt with any great forceand bitterness but by the next immediate degree; so in the most dissolute andanarchical states there is as regular an ascent of what is called rank orconditionwhich is always laying hold of the head of him who is advanced butone step higher on the ladderwho mightif he did not too much despise sucheffortskick his pursuer headlong to the bottom. We will conclude thisdigression with one general and short observationwhich willperhapsset thewhole matter in a clearer light than the longest and most labored harangue.Whereas envy of all things most exposes us to danger from othersso contempt ofall things best secures us from them.

 

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And thuswhile the dung-cart and the sloop are always meditating mischiefagainst the coach and the shipand throwing themselves designedly in their waythe latter consider only their own securityand are not ashamed to break theroad and let the other pass by them.

MondayJuly 8. -- Having passed ourSunday without anything remarkableunless the catching a great number ofwhitings in the afternoon may be thought sowe now set sail on Monday at six o'clockwith a little variation of wind; but this was so very littleand thebreeze itself so smallbut the tide was our best and indeed almost our onlyfriend. This conducted us along the short remainder of the Kentish shore. Herewe passed that cliff of Dover which makes so tremendous a figure in Shakespeareand which whoever reads without being giddymustaccording to Mr. Addison'sobservationhave either a very good head or a very badone; but whichwhoevercontracts any such ideas from the sight ofmust have at least a poetic if not aShakesperian genius. In truthmountainsriversheroesand gods owe greatpart of their existence to the poets; and Greece and Italy do so plentifullyabound in the formerbecause they furnish so glorious a number of the latter;whowhile they bestowed immortality on every little hillock and blind streamleft the noblest rivers and mountains in the world to share the same obscuritywith the eastern and western poetsin which they are celebrated.

This evening we beat the sea of Sussex in sight of Dungenesswith much more pleasure than

 

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progress; for the weather was almost a perfect calmand the moonwhich wasalmost at the fullscarce suffered a single cloud to veil her from our sight.

TuesdayWednesdayJuly 910. --These two days we had much the same fine weatherand made much the same way;but in the evening of the latter day a pretty fresh gale sprung up at N.N.W.which brought us by the morning in sight of the Isle of Wight.

ThursdayJuly 11. -- This galecontinued till towards noon; when the east end of the island bore but littleahead of us. The captain swaggered and declared he would keep the sea; but thewind got the better of himso that about three he gave up the victoryandmaking a sudden tack stood in for the shorepassed by Spithead and Portsmouthand came to an anchor at a place called Ryde on the island.

A most tragical incident fell out this day at sea. While theship was under sailbut making as will appear no great waya kittenone offour of the feline inhabitants of the cabinfell from the window into thewater: an alarm was immediately given to the captainwho was then upon deckand received it with the utmost concern and many bitter oaths. He immediatelygave orders to the steersman in favor of the poor thingas he called it; thesails were instantly slackenedand all handsas the phrase isemployed torecover the poor animal. I wasI ownextremely surprised at all this; lessindeed at the captain's extreme tenderness than at his conceiving anypossibility

 

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of success; for if puss had had nine thousand instead of nine livesI concludedthey had been all lost. The boatswainhoweverhad more sanguine hopesforhaving stripped himself of his jacketbreechesand shirthe leaped boldlyinto the waterand to my great astonishment in a few minutes returned to theshipbearing the motionless animal in his mouth. Nor was thisI observedamatter of such great difficulty as it appeared to my ignoranceand possibly mayseem to that of my fresh-water reader. The kitten was now exposed to air and sunon the deckwhere its lifeof which it retained no symptomswas despaired ofby all.

The captain's humanityif I may so call itdid not sototally destroy his philosophy as to make him yield himself up to affliction onthis melancholy occasion. Having felt his loss like a manhe resolved to showhe could bear it like one; andhaving declared he had rather have lost a caskof rum or brandybetook himself to threshing at backgammon with the Portuguesefriarin which innocent amusement they had passed about two-thirds of theirtime.

But as I haveperhapsa little too wantonly endeavored toraise the tender passions of my readers in this narrativeI should think myselfunpardonable if I concluded it without giving them the satisfaction of hearingthat the kitten at last recoveredto the great joy of the good captainbut tothe great disappointment of some of the sailorswho asserted that the drowninga cat was the very surest way of raising a favorable wind; a

 

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supposition of whichthough we have heard several plausible accountswe willnot presume to assign the true original reason.

FridayJuly 12. -- This day ourladies went ashore at Rydeand drank their afternoon tea at an ale-house therewith great satisfaction: here they were regaled with fresh creamto which theyhad been strangers since they left the Downs.

SaturdayJuly 13. -- The windseeming likely to continue in the same corner where it had been almostconstantly for two months togetherI was persuaded by my wife to go ashore andstay at Ryde till we sailed. I approved the motion much; for though I am a greatlover of the seaI now fancied there was more pleasure in breathing the freshair of the land; but how to get thither was the question; forbeing really thatdead luggage which I considered all passengers to be in the beginning of thisnarrativeand incapable of any bodily motion without external impulseit wasin vain to leave the shipor to determine to do itwithout the assistance ofothers. In one instanceperhapsthe livingluggage is more difficult to bemoved or removed than an equal or much superior weight of dead matter; whichifof the brittle kindmay indeed be liable to be broken through negligence; butthisby proper caremay be almost certainly prevented; whereas the fracturesto which the living lumps are exposed are sometimes by no caution avoidableandoften by no art to be amended.

I was deliberating on the means of conveyancenot so much outof the ship to the boat as out of

 

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a little tottering boat to the land; a matter whichas I had alreadyexperienced in the Thameswas not extremely easywhen to be performed by anyother limbs than your own. Whilst I weighed all that could suggest itself onthis headwithout strictly examining the merit of the several schemes whichwere advanced by the captain and sailorsandindeedgiving no very deepattention even to my wifewhoas well as her friend and my daughterwereexerting their tender concern for my ease and safetyFortunefor I amconvinced she had a hand in itsent me a present of a buck; a present welcomeenough of itselfbut more welcome on account of the vessel in which it camebeing a large hoywhich in some places would pass for a shipand many peoplewould go some miles to see the sight. I was pretty easily conveyed on board thishoy; but to get from hence to the shore was not so easy a task; forhoweverstrange it may appearthe water itself did not extend so far; an instance whichseems to explain those lines of Ovid

Omnia pontus erantdeerant quoque littora ponto

in a less tautological sense than hath generally been imputedto them.

In factbetween the sea and the shore there wasat lowwateran impassable gulfif I may so call itof deep mudwhich could neitherbe traversed by walking nor swimming; so that for near one half of thetwenty-four hours Ryde was inaccessible by friend or foe. But as the magistratesof this place seemed more to desire the

 

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company of the former than to fear that of the latterthey had begun to make asmall causeway to the low-water markso that foot passengers might landwhenever they pleased; but as this work was of a public kindand would havecost a large sum of moneyat least ten poundsand the magistratesthat is tosaythe churchwardensthe overseersconstableand tithingmanand theprincipal inhabitantshad every one of them some separate scheme of privateinterest to advance at the expense of the publicthey fell out amongthemselves; andafter having thrown away one half of the requisite sumresolved at least to save the other halfand rather be contented to sit downlosers themselves than to enjoy any benefit which might bring in a greaterprofit to another. Thus that unanimity which is so necessary in all publicaffairs became wantingand every manfrom the fear of being a bubble toanotherwasin realitya bubble to himself.

Howeveras there is scarce any difficulty to which thestrength of menassisted with the cunning of artis not equalI was at lasthoisted into a small boatand being rowed pretty near the shorewas taken upby two sailorswho waded with me through the mudand placed me in a chair onthe landwhence they afterwards conveyed me a quarter of a mile fartherandbrought me to a house which seemed to bid the fairest for hospitality of any inRyde.

We brought with us our provisions from the shipso that wewanted nothing but a fire to dress our dinnerand a room in which we might eatit.

 

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In neither of these had we any reason to apprehend a disappointmentour dinnerconsisting only of beans and bacon; and the worst apartment in his majesty'sdominionseither at home or abroadbeing fully sufficient to answer ourpresent ideas of delicacy.

Unluckilyhoweverwe were disappointed in both; for when wearrived about four at our innexulting in the hopes of immediately seeing ourbeans smoking on the tablewe had the mortification of seeing them on the tableindeedbut without that circumstance which would have made the sight agreeablebeing in the same state in which we had dispatched them from our ship.

In excuse for this delaythough we had exceededalmostpurposelythe time appointedand our provision had arrived three hours beforethe mistress of the house acquainted us that it was not for want of time todress them that they were not readybut for fear of their being cold orover-done before we should come; which she assured us was much worse thanwaiting a few minutes for our dinner; an observation so very justthat it isimpossible to find any objection in it; butindeedit was not altogether soproper at this timefor we had given the most absolute orders to have themready at fourand had been ourselvesnot without much care and difficultymost exactly punctual in keeping to the very minute of our appointment. Buttradesmeninn-keepersand servantsnever care to indulge us in matterscontrary to our true interestwhich they always know better than ourselves; norcan any bribes corrupt

 

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them to go out of their way while they are consulting our good in our owndespite.

Our disappointment in the other particularin defiance of ourhumilityas it was more extraordinarywas more provoking. In shortMrs.Francis (for that was the name of the good woman of the house) no soonerreceived the news of our intended arrival than she considered more the gentilitythan the humanity of her guestsand applied herself not to that which kindlesbut to that which extinguishes fireandforgetting to put on her potfell towashing her house.

As the messenger who had brought my venison was impatient tobe dispatchedI ordered it to be brought and laid on the table in the roomwhere I was seated; and the table not being large enoughone sideand that avery bloody onewas laid on the brick floor. I then ordered Mrs. Francis to becalled inin order to give her instructions concerning it; in particularwhatI would have roasted and what baked; concluding that she would be highly pleasedwith the prospect of so much money being spent in her house as she might havenow reason to expectif the wind continued only a few days longer to blow fromthe same points whence it had blown for several weeks past.

I soon saw good causeI must confessto despise my ownsagacity. Mrs. Francishaving received her orderswithout making any answersnatched the side from the floorwhich remained stained with bloodandbidding a servant to take up that on the tableleft the room with no pleasant

 

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countenancemuttering to herself that``had she known the litter which was tohave been madeshe would not have taken such pains to wash her house thatmorning. If this was gentilitymuch good may it do such gentlefolks; for herpart she had no notion of it.''

From these murmurs I received two hints. The onethat it wasnot from a mistake of our inclination that the good woman had starved usbutfrom wisely consulting her own dignityor rather perhaps her vanityto whichour hunger was offered up as a sacrifice. The otherthat I was now sitting in adamp rooma circumstancethough it had hitherto escaped my notice from thecolor of the brickswhich was by no means to be neglected in a valetudinarystate.

My wifewhobesides discharging excellently well her own andall the tender offices becoming the female character; whobesides being afaithful friendan amiable companionand a tender nursecould likewise supplythe wants of a decrepit husbandand occasionally perform his parthadbeforethisdiscovered the immoderate attention to neatness in Mrs. Francisandprovided against its ill consequences. She had foundthough not under the sameroofa very snug apartment belonging to Mr. Francisand which had escaped themop by his wife's being satisfied it could not possibly be visited bygentle-folks.

This was a drywarmoaken-floored barnlined on both sideswith wheaten strawand opening at one end into a green field and a beautifulprospect.

 

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Herewithout hesitationshe ordered the cloth to be laidand came hastily tosnatch me from worse perils by water than the common dangers of the sea.

Mrs. Franciswho could not trust her own earsor could notbelieve a footman in so extraordinary a phenomenonfollowed my wifeand askedher if she had indeed ordered the cloth to be laid in the barn? She answered inthe affirmative; upon which Mrs. Francis declared she would not dispute herpleasurebut it was the first time she believed that quality had ever preferreda barn to a house. She showed at the same time the most pregnant marks ofcontemptand again lamented the labor she had undergonethrough her ignoranceof the absurd taste of her guests.

At length we were seated in one of the most pleasant spots Ibelieve in the kingdomand were regaled with our beans and baconin whichthere was nothing deficient but the quantity. This defect was however sodeplorable that we had consumed our whole dish before we had visibly lessenedour hunger. We now waited with impatience the arrival of our second coursewhich necessityand not luxuryhad dictated. This was a joint of mutton whichMrs. Francis had been ordered to provide; but whenbeing tired withexpectationwe ordered our servants to see for something elsewe wereinformed that there was nothing else; on which Mrs. Francisbeing summoneddeclared there was no such thing as mutton to be had at Ryde. When I expressedsome astonishment at their having no butcher in

 

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a village so situatedshe answered they had a very good oneand one thatkilled all sorts of meat in seasonbeef two or three times a yearand muttonthe whole year round; but thatit being then beans and peas timehe killed nomeatby reason he was not sure of selling it. This she had not thought worthyof communicationany more than that there lived a fisherman at next doorwhowas then provided with plenty of solesand whitingsand lobstersfar superiorto those which adorn a city feast. This discovery being made by accidentwecompleted the bestthe pleasantestand the merriest mealwith more appetitemore real solid luxuryand more festivitythan was ever seen in anentertainment at White's.

It may be wondered atperhapsthat Mrs. Francis should be sonegligent of providing for her guestsas she may seem to be thus inattentive toher own interest; but this was not the case; forhaving clapped a poll-tax onour heads at our arrivaland determined at what price to discharge our bodiesfrom her housethe less she suffered any other to share in the levy the clearerit came into her own pocket; and that it was better to get twelve pence in ashilling than ten pencewhich latter would be the case if she afforded us fishat any rate.

Thus we passed a most agreeable day owing to good appetitesand good humor; two hearty feeders which will devour with satisfaction whateverfood you place before them; whereaswithout thesethe elegance of St. James'sthe charde

 

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the perigord-pieor the ortolanthe venisonthe turtleor the custardmaytitillate the throatbut will never convey happiness to the heart orcheerfulness to the countenance.

As the wind appeared still immovablemy wife proposed mylying on shore. I presently agreedthough in defiance of an act of parliamentby which persons wandering abroad and lodging in ale-houses are decreed to berogues and vagabonds; and this too after having been very singularly officiousin putting that law in execution.

My wifehaving reconnoitered the housereported that therewas one room in which were two beds. It was concludedthereforethat she andHarriot should occupy one and myself take possession of the other. She addedlikewise an ingenious recommendation of this room to one who had so long been ina cabinwhich it exactly resembledas it was sunk down with age on one sideand was in the form of a ship with gunwales too.

For my own partI make little doubt but this apartment was anancient templebuilt with the materials of a wreckand probably dedicated toNeptune in honor of THE BLESSING sent by him to the inhabitants; such blessingshaving in all ages been very common to them. The timber employed in it confirmsthis opinionbeing such as is seldom used by ally but ship-builders. I do notfind indeed any mention of this matter in Hearn; but perhaps its antiquity wastoo modern to deserve his notice. Certain it is that this island of Wight wasnot an early convert to Christianity; naythere is some reason to doubt

 

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whether it was ever entirely converted. But I have only time to touch slightlyon things of this kindwhichluckily for uswe have a society whose peculiarprofession it is to discuss and develop.

SundayJuly 19. -- This morningearly I summoned Mrs. Francisin order to pay her the preceding day's account.As I could recollect only two or three articles I thought there was no necessityof pen and ink. In a single instance only we had exceeded what the law allowsgratis to a foot-soldier on his marchviz.vinegarsaltetc.and dressinghis meat. I foundhoweverI was mistaken in my calculation; for when the goodwoman attended with her bill it contained as follows: --

 

£

s.

d.

Bread and beer

0

2

4

Wind

0

2

0

Rum

0

2

0

Dressing dinner

0

3

0

Tea

0

1

6

Firing

0

1

0

Lodging

0

1

6

Servants' lodging

0

0

6

 

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

  
 

£0

13

10

Now that five people and two servants should live a day andnight at a public-house for so small a sum will appear incredible to any personin London above the degree of a chimney-sweeper; but more astonishing will itseem that these people should remain so long at such a house without tasting anyother delicacy than breadsmall

 

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beera teacupful of milk called creama glass of rum converted into punch bytheir own materialsand one bottle of windof which we only tasted asingle glass though possiblyindeedour servants drank the remainder of thebottle.

This wind is a liquor of English manufactureand itsflavor is thought very delicious by the generality of the Englishwho drink itin great quantities. Every seventh year is thought to produce as much as theother six. It is then drank so plentifully that the whole nation are in a mannerintoxicated by it; and consequently very little business is carried on at thatseason.

It resembles in color the red wine which is imported fromPortugalas it doth in its intoxicating quality; henceand from this agreementin the orthographythe one is often confounded with the otherthough both areseldom esteemed by the same person. It is to be had in every parish of thekingdomand a pretty large quantity is consumed in the metropoliswhereseveral taverns are set apart solely for the vendition of this liquorthemasters never dealing in any other.

The disagreement in our computation produced some smallremonstrance to Mrs. Francis on my side; but this received an immediate answer:``She scorned to overcharge gentlemen; her house had been always frequented bythe very best gentry of the island; and she had never had a bill found faultwith in her lifethough she had lived upwards of forty years in the houseandwithin that time the greatest gentry in Hampshire had been at it; and thatlawyer Willis never went to

 

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any other when he came to those parts. That for her part she did not get herlivelihood by travelerswho were gone and awayand she never expected to seethem morebut that her neighbors might come again; whereforeto be suretheyhad the only right to complain.''

She was proceeding thusand from her volubility of tongueseemed likely to stretch the discourse to an immoderate lengthwhen I suddenlycut all short by paying the bill.

This morning our ladies went to churchmoreI fearfromcuriosity than religion; they were attended by the captain in a most militaryattirewith his cockade in his hat and his sword by his side. So unusual anappearance in this little chapel drew the attention of all presentand probablydisconcerted the womenwho were in dishabilleand wished themselves dressedfor the sake of the curatewho was the greatest of their beholders.

While I was left alone I received a visit from Mr. Francishimselfwho was much more considerable as a farmer than as an inn-holder.Indeedhe left the latter entirely to the care of his wifeand he actedwiselyI believein so doing.

As nothing more remarkable passed on this day I will close itwith the account of these two charactersas far as a few days' residence couldinform me of them. If they should appear as new to the reader as they did to mehe will not be displeased at finding them here.

This amiable couple seemed to border hard on their grandclimacteric; nor indeed were they shy

 

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of owning enough to fix their ages within a year or two of that time. Theyappeared to be rather proud of having employed their time well than ashamed ofhaving lived so long; the only reason which I could ever assign why some fineladiesand fine gentlemen tooshould desire to be thought younger than theyreally are by the contemporaries of their grandchildren. Someindeedwho toohastily credit appearancesmight doubt whether they had made so good a use oftheir time as I would insinuatesince there was no appearance of anything butpovertywantand wretchednessabout their house; nor could they produceanything to a customer in exchange for his money but a few bottles of windand spirituous liquorsand some very bad aleto drink; with rusty bacon andworse cheese to eat. But then it should be consideredon the other sidethatwhatever they received was almost as entirely clear profit as the blessing of awreck itself; such an inn being the very reverse of a coffee-house; for here youcan neither sit for nothing nor have anything for your money.

Againas many marks of want abounded everywhereso were themarks of antiquity visible. Scarce anything was to be seen which had not somescar upon itmade by the hand of Time; not an utensilit was manifesthadbeen purchased within a dozen years last past; so that whatever money had comeinto the house during that period at least must have remained in itunless ithad been sent abroad for foodor other perishable commodities; but these weresupplied by a

 

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small portion of the fruits of the farmin which the farmer allowed he had avery good bargain. In factit is inconceivable what sums may be collected bystarving onlyand how easy it is for a man to die rich if he will but becontented to live miserable.

Nor is there in this kind of starving anything so terrible assome apprehend. It neither wastes a man's flesh nor robs him of hischeerfulness. The famous Cornaro's case well proves the contrary; and so didfarmer Franciswho was of a round staturehad a plumpround facewith a kindof smile on itand seemed to borrow an air of wretchedness rather from hiscoat's age than from his own.

The truth isthere is a certain diet which emaciates men morethan any possible degree of abstinence; though I do not remember to have seenany caution against iteither in CheneyArbuthnotor in any other modernwriter or regimen. Naythe very name is notI believein the learned Dr.James's Dictionary; all which is the more extraordinary as it is a very commonfood in this kingdomand the college themselves were not long since veryliberally entertained with it by the present attorney and other eminent lawyersin Lincoln's-inn-halland were all made horribly sick by it.

But though it should not be found among our English physicalwriterswe may be assured of meeting with it among the Greeks; for nothingconsiderable in nature escapes their noticethough many things considerable inthemit is to

 

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be fearedhave escaped the notice of their readers. The Greeksthento allsuch as feed too voraciously on this dietgive the name of HEAUTOFAGIwhichour physicians willI supposetranslate men that eat themselves.

As nothing is so destructive to the body as this kind of foodso nothing is so plentiful and cheap; but it was perhaps the only cheap thingthe farmer disliked. Probably living much on fish might produce this disgust;for Diodorus Siculus attributes the same aversion in a people of Ethiopia to thesame cause; he calls them the fish-eatersand asserts that they cannot bebrought to eat a single meal with the Heautofagi by any persuasionthreatorviolence whatevernot even though they should kill their children before theirfaces.

What hath puzzled our physiciansand prevented them fromsetting this matter in the clearest lightis possibly one simple mistakearising from a very excusable ignorance; that the passions of men are capable ofswallowing food as well as their appetites; that the formerin feedingresemble the state of those animals who chew the cud; and thereforesuch menin some sensemay be said to prey on themselvesand as it were to devour theirown entrails. And hence ensues a meager aspect and thin habit of bodyas surelyas from what is called a consumption.

Our farmer was one of these. He had no more passion than anIchthuofagus or Ethiopian fisher. He wished not for anythingthought not ofanything; indeedhe scarce did anything or

 

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said anything. Here I cannot be understood strictly; for then I must describe anonentitywhereas I would rob him of nothing but that free agency which is thecause of all the corruption and of all the misery of human nature. No manindeedever did more than the farmerfor he was an absolute slave to labor allthe week; but in truthas my sagacious reader must have at first apprehendedwhen I said he resigned the care of the house to his wifeI meant more than Ithen expressedeven the house and all that belonged to it; for he was really afarmer only under the direction of his wife. In a wordso composedso sereneso placid a countenanceI never saw; and he satisfied himself by answering toevery question he was asked``I don't know anything about itsir; I leaves allthat to my wife.''

Nowas a couple of this kind wouldlike two vessels of oilhave made no composition in lifeand for want of all savor must have palledevery taste; nature or fortuneor both of themtook care to provide a properquantity of acid in the materials that formed the wifeand to render her aperfect helpmate for so tranquil a husband. She abounded in whatsoever he wasdefective; that is to sayin almost everything. She was indeed as vinegar tooilor a brisk wind to a standing-pooland preserved all from stagnation andcorruption.

Quin the playeron taking a nice and severe survey of afellow-comedianburst forth into this exclamation: -- ``If that fellow be not arogueGod Almighty doth not write a legible hand.''

 

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Whether he guessed right or no is not worth my while to examine; certain it isthat the latterhaving wrought his features into a proper harmony to become thecharacters of IagoShylockand others of the same castgave us a semblance oftruth to the observation that was sufficient to confirm the wit of it. Indeedwe may remarkin favor of the physiognomistthough the law has made him arogue and vagabondthat Nature is seldom curious in her works withinwithoutemploying some little pains on the outside; and this more particularly inmischievous charactersin forming whichas Mr. Derham observesin venomousinsectsas the sting or saw of a waspshe is sometimes wonderfullyindustrious. Nowwhen she hath thus completely armed our hero to carry on a warwith manshe never fails of furnishing that innocent lambkin with some means ofknowing his enemyand foreseeing his designs. Thus she hath been observed toact in the case of a rattlesnakewhich never meditates a human prey withoutgiving warning of his approach.

This observation willI am convincedhold most trueifapplied to the most venomous individuals of human insects. A tyrantatricksterand a bullygenerally wear the marks of their several dispositionsin their countenances; so do the vixenthe shrewthe scoldand all otherfemales of the like kind. Butperhapsnature hath never afforded a strongerexample of all this than in the case of Mrs. Francis. She was a shortsquatwoman; her head was closely joined to her shoulderswhere it was fixed somewhatawry; every

 

-263-



feature of her countenance was sharp and pointed; her face was furrowed with thesmallpox; and her complexionwhich seemed to be able to turn milk to curdsnota little resembled in color such milk as had already undergone that operation.She appearedindeedto have many symptoms of a deep jaundice in her look; butthe strength and firmness of her voice overbalanced them all; the tone of thiswas a sharp treble at a distancefor I seldom heard it on the same floorbutwas usually waked with it in the morningand entertained with it almostcontinually through the whole day.

Though vocal be usually put in opposition to instrumentalmusicI question whether this might not be thought to partake of the nature ofboth; for she played on two instrumentswhich she seemed to keep for no otheruse from morning till night; these were two maidsor rather scolding-stockswhoI supposeby some means or otherearned their boardand she gave themtheir lodging gratisor for no other service than to keep her lungs in constantexercise.

She differedas I have saidin every particular from herhusband; but very remarkably in thisthatas it was impossible to displeasehimso it was as impossible to please her; and as no art could remove a smilefrom his countenanceso could no art carry it into hers. If her bills wereremonstrated against she was offended with the tacit censure of herfair-dealing; if they were notshe seemed to regard it as a tacit sarcasm onher follywhich might have set down larger prices

 

-264-



with the same success. On this lather hint she did indeed improvefor she dailyraised some of her articles. A pennyworth of fire was to-day rated at ashillingto-morrow at eighteen-pence; and if she dressed us two dishes for twoshillings on the Saturdaywe paid half-a-crown for the cookery of one on theSunday; andwhenever she was paidshe never left the room without lamentingthe small amount of her billsaying``she knew not how it was that others gottheir money by gentle-folksbut for her part she had not the art of it.'' Whenshe was asked why she complainedwhen she was paid all she demandedsheanswered``she could not deny thatnor did she know she had omitted anything;but that it was but a poor bill for gentle-folks to pay.''

I accounted for all this by her having heardthat it is amaxim with the principal inn-holders on the continentto levy considerable sumson their guestswho travel with many horses and servantsthough such guestsshould eat little or nothing in their houses; the method beingI believeinsuch casesto lay a capitation on the horsesand not on their masters. But shedid not consider that in most of these inns a very great degree of hungerwithout any degree of delicacymay be satisfied; and that in all such innsthere is some appearanceat leastof provisionas well as of a man-cook todress itone of the hostlers being always furnished with a cook's capwaistcoatand apronready to attend gentlemen and ladies on their summons;that the case therefore of such inns differed from herswhere there was nothing

 

-265-



to eat or to drinkand in reality no house to inhabitno chair to sit uponnor any bed to lie in; that one third or fourth part therefore of the levyimposed at inns wasin trutha higher tax than the whole was when laid on inthe otherwherein order to raise a small suma man is obliged to submit topay as many various ways for the same thing as he doth to the government for thelight which enters through his own window into his own housefrom his ownestate; such are the articles of bread and beerfiringeating and dressingdinner.

The foregoing is a very imperfect sketch of this extraordinarycouple; for everything is here lowered instead of being heightened. Those whowould see them set forth in more lively colorsand with the proper ornamentsmay read the descriptions of the Furies in some of the classical poetsor ofthe Stoic philosophers in the works of Lucian.

MondayJuly 20. -- This day nothingremarkable passed; Mrs. Francis levied a tax of fourteen shillings for theSunday. We regaled ourselves at dinner with venison and good claret of our own;and in the afternoonthe womenattended by the captainwalked to see adelightful scene two miles distantwith the beauties of which they declaredthemselves most highly charmed at their returnas well as with the goodness ofthe lady of the mansionwho had slipped out of the way that my wife and theircompany might refresh themselves with the flowers and fruits with which hergarden abounded.

 

-266-


TuesdayJuly 21. -- This dayhaving paid our taxes of yesterdaywe were permitted to regale ourselves withmore venison. Some of this we would willingly have exchanged for mutton; but nosuch flesh was to be had nearer than Portsmouthfrom whence it would have costmore to convey a joint to us than the freight of a Portugal ham from Lisbon toLondon amounts to; for though the water-carriage be somewhat cheaper here thanat Dealyet can you find no waterman who will go on board his boatunless bytwo or three hours' rowing he can get drunk for the residue of the week.

And here I have an opportunitywhich possibly may not offeragainof publishing some observations on that political economy of this nationwhichas it concerns only the regulation of the mobis below the notice of ourgreat men; though on the due regulation of this order depend many emolumentswhich the great men themselvesor at least many who tread close on their heelsmay enjoyas well as some dangers which may some time or other arise fromintroducing a pure state of anarchy among them. I will represent the caseas itappears to mevery fairly and impartially between the mob and their betters.

The whole mischief which infects this part of our economyarises from the vague and uncertain use of a word called libertyof whichasscarce any two men with whom I have ever conversed seem to have one and the sameideaI am inclined to doubt whether there be any simple universal notionrepresented by this wordor whether it

 

-267-



conveys any clearer or more determinate idea than some of those old Puniccompositions of syllables preserved in one of the comedies of Plautusbut atpresentas I conceivenot supposed to be understood by any one.

By libertyhoweverI apprehendis commonly understood thepower of doing what we please; not absolutelyfor then it would be inconsistentwith lawby whose control the liberty of the freest peopleexcept only theHottentots and wild Indiansmust always be restrained.

Butindeedhowever largely we extendor however moderatelywe confinethe sense of the wordno politician willI presumecontend thatit is to pervade in an equal degreeand bewith the same extentenjoyed byevery member of society; no such polity having been ever foundunless amongthose vile people just before commemorated. Among the Greeks and Romans theservile and free conditions were opposed to each other; and no man who had themisfortune to be enrolled under the former could lay any claim to liberty tillthe right was conveyed to him by that master whose slave he waseither by themeans of conquestof purchaseor of birth.

This was the state of all the free nations in the world; andthistill very latelywas understood to be the case of our own.

I will not indeed say this is the case at presentthe lowestclass of our people having shaken off all the shackles of their superiorsandbecome not only as freebut even freerthan most of their superiors. I believeit cannot be doubtedthough

 

-268-



perhaps we have no recent instance of itthat the personal attendance of everyman who hath three hundred pounds per annumin parliamentis indispensably hisduty; and thatif the citizens and burgesses of any city or borough shallchoose such a onehowever reluctant he appearhe may be obliged to attendandbe forcibly brought to his duty by the sergeant-at-arms.

Againthere are numbers of subordinate officessome of whichare of burdenand others of expensein the civil government -- all of whichpersons who are qualified are liable to have imposed on themmay be obliged toundertake and properly executenotwithstanding any bodily laboror evendangerto which they may subject themselvesunder the penalty of fines andimprisonment; nayand what may appear somewhat hardmay be compelled tosatisfy the losses which are eventually incidentto that of sheriff inparticularout of their own private fortunes; and though this should prove theruin of a familyyet the publicto whom the price is dueincurs no debt orobligation to preserve its officer harmlesslet his innocence appear ever soclearly.

I purposely omit the mention of those military or militaryduties which our old constitution laid upon its greatest members. These mightindeedsupply their posts with some other able-bodied men; but if no such couldhave been foundthe obligation nevertheless remainedand they were compellableto serve in their own proper persons.

The only onethereforewho is possessed of absolute libertyis the lowest member of the society

 

-269-



whoif he prefers hungeror the wild product of the fieldshedgeslanesandriverswith the indulgence of ease and lazinessto a food a little moredelicatebut purchased at the expense of labormay lay himself under a shade;nor can be forced to take the other alternative from that which he hathI willnot affirm whether wisely or foolishlychosen.

Here I mayperhapsbe reminded of the last Vagrant Actwhere all such persons are compellable to work for the usual and accustomedwages allowed in the place; but this is a clause little known to the justices ofthe peaceand least likely to be executed by those who do know itas they knowlikewise that it is formed on the ancient power of the justices to fix andsettle these wages every yearmaking proper allowances for the scarcity andplenty of the timesthe cheapness and dearness of the place; and that theusual and accustomed wages are words without any force or meaningwhenthere are no such; but every man spunges and raps whatever he can get; and willhaggle as long and struggle as hard to cheat his employer of twopence in a day'slabor as an honest tradesman will to cheat his customers of the same sum in ayard of cloth or silk.

It is a great pity then that this poweror rather thispracticewas not revived; butthis having been so long omitted that it isbecome obsoletewill be best done by a new lawin which this poweras well asthe consequent power of forcing the poor to labor at a moderate and reasonblerateshould be well considered and their execution

 

-270-



facilitated; for gentlemen who give their time and labor gratisand evenvoluntarilyto the publichave a right to expect that all their business bemade as easy as possible; and to enact laws without doing this is to fill ourstatute-booksmuch too full alreadystill fuller with dead letterof no usebut to the printer of the acts of parliament.

That the evil which I have here pointed at is of itself worthredressingisI apprehendno subject of dispute; for why should any personsin distress be deprived of the assistance of their fellow-subjectswhen theyare willing amply to reward them for their labor? orwhy should the lowest ofthe people be permitted to exact ten times the value of their work? For thoseexactions increase with the degrees of necessity in their objectinsomuch thaton the former side many are horribly imposed uponand that often in no triflingmatters. I was very well assured that at Deal no less than ten guineas wasrequiredand paid by the supercargo of an Indiamanfor carrying him on boardtwo miles from the shore when she was just ready to sail; so that his necessityas his pillager well understoodwas absolute. Againmany otherswhoseindignation will not submit to such plunderare forced to refuse theassistancethough they are often great sufferers by so doing. On the lattersidethe lowest of the people are encouraged in laziness and idleness; whilethey live by a twentieth part of the labor that ought to maintain themwhich isdiametrically opposite to the interest of the public; for that requires a great

 

-271-



deal to be donenot to be paidfor a little. And moreoverthey are confirmedin habits of exactionand are taught to consider the distresses of theirsuperiors as their own fair emolument.

But enough of this matterof which I at first intended onlyto convey a hint to those who are alone capable of applying the remedythoughthey are the last to whom the notice of those evils would occurwithout somesuch monitor as myselfwho am forced to travel about the world in the form of apassenger. I cannot but say I heartily wish our governors would attentivelyconsider this method of fixing the price of laborand by that means ofcompelling the poor to worksince the due execution of such powers willIapprehendbe found the true and only means of making them usefuland ofadvancing trade from its present visibly declining state to the height to whichSir William Pettyin his Political Arithmeticthinks it capable of beingcarried.

In the afternoon the lady of the above-mentioned mansioncalled at our innand left her compliments to us with Mrs. Franciswith anassurance that while we continued wind-bound in that placewhere she feared wecould be but indifferently accommodatedwe were extremely welcome to the use ofanything which her garden or her house afforded. So polite a message convincedusin spite of some arguments to the contrarythat we were not on the coast ofAfricaor on some island where the few savage inhabitants have little of humanin them besides their form.

And here I mean nothing less than to derogate

 

-272-



from the merit of this ladywho is not only extremely polite in her behavior tostrangers of her own rankbut so extremely good and charitable to all her poorneighbors who stand in need of her assistancethat she hath the universal loveand praises of all who live near her. Butin realityhow little doth theacquisition of so valuable a characterand the full indulgence of so worthy adispositioncost those who possess it! Both are accomplished by the very offalswhich fall from a table moderately plentiful. That they are enjoyed therefore byso few arises truly from there being so few who have any such disposition togratifyor who aim at any such character.

WednesdayJuly 22. -- This morningafter having been mulcted as usualwe dispatched a servant with properacknowledgments of the lady's goodness; but confined our wants entirely to theproductions of her garden. He soon returnedin company with the gardenerbothrichly laden with almost every particular which a garden at this most fruitfulseason of the year produces.

While we were regaling ourselves with thesetowards the closeof our dinnerwe received orders from our commanderwho had dined that daywith some inferior officers on board a man-of-warto return instantly to theship; for that the wind was become favorable and he should weigh that evening.These orders were soon followed by the captain himselfwho was still in theutmost hurrythough the occasion of it had long since ceased; for the wind hadindeeda little shifted that afternoon

 

-273-



but was before this very quietly set down in its old quarters.

This last was a lucky hit for me; foras the captaintowhose orders we resolved to pay no obedienceunless delivered by himselfdidnot return till past sixso much time seemed requisite to put up the furnitureof our bed-chamber or dining-roomfor almost every articleeven to some of thechairswere either our own or the captain's property; so much more in conveyingit as well as myselfas dead a luggage as anyto the shoreand thence to theshipthat the night threatened first to overtake us. A terrible circumstance tomein my decayed condition; especially as very heavy showers of rainattendedwith a high windcontinued to fall incessantly; the being carried through whichtwo miles in the darkin a wet and open boatseemed little less than certaindeath.

Howeveras my commander was absolutehis orders peremptoryand my obedience necessaryI resolved to avail myself of a philosophy whichhath been of notable use to me in the latter part of my lifeand which iscontained in this hemistich of Virgil: --

-- -- Superanda omnis fortuna ferendo est.

The meaning of whichif Virgil had anyI think I rightlyunderstoodand rightly applied.

As I was therefore to be entirely passive in my motionIresolved to abandon myself to the conduct of those who were to carry me into acart when it returned from unloading the goods.

 

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But before thisthe captainperceiving what had happened inthe cloudsand that the wind remained as much his enemy as evercame upstairsto me with a reprieve till the morning. This wasI ownvery agreeable newsand I little regretted the trouble of refurnishing my apartmentby sending backfor the goods.

Mrs. Francis was not well pleased with this. As she understoodthe reprieve to be only till the morningshe saw nothing but lodging to bepossibly addedout of which she was to deduct fire and candleand theremaindershe thoughtwould scarce pay her for her trouble. She exertedtherefore all the ill-humor of which she was mistressand did all she could tothwart and perplex everything during the whole evening.

ThursdayJuly 23. -- Early in themorning the captainwho had remained on shore all nightcame to visit usandto press us to make haste on board. ``I am resolved'' says he``not to lose amoment now the wind is coming about fair: for my own partI never was surer ofa wind in all my life.'' I use his very words; nor will I presume to interpretor comment upon them farther than by observing that they were spoke in theutmost hurry.

We promised to be ready as soon as breakfast was overbutthis was not so soon as was expected; forin removing our goods the eveningbeforethe tea-chest was unhappily lost.

Every place was immediately searchedand many where it wasimpossible for it to be; for this was a loss of much greater consequence than it

 

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may at first seem to many of my readers. Ladies and valetudinarians do noteasily dispense with the use of this sovereign cordial in a single instance; butto undertake a long voyagewithout any probability of being supplied with itthe whole waywas above the reach of patience. And yetdreadful as thiscalamity wasit seemed unavoidable. The whole town of Ryde could not supply asingle leaf; foras to what Mrs. Francis and the shop called by that nameitwas not of Chinese growth. It did not indeed in the least resemble teaeitherin smell or tasteor in any particularunless in being a leaf; for it was intruth no other than a tobacco of the mundungus species. And as for the hopes ofrelief in any other portthey were not to be depended uponfor the captain hadpositively declared he was sure of a windand would let go his anchor no moretill he arrived in the Tajo.

When a good deal of time had been spentmost of it indeedwasted on this occasiona thought occurred which every one wondered at its nothaving presented itself the first moment. This was to apply to the good ladywho could not fail of pitying and relieving such distress. A messenger wasimmediately despatched with an account of our misfortunetill whose return weemployed ourselves in preparatives for our departurethat we might have nothingto do but to swallow our breakfast when it arrived. The tea-chestthough of noless consequence to us than the military-chest to a generalwas given up aslostor rather as stolenfor though I would notfor the world

 

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mention any particular nameit is certain we had suspicionsand allI amafraidfell on the same person.

The man returned from the worthy lady with much expeditionand brought with him a canister of teadespatched with so true a generosityaswell as politenessthat if our voyage had been as long again we should haveincurred no danger of being brought to a short allowance in this most importantarticle. At the very same instant likewise arrived William the footman with ourown tea-chest. It had beenindeedleft in the hoywhen the other goods werere-landedas Williamwhen he first heard it was missinghad suspected; andwhencehad not the owner of the hoy been unluckily out of the wayhe hadretrieved it soon enough to have prevented our giving the lady an opportunity ofdisplaying some part of her goodness.

To search the hoy wasindeedtoo natural a suggestion tohave escaped any onenor did it escape being mentioned by many of us; but wewere dissuaded from it by my wife's maidwho perfectly well remembered she hadleft the chest in the bed-chamber; for that she had never given it out of herhand in her way to or from the hoy; but William perhaps knew the maid betterand best understood how far she was to be believed; for otherwise he wouldhardly of his own accordafter hearing her declarationhave hunted out thehoy-manwith much pains and difficulty.

Thus ended this scenewhich began with such

 

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appearance of distressand ended with becoming the subject of mirth andlaughter.

Nothing now remained but to pay our taxeswhich were indeedlaid with inconceivable severity. Lodging was raised sixpencefire in the sameproportionand even candleswhich had hitherto escapedwere charged with awantonness of impositionfrom the beginningand placed under the style ofoversight. We were raised a whole poundwhereas we had only burned tenin fivenightsand the pound consisted of twenty-four.

Lastlyan attempt was made which almost as far exceeds humancredulity to believe as it did human patience to submit to. This was to make uspay as much for existing an hour or two as for existing a whole day; anddressing dinner was introduced as an articlethough we left the house beforeeither pot or spit had approached the fire. Here I own my patience failed meand I became an example of the truth of the observation``That all tyranny andoppression may be carried too farand that a yoke may be made too intolerablefor the neck of the tamest slave.'' When I remonstratedwith some warmthagainst this grievanceMrs. Francis gave me a lookand left the room withoutmaking any answer. She returned in a minuterunning to me with peninkandpaperin her handand desired me to make my own bill; ``for she hoped'' shesaid ``I did not expect that her house was to be dirtiedand her goods spoiledand consumed for nothing.

 

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The whole is but thirteen shillings. Can gentlefolks lie a whole night at apublic-house for less? If they can I am sure it is time to give off being alandlady: but pay me what you please; I would have people know that I valuemoney as little as other folks. But I was always a foolas I says to myhusbandand never knows which side my bread is buttered of. And yetto besureyour honor shall be my warning not to be bit so again. Some folks knowsbetter than other some how to make their bills. Candles! why yesto be sure;why should not travelers pay for candles? I am sure I pays for my candlesandthe chandler pays the king's majesty for them; and if he did not I mustso asit comes to the same thing in the end. To be sure I am out of sixteens atpresentbut these burn as white and as clearthough not quite so large. Iexpects my chandler here soonor I would send to Portsmouthif your honor wasto stay any time longer. But when folks stays only for a windyou knows therecan be no dependence on such!'' Here she put on a little slyness of aspectandseemed willing to submit to interruption. I interrupted her accordingly bythrowing down half a guineaand declared I had no more English moneywhich wasindeed true; andas she could not immediately change the thirty-six shillingpiecesit put a final end to the dispute. Mrs. Francis soon left the roomandwe soon after left the house; nor would this good woman see us or wish us a goodvoyage.

I must nothoweverquit this placewhere we had been soill-treatedwithout doing it impartial

 

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justiceand recording what maywith the strictest truthbe said in its favor.

Firstthenas to its situationit isI thinkmostdelightfuland in the most pleasant spot in the whole island. It is true itwants the advantage of that beautiful river which leads from Newport to Cowes;but the prospect here extending to the seaand taking in PortsmouthSpitheadand St. Helen'swould be more than a recompense for the loss of the Thamesitselfeven in the most delightful part of Berkshire or Buckinghamshirethoughanother Denhamor another Popeshould unite in celebrating it. For my ownpartI confess myself so entirely fond of a sea prospectthat I think nothingon the land can equal it; and if it be set off with shippingI desire to borrowno ornament from the terra firma. A fleet of ships isin my opinionthenoblest object which the art of man hath ever produced; and far beyond the powerof those architects who deal in brickin stoneor in marble.

When the late Sir Robert Walpoleone of the best of men andof ministersused to equip us a yearly fleet at Spitheadhis enemies of tastemust have allowed that heat leasttreated the nation with a fine sight fortheir money. A much finerindeedthan the same expense in an encampment couldhave produced. For what indeed is the best idea which the prospect of a numberof huts can furnish to the mindbut of a number of men forming themselves intoa society before the art of building more substantial houses was known? Thisperhapswould be agreeable enough; but

 

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in truththere is a much worse idea ready to step in before itand that is ofa body of cut-throatsthe supports of tyrannythe invaders of the justliberties and properties of mankindthe plunderers of the industrioustheravishers of the chastethe murderers of the innocentandin a wordthedestroyers of the plentythe peaceand the safetyof their fellow-creatures.

And whatit may be saidare these men-of-war which seem sodelightful an object to our eyes? Are they not alike the support of tyranny andoppression of innocencecarrying with them desolation and ruin wherever theirmasters please to send them? This is indeed too true; and however the ship ofwar mayin its bulk and equipmentexceed the honest merchantmanI heartilywish there was no necessity for it; forthough I must own the superior beautyof the object on one sideI am more pleased with the superior excellence of theidea which I can raise in my mind on the otherwhile I reflect on the art andindustry of mankind engaged in the daily improvements of commerce to the mutualbenefit of all countriesand to the establishment and happiness of social life.

This pleasant village is situated on a gentle ascent from thewaterwhence it affords that charming prospect I have above described. Its soilis a gravelwhichassisted with its declivitypreserves it always so dry thatimmediately after the most violent rain a fine lady may walk without wetting hersilken shoes. The fertility of the place is apparent from its extraordinaryverdureand it is so shaded with large and flourishing elms

 

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that its narrow lanes are a natural grove or walkwhichin the regularity ofits plantationvies with the power of artand in its wanton exuberancy greatlyexceeds it.

In a field in the ascent of this hillabout a quarter of amile from the seastands a neat little chapel. It is very smallbut adequateto the number of inhabitants; for the parish doth not seem to contain abovethirty houses.

At about two miles distant from this parish lives that politeand good lady to whose kindness we were so much obliged. It is placed on a hillwhose bottom is washed by the seaand which from its eminence at topcommandsa view of great part of the island as well as it does that of the oppositeshore. This house was formerly built by one Boycewhofrom a blacksmith atGosportbecame possessedby great success in smugglingof forty thousandpound. With part of this he purchased an estate hereandby chance probablyfixed on this spot for building a large house. Perhaps the convenience ofcarrying on his businessto which it is so well adaptedmight dictate thesituation to him. We can hardlyat leastattribute it to the same taste withwhich he furnished his houseor at least his libraryby sending an order to abookseller in London to pack him up five hundred pounds' worth of his handsomestbooks. They tell here several almost incredible stories of the ignorancethefollyand the pridewhich this poor man and his wife discovered during theshort continuance of his prosperity; for he did not long escape the sharp eyes

 

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of the revenue solicitorsand wasby extents from the court of Exchequersoonreduced below his original state to that of confinement in the Fleet. All hiseffects were soldand among the rest his booksby an auction at Portsmouthfor a very small price; for the bookseller was now discovered to have beenperfectly a master of his tradeandrelying on Mr. Boyce's finding little timeto readhad sent him not only the most lasting wares of his shopbutduplicates of the sameunder different titles.

His estate and house were purchased by a gentleman of thesepartswhose widow now enjoys themand who hath improved themparticularly hergardenswith so elegant a tastethat the painter who would assist hisimagination in the composition of a most exquisite landscapeor the poet whowould describe an earthly paradisecould nowhere furnish themselves with aricher pattern.

We left this place about eleven in the morningand were againconveyedwith more sunshine than windaboard our ship.

Whence our captain had acquired his power of prophecywhen hepromised us and himself a prosperous windI will not determine; it issufficient to observe that he was a false prophetand that the weathercockscontinued to point as before.

He would nothoweverso easily give up his skill inprediction. He persevered in asserting that the wind was changedandhavingweighed his anchorfell down that afternoon to St. Helen's

 

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which was at about the distance of five miles; and whither his friend the tidein defiance of the windwhich was most manifestly against himsoftly waftedhim in as many hours.

Hereabout seven in the eveningbefore which time we couldnot procure itwe sat down to regale ourselves with some roasted venisonwhichwas much better dressed than we imagined it would beand an excellent coldpasty which my wife had made at Rydeand which we had reserved uncut to eat onboard our shipwhither we all cheerfully exulted in being returned from thepresence of Mrs. Franciswhoby the exact resemblance she bore to a furyseemed to have been with no great propriety settled in paradise.

FridayJuly 24. -- As we passed bySpithead on the preceding evening we saw the two regiments of soldiers who werejust returned from Gibraltar and Minorca; and this day a lieutenant belonging toone of themwho was the captain's nephewcame to pay a visit to his uncle. Hewas what is called by some a very pretty fellow; indeedmuch too pretty afellow at his years; for he was turned of thirty-fourthough his address andconversation would have become him more before he had reached twenty. In hisconversationit is truethere was something military enoughas it consistedchiefly of oathsand of the great actions and wise sayings of Jackand Willand Tom of our regimenta phrase eternally in his mouth; and he seemed toconclude that it conveyed to all the officers such a degree of public notorietyand importance that it entitled him like the head of a

 

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professionor a first ministerto be the subject of conversation among thosewho had not the least personal acquaintance with him. This did not much surprisemeas I have seen several examples of the same; but the defects in his addressespecially to the womenwere so great that they seemed absolutely inconsistentwith the behavior of a pretty fellowmuch less of one in a red coat; and yetbesides having been eleven years in the armyhe had hadas his uncle informedmean education in France. ThisI ownwould have appeared to have beenabsolutely thrown away had not his animal spiritswhich were likewise thrownaway upon him in great abundanceborne the visible stamp of the growth of thatcountry. The character to which he had an indisputable title was that of a merryfellow; so very merry was he that he laughed at everything he saidand alwaysbefore he spoke. Possiblyindeedhe often laughed at what he did not utterfor every speech begun with a laughthough it did not always end with a jest.There was no great analogy between the characters of the uncle and the nephewand yet they seemed entirely to agree in enjoying the honor which the red-coatdid to his family. This the uncle expressed with great pleasure in hiscountenanceand seemed desirous of showing all present the honor which he hadfor his nephewwhoon his sidewas at some pains to convince us of hisconcurring in this opinionand at the same time of displaying the contempt hehad for the partsas well as the occupation of his unclewhich he seemed tothink

 

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reflected some disgrace on himselfwho was a member of that profession whichmakes every man a gentleman. Not that I would be understood to insinuate thatthe nephew endeavored to shake off or disown his uncleor indeed to keep him atany distance. On the contraryhe treated him with the utmost familiarityoftencalling him Dickand dear Dickand old Dickand frequently beginning anoration with D -- n meDick.

All this condescension on the part of the young man wasreceived with suitable marks of complaisance and obligation by the old one;especially when it was attended with evidences of the same familiarity withgeneral officers and other persons of rank; one of whomin particularI knowto have the pride and insolence of the devil himselfand whowithout somestrong bias of interestis no more liable to converse familiarly with alieutenant than of being mistaken in his judgment of a fool; which was notperhapsso certainly the case of the worthy lieutenantwhoin declaring to usthe qualifications which recommended men to his countenance and conversationaswell as what effectually set a bar to all hopes of that honorexclaimed``Nosirby the d -- I hate all fools -- Nod -- n meexcuse me for that. That's alittle too muchold Dick. There are two or three officers of our regiment whomI know to be fools; but d -- n me if I am ever seen in their company. If a manhath a fool of a relationDickyou know he can't help thatold boy.''

Such jokes as these the old man not only tools in good partbut glibly gulped down the whole

 

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narrative of his nephew; nor did heI am convincedin the least doubt of ouras readily swallowing the same. This made him so charmed with the lieutenantthat it is probable we should have been pestered with him the whole eveninghadnot the north winddearer to our sea-captain even than this glory of hisfamilysprung suddenly upand called aloud to him to weigh his anchor.

While this ceremony was performingthe sea-captain orderedout his boat to row the land-captain to shore; not indeed on an uninhabitedislandbut one whichin this partlooked but little betternot presenting usthe view of a single house. Indeedour old friendwhen his boat returned onshoreperhaps being no longer able to stifle his envy of the superiority of hisnephewtold us with a smile that the young man had a good five mile to walkbefore he could be accommodated with a passage to Portsmouth.

It appeared now that the captain had been only mistaken in thedate of his predictionby placing the event a day earlier than it happened; forthe wind which now arose was not only favorable but briskand was no sooner inreach of our sails than it swept us away by the back of the Isle of Wightandhaving in the night carried us by Christchurch and Peveral-pointbrought us thenext noonSaturdayJuly 25oft the island of Portlandso famous forthe smallness and sweetness of its muttonof which a leg seldom weighs fourpounds. We would have bought a sheepbut our captain would not permit it;though he needed not have been in such a hurryfor presently the

 

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windI will not positively assert in resentment of his surlinessshowed him adog's trickand slyly slipped back again to his summer-house in the south-west.

The captain now grew outrageousanddeclaring open war withthe windtook a resolutionrather more bold than wiseof sailing in defianceof itand in its teeth. He swore he would let go his anchor no morebut wouldbeat the sea while he had either yard or sail left. He accordingly stood fromthe shoreand made so large a tack that before nightthough he seemed toadvance but little on his wayhe was got out of sight of land.

Towards evening the wind beganin the captain's own languageand indeed it freshened so muchthat before ten it blew a perfect hurricane.

The captain having gotas he supposedto a safe distancetacked again towards the English shore; and now the wind veered a point only inhis favorand continued to blow with such violencethat the ship ran aboveeight knots or miles an hour during this whole day and tempestuous night tillbed-time. I was obliged to betake myself once more to my solitudefor my womenwere again all down in their sea-sicknessand the captain was busy on deck; forhe began to grow uneasychieflyI believebecause he did not well know wherehe wasand wouldI am convincedhave been very glad to have been inPortland-roadeating some sheep's-head broth.

Having contracted no great degree of good-humor by living awhole day alonewithout a

 

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single soul to converse withI took but ill physic to purge it offby abed-conversation with the captainwhoamongst many bitter lamentations of hisfateand protesting he had more patience than a Jobfrequently intermixedsummons to the commanding officer on the deckwho now happened to be oneMorrisona carpenterthe only fellow that had either common sense or commoncivility in the ship. Of Morrison he inquired every quarter of an hourconcerning the state of affairs: the windthe care of the shipand othermatters of navigation. The frequency of these summonsas well as the solicitudewith which they were madesufficiently testified the state of the captain'smind; he endeavored to conceal itand would have given no small alarm to a manwho had either not learned what it is to dieor known what it is to bemiserable. And my dear wife and child must pardon meif what I did not conceiveto be any great evil to myself I was not much terrified with the thoughts ofhappening to them; in truthI have often thought they are both too good and toogentle to be trusted to the power of any man I knowto whom they could possiblybe so trusted.

Can I say then I had no fear? indeed I cannot. ReaderI wasafraid for theelest thou shouldst have been deprived of that pleasure thou artnow enjoying; and that I should not live to draw out on paper that militarycharacter which thou didst peruse in the journal of yesterday.

From all these fears we were relievedat six in the morningby the arrival of Mr. Morrisonwho

 

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acquainted us that he was sure he beheld land very near; for he could not seehalf a mileby reason of the haziness of the weather. This land he said washebelievedthe Berry-headwhich forms one side of Torbay: the captain declaredthat it was impossibleand sworeon condition he was righthe would give himhis mother for a maid. A forfeit which became afterwards strictly due andpayable; for the captainwhipping on his night-gownran up without hisbreechesand within half an hour returning into the cabinwished me joy of ourlying safe at anchor in the bay.

SundayJuly 26. -- Things now beganto put on an aspect very different from what they had lately worn; the news thatthe ship had almost lost its mizzenand that we had procured very fine cloutedcream and fresh bread and butter from the shorerestored health and spirits toour womenand we all sat down to a very cheerful breakfast.

Buthowever pleasant our stay promised to be herewe wereall desirous it should be short: I resolved immediately to despatch my man intothe country to purchase a present of ciderfor my friends of that which iscalled Southamas well as to take with me a hogshead of it to Lisbon; for itisin my opinionmuch more delicious than that which is the growth ofHerefordshire. I purchased three hogsheads for five pounds ten shillingsallwhich I should have scarce thought worth mentioninghad I not believed it mightbe of equal service to the honest farmer who sold it meand who is by theneighboring gentlemen reputed to

 

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deal in the very best; and to the readerwhofrom ignorance of the means ofproviding better for himselfswallows at a dearer rate the juice of Middlesexturnipinstead of that Vinum Pomonæ which Mr. Giles Leverance of Cheeshurstnear Dartmouth in Devonwillat the price of forty shillings per hogsheadsend in double casks to any part of the world. Had the wind been very sudden inshiftingI had lost my cider by an attempt of a boatman to exactaccording tocustom. He required five shillings for conveying my man a mile and a half to theshoreand four more if he stayed to bring him back. This I thought to be suchinsufferable impudence that I ordered him to be immediately chased from theshipwithout any answer. Indeedthere are few inconveniences that I would notrather encounter than encourage the insolent demands of these wretchesat theexpense of my own indignationof which I own they are not the only objectsbutrather those who purchase a paltry convenience by encouraging them. But of thisI have already spoken very largely. I shall concludethereforewith the leavewhich this fellow took of our ship; saying he should know it againand wouldnot put off from the shore to relieve it in any distress whatever.

It willdoubtlesssurprise many of my readers to hear thatwhen we lay at anchor within a mile or two of a town several days togetherandeven in the most temperate weatherwe should frequently want fresh provisionsand herbageand other emoluments of the shoreas much as if

 

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we had been a hundred leagues from land. And this too while numbers of boatswere in our sightwhose owners get their livelihood by rowing people up anddownand could be at any time summoned by a signal to our assistanceand whilethe captain had a little boat of his ownwith men always ready to row it at hiscommand.

Thishoweverhath been partly accounted for already by theimposing disposition of the peoplewho asked so much more than the proper priceof their labor. And as to the usefulness of the captain's boatit requires tobe a little expatiated uponas it will tend to lay open some of the grievanceswhich demand the utmost regard of our legislatureas they affect the mostvaluable part of the king's subjects -- those by whom the commerce of the nationis carried into execution.

Our captain thenwho was a very good and experienced seamanhaving been above thirty years the master of a vesselpart of which he hadservedso he phrased itas commander of a privateerand had dischargedhimself with great courage and conductand with as great successdiscoveredthe utmost aversion to the sending his boat ashore whenever we lay wind-bound inany of our harbors. This aversion did not arise from any fear of wearing out hisboat by using itbut wasin truththe result of experiencethat it waseasier to send his men on shore than to recall them. They acknowledged him to betheir master while they remained on shipboardbut did not allow his power toextend to the shoreswhere they had no sooner set their foot than every manbecame

 

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sui jurisand thought himself at full liberty to return when he pleased. Now itis not any delight that these fellows have in the fresh air or verdant fields onthe land. Every one of them would prefer his ship and his hammock to all thesweets of Arabia the Happy; butunluckily for themthere are in every seaportin England certain houses whose chief livelihood depends on providingentertainment for the gentlemen of the jacket. For this purpose they are alwayswell furnished with those cordial liquors which do immediately inspire the heartwith gladnessbanishing all careful thoughtsand indeed all othersfrom themindand opening the mouth with songs of cheerfulness and thanksgiving for themany wonderful blessings with which a seafaring life overflows.

For my own parthowever whimsical it may appearI confess Ihave thought the strange story of Circe in the Odyssey no other than aningenious allegoryin which Homer intended to convey to his countrymen the samekind of instruction which we intend to communicate to our own in thisdigression. As teaching the art of war to the Greeks was the plain design of theIliadso was teaching them the art of navigation the no less manifest intentionof the Odyssey. For the improvement of thistheir situation was mostexcellently adapted; and accordingly we find Thucydidesin the beginning of hishistoryconsiders the Greeks as a set of pirates or privateersplundering eachother by sea. This being probably the first institution of commerce before theArs Cauponaria

 

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was inventedand merchantsinstead of robbingbegan to cheat and outwit eachotherand by degrees changed the Metableticthe only kind of traffic allowedby Aristotle in his Politicsinto the Chrematistic.

By this allegory then I suppose Ulysses to have been thecaptain of a merchant-shipand Circe some good ale-wifewho made his crewdrunk with the spirituous liquors of those days. With this the transformationinto swineas well as all other incidents of the fablewill notably agree; andthus a key will be found out for unlocking the whole mysteryand forging atleast some meaning to a story whichat presentappears very strange andabsurd.

Hencemoreoverwill appear the very near resemblance betweenthe sea-faring men of all ages and nations; and here perhaps may be establishedthe truth and justice of that observationwhich will occur oftener than once inthis voyagethat all human flesh is not the same fleshbut that there is onekind of flesh of landmenand another of seamen.

Philosophersdivinesand otherswho have treated thegratification of human appetites with contempthaveamong other instancesinsisted very strongly on that satiety which is so apt to overtake them even inthe very act of enjoyment. And here they more particularly deserve ourattentionas most of them may be supposed to speak from their own experienceand very probably gave us their lessons with a full stomach. Thus hunger andthirstwhatever delight they may afford

 

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while we are eating and drinkingpass both away from us with the plate and thecup; and though we should imitate the Romansifindeedthey were such dullbeastswhich I can scarce believeto unload the belly like a dung-potinorder to fill it again with another loadyet would the pleasure be soconsiderably lessened that it would scarce repay us the trouble of purchasing itwith swallowing a basin of camomile tea. A second haunch of venisonor a seconddose of turtlewould hardly allure a city glutton with its smell. Even thecelebrated Jew himselfwhen well filled with calipash and calipeegoescontentedly home to tell his moneyand expects no more pleasure from his throatduring the next twenty-four hours. Hence I suppose Dr. South took that elegantcomparison of the joys of a speculative man to the solemn silence of anArchimedes over a problemand those of a glutton to the stillness of a sow ather wash. A simile whichif it became the pulpit at allcould only become itin the afternoon.

Whereas in those potations which the mind seems to enjoyrather than the bodily appetitethere is happily no such satiety; but the morea man drinksthe more he desires; as iflike Mark Anthony in Drydenhisappetite increased with feedingand this to such an immoderate degreeutnullus sit desiderio aut pudor aut modus. Henceas with the gang of CaptainUlyssesensues so total a transformationthat the man no more continues whathe was. Perhaps he ceases for a time to be at all; orthough he may retain

 

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the same outward form and figure he had beforeyet is his nobler partas weare taught to call itso changedthatinstead of being the same manhescarce remembers what he was a few hours before. And this transformationbeingonce obtainedis so easily preserved by the same potationswhich induced nosatietythat the captain in vain sends or goes in quest of his crew. They knowhim no longer; orif they dothey acknowledge not his powerhaving indeed asentirely forgotten themselves as if they had taken a large draught of the riverof Lethe.

Nor is the captain always sure of even finding out the placeto which Circe hath conveyed them. There are many of those houses in everyport-town. Naythere are some where the sorceress doth not trust only to herdrugs; but hath instruments of a different kind to execute her purposesbywhose means the tar is effectually secreted from the knowledge and pursuit ofhis captain. This wouldindeedbe very fatalwas it not for one circumstance;that the sailor is seldom provided with the proper bait for these harpies.Howeverthe contrary sometimes happensas these harpies will bite at almostanythingand will snap at a pair of silver buttonsor bucklesas surely as atthe specie itself. Naysometimes they are so voraciousthat the very nakedhook will go downand the jolly young sailor is sacrificed for his own sake.

In vainat such a season as thiswould the vows of a piousheathen have prevailed over NeptuneÆolusor any other marine deity. In vain

 

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would the prayers of a Christian captain be attended with the like success. Thewind may change how it pleases while all hands are on shore; the anchor wouldremain firm in the groundand the ship would continue in duranceunlesslikeother forcible prison-breakersit forcibly got loose for no good purpose.

Nowas the favor of winds and courtsand such likeisalways to be laid hold on at the very first motionfor within twenty-four hoursall may be changed again; soin the former casethe loss of a day may be theloss of a voyage: forthough it may appear to persons not well skilled innavigationwho see ships meet and sail by each otherthat the wind blowssometimes east and westnorth and southbackwards and forwardsat the sameinstant; yetcertain it is that the land is so contrivedthat even the samewind will notlike the same horsealways bring a man to the end of hisjourney; butthat the gale which the mariner prayed heartily for yesterdayhemay as heartily deprecate to-morrow; while all use and benefit which would havearisen to him from the westerly wind of to-morrow may be totally lost and thrownaway by neglecting the offer of the easterly blast which blows to-day.

Hence ensues grief and disreputation to the innocent captainloss and disappointment to the worthy merchantand not seldom great prejudiceto the trade of a nation whose manufactures are thus liable to lie unsold in aforeign warehouse the market being forestalled by some rival whose sailors areunder a better discipline. To guard

 

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against these inconveniences the prudent captain takes every precaution in hispower; he makes the strongest contracts with his crewand thereby binds them sofirmlythat none but the greatest or least of men can break through them withimpunity; but for one of these two reasonswhich I will not determinethesailorlike his brother fish the eelis too slippery to be heldand plungesinto his element with perfect impunity.

To speak a plain truththere is no trusting to any contractwith one whom the wise citizens of London call a bad man; forwith such a onethough your bond be ever so strongit will prove in the end good for nothing.

What then is to be done in this case? Whatindeedbut tocall in the assistance of that tremendous magistratethe justice of peacewhocanand often dothlay good and bad men in equal durance; andthough heseldom cares to stretch his bonds to what is greatnever finds anything toominute for their detentionbut will hold the smallest reptile alive so fast inhis noosethat he can never get out till he is let drop through it.

Whythereforeupon the breach of those contractsshould notan immediate application be made to the nearest magistrate of this orderwhoshould be empowered to convey the delinquent either to ship or to prisonat theelection of the captainto be fettered by the leg in either place?

Butas the case now standsthe condition of this poorcaptain without any commissionand of this absolute commander without anypoweris much worse than we have hitherto shown it to be; for

 

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notwithstanding all the aforesaid contracts to sail in the good ship the Elizabethif the sailor shouldfor better wagesfind it more his interest to go on boardthe better ship the Maryeither before their setting out or on theirspeedy meeting in some porthe may prefer the latter without any other dangerthan that of ``doing what he ought not to have done'' contrary to a rule whichhe is seldom Christian enough to have much at heartwhile the captain isgenerally too good a Christian to punish a man out of revenge onlywhen he isto be at a considerable expense for so doing. There are many other deficienciesin our laws relating to maritime affairsand which would probably have beenlong since correctedhad we any seamen in the House of Commons. Not that Iwould insinuate that the legislature wants a supply of many gentlemen in thesea-service; butas these gentlemen are by their attendance in the houseunfortunately prevented from ever going to seaand there learning what theymight communicate to their landed brethrenthese latter remain as ignorant inthat branch of knowledge as they would be if none but courtiers and fox-huntershad been elected into parliamentwithout a single fish among them. Thefollowing seems to me to be an effect of this kindand it strikes me thestronger as I remember the case to have happenedand remember it to have beendispunishable. A captain of a trading vesselof which he was part ownertookin a large freight of oats at Liverpoolconsigned to the market at Bearkey:this he carried to a port in Hampshireand there sold it as

 

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his ownandfreighting his vessel with wheat for the port of Cadizin Spaindropped it at Oporto in his way; and thereselling it for his own usetook ina lading of winewith which he sailed againandhaving converted it in thesame mannertogether with a large sum of money with which he was intrustedforthe benefit of certain merchantssold the ship and cargo in another portandthen wisely sat down contented with the fortune he had madeand returned toLondon to enjoy the remainder of his dayswith the fruits of his former laborsand a good conscience.

The sum he brought home with him consisted of near sixthousand poundsall in specieand most of it in that coin which Portugaldistributes so liberally over Europe.

He was not yet old enough to be past all sense of pleasurenor so puffed up with the pride of his good fortune as to overlook his oldacquaintances the journeymen tailorsfrom among whom he had been formerlypressed into the sea-serviceandhaving there laid the foundation of hisfuture success by his shares in prizeshad afterwards become captain of atrading vesselin which he purchased an interestand had soon begun to tradein the honorable manner above mentioned.

The captain now took up his residence at an ale-house inDrury-lanewherehaving all his money by him in a trunkhe spent about fivepounds a day among his old friends the gentlemen and ladies of those parts.

The merchant of Liverpoolhaving luckily had notice from afriend during the blaze of his fortune

 

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didby the assistance of a justice of peacewithout the assistance of the lawrecover his whole loss. The captainhoweverwisely chose to refund no more;butperceiving with what hasty strides Envy was pursuing his fortunehe tookspeedy means to retire out of her reachand to enjoy the rest of his wealth inan inglorious obscurity; nor could the same justice overtake him time enough toassist a second merchant as he had done the first.

This was a very extraordinary caseand the more so as theingenious gentleman had steered entirely clear of all crimes in our law.

Nowhow it comes about that a robbery so very easy to becommittedand to which there is such immediate temptation always before theeyes of these fellowsshould receive the encouragement of impunityis to beaccounted for only from the oversight of the legislatureas that oversight canonly beI thinkderived from the reasons I have assigned for it.

But I will dwell no longer on this subject. If what I havehere said should seem of sufficient consequence to engage the attention of anyman in powerand should thus be the means of applying any remedy to the mostinveterate evilsat leastI have obtained my whole desireand shall have lainso long wind-bound in the ports of this kingdom to some purpose. I wouldindeedhave this work -- whichif I should live to finish ita matter of nogreat certaintyif indeed of any great hope to mewill be probably the last Ishall

 

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ever undertake -- to produce some better end than the mere diversion of thereader.

Monday. -- This day our captain wentashoreto dine with a gentleman who lives in these partsand who so exactlyresembles the character given by Homer of Axylusthat the only difference I cantrace between them isthe oneliving by the highwayerected his hospitalitychiefly in favor of land-travelers; and the otherliving by the water-sidegratified his humanity by accommodating the wants of the mariner.

In the evening our commander received a visit from a brotherbashawwho lay wind-bound in the same harbor. This latter captain was a Swiss.He was then master of a vessel bound to Guineaand had formerly been aprivateeringwhen our own hero was employed in the same laudable service. Thehonesty and freedom of the Switzerhis vivacityin which he was in no respectinferior to his near neighbors the Frenchthe awkward and affected politenesswhich was likewise of French extractionmixed with the brutal roughness of theEnglish tar -- for he had served under the colors of this nation and his crewhad been of the same -- made such an odd varietysuch a hotch-potch ofcharacterthat I should have been much diverted with himhad not his voicewhich was as loud as a speaking-trumpetunfortunately made my head ache. Thenoise which he conveyed into the deaf ears of his brother captainwho sat onone side of himthe soft addresses with whichmixed with awkward bowshesaluted the ladies

 

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on the otherwere so agreeably contrastedthat a man must not only have beenvoid of all taste of humorand insensible of mirthbut duller than Cibber isrepresented in the Dunciadwho could be unentertained with him a little while;forI confesssuch entertainments should always be very shortas they arevery liable to pall. But he suffered not this to happen at present; forhavinggiven us his company a quarter of an hour onlyhe retiredafter many apologiesfor the shortness of his visit.

Tuesday. -- The wind being lessboisterous than it had hitherto been since our arrival hereseveralfishing-boatswhich the tempestuous weather yesterday had prevented fromworkingcame on board us with fish. This was so freshso good in kindand sovery cheapthat we supplied ourselves in great numbersamong which were verylarge soles at fourpence a pairand whitings of almost a preposterous size atninepence a score.

The only fish which bore any price was a john doréeas it iscalled. I bought one of at least four pounds weight for as many shillings. Itresembles a turbot in shapebut exceeds it in firmness and flavor. The pricehad the appearance of being considerable when opposed to the extraordinarycheapness of others of valuebut wasin truthso very reasonable whenestimated by its goodnessthat it left me under no other surprise than how thegentlemen of this countrynot greatly eminent for the delicacy of their tastehad discovered the preference of the dorée to all other fish: but I wasinformed that Mr. Quinwhose distinguishing

 

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tooth hath been so justly celebratedhad lately visited Plymouthand had donethose honors to the dorée which are so justly due to it from that sect ofmodern philosophers whowith Sir Epicure Mammonor Sir Epicure Quintheirheadseem more to delight in a fish-pond than in a gardenas the oldEpicureans are said to have done.

Unfortunately for the fishmongers of Londonthe doréeresides only in those seas; forcould any of this company but convey one to thetemple of luxury under the Piazzawhere Macklin the high-priest daily serves uphis rich offerings to that goddessgreat would be the reward of thatfishmongerin blessings poured down upon him from the goddessas great wouldhis merit be towards the high-priestwho could never be thought to overratesuch valuable incense.

And herehaving mentioned the extreme cheapness of fish inthe Devonshire seaand given some little hint of the extreme dearness withwhich this commodity is dispensed by those who deal in it in LondonI cannotpass on without throwing forth an observation or twowith the same view withwhich I have scattered my several remarks through this voyagesufficientlysatisfied in having finished my lifeas I have probably lost itin the serviceof my countryfrom the best of motivesthough it should be attended with theworst of success. Means are always in our power; ends are very seldom so.

Of all the animal foods with which man is furnishedthere arenone so plenty as fish. A little

 

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rivuletthat glides almost unperceived through a vast tract of rich landwillsupport more hundreds with the flesh of its inhabitants than the meadow willnourish individuals. But if this be true of riversit is much truer of thesea-shoreswhich abound with such immense variety of fish that the curiousfishermanafter he hath made his draughtoften culls only the daintiest partand leaves the rest of his prey to perish on the shore.

If this be true it would appearI thinkthat there isnothing which might be had in such abundanceand consequently so cheapasfishof which Nature seems to have provided such inexhaustible stores with somepeculiar design. In the production of terrestrial animals she proceeds with suchslownessthat in the larger kind a single female seldom produces more than onea-yearand this again requires threeforor five years more to bring it toperfection. And though the lesser quadrupedsthose of the wild kindparticularlywith the birdsdo multiply much fasteryet can none of thesebear any proportion with the aquatic animalsof whom every female matrix isfurnished with an annual offspring almost exceeding the power of numbersandwhichin many instances at leasta single year is capable of bringing to somedegree of maturity.

What then ought in general to be so plentifulwhat so cheapas fish? What then so properly the food of the poor? So in many places they areand so might they always be in great citieswhich are always situated near theseaor on the conflux of large rivers. How comes it thento look

 

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no farther abroad for instancesthat in our city of London the case is so farotherwise thatexcept that of spratsthere is not one poor palate in a hundredthat knows the taste of fish?

It is true indeed that this taste is generally of suchexcellent flavor that it exceeds the power of French cookery to treat thepalates of the rich with anything more exquisitely delicate; so that was fishthe common food of the poor it might put them too much upon